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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(12/09/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Tonight, I bring you a show that took a whole of several days passionate work by so many people to bring together, all culminating in a half-drugged idiot writing semi-coherent thoughts on Notepad before e-mailing it to be displayed on a site for ALL ten of you out there to read.

Meanwhile, I bring you TNA recap!

Video recap tells of the MATT MORGAN versus Jeff Hardy thing, along with the match they had at Final Revolution where Anderson Anderson was guest glass referee, and Eric Bischoff dragging HURRDURR HIS SON Jackson James to make a count for the Jeff Hardy. That belt is ugly.

Backstage EARLIAR TODAY it's IMMORTAL with Eric Bischoff bitching about how Dixie Carter served a restraining order to prevent Hulk Hogan from meddling in TNA or something. Now Eric Bischoff makes AJ Styles stands up and buries him for losing his TV title. NO MORE LOSERS he says. That's bound to slice and dice Immortal quite a bit. Meanwhile, Rhino randomly appears like WHERE'S THAT CONTRACT YOU OFFERED ME A FEW WEEKS BACK!

Eric Bischoff gets a big green marker and writes on a piece of paper "NO!" with an underline. NO CONTRACT! YOU CAN READ THAT, RIGHT? PRETTY COLOR, BIG PRINTING? Eric Bischoff asks if he remembers the part where RVD beat him. He says he don't need losers, so get out. Rhino then attacks him and IMMORTAL attack him to drag him out. TNA at its best! Calling out a guy for losing and saying no more losers, then doing nothing with him, then calling out another guy for losing and saying no more losers, then having his ass thrown out and essentially fired. The same sort of logic that saw Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley, hired before Eric Bischoff, fired by Eric Bischoff, and Ric Flair, hired before Eric Bischoff, unable to be fired by Eric Bischoff because he was hired BEFORE Eric Bischoff.

Fuck this company.

Speaking of such, Bischoff and IMMORTAL come to the ring. He say it's with great honor and pride to introduce to us, the self-proclaimed ANTICHRIST of Pro wrestling, and the man who will be at the lips of wrestling fans for eternity, the man they call Jeff Harvey---HARDY! Fucking Mike Tenay says that Hardy is the MOST IMPORTANT WRESTLER IN THE UNIVERSE because he's TNA Champion. People chant HARDY SUCKS and Bischoff says REEESPECK! I WANT RESPECT RIGHT NAO! He say Jeff Hardy can only remain great if he's challenged by greatness.

So he's calling Matt Morgan great! Guh? Bischoff says Hardy defeated a man who was a WORTHY OPPONENT and invites down Matt Morgan. Matt Morgan comes out, wielding a pipe. He grabs a microphone on the way in and Bischoff's like MATT MATT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKIN, we talked about this, Matt? There's no need for a pipe! Nothing's gonna go wrong here for you tonight. See, because they're under the SCRUTINY of a judge in Texas. TNA from this point forward is about fair play.

Bischoff then says with all due respect to Hardy, Morgan COULD have beaten Jeff Hardy, and his loss had nothing to do with Morgan sucking, but had to do with him having a horseshit referee. You know, I believe he has a STRONG point here! Morgan did the right thing, Bischoff says, giving the fans what they wanted, challenge one of the greetest wrasslers in the bidness and came within an inch. Which is why after consulting with Jeff, Ric Flair, and someone who will remain nameless, they gonna sign a match; him versus Anderson Anderson and the winner gets a shot at Jeff Harvey---HARDY!

Morgan then says HANG ON HERE, he just spoke with Anderson last night, and HE'S STILL NOT MEDICALLY CLEARED TO WRESTLE! So this dream match isn't happening. Bischoff says if he doesn't wrestle, he can snuggle back to Green Bay and WALK AWAY FROM THIS BUSINESS! Either he wrestles yew, or he's done and fired and such. I wholeheartedly approve of this plan!

Backstage is ANderson Anderson, and... he looks perfectly fine.

INTRO VIDEO PACKAGE THING! Later tonight, MOAR MUSIC as... Tarantula performs live. Ughhhh. Also, OPEN DOUBLE-M A CHALLENGE issued by Jarrett.

Backstage somewhere, Bruther Ray says for the past 15 years he's proven he's the be-all and end-all of Team 3D and ANYBODY could've been Devon. Even a guy called Devo---- oh hell. Just as I was about to remark, he turns to a RANDOM BLACK GUY and says "Let's go Devon!" and RANDOM BLACK GUY says OH MY BROTHER TESTIFYYYY!

