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TNA 
SACRIFICE
2008
(05/11/08)
 
Here's this months recap (Done on someone else's computer. I may actually have to kill the manufacturors of my computer.)

Welcome, legions of loyal fans, to the TNA Sacrifice review! Where apparently the sacrificial lamb is what remained of the booker’s sanity. Let’s preview the card: A triple threat match. A battle royal, where the two at the end fight in a ladder match where the winner gets a title shot and other gets shaved. 7 Tournament matches, which in all likelihood, we will get no clean finish in any of them. And finally, some retarded X-Div gimmick match. Ok, now look for a single match without a gimmick attached. That’d be none of them. The closest thing we have to sane is a triple threat. Now, ok, we all know Vinny Ru loves his gimmicks, but maybe an all gimmick show immediately after an all cage show isn’t the smartest of ideas. I can just imagine the booking meeting after Lockdown.

Vince: “Well, that was a good show, but I still think we should have gone for 17 run ins during the main event. So, let’s plan our next event. I know! Joe hasn’t faced Kurt enough times, there’s a fresh match.”
Dutch: “Er, we just had Joe vs Kurt. Joe and Kurt have been fighting for eternity. Let it go, man. The fans want something else. And we’ve already announced Joe vs Steiner.”
Vince: “Exactly! It’ll be the swerve of the century! The fans are expecting Joe vs Steiner, and for Joe cleanly beating Kurt to be the end of their feud. They’ll never see it coming! Oh, and I’ve had another visionary idea! Everything’ll be gimmicks!”
Dutch: “We just now, literally five minutes ago finished an all gimmick show. Seriously, are you auditioning for Memento 2 here?”
Abyss: “Do I get to be on the next show?”
Vince: “…”
Abyss: “Please?”
Vince: “We’ve been over this, Chris. Your new gimmick will be so fascinating, so different, that the fans need time to prepare.”
Abyss: “Dude, I’m wrestling using my real name. That’s a non-gimmick.”

And so it goes on. Admittedly, in my head it ends with Vince Russo dying. But putting my assassination plans on the internet seems a good way for my plans to be foiled.

With my longest intro yet out of the way, let’s get on with what I’m sure will feel like the longest review I’ve ever done under way.

Right, TNA’s dropped the “We Are Wrestling” line. Probably because Russo thinks that people want entertainment, and wrestling isn’t entertaining.

Hype video for main event. We got no silly overdramatic spiel. This makes me want to weep. Best comedy segment ever opens the show, as Kurt Angle talks about listening to his doctor saying he shouldn’t wrestle. Funny man. Anyway, apparently he’s not in the match tonight. Bet you he is, or at least makes a run in and gets a pin.

Steiner also arrives, and is asked some questions. Rambly promo where he says Joe can’t beat him one on one. Except for that time when Joe pinned him clean in the middle of the ring one on one, apparently. Joe puts himself over in another promo. Tenay and DW go over the card. It takes literally less than 2 minutes.
 
Deuces Wild Tournament Quarter Final. Team 3D vs James Storm/Sting.

Tenay talks about how little sense the show makes. Fans of old school video games chant that “3D sucks!” Yeah, I like Mario too, but dimensions are awesome. D-Von and James Storm start our fight off, and D-Von has the advantage. Body slam and an elbow gets two. Bubba in, kicking Storm and hitting a suplex. Jacqueline stares Bubba down, looks up when Bubba points up, and he spanks her. Sting tags in, and they tie up. Sting overpowers Bubba, who ducks to the outside before bringing D-Von in. Headlock on Sting, who answers with a shoulderblock after pushing him away. Storm argues with Sting about nothing in particular, allowing the Dudleyz to beat Sting down. Storm takes a drink. I feel like I’ll need one by the end of tonight. I envy Storm. He gets paid to drink and ignore what’s happening on a TNA PPV, while I put up with it sober for free. Sting being dominated, and D-Von scores a diving headbutt for two. Table out, and Sting clotheslines both. Storm shouts a bit, making no sense, before 3D put him through a table. The ref ignores the blatant cheating and counts three as Sting leaves. Great, off to flying crappy booking start.

