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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(12/17/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

 

 

MOAR Hulk Hogan things, this time with Woody Harrelson from Zombieland doing something with Mick Foley. They shake hands, and suddenly they've returned to the whole "AJ Styles got attacked by a bald tattooed guy with a long beard" thing that they seemingly completely ignored several weeks ago, then had Tomko arbitrarily return all "Hey there. G'bye"

Also, Kevin Nash stuff. And Desmond Fail failing.

"Judgement Day for Double J" is the episode name. No, that's not a classic VINTAGE TNA MISPELLING, because Judgment CAN be spelled that way, likely to accomodate retards.

Earlier today, Jay Bee was following Mick Foley all like "You gotta rethink this" and "Hulk is not gonna like this at all" and then "Kevin is not gonna like this". Considering what he does next is just jump at Kevin Nash at a commentator's table and beat the shit out of him, I fail to see how Kevin could possibly feel any sort of liking towards this. To add to the hilarity factor, Foley trips over a chair and just fucking dives on his ass and back in falling. Also, Sheik Abdul Jabbar and the Wprld Leet come by to beat up on Foley after Foley knocks Nash into the steel chairs. All this is taking place in the ringside area EARLIAR TODAY!

Security now arrives and people all touch and hug each other. My hypothesis: Kevin Nash set up a meeting with Mick Foley and a midget dressed as Hulk Hogan. How can it possibly be anything else?

We also get a recap of Woody Harrelson meeting with Mick Foley from last week. Wrestling? Who needs that shit?

Also, by "recap", I mean they air the entire thing of Foley talking with Jarrett, minus the commercials and all that "wrestling" shit in between them. Wrestling? That shit just gets in the way! This is Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, dammit! You can't fight here, this is the War room!

Also, BACKSTAGE now where newly blonde Roxxi Laveaux returns FULL TEIM and intarviewed with Lauren. She's been doing lots of fitness competitions to get to the top of the wrestling game. She's also been sucking cocks, drinking sperm, and having sex with men and women alike. Or... well, not really. She's all like "I RESPECT ODB AND WE ALL LOOK UP TO HER" and stuff. I'd rather she DID have sex with people to get back to TNA.

Wrestling? What's that? Kurt Angle intarveiwed with Jay Bee because Mr Mangled feels great and wants TNA to throw things at him. He says he hasn't lost since September in a four way match. He says his job isn't done until he regains the title. And then what? He retires? Leaves? Throws a party for Mick Foley? I presume he will take a trip to Rio, get lost in a plane crash, BREAK HIS FREAKIN' NECK, wrestle a bear, and ride that fucking bear all the way to Rio to resume his vacation!

Also, when Jay Bee mentions Jay Jarrett, he just turns his back on him like a wuss. A WUSS WITH A BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK!

Speaking of wrestling, here's some recaps of what used to happen: Wrestling! Tarantula video package of her wanting to be a Knorkout Chumpion and such. Of all the Face vs Face or Heel vs Heel competition storyline things I hate most, the one I hate most is the whole "I love and respect you, so I wanna beat you for your title", it was the shit with Batista and Undertaker from 2007 or so.

Roxxi Laveaux vs ODB w/ no real reason for this match except for inevitable Tarantula interference

ODB kicks Laveaux in the balls, then starts smashing on her and such, then punching her on the turnbuckles. Irish whip from one to another, then running tit slam fails as she moves aside. Roxi tries a Scoop Slam, but turns it into a Fallaway Slam thing which looked great. She then bounces on the ropes and boots ODB in the face. Laveaux irish whips, runs at ODB and gets her inner thigh scraped against the ropes as ODB moves. ODB then drags her onto the ground with a slam by the hair.

ODB picks her up, shoves her on the turnbuckle, and starts pounding on her, then goes for a tit slam and it connects. Roxxi falls, and ODB goes for a Carpet Muncher Bronco Buster, then tries to pin but Laveaux kicks out. UH OH, TENAY SAID "NO SELL" SOMEWHERE BUT I WASN'T LISTENING TO WHAT.

BIIIIIG HUG by ODB on Roxxi Laveaux, then ODB slams her on the turnbuckle. Then she runs at her, but Laveaux moves and ODB slams her crotch on the ropes. Roxxi slams her face on the turnbuckle, then HULKS UP and starts doing HULK HOGAN PUNCHES on her. Then in her version of a big boot, she dropkicks her, then does a Voodoo Dorp, but it doesn't get a three count, because she's no Hoodoo priestess anymore.

