TNA
IMPACT
REPORT
If only TNA could be cancelled for so much
mediocrity, I could declare easy victory and go home,
just like with Iraq. Instead, moar writing and moar
stupidity. Stupid stupid stupid.
SPeaking of
stupid, intro video music video thing. It's literally
painful to watch. Or maybe I'm just stupid and my eyes
are weak. But it hurts.
As we get to the real
show, Anderson Anderson is backstage somewhere. For no
reason, he stops, and kicks something over. Matt Morgan
randomly comes in to be an ass and jerk him around
because apparently his doctor hasn't cleared him or
whatever. He says it's gonna happen, the tag match,
anyway.
And that tag match is apparently
happening now. Morganite and Anderson are tagging
tonight, so Mike Tenay incoherently shouts IMMORTAL
STRIKES AGAIN with Morgan and Anderson tagging. The Taz
then says Immortal is ahead of the game. BITCH, IMMORTAL
-IS- THE GAME, IDIOT! They're like the late-90s
nWo---they ARE TNA at this point. I can't even name 10
wrestlers on active TNA roster who AREN'T in Immortal.
Match doesn't begin as Morgan gets on the microphone to
bitch and whine about Anderson Anderson and such. This
prompts him to come out, NOT DRESSED TO WRESTLE OH NO.
Once in the ring, he says CHEESE and RICE, and
some douchefag in the crowd shouts CHEESE AND RICE HAHA!
He smuggly and exasperatedly says he APPRECIATES what
Morgan has done for him. The same douchefag says HE
APPRECIATES IT! and when Anderson says he's an adult and
he can take care of himself, douchefag says SOMETIMES
and Anderson says "Yeah, sometimes", but they're
wrestlers and they're here at the TNA iMPACT Zone to
wrestle, so they gonna wrestle. Or whatever it is
Anderson does that constitutes "wrestling"
He
continues being derisive like Do you want a note from my
mommy or my doctor? Morgan acts like a responsible adult
in a tone rather reminiscent of one of my friends, and
says he doesn't need to show him a note, what he needs
to do is show the fans and trust them and show THEM the
doctor's note. He says none of the fans would want to
see him in a tag match tonight that would jeopardize the
next twenty or thirty years of his life. I would argue
myself but I'd have to actually be a fan.
He
says WHAT ABOUT HIS COMMITTMENT TO CHRIS NOWINSKI (Who?)
AND HIS CONCUSSION FOUNDATION THING!? Morgan then says
Eric Bischoff is a pissant promoter who puts them in
harms way. STOP SHOOTING, MORGAN~@!~!~~!!! so he should
say no to Eric, and Anderson's like I BEEN DOING THAT
FOR TWO MONTHS but now his career is on the line or
something. Morgan says he feels like this is gonna be a
handicap match with him versus KAAZ and STYY, and
wonders if Anderson ONE HUNNERD PERCENT has his back.
Speaking of someone who's never at one hundred
percent mentally, it's Jeff Harvey---HARDY. He's only
painted half his face, and drones lazily like Are you
gonna have this match or not? Why don't you propose to
Ken and get married at Genesis because you two sound
like an old bitch married couple. Clearly Jeff Hardy's
never had real friends, then. Morgan and Anderson then
retorts like look who's talking you HOGAN'S BITCHBOY and
Hot Topic wants their belt back and his makeup is
running. I'm tired already! It's only 830PM
Harvey says MAYBE ANDERSON CAN'T TRUST MORGAN
MAYBE HE'S STILL WITH IMMORTAL! Then he goes on trash
talking Morgan some more, saying he should worry about
his own damn self. He then says all you MARKS in the
iMPACT Zone you know us professional wrestlers are all
CON MEN and this is what it's all about... this is the
most important title in professional wrestling... that
purple-blue shit thing.
Anyway, TONIGHT
an X Division championship match. A "return" match from
their PPV thing, which was TWO weeks ago, meaning they
didn't give a shit enough to cover this last week or
something. Also, SHARK BOY! but they don't mention that
at all in the recap.
