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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(11/26/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

In order to avoid confusion between just WHO IS ANDARIEL HALO and WHO IS Cameron Diaz, the Disco Inferno, I will add some SPANKING NEW TITS---that is, Things In The Shit---to keep you amused and happy dappy dilly doo! It will keep hilarity high and spirits not so low in the midst of the depths of the abyss that was formerly Chris Parks, but is now TNA iMPACT!

I don't know if you gahz have hurrd, but this is AJ Styles saying exactly that just like that, with the specter of Hulk Hogan shilling over everything else involving the horrible terrible stories and shit involved in this.

Just as I was about to keep spirits high, they are smashed into garbage by the FUCKING STUPID TITLE "Is Mick the Turkey?"

Why? Why even have this? Why titles? What point does this serve? None? I believe it's none.

Happy Turkey Day, they say! Yay for Turkey! All hail Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, savior of Turkey, and the only hero of the Ottoman Empire in World War I! The general so great, he earned Winston Churchill's respect and admiration! Even though Turkey is all Muslim and such. Yay Turkey!

Speaking of lumps of lame crap, here comes Bobby Lashley with his wife, because he's finally learned not to leave her alone backstage, or she'll be raped by Scott Steiner.

Speaking of arbitrary connections of previous words or statements with vague and mean implications of the nature or character of a personality arriving now, here comes Chris Parks!

Bobby Lashley vs Chris Parks

Bubby runs at Chris and just sort of fumbles. He runs again, punches him to no effect, so Chris decides to run. Bobby jumps over him, but Chris keeps running, then Chris knocks Bobby down with a boot or something. Now big retard hand-clap thing, and he goes to splash Bobby but Bobby moves, and punches and kicks and stomps on him like he just called him "boy". Chris then KKK's up and clotheslines the black man down to the ground for not respecting mighty whitey. He decides to club on Bobby, because he figured he must be Seal, wife of Heidi Klum, because all those people look alike, right? I'm ripping off SOMEONE'S one-note gimmick here on TWF!

Speaking of one-note, Chris sort of holds on Bobby's face in some kind of "submission" hold, but Bobby breaks out, only to jump into Chris's arms for a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!!!! You know it's BIG because Chris is SCREAMING into the hug! Bobby headbutts on him, and stumbles away, then dorp toe holds Chris Parks onto the second rope, which is PSYCHOLOGY EFFECTIVE YAY because Doctor and Raven broke his windpipe last week or something. HAPPY OSMANGULI DAY!

Spinebustery by Bobby Lashley, then he clotheslines Chris out of the ring, but he lands on his feet, grabs Lashy's feet, and drags him out to punch on him. OH SNAPSZ he back-elbows Lashley's wife because she stupidly ran at him. Her being a female and this being SPIKE TV TV FOR MEN, she breaks all the tendons in her knee and shin, and Chris is all like "I'm in the ring and I need to win, and I didn't know you were there!" so Bobby puts him in a Dragon Sleeper thing and suddenly Krystal's knee and leg has healed as Chris taps out like so much Velveeta.

WINNAR: Chris Parks

POST-MATCH INTARVIEW with Captain Halo interviewing the Avatar of Bobby Lashley and Krystal Lashley in my mind!

Captain Halo: So Bobby lashley, what does it feel like to win such a big match as a fluke because your wife ran into Chris Parks' elbow?

Bobby Lashley: Well, yew know, I wazzin't really contherned, becauthe she's a big gurl, yew know? An she has lots of experienthe running into my fitht---I mean, running into doorth an yew know? She can handle hurthelf.

On the backstage camera thing again, here be Jayson Bigsbee and Michael Francis Foley in the backstage room area where there are several pictures and paintings on the wall of a wrestling variety and nature. Jay Bee things Hulk Hogan coming to TNA was maybe a bad idea, and Foley is now wearing awidth="630" PIRATEY EYE PATCH! I will not make any Pirate jokes. Dude. Foley is all wondering why Hulk Hogan's coming into TNA was so clandestine, then Jay Bee mentions all the various TV shows and shit he's been on. STOP SHOOTING, FOLEY! It's obvious Hogan didn't give enough of a shit about TNA to even mention them while touring TV!