ODB schoolboys her for a twocount. Now ODB gets her up in a DVD position, but Blu Ray is a-coming, so Roxxi slips out, tries a roll-up bridge pin thing but it fails. ODB gets her flash of alcohol, and doesn't even bother hiding it as the referee stops her, only for Roxxith to slip beneath her and sit on her face for a pinfall.

WINNAR: Roxxi Laveaux

ODB decides to hit her with the flask anyway, because that's how you be awesome. She then sits on Roxxi and there's tons of sexually suggestiveness here. As expected, Tarantula runs out, to do absolutely nothing as ODB runs out, then makes fun of Tara's black eye.

UP NEXT! Video of Mick Foley driving along in Los Angeles going to speak to TERRY BOLLEA!

Random Commercial-area Feedback: Last week's Septuple R was SO AWESOME that I actually got a feedback! Said jerkwad "Adam" says: "I'm very disappointed with your TNA impact rant this week." Etcetera, blah blah, "I suck dick" etcetera... "You didn't make a reference to tazz saying "wow nash is great at booking matches, it's like he's done it before" or something along those lines. I came straight to the rant after seeing that, and got nothing"

Okay, here comes my response to that: FUCK you, little boy with your FUCKING shooty references and dropping of the stuff! You can't do my job because you SUCK and you can't tell your SHIT from your BALLS because your pussy melts under the heat of the pressure of the sheer AWESOMENESS OF TNA AND ITS TOTAL PERFECTION OF EVERYTHING WRESTLING! What are you, gay for Kevin Nash? Go jerk off on a picture of Kevin Nash and post the results on that 4chan thread where you cum on pictures of people, you useless lonely fuck!

When we've returned, Mick Foley in Los Angeles again, and they arrive at some house place or something. When they return, Mick Foley is in a gym lifting weights, when LOU FERRIGNO comes... ohhh shit...

Kevin Nash set up a meeting with "The Hulk"....

AAAAAHAHAHAH I see what you did there, Nash! Oh you're silly. You're silly.

Mick Foley is in disbelief, and going a bit crazy, as he realizes that he had a meeting set up with "The Hulk" Lou Ferrigno. Ferrigno says please don't be angry, Foley, for Lou thinks he wouldn't like Foley when Foley is angry. Foley leaves, angry, saying he's not angry at Lou, and sorry to waste his time, but he's gonna unload on Nashley.

Because we are goldfish, we are given a repeat of Foley beating off Nash from earlier as the result of meeting Lou Ferrigno.

Backstage, Jay Bee is outside a room. Kevin Nash suddenly bursts out, shoves Jay Bee, and gets on the microphone to do some ACTING! He screams on it and such, and exerts more promo charisma than he's done in some years. He basically says Foley will be unemployed on January 4th.

After a commercial break, Jay Bee is in Foley's office, and Foley says he is circling the wagons as they speak, apparently seeking to bring Jeff Jarrett in as an ally against Kebong Nashley. Chris Parks randomly comes in with a torn up pants. He's all angry, saying Foley seemed to forget he's their ally. And that he forgot this Sunday they have a match together against Doctor and Raven. Considering this is the first I've heard of it, I wouldn't be surprised if Foley DID forget.

Mick Foley did not forget Chris Parks, and did not forget what they did to his eye, or what they did to Chris Parks' leg. HE PLEDGES HE WILL BY BY PARKS' SIDE. Chris Parks won't stop hyperventilating as he says he's got Mick Foley's back and such. Mick Foley says he's a sociopath. You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.

While Mick Foley and Chris Parks bluh bluh dee bluh, Lauren is interviewing Team Morganite, which consists of Matt Morgan (who?), Hernandez, Suicide, and His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus I. Morganite has to be in the ring 5 minutes alone before the others can join. Or Hernandez. I forgot. It wasn't clarified. Morganite says he trusts in Hernandez to survive 5 minutes alone in the ring and such. He sexisms it up by saying there's a lumberjack match tonight, and he has his lumberjacks here, and tells Team 3D and such to get their little lumberjills. The Pope then throws his fake money in the air and says something about seeing into the future.

