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I'm in a very bad mood. Sick to fucking death of having been repeatedly killed within seconds of re-spawning in Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 online, sick to fucking death of a fucking retard on Youtube telling me I should be GRATEFUL that History Channel put out "Battles, BC", a glorification of "300" and a total obliteration of history, particularly an episode which portrays Hannibal Fucking Barca as a BIG NAKED BALD GUY who opens his mouth as wide as he can at all times, and says that the ROMAN MANIPLES CANNOT TURN SIDEWAYS TO FIGHT ON THEIR SIDES.

Now to those who aren't historians, this is the equivalent of saying that the United States Marine Corp CANNOT fight for too long because THEIR GUNS RUN OUT OF AMMUNITION.




To say the Roman Maniple can't turn sideways to fight on its flanks is to say the Roman army was no better than a Greek or Macedonian Phalanx. To say that is to essentially say that the Romans could NEVER have defeated the likes of Pyrrhus of Epirus, who actually used an effective Macedonian Phalanx, and was beaten off the peninsula because 1) He never learned from his mistakes, and 2) The Romans were FLEXIBLE enough to constantly put his phalanx in danger.

This is beyond belief. And this fucking RETARD on Youtube was simply TOO FUCKING STUPID TO EVEN ADDRESS MY QUESTION: "Why should I be grateful for a program that shits on history?" He couldn't answer that. First, he turns to that old chestnut "well no one cares about your opinion, they make their TV show and they have money etcetera". I never said anything about them, I asked Why should I be grateful, me? He then turned to a "You should be grateful because they made it for you". You know what else was made for us? ACCORDING TO JIM!

So I blocked that retard.

So in the hopes of feeling better and kipper, I turn to TNA iMPACT! What do you mean that's a bad way to improve my mood?

Speaking of me being stupid enough to think that, here is Hulk Hogan shilling thing again! This time around, it involves Sting no-showing his interview thing, fearing he'll be buried by Hogan again. Also, a Jeff Jarrett thing involving him cursing a lot. Then there's a Desmond Fail segment with him speaking english poorly, and being beaten by Kurt Mangled in his only match with him. And you wonder why I call him Mr. Fail?

"Foley/Jarrett Summit"

Now comes Mick Foley heading into his office, where Kebong Nash has redecorated in a way sure to offend females like me, but I'm bisexual, so I'm only mildly amused and greatly appealed. Pictures of sexy women alongside pictures of sexy male wrestlers? I think Kevin's bisexual, too. Or he likes to pretend he knows about TNA and stuff. "Picture of Lance Hoyt? Oh yeah, he's like the... Cruiserweight champion... guy... right?"

Oh silly writing. Kevin Nash has been reading up on the rulebook, which is a big black book with "RULEBOOK" on the side printed in big letters. See, I thought it was a Bible. But then again, the Bible IS a rulebook. This here is a conundrum! Kevin Nash says he'd like tonight to run the show because... well, he doesn't give a reason. I think he trades a night of authority for a face to face meeting with Hulk Hogan.

Mick Foley went all the way to Nashville and gives Nash a DVD of him and Jarrett and such. He's then given a Coach flight with two layovers to meet Hulk Hogan. Because he's an idiot. Also, Nash gives Jay Bee a hundred bucks for cocktails. He then gets on the phone and demands the security tapes of Foley's office for the last three months. Shenanigans abound, I suspect.

Kevin Nash then comes down with Eric Young, saying we're in for a show! Yes, this is indeed going to be many things, including a show. Tonight, Nashicles is in complete charge of iMPACT! Knowing Nash, this probably isn't kayfabe. Nash basically tells everyone he got htis by setting up a meeting with Foley and Hogan, because clearly we couldn't get that from the previous backstage thing. Speaking of which, why even bother with that skit if he's going to render it completely pointless by this thing here?

