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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(12/23/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

This TNA episode comes on the special heels of being special only in that it comes a few days before the BIGGEST HOLIDAY IN THE EVAR for the USandA. And faggotheads like Faggot Not in the Middle will wish you a Merry Christmess, I give you a resounding Fuck you for being so shallow and sleazy. Because I'm a jerk like that, here is my view of Christmas: aside from the Jesus part, it's hideously hypocritical. The central concept of it is to "be good" and nice to people, to empathize and show compassion, for just one day of the year, as though being a decent person is something reserved for special occasions.

The most interesting thing I learned is that Jesus's teachings have very little in common with actual Christian practice. Not a direct quote, but a summary of his views on God: "God loves you not because of what you do, but because of who God is"

So yes, even God loves TNA, perhaps in the ironic "YAY WCW 2001" type way that I do. Speaking of which, here be TNA!

 

Video package thing of Matt Morgan whining and bitching about Anderson Anderson doing his thing with a concussion with Bischoff forcing him to do so and such. Apparently there was some kind of conflict in which Morganite wondered if Anderso was UP TO SNUFF ENUFF to handle himself in the ring. And of course, this played no role whatsoever once the match actually started.

 

Now we start with IMMORTUL coming out to their Genericized Voodoo Child and boy theres a lot of Immortalia thar. Supposedly TNA has a roster as huge as WWE's, yet all these people in Immortal essentially make up 90% of TNA at the moment. They here for TEH WEIGH-IN, something SO PRESTIGIOUS it's only brought about every so often when the writers have only come up with 45 minutes of material for a 90 minute show. Ric Flair gets on the microphone like you know IMMORTAL and such etcetera, but there's a STRANJUR AMONG THEM! The man the girls call the Freak, or something. He's gonna be SO PRESTIGIOUS he's gonna be... their bodyguard. Hey, wasn't that the same position Matt Morgan held before being humiliated into a babyface?

 

Bischoff says this isn't going to be a NORMAL WEIGHIN! So they got doctors on hand to check out Morgan and Anderson, to make sure they're completely... MORGAN MUSIC HITS... healthy... and you could've waited till I finished before coming out. He gets in the ring and Ric Flair's like FIRST THING YOU DO is wipe the smile off your face, and pay attention to him. Morgan instead gets on the microphone saying Judging by what we got here, this is a sham! This whole thing is a sham. You know it I know it these whole people know it.

Being a glorywhore, wanting all the power, that's a certain kind of low, but to continue to put an athlete's health at risk, KNOWING he has a concussion and brain trauma, is a whole new kind of low. TNA! APPEALING TO THE MAINSTREAM! BY PROMOTING ABUSE OF CONCUSSED ATHLETES!

They say how about the doctor check Morgan now, and Morgan says HOW ABOUT WE TAKE THE DOCTOR'S temperature with Morgan's foot in his ass! This brings out Mick Foley. Oh wait, MICK FOLEY! It's supposed to be something big, I guess. He says LEMME HANDLE THIS ONE TONIGHT and says it's his first time back in the iMPACT Zone since October 7th when he and Ric Flair tore this place apart, and a week later Ric was back in the iMPACT Zone and Foley was on his couch, feeling like he was underwater, the sounds of his childrens' voices muted, the victim of yet another concussion.

He wsay it was a GREAT MOMENT in his career, and perhaps the LAST GREAT MOMENT of his career because he has suffered too many concussions. Benoit-style? I hope not. He says we have learned it's not just the number of concussions that matters, but the amount of healing time in between the concussions that makes the difference. PSA ALL THE WAY YAY! He says Anderson will do what he has to do because he loves TNA and loves stuff and wants to go for the championship. So remember, people, if you want something, fuck the world and fuck having a fallback plan and fuck your health, just go for it! And fuck it when Foley said HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING TO BE A WRESTLER, just go for it and have fun living off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day living in your car!

Foley says Anderson Anderson is in no condition, and as long as Mick Foley is standing here and breathing, that match is not taking place. VICTOIRE POUR L'PROLETARII. Shut up, it's not proper French. Ric Flair gets in his face and says YOOU are WHINY, PATHETIC HUMAN BEING! YOU'RE the one that raised the bar so high that kids are jumping off roofs, breaking their necks, stepping on nails, rolling around on glass, the WHOLE BUSINESS suffered because of what you did. STOP SHOOTING, FLAIR!~@! !~!!!