X Division
Championship Match Robbie V (C) vs Jay Lethal
Fucking Mike Tenay is stealing The Taz's
deal with going OH when Robbie fistpumps. Bashtard. He
says the jury is still out as to whether he's even
worthy as X Division championship since winning it back
in NOvember. You could say that doesn't say much about
Robbie E, but I say that doesn't say much about the
company and its attention on the X Division. I honestly
don't think there are any "X Division" guys left besides
Jay Lethal.
They start with some running around
and fast moves when out of nowhere, Christy Hemme runs
in to beat up on Snooki and handcuff her. Mike Tenay
says THIS HAS BEEN BUILDING UP FOR SEVERAL WEEKS!
Seriously, the only reason that even happened is because
Retard Snooki went and randomly attacked Christy Hemme
backstage for NO REASON AT ALL.
Anyway,
commercials, then match, and stuff happening and pin
gets 2. Jay Lethal on the ground while the almost-white
guy stomps on him and smacks him some. He gets up and he
kicks him, then irish whip but Jay Lethal sticks to the
ropes and punches and chops on the other guy. Then irish
whip but gets reversed, but Jay kicks his face when he
bends over, they wrestle some, and he Russian Leg Sweeps
him. At ringside, Christy Hemme stopped beating up on
her, and just handcuffed herself to her. She then
randomly attacks Snooki for no reason, keeling her over
with a shot to the guts.
He then gets a chinlock
thing on Jay Lethal, while putting on one of his VINTAGE
unfuckable faces. Jay gets up only to be tossed back
down and chinlocked on by the guy. He then breaks out,
to grab hold of Robbie and punch him up some. Then
punches, and running clotheslines. Irish whip gets
reversed, and he stupidly ducks so Lethal can suplay
him. He then catches him in a LETHAL COMBINATION thing
which I previously used to call a backbreaker into a
Rock Bottom type thing. He then gets to the top rope and
does a MACHO MAYIN elbow drop thing. Pin gets 2. VINTAGE
unfuckable face by Robbie P.
He gets into the
corner and punches Jay down. Pin gets 2 as Earl Hebner
catches him with his foot leaning against the rope. The
Taz has a laugh that Earl Hebner apparently told Snooki
to shut up, but I didn't hear it. Lethal catches Robbie
on the top rope to reverse into a superplex. Another
VINTAGE UNFUCKABLE face by him. Snooki boots Hemme in
the guts, and tries to hand a spray to Robbie D but
Hemme snatches it up and sprays her in the eyes, Dr
Weird on Rabbot-style. Lethal Injection on Robbie G and
Jay Lethal pinwins.
WINNAR + NEW X
CHAMPION: Jay Lethal
Lethal dances
with Hemme, then kisses her. She freaks out some and
leaves, cos she's a niggerhater. Backstage, AJ shits on
Robbie T to Eric B, and he asks AJ to define the word
IRONY for him. IRONY: IT'S NOT JUST HOW IRON TASTES. I
do plan on stealing that Scarless quip as often as
possible. As Benjamin Franklin once said, Why should I
give my Readers bad lines of my own when good ones of
other People's are so plenty? Anyway, Bischoff then says
IRONY is the fact that AJ is shitting on Robbie Z when
AJ himself lost his title in similarly failtacular
fashion to an even bigger nonentity, TEH DOUGLAS
WILLIAMS.
Eric Bischoff finds that REALLY
FREAKIN IRONIC! He then says WHEN HE GONNA BE THAT GUY,
POUND FOR POUND BESTEST! He says he held the TV title
longer than anyone. Considering he was the FIRST TV
champion, that's certainly saying something. Like "He
was the first Television champion, thus he is longest TV
champion by default."
Bischoff needs him to HOLD
IT to GET OUT AND GET IT and such. He says if he don't,
he can find any jabroni to do a Ric Flair imitation, in
fact Jay Lethal does a good one. YAY CONTINUITY! BOO
DISCONTINUITY---Ric Flair had a shitfest over that
imitation.
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: 24:03 That's where I left off last night.
Backstage somewhere, invisible cameraman
talks to TEH DOUGLAS who thinks it was rather
entertaining for him to use AJ's own move against him.
