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Meanwhile, TNA iMPACT! Last one of the year, Unfortunately not the last one of the ever.

On a rambling, sober thought, will TNA EVER have a normal opening that DOESN'T involve a flashback of the previous week's shenanigans, followed by a "EARLIER THIS WEEK" or "EARLIER TODAY" thing or something happening BEFORE the opening credits thing? Only good shows with compelling storylines are allowed to do that!

Video thing tells of Mick Foley last week talking about Anderson Anderson and doing his such and stuff. As long as Foley is breathing, that match is not taking place, etcetera. Then, instead of opening video, Mick Foley comes out to the ring. He gets into the ring and gets a microphone, as opposed to a twisty straw and a drink, and says tonight is not particularly happy, so he wants to call out Ken Anderson.

Kennedy music hits, and he meanders out onto the top of the ramp, then meanders down to the ring, like the self-proclaimed shithead he is. Foley says he has a feeling the subject matter may dictate things may get contentious between the two. Wut? He says this goes back to when they first met, when they didn't know each other, but they found themselves in a room with an injured service member, and Miss America. And Kennedy Kennedy has to point out that, in this room with an honored wounded veteran of war in American armed services, he remembers that Mick Foley held Miss America's box. FUCK THE TROOPS, WE LIKE LAME AND UNFITTING SEX PUNS HERE IN TNA!

Foley says what Miss America meant to say was "why don't you guys take a picture of me and this soldier, and I'll take a picture with you and this soldier" but what she said instead was "Why don't you guys do me first, and I'll do both of you together?" before saying "I'm not sure that came out the right way", to which Anderson says "Maybe it did"

FUCK THE TROOPS, WE LIKE UNCOMFORTABLE AND POTENTIALLY UPSETTING SEX PUNS HERE IN TNA! Hey, who does the Superstars or NXT recaps? I'd sure like to trade places. Or even ride coattails on a Hogan Knows Best marathon in review. Something not so tasteless and boring as this.

Anyway, Foley says the biggest lie he's ever told repeatedly in his career is "I'm okay", and what he needed was someone in his face that he was not okay. So Foley is gonna be THE GUY for Kennedy and tell him he's not o-fucking-kay. YAY FOR A REFERENCE SO OBSCURE, EVEN I DON'T GET IT. Seriously, I don't. It was just there. I think it's from some emo song. Foley says think twice, for Kennedy doesn't LOOK okay, except that's how he always looks.

Anderson Anderson Anderson says that everyone's said it, and saying how much he respects Foley would sound cliché, but he finds it OFFENSIVE that Foley is doubting him and calling him a liar.

REEEEEMIX! So! Making unfunny and vaguely unfitting sex puns about taking pictures with a wounded US soldier is QUALITY STORYTIME MATERIAL, while telling a self-proclaimed obnoxious fuckwit with a history of being sleazy that he is NOT physically fit to compete, and that perhaps he is unaware that he is not fit, is OFFENSIVE! OFFENSIVE, EVEN! On a related note, where is the total nonstop action? I'll stop bashing on their name when they start delivering on it.

Because Anderson is stupid, he says FOLEY IS CALLING HIM A LIAR because he's been checked and tested and he's medically cleared. Foley says he's not calling him a liar, but that he lacks the Prometheus to look off into the future, and so LOOK AT FOLEY who said he was okay when he may or may not have been. He knew what he was getting in to when he was diving off stuff in the 1980s and he walks like a guy twice his age and since he's slipped on the Sketcher's Shapeups, he's feeling a little bit better. SHAMELESS PLUG! But there's no Sketcher's Shapeup for your brain, once you messed that up, you messed it up for good.

Because Anderson is stupid, he says FOLEY IS STILL CALLING HIM A LIAR. There's just no hope for you, is there, Aryan idiot. He says there's an old expression; if you can't get along, get it on. One, I've never heard of that, and Two, that's rather homosexual in this circumstance.

Matt Morgan comes out then to be all like "So what's this gonna be at Genesis?" thing and says is this gonna be a competitiong between the two, or another ANDERSON CON GAME! Another? When was the first? But Morgan learned one thing in the wrassling bidness, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN SAYS DTA! But come Sega Genesis, that bell will sound, and it's gonna be on, and whether he's 50% or 100%, it makes no difference to him, he has no choice but to go through him. Oooh yeah, babe.