He say EVERY COMPANY IN WRESTLING HAD TO SUFFER WHAT YOU STARTED, YOU AINT GOT THE BALLS OR THE SKILL TO BE A MAN AND WRESTLE! STOP SHOOTING, FLAIR!~!!! He says he started it and such. He say he wrestled HOURS HOURS HOURS 365 DAYS A YEAR, HIT IN THE HEAD A THOUSAND TIMES, NOBODY LET ME BITCH WHINE AND CRY.

That was prolly one of the best Ric Flair promos I've ever heard, me having never heard a Ric Flair promo before 2001. Foley says HE DONT DENY A WORD HE SAID!Q HE KNOWS HE BEEN PART OF THE PROBLEM! NOw let him be a part of the solution. Flair says the solution is kiss my ass. He then smacks Ric's microphone away and says I'M TALKING FROM THE HEART HERE! WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO US WHEN WE DIE; A MAN COMES INTO THE ROOM WITH A SAW, AND HE CUTS OFF THE TOP OF OUR HEADS, AND HE TAKES OUR BRAINS OUT BECAUSE WE HAVE DONATED OUR BRAINS TO SCIENCE! Ric Flair gets his microphone back and says WHEN I DIE IT WILL BE IN HERE, OR ON TOP OF A WILD WOMAN!

Foley says he's not gonna let Anderson Anderson make the same mistakes he made, and he's NOT letting this match take place. Eric Bischoff says MICK, you've convinced me. Fifty bucks says he's gonna make Foley wrestle in his place. Bischoff says he sees Foley trying to redeem himself, now that nobody's watching him wrestle (STOP SHOOTING) nobody's reading his books, etcetera, he's had time to reflect and become AN HERO and sympathetic icon, this is a professional wrestling version of EATING YOUR DEAD. What? Because he's living off of the corpses and injuries and people he forced to keep up with him and he's not stopping any match in this company or anywhere else, now hit his FRICKIN music.

 

Hooray for Totaru Nonsotoppuku Acshionu..? Who needs wrestling in the first twenty minutes when you can have HEATED DISCUSSION about concussions!?

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Kurrgan speaking French just sounds so awesome

 

Backstage somewhere, some freak in a pink cap/hood appears in Matt Morgan's locker area and Morgan's like Wut the hell you doing, and the pink fag is revealed as Jeff Harvey--HARDY! He tells Matt to sit down pls, and is like this isn't about me and you anymore, this is about professional wrestling, but whether you like it or not, they're a lot alike; they both want to be the best. NIGGA, THAT DESCRIBES PRETTY MUCH EVERYFUCKINGBODY IN THE WRESTLING BUSINESS.

He said this is about professional wrestling, Anderson Anderson admitting he's a fucking piece of shit, the other starting with a barbed wire baseball bat and such so WHO ARE THEY TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO AND SUCH. He tells Morgan that Flair and Bischoff don't tell you to your face when they're going to screw you, so in that match tonight think about what he said, and may the best team win. Who is supposed to be the heel here?! Or is he methed all to hell and got kinky ideas in mind for SUPER SUBTLTY?!

Meanwhile, Mike Tenay whines and bitches again about Jeff Jarrett using Angle's elevating platform thing. Yeah, how dare he make use of an expense that would otherwise see no use given that the person it was intended for is kind of sort of fired/out of action!

 

Double J Double M-A Challenge!!!

 

He get on the microphone asking ARE WE READY BOYS ARE WE READY? It's been several weeks since he issued the Double J Double M A Challenge, and that challenge being if any man woman or child can make him submit or tap tap tap out, he would pony up $100,000 of his own money. He gotta tell you people he is VERY VERY VERY DISAPPOINTED in each and every one of you because it's become PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that NOBODY can make him tap or submit, so he's gonna open it up to the PROFESSIONALS because the other guys were TOTALLY not plants. Not even.