He sets up the matches of the evening: The British Invasion, all THREE of them, against Motor City Machine GUNAH (as in one, which he points that out) Chris Sabin, handicapped matcho. Then he has Scottle Steiner and a Knerkout of his Raping versus Bobby Lashley and his wife, whom he probably raped as well.

One time only, TNA Global Championship match, Eric Young versus Hamada. In the interest of fairness, being that Hamada isn't American.

Tara vs ODB, trailer park throwdown, which means it's a streetfight. But since this is RUSSOFIED! each girl must guzzle a six pack of beer before the match. BOOK IT, RUSSO!

Team 3Dicles, Rhino, and Jesse Fail vs Rhino, His Holy Father Blackadictus I, Suicide, and Matthias Morganite.

Lacey Von Erich vs Velvet Sky, for no real reason, in a mud wrestling match. Diseases ahoy!

To the highest bidder, because Nash wants money and was never paid back by Foley, a title shot against AJ Styles.

Kevin Nash then says he has two hours left on his viagra, and will likely run in during the mud wrestling match and rape both girls. Ohhh Spike TV.

Earlier this week, Mick Foley is in Nashville, and talks to a TV screen with Dixie Carter on it. It sounds stupid, but it's hilarious because he knows it's a TV screen and is mocking the fact that she doesn't care about him. He then bursts into a room with Vince Russo and somewhere else. It's hilarious how he says "You guys write some good stuff" and tells them to write him a vignette where he talks with Dixie.

He then encounters someone, mentions he can't be fired, and needs to know where Jeff Jarrett hangs out and such. He's clearly stricken with fear, as simply mentioning Jarrett will get him castrated or worse yet reprimanded and suspended with pay! Foley gets nothing there, so leaves, and heads for somewhere, but it cuts off and goes to commercial.

I kind of feel like this best represents how TNA writers were trained for their job. Match the symbolism where you may, it's just so powerful:

It's Mike Tenay, it's Taz at ringside. I hate that introduction. The Taz says they had an announcement at the Ultimate Fighter finale---at January 4th, 2010, they'll have a three hour monday night thing. Eh, fuck that shit. Going head to head with WWE Raw that night? I can tell you what I and many other fans will be watching that night: something else.

Speaking of something completely different, here comes the British people. And the announcer says something that sounds like "The British Fantasia"

The British Fantasia vs Christopher Sabin

TEH DOUG goes off with Christoph, and he wristlocks and Sabin flips around, then wristlocks him back, then TEH DOUG flips around, then TEH DOUG gets a headlock on him, but Sabin tosses him away, rope bouncing, TEH DOUG catches him but Sabin drags him down, then TEH DOUG tries a sunset flip, but Sabin just stands up and kicks him in the face. Now Sabin irish whip but gets reversed and kneed in the back by the Roman one, he then dropkicks his shins, and TEH DOUG is catapulted outside. Christoph then tries to do a suicide dive, but Big Roid roids up and smashes him down like so much Velveeta.

TEH DOUG now in and european uppercuts at him. TEH DOUG then slams Sabin on the turnbuckle and chokes him with a boot. Now punchies and stuff, then tagts in Captain Boring, and they do their generic double-team thing and handshake with his retard headwiggle. Brutal Mange looks more muscly. I suspect a serious workout routine. And shriveled testicles.

TEH DOUG gets tagged back in so they can double team again a quick and nifty thing involving irish whipping Sabin and booting him in the face a bunch. BIG ROID TERRY is tagged in and he picks up Satan, scoop slams, and people chant "YOU CAN'T WRESTLE!" A crowd after my own heart. Sabin avoids another move, then runs at him to attack. TEH DOUG runs in and he shoves him into Roid. Brutal then comes in and slams into TEH DOUG to be a retard.

Satan then boots Roid in the face as the other two move, then try to double clothesline, but they hit Roid. Satan then does a Tornado DDT-into a rollup and pinfalls Big Roid for teh winx0rz.

WINNAR: Christopher Sabin

Big Roid gonna cry now. Awww... Brutal then shoves at him after TEH DOUG palms his head. He gets all angry-looking. Awww...