We have an announcement that Taylor MILDE and Hamada have been stripped of their titles due to being shitcanned. I mean, passport something or other. First match will be the actual tag team of the Beautiful People versus completely randomly matched Sarita and Daffney. Fuck you.

Team 3D (Brother Ray and RANDOM BLACK GUY) vs Ink Ink

Fuck all of you, I think this idea of a DEVON IMPOSTER is great. Team 3D ambushes the inky guys and attack them from behind and such. Bruther Ray tosses the mohawked guy over the ropes. Apparently RANDOM BLACK GUY is a student from the Team 3D wrestling school. When The Taz asked Bruther earlier on what his real name was, Bruther said Don't worry about it. He being called Devon2 by The Taz. Devon2 does Devon's move the spinning elbow thing! Devon2 stomps up on Shannon Moore, then shoves his head into Bruther Ray's foot on the turnbuckle.

Buh Buh then gets tagged in and he fats it up with Shannon Moore, misses a butt slam and yells like a BEHBEHHHH and grabs Shannon Moore before he can skitter away. He tells Devon2 LOUDLY what to do, and he scoop slams him, and goes for a headbutt, but he moves aside and Devon2 kind of flops over. People chant something incoherent, and Jesse Neal ends up in. He beats up Devon2, then punches Bruther Ray off the apron, and pin gets 2 on Devon2.

Irish whip on Devon2 and he's drop toe holded, then legdorpped, then Shannon Moore pin gets 2 as Bruther Ray drops an elbow on him. Shannon Moore gets his face pushed on by Bruther Ray's hand. He then scoop slams Jesse Neal and makes Devon2 go for a headbutt again. He hits it just fine, then tells Devon2 to do the dance. RIGHT DOWN TO THE "TESTIFY"! He then shoves Devon2 and does the DEVON GET THE TABLES thing. Devon2 goes to get the tables and the people chant the same incoherent chant.

Bruther Ray and Bruther Devon2 set up the table, but then Inkink attack them and Jesse Neal puts Devon2 on his shoulders for Shannon to flip and Moopgasm him. Then pinwins on Devon2.

WINNAR: Inkin

Bruther Ray backs away from Devon2, in order to kick him in the head. He then picks him up, and puts him in a position for like a piledriver, when GENERIC RANDOM MUSIC HITS! And it's Brother Devon running out. Bruther Ray runs, and hides behind SoCalVal.

Backstage, Tara is practicing her horrible horrible singing, and the Hardly Boys appear, apparently going to be her dancers. Ughhhhhhh... she gropes Matt Buck's tits. UGgggggghhhh... She gawks at their asses as they go. UGUGUGUGHJGHUHGUHGUGUGUUGhhhhh..

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Share condoms why not

Here to perform her shitty song Broken, here be TARA! Ehh... she's pretty blatantly lip syncing. No, let me take that back; she's not even lip syncing. Most of the time she's not even trying. She mostly stares at the Hardly Boys, who are dancing... really badly. Then she dances... really badly.

I mean. I can't. I...

Anyway, in case you were stupid, the whole reason for this stupid segment arrives and attacks Tara from behind. The Bucks then hold her down so Tara can attack her. Eric Young then comes out to fall on Mickie James and distract the THOSE GUYS while Mickie James and Tara brawl down the ramp and to the ringside mat. Security then comes out to break them up, but really, this is a fucking comedy feud now. How the fuck can you ever take Tarantula seriously ever again? Well, who took her seriously to begin with?! HUH!?!?

Mickie James somehow ends up in the ring and invites Tara to come in to wrestle. Security holds her back, but not Mickie James. She says security is always breaking up their fights and Tara obviously can't handle it by herself, so it should be them in a steel cage match. TONIGHT. Then her shitty shitty music plays.

Backstage, Beer Money talks to Captain Murphy and Gunnaz for them to SEND A MESSAGE and rough up the Motor City Machine Guns. In order to let them know their tag team championships will belong to Beer Money by Genesis. The same Beer Money that did a 4 out of 5 epic tournament match thing with them months earlier? No wait, I'm wrong; apparently SECURITY GUISE are going to be in a match with them. Hurrdurr.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Hippopotamoi kill more people than any other big animal in Africa

Backstage somewhere, Jarrett talks about how EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT his epic victory against Samoa Yusuf and such. And tonight he gonna offer money to someone to answer his DOUBLE-M A challenge.

