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Today's encounter with the inevitable duties of a half-fortnight I must undertake for the continued benefits of what is only mockingly called "employment" lead to a problem of which a solution could only work to harm one or more parties; either sacrifice something on my own, or forcibly inflict sacrifice upon your own heads with the usual total disregard for your own enjoyment:

Should I watch TNA iMPACT! or watch reruns of Star Trek on Blu Ray I had been watching months ago and thus are still sharp in my mind and wouldn't really benefit me to watch again save to be that stupid jerkbag who sits on the couch when the kids want to watch something like Obama's speech to the West Point cadets, but you're hogging the TV watching, well, Star Trek?

Would that in fact be an indication that I am comparing TNA iMPACT! to US President Barack Obama and his speechifying abilities? Of course not, that is myth. The indication there is that I was too stupid to come up with a proper comparison, so I re-used the old one.

What does that mean for YOU? It means I liberally stole passages from Canadian Bacon articles to submit an online review for Inflatable Toast. So if the Bacon tries to sue me for sexual harassment or copyright violation or whatever, I can claim I was not plagiarizing, but citing him---or rather, paraphrasing, since I never directly cite him, but delete all instances of his own name without replacing them with my own.

That, gentle jerkwads, is but one method of avoiding plagiarism, but certainly not the best.

Speaking of not the best, here is the TNA intro with MOAR Hulk Hogan shilling, because nothing else matters except Hulk Hogan talking about TNA and Mick Foley whining about being replaced by him. STOP SHOOTING, FOL---oh, that's supposed to be the storyline? And here I was thinking art was imitating life. And by "imitating" I mean "Collect your paychecks while you can, because it's only a matter of time before Hogan gets you fired for talking ugly at the Nasty Boyz or some other 80s mainstays I've never heard of"

Speaking of people the people outside of wrestling have never heard of, Jeff Jarrett is finally mentioned on a list of people next to Dixie Carter on a graphic with Sting and Hulk Hogan.

And speaking of everlasting suck, here is Nigel McFail with his shitty puns like "Mr Mangled" and inside a steel cage in the ring. He gives the devil his due, he did tap out to Kurt Angle. Satan is displeased, and demands a full reconciliation. Desmond Fail then rips off Roddy Piper, and talks about doing something week after week but I forgot what because I was busy doing nothing. Desmond claims his British phlegm is tasty, and he will end Kurt Angle after giving him another taste. Yay gay! He's a horrible promo-giver. He says at Final Restitution, he and Kirk Mangled will fight in a 3 Gimmicks of Pain match, which is basically the thingy Triple H does where it's first pin is normal, then street fight, then steel cage, but in a different thing.

Desmoy says he will embarass Kirk three times in one night, apparently forgetting the concept of 2 out of 3 falls, or else pretty much admitting he will fail at least once, which only solidifies just why he is called Desmond Fail. Because he's a failure.

Kirk Mangled comes out, and Fail locks the cage like a chickenshit Randy Orton. Mangled is all like "Oh look, I'm in my wrestling gear!" and I'm all like "Are you sure? Let me check. I see you are!" Then he says he will beat up Desmoy Fail, and Fail panicks while Angle riggles on the cage, then decides to climb on it. He then starts punching and European Uppercuts the other guy, who pulls William Regal out of his panties, and smacks Angle in the cheek with them. Brass Monkey attack is followed by Fail throwing Mangled at the steel cage wall thing. Then he does it again.

Sometimes I think I'm watching this show, but that either I'm totally missing it, or I have absolutely no business judging wrestling, because this Desmond Wulf guy is supposed to be some kind of sneaky young guy out to kill the old cripple, but all I see is a British Rawidth="630"John Cena/Triple H merging. Sure he sneakily takes him out from behind and such, but he never really ever does anything effective. He loses cleanly to the guy first time around, then decides the next best solution is proverbial suicide attacks, such as disqualifying himself AND Angle from that tournament King of the Ring thing last week, which didn't make any fucking sense for him to disqualify HIMSELF if he was out to disqualify Angle from the start.