He says that AMAZING RED caught his eye last week, and he feels he deserves a second chance here, to get some of Double J's money. The Taz says he thinks htat's nice of Jarrett, but Mike Tenay is giving him a queer look and The Taz is like THat's uh you don't think that's nice.

 

Jeff Jarrett vs Amazing Red

 

Earl Hebner stops him first to feel him up or something. What's he gonna bring a knife in with him to shank him? The "doctor" starts touching Red's face a bunch, apparently putting something in hsi eyes. HURRDURR SHENANIGANS! Jarrett punches up on Rod a bunch, then puts an Shamrock Ankle Lock on him, then turns around on him a bunch to hump his leg. Red tap tap taps out. He was not For Real enough.

 

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett

 

He pulls Red up and is all like GOOD JOB and such and shakes his hand and such. They start talking some and Jarrett's like OH HE'S GOT A BABY BROTHER! BRING HIM NEXT WEEK! Yeeeuh, moar violence on children!

 

Backstage, Tarantula and Madison Rayne talk and such, and Tara's like they need to make this quick because she has a party with THOSE GUYS. Byeeeeeehhhhhhh.

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Wow, Faggot in the Middle, just because the title of the movie is "The Empire Strikes Back" this means that its name is officially "The Empire"? And I suppose because it's called "Return of the Jedi", the official name of them is "The Jedi", instead of "The Jedi Order"? And I guess the Grand Army of the Republic is just called "The Clones" since the title of that movie was "Attack of the Clones"? Do you put ANY thought at all into ANYTHING you say to me? I will fucking END you.

 

Backstage somewhere, Rob Van Dam! He's like this is the night and FINALLY after three months of playing Bischoff's games and walking through his obstacle courses and such, and now he's gonna be looking across the ring at JEFFF HARDY. He kind of staggers, like he's about to fall. No worries, Rob Van! They let Hardy go out to the ring in similar condition at a PPV.

 

Max Hardly vs Jeff Hardly vs Kaz vs Robbie E

 

At least I think it is. They never really... uhhh... fuck. Must... I don't know if this is a tag team match or a four way. Fucking TNA. Tenay then says it's a FOUR WAY MATCH, so I have to go back and change the title listing thing. The Young Fucks pretend like they're gonna fight, then pose like fags and start double teaming on Jay Lethal. But... uhh... FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S A FOURWAY MATCH, WHY ARE THEY USING TAG TEAM RULES?

Photobucket

 

Robbie tries to tag in Kaz after being beaten on, but since Kaz ISN'T A FUCKING RETARD, he drops off the apron and says fuck him. When Robbie E gets rolled up, Kaz rushes in to kick the pin off. Generation THOSE GUYS double team on Robbie E, and do some kind of flippy into a powerbomb thing with the two of them, and Robbie E staggers to his feet and tries to tag in Kaz, but he looks like he's gonna have a seizure, so Kaz punches him. They double team on Robbie E again, and Kaz breaks up a pin.

THOSE GUYS then tag out again, and put Robbie E on the shoulders of one of them, but he tosses the other guy into the turnbuckle, and then tags in Kaz. Kaz throws Robbie E out of the ring, then hits a... they call it a Reverse Tombstone Piledriver. It's like a Tombstone Piledriver, but with the guy being piledriven hanging off his back.

WINNAR: Kaz

 

Kaz gets on the turnbuckle to yell at Jay Lethal and such that no one can hear and Lethal's like COME ON I INVITE YA DO WHAT RIC FLAIR COULDN'T.

Backstage somewhere, Sarita wanders into Velvet Sky's locker room or something, then ignores her and shuts the door behind her. COMMERCIALS LATER, she's inside beating the fucking fuck out of Velvet Sky, whipping her with a belt and choking her. Sarita's like WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE and such but then Velvet revarses, and slams her head into walls, and stomps on her all angry and such. She then tries to choke her and they roll around on the floor some before Sarita picks her up again to choke her with the belt. Then she's all like YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME, VELVET, which is a... what? Exactly. Velvet elbows her, then stomps her in the vagina and such, but then she gets Velvet over a desk and whips her back.