Winners: Team 3D

To the back. Typical. Some guy talks about Kurt’s injury. Kurt’s not a guy who pulls out apparently. Random guy apparently talks to Karen. Anyway, this guy talks about the main in an analytical way.

Deuces Wild Tournament Quarter Final. Robert Roode/Booker T vs Rhino/Christian Cage

Wow. Two guys who are feuding teaming. Never seen that before. Oh, no, wait. We JUST NOW saw that. TNA booking, the cutting edge of variety. Booker starts shoving Roode, who grabs a chair, and the security talk them down from fighting. Rhino rushes the ring, and Christian comes out after. Roode in first, still arguing with Booker, while Rhino starts off. Rhino explosively takes Storm on, beating him from pillar to post. Double hip toss on Roode when Christian tags in. Two count. Spinning European uppercut from top rope on Roode. Unprettier set up, and Roode pushes out. Roode with cheap shots to get the advantage. Roode gives Booker a really gay look that I presume was meant to be angry, and starts beating Christian down. Fans chant that they want Tomko. Good for them. Booker asks for the tag, but Roode just poses a bit. Spinebuster on Cage, who kicks. Headlock and Cage fights out. Fighting in the corner and Cage scores a tornado DDT. West talks about Roode having his way with Cage. Now I have horrible images in my head. Booker blind tags, and delivers a series of chops to Cage in the corner. Backdrop, and Cage twice decides not to politely keep his head down for the Scissors Kick. Inverted DDT and Rhino in. Shoulderblocks, but Booker gets a side kick. Roode blind tags and Rhino takes both out. Knee to gut by Roode, Rhino ducks a clothesline, and gores Roode for 3.

Winners: Christian Cage and Rhino

Booker in ring with Cage and Rhino, show of mutual respect. Booker then slides into the ring with a chair, and hits both from behind. Ker-Heel turn. Refs keep him from Christian and Rhino. Christian and Rhino sell the chair shots like death.

Scott and Kev are talking. Steiner makes no sense, Kevin seems calm. Steiner wants Kev to help him in the main, and Kev says he’ll think about it.

Deuces Wild Tournament Quarter Final. Kip James/Matt Morgan vs L.A.X

Homicide looks TINY compared to Kip James. Possibly because he is tiny. Kip puts Homicide on the top rope and walks away. Surprise Kip, Homicide just kicked you in the mouth! Wonder how that happened. Hernandez sends Kip outside, and Homicide gets a suicide dive on Kip. Morgan throws him back in, and Homicide gets double teamed before Morgan comes in. Kip back in, and Homicide is a tiny, scary Latin Ricky Morton for Hernandez’s huge, scary Latin Robert Gibson. Hernandez is in, and is a HOUSE EN FUEGO! Morgan accidentally kicks Kip James, and Hernandez dropkicks him for three.

Winners: LAX.

Shock! Finish comes when the partners fail to work together properly. Gotta tell you, not only did I not see that coming, but I also certainly didn’t see it in EVERY SINGLE MATCH tonight.

To the back again. AJ talks about his match with Super Eric against Kong and B.G when Kurt comes over and shouts at him about Karen.

Deuces Wild Tournament Quarter Final. Super Eric/AJ Styles vs Awesome Kong/B.G James

Kong gets the biggest pop of the night so far. Still accompanied by an utterly wasted Cheerleader Melissa in full stereotype Muslim woman mode. Why would you have Cheerleader Melissa and not use her as a wrestler called Cheerleader Melissa?

