Plot: A masked hit man is hot (and spicy!) on the trail
of a hunter in possession of a bag full of
curried rice, strangely permanently adhered to a
plate. Hey, it happens!
Sean's Take: Come on! Who wouldn't want to see a
dude kill a bunch of people with an
oxygen-tank-powered hose that propels
pungent rice & vegetables? I mean, sure, a
person could argue that everyone he's
"tracking" could smell the dude coming a mile
away, and thus always escape, but hey, whatever.
He's hot. He's spicy, He tastes great. What more
could you want? Him and Chris Daniels in the
same room at the same time? Maybe. Did I
mention he kills people with projectile Indian
cuisine? Then he dances? My god does he
dance. It's awesome. What's not to love? The
explosive diarrhea? Maybe.
BROKEN FREAKIN' FRIDAY.
Starring: Kurt Angle & Jeff Jarrett.
Tagline: Different Bodies. Same Push.
Plot: On one Broken Freakin' Friday, two of TNA's
most historically over-pushed Main-Eventers
suddenly find themselves in each other's
bodies! OH NOES. No one really notices the
difference, though. Imagine that. But hey,
lessons are learned, as each earns a new
appreciation for the other while still getting
all the TV time. See!:
Kurt (In Jarrett's body): "I never knew the
unbelievable pressure you were under to defeat
so many promising people, whether it made sense
or not and was detrimental to the company!
Jeff (in Kurt's body): " R-e-a, double L, y? Me t-double-o!"
Kurt (In Jarrett's body):
" Umm, ya. It really
is a small world...."
Jeff (in Kurt's body):
"W-E, double-L, that just makes it easier to
Kurt (In Jarrett's Body): "So, true!
Speaking of which; want to go pin Kaz a few
times or something?".
Jeff (In Kurt's body):
"I am like SO there. T-H-E-R-E."
Kurt (In Jeff's body):
" Ah, ya, I was meaning to ask; do ya
REALLY have to keep phonetically spelling every
single thing like that?
Jeff (In Kurt's body):
Kurt (In Jeff's body):
Sean's Take :
What a movie! It was so weird to see these two
completely opposite people switch roles. Talk
about method acting! The way they pinned all
those people so effortlessly and kept getting
title reigns, it was like they were really
living in each other's skins! Amazing! Although,
I think I could have done with the Kurt as
Jarrett anal-sex scene with Karen! I'll
never think of the expression "Slap Nuts" the
same way again!
I also thought it was a nice touch how Kurt
seemingly played every part in this film, was
involved in every scene, and was pretty much the
complete and total focal point for two
straight hours. If they could apply this to TNA
Impact, I have NO DOUBT they'd somehow defeat
WWE! Ahem. Or maybe just score another 1.1.... Forever.
MEET SAMOA JOE BLACK.
Starring: Samoa Joe, The Carters, Vince
Tagline: Death Never Takes A Holiday.
Common Sense Booking? It's Not Expected Back For
Plot: "Death" comes to Orlando in the form
of a portly Samoan named Joe. (Dead Lei?
What? No good?).
While on "vacation" (and purposely not signing a
lowball contract extension), Joe is taken under
the wing of a business mogul and his daughter,
who groom him for leadership of their company.
However, it takes three years for anything to
really even happen and you completely lose
interest in the movie altogether.
Sean's Take: I thought it was particularly
enjoyable the way most of the roster kept trying
to "accidentally" push Vince Russo into The
Reaper, hoping something would happen. It's just a shame he
was on vacation!
My favorite part though was where
Joe just gets demoted half way through the
movie, and Christian, Kurt Angle and Sting all
take turns being Grim Reaper, hoping no one
notices. They were going to go with a
homegrown TNA guy as Death, but come on. Like
anyone would pay to see that! 1.1!
BLACK MACHISMO MOAN.
Starring: Jay Lethal, SoCal Val, Sonjay
Tagline: Randy Savage Ain't The Only Macho
Man Who Knows How To Keep His Woman Locked
Plot: A God-fearing Macho
Man bounds a wild woman (SoCal Val) in
chains, and schools her in the ways of the
madness~! That's it. The movie only ends
up running 2 hours because Machismo keeps
insisting on saying everything twice. Everything
Sean's Take: This was a ultimately a story
of redemption. I think. I actually stopped
understanding after the first sentence out of
Machismo's mouth. Something about slithering
with the snakes and soaring with the eagles and
being everywhere in-between. I think it's a
parable for the unyielding human spirit. Or
gibberish. I'm not quite sure. Oh, you might
want to stop the movie once Team
3D nonsensically shows up and kills Lethal and
Dutt, just because.