The brawling ends up in a hall-type area inside the room and she's all like I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU, VELVET while attempting to strangle her to death, and then putting her boot on Velvet's throat. On a related note, what a guy/girl the cameraperson must be, to be filming all this without trying to stop an ATTEMPTED MURDER. The screen flashes white suddenly, so clearly like eight hours passed when ANGELINA appears to be totally useless and unhelpful.

 

Meanwhile, while attempted murder was taking place, Eric Bischoff is in a meeting with Ric Flair, calling together EVERYONE IN IMMORTAL... because AJ needs to win his shitty nothing title from DUG WILLIAMS. He says that Dixie Carter's lawyers have them checkmated, and they need to get ahold of EVERY title in the company, because like... that's...

Two things: One, I do not think "checkmated" means what you think it means.
Two, claiming you have greater claim to ownership of a business because you hold all its high titles is like claiming you own an arcade because you've got the highest score on all the arcade games.

He say Hulk Hogan is sitting at home now FORCED to watch stuff without doing things in it, and within their grasp, they can control THEIR OWN DESTINY and there's NOBODY IN THIS ROOM that can't live up to the standard that Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan has set, and the standard that Jeff Harvey--HARDY has set. S'lot easier to get busted huge on drug posession than to be the Muhammad Ali of wrestling. Bischoff says we're a TEAM, DAMMIT! We're a TEAM!

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: SEE, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S A PUN OF LITTLE FUCKERS

 

Backstage somewhere, THE BRIAN KENDRICK jibbers sagely to... a waitress or something in a cookie shop! EXTREEEME ACTION! His epicness gets him a free cookie. YOU don't have a free cookie, do you? The Brian does. Therefore, you suck. Compare your lives to Brian Kendrick's and then kill yourselves.

 

 

TNA Knockouts Championship (This label added by me post-match, as it wasn't even announced beforehand)
Tarantula and Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love

 

Apparently Velvet Sky is mostly dead, so it's a HANDICAPABLE MATCH! Madison holds hands with Angelina, but then rushes to tag in Tara, but Angelina fucks her up, and rolls up pin gets 2. Tara tries to come in, but ANgelina turns on her, then turns around to get popped by Madison in the slowed and most obvious "I'MMA GUNNA PUNCH YOOO" I've ever seen that could not be justified by the person getting hit in any way other than "I'm criminally stupid" or "This is scripted". She picks up Angelina and punches her into the ropes, then irish whip is reversed and Angelina pulls her into a front slam and Tarantula pulls her away from the pin and FUCKING MIKE TENAY calls it ILLEGAL INTERFERENCE. If it's illegal, the match would be over by DQ. Fuckass.

Madison tries the exact same stupidpunch but Angelina counters it into a Jawbreaker kind of thing. Pin gets 2. She then pulls Madison into a headlock thing and drives her into a turnbuckle. Madison plays hurt and Tarantula pulls on Angelina's hair, but refereee HURRDURR SON OF A BISCHOFF has none of that shit, and stops her, only for Madison to pull Angelina by the hair and beat on her, then pin gets 2. Madison tries to beat up on her, then puts her boot on Angelina's throat in the corner, and tags in Tarantula so they can both boot her in the throat.

Tara now on Angelina, and she throws Angelina across the ring, then tags in Madison Rayne. WRESTLERS' SALARY MONEY WELL SPENT! Madison throws Angelina into the corner, and tags in Tara so she can stomp on Angelina some, then choke on her while yelling semi-coherently. Then tag back Madison Rayne in. She pulls on Angelina's hair some. Then she pulls Angelina into that prostitute move where she headscissors Angelina, then hipthrusts into the canvas with Angelina's head being like her penis. Pin gets 2.

Irish whip into corner but Angelina gets her boots up to bop Madison away. Madison tosses Angelina's legs away, then plays stupid for the ref while Tarantula bops Angelina with a brace, when OH NOESZ TIS THE WINTER WARRIAH coming down the ramp. Tons of boos for her. Odd. Madison's like WUT, and screams YOU'RE NOT IN THIS MATCH but Winter gets on the apron and... gets tagged in. She boots Madison in the face.