Kurt Angle goes into Mick Foley's office, complaining about the stuff that happened, and demanding a match. Mick Foley says yes... IF he can tell him moar about Hogan. Angle says he knows nossing, then says Foley is jealous of Hogan or something. I'd be more clear, but honestly, I was looking at Mick Foley with his shaggy hair and eye patch, and I was thinking this:

That's seriously the best fucking thing I've seen all week.

Person of the Williams family line given the primary name of Douglas, shortened here to Doug vs Alex Shelley

Referee Slippery Penis sends the Brythonic hooligans back and away, because they are British. But then LVCIVSIVNIVSBRVTVSMAGNVS attacks Chris Satan from behind! Oh no! Catastrophe! Someone do something and call somebody! Tomfoolery and shenanigans! But instead, TEH DOUG beats on Shellith from behind, and irish whips, but Shelley reverses, then springboard enzuigiri's him, then suicide dives him when he slips out of the ring.

TEH DOUG is put back in, then Alexander Shelley gets back in and cross body dives on him for a successful 2 count. Now time for chopping on his chest, then irish whip, but SHENANIGANS ABOUT and he puts Shelley in a variation of the Gory Special, slams him onto the turnbuckle, and dorpkicks him. People begin to remind the wrestlers in the ring that they are in fact in the nation known as the United States of America, and the Doug person gives a backbreaker to the Alex person, and tries to wrench his back a bit. SHellith tries to break out, but TEH DOUG stops that shit cold with a punch. Or a kick. I forgot.

Now Alex Shelley gets elbows on his forehead, then irish whipped from one turnbuckle to another. He tries to boot Douglas, but he just shoves his foot away, and cuntpunts him. TEH WILLIAMS then runs at him for some kind of Elijah Express type move, what with the running, but Shellith slips out of the way, and he starts to gain momentum from some quick cheap taunts, then punching and kicking on him.

By the way, time out here. What retard in the marketing department decided the World Elite's logo would be best made out as "W/E"? As in turning the name of their faction, the Greatest warriors of the entire World, the top of the top, cream of toppings, and rendering it into a lazy-ass contraction of total apathy? And to make it even worse, the E is backwards. What are they, fucking emotionally handicapped?

Oh hey, Alex Shelley tries a Fireman Carry thing but Williamsz rolls through, but SHelley enzuigiri's him, then gets a successful 2 count. Now Shellith picks him up like in a Dragon Sleeper, but Williams shoves him away when he tries to aim for a Sliced Bread. Frederick Douglas then hits an elbow from the top rope, backs away, and goes to bronco bust his knee on Shelley's head, and roll him over for a 2 count. Wasn't exactly aggressive with that pin cover, says The Taz. Twas unbecoming. And if I were in thosepants, I'd be coming too. Haha, see what I did there? Shut up with your "That doesn't make sense"

Also, Shelley manages to counter lazy Doug's stuff, and gets a Sliced Bread and pins him for a 3 count, which is really what he should have done the first time around instead of going for a 2 count.

WINNAR: Alexei Shelleyiv

Backstage, His Holy Blackness comes in the darkness to find Suicide. Suddenly his hatred of Suicide is forgiven, for He is Holy and He Be Pimpin'. He comes before the Suicidal one to join his team against the Heels at the pay per view upcoming and such. His Holiness has brought a gift for him---a triangular shard of a table, apparently the one which Suicide jumped through onto His Holy Blackness. It even has a little picture of the Pope and his signature on the bottom side, that's sweet.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is no one in scenarios like "The Condemned" and such smart enough to just work together and not kill each other? Does it not take a bit of brain power and a natural fear of killing to realize that they can't do shit to you if you choose not to play their game? Then what, you can either find them and kill THEM or they can come out and try to kill you, and then what? You go and kill them because you are many and they aren't. Unless they are many, in which case you have a better chance of trying to kill them all and be all "I'm a hero yay!" instead of trying to be the only person surviving of your group.

