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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(12/02/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Apparently happening this week because it sure as hell wasn't on iMPACT last week, it's THANKSGIVING AGAIN! And here be Dixie Carter joining Bishawf and the others at the table and such. Splice in video footage of them doing shit on Dixie. They offer for them to keep doing what they're doing, while she goes to Nashville and stocks paperclips. She prefers to toast to this; AN INJUNCTION! Until it's resolved, their duty here is over. Bischoff and Hogan say this is trouble.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?! Clearly something that TNA cares about more than what appears next.

Ink Inc vs Beer Money vs THOSE GUYS vs Motor City Machine Guns

They're all jumping on each other on the outside and brawling and such. Ric Flair is on commentary. With that same bit of "who gives a shit about wrestling?" Mike Tenay asks WHAT RIC FLAIR THINKS ABOUT THIS INJUNCTION which was apparently delivered by a judge in Texas. I... what?

Meanwhile in the ring, someone pulled a ladder out and set it up against the apron on the outside and now the Murder Gunnaz are using it to smash up Max Hardy. Ric Flair says that Hogan and Bischoff will be at Final Resolution.

OH GOD. I accidentally skipped ahead and saw/heard Mickie James singing. VISION OF THE FUTURE. FEAR, FEAR FOR YOUR LIVES!

Generation Those Guys gain some control only for Shelley to knock them away, and Sabin jumps off from atop the ladder he'd arbitrarily climbed up once it was set up straight. Meanwhile in teh ring, Ink Inc fails some and Robert Roode almost got THA WIN THERE on Shannon Moore. Apparently now they're using tag team rules... wallbang... as James Storm gets tagged in and restholds on Shannon Moore while Jesse Neal stands by and reaches out with a hand.

Robert Roode gets in now and plays with Moore and gets moonsaulted on, and James Storm drags Shannon down by his faghead hair and then he somehow ends up in and punches up on Shannon Moore in the corner. Punchies to the head. James Storm then punches Jesse Neal off the apron and tags in Roode to fail some doubleteam stuff on Shannon Moore, but since Moore is always fail, it gets easily countered into a catapult-into-DDT and pin gets 2.

HAHA Ric Flair yells at and criticizes the young new referee who is HURRDURR ERIC BISCHOFF'S SON. Shannon Moore runs in with a fagboy and pinwins.

WINNAR: Fag Inc

Ric Flair then tells them to GRAB THAT KID HURRDURR BISCHOFF'S SON and AJ Styles and KAAZ rush in to hold him down and Beer Money all like "YOU'RE STARTING TO BECOME A NUISANCE" and then mentions how he had the AUDACITY to declare Matt Morgan winnar after he beat Beer Money. It's like the Roman electoral system; a winner isn't a winner until the magistrate in charge openly declares him winnar. So he can just refuse to say the name and the guy won't win!

Roode then says it's three strikes and he's out HURRDURR and they beat up on him. This prompts Matt Morgan's music to hit, and he comes up behind Ric Flair and puts an arm around him, and then grabs his microphone and like FOURTUNE NOT ANOTHER STEP! YOU TOUCH THAT REFEREE ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF RIC FLAIR! He then drags Hostage Flair down a bit and forces him to LOOK AT THE KID and says if he or his goons screw with him one more time, he's gonna rip Ric's head off and shove it down ALL Fourtune's throats. So... he's gonna shove ONE head down ALL their throats?

So they let go of him and... somehow Morgan disappears. And Flair's like DON'T RUN AND HIDE, TONIGHT YOU'RE GOIN DOWN!

Speaking of my vision of the future, here be Mickie James talking about her performing her song tonight. Eric Young and Orlando Jordan appear behind her, and Eric Young's like HER BAND IS SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING LIVE TONIGHT and... I guess he's offering to play cowbell. Insert your own obvious jokes.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Sheriff: Oh I know this guy. Hes the uh… Counter… Mounter.. thing.
Granny: Wow. That’s a real good name.
Sheriff: Years back, Halloween midnight. His whole family came up to this hilltop right here, dark and windy, and they all choked to death... on their CALCULATOR. *pause*
Rusty: Calculator?
Early: Was it a evil calculator?
Granny: Well why else would it eat the whole family?
Sheriff: It choked them to death actually.
*pause*
Granny: So the whole family choked on ONE calculator.
Sheriff: I’m just telling you.
Early: Thissuns whole family?
Rusty: Like a livin calculator or somethin?
Granny: I guess it’d have to be for a whole family to choke on ONE calculator.