 

WINNAR BY DQ: Madison Rayne and Tara

 

It's what I learned in middle school civics class; being ignorant of the laws does not mean you can break them without punishment. So, being stupid does not make you exempt from the rules, TNA.

So, after the match is over, Winter beats down Tara, then catches Madison Rayne's punch attempt and pulls her into a... ehh.. kind of shitty move, like a Front slam into a Side slam, but kind of dropping Madison onto her feet and kind of shoving her over. She then needlessly pins Madison Rayne and the match is apparently ended, with the losers being announced as winners. WCW! The only company where some random jackass NOT in a match can run in and win it! Oh, and apparently TNA Knockout Championship titles were on the line, for ADDED WCW-STYLE BOTCHAMANIA-FUELING UPFUCKERY! I will unsubscribe from Maffew if he DOESN'T include this in a future Botchamania, it's THAT blazing.

To further emphasize the EPIC WCW WINSAUCE, Tara shouts, with the camera picking it up loudly, "WHO IS THAT?!" mirroring the sentiments of a great many people.

 

 

After commercial, Pope Blackadictus I D'Anglo Dinero is on the phone talking about how things need to go down the w...

 

See, I paused in mid-thought, because a guy in a Reindeer costume scoots up beside him, accompanied by a FAAABULOUSLY dressed Orlando Jordan. I can't help but laugh; call it wrestlecrap if you like, but you're the retard watching it. Or not... watching... and making ME watch it. So who's the retard then? Exactly.

The Reindeer says HEY POPE! It's me, Eric, the champ. We raised some money because we think it's really cool what you're doing for the kids. Orlando Jordan presents him a check for him and his congregation. Pope says that's what he's talking about, this is the season about helping out others, then wonders aloud what the hell is he wearing. He then gets back on the phone like go ahead now, Pope just got some more funds, we got a lot of happy people this Christmas CASH THE FUCKING CHECK NOW, REMEMBER PAUL HEYMAN AND ECW.

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Funny thought... what if this cash-grab thing by the Pope is the start of his heel turn, and it's revealed he's using all the money on hookers and booze and parties for him and his friends? You know that'd be asstacularly great.

 

Moved up the commercial-area thought to better fit with what we just saw, as well as to not interrupt this TOTALLY WICKED AHSUM IRON MAN MATCH... that will last 15 minutes.

 

TNA Something Championship
AJ Styles vs TEH Douglas Williams (C)

 

I don't want to cover this match. AJ Styles is a great wrestler, but who the fuck is DUG Williams? Some random generic brawler with some restholds. Speaking of restholds, the very first thing he does is twist AJ's arm around into a resthold. They twist back and forth with this NWA Florida-style AKSHUN for an average amount of time, because TEH DOUG is average. Painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully, painfully average. Speaking of painfully average, HEADLOCK! TNA! TNA! TNA! AJ shoves him away, and DUG bounces on the ropes a bit, but ultimately catches AJ into... A HEADLOCK! He brings AJ down to the mat in a headlock, and AJ tries to flip DUG off of him, but DUG keeps his generic headlock on AJ.

More headlock action, but then AJ reverses it into a handlock thing, and TEH DOUG squirms and flips to reverse it, and AJ tries to reverse it and does a flip thing, but TEH DOUG breaks the MOLD OF GENERICA by dropping his ass down with like a down-angle clothesline thing, then goes right back to Generica with his headlock. AJ somehow reverses into a leglock on TEH's head. He then breaks free, and they punchies up. Then, ANOTHER HEADLOCK by THE DOUG WILLIAMS. Then an armlock and back wristlock thing. Hammerlock, right. AJ gets up and backs Doug Williams into the corner, then irish whips him into the turnbuckle, but he bounces off and generically kicks AJ in the head. AJ ends up int he corner now and DOUG generically slams into him.

Commercial interruption, and when we're back, AJ is chinlocking Doug Williams. DURING THE BREAK; ACTUAL WRESTLING AND A STYLES CLASH FOLLOWED BY A PINFALL WIN BY AJ STYLES! AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU MISSED THAT AND ARE NOW INTRODUCED TO CHINLOCKS? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!??!?!?!!