Meanwhile, HERE BE MAGNUS! They hug, and then asks him
what happened with Chelsea. She's done, he says. HOORAY
FOR OFF-SCREEN SHITCANNING! Speaking of failure, where's
Desmond Fail? He says he's getting the futball stuff out
of his system and should be back soon. MOAR QUESTIONS by
the cameraguy, asking how it felt for him to beat AJ
Styles and such. He say it was refreshing and such as he
enters his trailer or something.
OUT OF NOWHAR AJ
Styles comes and beats him up a bunch. AJ beats him up
more, then slams him into the door. Then more beating on
him. AJ says he's feeling pretty good. SHRILL SQUEAKY
VOICES SHRIEK as AJ beats him up. It's Madison Rayne
squealing at him, with Tara beside her. They're like GET
OUT and such, but they keep beating each other up. Tara
throws shoes at them. AJ snatches a fire extinguisher
and hits TEH on the back with it, then slams him into a
bunch of walls. AJ finally says SHUT UP HOOKER at
Madison Rayne who won't stop shrieking for him to get
out.
Speaking of hookers, HERE BE Orlando Jordan
in a... wow, that is... just wicked AWESOME outfit on
him. Like a one-piece sleeveless/short legged tye-dye
outfit thing. It's just damn fashionable. At least to
me. Might be tacky. I like it. He encounters Eric Young
emerging from a random room with The Beautiful People.
Eric Young is wearing a championship belt he found in
the trash. True story; he said he found it in a garbage
can himself. He says he has an IMPORTANT MATCH title
defense first ever... for this belt he found in the
trash?
Orlando Jordan then asks him if he really
likes the whole "hooters" thing with the girls. He
wanders into a random room, where TEH BRIAN KENDRICK is
sitting in a circle of candles and gives him advice as
his SENSEI! He's been expecting Young. His guidance; The
reason he's champion is not hard work, hard work is busy
work, he's champion because of his belief in his self.
He knows he's gonna be champion, so he will be. But he
has to keep in mind that one man's treasure is another
man's trash. I guess it's an unsubtle reference to that
championship belt he found in the trash?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I
sure hope I finish this recap by today.
Backstage somewhere in the darkness, Jeff
Hardy talks to invisible camera guy, saying there's a
lot of bullshit roaming around TNA lately. STOP
SHOOTING, JEFF~~!~!!!! He says Anderson Anderson and
such should pave their own future in becoming world
champion. Then he say they gonna go out and face the
guys in a tag team match and have a great time and it's
gonna be a breeze. You're supposed to be the ANTICHRIST
HEEL, Methy.
Generation Buck vs Eric
Young and Orlando Jordan
Correction;
that's not the Beautiful People. It's two nameless
blondes. Also, apparently that championship belt Eric
Young got in the trash is the OLD TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
BELT. I would say nice job being stupid, but
storyline-wise that does make sense.
Speaking of
trash, Orlando Jordan comes out in orange shorts and a
midriff white top, like a Hooters girl! Because it's on
him, it's awesome. Eric Young gets on the microphone all
like HIS BELT IS ON THE LINE in the most dangerous
professional wrestling match ever; the battle royal. By
the way, it's a tag team match.
Eric Young
shoves Brian Hebner out of the ring. Bell rings and Eric
gets in and throws THOSE GUYS out of the ring. He then
Inverted Atomic Drops Orlando Jordan and clotheslines
him out of the ring.
WINNAR: Eric Young
Generation THOSE GUYS enter in to beat up on
Eric Young. Orlando Jordan then comes in to back body
drop Jeremy Hardy and then slams down the other guy and
pins down the other guy and thrust his crotch in his
face. Jeremy Hardy then gets in to stomp on him and leg
drop. Eric Young bounces about on the ropes while THOSE
GUYS double team Jordan. Jeremy Hardy gets out of the
ring to talk at the blonde women, and Max Hardy gets out
to yell at him, only for Eric Young to suicide dive on
them.
Now Eric Young and the other guy in and
irish whip Eric Young and Orlando tags himself in and
attacks the other guy, while Eric Young beats up on
Jeremy Hardy outside. Orlando Jordan puts some nasty-ass
chinlock headlock sleeperhold from the front thing that
looks like he could fucking cut his fucking head off
with his forearms and the other guy tap tap taps out.