Lol look it's D'Lo Brown, here to do absolutely nothing. He's irritated because Foley apparently dragged him here without offering a job interview. No idea why he's asking him about Hogan. Did I miss something in his history? He says Dixie Carter's only reason for bringing Hogan in is to help TNA. He then asks if he can please be dismissed Mr. Foley, because oh lawdy loo, massa's gonna whup me if I's late to mah appantment pickin' up massah's cotton gin!

Speaking of racism, here's Homicide out wearing a bulletproof vest. Because selling someone who is from Brooklyn MUST wear shit like he's going into a gang war. Because obviously I'm from Brooklyn and I must go into the ring wearing police tape around my breasts and a leather miniskirt with a zipper in the back for quick back-door access. Or a bulletproof vest. THe point is, you're gonna die in Brooklyn.

Kill vs Seppuku

Suicide gets Homicide first with a German suplex, then a headlock, which Kill shifts over into a headlock, and is shifted again so Suicide can springboard from the turnbuckle and bring Homicide off his feet. Homicide shoves him off, so Suicide knocks back into him. Suicide gets down onto Homicide instead of running and jumping over him.

Suicide then puts Homicide in a Crossface. The irony is indescribable. Homicide slowly gets up, Suicide tries to springboard thing but Homicde shoves him away, then throws his headband thingy on Suicide. DISQUALIFICATION, NEGROW!

But since apparently the referee has total control over the rules of the match, he decides not to DQ, just like that time he let Samoa Joe get beat up by Bobby Lashley because he asked the referee to let him. Michael Tenay then decides to be racist and prejudiced against an entire city by claiming Homicide's New York City gang roots have brought out violence in him. FUCKING MIKE TENAY I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, THEN ME AND MY HOMIES ARE GONNA RAPE YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND TORCH YOUR FUCKIN' HOUSE. EAST SIDE, HONKY-ASS BITCH!

Homicide decided to try to grip on Suicide's head a bit, prompting him to decide to punch Homicide in the head, but he scoop slams Suicide and pinfails. He then decides now he should try to unmask him. He grabs Suicide's chin, and Suicide kicks Homicide in the face. Now they run about, and Suicide backkicks, dropkicks, irish whips, gets reversed, hops over and X-Factors him. SUSPICIOUS! Irish whip Homicide again, they try something, but Homicide just stops him frozen, and Gringo Cutters him. A pinfall doesn't work, so now Homicide punches and uppercuts, then irish whips.

Back elbow misses, and Suicide hugs him, so Homicide swerves into a schoolboy which gets a 0, then they both get up, Suicide dropkicks him, and tries to pin him. He then points a fake gun to his head, indicating he will resolve this match by committing his name. Instead, Homicide decides to counter him and try to kill him, presuming he is indeed a Caucasian. Otherwise, it's just a "Killer". Suicide decides negroes aren't worth finishers, so he just backslides him and wins.

WINNAR: Suicide

Homicide immediately attacks him, because that's how we roll in Brooklyn, bitch-ass Tenay. Homicide starts tearing at his mask and gets it up just enough for us to see he has no beard. The Pope then runs in and Homicide leaves. His Holy Blackness is like trying to help Suicide, because he can still be forgiven and absolved of his sin, but Suicide is all like "Raaargh" so His Holy Blackness attempts to rally his followers to attempt to convert him. Suicide maintains his lifestyle of lack of life by pointing his fingers to his head. He'd sooner die than convert to Christianity! That can be arranged, BOOM Crusade on Antioch, Damascus, and Jerusalem. Is Suicide from there? Who fucking cares!

Real Life True Story: A Crusade was called by the Venetians in Medieval times on Egypt, home of the Ayyubid Sultanate, which had just beaten them in the Third Crusade, and the Pope explicitly stated they should only attack Muslims, and not Christians. So the Venetians, being stupid, gathered a shitload of allies, and completely buttfucked the Pope's orders and arbitrarily attacked Constantinople, capital of the Greek Orthodox Church.

Moral of the story: Jews somehow got involved. This based on a not even cursory glance at Wikipedia so much as just arbitrarily scrolling down a page on the guy in charge of the Fourth Crusade.