Now punches, and AJ irish whip is reversed and Douglias Williams hits a EUROPEAN Uppercut, because if a European doesn't use that move, he gets jobbed out and shitcanned. AJ leaves the ring and meanders about, because he's SMART, unlike SOME people we know. For some reason, Earl Hebner not only STOPS Doug from leaving the ring, but BACKS HIM OVER TO THE COMPLETE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING! Doug Williams edges closer, and AJ pulls him out and shoves him against the steel steps, then he casually wanders into the ring.

Douglass Williams gets back into the ring and AJ stomps on him some. Then he stomps on him some. Then he holds up TEH DOUGLAS and kicks him in the chest with his shin. He then gets him up to snapmare and kick him in the back. Then he drops to pin gets 2. AJ gets up first and picks TEH up but TEH grabs his leg, only to get clubbed in the back. Want to hear the best news? ONLY FOUR MINUTES LEFT IN THIS IRON MAN MATCH! Let's run down what we've seen thus far: Rest holds, irish whips, punching and stomping and generic brawling, and a COMMERCIAL BREAK where we were later shown a STYLES CLASH that happened DURING the commercial break!

Irish whip by TEH Douglas Williams and AJ slides over his back all fast and flippy, with Mike Tenay saying this MAY get things rolling. STOP SHOOTING, TENAY~!!!!1 Dug drops his ass down, and goes to grab him, but AJ slips out of the ring. This time, Williams ignores Earl Hebner and goes after AJ. AJ slips in and Williams gets onto the apron and sunset flips AJ. AJ holds onto the rope and... Earl Hebner kicks the rope, freeing it from AJ's grasp. Ehh... umm... well, special guest referees don't get pyoonished for such douchery, but didn't JACKSON JAMES BISCHOFF or someone else get almost shitcanned for a SUPPOSED miscarriage of reffing in a similar way?

Or maybe Earl Hebner forgot the whole ROPE BREAK idea where when you're in a pin position and you HOLD THE ROPES, you cannot have the ref just SMACK your hand away and LET you be pinned. Didn't even matter as the pin gets 2. Doug then tries another pin thing and pin gets 2. THen some punches on him, irish whip into the corner and AJ flips over him, and punches DUG. He then runs at him in the corner but gets elevated to the apron, tries a springboard thing, but THE DOUGLAS catches him in an ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVE! an Exploder Suplex. UNDER TWO MINUTES LEFT HURRDURR.

Styles gets up only to be clotheslined a bunch of times by DUG. ONE MINUTE REMAINS and AJ on the corner, Douglas Williams smacks AJ, then kicks him, then backs away, then comes back to irish whip him into the other corner. Notably absent is any attempt at a pin or submission of any sort. Williams gets tossed over the ropes out of the ring, but then comes in and hits his ROLLING CHAOS THEORY thing for a pinwin, and nao there's only 10 seconds, hurrdurr. He tries to pin AJ, but AJ is half-buried under the rope.

Because Earl Hebner can apparently do whatever he wants, he tells Jay Bee that he's gonna give the match a FIVE MINUTE OVERTIME. And what better way to completely squander that, WCW style, then 2-3 minutes of commercials?! YAAAAAaa!~!~!

When we return, they fight. Douglas tries to suplex on the top rope but AJ punches him away. He then springboard Super Hero chop things on him and pin gets 2. AJ tries to put a Styles Clash on but DOUG WILLIAMS generically slams him down, and pin gets 2. He pulls AJ up by the head, and puts him in a supledx attempt but Styles blocks it, and rushes out of it. He runs past DUGG, then OMFG PELE OUTTA NOWHEREA~!@~@)I#21842. Pin gets 2. ONE MINUTE REMAINS now as Doug Williams is in the corner with AJ punchies him up. Then he snapmares him off the turnbuckle. AJ gets to the top rope but Dou Williams punches on him, and AJ drops. He then gets on the second rope to club on his back. THIRTY SECONDS REMAIN. He tries to get AJ into a big back drop thing, but AJ holds onto a CHristmas decoration. FIVE SECONDS LEFT and Dug back drops him, but time expired.