Super Eric starts us off with some nice offence on James, tagging Styles in, who hits him fast and hard. Awesome Kong is tagged in, and ties up with AJ. AJ pushes Kong to the corner, and does a go behind on her. Heh. Kong spinning backfist on Kong. AJ with some kicks, but gets crotch clawed. B.G in, working the cock with an inverted bodydrop. Styles gets some momentum and goes running, but gets kicked in the face. Kong goes for the Better-Than-Batista-(Thanks Charley for the great name)-Bomb, Styles rolls though, but is sat o by Kong for two. B.G in, and AJ Peles him. Super Eric in with some shots, and the most obviously missed firebird senton ever. Super Eric slams Kong onto James, throws her out and hits a splash. AJ misses a springboard dive, drawing a “you fucked up!” chant. AJ rolls B.G James up, and another quarter final ends before it even begins.

Winners: Super Eric/AJ Styles

Ok, wait, they had a tag tournament, and DIDN’T include Motor City Machine Guns? Seems to me that when you have the second best tag team on the planet (Sorry guys, but the Briscoes still have the edge on you), you use them as a tag team. We get informed that Cornette will make some big announcement about our main event. To the back with Rick Steiner, who’s just here to support his brother.
 
Terrordome hype video. Remember the hype video we got for the first elimination chamber? Well, it’s that video.

Terrordome match. Curry Man vs Sonjay Dutt vs Consequences Creed vs Shark Boy vs Kaz vs Jimmy Rave vs Alex Shelley vs Chris Sabin vs Johnny Devine vs Jay Lethal, winner is no. 1 contender to X title

Longest match name ever. Basic description: It’s a big cage, where the winner is the wrestler who can climb to the top of the dome and escape. The big red bars look unfathomably silly. What happened to Kaz’s push? One day he was beating Christian Cage clean, and that wasn’t long ago. Now he’s feuding with Rellik and Black Reign, and being a generic X midcarder. MCMG get a big pop, which contrasts with total apathy for Devine. Cornette comes out, and says that the winner is put in the main event in place of Angle tonight. There go my hopes of a sensible main event. Not that I had many.

Roof comes down, and the match is under way. And if you’re expecting a move by move on a 10 man X division match, you’re smoking crack. Almost everyone immediately pretends they’re at a Jungle (Slim) Gym, climbing the cage, with a few guys fighting on the bottom. Double teaming by MCMG. Giant powerbomb spot in the corner by about 7 people. Consequences is near the top, but Kaz grabs his hands to swinging leg drop from the top onto some Black Machismo. Creed, nearly winning the match, decides to go back down and fight instead. He’s quickly taken out. What a sensible move that was. Stunner on Shelley. I’m just calling the big spots here, as there’s far too much to catch. A flippy stunner that doesn’t even make sense from the top on Sabin. Everyone stares up at Curry Man and Sonjay, and wait patiently for Curry Man to powerbomb Sonjay from the cage onto all of them. That was nice of them. Shock treatment from the cage on Rave by Curry Man. Curry Man hits Kaz with a C4 from the cage. Survival tip: don’t let Curry Man near you on the cage. Devine intervention on Consequences Creed. Kaz pulls Devine down onto the patiently waiting other wrestlers, and climbs to the top to win.

Winner, no. 1 contender to X division title and now entered into the main event, and owner of a renewed push (hopefully): Kaz

That was really weird. Not so much a bad match, as an unfollowable one. No idea what was happening for most of it.

Joe promo. For someone who claims not to care, he sure does shout a lot. He says he’ll choke Nash out if they cross paths,

Deuces Wild Semi Final match: Team 3D vs Rhino/Christian Cage

Announcers sell how terrible that chair shot earlier was. Umm, Rhino won a match with Jeff Jarrett in less than six minutes, after two matches, one of which was ludicrously hardcore. And now he’s being booked as totally crippled from one chair shot a few hours ago? Continuity please. Story is Team 3D working the backs of the head on Cage and Rhino, and for their part they sell the kryptonite chair shot injuries from 2 hours ago really well. Wonder how Rhino and Christian’s really long hardcore wars they had in their feud managed to go so long when one chair shot totally disables them.