Foley's all like "it stinks" and I'm all like "I know he does, he's old" and Foley's like "I'm not talking about etcetera, but the backstabbing and politics and seedy underbelly" and such. He says Kurt Angle knows this best so he will go confront Kurt Angle, because we need more Kurt Angle. Also, He'll be facing Black Pope while Archbishop Desmond Tutu will be facing Suicidal in a situation that will so totally not involve outside interference by one or either party.

Speaking of shitty parties, here comes Desmond Faggot, whose finisher is "LARIAT"! LARIAT! A fucking clothesline! If you visit the TWF forums, you know I bitched about him squashing a jobber with a clothesline, and some other faggot there mentioning that a clothesline as a finisher doesn't work well on certain people like JBL and such. To this I say, A MATCH, FUCK!

Desmond Llwellyn vs Suic

Desmoy beats on Suicide's thumb or something, then goes to arm wrenching, and kneeing his arm. People are chanting "YOU TAPPED OUT!" but I don't know at who because god help me if I don't watch the matches. So on the match I'm watching, Desmoy arm wrenches, but SUicide flips out and shoves him away, because he doesn't suck ass like this Briton, and the Briton reverses it into a slamming his arm on the mat, then puttning him on the turnbuckle and doing a slow-motion European Uppercut.

Just to be an ass to my statement, he then runs across the ring at him and splashes. Now he puts his arms around Suicide in some kind of submission move. I suppose it may hurt if you're an idiot, or if indeed this is a part of ARM PSYCHOLOGY! since it kind of hurts the arm. Not wanting to be entertaining or maintain the namesake of NONSTOP ACTION, Desmoy returns to the REST hold, but then Suick breaks out and starts flippy dippy attacks and dorpkick, then does his shitty ass rolling DVD move, then slingshot leg drops or something. I missed it a little. A PIN!

So Suick runs at Desmoy but he slams Suic's masked face onto the turnbuckle, then picks him up and puts him on the turnbuckle, and goes to do his shitty finisher but SUICK escapes, and as Dezmoy is about to run, Suick dorpkicks him. Now ASuickiude gets irish whipoped, then he slips out of the second rope but DESz grabs him on the turnbuckle. No fucking idea what happened next, and The Taz can't even tell either, as MAYBE he managed to get his shitty ass Tower of Lundun move, but upon video recap review, I see it was in fact a very sloppy-looking reversal thing. Maybe it was just the camera angle, but what happened was this:

- Tower of London attempt
- Suicide falls out, gets his feet on the ground, and his arms around Desmond like he's gonna slam him down
- Desz turns it into a stunner, then pins. Entire crowd is silent either in confusion or apathy.

WINNAR: Desi Arnez

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Ridged-forehead Klingons are racist compared to original Klingons

His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero the Moor I vs Kurt Angle

So they form a holy circle about one another until Angle headlocks, then is shoved off by the black guy, bounces off the ropes, and gets junglemonkey flipped and put into an armbar. Then irish whip Angle, who boots him in the face from thet urnbuckle, then the Popey gets him in another armbar after another spear-chucker flip. Lots of armbars, then Angle reverses and armwrenches, tries something but the pope reverses with an armwrench and kick to his side.

Then he gets shoved off to run, and the Pope runs and does a high flying shoulderblock on him. Pinfail almost gets 3, but it didn't. He tries to run at Angle but Angle catches him in a belly to belly suplex. Now Angle punches on the Pope guy's face, then European Uppercuts, then puts him in a suplay position and does so. Then he tries to pin, then tries to pin him again, because presumably if it didn't work the first time, it MUST work the next time. I want to see that happen in a big-ass main event thing: Sting vs Hulk Hogan! Sting pins Hogan, 2 count, scoffs in frustration, pins him again, 2 count, pins him again, 3!!!!