Anderson's like "Con? Dyou say Con? Is this gonna be another Mister Anderson con?" He then says remember; he's a mentally deficient cretin, conning is what he does. I'm pretty sure I've never seen him con anyone. Like, ever. He says he gonna get through Morganite to get to Jeff Harvey--HARDY! Obviously, no one is FRICKIN hearing him, so he don't have to wait till Sunday, and they face off like they gonna fight. HOORAY FOR FACES FIGHTING WHILE HEELS CACKLE WICKEDLY!

Speaking of being drunk and taking six hours to do this recap, here be Jeff Hardy out to mumble some! He says it's great to see everyone getting along HURRDURR but he say he was the one to give Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson a concussion, and that if he had wanted to hurt Anderson permanently, he would have. Because he's a professionalSNORT and he knows exactly what he's doing. That's okay, I know exactly what I'm doing when I stick my tongue down my cousin's mouth for Christmas that one time I was drunk and his parents were annoying me with stupid questions. So here's what we do tonight! They're gonna be on opposite teams for tag team match, and he's selected their partners WISELY! Because Mike Tenay's an idiot tool, he says WHO ARE THE PARTNERS? because like... he just fucking announced it now, no one's going to fucking tell you, you aren't going to find out by asking rhetorically, and it only makes you sound like a buffoonish waste of air.

Speaking of whatever I just said there, EXTREME CLOSEUP OF ERIC YOUNG WITH A BIGASS WHITE BEARD! He's looking slightly up and away, and say "Thou... shall travel the mountain and the bush shall speak to me and he said... Thou shall have booze. Thou shall have donuts! Thou shall have the greatest party of all---" and he is interrupted by Orlando Jordan. He's... well, he's supposed to be Father Time, apparently, but claims he's Moses. He, uh... I...

Speaking of which! Orlando Jordan is dressed as... Baby New Year. I don't even. Eric Young somehow interprets this as Baby Sumo New Year. I... is that mistletoe on Eric's head? Says Orlando Jordan while awkwardly leaning in towards him? No, it's just some shit his mother sends him that he chose to use because it's shit, I guess 

Anyway, because it just SCREAMS "RATINGS"! we get another DOUBLE J DOUBLE M-A CHALLENGE!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Discovery Channel kills Michael Jackson autopsy re-enactment

Robert Roode vs Chris Sabin

They start with headlock and arm wrenching stuff back and forth with the arm wrenching. Robert Roode gets tossed on the ropes by Sabin, but he then knocks Sabin down, and runs some more but Sabin bounce saround, then armdrags him some, and armlocks him down, but Roode gets up and pushes Sabin into the corner and choppies him. He swings with a right hand but Sabin moves and he hits the corner and Sabin attacks him some, then irish whip into the other corner and armlock. He attacks Chris Sabin some, then tries to throw him out of the ring but Sabin reverses and throws him onto the apron, but Sabin knocks him off, then springboard crossbodies onto him.

He then rolls in Robert Roode and pin gets 2. He gets Roode into a corner and irish whip reversed, but he boots and steps all over Roode's face and tries to springboard onto Roode but he catches him into a DVD, and pin gets 2. Roode puts the boots to Sabin and now drives the boot, says Mike Tenay. The referee pulls him away and Roode picks up Sabin, but Sabin punches him up, then bounces on the ropes and flips over Roode into a sunset flip thing and pin gets 2. Roode gets up and clotheslines Sabin down and pin gets 2.

Now he grounding Sabin with a headlock thing on the mat. Or The Taz calls it a rear chinlock or something. THEY'RE ALL FUCKING HEADLOCKS! THERE IS NO FUCKING CHINLOCK, IT'S ALL FUCKING HEADLOCKS. Roode tries a back drop thing on Sabin, but Sabin flips out of it, and they try some running stuff but Sabin knocks Roode down with forearm shots and such, then gets on the second rope and Hurricanrana's Roode. Then he gets to the other side and springboard clotheslines him from the apron and pin gets 2.

