If only TNA could be cancelled for so much
mediocrity, I could declare easy victory and go home,
just like with Iraq. Instead, moar writing and moar
stupidity. Stupid stupid stupid.
SPeaking of stupid, intro video music video thing. It's literally painful to watch. Or maybe I'm just stupid and my eyes are weak. But it hurts.
As we get to the real show, Anderson Anderson is backstage somewhere. For no reason, he stops, and kicks something over. Matt Morgan randomly comes in to be an ass and jerk him around because apparently his doctor hasn't cleared him or whatever. He says it's gonna happen, the tag match, anyway.
And that tag match is apparently happening now. Morganite and Anderson are tagging tonight, so Mike Tenay incoherently shouts IMMORTAL STRIKES AGAIN with Morgan and Anderson tagging. The Taz then says Immortal is ahead of the game. BITCH, IMMORTAL -IS- THE GAME, IDIOT! They're like the late-90s nWo---they ARE TNA at this point. I can't even name 10 wrestlers on active TNA roster who AREN'T in Immortal. Match doesn't begin as Morgan gets on the microphone to bitch and whine about Anderson Anderson and such. This prompts him to come out, NOT DRESSED TO WRESTLE OH NO.
Once in the ring, he says CHEESE and RICE, and some douchefag in the crowd shouts CHEESE AND RICE HAHA! He smuggly and exasperatedly says he APPRECIATES what Morgan has done for him. The same douchefag says HE APPRECIATES IT! and when Anderson says he's an adult and he can take care of himself, douchefag says SOMETIMES and Anderson says "Yeah, sometimes", but they're wrestlers and they're here at the TNA iMPACT Zone to wrestle, so they gonna wrestle. Or whatever it is Anderson does that constitutes "wrestling"
He continues being derisive like Do you want a note from my mommy or my doctor? Morgan acts like a responsible adult in a tone rather reminiscent of one of my friends, and says he doesn't need to show him a note, what he needs to do is show the fans and trust them and show THEM the doctor's note. He says none of the fans would want to see him in a tag match tonight that would jeopardize the next twenty or thirty years of his life. I would argue myself but I'd have to actually be a fan.
He says WHAT ABOUT HIS COMMITTMENT TO CHRIS NOWINSKI (Who?) AND HIS CONCUSSION FOUNDATION THING!? Morgan then says Eric Bischoff is a pissant promoter who puts them in harms way. STOP SHOOTING, MORGAN~@!~!~~!!! so he should say no to Eric, and Anderson's like I BEEN DOING THAT FOR TWO MONTHS but now his career is on the line or something. Morgan says he feels like this is gonna be a handicap match with him versus KAAZ and STYY, and wonders if Anderson ONE HUNNERD PERCENT has his back.
Speaking of someone who's never at one hundred percent mentally, it's Jeff Harvey---HARDY. He's only painted half his face, and drones lazily like Are you gonna have this match or not? Why don't you propose to Ken and get married at Genesis because you two sound like an old bitch married couple. Clearly Jeff Hardy's never had real friends, then. Morgan and Anderson then retorts like look who's talking you HOGAN'S BITCHBOY and Hot Topic wants their belt back and his makeup is running. I'm tired already! It's only 830PM
Harvey says MAYBE ANDERSON CAN'T TRUST MORGAN MAYBE HE'S STILL WITH IMMORTAL! Then he goes on trash talking Morgan some more, saying he should worry about his own damn self. He then says all you MARKS in the iMPACT Zone you know us professional wrestlers are all CON MEN and this is what it's all about... this is the most important title in professional wrestling... that purple-blue shit thing.
Anyway, TONIGHT an X Division championship match. A "return" match from their PPV thing, which was TWO weeks ago, meaning they didn't give a shit enough to cover this last week or something. Also, SHARK BOY! but they don't mention that at all in the recap.