Walking around topless backstage is the Horrible People, who run into Christopher Daniels, who has a perfect plot for their third movie Mean Girls part 3. He then apparently insinuates a gangbang and they agree. That IS what discussing movie plots are about, I presume.

ODB gets another segment thing of her talk show with TARA on it, the winner of that tournament thing and opponent to her thing. ODB drops the WWE word and calls her a Diva and kind of makes fun of her for it, then insults her, claiming the Knockouts have been working for 7 years in TNA, which I guess since the Knockouts began in 2007, and it has 7 in it, and she said 7 years, that kind of makes sense if you're a retard.

Tara cries and whined, saying she broke her contract with the WWE to come here, and how she became a laughingstock training Barbie dolls in the WWE. STOP SHOOTING, TARANTULA! ODB is all like "I'm sorry" then she slaps her, mounts her, and punches her head. A pack of bikers pull her off and she's all like screaming and making Tara run away and scream like a WWE Diva.

The Taz smuggly says he thought he was getting flashbacks because Jesse Fail's new music began with a WWF Tazz music ripoff heartbeat thing. Also, his bottomplate thing says he's 6'0", 6'4" with mohawk. Oy...

Jessica Neal vs His Holy Blackness Pope Italia

They lockup, and Fail knees Black, then armwrenches him from behind, only for Black to swerve out, then slam him down. He runs at Fail, who back body dorps him up, then shoulderblocks him out of the ring when he tries to attack from the apron. Fail throws Black back in, pinfails as his name suggests. Fail punches, then kicks a nigga when he's down. Black gets up, only to be punched in the corner, but Blackness rises, kicking and punching! Only for Fail to beat him back down, then slam him down with a running attack, then a taunt to secure an extra momentum boost.

He then tries to rip His Holy Face off His face on the ropes, but he escapes. Now Fail pounds on hjim, and tries to do a move which I forgot what it's called. Started with a powerbomb, then dropped him on his shoulder. Black now being splattered all over with Fail's failure punches. Fail irish whips him, thenr uns into bare turnbuckle because His Holy Blackness ran out of the way. He then pulls down his knee pads to do an Elijah Express and it wins.

WINNAR: His Holy Blackness Pope D'Angelo Dinero I the Black

Jesse Fail decides to attack His Holy Blackness from behind, then spears him. See, because he's like a spearchucker or something? The lights come out, and Suicide jumps off the turnbuckle to dorpkick Failure out of the ring. His Holy Blackness backs into Suicide and is all stumped and such when he extends his hand and such and they shake hands like all friendly and all of a sudden Team 3D and Rhinocerous and Failure re-enter the ring, only for Hernandez and Matt Morgan to slide in, and the fat old guys to just leave. If I could earn my weekly paycheck doing just that, I'd be doing a lot more than I currently do for a paycheck. But it'd be for more money!

When we return from commercials, apparently Kevin Nash is a new member of World Elite, or whatever.

MORE HULK HOGAN SHILL PROMO exactly the same as the past few weeks. Everything he says is a lie.

Whatever vs Beer and Money

It starts with the bald fuck and the bearded guy. The bearded one punches, then irish whips, gets reversed, and clotheslines Eric. Now tag in Roode so tthey can doubleteam with lots of elbow and knee drops. Two, exactly. One of each. Rick then chops on Eric, punches, and irish whips. He ducks his head so Eric can kick him, but then spinebusterers him after more running by him. A pin attempt has a 2 count to it, and Eric gains control somehow, and tags in Kebin, so he can punch Roode.

Kevin then clubs his back, and tells James Storm to come get him. In a way that warms my heart with love, he jumps over the ropes and just knocks the fucking shit out of Kevin Nash, punching on him. Nash flees the ring, and now Eric Jung beats on Roode outside. He sure as hell didn't pin Eric, so I guess they're moving up that period of just completely ignoring tag team rules early. Just to be obnoxious, Eric tags in Kevin Nash.