Brother Ray Deadly vs THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Morgan

They all come out with their allies as lumberjacks and lumberjills. The two lock up in the ring, Bruther Deadly takes the advantage with beating on him and such. Then slams his face in the turnbuckle, and lots of slow attacks. He tries to run, but Morganite runs at him and shoulderblocks, then picks him up and headbutts his back of the head. Then he does his slip n slide thing and ends up out of the ring, with the jacks and jills facing off.

Morganite tries to slam Bruther in the corner, but he resists, only to be thrown there anyway, and he does his bare elbow slammy thing. Deadly runs at him, and Morganite side slams him. This match is moving way too fast for its slow pace. Blue print fails a boot and gets it slung on the ropes. Bruther Ray catches him in a back drop. He then throws Morgan otu of the ring, so the lumberjills can beat on him, only for the lumberjacks to scare them off. They run around, so the jills can go back to beating on them. lol stupid.

Bruther Ray reaches out of the ring and shoves the Pope's face. Morganite is put back in the ring, given a hangman neckbreaker, and pinfailed. Bruther Ray mocks Morganite and smacks his head. Now he's stood up and Ray punches him, but Morgan DNA'S UP! He then blocks Deadly's punch, Hogan style, and punches on him, then Discus Clotheslines. Then he sandwiches him in the corner. After eating said sandwich, ham, cheese, and scrambled eggs, Morgan picks him up for a scoop slam and a pinfail.

Deadly stupidly rolls out of the ring right in the lumberjacks' corner so they can beat on him and throw him back in. Bruther Ray now punching up on Morgan, only to get caught in a chokeslam by Morganate. The Lumberjills run in and pull Morgan out of the ring as they distract the referee too. And now they all start killshitting each other, while the competitors somehow return to the ring. Morgan tries to go for his Jackhammer thingy, but Bruther Devon distracts the referee and JESSE FAIL punts Morgan's cunt, and Bruther Ray DDT's for a winfall.

WINNAR: Brother Ray Deadly

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why God never received a PhD 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. 17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Since that was just a whole bunch of wrestling at once, we get a video package of Jeff Jarrett. I wonder just how pathetic it is that TNA's old footage is permanently watermarked with the "www.nwatna.com" watermark. Also, out of context, it really looks odd that when the voiceover says "personal tragedy", it shows a picture of Jarrett, his wife, and his children, all looking at the camera and smiling with balloons around them.

Speaking of tragedy, here is Woody Harrelson arriving in a white car, with Mick Foley waiting for him. A whole bunch of people in the backstage area just stare at him as he walks down the hall, including Jesse Fail who inexplicably ends up back there with some people who aren't Team 3Dicles or anything.

Since that was just a WHOLE BUNCH of "wrestling" at once, we get moar commercials.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

BACLSTKTOGFE WITH BAER MONEY AND LAUREN, with talk of Feast or Fired thingy. This Sunday at Final Reconstitution, it's Beer Money putting on the line what they have worked HARD FOR IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, wit hthem working for the tag team championshits again. Samoan Yusuf arbitrarily runs in, because he has nothing else to do.

Samoano says nobody wants to give him another title shot, and unlike them two, he deserves one. The whatever suddenly come, and Eric Young is all like "Beer Money, I know you're upset" etcetera, and there will be new entrants in the Feast or Fired match: Kiyoshi, Sheik Abdul Dr. Julian Bashir, Eric Hungus, Homicide, Big Roid Terry, etcetera.

The Horrible People vs Hamada and Amazing Kong vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde

The Taz wonders about his mental issues as he says he was wondering about the consistancy of the "mud" last week, which was quite watery, rather than gaping at the three women wrestling in it. STOP SHOOTING TAZ! Taylor Wilde and Amazing Kung start off with a dropkick and jumping and pounding on Kung, lots of punching, and Kong tags in Hamada while Wilde tags in Sarita. Hamada monkeyflips her, but Sarita remains standing, then runs and does a spinny hurricanrana thing. Hamada blocks an irish whip and enzuigiri's her.

Velvet Sky tags herself in and kicks on Hamada, then DDT's her, and pinfails after mocking Taylor Wilde. Madison Rayne is tagged in and they double team Hamada with double stuff and a dropkick, then they attack Taylor Wilde and Sarita, and Kong hilariously just stands there staring into the ring. Velvet Sky somehow ends up outside to be beaten up by Wilde and Ita, so that Hamada can moonsault on them. Kong tries to powerbomb Rayne, but she slips out, so Kong just sits on her. IMPLANT BUSTER! She wins by sitting on her for three seconds.