Seriously, this just looks utterly retarded. Anyway, our faces keep getting short bursts of offence. Christian splashes both from the top onto the outside, and Cage is doing great, but OH NO! A minor bump to his head and Christian is unable to do anything again. Double teaming on Captain head trauma, and a huge backdrop with giant elevation sends Christian spread eagle. Christian catches Bubba as he goes up top and ranas him from the top rope for two. Rhino slapping the turnbuckle corner to call for the tag. Either that or he’s having a seizure from that chair shot two hours ago. Rhino is tapped on the head, and falls around. Christian stops the Wazzup by pushing D-Von off the top, and Rhino spinebusters Bubba. Rhino with a shoulderblock on D-Von, but Bubba breaks the pin up. Rhino falls around a bit, and Christian’s Unprettier on D-Von is stopped by Bubba. Gore on Bubba. Ref distracted, letting Devine kendo stick shot Rhino, which allows a three count. Because that chair shot still hurt like a Khali powerbomb. An ECW guy. Who took the shot two hours ago.

Winners: Team 3D. Although they would have lost if Christian and Rhino didn’t take a chair shot two hours ago.

J.B and Nash talk. J.B tells Nash what Joe said. Nash goes looking for Joe.

Deuces Wild semi-final match: Supes&Styles vs L.A.X

Homicide and Styles start us off, and trade arm drags and quick counters. Double clothesline spot takes both out, and we get Super Eric vs Hernandez. Supes throws Hernandez over the top. Goes for the tope, and Hernandez gets a slingshot shoulderblock. Super Eric goes for a test of strength, and is bridged down by Hernandez. Hernandez on the outside, and gets splashed by Super Eric. Styles in, with shots on Hernandez. Springboard forearm and a two count. Enter Super Eric with a bodyslam and elbow drop. Styles back in, but Hernandez gets an electric chair drop. Homicide tagged in, and kicks some super ass. Drive by on Super Eric. Bullets don’t work on Superman, so why would a drive by work on Super Eric. Not good thinking there guys. And you wondered why he kicked out? Styles turns a monkey flip by Homicide into a wheel kick, followed by a Clash attempt. Homicide escapes, and goes for the Gringo Killer. Supes saves Styles, who rolls Homicide up, but Hector Guerrero rolls Homicide onto Styles for a three count.

Winners: L.A.X

And so far, so true to my prediction of no clean finishes in the tournament. Joe’s ‘family’ in full generic Samoan gear. They talk about getting involved in the main. Hype for our makeover battle royal.

Makeover battle royal, last two in ladder match. Winner gets Knockout title shot, runner up has her head shaved. I felt silly just writing that. Angelina Love vs Velvet Skye vs Rhaka Khan vs ODB vs Hemme vs Roxxi Laveaux vs Jacqueline Moore vs Shelley Martinez vs Traci Brooks vs Your Heroine and mine, Gail Kim

Well, clearly the Rhaka Khan spelling failure has confused management, as the name screen doesn’t even bother with Khan. Gail, can apparently not get shaved. Look out for Gail to have her head shaved anyway. Russo booking. Anyway, just big spots for now. Shelley Martinez gets eliminated, Angelina pours ODB’s flask on mat, and gets beaten up for it. Brooks takes Velvet out, and is taken out by Angelina Love. Hemme goes to the air, and is sent over the top by Khan. Missile dropkick by Jacqueline onto Rhaka Khan. ODB and Jacqueline continue to double team Rhaka Khan. What, I didn’t say they were? Well, they are, and have been for a while. Deal. Everyone left but Roxxi and Gail eliminated in short order. Angelina will apparently be shaved if Gail is runner up. Roxxi goes for the ladder, but Angelina tries to stop her. Gail gets a ladder also, bringing it in, and the finish to this match is painfully obvious. Roxxi fights Angelina off, grabs Gail for a powerbomb, but gets rana’d. Ladder shot on Roxxi, sets the ladder into the corner, only for Roxxi to whip her into it and deliver a splash in the corner on the ladder. Monkey flip onto the ladder by Gail. Angelina pushes the ladder in for Gail. Roxxi has done a brutal blade. Am I a sick person if I think a woman looks great bleeding? Sunset flip powerbomb from the top of the ladder onto Roxxi. Trading shots and Gail gets spinebustered onto a ladder in the corner. Velvet and Love run interference, pushing Roxxi off the ladder, allowing Gail to grab the belt. Didn’t see that finish coming. Oh wait, I did. Because it was completely obvious.

