TNA SACRIFICE 2009
Neil Cathan weighs in with his Sacrifice recap. Where the real sacrifice is obviously me for watching this shitty show, and continuing to, just for your benefit. Because without me, you guys would have no way to know what had happened three days ago. But fear not! I am here, to endure the terrible 3 hour shit-fest. The whole show, from top-to-bottom, is mediocre. Nothing spectacular, nothing so shit it'll be funny. Ho-hum. On with the show, I guess.
We start immediately with exciting footage! Cars! Pulling up into a garage! And men step out of the cars! I understand that these guys are headlining tonight! What's more, none of those guys had a senior moment and forgot the night of the show. Another day, another middle-aged main event. Angle tells us that wrestling isn't a team sport. Tell that to all the tag teams. Jarrett says he found fame and acclaim wherever he went. Yeah! Especially as a fake-country singer in WWF. You were just at the top there, so important that you got the honour of jobbing to a hermaphrodite. Sting has been "dominating rings for two decades." His matches are a lot like domination really. Sadly, while he gets to be the Sadist, everyone watching Sting matches recently is a masochist. Foley says that sometimes you have to break bones and spill blood. An impressive message, undermined by the footage of him getting his ass kicked.
And because the X-division is so important, they'll be opening the show in a match with absolutely no build whatsoever.
Motorcity Machineguns and Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Lethal Consequences and Eric Young
Abdul Bashir's gone he way of Hassan, I see. From a gimmick built around suffering racism due to stereotypes, to living that stereotype. Uh, guys? Kind of missing the point here. Russo, a racist? Who would have thought?
Quick tags and fast action that goes back and forth. It's a little strange that the faces are treating Shelley like Ricky Morton. Unless the teams all turned since I last watched, this makes no sense as booking. It is Russo, so I guess that that can't be ruled out. Bashir cheap shots Creed, allowing the heels to work him. Running knee from the apron onto a standing Creed outside. I love Alex Shelley so, so much. Creed causes the heels to all miss him and it each other, somewhat akin to somethin you'd see in Home Alone. Commentators won't shut up about Young not getting tagged. Creed and Young dive onto the Guns outside. Lethal with a backbreaker (I think. I was typing when he did it) for two on Bashir. Shelley brainbusters Lethal. Creed sort of pushes Shelley into a Lethal combination. Bulldog/Press combo on Sabin. Shelley cutters Young. Lethal no sells Poetry in Motion, guns set Lethal up for something, Eric interrupts. This is too fast to type and catch it all. Lethal Consequences take kicks in the corner while put in a 69. Young gets owned, and then a brutal lifting DDT combo gets two on Lethal. WMD on Lethal gets two when Creed breaks the pin. Brutal kicks by the Guns on Creed. Young gets running boots sandwich in the corner. Hold the mayo. Double Death Valley Driver on both guns by EY. Lethal quick roll-ups Bashir for three.
Winners: Lethal Consequences and Eric Young
Eric Young looks unhappy about not being used much in the match.
Video build around Wilde vs Daphne, Monster's Ball match. This video has goth chicks and Stevie Richards. This makes me very, very happy,
TNAKnockouts Monster's Ball Match: Daphne vs Taylor Wilde
Weak as fuck metal sign shot from Daphne. Maybe it's just because I watch LuFisto matches, but this as women's ultra-violence? Fail. Slap in the tits. She's hardcore! She's hardcore! Daphne is trying so hard to be MsChif, it's pathetic. The scream was nowhere near as badass. Weak cookie tray shots and a trash can on Daphne's head, which gets hit. Bothced looking... well, I don't know what it was. It looked like it hurt though. Mostly beacuse of how botched it was. Gets a three on Daphne.
Winner: Taylor Wilde
Daphne attacks Taylor afterwards. Like, right after. Making me wonder how she was pinned so fast. Richards spreads thumbtacks, and tells Abyss to come in and chokeslam Taylor Wilde onto the tacks. Abyss looks not happy about this. He lifts Taylor up, and his young lady friend rushes out to stop him. Richards pushes her over. Abyss gets angry, and Richards whips him. Richards threatens to whip Lauren, only to get chokeslammed on the tacks himself, by Abyss.