X Division Championship Match Robbie V (C) vs Jay Lethal
Fucking Mike Tenay is stealing The Taz's deal with going OH when Robbie fistpumps. Bashtard. He says the jury is still out as to whether he's even worthy as X Division championship since winning it back in NOvember. You could say that doesn't say much about Robbie E, but I say that doesn't say much about the company and its attention on the X Division. I honestly don't think there are any "X Division" guys left besides Jay Lethal.
They start with some running around and fast moves when out of nowhere, Christy Hemme runs in to beat up on Snooki and handcuff her. Mike Tenay says THIS HAS BEEN BUILDING UP FOR SEVERAL WEEKS! Seriously, the only reason that even happened is because Retard Snooki went and randomly attacked Christy Hemme backstage for NO REASON AT ALL.
Anyway, commercials, then match, and stuff happening and pin gets 2. Jay Lethal on the ground while the almost-white guy stomps on him and smacks him some. He gets up and he kicks him, then irish whip but Jay Lethal sticks to the ropes and punches and chops on the other guy. Then irish whip but gets reversed, but Jay kicks his face when he bends over, they wrestle some, and he Russian Leg Sweeps him. At ringside, Christy Hemme stopped beating up on her, and just handcuffed herself to her. She then randomly attacks Snooki for no reason, keeling her over with a shot to the guts.
He then gets a chinlock thing on Jay Lethal, while putting on one of his VINTAGE unfuckable faces. Jay gets up only to be tossed back down and chinlocked on by the guy. He then breaks out, to grab hold of Robbie and punch him up some. Then punches, and running clotheslines. Irish whip gets reversed, and he stupidly ducks so Lethal can suplay him. He then catches him in a LETHAL COMBINATION thing which I previously used to call a backbreaker into a Rock Bottom type thing. He then gets to the top rope and does a MACHO MAYIN elbow drop thing. Pin gets 2. VINTAGE unfuckable face by Robbie P.
He gets into the corner and punches Jay down. Pin gets 2 as Earl Hebner catches him with his foot leaning against the rope. The Taz has a laugh that Earl Hebner apparently told Snooki to shut up, but I didn't hear it. Lethal catches Robbie on the top rope to reverse into a superplex. Another VINTAGE UNFUCKABLE face by him. Snooki boots Hemme in the guts, and tries to hand a spray to Robbie D but Hemme snatches it up and sprays her in the eyes, Dr Weird on Rabbot-style. Lethal Injection on Robbie G and Jay Lethal pinwins.
WINNAR + NEW X CHAMPION: Jay Lethal
Lethal dances with Hemme, then kisses her. She freaks out some and leaves, cos she's a niggerhater. Backstage, AJ shits on Robbie T to Eric B, and he asks AJ to define the word IRONY for him. IRONY: IT'S NOT JUST HOW IRON TASTES. I do plan on stealing that Scarless quip as often as possible. As Benjamin Franklin once said, Why should I give my Readers bad lines of my own when good ones of other People's are so plenty? Anyway, Bischoff then says IRONY is the fact that AJ is shitting on Robbie Z when AJ himself lost his title in similarly failtacular fashion to an even bigger nonentity, TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS.
Eric Bischoff finds that REALLY FREAKIN IRONIC! He then says WHEN HE GONNA BE THAT GUY, POUND FOR POUND BESTEST! He says he held the TV title longer than anyone. Considering he was the FIRST TV champion, that's certainly saying something. Like "He was the first Television champion, thus he is longest TV champion by default."
Bischoff needs him to HOLD IT to GET OUT AND GET IT and such. He says if he don't, he can find any jabroni to do a Ric Flair imitation, in fact Jay Lethal does a good one. YAY CONTINUITY! BOO DISCONTINUITY---Ric Flair had a shitfest over that imitation.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 24:03 That's where I left off last night.
Backstage somewhere, invisible cameraman talks to TEH DOUGLAS who thinks it was rather entertaining for him to use AJ's own move against him. Meanwhile, HERE BE MAGNUS! They hug, and then asks him what happened with Chelsea. She's done, he says. HOORAY FOR OFF-SCREEN SHITCANNING! Speaking of failure, where's Desmond Fail? He says he's getting the futball stuff out of his system and should be back soon. MOAR QUESTIONS by the cameraguy, asking how it felt for him to beat AJ Styles and such. He say it was refreshing and such as he enters his trailer or something.