Yah, I heard wrong; he said he'd rip ALL their heads off, not just Ric Flair's. But I still got to do a Squidbillies joke!

Speaking of jokes and rednecks, HERE BE HARDCORE CUNTRY live performance by Mickie James. Didn't she release an album once? Remember how that went? Exactly. I just do not find her attractive. But maybe that's because she looks too much like my retarded cousin. I keep skipping back to this one portion, because I think it gives away her lip syncing or something. She moves her lips some, and nothing comes out, but some noise gets made, either like a record scratch or Taz going "HA" as she stares at Eric Young in his chaps. I don't need to mention they're assless, because all chaps are assless. Eric Young ass.

From behind, Tarantula arbitrarily attacks her. Eric Young then says HEY to her, and looks at Mickie James, and Tara beats him with his cowbell. Mickie James and Tara fight some moar. Mickie James' trashy dress tears its strap so she has to fight with one hand while the other holds her dress up. Security finally comes to break it up. TRULY RIVETING TELEVISION, ON SOME OTHER CHANNEL RIGHT NOW, I IMAGINE!

Backstage, JACKSON JAMES or whatever ERIC BISCHOFF'S SON is being called rushes up to Matt Morgan and begs to be the referee at Morgan's match at the PPV. Not only does he suck as an actor, but he pretty much says he wants to raise Morgan's hand in victoire, and that he's sick of FOURTUNE. He's a referee by trade, so isn't this some kind of ethical violation or the like?

Morgan goes on some kind of BABYFACE TIRADE about waiting and how he had been in the business for 9 years before getting his first world title shot and how this business is all about patience. I could mention a bunch of wrestlers who say different, but I can do more by saying Brock Lesnar, Kurt Angle, and I can't imagine anyone else. Fuck Matt Morgan. He does not suck dick well enough, apparently.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Logically, people who support diversity should oppose interracial breeding. Because if you allow interracial breeding long enough, there's no more diversity, and everyone's shit-colored. And you are a FUCKING RETARD if you think that would end racial/ethnic violence or violence of any kind. Just take Rwanda and Congo and shove it in their faces.

Backstage, Ric Flair rambles semi-coherently about Matt Morgan putting his hands on Ric Flair, calling Jeff Hardy a "world class athlete", NONE of those words would accurately apply to Jeff Hardy, culminating in trashing on Jack Johnson, Jack Daniels, Jimmy Johnson, whatayvur, and says if Morganite does NOT name a referee tonight, Ric Flair will revoke that privilege, because apparently he... has the power to...

... SO THEN WHY NOT REVOKE IT ANYWAY, IDIOT? MORGAN JUST THREATENED YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

VIDEO PACKAGE of Douglas Williams and his BETRAYAL of FOURTUNE. Then we go backstage to a PROMO by Douglas Williams, who is drowned out by the crowd cheering someone else, clearly. He says KAAZ has a million dollar face but a ten cent brain. Funny thing to note is how the cheering almost completely stopped once his music hit.

Funny thing to note is how the cheering almost completely stopped once his music hit.

TEH Douglas Williams vs The Kaz

The Kaz jumps in and they start at one another right away. Uppercut by TEH on The, because ALL EUROPEANS MUST USE EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS. TEH DOUG tries a Chaos Theory early but gets kicked away by Kaz, who then pin gets 2 and such. Then RESTHOLD! Eventually they rise, and Kaz kicks him some and drops a neckbreaker and pin gets 2. Kaz hesitates and Teh punches him up with UPPERCUTS! Kaz tries to scoop slam but TEH DOUG has a higher momentum bar and reverses, then kicks him away but Kaz reverses some and gets TEH DOUG down on the floor. He then pushes on his face, then puts his knee on his face.

He then puts TEH on the rope and buries his knees against his back for a bit before letting him drop. He then picks up Williams and irish whip, dropkicks him down. Kaz pin gets 2. Kaz frustrated nao! He bops Teh Douglas on the head with his elbow, but TEH DOUGLAS DOUGS-UP and attacks him again, but Kaz puts him on the rope and pries his mouth open a bit like the faggot he is. He then punches TEH DOUGLAS and he leans against the rope, and Kaz irish whips, but TEH DOUGLAS grabs hold, and back body drops Kaz onto the apron, Kaz jumps over and gets caught by TEH DOUGLAS who tries a Chaos Theory but Kaz stops that shit, and TEH DOUGLAS turns it into a pin attempt pin gets 2.