 

AJ gets on the microphone and is like DUGLISS, THESE PEOPLE WANT A WINNER! SO ONE MORE TIME, ONE MORE TIME UGH! YOU AND ME... GENESIS. HUH? WHATDDOYOU SAY? I say, GREAT JOB FUCKING the audience out of their match. TEH says he's sorry, but AJ didn't beat him, so no. AJ says WHAT KINDA FIGHTING CHAMPION ARE YOU! I DEFENDED MY TITLE AGAINST EVERYONE and such. He then supposes as to whether Williams is indeed physiologically male. This apparently affects the insecure Douglas Williams, who then quakes and bows down and surrenders to AJ. He says he will give him his match at Genesis, which is pretty much exactly what AJ wanted and exactly what Doug said no to, so he's a loser who succumbs to AJ.

DUgg says he loses his title if he loses the match at Sega Genesis, but what about AJ Styles? What would he lose if he lost? Because, see, it can't possibly be a championship match unless there's an extra stipulation for added stupidity! TEH makes a suggestion, saying that if AJ loses, he walks away from FOURTUNE forever. Fucking idiot; if that happened, he'd just stay a part of IMMORTAL anyway, you stupid shit. Jeff Jarrett ain't in FOURTUNE, but he's in IMMORTAL. Stupid shit.

 

Eric Bischoff, because AJ isn't an ex-WWE or ex-WCW guy, says that this stipulation is good, because there ain't no spots in Immortal for loosers. Since Bischoff isn't as stupid as Doug Williams, he says that if AJ loses, he will be out of Fourtune AND Immortal. Hooray for sanity from... ERIC FUCKING BISCHOFF!

 

Backstage, Abyss and Hardy and Roode and Storm and such are all talking testosteroney and Hardy says to RVD in "Twilight"-level acting "you want me come and get me" without any punctuation or capitalization because it was wholly emotionless. Also tonight, MISTER ANDERSON ON THE PHONE FROM GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN! We go to commercials with Fucking Mike Tenay going "Wisconsin???" Yes, fuckwit, there is a city called Green Bay in Wisconsin. There's also a small town nearby also called Green Bay.

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Jesus is the reason for the season and he needs some pleasin'

 

As we are told live via satellite, we're apparently NOT going to listen to Anderson Anderson on the phone, but LIVE VIA VIDEO SATELLITE THING. He says he is now cleared for wrestling and he gonna return at Book of Genesis. He says they did a lot of tests, MRI, said he was fine, and saw no nothing that would raise alarm. Motherfucker is shifty. I bet he's lying. Kayfabe-wise, of course, you nigra. He then gets shithead-y all about how it doesn't say in his contract that he has to answer to The Taz or Mike Tenay and such. SHITHEEEEEEEEEEEAD. YOU'RE A SHITHEAD. FUCK YOU, SHITHEAD. The Taz is like brah, I'm just trying ta, we're just triyng to get to the bottom of this, and asks if he gets headaches or lightheaded. Anderson ANderson says he don't get headaches and he's fine and such.

Tenay then asks if he'll bring the proper paperwork to iMPACT last week. Anderson Anderson rips his microphone off and leaves. Well, in my view, Tenay was just being a shithead there. Bringing a fuckign doctor's note. Fuck Mike Tenay.

 

Backstage, Rob Van Dam and the Murder City Machine Guns are all jabbering at each other and Morgan's like yuh we gunna go. Then, VIDEO PACKAGE thing showing Matt Morgan saying who he is and he will be the next TNA World champion. Then, Ken Anderson doing the same thing, plus adding some words there. Sounds a bit buzzed thar. A little wasted. Shithead.

MUSIC VIDEO PACKAGE THING for the whole Anderson and Morgan and Harvey--HARDY thing going on.

 

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Are you willing to suck Jesus off for total salvation? You are? That's nice, but according to Jesus, you will have total salvation anyway, because God loves you, not because of what you do, but because of who God is.