OUT OF NOWHAR AJ Styles comes and beats him up a bunch. AJ beats him up more, then slams him into the door. Then more beating on him. AJ says he's feeling pretty good. SHRILL SQUEAKY VOICES SHRIEK as AJ beats him up. It's Madison Rayne squealing at him, with Tara beside her. They're like GET OUT and such, but they keep beating each other up. Tara throws shoes at them. AJ snatches a fire extinguisher and hits TEH on the back with it, then slams him into a bunch of walls. AJ finally says SHUT UP HOOKER at Madison Rayne who won't stop shrieking for him to get out.
Speaking of hookers, HERE BE Orlando Jordan in a... wow, that is... just wicked AWESOME outfit on him. Like a one-piece sleeveless/short legged tye-dye outfit thing. It's just damn fashionable. At least to me. Might be tacky. I like it. He encounters Eric Young emerging from a random room with The Beautiful People. Eric Young is wearing a championship belt he found in the trash. True story; he said he found it in a garbage can himself. He says he has an IMPORTANT MATCH title defense first ever... for this belt he found in the trash?
Orlando Jordan then asks him if he really likes the whole "hooters" thing with the girls. He wanders into a random room, where TEH BRIAN KENDRICK is sitting in a circle of candles and gives him advice as his SENSEI! He's been expecting Young. His guidance; The reason he's champion is not hard work, hard work is busy work, he's champion because of his belief in his self. He knows he's gonna be champion, so he will be. But he has to keep in mind that one man's treasure is another man's trash. I guess it's an unsubtle reference to that championship belt he found in the trash?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I sure hope I finish this recap by today.
Backstage somewhere in the darkness, Jeff Hardy talks to invisible camera guy, saying there's a lot of bullshit roaming around TNA lately. STOP SHOOTING, JEFF~~!~!!!! He says Anderson Anderson and such should pave their own future in becoming world champion. Then he say they gonna go out and face the guys in a tag team match and have a great time and it's gonna be a breeze. You're supposed to be the ANTICHRIST HEEL, Methy.
Generation Buck vs Eric Young and Orlando Jordan
Correction; that's not the Beautiful People. It's two nameless blondes. Also, apparently that championship belt Eric Young got in the trash is the OLD TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP BELT. I would say nice job being stupid, but storyline-wise that does make sense.
Speaking of trash, Orlando Jordan comes out in orange shorts and a midriff white top, like a Hooters girl! Because it's on him, it's awesome. Eric Young gets on the microphone all like HIS BELT IS ON THE LINE in the most dangerous professional wrestling match ever; the battle royal. By the way, it's a tag team match.
Eric Young shoves Brian Hebner out of the ring. Bell rings and Eric gets in and throws THOSE GUYS out of the ring. He then Inverted Atomic Drops Orlando Jordan and clotheslines him out of the ring.
WINNAR: Eric Young
Generation THOSE GUYS enter in to beat up on Eric Young. Orlando Jordan then comes in to back body drop Jeremy Hardy and then slams down the other guy and pins down the other guy and thrust his crotch in his face. Jeremy Hardy then gets in to stomp on him and leg drop. Eric Young bounces about on the ropes while THOSE GUYS double team Jordan. Jeremy Hardy gets out of the ring to talk at the blonde women, and Max Hardy gets out to yell at him, only for Eric Young to suicide dive on them.
Now Eric Young and the other guy in and irish whip Eric Young and Orlando tags himself in and attacks the other guy, while Eric Young beats up on Jeremy Hardy outside. Orlando Jordan puts some nasty-ass chinlock headlock sleeperhold from the front thing that looks like he could fucking cut his fucking head off with his forearms and the other guy tap tap taps out.