Kevin does his lazy-ass turnbuckle stuff involving slow motion knees to the gut. VINTAGE KEVIN NASH! Michael Tenay decides to call it "Familiar". Fucking Michael Cole. Kevin tags in Eric, who scoop slams Rick Rude, then elbowdrops on him, and pins, but he shoves Eric off of him. He picks up Rick, only for Rude to slap him, thenr un at him and schoolboy him. But Eric gets up and clotheslines him, then pinfails.

Kevin Nash gets tagged in again, because my fingers were hurt from so much typing. He drops Roode on the ropes all snake-eyesy. Then Roode gains control, slapping at him, but then Kevin knees him in the gut, and irish whips Roode into the turnbuckle. He tries to clothesline but fails, so tags in Eric Young. Roode boots him away, then tags in James Storm like a brewery of fire! He beats on Eric, bakc body drop, then slams into Nash's face. James Storm now beating on Eric, and does an Back Cracker on him for a two count, because Kevin Nash fell on him.

Nashicles irish whips Roode into a turnbuckle and gets booted in the face. Roode gets on the rope and does his top rope neck snap thing. Eric then comes to clobber on James Storm and Roode just fucking walks away. But that's okay because he gets over Eric quickly, does his Eye of the Swift finisher thing, and pinfails. He then tunes up his band all Shawn Michaels-y, and Kevin Nash is clearly not amused as he smacks at James Swift's legs, only to be caught by Eric Young in an ordinary piledriver.

WINNAR: whatever

Because their name is "w/e", Mick Foley just interrupts their exist music and comes out to be all like "I know you know exactly why Hulk Hogan is coming here" etcetera on Kevin Nash. Foley confronts his arse in the ring and Kebong is all like "You should have got yourself a decent haircut and suit" instead of buying TNA stock, because in a couple of weeks, it will come in handy because he'll have to look for a job. See? I was right. Nash is all like Foley is paranoid like a guy who's exited an Amsterdam coffee shop for the first time. I fail to see how getting some coffee and crumpets in Dutchland will make you paranoid.

Foley demands Hulk Hogan's phone number, and Kevin Nash says Hogan told him not to give it to him. Haha. He then says Hogan does not like idle threats, and he don't like bullies, because he is one---I mean because there's only room for one when he's around---I mean, because they're mean. Nash then insinuates nWo-ness by saying he's thinking about putting the old band back together.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Caution, here be Bobby Lashley, in one of the worst and ugliest outfits of a black shirt and brown blazer over it. He brought his wife out, because no one will do anything to try to stop Steiner from trying to rape her. I know how it feels with Anthony Dean.

Bobby tries to look all serious and angry, but come on. It's Bobby Lashley. All the jokes have been said. Kristal then takes the microphone to do some talking. She calls Steiner sick, delusional, and obsessed. And all she wanted to do was come watch the show and support Bobby Lashley, not be raped by an old man on steroids. She says she never has to put up with this shit at MMA fights. Ooooh, hide your women, wrestling fans! It's safer to go see MMA fights, because MMA fighters have that cage around them to prevent them from running out and raping you. Or because they're gay. I prefer the gay one. I mean, I prefer the gay MMA fighter, because he's hot.

She says when she barks, Bobby Lashley bites, and such.

Backstage comes Christopher Daniels, who is remarkably shiny, as though sweating from that gangbang. He can smell and taste change in the air. He's all like he asked for something and he got it; a one on one title shot with AJ Styles at Final Reconstitution. He wnats AJ Styles to watch his match tonight because he will do stuff to AJ. He then pats Lauren's shoulder all like "it's so sweet how you stick up for each other" but not in those exact words.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

In case you forgot who I am, I am Andariel Halo and you are watching TNA iMPACT! Rant Recap Review Relevant Ragings Ripping Roids.

AJ Styles comes out to get on the commentator's table and deliver a message to Sting to call him because he's worried about him and all sorts of bumlove.

Chris Parks vs Christopher Daniels

They showed a video clip of Chris getting choked by the Raven's Nest two weeks ago. There is a 100% chance that they will not be involved in this match at all at any time ever. You have my word as a geologist. Geologists never lie. Chris and Chris circle each other, with Chris teasing him, armwrenching him, then patting his head and mocking his retard-handclapping. Then he sits on the second rope and mocks him some more. OHHHH BURN! Chris Parks is all angry, so Christopher hugs his thigh, only to get clubbed on the back.