NWA GUISE (Gunner and Murphy) vs Motor City Machine Guns

Beer Money comes out arbitrarily. I should mention earlier that James Storm begged Roode for 20 dollars for another beer run. EXCRUCIATINGLY SUBTLE SIGN OF TAG TEAM BREAKUP? Subtlty? In MY TNA? Storm joins commentary with Roode standing behind him as the NWA GUISE ambush the Gunnaz. Storm does a good joke with What do you call a woman with only two front teeth? A bottle opener. HAHAHAHAHA. Storm says they like Nostradamus, they can predict the future! And he's just as drunk and incoherent as Nostradamus, too!

Meanwhile in the ring, one of the NWA GUISE beats up on Alex Shelley some. Then a... I'd say chinlock, but it looks more like he's trying to pull his head off. Apparently Robert Roode paid for the NWA GUISE to do their dirty work. Based on them being two big guys. Storm says the Machine Gunnaz reminds him of a six pack of Zima, you just wanna DRINK em up! <3! Meanwhile, in the match you don't care about, the other NWA GUISE beats up on Shelley some, then taunts Sabin. He then chokes Shelley against the turnbuckle and tags in the other guy.

Storm mocks them for being at home playing on their Nintendos while Beer Money is drinkin and beatin people up in bars and such. Sabin then in to beat up on both NWA GUISE with lots of shoves and such. He pulls down the top rope so one of them can fall otu of the ring, then kicks the other NWA guy in the turnbuckle. Storm says they don't have any respect for each other. One of the NWA GUISE brings in a nightstick to thwap Chris Sabin with.

WINNAR: Motor City Machine Gunnaz

Showing what failures the NWA GUISE are, Shelley snatches his nightstick away and BEATS UP on him. Sabin then gets ANOTHER stick and beats up on them. They then put their title belts on top of one of them and hit the belt.

Backstage, The Beautiful People playing int he mirror when NUMBER SIX arrives, but this time VELVET CAN SEE HER TOO HURRDURR! She wnats to wish Angelina luck tonight, teehee. Velvet's like WHO'S THAT and Angelina's like that's the girl I was talking about that no one can see, etcetera. Pseudo-lesbian shenanigans abound in their back and forth. Fridge Logic then hits... ALL OF THAT SHIT WAS CAUGHT ON TELEVISION, YOU STUPID FUCKS! DO YOU NOT WATCH YOUR OWN FUCKING SHOW, VELVET SKY? DID YOU NOT SEE THEM ON TV?!

Elsewhere backstage, Sarita and Daffney wander down the halls.

ELSEWHERE backstage, Matt Morgan finds Anderson Anderson, who says he gonna wrestle. Morgan's all like WUT YOU CAN'T! Anderson Anderson's like Do I have a choice? And Morgan's all freaking out and such, because he's the Face this month! He mocks Bischoff's idea of having people wrestling with CONCUSSIONS for teh ratings! Anderson Anderson says he's appreciative of Matt sticking up for cripples, but they're just wrestlers, and every once in a while you get a little OWEE in the back of the head. Morgan remarks a concussion is not like that, but ANderson is more beloved than Morgan, so what message does this send the chitlins? CONCUSSIONS ARE JUST OWEES! LIKE A HEADACHE!! HAHAHAHA!

Morgan says Anderson is a STUBBIRN SON OF A BITCH and he gonna get himself hurt. Anderson's then like You gonna hurt me, Matt? Huh? Huh? and Morgna's like WOW ujnbelievable, Ken.

Before this next match starts, Sarita gets on the microphone, while everyone chants for Daffney. Sarita says this is starting to become a joke. Every time Velvet gets into trouble, she runs back to Angelina. I... what? Where did this come from? Sarita says she kicked Velvet's scrawny little ass TWICE in front of everybody. W... when? Did I miss this? Was it on TNA Splosion? Rob Brown WHERE ARE YOU?! She was gonna ask when she's gonna grow herself a pair, but gets tackled down.

Daffney and Sarita vs The Beautiful People

Fuck you, you owe me the car.

WINNAR: The Beautiful People

Sarita gets on the microphone like It doesn't matter Velvet, say what you want you STILL didn't beat me you'll never beat me, etcetera. Yeah, Daffney was the one who got pinned. SURPRISED? I SURE WISH I WAS!

Backstage, a bunch of black guys dressed in black slowly cart a casket along.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I used to think Tara was like the Kevin Nash or Hulk Hogan of the Knockouts with regards to in-ring ability. I still do, but it's less obvious.

When we return, the black guys bring the casket out to sad-time music, then they open it up and HAPPY TIME MUSIC plays. Suddenly, a congregation of black people in big red churchy robes come dancing out, pretending to be singing the black church music in the background. His Holy Darkness then comes upon the microphone, saying FEAR NOT CONGREGATION! For even though he lost and was put in a casket, THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING! Because when he was in the casket he was surrounded by darkness, and that darkness was without light, but then he had an awakening. And the time has come, much like MOSES DID FOR THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL!