Also, Angle had a resthold on the Pope, now they do a bunch of running about and clothesline moves, then Angle catches His Holy Blackness in multiple German Suplexes. SHADES OF WWF WRESTLEMANIA 2000 WHERE THIS WAS A SELECTABLE MOVE AND BEFORE BENOIT DEBUTED AND WHILE LIKELY ANGLE HAD DEBUTED ALREADY, HE WAS NOT IN THE GAME! The Pope tries to do some multiple things of his own but Angle stops that shit like so much copyright infringement lawsuits. The Popeness then gets ANgle on the second rope and busts his shit upo and slides back in.

Now he poses for a thing where he runs at the turnbuckle and Angle is on the ground, float up in the air, and elbowdorp him. Then he goes to try an Elijah Express, but Angle catches him in a crotch-grabbing schoolboy, then tries an Ankle Lock, but The Pope is too greasy and slides out of that. He doesn't slide out of the Olympic Slam and a pinfall. Silly negro!

WINNAR: Kurtis Angle

Seal of approval, Angle shakes the Pope's hand, and we're all buttfriendly and all.

Mick Foley rushes into Kurt Angle's lockerroom, with his eyepatch and such, and wonders where Booger T and Stingle and Scottle's stuff is, and he's all like THE MEM IS OVER and Foley's like "Oh, yeah" then he asks Angle about why he didn't know about Hogan coming, and about Dixie and Hulk and wondering if Kurt is on board with this and why Hogan is being brought in. Kurt Angle's all like "I'm on board" and such, and Mick says "I just hope the guy Hogan brings is on board too" But Angle is all like "we're done" and such.

That's all what piratey-eyepatch Mick Foley said, but this is what I heard:

Speaking of Caribbean criminals, here comes Homicide!

Homicide vs Robert Roode

By the way, I forgot to mention this is some kind of King of the Ring type tournament involving a bunch of people competing for some world title of some sort. Homicide decides to start the match mid-Roode pose, ambushing him and punching him up and such. Roode is on the second rope, then gets brought up and whipped against the turnbuckle, but he bounces off and clotheslines Homicde. He then leaves the ring, and trips up Roode and punches him up on the outside.

Homicide beats on Roode's head a bit, then sort of backrubs him, but maybe he rubbed the wrong way because Roode freaked out, then Homicide knees his chest and throws him in. In the ring, Homicide kicks Roode's face, and as Roode collapses against the turnbuckle, Homicide rams into him. But Roode recovers soon and beats on Homicide. Homicide is on the turnmbuckle, but he recovers enough to throw Roode into the other one, and slam him down on his knees. Now Roode on his ass getting kneed in the back by Homicide. Homicide then Vulcan Nerve Pinches him, but Roode is still awake because Homicide is a Mexican so he does everything half-assed, or as they say in Mejico "medio burro".

Roode then gets kneed in the face, irish whipped and attacked with a flying spinkick thingy. He then tries to pin but it doesn't work, so he irish whips but it gets reversed, but he reverses in kicking Roode's face. He tries to do a Gringo Cutter, but Roode shoves him away, whips him, and tiltawhirl backbreakers. Pinfail attempt was successful. Roode attempts something, but Homicide catches him and tries to do a Gringo Killer, but gets blocked. Another Gringo Cutter attempt gets stopped up, and he runs at Roode to get spinebustered, and this wins the match because he's a filthy Mexican.

WINNAR: Rick Roode

Homicide has a spic-attack and freaks out and bitches at random people ringside.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A "Situation Room" graphic on CNN just now with an American soldier walking along with the camera behind him, due to my blurred eyes and the type of typeface and the way the soldier looked, was almost 70% identical to looking like a "Halo" ad.