WINNAR: Eric Young and Orlando Jordan
Backstage somewhere, Mickie James randomly appears at Eric Bischoff and she's like she wants to know who her tag team partner is. Bischofff smirks it up and says Miss Tessmacher. Who? I don't even know. Apparently she's not a wrestler, and not much of a secretary either.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I have a headaaaaaaaaaaaaaache
Tara and Madison Rayne vs Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher (Who?)
The Taz enjoys her outfit, which is pretty much sports bra and shorts with elbow and kneepads and glasses and boots. And fake tits. Big fake tits. Fucking fake tits. Where is their appeal? Have you ever seen naked fake tits? With VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS they're... really sick. Disgusting. Ugly. Nasty-looking things. Probably the best fake tits I've ever seen... Lucy Becker. And she already had like DD cups to begin with, and upped them to F cups.
Oh yeah, a match here. I'm getting scared of Mark Madden, reading his columns on WrestleZone and his new segment on Chairshot Reality. I'm scared cos he talks about the divas/knockouts as if their sole purpose is to have sex with the wrestlers, and repeatedly says they never draw a dime. I'm really ascared of that. I used to want to be a wrestler or something. This was the same time I also wanted to be a rock star, a movie star, a porn star, and something else.
On a related note, thank you Sean Carless for making Megan Fox a perpetual 'creature' to me with cretin toe thumbs. Oh hell, I forgot all about this match going on. Mark Madden says they never draw a dime. Do they draw you? Should I cover it? It's hot in this room. It's fucking mid-December and where I live it's in the mid-70s F temperature, which means the air conditioner doesn't come on, there's no breeze near my room's only window, and it gets hot and stuffy to where I can barely breathe. In December. I fucking hate this city.
WINNAR: Someone. I forgot who. Who cares?
Backstage, KAAZ continues to be unfunny and incoherent by talking about the match tonight with the "Greenprint" and Mister Anderson Anderson. Greenprint...
Speaking of shit no one cares about, ROB TERRY! Randomly backstage. KAAZ says he has a huge opportunity tonight, and he's not gonna speak for Flair or Hogan or Bischoff, but they gonna be watching, so like, you know, you need us, etcetera. He tells KAAZ in a goofy tone "Screw you!" Kaz says SCREW ME? You can be made or you can be gone, and if you don't believe me, go ahead and ask Rhino, oh wait he's not here, he's in the unemployment line.
If the only two options are to be "made" or to be fired, why isn't 3/4ths of the TNA roster shitcanned or part of Immortal? WHAT KIND OF WCW IMITATION IS THIS?!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why did I have to learn on fucking TWITTER that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed?
Backstage somewhere, a random black guy arrives for the Pope and gives him some money saying his congregation doth hath donateth it to him. They do a complicated black handshake and then Pope say time to tend the business.
OH SHIT Sabu? Oh...
Brother Ray w/ Genericized Generic Sabu music vs The Amazing Red
Before his opponent can enter, he gets on the microphone saying Yah Devon can call him a bully. Bully Ray. His words. He chose as his opponent the biggest, baddest, toughest guy in the TNA locker room. I didn't even realize the Red guy was still employed. He looks like a tall Jason Acuņa, Weeman. I barely even looked away, and the guy is already climbing up the turnbuckle while Ray looks wicked. He then runs at Red and chops him down with chops. BULLY RAY brought that chop, The Taz says. He then gives a big SLEDGEHAMMERLIKE blow to the back of Amazing Red.
He grabs the fat guy's belt, and he stomps him down. People chant WE WANT DEVON which they've never chanted ever before ever, which goes to show what hypocrites and shitheads they be's. More punches and stomps and elbows and such. He yells at Red all like YOU GONNA GET UP AND FIGHT? and such. He then gets on his knees like LOOK I'M RIGHT HEAH! and Red swings and pops him one. He rears back, then tries to fall on Red, but Red moves, then gets on the turnbuckle and dropkicks Bruther Ray.