Kaz then does some stuff and pin gets 2. He then stands over him, and... The Taz says that for the past many weeks, FOURTUNE has been throwing up FOUR fingers, when there was FIVE guys, with Douglas Williams being the fifth. I... Taz... My...

Anyway, TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS wins somehow. I missed how. Oh, he hit his Rolling Chaos Theory thing.

Backstage, Mickie James is wandering around.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A penis

Elsewhere backstage, Matt Morgan approaches some random blonde guy, and suddenly FOURTUNE appears and attacks them, and the STOOGES arrive to break them up, including D'Lo Brown and Al Snow. Camera JERKS to the Commentators table. Rundown of TNA Final Resolution PPV. They still ain't making any big buys.

Speaking of which, here be Devon Dudley, a week late and a month past my caring. He's all ANGRY about that whole thing happening LAST WEEK. He then says he talking about all last week if he comes here, he'll be here, so come on out, Buh Buh Ray Dudley. No one comes, but people squeal in the audience. Devon's all like he a coward not showing up when OH NOESZ he appears at the top of the ramp in a big yellow coat all smug and such. He stops at the bottom of the ramp and just gesticulates wildly at Devon.

Devon then says for a lotta yeeahs, he been bullying a bunch of people, and all Buh Buh has been is a bully and a coward. He say you wanna come out here and tell people that Devon is the weak link in the ring? I don't hear Devon refuting these calls. He says if it weren't for Devon, there would be no Team 3D. Yeah, and if it weren't for Bruther Ray, there'd be no Team 3D, too. Devon then says it was The Taz who brought them to ECW. Bruther Ray screams LOUDLY LOOK AT HIM UP THERE HE'S WASHED UP HE A LOSER.

Devon about to say something but The Taz gets on the microphone to interrupt and say "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me!" BOOOOOO! He take offense at Buh Buh calling him washed up. He says it sucks to see you guys deal wit each udda this way, and he says Devon wants him to get in teh ring, so CROSS THE LINE (HURRDURR) AND GET IN THIS RING! The Taz says that he IS washed up, but Devon is not, so get in the ring. Buh Buh Ray makes like he will, but then ditches and says "I'll get in when I'm ready. I'll get in when I'm ready. SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'LL GET IN WHEN I'M READY!" I expect to see that on Botchamania soon.

Devon says SHannon Moop was RIGHT, HE IS A DOUCHEBAG, and in every company they were ever in, no one ever liked Bruther Ray. STOP SHOOTING, DEVON~!! He says that video he showed last week, WHTY DONT YOU SHOW THE REAL VIDEO, THAT SHOWS THAT DEVON IS THE WORKER OF THE GROUP. He say why don't Bruther Ray come in and kick his ass. He says Bruther Ray is nothing but a bully and a coward. Bruther Ray says he's just fine where he is, and says Devon is Marty Jannety. He tries to approach the apron and Devon lunges at him and Bruther Ray runs. The audience starts chanting something totally incoherent I can't fucking understand. Sounds like they're saying something obscene, involving dicking or whatever. Apparently it's "HE'S A CHICKEN"

Devon says there's an old saying, YOU WANT SOME COME GET SOME hurrdurr John Cena. Bruther Ray grabs So Cal Val and tosses her at Devon, because he's black he might rape her. Commercials before we can find out.

After commercials backstage, His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero talks to Samoa Joe, apparently they going to fight each other or something. Pope says Joe is the stupidest Samoan he ever met in his life. UMANGA COULDN'T TALK, FOO. Joe says he'd be whipping Pope's ass right now if it weren't for the fact that he would be a punching bag for Joe's opponents. Pope says Joe's a pimple on his backside.

Sarita vs Angelina Love vs Madison Rayne

FUCKING MIKE TENAY says he hasn't seen Taz react the way he did with the Team 3D before. Leaving aside the whole "we forget everything that happened six months ago" thing, HE REACTED EVEN WORSE NOT EVEN A MONTH AGO WHEN JEFF JARRETT KILLSHITTED KURT ANGLE! Also, Mickie James appears randomly in a t-shirt and attacks Tara. They then brawl. Maybe I'm the stupid one, but why are they doing this?