Christopher then reaches out and grabs Chris's arm, only for Chris Parks to make him say mercy by twisting his hand and such, until the referee breaks it up. Christopher Daniels then slips under a punch attempt and puts him in a headlock. Then another one. Then Chris Parks does a Jerry Lawler to his Andy Kaufman. AJ Styles is quite amused. Christopher Daniels then slaps Christopher Parks, who comes charging at him and chases him out of the ring and around it. Christopher then bounces on the ropes to be booted in the chest. Then he's irish whipped, and sloppily press slammed kind of sideways-y.

Chris Parks then slams on him, then pulls CHristopher up for his self-mutilating finisher, but Daniels escapes, only enough to be caught in a chokeslam. He then makes motions, and a video tape appears on the big TV of the Horrible People in the bathroom sexually harassing Lauren for an inevitable lesbian rape. Christopher Daniels then fists Chris Parks in the balls and rolls him up for a pin.

WINNAR: Christopher Daniels

If Daniels seriously does exactly that to AJ at their PPV match, it will be the greatest TNA main event match EVER!

AJ Styles is all like he's gonna get int he ring and such, but a man in all black attacks him from behind. Then commercials, just because.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Going by wrestling video games, girls don't bleed, except from their vaginas.

Speaking ont he Steiner vs Lashley match, The Taz hilariously calls attempted rape "unacceptable attacks" then calls her a "little wifey". HAHAHAAA... Spike TV.

INTERVIEW with Dixie Carter, who says it's her duty to keep people focused and motivated. Which completely explains her "You're either with me, or you're fired" speech. She says she didn't WANT it to be aired, but it was. She said a pile of words which put together make absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. So much so, I couldn't even process it.

As for Sting, she does not be all angry at him for totally no-showing the intarview with Michael Tenay, because she probably would too. As for Jeff Jarrett, there was a "personal situation" which put all of them in a very difficult situation, and Jeff was placed on leave. LOL KAREN ANAL SEX. As for Hulk Hogan, she will give some insight as to how the talks began: He's a whore who needs money, she's an idiot who will give him money, and thus far he has done next to buttfuck nothing to promote TNA.

TNA IS PROGRESS! YEAH! She says he's done a bunch to bring exposure to TNA. The same TNA that got a 0.9 rating last week, and barely more than that the week before.

Hulk Hogan will be working closely with her in the upcoming weeks. ANAL SEX? Hopefully. Where does she see TNA in 10 years? Dead. Or wait, not dead! She doesn't give a straight answer. She just talks about Hulk Hogan again, and wanting to make TNA the greatest wrestling shithole in the world. No wait, they've accomplished that already---the greatest wrestling NON-shithole in the world. Good fucking luck, haha!

They air another promo, where Hogan says TNA will be in the mainstream times ten. A 10.1 rating in the next few months? I can only say nothing, except that they seem to be completely unaware that Asia and South and Central America are part of the world. Dumbshits show a map of the world, with red areas filling in where TNA will be in, and Asia and South and Central America are not filled in. Maybe there's a logical, logistical reason, but it only makes them look stupid to say the ENTIRE WORLD and then miss out on two huge continents.

BUT HEY! Keep fuckin that chicken.

Here comes Mr Fail seeking out the Fantastic Mister Foley. He says he's a huge fan, and starts sounding like a high-pitched little bitch sucking up to Mick Foley. Foley's all like he's gonna be a big star, and all of a sudden Foley is gonna start shitting on him, being all like all Mr Mangled had to do was walk in and demand a match and he gets it. He then wonders if he can come in and ask him to be in a spelling bee with Scott Steiner. You know you'd lose, you faggy Briton. Fetus with an O in it? You're a retard! Mick Foley goes to stroking, and calls someone on his thing, saying "stroke" over and over again. Fifty bucks on it being Jeff Jarrett, stroking in Karen Angle's anus. Keep fucking that chicken.