Christy Hemme stands by with Scott Steiner, and I'm afraid for her, for he right away begins with the sexual harassment and all. He says she's replaced JB and she's already pissed him off with her stupid question involving alluding. He then says when you allude, you make an ass out of you and me. He's still MEM, along with the others apparently. He has a lot of uses for freaks, but not in the ring. Apparently he remarks of freaks being women. Oh thanks, Steiner. He puts his fist to the camera and it looks like Kirk's fist in "Star Trek (2009)" when he got infected. Ew. He then says he'll fist Miles Lashley, the 1.5 year old son of Bobby Lashley. Oooh yeah. It's awwwwright!

When we came back, Mick Foley enters a diner talking to some old woman named Ruby for some reason. It involves tracking down Jeff Jarrett. Has she seen him today? She says he's been away for a month probably due to the holidays, and Foley says that's no excuse to stay away from her place. He then asks her to let him know if she sees him around.

Bobby Lashley and Kristal Lashley vs Scott Steiner and Bitch who needs to be barefoot and pregnant and cook him some dinner

Oh yeah, since Steiner has the jungle fever, he chose Awesome Kong. Mike Tenay says he chose a freak to be his freak. Fucking Mike Tenay. Steiner gets kicked in the gut to start with, then a running thing and a scoop slam. Irish whip on Steiner, but he catches the ropes and leaves, because he's old and he needs to rest. Steiner eventually gets back in, pushes Lashely on a turnbuckle and slowly chops him, then whips him across, but Lashley elbows him, then picks up Lashley on his shoulder and stomachbreakers him on his shoulder. He runs at Steiner on the corner now, Steiner puts his boot up but Lashley catches him and shoves it down to bash him in the gut with his shoulder.

Lashley tries to do a running thing but Amaszing Kong trips him up, because black on black violence makes my heart tingle. Steiner now takes advantage of the black people, clotheslines Lashy, and Kong comes in to try to beat on him, but Lashy ducks, so she ends up clotheslining Steiner. He gets up in her face all like "GET MAH BAAAGS BITCH!" but Bobby beats up Steiner and she just backs away like so much Velveeta.

Steiner beats on Lashley on the outside now, slams him on the steel steps, and Kristal moves, thus entering Steiner's line of sight. He's all yelling at her and she backs away into the ring so Amazing Kong can stand behind her, and she does that whole comical "Uh oh, I better turn around slowly" and Kong double Judo chops her, then slams her down, then goes on the top to moonsault, but Steiner just mounts her for a pinfall. He then does pushups over her. It's like rape, but with no penetration! I think they call that sexual assault. Either way, she's black and he's white so it doesn't count.

WINNAR: Sexism

Backstage, Lauren intarviews Samoan Yusufus, who whines and smugs about stuff involving the World Championship, specifically being left out of the randomly selected TNA Championship tournament thing. He says he's gonna go into Feast or Fired and get a title shot. Oy... God...

Beer Money randomly appears, and James Swift racists it up, saying he'll get the briefcase that sends him back home to that island sipping coconut juice. Rick Rude gets all serious and stuff, all like the risk of getting fired is worth a title shot for the tag team. Joe steals Storm's catchphrase, and Storm loses it and just says his catchphrase anyway for no reason. Roode says they have twice the chance of getting the wrong case, and they're all serious-time now, staring at each other all like "We're serious"

Roode thinks they have no other opportunity for a title shot, and Storm is all like "nuh I don't think it's this serious"

Up next, we get a video clip from UFC where Joe Rogan shows he knows nothing about TNA by claiming TNA is MOVING to Spike TV with Hulk Hogan and such. Then after a commercial (I'm skipping them because I ran out of sleazy slutty stuff to say) we get a lockerroom filled with sexual harassment, as the Horrible People are not okay with mudwrestling~! They're angry, but Velvet says they ain't mudwrestling anyone.