POPE IS GOING TO LEAD HIS CONGREGATION TO NEW HEIGHTS! HEIGHTS NEVER SEEN BEFORE! He say there's a little boy, there's a little girl sitting in an urban residence somewhere, some with only one mom, some with only one dad, and we are heading into the holiday season. Some may have a Christmas tree, but then again there are many that will only have a Christmas twig. So he wants the Congregation to REACH DOWN into those pockets of yours, and JOIN IN ON THIS DONATION to hep those less fortunate.

For this marks a NEW BEGINNING OF THE CONGREGATION BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT WITH POPE THERE IS HOPE BECAUSE POPE IS PIMPING!

Hey wait a minute, he's trying to hustle us out of money!

Meanwhile, backstage, AJ Styles yells at Abyss, about all how that guy who beat him stole it from him. I don't even remember who he wrestled. I want to say Doug Williams, but I might be wrong. Oh wait, I am right. I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, YOU FUCKIN WEIRDOS.

Video package for TNA performing in front of ROYALTY in United Arab Emirates. Pope was there, too!

Backstage, Mickie James jabbers to the camera, but I can't really tell what she's saying because people in the halls elsewhere are yelling loudly and almost drowning her out, just enough to render whatever she's saying incomprehensible.

TNA Television Championship
Abyss vs Douggle Ass Williams (C)

Abyss starts by pushing him away. TEH DOUGLAS then sort of pops him in the stomach, then some back and forth and such. Abyss in the corner and TEH DOUGLAS punches him up. Elbow slam into him, then he gets up on him and punches on him. Abyss drops him down, then TEH DOUGLAS headbutts and knees to the face, but Abyss boots him in the face. Abyss takes control enough to put him in the corner. Abyss then bops him on the chest, and picks him up and irish whips him into a corner and he bumps off of it and falls. TEH DOUGLAS takes control some, headbutt and stuff on him in the corner, then does that Desmond Fail move that always fails but doesn't fail this time because he isn't a failure. He bops Abyss down and pin gets 2.

Abyss gets up and TEH DOUGLAS wraps his arms around him, and thrusts him into the corner. Abyss grabs the padding, and rips it off completely. TEH DOUGLAS then backs away, and Abyss runs at him, misses, and hits the exposed turnbuckle. Shitty pinwins on Abyss then.

WINNAR: Teh Douglas Williams

AJ Styles ambushes him from behind and beats up on him. He then Styles Clash him on the ramp. Meanwhile backstage, Jeff Jarrett prepares for his DOUBLE-M A CHALLENGE!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Apparently this

Somewhere early in the day, Jeremy Borash, with dark brown hair, blindfolded Eric Young and put him on a plane for 17 hours. WHAT FUCKING AIRPLANE SERVICE LETS PEOPLE COME ONTO A PLANE BLINDFOLDED THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME? All just to come to this place... JC Penney. Eric Young's favorite store. JB is like, did he honestly think he brought him here just to a JC Penney? No. Apparently he brought him to the tallest building in the world, in Dubai, United Arab Emirates.

WOW JB! For Eric Young's birthday you... brought him to the same place TNA was going anyway. WHAT A GIFT! Eric Young says they have to move here. YAY SHENANIGANS WITH MUSLIMS!

Backstage, Tara bitches about Mickie James and a cage match. Up close like this, she looks way old. Like, in her 50s. And she sounds like she's in her 50s. THOSE GUYS are there too. Max Hardy is like Eric Young had to screw things up, so go get his GIRLFRIEND Orlando Jordan and they'll wrassle next week.

Speakin'a wrasslin:

DOUBLE J'S DOUBLE-M A CHALLENGE HAHA! Who will answer the shifty little challenge and tap tap tap out to JE DOUBLE F? Who is not for real enough? Jarrey gets on the microphone to say how Sunday night at Final Restitution, and says FOR THE LAST TAAM I DIDNT SELL OUT! I BOUGHT IN! Sunday at Final Restitution, the entire world of wrestling found out that he is the most FEARED athlete in the world today! Cos if you're facing Jarrett in the ring, your career is teh pits. Now it's taam for him to up the ante. He's in a giving mood, so he's gonna give SOMEONE here in the iMPACT Zone the opportunity to make something of themselves.