WINNAR: Eric Young and Orlando Jordan
Backstage somewhere, Mickie James randomly
appears at Eric Bischoff and she's like she wants to
know who her tag team partner is. Bischofff smirks it up
and says Miss Tessmacher. Who? I don't even know.
Apparently she's not a wrestler, and not much of a
secretary either.
Random Commercial-area
Thoughts: I have a headaaaaaaaaaaaaaache
Tara and Madison Rayne vs Mickie
James and Miss Tessmacher (Who?)
The Taz
enjoys her outfit, which is pretty much sports bra and
shorts with elbow and kneepads and glasses and boots.
And fake tits. Big fake tits. Fucking fake tits. Where
is their appeal? Have you ever seen naked fake tits?
With VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS they're... really sick.
Disgusting. Ugly. Nasty-looking things. Probably the
best fake tits I've ever seen... Lucy Becker. And she
already had like DD cups to begin with, and upped them
to F cups.
Oh yeah, a match here. I'm getting
scared of Mark Madden, reading his columns on
WrestleZone and his new segment on Chairshot Reality.
I'm scared cos he talks about the divas/knockouts as if
their sole purpose is to have sex with the wrestlers,
and repeatedly says they never draw a dime. I'm really
ascared of that. I used to want to be a wrestler or
something. This was the same time I also wanted to be a
rock star, a movie star, a porn star, and something
else.
On a related note, thank you Sean Carless
for making Megan Fox a perpetual 'creature' to me with
cretin toe thumbs. Oh hell, I forgot all about this
match going on. Mark Madden says they never draw a dime.
Do they draw you? Should I cover it? It's hot in this
room. It's fucking mid-December and where I live it's in
the mid-70s F temperature, which means the air
conditioner doesn't come on, there's no breeze near my
room's only window, and it gets hot and stuffy to where
I can barely breathe. In December. I fucking hate this
city.
WINNAR: Someone. I forgot who.
Who cares?
Backstage, KAAZ continues to
be unfunny and incoherent by talking about the match
tonight with the "Greenprint" and Mister Anderson
Anderson. Greenprint...
Speaking of shit no one
cares about, ROB TERRY! Randomly backstage. KAAZ says he
has a huge opportunity tonight, and he's not gonna speak
for Flair or Hogan or Bischoff, but they gonna be
watching, so like, you know, you need us, etcetera. He
tells KAAZ in a goofy tone "Screw you!" Kaz says SCREW
ME? You can be made or you can be gone, and if you don't
believe me, go ahead and ask Rhino, oh wait he's not
here, he's in the unemployment line.
If the only
two options are to be "made" or to be fired, why isn't
3/4ths of the TNA roster shitcanned or part of Immortal?
WHAT KIND OF WCW IMITATION IS THIS?!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why
did I have to learn on fucking TWITTER that "Don't Ask,
Don't Tell" was repealed?
Backstage
somewhere, a random black guy arrives for the Pope and
gives him some money saying his congregation doth hath
donateth it to him. They do a complicated black
handshake and then Pope say time to tend the business.
OH SHIT Sabu? Oh...
Brother Ray
w/ Genericized Generic Sabu music vs The Amazing Red
Before his opponent can enter, he gets on
the microphone saying Yah Devon can call him a bully.
Bully Ray. His words. He chose as his opponent the
biggest, baddest, toughest guy in the TNA locker room. I
didn't even realize the Red guy was still employed. He
looks like a tall Jason Acuņa, Weeman. I barely even
looked away, and the guy is already climbing up the
turnbuckle while Ray looks wicked. He then runs at Red
and chops him down with chops. BULLY RAY brought that
chop, The Taz says. He then gives a big SLEDGEHAMMERLIKE
blow to the back of Amazing Red.
He grabs the
fat guy's belt, and he stomps him down. People chant WE
WANT DEVON which they've never chanted ever before ever,
which goes to show what hypocrites and shitheads they
be's. More punches and stomps and elbows and such. He
yells at Red all like YOU GONNA GET UP AND FIGHT? and
such. He then gets on his knees like LOOK I'M RIGHT
HEAH! and Red swings and pops him one. He rears back,
then tries to fall on Red, but Red moves, then gets on
the turnbuckle and dropkicks Bruther Ray.
Red
then runs at Brother Ray, to get booted in the face.