Robert Roode stops Sabin from doing something, then hugs him from behind but then reversed him, and Roode pin gets 2 and Sabin shoves him off and he lands on his ass, and Sabin turns him over for pin gets 2. Sabin tries to kick Roode, but Roode catches, only ot be Enzuigiri'd URRRRR and pin gets 2. Sabin runs at Roode in the corner and Samoa Joe kicks his face, only high angle. Roode falls off, and Sabin gets to the apron again to do a springboard Tornado DDT but Roode counters with GENERIC SPINEBUSTER and pinwin.

WINNAR: Robert Roode

Backstage, ROB VAN DAM muttering nonsensical stuff about something. He then mentions that he's facing a mystery opponent tonight. HEY, REMEMBER WHEN ROB VAN DAM WAS TNA'S HOT ACQUISITION AND HE BECAME WORLD CHAMPION SO FAST?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Snooki stole that from Battlestar Galactica

Backstage somewhere, PARTY with Eric Young sitting on the armrest of Orlando Jordan's plushy chair. FUN PARTY... it's apparently empty. Young says he's already given his list to Santa and got what he wanted, and he doesn't understand what "this" does to make them a better tag team. OH NOESZ GENERIC STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN music plays and SAVE YOURSELF, ORLANDO sayeth Moses, and... it's Shark Boy. He comes in to say WHAT A GREAT PARTY and he never misses a party, especially one that MIGHT be on national television.

Speaking of being a total suck and failure, he remarks that HEY maybe he'd like to get on iMPACT more, you know, so as to actually be relevant and on TV and not have to dodge TNA management every time he skips out to the bathroom. So if Eric Young can do anything about that, maybe give SUPER ERIC a call, he'd do just about anybody to get on iMPACT. I'm sorry, Freudian slip, he said he'd do just about anything to get on iMPACT, except maybe dress up like an old man and sit in the lap of someone wearing a diaper. See, because that's what Eric Young, oh fuck it. Orlando Jordan offers him his other knee to sit on, and Shark Boy says SURE HE'LL DO IT if it'll get him on TV. Hooray for being a prostitute! Eric Young suppositions that Shark Boy is drunk already. BE WARY, for he drinks like a fish.

Rob Van Dam vs MYSTERY OPPONENT Robbie E

See? Because he's called SHARK BOY and he's like a fish, and he drinks. So he drinks like a fish. Oh right, MYSTERY OPPONENT! Rob Van Dam is waiting on him. Van Dam thinks this constitutes MIND GAMES! I do not think it means what he thinks it means. He say there's no stopping Rob Van Dam until the opponent put in the ring with him is Jeff Hardy. Does this mean all Bischoff needs to do is give RVD a title shot against Hardy, beat his ass, then RVD will stop being a stoned nuisance and probably be fired? Anyway, his opponent is apparently Robbie E, the guy I sometimes call Robbie V because I just don't care and because that was Rob Van Dam's WCW name. CONNECTIONS! WE ARE ALL CONNECTED! CONSPIRACY!

Meanwhile, apparently Rob Van Dam will also have a MYSTERY OPPONENT this Sunday at Hyundai Genesis, and... I cannot even come up with a token explanation as to how that constitutes a MIND GAME. Fucking Mike Tenay. Anyway, highlight of the match is Robbie V doing his OH OH OH thing, then Rob Van going RVD thing instead. See, because it's remotely similar. The Taz is quite entertained by THE SHORE! Hey, remember when it was called THE SHORE and it was supposed to involve something? Instead of just Robbie E being in midcard hell, winning some matches against X people and being buried by heavyweights until the day comes when Creative has nothing for him? Speaking of nothing, he does a bunch of nothing moves against Rob Van and pin gets 2, then he tries a HEADLOCK!

Rob Van Dam gets up slowly, then bops Rob V in the guts, and such, then irish whip Robbie E into the corner and Rob Van Dam kicks him, then does a Rolling Thunder into a splash thing. Then he goes to the top rope for a Five Star Frog Splash and pinwin.

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam

But look, up on the screen! Diet Raven mumbling stuff! Apparently something about revenge getting by Rob Van Dam, but he must beat an opponent at Project Genesis, and if he passes that test, he gets Hardy, but ONLY if he survives. Meanwhile, backstage, KAZ arrives with two blonde sluts or something.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: YOU DO NOT PUT "Rambo" ON BASIC CABLE TV! You'd have better luck putting "Saw" on basic cable. There'd certainly be a shitload less cuts and censoring to make.