Someone answers the phone, and Foley's like YOU'VE GOT TO COME BACK HERE NEXT WEEK! but whoever it is obviously didn't hear shit. It's Jeff Jarrett. He says Fuck you, and Fuck TNA, you can take your comedy and shove it up your ass, or something. Fifty bucks says that is NOT Jeff Jarrett and they're just shitting on him because he's fucking Karen Angle.

Hamada vs Sarita

People on WrestleZone are seemingly worried that Taylor Wilde and Sarita are getting lezzy and such. Based solely on being tag team partners? Hamada arbitrarily gets a camera in her face and wiggles her fingers in front of it. I am not joking. Match starts with Hamada grappling her, then slamming her. She tries to slam her again but Sarita lands on her feet, Hamada runs around, then springboard armdrags from the ropes. They double dropkick at some point and both stand and pose. Then they hold hands, and Hamada boots her in the guts, then some slams and smacks and a headbutt and a chope, now runn and flip over Sarita's arm, an attempted enzuigiri fails, and Sarita kicks on her. Sarita picks up Sarita for something, but she swiftly turns it into a hurricanrana.

Hamada ducks under Sarita's clothesline attempt and kicks her in the fucking face. Oh snapsz. Hamada gets on thne turnbuckle for something, and literally just fucking falls off in a missile dropkick that only barely touches Sarita. It was great. Hamada picks up Sarita for a Scoop slam or Hamada driver, but nearly drops Sarita on her head as she tries to reverse. She then runs and floatover DDTs Hamada, and a pinfail.

Sarita brings Hamada down with her legs, then rolls her legs around in her legs, then does a leg submission crank thing, only for Hamada to leg her up and leg her with her own leg into a pin but Sarita falls out of it. Now some kicks with Hamada kicking on Sarita. She then picks her up for a Hamada Driver and drives her head into the face and wins with a pinfall.

WINNAR: Hamada

Backstage, AJ Styles has this to say to whoever you are: BLAH BLAH BLAH ANGRY REDNECK! He says if he ever puts his hands on him, he's gonna make sure it's the last time he does anything. See, that was actually kind of good, but he should have not been shouting so much, because it makes him look like he's gonna lynch someone black.

Kurt Angle comes out so Mick Foley can come out and be more annoying on TV. That's right, I said it and I realized it now: Mick Foley is now very annoying. He then talks about how he's not jealous of anyone, and that Kurt Angle didn't tell him everything he knew about Hulk Hogan, so he doesn't get to fight Desmond Fail, but instead has to have a handicap match against Doctor and Raven, and he says that Kurt Angle questioning his authority burned him as much as they burned his eye.

Doctor Stevie and Raven vs Kurt Mangled

Mistah Mangulled easily dispatches them both, but they just bumrush him and press themselves against him on the ropes. Then they start punching him, then stomping on him, and putting a Doctor boot on his throat. Then they put his head on the second rope and press on him. Then Raven knees him in the face, and puts his Raven boot on his throat. Angle slips out of the ring, only to be double Russian Leg Swept. Doctor rolls him in and pins him, but Ange kicks out because it's DOCTOR FUCKING STEVIE. He tries to pin again and it doesn't work.

Raven punchies at him, then chokies him, then Doctor runs and spears him. They both double riish whip Angel who double clotheslines him. JONESTOWN SPOT! Raven gets up first, because he's not DOCTOR FUCKING STEVIE or having a broken freakin' neck. Angle nevertheless beats on them, and German Suplays both of them, then starts clobbering them both, and clotheslines Doctor out of the ring because, fucking... you know. He's skinny. He decides to leave with Daffy, and Raven clotheslines Kurt.

Chris Parks appears out of nowhere and Daffney falls out of camera-sight. He Black Hole Slams Doctor, and Kurt Ankle Locks Raven.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Because he's not obnoxious enough, Mr Fail comes to do some kind of DDT-ish move on Mr Mangled and be all smug and "Oim British" while the show goes off the air. May be for years, may be forever.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com 

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).