 

 

Abyss, Jeff Hardy, and Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns, Rob Van "Tam" (Fucking JB), and Matt Morgan

 

 

Apparently I jumped the commercial break early. Or else I'm stupid somehow. In the ring, Rob Van Dam gets irish whipped by James Storm, butkicks him down, then irish whips Storm in turn and kicks him down. Rob Van then tags in Matt Morgan, who picks up Storm and smacks him down. THen he picks him up for a slam but Storm slips out, then Codebreakers him. Robert Roode brought in and they double irish whip, but Morgan nosells their attempted doubleclothesline thing by busting through their arms, then clotheslining both of them. He gets Roode into a corner to do his faggy elbow thing on him. He then tries to run at Roode but Roode kicks him. Roode then tries to jump off the top rope but Morgan catches him and does a Fallaway Slam.

Chris Sabin gets tagged in now and he punches and kicks Roode, then runs at him, grabs him from behind, gets pushed to the rope when Roode reverses, and tags in Alex Shelley for double team shenanigans. Pin gets 2. Alex Shelley kicks Roode, but ROode bops him into a corner, and Shelley tries to do a turnbuckle thing but Storm slips his legs oput, and gets tagged in, I guess, to do a neckbreaker on Shelley off of the second rope thing and then beats on him some before tagging in Abyss.

Hey, remember when Abyss was actually part of storylines and such and supposedly wanted the TNA World championship from Rob Van Dam? YOU DO!? Well fuck you, then. Abyss does his usual stuff, including his retard-run at Alex Shelley in the corner. Now Jeff Hardy tagged in. Rob Van Dam, being stupid and high, tries to get int he ring, and argues with the ref while Jeff Hardy, being stupid and high, does not exploit this to killshit Sabin. Thankfully, RVD's drug of choice renders him slower and more stupid than amphetamines, so Hardy taunts Rob Van, Rob Van freaks on the ref, and all the heels stomp on Shelley.

Abyss now tagged in and clubs on Alex Shelley. He pulls him away from tagging out, and Abyss stands over Shelley as he tries to raise himself up, and punches up on Abyss. Abyss... jumps each time he gets punched. Like... not jumping high, but just jumps... YEAH JUMpING! Roode gets tagged in and he beats on Shelley and pin gets 2. Then James Storm tagged in and they double suplkex Shelley, and Beer Money taunt for big momentum boost. Storm tries to use his momentum for a siganature move thing, but Alex slips out of his Crucifix position and kicks Storm in the head.

Jeff Hardy runs in to pull Shelley back, having apparently tagged in, then chinlocks on Shelley. Shelley tap tap taps out, but the referee ignores this. Still with the hold on, Shelley grasps and stuff and squirms and wriggles. He eventually gets up, and Hardy elbows him back down, and tries a Twist of HATE (HURRDURR PUN) but Alex slides out. Rob Van Dam is tagged in and Robert Roode gets tagged in. Rob Van shoves Storm and Abyss off the apron and kicks Roode down from the turnbuckle as Hardy flees. Rob Van does a Rolling Thunder on Robert Roode and pin gets 2.

James Storm irish whips Rob Van, but Rob Van tags in Chris Sabin and moves aside. Storm DVD's Chris Sabin, and Alex Shelley comes in to do stuff, and now the whole tag team rules bullshit that allowed an outside intervener to not only win a match she was not a part of, but to WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE is thrown out, and they just all fight and such. Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy brawl some, too. Robert Roode tries some kind of suicide dive thing, but Shelley gets on the apron and bops him mid-progress, causing him to flail out and fall to the ring all cool-like. Shelley rolsl over his back into the ring, but gets slammed down by Roode. ROode then gets Ternader DDT'd by Chris Sabin and pinned. No one tagged anyone else for the last several minutes of this match.

 

WINNAR: Rob Van Dam, Matt Morgan, Motor City Machine Guns

 

Rob Van Dam runs after Hardy, while we get video replay stuff of what just happened.

 

TNA YAY: I FUCKING LOVED WCW IN 1999-2001! THANK YOU, TNA, FOR DOING YOUR DAMNDEST TO REPLICATE IT!

TNA BOO: Iron Man Match sucked a dick and a half, and didn't even have an ending. Why even bother having matches every week if you rarely have clear-cut winners? HOORAY FOR PHASING OUT THE WRESTLING IN TNA WRESTLING!

TNA WTF: TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship belts will now have a 24/7 rule defense, like the WWF Hardcore title. Universal Studios, here I come.

 

Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).