Backstage somewhere, Sarita walks down a hall bitching to the cameraguy, and says she has NO IDEA what she's gonna do to her tonight. SHe has a belt? A leather belt? She's gonna whip that ass of Velvet Sky. Ohh dude AAGH!

Kaz comes out and to the ring to say he defeated THREE MEN LAST WEEK to become number one contender for the X Division title. They need number one contender matches for that shit? So KAAZ will now face Jay Lethal at some point because Eric Bischoff is under the impression that eating the most pizzas at the pizza joint makes you the owner of the pizza joint. Kaz will give us some INSIGHT as to why Jay Lethal is the way he is. What? And why the only thing lethal about him is the stink from his cornrows. DAS RACIST! Let's take for instance the childhood home of Jay Lethal; this place was a dump, these people were so poor they had to bring the garbage in, and the front door and the back door are on the same hinge.

Well... they're showing video footage to accompany that, and it's not only inaccurate information, but wildly so. To a degree that would make Desmond Fail facepalm. And not only was he raised in this CRACKHOUSE (das racist) but there was a WHOLE KLAN of little lethal cretins raised in this dump, Keegan Ivory and Damon Lethal. I... what? And Jay's two sisters, Whitney and Beyoncé Lethal. I... I think Kaz knows very little about the art of insult.

Meanwhile, they were raised by Jay Lethal's sweet mommy, and this is a woman so FUGLY, so rancid, so disgusting, that, that, well that she fits right in with all of you at the iMPACT Zone. Desmond Fail ahoy!

Speaking of failure, Jay Lethal runs out RUNS OUT and rolls into the ring, only to be popped in the head by Kaz with a weapon, and knocked to a total stop. Meanwhile backstage, Mick Foley is wandering about.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: No, no, I can't masturbate to "The Three Stooges"... or can I?

Backstage in teh office, Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair do old people stuff and talk while Mick Foley enters in and Bischoff's like WHAT DO YOU WANT and Ric Flair's like KNOCK ON THE DOOR! KNOCK ON THE DOOR! Mick Foley has something to say unless they can MAGICALLY make him disappear. Here's the deal; the two of them put Anderson and Morgan in a match and don't let them know their opponent, but that they should tell them because it could help them prepare for their match and such.

Flair says YOU DON'T ASK, YOU DON'T TELL FLAIR OR BISCHOFF ANYTHING! THEY RUN THE COMPANY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ANYWAY? I SHOULD HAVE YOUR ASS LOCKED UP IN JAIL! Really says a lot about their management style given that Foley came out to the fucking ring, gave big long speeches and arguments, then started walking around the place for over an hour and wasn't even noticed until he fucking showed up in their office. Foley says he don't have the power to change the match, and he can't appeal to their kinder sides because they don't have them. Flair says he is insensitive, INSENSITIVE to Foley's bullshit. But Foley says he will have his EYES on them, because he'll TOTALLY do absolutely nothing about it anyway.

TNA Knockouts Strap Match
Velvet Sky vs Sarita

Velvet Sky comes out first and fwaps on the mat with the strap some. Sarita comes out, and apparently the rules are they have to be connected at the wrist. See, this is the sort of thing I should know, but I don't because I don't care or because strap matches such a dick. SPeaking of dick sucking, Velvet takes initial advantage with some strap tugging, and Sarita leaves the ring, but Velvet tugs her and trips her up. Outside, Sarita tackles Velvet in the chest, then strapwhips her back when she's on her hands and knees. Sarita whips her some more and such, then pulls her by the hair and throws her back into the ring. Hey wait, Sarita's the heel? I forgot already.

I also forgot that strap matches are won by touching the turnbuckles in order, and not by pinfall or disqualification or just whatever, WCW style. I wouldn't hold it against them if it was decided by first blood or something. Sarita touches some turnbuckles, but Velvet Sky gets up, and the strap comes off of Sarita's wrist, so referee JACKSON JAMES has to put it back on her, and now Velvet Sky in control of her some, wrapping it around her neck and holding Sarita on her back while trudging along to the turnbuckles, but oh noesz Sarita gains control and tosses Velvet Sky over her form and... uhh... Sarita wins? Apparently the turnbuckle touching is cumulative.