WINNAR: Awesome Kong and Hamada

That match was indeed as short as the two paragraphs made it to be.

The Horrible People are to be interviewed by Lauren, but she says "Why don't you find a backseat to crawl into, skank?" She then smacks Lacey, then runs off, showing off sideboob.

Backstage, Jarrett is in Foley's office, yelling and complaining, while Foley is all like "Deep down you know you want to be here" etcetera. He keeps yelling, talking about how he founded the place and how he sat home at five months. They keep throwing around a noodle incident of Jarrett somehow doing "something" that ends up sending him home for five months. Only Vince Russo could think this sort of shit would work, thinking everyone is a smark.

Foley needs Jarrett and says people respect him and he needs to talk to Dixie Carter. He needs to think about his future and everybody's future, and that involves talking face to face with Dixie. It's the right thing to do, and he's the right thing to do it.

After a commercial, I realize my shoes are dusty again. This sucks. They always get dusty in this house and I don't know why or from where.

Christy Hemme is here with Jay Lethal, who has a broom to sweep up his competition tonight! He will face someone today.

Jay Lethal vs Tatanka

Jay Lethal skitters about a lot because he's small and black, see? Tatanker (as The Taz says) pushes on Lethal in a lock-up, but Lethal takes control, punching and elbowing. Irish whip is reversed, and Tatanker clotheslines him, then drops a jumping elbow. Then a leg dorp. Then another leg dorp. Nka chops Lethal on thet urnbuckle, then does it again, then whips him to the other turnbuckle, then picks up Lethal for a suplex, and a pinfail.

Lethal then gets on him and rakes his face, then sends him into the turnbuckle where he stumbles drunkenly back and keels over. HEY QUICK! What do you call an empty beer can on the side of the road? An Indian artifact! And what do you call a half-empty beer can on the side of the road? A RARE Indian artifact! Aaaah... Lethal came down and dropped a tomohawk off the top rope onto Tatanka. He slams Tatanka's face on the turnbuckle, but he WHISKEY'S UP and nosells his shit and Hogan punches up on him. Then he irish whips, back body drops, and chops him up a bit with his tomohawk-like chops.

Tatanka now getting on the top rope, to fly like his great uncle "Flies Like Eagle", who flew so high, he hit the sky, and then he burned up and had to die. He just sort of Tomohawk's Lethal and pinfails him. Red man is shocked that he did not win over brown man. He tried an Indian Death Drop but Lethal now on the top rope to jump like a monkey, but Tatanka hits him in the guts, then gets him in an Indian Death Drop and pinfalls.

WINNAR: Red Man

Fake post-match intarview with Captain Halo interviewing Tatanka:

Captain Halo: Well Tatanka, you've just arrived in TNA and made some kind of an iMPACT! by beating the guy who pretends to be Macho M--

Tatanka: YEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYYEEEH YEEW YEW YEW YEW YEW YEW YEW YEW!

Captain Halo: --an Randy Savage. Excuse me, but I'm trying to interview you.

Tatanka: HI-a-wa-tha, HI-a-wa-tha, HI-a-wa-tha, HI-a-wa-tha

Captain Halo: Not what... I mean.... you're an Injun, sure, but I'M TRYING TO INTERVIEW YOU, GODDAMMIT! THIS IS MY FUCKING RANT SHOW! CONSIDER ME FUCKING WILLY FUCKING WONKA, AND THIS IS -MY- CHOCOLATE FACTORY! Get the fuck out, you feather-headed piece of shit!

Christy Hemme now backstage with the Murder gun peoples. Christoph Satan is all like they've accomplished stuff all around the world and no one seems to notice or care. Maybe they don't suck up to the right people and stuff. They say they won't change for anybody, and Alex Shelley is proud they've had to fight and claw for everything, so Final Revolution, the other guys will be out-classed, out-matched, out-wrestled, out-gunned... BILLY GUNN'd.

Also backstage now comes more Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley thing. ONE ON ONE JEFF TO DIXIE! Either this will be a horribly embarassing match or a horribly awesome sex tape. Book it, Guccione!