Speaking of sexual harassment, here is Kevin Nash in their lockerroom, saying this is for ratings. Excuse me while I laugh.

Anyway, Kevin says not a person will change the channel with them on it. Millions of eyes on them. Imagine the attention. This all still constitutes sexual harassment. He then correctly states his pulse at the moment. Ratings = money, something TNA loves to spend on shit that =/= ratings. He then mentions the three of them, then implies that Madison Rayne will be referee. They squeal over the ref outfit he gives them, which has red trimmings and such. I don't know fashion, I'm a little kid. 21? That's too young.

Because this isn't reality at all, they're now all excited about the mud match.

VIDEO PACKAGE FOR STINK. We then get a video interview thing from the UFC thing with Joe Rogan softballing Hulk Hogan, sucking his dick and shilling TNA. That was no more than a few seconds longer than the preview clip.

Backstage, we get Tara drinking beer and complaining about it. Ugh... I'm starting to feel like Cameron Burge. They somehow thought that putting black tape over the case of Corona would be enough to avoid blurring it. Except the tape is so thin, it only just covers the letters, and not everything else that screams "CORONA BEER"

BACKSTAGE with Christy Hemme interviewing Eric Young, who will be jobbing to Hamarda. Eric Young says he doesn't do this for anyone, but he does it for Kevin Nash! He breaks one rule by defending in America, but he defends against a Japonese!

TNA Used to be Legends Championship
Hamada vs Eric Young w/ Championship

The Taz is either racist or sexist by claiming why should Eric Young and Kevin Nash take Hamada seriously. Is this how TNA wants to get ratings? But hey, Eric Bischoff said CONTROVERSY CREATES CASH! But there's nothing controversial about racism or sexism---you're either opposed to it or you're ignorant.

So since Spike TV doesn't allow man on woman violence, there ain't gonna be much in this match. Eric Young pushes Hamada in a turnbuckle from a lockup, then pats her cheek. She then spinkicks him, sending him out of the ring, and killshits him madly, then shoves him inside. She then runs at him, but he lifts his leg up and boots her in the gut. The Taz thinks THIS IS ENOUGH TO PUT HER AWAY. She then kicks him in the head as he climbs on the turnbuckle, and she hurricanranas him, and pinfails.

The Taz is just sexist now. I won't cover it because it's against my religion to pay attention to New York guidos and ita's. Eric Young picks up a Dirty Pin where he puts his feet on the ropes and quickly pinfalls her.

WINNAR: Manly men

AGAIN with the Horrible People backstage. Somehow, Retard thinks if they bring ratings up, they'll get bonuses. Exactly when and where was this mentioned at all? Madison Rayne thinks they should have a wardrobe malfunction. Lacey thinks they should just "wrassle". It went from trying to expose cunts and nipples, to not even trying. They then decide on kissing on television. Or something. They seem unaware that mud is disgusting and stinks.

Another video thing from before with Mick Foley at Barefoot Charlie's! It's nearly empty, and Foley says this is a disaster. This episode?! I AGREE! HAHA! Foley sees a woman and asks how he can get to Interstate 40 East. She says it's two streets down and take a right. He's all thank you and leaves, when he hears a voice say "Lookin for somebody?" and it's JEFF JARRETT! Then we cut off.

Has it really been 5 months since Jarrett was last around? Jarrett is magical---when he's around, we can't stand his ass. But when he's been gone this long, we miss him and want him back.

Speaking of ass, ODB is still drinking. She's on the nineteenth or ninetieth. She's just fine. She mocks whoever named the match trailer park shit. She slams beer on the floor and heads for the ring.