Then Buh Buh Bomb, MOAR LIEK BULLY BOMB says The Taz.
Pinwins.
WINNAR: Brother Ray Deadly
He then gets a steel chair from the
outside and gets in the ring to hold the chair and act
like he gonna attack him, but OH NOESZ RANDOM GENERIC
MUSIC PLAYS and it's Brother Devon to chase him away.
Bruther Ray runs through the crowd, jumping the
guardrail, and Devon chases him.
STILL TO COME,
ANOTHER DOUBLE J DOUBLE M A CHALLENGE! He say he gonna
pony up $100,000 of his OWN money, because they
apparently realized they can't afford it on their own
and told Jeff to foot that shit himself.
Out
in the parking lot, a black man gets in a car and pulls
away. That's it. That's what we're shown. That's all.
TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION!
Big Freak Rob
Terry vs Rob Van Dam
I... what? Does
this mean Rob is gonna be teh jobsauce now? GREAT
INVESTMENT, TNA! HURRDURR! Or something. Because this
match clearly doesn't matter a shit, Rob Van Dam gets on
the microphone and is like BISCHOFF it don't matter who
you put in front of me cos I'm gonna go for the TNA
championship etcetera. These two lock up, and Rob shoves
Rob away into the corner. They face off again, and Rob
Van starts punching on Big Roid and such, when Roid
grabs Rob's throat but Rob trips him up, then kicks him
in the chest, then dropkicks his legs out from under
him, then dropkicks his face, then leg drops him. He
then goes for a running thing but Big Roid Terry gets up
and grabs him with a GENERIC FRONT SLAM!
He
slams into Rob Van Dam's back in the turnbuckle and pin
gets 2. He then gets Rob Van in the corner to do the
same thing---shoulder thrust. Irish whip into other
turnbuckle and Rob Van kicks him away, then springboard
kicks him down. He then randomly nosells and spears Rob
Van with a spear. COMMERCIALS.
Back from
commercials, Rob Van is shoved off the apron by Rob
Terry in a GENERIC SHOULDER BLOCK! He then goes outside
the ring and picks up Rob Van Dam and GENERICALLY
SHOULDER THRUSTS him into the apron. Then he rolls him
under the ropes. GENERIC ROLL UNDER THE ROPES! Pin gets
2. He then gets him into a Front Slam position and
Ribbreakers him. Pin gets 2. Then when Rob Van gets up,
Rob Terry hugs him. Then he pulls him up so Rob Van can
wrap his legs around him. Rob Van Dam punches at him
instead, and then elbows him as Rob Terry turns it into
a reach-around hug.
Rob Van Dam escapes and runs
at him to double leg smack on him, then gets on the top
rope for a "single leg thrust" as Fucking Mike Tenay
calls it. It's a fucking kick. He then hits a Five Star
Frog Splash on Big Roid and pinwins.
WINNAR: Rob Van Dam
ANGRY FACE made by Big Roid Terry. OH
NOESZ HE GONNA JOIN IMMORTAL! Oops. No wait, I didn't
read the spoilers this week. It's just that unsubtle!
Video package tracing the GREAT SUCCESS of
Jarrett's MMA career.
Random
Commercial-area Thoughts: 2 hours is way too long
for TNA iMPACT each week.
Mike Tenay has
a bitchfit over Jeff Jarrett using Kurt Angle's old
entrance lift thing. The Taz says these days it seems
JARRETT'S TAKING EVERYTHING THAT WAS KURT'S. HURRDURR
KAREN JARRETT ANGLE. Jay Bee makes the usual
announcement thing, and suggests some guy, and Jarrett
says OH LOOK AT HIM THE ONLY THING HE COULD SUBMIT IS A
CHINESE BUFFET! He then says HEY WE DIDN'T BRING A METAL
DETECTOR YOU THUGS GET OUT OF HERE to two guys who on my
Twitter noted looked quite a bit like LAX. Then they
pass a Cyprus Hill-looking duo that looked like Team 3D.