They do a The Rundown (starring The Rock) of the Final Recompenstitution this Sunday. If you care about wrestling, watch! Also, they're playing the same Otep song I ranted about a few weeks ago.

Now we are backstage again where one noticeably labeled as Jeff Jarrett is walking about and knocks upon an office containing a female noticeably labeled as Dixith Carter, and her voice apparently sounds microphoned as it is heard with great stereo clarity outside of the office. The same goes for Jeff Jarrett. He wishes to consume air within her office and converse about subjects of a personal matter involving one Jeff Jarrett returning to a paying employment within the company he had founded and put into a position of ownership.

Dixie Carter puts forth stern words of stern reprimand in which it finally does now come out and say in truth and in full of Jeff Jarrett's co-miseration and co-mingling with the one Karen Smedley formerly one of Angle, wife and married partner of Kurt Angle and his children. Jeff Jarrett has tones of hope for reconciliation and apologization, whereas the one Dixie Carter seeks solely for Jarrett to posess himself within the company of one Kurt Angle in order to seek reconciliatory good will and humors with Kurt Angle.

Then it exits and we get a video package of that fucking shitsink of cunt oil that is the video package for that mixing of Desmond Fail and AJ Styles and all this shit going weirdy-beardy connected for no reason. What the fuck why. In order to maintain status quo, I give you this:

But buck up, meatloafs, here be matches!

Christopher Daniels vs Archbishop Desmond Wolfe

So hey, this is a match here in which wrestling for to happens. Desmond Fail, being a boring little shit, goes solely for a full nelson, then a sloppy headlock. He breaks up an attempted arm wrench to do just that. Then again. He's like a schoolyard bully who smacks the shit out of your face and no matter what you do in retaliation, he just keeps smacking the same place always, and it wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that it's in the same place each time.

By the way, all that happened in the time I wrote that was HEADLOCKSZ by Fail. Arm drag then by Daniels, and Fail does some FailTaunts. Now they lock up AND HE DOES THE SAME FUCKING HEADLOCK AGAIN SON OF A BITCH! Daniels bends his knee forcibly, then gets him in a proper side headlock. But since he's not a failure, Desmoy gets to move about, but Christopher keeps him on, but then Desmoy tries to reverse, but Daniels mocks him by doing the exact same thing again with the headlock. Desmoy finally trips him up and tosses him down, but DANIELS GETS BACK ON HIM FOR A HEADLOCK.

Finally Fail shoves him off BUT DANIELS GETS RIGHT BACK ON IT, and this time takes him down, pinfails, then keeps on him. See, THIS is a fun headlock, not like that Randy Orton or Desmond Wolfe shit. Speaking of shit, it's starting to turn to shit. But that's okay! We're properly biased against the new guy. Or maybe because he's British. Fucking British, why can't you fuckers speak God's language properly? Right-o then, chaps, chim chim cheroo? You get your ass shot up where I live.

Daniels knocks his ass down, and Wolfe turns to a camera with a hilariously stupid expression of "I'm angry with rage!" He gets up and gets Christoph in a wristlock, but then Christopher reverses it. Fail tries to flip out of it, but since he's a failure, Daniels catches his legs and keeps him down in a near pinfall, but it didn't fall.

Now the two of them press bald heads together, and Desmond Fail gives a hoity toity British bitchslap, prompting Christopher to do the same thing. Desmoy tries to do a running attack, but Daniels dropkicks him, or a "jumping leg lariat" as The Taz says. Maybe he's right. DEAN MALENKO NAME DROP! Christopher Daniels backbreakers Wolfe, then runs and STO's him, and pinfail.

Christopher does an Arabian Moonsault and NOOOO NO NO FUCKING MIKE TENAY IT'S NOT A SPLITLEGGED MOONSAULT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T SPLIT HIS LEGS. Daniels open hand palm strikes Fail on the top rope, but Fail gets off, and trips him up with a flying hammerlock takedown thing complete with leg sweep. Desmond Fail now with a european uppercut on Daniels on the turnbuckle, then runs at him for a kick thing. Pinfail.

Christopher irish whipped, but since Fail is a failure, he catches him up, strikes him and Enzuigiri him. Now time for a Pedig--- but it's blocked. He rolls around Daniels with a shitty leg-locked wristlock, which Daniels easily slips out of, so Fail decides to stop being a failure and flips him around for a kinky-looking submission hold that would genuinely hurt. He then adds a Crippler Crossface. Christopher just bites him and rolls out, then puts Fail in another submission hold, which is rolled back into a failed pin.