Christopher Daniels vs Suicide(c), X-Division Title Match
So this is just a pallet shift match? Suicide takes it to Daniels. Don West compares this to Area 51, JFK and moon landing in terms of conspiracies. No mention of the New World Order conspiracy theory? Wonder why that could be. Daniels does absolutely nothing, but get owned. Wasn't he presented as being Angle's equal recently? Quick transfer into an abdominal stretch. Series of palm thrusts on Suicide. West is breaking so much kayfabe. He's talking about how Daniels was Suicide, but not anymore, was probably Curry Man, and how choreographed this match is. I smell a Russo script. West calls attention to the fans ot cheering because they're so confused. You see, Russo? You see? Shitty writing turning the fans away is obvious to someone with the intelligence of Don fucking West. Of course you don't see that. I'm addressing an article on a wrestling satire site to you. Good thing no-one else is doing that here! *ahem*
Tombstone reversal spot. Split-legged moonsault to the outside met with both knees. Daniels suplexes Suicide on the ramp. Running kenton bomb on Daniels on the ramp. Reminded me of Chris Hero, oddly enough. That said, I cannot get enough of that man, so I guess it might not be too odd that I think that. Sabin comes out, distracting the ref, allowing Shelley to lung-blower Suicide. Daniels comes in and pins Suicide for three.
Winner: Christopher Daniels
Daniels asks for the mic afterwards, and relinquishes the belt back to Suicide. Daniels asks to give them "5 more minutes" as he doesn't want to win the belt that way.
Christopher Daniels vs Suicide(c), X-Division Title Match
Quick exchange ends with Suicide on his back. Rollup by Suicide for two. Crowd are so dead it's not even funny. West and Tenay try to work out who has the belt if there's no pin. They tentatively go with Suicide. The announcers don't even know what's happening in this company...
Crowd chant "Boring" during a Daniels match. This kinda quiet for Daniels? Heartbreaking. A minute left. If you're wondering what happened in the other four, it was all shit, and went nowhere. Suicide catches a BME into a DDT for two. Crowd excitedly count down to the end of the match.
Winner: No-one. Not even the fans. Or the announcers.
Video for Angelina Love vs Awesome Kong. The video is boring. I have nothing to say
Angelina Love vs Awesome Kong
The match is boring. I have nothing to say.
Oh, fine! I'll talk about the match. Kong beats Angelina down. And then some more. Kong gets posted. This gives Angelina a moment. Then Kong beats her down. Cheerleader Melissa in utterly wasted racist gimmick manager role stops Angelina's escape. Then some hairspray is onvolved, and Angelina wins. It's exactly as fun as it sounds.
Winner: Maker's Mark! It's my drink, and boy have I ever had to hit that bottle tonight.
Kong beats Angelina down after.
Sting promo. Generic as ever. I hate this show. I would rather watch Heroes Of Wrestling than this.
Samoe Joe vs Kevin Nash
So, since he's "From the Nation Of Violence", not Samoa, shouldn't it really be "Nation of Violence Joe." Joe, having been rebuilt after the Nash burial, is now getting his ass handed to him. Ho-hum. Nation Of Violence! And by violence I mean a quick submission that ultimately goes nowhere. Although it did hurt his leg, and we know that part of Nash is liable to fall apart. Joe and Nash fight outside, and then Joe chair shots Nash. Doesn't get DQ'd though. Huh. Nash is a bleeding now. Dear lord. This is the best match on the show so far. And it's a Nash match. That's fucking tragic. Joe smashes Nash. Now so long as this keeps up, we won't bury Mr. Joe. We're not on first name terms, so I can't call him Samoa. Samoa Joe gets the clutch on for the win.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Joe murderises Nash and security after the match.
Team 3D Tournament Finals video. So Beer Money=good guys now?
Team 3D promo. I mark for these guys, I gotta admit. Pretty good promo, as usual.
Team 3D make their way to ringside for commentary.
