Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

TNA

SACRIFICE

(05/14/06)

By Remy

 
Remy here, bringing you the best damn Sacrifice recap on the net! So how did Sting’s partnerships with Joe go, and did Christian finally get his title back? And how did AJ and Daniels fare against AMW? Who won the much coveted X-cup? All this and more is coming up right now!
 
Plenty of hype to start off the show, including the pre-show. No exciting new developments there, just setting the tone.
 
And we are going right into our first match-up. No fucking around here (which I got an A+ in at university, except take out the “no” part).
 
World X Cup 2nd Round Match: Jushin "Thunder" Liger w/Team Japan vs. Petey Williams:
 
Liger’s return seemed something of importance, so I’m hoping that it’s hype more deserved than it was with Sting’s mystery possible opponents like Buff and Luger. Of course, I still remember when WCW was still around, and Bischoff had some HUGE surprise that turned out to be a piss-poor Goldberg heel turn. So yeah, I tend to be a touch skeptical. And frankly, that’s low on the list of letdowns, if you ask me.
 
Turns out to be a solid match, with lots of back and forth action. This was just a nice, clean match without much storyline bullshit to worry about. And I love how it’s not ruined by commercials.  No, instead, just before the end of the match the feed cuts out. Guess they wanted TNA fans to feel comfortable. We do see Liger counter a Canadian Destroyer attempt with a Palm Thrust, leading to a Liger Bomb before this happens though, so only the three count is really missed.
 
For those who really want to see the end anyway, TNA has linked a youtube page on their site. Bush league? Watch it Mister or they will bus Samoa Joe over there to slap you silly! 
 
This gives Japan three points, making the current standings:
 
Team USA: 5 points
Team Japan: 3 points
Team Mexico: 2 points
Team Canada: 0 points
 
Backstage Segment
 
AMW cuts a promo, hyping their match, which is next. During this segment Jackie reveals she is pregnant. As a result, Gail Kim fires her. Wait a minute … wasn’t she supposed to be their slave because of some videotape? Apparently the best way out of slavery is to get knocked up. If only the blacks had know that two hundred years ago!  
 
This is even more bizarre because I can’t recall her ever alluding to a boyfriend or husband on TV. But that’s irrelevant. Just remember, fucking is apparently the answer to all of life’s problems. Got herpes? More fucking will cure it for sure!


America's Most Wanted  vs. AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels:
 
Jackie and Gail are barred from ringside for this match, and AMW’s tag titles are on the line.
 
The action is fast right off the start, as AJ and Daniels waste no time here. All four of these guys can fucking go, and you know they will. Great back and forth action, seeing the high-spots start around mid-match with a dive into the crowd by AJ onto Harris. Shortly after, Daniels hits a Pele on Harris and leads it into a Death Valley Driver. Very nice. Daneils misses with a BME though, and Harris hits a Spear. Harris also catches AJ in a Doomsday 8-second Ride, ouch. Luckily, Daniels is there to make the save. This leads to a BME and a Moonsault, but still doesn’t get the job done for the challengers. Daniels even hits the Angel’s Wings on Storm, but the count is broken up. Shortly after, AJ hits the Clash on Harris.
 
Things look to be won for AJ and Daniels, but Harris blasts AJ with a club to give AMW the win. Not the ending I was hoping for, but a tremendous match nonetheless.
 
Backstage Segment
 
A1 and Larry are in the back with JB. Zybsko blames Raven for his problems, yadda yadda, this is hype for the upcoming match where A1 is working as Larry’s pinch hitter. Slick shows up during this bit to let us know that Zybsko’s replacement will be announced at Slammiversary, which is not to be confused with Steve Austin’s typical anniversary celebrations.
 
 Raven vs. A1:
 
A1 is representing Zybsko here, although the why of it is never really made clear.
 
Starts off with a double team on Raven by A1 and Zybsko. Once the bell rings Larry goes to the commentators table though. To my surprise, A1 dominates this match, and it’s a short one too. Raven hits a lucky Lung Blower near the end to turn the tide, but Zybsko distracts the ref, allowing A1 to nail Raven right in his “birds and bees.” Larry’s trying to help some more, but ends up getting in the way of A1’s fist. Raven then spikes A1 with a DDT and picks up the win, just like that.
 
Raven (along with McDonald’s) is your winner. Sorry Jenny Craig, maybe next time. But really, someone should tell Raven that those diet shakes don’t work if you drink 30 a day.
 
Hype is shown for the next match, and without any further ado we’re right back into the action.
 
Roode vs. Rhino:
 
If you ask me, Rhino’s never been the same since leaving ECW. This match appears to be filler, but we’ll see how it goes.
 
And it turns out I’m right. Nothing about this match really stands out. Roode hits a Northern Lariat for the win after Rhino tries to go after D’Amore. No high spots, and no storylines advanced. If you threw in a few commercials this could have easily been an Impact match.
 
Backstage Interview
 
Promo in back with 3-D to hype their upcoming match. Interesting that they reference past WWE history with the New Age Outlaws (now the James Gang), but that’s about it. Short promo.
 
Team 3D vs. The James Gang:
 
Let the battle to see which team is more washed-up begin!
 