WINNAR: Sarita

For whatever reason, Sarita keeps beating on Velvet Sky after the match. Oh right, she's the heel. I forgot. Angelina Love chases her away.

Meanwhile, backstage at fun potty, Orlando Jordan wonders if Shark Boy even works for TNA. He says technically he works for TNA but the next step is now actually getting on the TNA show. Orlando says he's never seen him. YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE, BRUTHA! Hooray for Fail Boy! Meanwhile, Eric Young is talking to The Brian Kendrick saying the real reason he's invited Kendrick is he NEEDS his New Year's resolutions. I... why? He plan on jacking them? What's your fookin logic, boyo? The Brian remarks that Eric Young is the world champion, and Kendrick has a beer in each hand, thus 2010 is a success! I cannot argue with such logic. He then insinuates that due to this success, it should be more of the same! Yes, the TNA approach to everything!

Eric Young then shows off some moves he been practicing with the shepherd stick thing he has, whaps Fail Boy in the back, and spills six SHARKweisers on the carpet. Orlando talked about this before! He's not allowed to poke other guys with his staff. HAAAAHAHAHAHAH. Speaking of which, where be all the girls! he asks. Did he invite any girls? Should Fail Boy invite some mermaids? Eric Young supposes perhaps they're all gonna come in one car like clowns.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Don't you hate it when you're on the phone, drinking some water, and you suddenly cough up six feet of string, and then your phone starts to bleed?

Apparently, while we were fitted to Brian Kendrick's wisdom and Eric Young's poking guys in the rear, ANGELINA LOVE AND VELVET SKY were yelling at each other in the ring, with Velvet like IT'S NOT YOU IT'S NOT YOU URRRGH. Hey, speaking of which, remember how Angelina Love is part of the TNA Knockouts Tag champions now? I honestly can't.

Meanwhile, NOW, Angelina Love finds Sarita sitting around randomly backstage, and ambushes her and such with attack, lamely beating on her with fake punches and such, and kicking her and slamming her along the stair railings. Sarita apparently still has the strap, and takes control of Angelina to hit her, when ZUMFGZ, Caprica-Six arrives to rescue Dr. Angelina Love.

Then, video package of TNA's failures this past year. Or pretty much everything they've done this past year. The majority of the package involves nonspecific and vague wishes of the superstars for what will happen in 2011. I sure hope Double J has got nothin going on but MOAR DOUBLE M A stuffs. That's just great, ain't it. See, I say it facetiously because it's not, in fact, great.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Nexus of what?

In a lockerroom, TEH Douglas Williams bickers some to the camera guy when BRUTAL MANGE appears and is all like If anybody's gonna have yo back, it's me, I gotcha back, mate, etcetera. Fuck that noise, it's tiem for TOTARU NONSTOPPUKU ACSHUN


You know when Double J made Amazoring Red tap out pretty damn quick, he said Red good job but I need some more challengers. Nobody in this building or on this talent roster can match up to him or will any face him... thus, the logical recourse is to beat up on Amazing Red's family! Amazing Red comes out instead. Jarrett talks shit, then says he'll give Red's brother the first shot, from behind and such. So the random generic guy pretending to be Red's brother comes out, and he's all big with generic tribal tattoos, and dorky little hair nozzles that look like Amazing Red's hair.

He stands behind Jarrett, and pats his shoulder to get his attention. Jarrett all stares at him while Red bounces like a fag and motions for him to beat Jarrett some. Jarrett's like wha whoa whoa whoa whoa. Jarrett attacks him, but he grabs him and pushes him away into a corner. Jarrett then goes to bop him in the chest, but the guy grabs Jeff's leg in a leglock but Jarrett gets the rope, then starts punching on the red guy. Red guy then grabs Jarrett's ankle for a Shamrock Ankle Lock and Jarrett reaches out so Captain Murphy and the other guy can pull him out. The Amazoring Rod then beats up on one of them, and Jeff gets a guitar to hit Little Red with, but Amazing Red snatches it and smashes it on the mat. Jarrett flees into the loving arms of his sweaty young men in black t-shirts.