Speaking of stupid, Madison smacks Sarita in the face with the title belt, and the referee turns around to see Sarita down and Madison clutching her belt. Angelina tosses Madison in, then runs and dropkicks her as she's sitting and pin gets 2. Madison then gets up and shoves Angelina down a bunch. REAL WRESTLING THAR HURRDURR. She then tugs on Angelina's hair some, then pulls her into GENERIC RESTHOLD! Sarita finally stirs some. Moar chinlock resthold inaction.

Angelina escapes and catches Madison Rayne in a front slam. Madison gets in the corner and Angelina awkwardly kicks her then awkwardly irish whips her and awkwardly attacks her and sends her out of the ring. Sarita slowly climbs onto the apron while the referee for some reason tends to her, and Madison Rayne uses the belt to attack Angelina. COMMENTATORS MYSTERIOUSLY SILENT and suddenly come back online as... Sarita sneaks in to pin? I didn't even notice.

WINNAR: Sarita

MOAR BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT as Ric Flair is in a room talking to MYSTERY PERSON with a almost-closed door hiding them. Then commercials.

Backstage again, ANGELINA LOVE BITCHES ABOUT LOSING TWO MATCHES IN A ROW and inevitable WINTER appearance to be a bad actor. She appears on cue and says there's nothing wrong with Angelina. In fact... she's perfect. And now that they're together, they'll never have to lose again. NUMBER SIX YOU AIN'T. She then takes Angelina by the hand to lead her into the Kobol Opera House.

For you, it's all in one moment, yet for me, an entire day passed between what I wrote up there and what I write here. It's a philosophical curiosity that can drown you in existential dissonance.

Matt Morgan vs Rhino

I just realized now that this Sunday, Matt Morgan has a legit chance to become a WORLD CHAMPION of a company that, despite its shittiness, is by default the "number two" company in the US, by virtue of its steady national TV deal. And it shows you just how significant TNA thought this that it's given absolutely no attention or recognition save for Mike Tenay's jibbering.

Anyway, fuck you and fuck this match. Stuff happens where Morgan blades and gets bleeding. And to act suddenly as the disorienting headsnap from the olde-timey ideas of matches actually having winners and losers, here be a DUSTY FINISH! Named after olde time pioneer Finnish Dustin from Finland who would win fights by throwing dust in people's eyes, kneeing them in the crotch, and running away. Who won? Who lost? Who knew?

FOURTUNE runs in to beat up on Morgan, and Rob Van Dam runs in to beat up on Rhino and their brawling takes them backstage. In the ring, FOURTUNE keeps beating on them. FOURTUNE actually has four people in it now! Kind of. If you don't count Ric Flair. Or their merger with THEY.

Speaking of they, it's JEFF HARDY coming in so slowly with a steel chair, that I forsee him OMFG FACE TURN? SWERVE turning on Fourtune. I see this fucking coming as soon as his fucking music hits. Turns out I'M THE SWERVEE as... Mister Anderson comes out to chase them all away. Well, that's like being spared someone pissing in your bed to them shitting on your kitchen floor.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I think I may have pissed my bed a few nights ago

When we come back, Fagnut is in the ring with the microphone saying he's been in the bidness for 11 years, and he's maybe only said this a couple of times, and turns to Morgan and says 'thank you' really quickly. All the while holding a lead pipe, twirling it about in his hand some. I get a feeling TNA gonna piss in my bed again! Anderson Anderson says there's an unwritten code thing, like not wailing on a guy's back of the head with a chair, then makes fun of Jeff Hardy how he dances with his finger-fist-pumping stuff.

He then thanks Morgan for stuff, and says he can't remember what he did for the past month due to his concussion. He's twirling the fucking pipe so much, I'm going to be PISSED if he DOESN'T piss on my bed. Anderson Anderson says he got a booboo, an ow-wee, and Jeff Hardy's gonna get what's coming to him soon. Soon. Some point. Eventually. Maybe at the grocery store. Maybe at the stoplight. With all that said, he's STILL wiggling the pipe around and gesticulating at Morgan with it, and is all like wondering if Morgan might be needing somebody to referee his match with Jeff Harvey--HARDY.