Winner: Gail Kim

Gail drags Angelina to the chair, trying to shave her. Both members of Beautiful people go after Gail, and beautifully bleeding (Yeah, turns out I’m sick. Deal.) Roxxi helps her out. Luckily, Roxxi doesn’t get the Raven shave. The knockouts all sell the head shave like death. Roxxi’s scalp is damn bloodied, and suddenly bleeding Roxxi no longer looks so cool. Commentators sell “Fire Russo!” and “Boring!” chants as the fans being angry at the heels. And man, Roxxi is bleeding a whole bunch.

Kev finds Joe, and they talk. Kevin makes the best wrestlecrap reference in history, when he tells Joe he’s on Joe’s side, and just tricking Steiner, by saying “What you think I want to hang out with Steiner, talk politics with him?” Kevin says he’s on Joe’s side. Joe tells him not to come to the ring tonight.

Deuces Wild Finals: Team 3D vs L.A.X

Oh lookie, a match we’ve never seen, L.A.X vs Dudley Boyz. Oh except for the about 20 times we saw it last year. 3D come out in L.A.X style bandanas, and L.A.X come out with Shelley Martinez and Hector Guerrero. 3D getting in Hector’s face outside, and L.A.X go out and start brawling. Bubba with a chair shot, which the ref again seems not to care about. Match might not have started yet with no bell rung. Either that or Russo decided there weren’t enough gimmicks on the card, and made this a hardcore match. Bell rings, and Homicide starts with D-Von. Nice back and forth, Homicide gets a cross body, and then goes for an outside one, but Bubba stops him. Meanie. Homicide=Morton, Hernandez=Gibson. Again. Typical building to hot tag stuff. Continues for what seems like forever. Maybe I’m just getting tired. DW’s over the top commentary is kind of a blessing this time, as I know he’ll scream like a schoolgirl at Lawler’s house if Hernandez gets the hot tag, so I can just close my eyes. And yep, I guessed it. Hernandez is finally in, just as I’m starting to get to a good part of my dream. Typical. Hernandez is a house on fire (Which oddly featured in my dream. Burning houses, not Hernandez.) Suicide dive onto both, and Devine comes out for the run in. Hector beats the crap out of Devine , hitting him with the Kendo stick he brought out. Puts Devine onto a table, does the Eddie taunt, and leg drops Devine through a table. Actually looked pretty good for his age. HUUUGE grin on Hector’s face, and a bigger pop. Back to the match I’ve seen a bunch of times. Bubba and Hernandez jockeying for position on top. What does that phrase even mean? I’ve never seen a horse up there. Well, maybe once, but I was really tired then. Diving headbutt on Hernandez after he gets superplexed by Bubba. 3D on Homicide, Hernandez breaks the pin up, and takes both members of 3D out. Border toss on D-Von by Hernandez, then Homicide hits a frog splash on him for the three.

Winners, and new tag team champions: L.A.X

Well, at least we got one clean finish in the tournament. Shame I just stopped caring by the time it happened. I love L.A.X, and I’m glad they’re champs, but the tournament booking just couldn’t have made me care less about the actual match.

Eric Young grabs the third headset, and talks about how Slammiversary in Memphis means he gets to find Elvis. See, if this brought the flying Elvii back into the company, that’d be pretty cool.

Samoa Joe vs Scott Steiner vs Kaz TNA World Championship match.