Tara vs ODB

Tara don't look drunk. No one can do drunken wrestling better than Sandman vs Jake Roberts. The Taz wants to let you know that if anyone vomits in this match, he will too. ODB offers a bucket to Tara to throw up. She takes it, pretending to need to, but just hits ODB with it. She then dropkicks her out of the ring. More hitting her with the bucket. She ain't drunk. She fetches a bamboo garden candle and beats on ODB with the handle. She dumps ODB in a wheelbarrow then gets a gatorade bucket, but ODB spits liquor in her face. Now ODB using police no-crossing tape to wrap around Tara and laugh and such. She then shoves her down, and smacks her with a cookie sheet. Tara says "Oh my God! Oh my God"

ODB shanks her with some kind of stick-like thing. A toilet plunger, Tenay points out. Then she throws Tara in. She sets up a ladder to catapult her into it. What kind of redneck trailer has a ladder in it? Jim-Bob just hoists Daddy up to fix the trailer's roof, and when he's done, he hops on down. ODB climbs the ladder, but then climbs off, and goes into the garbage can for a STEP LADDER! YES THIS IS MUCH BETTER ! She gets on it, and splashes Tara.

A pin did not work and some female people squeal in delight at Tara kicking out. ODB gets the bamboo garden candle and uses it to choke Tara on the turnbuckle with her sitting on it. Tara hoists it up, then chucks ODB off the turnbuckle. Some woman is screaming in the audience all alone. ODB and Tara try to trash can lid each other, but Tara's goes flying away. She just jacks ODB's and smashes the shit out of her with it. Scoop slam on ODP. She then goes for a standing moonsault with the trash can lid on ODB's gut.

Now she seems about to throw up, goes on the turnbuckle, but falls off so fakely I honestly thought her CHARACTER was faking it. Oy... ODB chokes her with a chain. By the way, Tara STILL has the police emergency tape all over her. She gets DDT'd on a steelchair and unceremoniously pinfalled.


LOL! They show a closeup of a bunch of females in the crowd. A black one is looking disgusted and shakes her head, while the others get up to leave. YAY TNA!

EARLIER THIS WEEK, Mick Foley confronts Jeff Jarrett. He says Jarrett looks like hell, and Jarrett says it's cos he's been living in hell. Foley says they go back to 1988, and he knows Jarrett cannot stay away from professional wrestling. Jarrett looks kind of like Woody Harrelson here. He says Ol' Double J couldn't stay away from wrestling... but Jeff Jarrett can. It was going good, but Jarrett's steady voice is overused and makes him look like he's not really fucked up, but just bored. Or something.

Speaking of boring, SHOCKING FOOTAGE OF CHRIS PARKS is so shocking, Spike TV won't air it! But they WILL air racism and sexism. Then again, ANY footage of Chris Parks is a misdemeanor bordering on felony.

Team 3D and company call out, and they say it's gonna be a handicapped match cos His Holy Father's jacket was jacked by Jesse Fail. And everyone knows Pope Blackadictus is powerless without his spiffy attire. The other three all enter together to Morganite's music.

Team 3Dicles, "That's the WAR MACHINE" Rhino, Jessica Fail vs Suicide, Matthias Morgan, Hernandez

After a commercial, we return to the match, where Morgan is beating on Rhino, then brought into the turnbuckle for Morgan's pad-less elbow thing from behind. Devon then tagged in to be beaten on by Morgan after Rhino escapes from further ass-shittery. Devon seems to gain an adavantage, but because he's black, he gets clotheslined. Suicide is tagged in, and Bruthe rRay is tagged in, and they lockup. Bruther Ray slams him into the turnbuckle and hugs him, then pulls away to try to punch but Suicide escapes and Bruther miisses.

Suicide tried to armdrag, but Bruther Ray stopped that shit cold but stopping cold. It doesn't matter anyway because Bruther Ray gets arm dragged a bunch anyway. Suicide then irish whips him, but gets reversed. Bruther runs at him, but he slips out of the ring, and tries to top rope, but Jesse Fail, after much hesitation, decides to shove him off, then throw him int he ring.