Now they're up, Christopher tries to do something, but Fail reverses it. Some stuff, then Fail and Daniel on the turnbuckle, Fail kicks him, then puts him on the top of the turnbuckle, tries for his shitty finisher, but Christopher Daniels jumps out. Desmond Fail runs at him instead, but Daniels slippery-doos out of it, but Fail just drops on him for a pinfail. Now they do that thin with back and forth pinfails. Christopher tries to backslide but they reverse, Desmond Fail rolls him up, they roll around, and the pinfall ring bell rings.

WINNAR: None

See, ten minute time limit expired. And they're all angry-doo and stuff. Instead of resolving anything in some highly dramatic way, they go to commercial.

AND WHEN WE COME OUT WITH COMMERCIAL, we are backstage with Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley, where they are going into someone's room. And Thar be Kurt Angle with Jeff Jarrett looking all sadface and Angle all MOVIE TIEM DRAMATIC standing and dressing in his wrestling gear with his back to him like "I heard you were coming", and Jarrett is all like "Ahm sorrey" for his stuff, but Kurt freezes up with his back to him, then gets back to stuff.

Angle then turns around to face him, and is all staring at him and like "Yeah I heard what you said................ ..................... ...................... ................... have a match." and leaves.

And speaking of matches, apparently this be the finishar:

Scott Steiner, Raven, Doctor Stevie, The British people vs AJ Styles, Bobby Lashley, Chris Parks, Tomko (?!), and Kurt Angle

Chris Parks starts by killshitting Raven and Doctor and everyone all staying away while Raven like... bites Raven's burned leg. Chris Parks punchies on Doctor and Ravie and such, then chases after them, out of the ring area. Meanwhile in the ring, Scottle and Bobble fight on the outside, Steiner beating on the black people, smashing him up and such, until Lahsy takes some control. UPPIN THE INTENSITY! And we get commercials to interrupt.

Now we return to commercial where the bell finally rings to start the match. Kurt Mangled starts off against Brutal Mangey-ass, who takes the advantage with pounching, until Kurtle German Suplexes him, and tags in Tyson Tomko and AJ is all like "OMFG WUT?!" while Tomko knocks one of the British people in the chest so hard. Kurt Angle is tagged in, apparently accidentally, and AJ is all sadface and pants-bitching. Kurt Angle beats up on TEH DOUG, and gets shoulderblocked by him. Tag in to the Roman guy, they double team, fag-pose, and shake-hands. Pinfail gets only a one because they're British.

TEH DOUG snapmares, then chinlocks Kurtle. Now down on him when OMFG we get camera backstage where Scott and Bobby are fighting each other in the backstage outside area. AND IN ANOTHER AREA Raven and Doctor and Chris are beating on each other, Face vs Heels, etcetera. Back to Bobby punching on Scott, only for Scott to choke him.

And through all this time, Kurt and TEH DOUG have not moved at all. After some quick flips to them, back to the ring where TEH DOUG dominates on Kurt until Kurt gets a belly to belly suplex on him, and Big Roid Terry yanks Tomko off the apron, forcing AJ to be tagged in by Kurt, and he beats up the rest of the British. GOOD GOING, RETARD TERRY! Styles Clash attempt fails as TEH DOUG sort of taps his thigh. Brutus tries to do something but Tomko shoves TEH DOUG out of the ring so AJ can roll up Brutal for a shithead victory.

WINNAR: AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Tomko (?!), Chris Parks, Bobby Lashley

Kurt Angle confronts AJ all serious time, and AJ snatches his chumpionshit belt from his hands all like "MEIN!" and Kurtle is all like "I'm a douche" and they start shoving, then fight breaks out, and Christopher and Desmond Fail come out to beat on their respective rivals. Christopher is all like "It's my turn!" while he poses with the belt, and Fail has an orgasm on Kurt Angle's arm as he wrenches it back in a submission hold. The bald guys then shake hands for some reason.

WINNAR: Christopher Daniels

So hey... umm... I give this episode a 12 out of 27.2. It was the sort of thing that was more boring than not, and had a few things that weren't. But mostly it was boring. In fact, I'mma change that score to 17 out of 52. Boring, negrones.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).