Red then runs at Brother Ray, to get booted in the face. Then Buh Buh Bomb, MOAR LIEK BULLY BOMB says The Taz. Pinwins.
WINNAR: Brother Ray Deadly
He then gets a steel chair from the outside and gets in the ring to hold the chair and act like he gonna attack him, but OH NOESZ RANDOM GENERIC MUSIC PLAYS and it's Brother Devon to chase him away. Bruther Ray runs through the crowd, jumping the guardrail, and Devon chases him.
STILL TO COME, ANOTHER DOUBLE J DOUBLE M A CHALLENGE! He say he gonna pony up $100,000 of his OWN money, because they apparently realized they can't afford it on their own and told Jeff to foot that shit himself.
Out in the parking lot, a black man gets in a car and pulls away. That's it. That's what we're shown. That's all. TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!
Big Freak Rob Terry vs Rob Van Dam
I... what? Does this mean Rob is gonna be teh jobsauce now? GREAT INVESTMENT, TNA! HURRDURR! Or something. Because this match clearly doesn't matter a shit, Rob Van Dam gets on the microphone and is like BISCHOFF it don't matter who you put in front of me cos I'm gonna go for the TNA championship etcetera. These two lock up, and Rob shoves Rob away into the corner. They face off again, and Rob Van starts punching on Big Roid and such, when Roid grabs Rob's throat but Rob trips him up, then kicks him in the chest, then dropkicks his legs out from under him, then dropkicks his face, then leg drops him. He then goes for a running thing but Big Roid Terry gets up and grabs him with a GENERIC FRONT SLAM!
He slams into Rob Van Dam's back in the turnbuckle and pin gets 2. He then gets Rob Van in the corner to do the same thing---shoulder thrust. Irish whip into other turnbuckle and Rob Van kicks him away, then springboard kicks him down. He then randomly nosells and spears Rob Van with a spear. COMMERCIALS.
Back from commercials, Rob Van is shoved off the apron by Rob Terry in a GENERIC SHOULDER BLOCK! He then goes outside the ring and picks up Rob Van Dam and GENERICALLY SHOULDER THRUSTS him into the apron. Then he rolls him under the ropes. GENERIC ROLL UNDER THE ROPES! Pin gets 2. He then gets him into a Front Slam position and Ribbreakers him. Pin gets 2. Then when Rob Van gets up, Rob Terry hugs him. Then he pulls him up so Rob Van can wrap his legs around him. Rob Van Dam punches at him instead, and then elbows him as Rob Terry turns it into a reach-around hug.
Rob Van Dam escapes and runs at him to double leg smack on him, then gets on the top rope for a "single leg thrust" as Fucking Mike Tenay calls it. It's a fucking kick. He then hits a Five Star Frog Splash on Big Roid and pinwins.
WINNAR: Rob Van Dam
ANGRY FACE made by Big Roid Terry. OH NOESZ HE GONNA JOIN IMMORTAL! Oops. No wait, I didn't read the spoilers this week. It's just that unsubtle!
Video package tracing the GREAT SUCCESS of Jarrett's MMA career.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 2 hours is way too long for TNA iMPACT each week.
Mike Tenay has a bitchfit over Jeff Jarrett using Kurt Angle's old entrance lift thing. The Taz says these days it seems JARRETT'S TAKING EVERYTHING THAT WAS KURT'S. HURRDURR KAREN JARRETT ANGLE. Jay Bee makes the usual announcement thing, and suggests some guy, and Jarrett says OH LOOK AT HIM THE ONLY THING HE COULD SUBMIT IS A CHINESE BUFFET! He then says HEY WE DIDN'T BRING A METAL DETECTOR YOU THUGS GET OUT OF HERE to two guys who on my Twitter noted looked quite a bit like LAX. Then they pass a Cyprus Hill-looking duo that looked like Team 3D.