THE COUNT OF MONTE SOPP.
Starring: Kip James. BG James. And a
special appearance from Chuck Palumbo.
Tagline: Prepare For An Assload of
Plot: Who cares? It's fucking Billy Gunn.
He gets imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit
or something. Which obviously eliminates sodomy.
Right, Chuck? Oh, ya, he eventually gets
"revenge", all while hoping Fernand stays bent
over long enough so he can slay him with the
fame-asser. That's all you need to know. Trust
me. It all works as well as his 1999 King of the
Ring Title did. Let's just pretend none of it
even happened. You'll thank me later.
Sean's Take: Just when you think a man
couldn't make a puffy pirate shirt look
any gayer, here comes Kip James with his
pig-tails and women's orthopedic bicycle shorts!
( You'd think Spandex would be quite hard to
come by in the early 1800's...).
NATURAL BORN RELLIK'S.
Starring: Rellik, Dustin Rhodes.
Tagline: His Name Means Killer Backward.
His Gimmick Is Terrible Frontward.
Plot: "Mickey & Mallory" go on a killing
(gnillik?) streak. They're then caught and
easily killed inside 5 minutes by
authorities, because come on, when was the last
time Rellik beat anyone? I mean, really?
Sean's Take: That was still 4 minutes more
than I had originally predicted.
BIG SEXY, LIES & VIDEOTAPE.
Starring: Kevin Nash!
An erotic masterpiece brought to us
by acclaimed horror director Sean Waltman ( You
may have seen his chilling work in One Night in
Big Sexy, Lies & Videotape is currently only
1/8th finished, as Big Nash tripped over the
best boy and tore every muscle in his lower body
the first day of shooting. We think. Truth is,
no one saw him do any of this and it kind
of just happened when he was expected to work.
Last week it was a heart-attack. Oh; he's
still making one million dollars regardless,
though, so no worries.
TO THE BACK TO THE
Starring: Mike Tenay, Don West.
It's the greatest story never quite finished
being told! Seriously. This movie is the
greatest thing I've ever seen in the history,
Mike Tenay, utilizing "Doc" West's Delorean,
powered by plutonium, garbage (Russo
Scripts) and baseball cards, travels back to
1955, 1855, 2015, 2055, 2205, 3005, and many,
many, many other completely random destinations,
just because. Truth is, they just keep cutting
away for no reason. But boy is it exciting! I
mean, it has to be! They're yelling!
THURSDAY NIGHT FEVER.
Starring: Glen Gilberti, Dutch Mantel,
Vince Russo, Jeff Jarrett, and Abyss. Maybe.
Nobody seems to ever know if he's on the
Creative team or not.
Answers people! Come on!
Thursday Night Fever is the story of, well, fever. Seriously. These guys have to have
some sort of lethal hallucinogenic condition to
come up with all those pole matches and reverse
THE PASSION OF CHRISTIAN CAGE.
Starring: Christian Cage. Tomko, AJ
His greatest miracle was making people care about
Tomko! His biggest pratfall was being betrayed
by AJ Styles for 30 pieces of silver and an
accidental secret marriage to Mary Magdalene.
One minute he's just standing there. The next
he's married! That's how this works!
Starring: Robert Roode, Traci Brooks.
Honor made him a man. Courage made him a hero.
History made him a Legend. A complete lack of
personality and base charisma made him difficult
to watch. He's Robert Roode MacGregor, hero of
the Scottish Highlands. No, seriously. TNA sees
something in this guy and is not giving up. Not
ever. Oh, and just ignore the part where Mary
MacGregor has breast implants in the 1700's.
Just admire them. There's some
rolling hills I could really get
behind! Or on top of. Or between. Whichever. I'm
flexible. Hopefully she is, too.
Ok, so, these were some pretty shitty movies.
I'll admit it. But tell me the truth, you'd
still rather watch these than that fucking
Superhero movie, right? Exactly.
See you at the Movies~! (I'll be the guy in the
raincoat being escorted out of the Theater in
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he
wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing
bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been
read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto
Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also