Kaz out first to a bit of a pop. Steiner out next, but not before an over-dramatic spiel! YES! Awesome! Steiner is accompanied by Petey and Rhaka Khan. The random guy from earlier joins the commentary team. TNA World champion Samoa Joe makes his way out, but also not before an over-dramatic spiel! HUZZAH! Oh and as a Joe fanboy, typing TNA World Champion Samoa Joe for the first time felt great. I’m going to keep that up. TNA World Champion Samoa Joe makes his way out, as the random third guy talks about how TNA World Champion Samoa Joe will be defending his title. Commentators won’t shut up about Angle not being in the match. Kaz runs rings around Steiner, who the gets the jumping kick from TNA World Champion Samoa Joe, who also starts to beat Kaz up. Steiner chant starts. TNA World Champion Samoa Joe walks away from a springboard splash, which draws a “Joe!” chant. Dragon sweep on Kaz, and a lovely Texas cloverleaf. Fisherman’s suplex onto Steiner. Samoan’s, being from an island, are great at fisherman moves. Steiner goes outside, leaving TNA World Champion Samoa Joe to beat Kaz around the ring, before getting tripped and pulled outside the ring by Steiner. Kaz also pulled out, and Steiner gives TNA World Champion Samoa Joe a suplex on the ramp. Steiner breaks the count and beats Kaz down. Belly to belly from the top onto Kaz. Clothesline on Kaz, followed by the pump-up-elbow. Clothesline to outside on TNA World Champion Samoa Joe. Kaz tries for a sunset flip powerbomb, but takes a super fallaway slam. Belly to Bellies from Steiner on both opponents. Horrible looking toss into turnbuckle on Kaz by Steiner. TNA World Champion Samoa Joe is put in the Steiner Recliner, before putting Steiner up onto the shoulders and standing up, as Kaz hits a dropkick on Steiner for a modified doomsday device. Springboard leg drop by Kaz gets two on Steiner. TNA World Champion Samoa Joe giving nice shots to Steiner, uranages Steiner in the corner and goes for a suicide dive on Steiner, who hits him with a pipe without ref seeing. Kaz topes onto Steiner, and springboard DDTs Steiner. Tigerbomb avoided by Kaz, who scores a leg lariat. Kaz goes up top, but as Steiner distracts ref, Williams hits Kaz in ribs. Frankensteiner on Kaz, but TNA World Champion Samoa Joe breaks the pin up. Missile leg lariat on Steiner, spin kick on Kaz, powerslam on Steiner, clutch attempt on Steiner, Kaz tries to break, sidesteps, beats Steiner’s head on turnbuckle, but Kaz pushes him off the apron. Steiner uses weight to avoid a wave of the future, getting a two count. Kaz goes for another wave of the future, but is thrown to the outside. Steiner’s sitting on the top rope however, which leaves him to get hit with a musclebuster for three.

Winner, and still TNA World Champion: TNA World Champion Samoa Joe

No main event run in. Impressed. Do that more often, TNA Show closes with Joe celebrating.

Well, I’ve been Neil Cathan, making his triumphant return (Bet none of you noticed I was gone), this was TNA Sacrifice, and I hope you all enjoyed reading about the show more than I enjoyed the booking.

As always, go read any of the great stuff on this site: Matthew Folger writes another great Knife Edge Pop, ECW continues to recycle the same show while going through five recappers a month, in our latest ECW guy’s take on the Sci-Fi show. That said, he’s called Neil, so you just know he’s great. Anthony Dean is filled with rage by the booking of Smackdown. Trade ya? Charley Martin, my co-sufferer in TNA Booking does another great job with iMPACT, and Catherine Perez writes the best weekly thing on the internet. If this comes a surprise to you, you’re retarded. Of course, there’s a whole bunch of other stuff, but I’ve told about a whole five of them. FIVE! Go check the other 18 billion great articles out.

 
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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).