He then calls upon a guy who... for the life of me looks rather like the same guy from last week who got killshitted. His name is Jose but his friends call him Jay. Jarrett's like DO YOU HAVE A LAST NAME? And it's Rios. He says he from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Jarrett says he guesses he's a TNA fan and asks who his favorite wrestler is. He says MICKIE JAMES! Hurrdurr. Jarrett's like YOU THINK THIS IS ALL FUN AND GAMES DON'T YOU? and bitchslaps him.
DOUBLE M A CHALLENGE Jeff Jarrett vs Jose Rios
The little guy tries to shove meekly at Jarrett, and Jarrett gets on him and punches his ass up, then puts him on the ground and punches him up DOUBLE-M A style. He then pulls him into a Cock-in-a-clutch on him. Jose Rios tap tap taps out. He was not For Real enough.
WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why do people hate Heel Michael Coleslaw? I want a REAL and GENUINE and LEGITIMATE reason, not just "durr he stupid he say stupid thing i hate him"
Jeff Hardy and Kaz Kazarian vs BLUEPRINT OF SOMETHING OR OTHER Matt Morgan and Ken Anderson Kennedy
Where's the draw in this match? Where's the appeal? Why do I want to see Kennedy generically brawl or Jeff Jarrett stagger about and fall off the turnbuckle or Matt Morgan do anything or Kaz? Is this going to sell pay per views? And I mean SELL, not sell by default because TNA fans will buy every PPV regardless of if the main event is Samoa Joe vs Batman or the Beautiful People in a lingerie pillow fight with Eric Young and Orlando Jordan.
Anyway, match starts with Anderson brawling and Kaz being brawled on. He flips out of a brawl attempt, and catches Anderson with a kick to the back of the head. The Taz goes DAT DAT DAAT DAT DAT DAT and Mike Tenay goes You're right Taz. He pulls up Anderson only for Anderson to nosell him and brawl some, then irish whip him into the corner, then irish whip him into the other corner, and Kaz falls on Anderson on the back of his head. HURRDURRRRRRRRRRR!!!!1111111111111111
Anderson Anderson Anderson tries to tag in Matthias, but Kaz pulls him back, but then he tags in Matthias anyway, and he starts lazily clotheslining Kaz, then grtabs him from behind for some kind of thrust move onto the turnbuckle, like an inverted chokeslam from behind. He then puts Kaz in the corner to do his lamewad elbow thing. He then run sat Kaz and side slams him as he bounces off. He goes to punchies Jeff but Jeff drops off the apron. Matthias punches Kaz and Kaz grabs the referee's shirt like a little bitch. Matthias picks him up and pops him in the face, then goes and... falls out of the ring. Somehow. THANKS, SHITTY SHITTY CAMERA ANGLES!
Hardy slams Morgan's face into the steel steps, then rolls him in, and gets tagged in to stomp on Morgan. Hardy does his legdrop to the balls thing. Kaz then tagged in some and they put him in the corner and waste their doubleteam time to just double stomp on him in the corner. Kaz puts his boot on Morgan. Kaz then bops Anderson off the apron, and goes back to putting boots on Morgan. Hardy now tagged in... to stomp on Morgan. YAY "WRESTLING"!
Double suplex attempt but Anderson nosells his shit and attacks them both. He puts Kaz in a Death Valley Driver position but Kaz slips out and OMFG TOSSES ANDERSON INTO TEH REFEREE HURRDURR SHENANIGANS! Morgan leg drops Kaz, then Hardy goes after Anderson, and Anderson jawbreakers him and Morgan kicks Hardy in the face. Anderson goes to the top rope, when OH NOESZ SHENANIGANS Big Roid Terry appears and tosses Anderson Anderson onto the top rope. He then Guillotines Morgan on the top rope and Hardy pinwins.
WINNAR: KAAAAAZ and Jeff Hardy
Most notable thing about the match: I think Jay Bee called him "Jeff Huddy" when announcing the winners.
TNA YAY: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. EVERYTHING WAS EQUALLY WICKED AHSSOME.
TNA BOO: The matches where nothing happened but punches and kicks and generic brawling
TNA WTF: Something is keeping TNA from being cancelled. I cannot think of what.
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THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).