Cuz he's throwin out the first ever, and I quote: "DOUBLE J DOUBLE-M A CHALLENGE", that's what he called it. He'll pay $100,000. Jay Bee gets in with the microphone, all like LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT REAL QUICK he's throwing down a challenge anyone man woman or child who can make him tap tap tap out will get $100,000. CAN THEY EVEN AFFORD THAT MUCH? Jay Bee points out a mildly muscular man, and Jeff Jarrett's like NO he's al gassed up and he'd get blown up quick. THen a big fat guy and Jarrett says to get another beer. He's drunk right now!

They then start pointing out a bunch of people, and point out some black guy who is all wirey and such. PLANT! PLANT! IS IT A PLANT? IS HE A PLANT? PLANT? PLANT! PLANT! PLANT! PLANT! IS THAT A PLANT? He then has to look into the camera and say he's over 18 and understnad this is an exhibition of a physical nature, and he can win 100,000 dollars.

Jeff Jarrett vs SOME GUY

Jarrett then says HEY BOAY (cuz he's black) and he's from Brooklyn New York, same like me, and Jarrett's like You think this is a joke, don't you! You better take more than that hat off, you better take those glasses off. He then bitchslaps him a bunch and gets the referee in and starts kneeing him in the chest, and drops him down and starts DOUBLE-M A punching him. He then gets on his back and bops his head. Then puts him in a Cock-in-a-clutch and he tap tap taps out. He was not For Real enough.

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett

The hundred thousand dollars REMAINS with Jeff Jarrett! The X division roster will be paid another month!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Jeff Hardy smoke rock

When we return, video package of Rob Van Dam and such. Then match

Mickie James vs Tara

Since this is, like a CAGE match, Mickie James leaves the cage and attacks Tara outside. They brawl some. Then Mickie James clotheslines Tara down. Now she puts her in the ring. As they start in the ring, this is of course PERFECT TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK! Yes, that soon. I would skip it, but fuck you.

Back from commercials, Tara now has Mickie James up in a DVD position and does some spinny drop thing and pin gets 2. Tara slowly picks Mickie up and tries to throw her into the cage but Mickie slips away and Tara awkwardly grips the rope. Mickie James drops her, then clotheslines her down a bunch. Irish whip reversed by Tarantula, and she throws a weird-looking swing that misses and Mickie dropkicks her in her ugly face and pin gets 2.

Tara crawls some, and Mickie approaches to be tripped up into the turnbuckle Tara then pulls her back and snap suplays. Then into a headlock thing. Tara in the corner and Mickie shoulderblocks her some, but then Tara turns it around and such. Mickie somehow ends up outside the ropes, between the cage and it, and gets kicked in the face. Tara then slams Mickie James into the cage. The Taz makes wise remarks about female wrestlers and the prestige of these two main eventing TNA iMPACT and such.

Meanwhile, Mickie James rams Tara's ugly face in the metal end of the cage, and they stand on the turnbuckle, and Mickie James puts her crotch in Tara's face, and shoves herself into her, into like... a powerbomb thing, but it was nasty for both of them. Mostly for Tarantula, actually. KEBANG.

Tarantula gets up first and drives a boot into Mickie James, then slams her head on the mat. Mickie James puts her foot on Tarantula, and Tarantula shoves her away, then picks her up and throws her into the cage door for... delayed sound reaction. Or something. It sounded delayed. She then throws Mickie James into the other side cage wall. She then puts her hand on Mickie James' face, and goes to crawl out the door, but Mickie NOSELLS and dashes across to pull Tara away. Now on top of Tara and punching her up.

Tara now knees her in the face and lets her drop in the middle of the ring. Tara slowly picks up Mickie, then goes for a Widow's Peak but Mickie James slides out, then throws Tara into the cage wall, which makes no sound. Mickie then throws Tara into the other side's cage. She's holding her elbow now! Mickie kicks Tara as she gets up, then throws her into the corner. Mickie then punchy her up some. Tara now trying to escape, but Mickie James gets up and elbows her.

Mickie James then puts herself in a position to do that Hurricanrana-type thing she was gonna do before, but just kicks at Tara a bunch, right in the fake tits. Tara then falls off. Mickie gets to the top of the cage, and turns inwards, to jump off onto Tara. Way better than the shitty thing Gail Kim jumping on Miss Jackie that one time in Lockdown 2007.

WINNAR: Mickie James

TNA YAY: Eh... the cage match wasn't as awful as the one from Lockdown 2007 with two females!

TNA BOO: The cage match was lame and tame

TNA WTF: What happened to that Morgan vs Anderson match?

Well you dumb bashtards, that's it for this week, bitch. See you at the SLAMMYS.

Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).