Speaking of which, The Taz remembers that Brutus Magnus and The Douglas Williams were once part of BRITISH INVASION which was also a part of WORLD ELITE with heel Eric Young at its head. Remember that? Remember how it just kind of meandered about and then ended? Fuck you.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm rather shocked that when an anorexic dies due to anorexia, their anorexic friends don't take that as kind of a hint... to stop being anorexic. I'm pretty sure throwing up doesn't have that same smooth, cool, satisfying feeling of smoking or drinking or eating or fucking.

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett WHINES AND COMPLAINS about his Double J Double M A challenge. He says tall guys are too lanky and might fall over, and so says all competitors should be his size or shorter. Also, they should be exhibition bouts. And the competitors should sign waivers. For... I don't know, the idea of waivers or legal action/retribution was never once even remotely hinted upon by anyone anywhere.

AJ Styles and Big Roid Terry vs Brutus Magnus and Douglas Williams

Oh fuck you, I get one per week, and I didn't use one for a long time.

WINNAR: AJ Styles and Big Rob Terry

What, you expected Williams and Magnus to win just because they turned face and got rid of Failure? What company do you think you're watching? Also, fuck you.

Speaking of fuck, Madison Rayne wanders around backstage dressed in a strapless black dress and black gloves and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My world just came apart and was put back together again in a poorly constructed and thought out manner, crooked enough to ensure that despite the physical stability, I could come apart and rupture, perhaps even drop dead without much notice or something.

Speaking of which, the party happening in the middle of nowhere, being attended to by nobodies! This time, THOSE GUYS and Tarantula arrive to make noise and be stupid. Orlando Jordan is glad they're here, but the rule is if they want to party, they have to take their shirts off. I... what? Apparently, Orlando Jordan meant Tara. He drags her into him all dancingly, then tries to pull her shirt up, when THOSE GUYS attack! Further violence is spared as THE BRIAN KENDRICK receives a message! ... it was just gas, nevermind. Back to fighting. Tara and Fail Boy don't give a fuck.

Madison Rayne is announced to come out, and... a bunch of guys appears. They stand on the ramp and do odd arm motions as Madison comes in, and they then carry her to the ring. Boy does that one guy on the left look uncomfortable. Really, really, really uncomfortable. It's kind of scary, the more you watch it. It even reaches a point where he can't smile anymore, but then forces it again. I wonder if they're all minor league wrestler guys or just random stagehands pressed into this. Madison Rayne makes them all go away, but kiss her hand first, one by one, before leaving.

Now, time for her to screech like a Guerrero, making So Cal Val get to the apron to give her the microphone. She tells everyone to drink it in, then screeches I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY RIGHT NOW SHUT UP! Wait, is she a heel? I honestly don't even remember. SHe keeps screeching, too. Why? She says she put on this $79,000 Vera Wang dress here, and The Taz makes me laugh by asking "whose wang?" and she says she knows that you people want a champion who is beautiful, full of class and elegance, and all things perfect, and not some backwoods retard cornfed frumpy flannel-wearing HARDCORE CUNTRY slut. This produces said HARDCORE CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNTRY shout and the hard cunt herself, all to Madison Rayne's faux-redneck squealings. On a related note, since when is Richmond, Virginia the BACKWOODS CORN-EATING COWGIRL REDNECK SOUTH?

Mickie James snatches the microphone from Madison Rayne and tells her to shut up, and says right now is when she'd say something like FALCON PAWWWNCH! Not really, but she punched Madison. Then she pulls the dress off Madison, causing her to squeal and run, apparently without the championship belt, either.

Video package thing of Matt Morgan talking about how everyone sucks a dick because his story is better than everyone else's, because he beat up Jeff Harvey--HARDY! twice, but due to crapappenin, he's not champion. Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson asks if Hardy should be the face of TNA, but that he's been popular for a long time, and his soul is sold to the FRICKIN devil. How highly you must think of Bischoff and Hogan! No sir, I highly doubt Satan would be as grossly incompetent as them.