So maybe they can put their heads together and think of somebody. While I'm thinking, the add for MAXIMUM IMPACT III UK tour is covering up AT LEAST 40% OF THE WHOLE FUCKING SCREEN. Anderson mentions his doctor hasn't cleared him to wrestle but maybe nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh maybe he officiate the match with Jeff Hardy. Anderson's STIIIIIILL gesticulating with the lead pipe and such. He says maybe they shouldn't be seen shaking hands or anything since he's gonna be teh referee.

Anderson then goes off in a corner to talk to the camera about how stuff happening, and how at Sunday, the BIGGER man will win. Because that's how TNA loves it. Or something. I'm pissed off that Anderson didn't SWERVE and hit Morgan with the fucking pipe.

Speaking of fucking pipes, MICKIE JAMES AND TARA brawl outside. OWEN VOICES by the commentators. They goin' at it in teh parking lot. Boy this brawl is long. Mike Tenay asks if we've ever seen two Knockouts with this kind of hatred for each other. The Taz says No. Two knockouts who have NEVER crossed paths in the WWE and suddenly hate each other based on a reason that EXPLICITLY MENTIONS having feuded in the WWE? FUCK THIS COMPANY.

And just to keep that thought running, here's a list of two knockouts who have had THIS KIND OF HATRED FOR EACH OTHER!

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky
Angelina Love and Madison Rayne
Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne
Sarita and Taylor Wilde
Taylor Wilde and Awesome Kong
Roxxi Laveaux and Angelina Love
Roxxi Laveaux and Velvet Sky
Roxxi Laveaux and Awesome Kong
Hamada and Alissa Flash
Tara and Angelina Love

When we return, Jeremy Borash is introducing Robbie E... why? The Taz inquires as to whether Mike Tenay has been to a Fist Pumping contest. Wut? There's a cage at the bottom of the ramp. Apparently they're putting Snooki in the cage and elevate it over the ring, like she's a wad of fuckmeat. This supposed to be the incentive for Jay Lethal to win, I guess. Now Jay Lethal comes out introduced by Jay Bee.

This... Oh wow, this is a Fist Pumping Contest. And there can be only one winner, because we sure as hell ain't gonna.

Robbie E gets the microphone and says he wants to remind Jay Lethal that HE A DISGRACE TO NEW JERSEY and he's never been in a club and cain't fistpump. Snooki freaks out like IM NOT GOING IN THAT CAGE thing.

Fist Pumping Contest
Robbie E vs Jay Lethal

I.... okay, either he's unclear as to the definition of a fistpump, or I CLEARLY AM NOT AS AWESOME KNOWLEDGEABLE ON THE SUBJECT AS I THOUGHT! Robbie V starts us off with a "Greetings from Asbury Park", then a Walt Whitman Wiggle, and a damn awesome JAY WOW KUNG PAO. AAOH! The Taz's strangled laughter really made that. Jay Bee would not want to be in Lethal's shoes after that. AAOH!

Jay Lethal gets on the microphone and says Robbie makes him embarrassed to say he's from New Jersey, and if he came to the part of New Jersey Lethal came from (Niggerville? Or Macho Town?) he'd get laughed at, he'd get beat up, they'd steal his shoes, and they'd hang them from the telephone pole. What really pisses Lethal off is that everyone knows that Robbie would not be X Division champion if it were not for her.

And the best part is that he's not gonna have to worry about her because she gonna be in a cage. Bitch, don't jinx it! They probably going to spend over 9000 dollars to bring in JWoww or The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer from the REAL Jersey Shore to help him. He then remarks something about her cradle looking like that cage. He then says if they want him to, he'll compete in this fistpumping contest and... he gonna do it! YEEEUHH!

Lethal does some weak-ass shit, but at least ends with a fistpump into Robbie E's face. Truly a moment for WrestleCrap, this whole segment, if anyone will even remember it next month.

WINNAR: My guess is Robbie E

Meanwhile, Lethal beats up on Robbie E and takes him backstage. Christy Hemme is randomly standing by, and... Cookie randomly attacks her for no reason. So while Lethal stomps on the white boy, Hemme beats up on her. They throw her in some cage-like room with a cage door, but Robbie E busts her out and smashes Lethal between the door and the wall and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I wasn't aware TNA had any stars left that you loved. Because honestly, who LOVES Matt fucking Morgan and Doug fucking Williams?