Bruther Ray boots Suicide in the face as he gets back up, then mocks Suicide's taunt. BIG TIME HAPPY FUN MOMENTUM SHIFT! Jesse Fail is tagged in and punches on Suicide and clubs him a bunch. Then he tags in Rhino. Rhino now beating on Suick, irish whips him, spears him on the turnbuckle, then slams him into the turnbuckle near his teammates and tags in the black guy for vengeance.

Bruther Devon punches on him a bunch, then chases off the referee and gains some heel heet. Irish whip sooick, but he comes out of the corner and dorpkicks Devon in the chest. Now people clap and people are all like "HOT TAG TIME ABOUNDING" and Jesse Fail gets tagged in in order to fail against Hernandez, who beats on all of them as they all come in because that is how hot tags work. Back body dorp on Jesse Fail, then shoves Rhino out, then clotheslines Devon out, but JESSE FAIL gets back up and beats on him, then tries to do a running attack and just gets shoved aside. He then jumps out of the ring to dive on the other three.

In the ring, Jesse Fail beats on Matthias, only to be picked up and finishered by Hernandez, but OH NOESZ it's a 2. Bruther Devon comes in to Full Nelson Bomb him. Now comes the point in time where tag team rules are ignored. Matthias carbon footprints Bruther, but Rhino belly to belly suplays, but Suicide top rope dropkicks, but Devon slams him, but Hernandez kicks him and gets on the top rope, and Devon tries to suplex, btu Hernandez pucnhes him away, gets off the turnbuckle, and picks Devon up for a Border Toss, but Jesse Fail spears Hernandez and pins him.

WINNAR: Failure

They7 all decide to stomp on Hernandez. Jesse Fail beats on Suicide, and Devon beats on Matt Morgan, and LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH here comes teh Pope with a leg wrapped in bandages and a big stick to club them with. They all just leave, though. D'ANGELO DINERO EARNS THAT DINERO!

Video package of Tyson Tomko exercising.

At ringside, raincoats have been put over the commentator's table, and the two of them are wearing raincoats and have umbrellas. I have to say, if they did this every week, it would be infinitely better. BOOK THAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!

The Horrible People vs Themselves

Mike Tenay mentions going to a Gallagher performance in 1988. Oy... The Taz then appeals to me, saying that this is the sort of match that would appeal to red blooded American Males, or females who... go there. That's right, I go there. I just love... mud. Ooooh mud.

They all pose all sexily around the kiddie pool of mud. Velvet grabs Lacey in what can only be called a TIGHT AS HELL Greco-Roman takedown which sees Lacey waddle and tip over. SHADES OF BRISCO VS FUNK! They roll about in the mud, clearly a back and forth action here! They try to get up, but Lacey gets back on her with a classical takedown and inverted Camel Clutch-type postition. They pause briefly to re-adjust the mud on their faces, then Velvet gets a catch-as-catch-can style takedown upon Lacey. Madison laughs, so they trip her up.

REFEREE SHENANIGANS! Velvet slides Lacey in a tight TIGHT as hell pinfall and wins it. Truly this was a match that went too short for it's own good.

WINNAR: Velvet Sky, master of the Greco-Roman Mud wrestling

Anyway, backstage here comes Jay Lethal for TV time. Victor Creed might get fired at this rate. Jay Lethal complains about not winning his match against two Jim Neidharts in one because he didn't have time to prepare for it. So Jay Lethal will prepare for it like the Legends do... by signing autographs in high school gyms, taking aside young guys and telling them how it ought to be! HAHAHA THAT'S EXACTLY HOW THEY DO IT! Lethal plans on doing this until he faces Hogan.

So tonight, AJ will face against a mystery dude of some sort.

Speaking of some sort, here is again with Mick Foley talking to Jeff Jarrett, saying Foley invested with TNA on Jarrett's behest, and says it was all going well until Carter partnered with Hulk Hogan. This somehow causes a catastrophe in Foley's investment. Jarrett is all like "ME? ME!? ME!" or something. He then says he founded TNA. He's sporting a funny hobo-beard-in-the-making. Foley's like "you brought about this on yourself" for disappearing from TNA and Jarrett says BULLSHIIIIIT! He tells Foley to leave, and Foley is all like "I miss the old Double J" and such. He then pulls the family card by saying "Why don't you let someone else raise your two little girls?"