Otep does a song for TNA. I feel almost betrayed~! I bought one of Otep's albums and listen to their songs a bunch~ It's like we're family, or friends, and we speak to one another. Now I see a SPANKING NEW song being used on my heinous enemy? I feel betrayed, Otep! You used to be cool. And a lesbian, supposedly, so there was a chance we could hook up and have filthy lesbian sex. I don't even know you anymore.

Also, it makes TNA look stupid that they have a song that is essentially anti-American-establishment and in no way fits in with TNA at all, and have seemingly only used it because it sounds cool.

Aside from Dixie Carter's menopausal "with us or with the terrorists" rant from a few weeks ago, in what way do these lyrics have anything at all to do with TNA?: They say we must submit And be one with the Machine

Because the Kingdom of Fear Needs compliance to succeed

So waterboard the kids for fun It's all the rage

And play born-again American Resistance is the game

SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE Work buy consume die

SMASH THE CONTROL MACHINE Happy little slaves for minimum wage

She sold her soul For designer clothes

For the perfect lips And the perfect nose

The winner in the end Always owns the most

Reality TV told her so!

I hate you, Vince Russo. You too, TNA.

Speaking of getting tired of my job, here is another backstage bullshit with Jay Bee asking stupid generic questions to Kurt Angle. More "I respect Robert Roode, but I wanna be champion" type thing. A small part of him hopes that Desmond Wolfe makes it to the finals, because he knows he can bitchslap that bitch-ass whitey and make him tap tap tap out like he did last Sunday. Wait, I'm not supposed to know that, right?

Speaking of total retardation, in a move that basically shits on the Beautiful People, and makes TNA look stupid for giving us this untruthful and pointless information, the Horrible People's bottom bar thing states "They think 'Plymouth Rock' is a new car". ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE GIVING US INFORMATION OR ARE YOU TRYING TO BURY THESE BITCHES HARDER THAN A BITCH BURIED UNDER GALLONS OF CUM IN A 200 MAN BUKKAKE?!

So I say things that people are like, you shouldn't say. But I say them. Because I'm supposed to say something.

Knockout Battle Royal

I thought it was some kind of tag team match, but people just started randomly attacking one another. That kind of shows you where TNA is in regards to telling us shit. Daffney is first to get eliminated, and ODB is guest referee for absolutely no reason and screams in her face. Alissa Flash nearly gets Traci Brooks out, but she clings to her with her HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURING BIRTH DEFECT with her right arm that makes her a weak bastard. Also, somehow she and Alissa Flash get eliminated when someone bounces on the ropes with them on the apron.

Completyely interrupting the "action" is a commercial break.

Hamada headbutts someone, and two of the Horrible People double Russian leg sweep someone. Tara eliminated Lacey Von Erech during the break. Sarita is eliminated by the Horrifying People. Hamada beating on Taylor Wilde, but Taylor headscissors her, and Divine Wind's her ass to eliminate them both. BANZAI!

Tara now alone with the rest of the People, beating on them in her "I don't give a shit anymore, I'm old!" style of punching and such. They take control and irish whip her, then Madison Rayne gets irish whipped into her, but bak bodied onto the apron, and Tara moves aside as Velvet knocks Madison out. Knock out, get it?! KNOCKOUT?! BECAUSE THEY'RE KNOCKOUTS!

Tara and Velvet almost throw each other out of the ring, but Tara tosses her onto the apron. Velvet tries to slingshot, but Tara kicks her in the balls and she falls out of the ring.

WINNAR: Tarantula

ODB raisews Tara's hand cos it turns out this shit was for a title shot at her title. Tara wants to shake her hand, but ODB smacks it away and drinks some. Just like my uncle! Only instead of smacking my hand, he smacks my ass. And he calls me "Candy Cheeks".