He then calls upon a guy who... for the life of
me looks rather like the same guy from last week who got
killshitted. His name is Jose but his friends call him
Jay. Jarrett's like DO YOU HAVE A LAST NAME? And it's
Rios. He says he from San Juan, Puerto Rico. Jarrett
says he guesses he's a TNA fan and asks who his favorite
wrestler is. He says MICKIE JAMES! Hurrdurr. Jarrett's
like YOU THINK THIS IS ALL FUN AND GAMES DON'T YOU? and
bitchslaps him.
DOUBLE M A CHALLENGE
Jeff Jarrett vs Jose Rios
The little
guy tries to shove meekly at Jarrett, and Jarrett gets
on him and punches his ass up, then puts him on the
ground and punches him up DOUBLE-M A style. He then
pulls him into a Cock-in-a-clutch on him. Jose Rios tap
tap taps out. He was not For Real enough.
WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Why do people hate Heel Michael Coleslaw? I want a REAL
and GENUINE and LEGITIMATE reason, not just "durr he
stupid he say stupid thing i hate him"
Jeff Hardy and Kaz Kazarian vs
BLUEPRINT OF SOMETHING OR OTHER Matt Morgan and Ken
Anderson Kennedy
Where's the draw in
this match? Where's the appeal? Why do I want to see
Kennedy generically brawl or Jeff Jarrett stagger about
and fall off the turnbuckle or Matt Morgan do anything
or Kaz? Is this going to sell pay per views? And I mean
SELL, not sell by default because TNA fans will buy
every PPV regardless of if the main event is Samoa Joe
vs Batman or the Beautiful People in a lingerie pillow
fight with Eric Young and Orlando Jordan.
Anyway, match starts with Anderson brawling and
Kaz being brawled on. He flips out of a brawl attempt,
and catches Anderson with a kick to the back of the
head. The Taz goes DAT DAT DAAT DAT DAT DAT and Mike
Tenay goes You're right Taz. He pulls up Anderson only
for Anderson to nosell him and brawl some, then irish
whip him into the corner, then irish whip him into the
other corner, and Kaz falls on Anderson on the back of
his head. HURRDURRRRRRRRRRR!!!!1111111111111111
Anderson Anderson Anderson tries to tag in
Matthias, but Kaz pulls him back, but then he tags in
Matthias anyway, and he starts lazily clotheslining Kaz,
then grtabs him from behind for some kind of thrust move
onto the turnbuckle, like an inverted chokeslam from
behind. He then puts Kaz in the corner to do his lamewad
elbow thing. He then run sat Kaz and side slams him as
he bounces off. He goes to punchies Jeff but Jeff drops
off the apron. Matthias punches Kaz and Kaz grabs the
referee's shirt like a little bitch. Matthias picks him
up and pops him in the face, then goes and... falls out
of the ring. Somehow. THANKS, SHITTY SHITTY CAMERA
ANGLES!
Hardy slams Morgan's face into the steel
steps, then rolls him in, and gets tagged in to stomp on
Morgan. Hardy does his legdrop to the balls thing. Kaz
then tagged in some and they put him in the corner and
waste their doubleteam time to just double stomp on him
in the corner. Kaz puts his boot on Morgan. Kaz then
bops Anderson off the apron, and goes back to putting
boots on Morgan. Hardy now tagged in... to stomp on
Morgan. YAY "WRESTLING"!
Double suplex attempt
but Anderson nosells his shit and attacks them both. He
puts Kaz in a Death Valley Driver position but Kaz slips
out and OMFG TOSSES ANDERSON INTO TEH REFEREE HURRDURR
SHENANIGANS! Morgan leg drops Kaz, then Hardy goes after
Anderson, and Anderson jawbreakers him and Morgan kicks
Hardy in the face. Anderson goes to the top rope, when
OH NOESZ SHENANIGANS Big Roid Terry appears and tosses
Anderson Anderson onto the top rope. He then Guillotines
Morgan on the top rope and Hardy pinwins.
WINNAR: KAAAAAZ and Jeff Hardy
Most notable thing about the match: I think
Jay Bee called him "Jeff Huddy" when announcing the
winners.
TNA YAY: Nothing.
Absolutely nothing. EVERYTHING WAS EQUALLY WICKED
AHSSOME.
TNA BOO: The matches where
nothing happened but punches and kicks and generic
brawling
TNA WTF: Something is keeping
TNA from being cancelled. I cannot think of what.
Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo
Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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