On the way out Kip calls 3-D marks for knowing their win/loss record, but then goes on to say it took a steel pipe for 3-D to beat them last time. Personally, I think it was a ******** match right up there with Feng Wui vs. Hayakashi in Japan back in ’93.
 
Well, the crowd seemed to be into this match, but colour me in the minority. All I’m seeing so far is arm drags and headlocks, but okay. Anyway, after a Deadly Device fails to get the job done, the James Gang uses … a steel pipe! BG nails Devon and that’s it. Finally, the conclusion to a long and complex story arc, ended the same way it began. Or something.
 
Backstage Promo
 
Mitchell is here and he hypes the main event.
 
We’re now informed that the feed was lost during the end of the Liger vs. Petey match, so they take the time to show it again. I’m reminded of the WCW PPV main event that had to be aired on Nitro the next night because of the same problem. If useless trivia were pennies, I’d have … at least one penny.
 
World X Cup Finals – Gauntlet Match:

 
The finals are here. The winner will get 5 points and the runner-up will get 2. Every member from all four teams will be involved in this gauntlet match. The standings are the same as I listed them earlier.
 
This is a long match, and with so many guys involved it’s hard for a recap to do it justice. I’m just going to say this much: everything you’ve come to expect of the X-division is here. All of these guys are going all-out and they put on a hell of a match. Of all the matches on the card, this one is probably the most worthy of downloading, simply because it is all action and little storyline.
 
For those of you who want to know, Petey Williams hits a Canadian Destroyer on Puma for the win. This leaves the standings as thus:
 
Team Canada: 5 points
Team USA: 5 points
Team Mexico: 4 points
Team Japan: 3 points
 
So, we’ve got a tie. This situation is to be addressed on Thursday’s Impact.
 
After the match, Kevin Nash makes his LONG AWAITED (although not long enough) return. He powerbombs Puma and grabs a mic. Claims he doesn’t know who any of these guys are, suggesting they all look the same. Goes back to his “big guys beat small guys” schtick, and that’s it.
 
Backstage Promo
 
Joes’s in back and cuts a promo for the upcoming match against Jarrett and Steiner. Claims he will make his reputation off of destroying Steiner and Jarrett. The internet community collectively drools.
 
They run a hype video for the next match.
 
Before we get started though, we’re given more information on the X-cup situation. There will be a tie-breaker on Impact that will see Petey Williams vs. Chris Sabin. Should be a hell of a match-up, especially for free TV.


Scott Steiner & Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting & Samoa Joe :
 
Well, here’s proof that this ISN’T WCW after all, thank God.
 
One nice spot sees Joe hit a leaping Enziguri on Steiner. He also hits a STJOE to Steiner shortly after. There’s a Running Knee of Doom, which connects to Jarrett’s head, courtesy of Joe, as well. The end sees Joe hit another Enziguri to Jarrett after leaping from the ropes, and following it up with a Muscle Busta for the win. This match was all Joe, with the other three doing a great job of putting him over. Fucking great to see.
 
Joe and Sting shake hands after the match, and then Joe starts heading up the ramp. Steiner’s back in the ring though, and he nails Sting with a chair. Joe keeps walking. Jarrett then nails Sting with a guitar, and Joe … keeps walking. They keep going with the beat down until a bunch of the X-division guys run in for the save.
 
A hype video for the main event airs. 
 
NWA World Heavyweight Title - Full Metal Mayhem/TLC Match: Christian Cage  vs. Abyss:
 
You can bet this one isn’t going to be a technical masterpiece, but it should definitely be brutal.
 
At one point we see Christian lay a ladder over Abyss and go for the Frog Splash, but Abyss moves and Cage lands on the ladder. Mitchell comes in later and dumps some tacks on the mat right as Christian nails Abyss with an Unprettier on the ladder. This allows Christian to grab Mitchell now, and he slams him onto the tacks. Crazy that he took that bump. Cage nails Abyss with a chair as he’s lying on the table now, and then heads up the ladder. Instead of grabbing the belt he goes for the Frog Splash, and this time, it connects. Cage back up, and he’s got the belt. Awesome match, and great main event.
 
Christian has the belt once more, and that is it for Sacrifice.
 
Very good PPV on the whole, but too many filler matches definitely brought it down a notch. Still, Joe gets put over huge, and the main event was a brutal contest. Hard to complain. Plus, no Great Khali makes this an instant classic.
 
Well folks, that’s it for my second PPV Rant. Don’t forget to check out Impact on Thursday for all the post-PPV aftermath. And also make sure to check out the main page, which is always loaded with calorie-free goodness (take a note, Raven). Be sure to stop by the forums and shoot the shit with us, or you can e-mail me here. I always like to hear other opinions on TNA, so don’t be shy. Take care, and as always, I remain, 
 
Remy
 
 

Remy’s the kind of guy who enjoys long walks on the beach and quiet candle lit din … fuck that, chicks are crazy. He’s actually a wrestling fan (and therefore not single by choice, as he’d have you believe). He’s also a former admin of HTM.com, having been there for nearly three years. Now, he resides in limbo, wandering from forum to forum, fixing past wrongs, with the help of his friend Sam who … well, err, nevermind. He is, however, the brother of a well-known gentleman, whom you may have heard of, by the name of … JESUS! Well, not blood brother, but brother in the way black people say it, which is more meaningful, I think.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).