British Invasion vs Beer Money
Doug and Roode trade holds. Beer Money dominate the Brits, and they start cheaping to beat the Brits, much to the fan's delight. So they're just heels who are too awesome to boo? Storm dives onto both heels and the steroid ingesting manager. Doug turns things around. Team 3D take the piss out of Don West, securing my markdom for them even more. "Don West wanna cracker?" and a simple response of "Ok, shut up West." makes me happy. Roode is a house on fire, demolishing both of my countrymen. I'm short on national pride right now anyway. Storm with a top rope hurracanrana, Roode follows with a frogsplash, and Rob Terry pulls the ref out. Gets sent out, but this distraction allows the British Invasion to run in with briefcases. Ultimately, however, Beer Money win anyway. Making all that screwiness with the finish, totally pointless.
Winners: Beer Money
Kurt cuts a promo about liking to be in control. I know. I remember the angle where you stalked Booker's wife with handcuffs. Good of them both to forgive you like that.
Hype video for Booker T vs AJ Styles
Booker T vs AJ Styles (c) - I quit match for Legends Title.
Huge face heat for Styles. The two guys circle each other, and this starts off slow. Trading shots. Styles working the legs. Styles dominates the match. Booker turns it around, and kicks Styles off the apron into the guardrail. Series of knees in the ring. Styles eventually mounts a return, and they trade punches, until Styles scores a pele. Booker ends up outside, and Styles planchas out to him. Booker gets posted. Sharmell comes on down. Springboard forearm by Styles. Sharmell with useful advice: "Don't quit!". Booker goes over to her, allowing Styles to apply a flying armbar. Some random chick then rushes out and throw the towel in for Booker before arguing with Sharmell. Ok then!
Winner: AJ Styles
Foley promo is on typical Foley levels of sheer awesome. Puts the belt over huge.
So, if Foley in the one beaten, he drops the belt (Which he would normally anyway if anyone else got the pin, right?). Jarrett loses the control over the company (But then who will hold down the young talent?). Sting will retire (Please, please, someone pin Sting!) Angle loses his donship of the Mafia.
Jeff Jarrett vs Sting vs Kurt Angle vs Mick Foley: ULTIMATE SACRIFICE~!!!!11!eleven!
Brawl all around. Unfortunately, by this point in the night, I'm so tired that all I really want to write is "some men in tights pretend to fight. One of them is a winner!" Jarrett and Angle pair off, while Sting and Foley brawl all over the place. Foley piledrivers Sting. Jarrett in Angle lock, then fights with Foley. Jarrett starts making a comeback, but gets a belly to belly for two. Foley to the announce desk. He announces he's going to "take a little restaroonie." before going in and picking up a quick win.
Foley and West masturbate over the Rocky match last week. Not literally. There were no trashcans or midgets involved. Three germans on JJ. Angle leaves the ring to go after Mick, cannonballing across the table onto Mick. Angle slam onto the outside on Foley. Stroke in the ring on Foley. Angle breaks the pin up. Sting gets the scorpion on Angle, but is rolled up by Jarrett for two. oley double socks, applying the claw to both Jarrett and Sting. Angle breaks it up, slapping the ankle lock onto Foley, who pushes him out. Sting death drops Angle, but the ref's out. Babyface Jeff Jarrett guitar shots Sting, looking to end a twenty year career with a foreign object shot. Babyface Jeff Jarrett. Angle gets Sting and Jarrett in the Ankle lock. Foley breaks it up. Super-stroke onto the chair by Jarrett on Angle, and Sting steals the pin.
Winner, and new Don of the Mafia: Sting
Sting celebrates post-match.
All in all, what a shit fest. I would have found Heroes of Wrestling more entertaining as a card. By the time anything vaguely good rolled around, I was just far, far beyond caring.
We're onto yet another TNA correspondent, after I mentioned our newest one...in my last recap. I'm like aTNA veteran around here. I think that makes me the biggest masochist. Do I win something for that? Please?
Anyway, Halo does a great job with the difficult task of TNA, RAW is on a par with it's quality, while Cameron's report sets the par, as ever, my name-sake deals with ECW, another letter from Mrs Rayner's basement arrives in the mail bag, which is funny as ever. And other things which are good. That show melted my mind beyond being able to talk coherently about the site. IT'S GOOD! READ IT!
See you next month...
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).