Speaking of religious stuff, HIS HOLY DARKNESS the Pope, backstage with his inevitable sleazy heel turn with his collecting donation money for hookers and booze. That's what I'm thinking, though. Pope talks to a random guy, saying he's on a big campaign to make a difference in the neighborhood for the kids and whatnot, and what better than to give them a gift that keeps on giving... he wants to adopt some puppies and give them to kids! No no this is TOO babyfacey... mmm.. AHA! There it is! He says while the guy is back there, he wants some PITBULLS. Yeeeuh, bitch, pitbulls. The guy says pitbulls aren't exactly good family pets, which shows how BULLSHIT and FAKE AND LIE this guy is, because pitbulls are GREAT family pets, so long as you aren't the kind of family that smacks people in the face and chucks your pitbull up into the ceiling fan.

But Pope maintains still the FACE-Yness by saying he don't know what kind of neighborhood he talkin about, it gets rough and tough and such and these kids can handle pitbulls, so let's go look at that and see what we got.

Going back to my original point, Mick Foley expounds EXACTLY what I said before that Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Kennedy was too goddamn stupid to comprehend; that he believes he IS okay, but he really isn't. That he can be physically okay, but in the rough and tumble wrestling ring, he could be more susceptible to Chris Benoit.

Anderson Anderson and "Bully" Ray vs Matt Morgan and Brother Devon

Ah. How ordinary. At least they remembered these two still exist and have a storyline going on. So may as well stuff them into this clusterschmizzery. Devon starts with Anderson Anderson Anderson, but Devon don't give a fuck, and demands Brother---BULLY Ray get in. Kennedy offers his hand to tag BULLY Ray in, but Ray just trashtalks on Devon from the corner. Kennedy makes like to tag him, but Bruther Ray walks down the apron. Meanwhile, to the left, BISCHOFF IS ON THE STAGE and he sends Gunna and Murph Murph to toss Mick Foley out. WAY TO REACT NOW, TWO HOURS INTO THE FUCKING SHOW!

Mick Foley offers to go peacefully... and punches on them, then gets Socko to use on one of them. But they beat on him with nightstick, then handcuff him. Honestly, ANYONE in their right mind would do that; they come to escort Mick Foley off the premises peacefully, he reacts by PUNCHING them, they hit him ONCE and handcuff him to keep him from attacking them further. AND THIS IS A HEELISH MOVE, WHY?

Meanwhile, in the ring, BULLY RAY is fighting Devon now, and beating on him, then a neckbreaker thing on him. He then shouts I TOLD YOU HE'S WEAK! HE'S WEAK! Ray punches on Devon some, and Devon nosells the first punch, but then sells the second, and Kennedy gets tagged in, and he's jawbreakered by Devon and HURRDURR CONCUSSION REACTION! Anderson all wiggs out like he's got a concussion. From a fucking jawbreaker. Supposedly he's medically cleared, and a fucking JAWBREAKER sets him off all wiggly and woozy. The Taz then remarks that we have NO EVIDENCE that Anderson is even medically cleared, meaning all his braying like a donkey about medically cleared has all been bullshit for all we know, especially given that he's now swaying and wigging out from a fucking JAWBREAKER.

Bruther Ray rushes in since Anderson is fucked in the head, and beats up on Morgan some, then he smacks Anderson hard, and throws him into the ring, and is like GET IN THERE and such. Morgan tries to do something on Anderson, but Anderson twists around him and does a DDT, then gets to the second rope and jumps into Morgan's hand for a chokeslam. HURRDURR BACK OF HIS HEAD BOUNCES OFF THE MAT! Devon chases Bully Ray around some, and Morgan tries to do a Discus clothesline on Anderson or Ray, but Ray runs and Morgan hits Anderson and pinwins. HIT HIM RIGHT IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!

WINNAR: Matt Morgan and Brother Devon

Because he's a fag, Morgan helps Anderson up, and because he's a fuckass, Anderson shoves Morgan away and FRIGS OUT ALL CRAZY LIKE at him.

TNA YAY: Pitbulls! I want a pitbull from the Pope!

TNA BOO: Unless my capacity to judge a wrestling match is diminished (though I am probably one of the only people who thinks the 2003 Royal Rumble match between Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit was a lame, tame, dicksucking affair of suckitude, a Billy Gunn match compared to their Wrestlemania X7 match), I do believe TNA's overall wrestling is declining in quality.

TNA WTF: A trespasser is asked to leave the premises, then starts punching the security guards, so they whack him and handcuff him, and they're the bad guys because of it? Also, who are the heels and faces in the Kncokouts division?

Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com


Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).