Jarrett points out it is three girls. Then he tells Foley to sit down.

See, that last bit was actually quite good. As for the meeting with Ruby? I could have done with another two minutes of that. Old people out of their element are great.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Uganda bans female circumcision, the Kurdish party prepares to leave Turkish politics, Palestinian farmer was killed in a Gaza attack. Phillippines lifts martial law. Apparent suicide bombing kills 5 in Afghanistan. Blast kills 6 in town south of Baghdad. And Tiger Woods blocks publication of supposed nude photos of him.

AJ Styles vs Desmond Fail, who paid the most money to job to Styles

Kurt Mangled comes out to dominate this match's attention as AJ and Desmoy do some stuff in the ring. Fail slips out of a lockup and full nelson's AJ, then wristlocks him because he can't do anything else good. AJ armdrags him, but Desmond Fail keeps the wristlock on him.

And right here, Mr Mangled basically does what Desmond Fail failed to do last week: he says there will be only two falls in the match at Final Revolution, where he will beat Desmond twice. Thsi compared to Desmond stupidly saying there will be three falls, indicating his dumbshit ass will lose once.

Anyway, this match can come NOWHERE NEAR the level of that last mud match. AJ dropkicks Desmond at some point, then MOAR ARMLOCKS AND ARMWRENCHING. Desmoy Failington tries to throw AJ into the turnbuckle but AJ spins around and shoves him in, then whips him to the other one. He tries his super hero thing but Desmoy moves, then does an arm drop thing slam.

Fail takes control, and goes for ANOTHER wristlock on the ropes, but AJ beats on him, only to get shoved away. Desmond now with elbows on AJ on the turnbuckle, then tries to run at AJ only to get booted in the face, and now chops on Desmond repeatedly as he gets knocked down but gets up again, then gets backbreakered on AJ's knee. And somehow AJ hurt his arm. lolwut? He gets out of the ring and springboard forearms Desmond, only to get caught, but he floats over, and runs at him, but Fail kicks him in the noots. But since referees can do anything they want, he doesn't DQ it.

Desmond Fail is bleeding from his mouth again, which he does every match. Christopher then grabs Desmond Fail's leg, bringing distraction so AJ can slip in and pinfall him all cheaply. Christopher Daniels, I mean.

WINNAR: AJ Stylesz

Kurt Angle is the only one among the commentators to get it right: Christopher wants to beat AJ Styles for the championship, not a failsauce piece of fail like Desmond Wolfe. Fail is angry, and goes to try to fail on Christopher Daniels, who yells at him and such, then shoves him, only to prompt a fight between them which a shitload of referees come in to immediately push Desmond away, because he's the only failure and Chrsitopher Daniels can leave of his own accord.

Now with that boring "wrestling" over, here's the rest of that meeting with Jeff Jarrett and such! Foley is more concerned with Dixie Carter than Kurt ANgle. Foley says Dixie knows there would be no TNA without him, and thus she doesn't respect Foley. Foley says Jarrett should go into the iMPACT!Zone next week and Jarrett it up. Jarrett says "let's dew dis" and the episode ends.

Post-episode follow up, the annoying character was The Taz, for his blatant sexism, and continuing to be a true failure as a color commentator, as he is as stale as he ever was in the WWE. And just when Don West was getting great.

We get a "Screw the rules, we need ratings!" with the tag team clusterfuckery, and a "Look, we're foreshadowing!" blatantness with Big Roid Terry screwing up again and getting into tensions with the rest of the British people.

All in all I rate this episode a 2 out of 10. Boring, pointless, contributed nothing except for a classic technical wrestling classic in the form of Velvet Sky vs Lacey Von Erich.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).