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett talks with Abyss, and how they prove people wrong, and Jarrett's gonna make Joe tap tap tap out with his OWN HOLD! Abyss says he's not the only one without a chance; He and his girl Janet LURRV caskets~! Erh... if he loves caskets, why is he competing in a match where to win, he must AVOID it? He gonna make the casket Pope's final resting place unless Pope dies tonight. Imagine if he DID "die" and that match got cancelled. Then Abyss and Janice could use the casket for sex! Rule 36 means someone is fapping to that image right now.

Video package for TNA Final Restitution. It does not look good.

Abyss and Jeff Jarrett vs His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero and Samoa Joe

This might be a casket match. Because there's a casket at ringside that is open. And Abyss didn't bring it to the ring with him. And Mike Tenay calls it a tag team match without mentioning any casket stipulation. It starts with Jeff Jarrett and His Holy Darkness. Jarrett skitters about all stupid and hugs the Pope from behind. DEAD SILENCE from commentary as they wiggle about with Pope taking control some, and then headlock and commentary returns. Pope knocks him down and irish whip catches him in a headlock but Jarrett rams him into a corner, then some sissy slaps on Pope.

Pope then reverses him in the corner to punch him up. Pope smugs at Joe, not tagging him in, then grabs Jarrett, only to slap Samoa on the shoulder, and Jarrett escapes to tag in Abyss. Abyss tosses Joe in the corner, but Joe skips away as Abyss runs at him. Then he runs at him and kicks him, then does his nasty boot-smearing on his face and such. Pope tags himself in and runs in to punch up on Abyss. Joe them grabs him and pulls him away and they argue. HURRDURR CONTRIVANCE! HOSTILITY!

Abyss then gets Pope in a corner after double clotheslining them, then smashes on him and tags in Jarrett so he can fag up on Pope with his faggoty DOUBLE M A! Joe then comes in to... I don't know what, but the referee sends him out. Pope stands Abyss up and runs at ... okay clearly I missed a bunch, as Abyss got tagged in and Pope gets irish whipped and punches on Abyss, but Abyss stands, and then tags in Jarrett again to headlock Pope.

Mike Tenay says we're going to stay with this match until the finish. That's a good place to stop. Jarrett tags in Abyss and Abyss stalks over in his retard-step until Joe tags himself in on a crawling Pope, then Joe killshits Abyss some. He then pin gets 2. He gets on the second rope and jumps on Abyss and pin gets 2. He then grabs Abyss and tries to do something involving him bending over but Abyss pounds on his back like a baby or a retard or both. Joe gets in control some easily, and runs at Abyss but Abyss catches him into a chokeslam.

Pope just runs in to beat up on Abyss, so I guess tag team rules going to be shitted on now. Jeff Jarrett runs in now to put an Ankle Lock on Pope, and the referee's positioned near him like watching for him to tap out despite him not tagging out, and with Jarrett on the other fucking side of the ring as Abyss was knocked out. Jarrett then gets tossed into the referee and referee falls out of the ring. OMG CONTROVERSY! CASH! LOW RATINGS AND EVEN LOWER PPV BUYS! Jarrett then gets his DOUBLE M A guitar and brings it in to use, but Joe kicks it apart. He's then standing over a fallen Jarrett with the smashed guitar ass the referee comes in. HURRDURRRRR CONFUSION! CONTROVERSY! CONTRIVANCE! APATHY!

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett and Abyss by misinterpreted DQ

Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett with a cock-in-a-clutch on Samoa Joe in the ring and Abyss beating up on Pope outside. He then brings Abyss into the ring with him so that Abyss and Jeff can drag Joe along as if to put him in the casket, when OH NOESZ the casket opens and it's Kurt Angle. This provokes very mild audience response. He beats up on Abyss, and then Olympic Slams. Jeff Jarrett runs away.

Before exiting, we get a DIET RAVEN JEFF HARDY INCOHERENT JIBBERING! I can't show you it here, but I can guarantee you it sounded a little nothing like this:

TNA YAY: An actual match finish rather than letting it continue on TNA ReAction for no one to see

TNA BOO: A SHITTY match non-finish.

TNA WTF: Take a wild-ass guess, you wouldn't be very far off.

Go play on my Twitter Captain Halo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).