When we get backstage, Jay Bee is intarviewing Eric and Kevin, and just completely ignores Eric for a brief moment and asks Kevin Nash something. Kevin snarks at him, and tells him to ask Eric stuff. Eric has to say that Jay Bee is discriminating against white people like him who are averaged size. He's all how ironic that American TNA Wrestlers are trying to maul each other on Thanksgiving, a UNIQUELY AMERICAN HOLIDAY! I would forgive him for the sheer stupidity of that statement if he himself were not in fact FUCKING CANADIAN!

Eric Young tells them again his belt will never be defended on American soil against an American wrestler, and he dictates when it will be defended and such. VENI VIDI VUCCI! Also, in what way does that quote make any goddamn fucking sense for him? He never conquered Asia Minor! OMFG Conspiracy! He mentions Thanksgiving, which is primarily about being a fat piece of shit and eating Turkey... Turkey is a country that was formerly known as the region of Asia Minor... which was conquered by Gaius Julius Caesar... in which he said the quotation "Veni, Vidi, Vici"... which Eric Young inexplicably quotes himself!

The conclusion is obvious... Eric Young is Turkey.

Here comes Mick Foley down the halls with his phone, and Scott Hall screaming somewhere. He finds Steiner in a room yelling at some random woman about the Main Even Mafia, and Foley says Kurt says the Mafia is done, and Steiner's like "Did Kurt SAY it or IMPLY it?" and he says that Angle implied it, so therefore the Mafia is not over. Foley then asks about Hulk Hogan, and wonders about Scott Steiner and Hogan, IMPLYING that Steiner and Hogan dated. He asks who the smartest guy is he knows, and Foley says something that is censored. If it was "Vince McMahon", I'd laugh loudly and proudly!

Steiner then sets Mark Madden's penis a-twittering by saying Hogan is the smartest guy in the wrestling business and a master manipulator. To make me laugh hilariously, the woman says that "There's only one F in Mafia" implying Steiner's shirt idea makes him a retard who can't spell. He yells at her to do it as it says and such.

Foley now chases after Kevin, with a brown paper bag containing his lunch. It's funny because Kevin thought it was his money. Foley has no money cos he's putting his kids through school, investing in TNA, investing in an educational thing in Africa. Kevin Nash hilariously says he made 19 dollars with a Unicef container when he was 9. Implying he kept the money. Kevin Nash then implies Virgil is coming with Hulk Hogan. But then he says it's positive that it's Psycho Sid. But he just keeps jacking Foley around. THIS IS NOT A JOKE, says Foley.

Foley's all sobby "This is important to me, Dixie's taking this company int he wrong direction" STOP SHOOTING, FOLEY!

So before you start thinking I gave up on that bullshit, HERE COMES FAILURE!

Desmond Wolfe vs Bobby Lashley

Wolfe slips Bobby around for a headlock, but since Bubby broke the Masterlock Challenge, he snaps out of this almost immediately, then mocks his pasty white British ass by doing the exact same thing to him, but he's too British to break out so easily. He has to stick his pasty white British foot onto the rope to force the referee to break it. Bobby circles him around and people chant for the black people. Now an arm wrench by Desmoy, and he shows himself to be entirely one-note to me.

Flippy-dippy doo as Wolfe tries to reverse as Bobby reversed his shitty arm wrench into a hand "I'mma break yo hand, foo" move thing. Desi-Lu finally gets his leg around Bobby's leg, but Bobby knocks his ass back down with the continuing wristlock. He finally rever--- OH NO but Bobby gets the wristlock back on. El oh el, it just never works out for Britannia. He decides to just knock Bobby in the head with his elbow. Then he cheap shots his throat, then goes for another boring wresthold like he did with Suicide, the "This doesn't hurt unless your arm is aching beforehand" and Bobby looks to be in pain---probably from exerting himself in beating Wolfe's ass up.

Speaking of his ass, Bobby is now on his ass, wrenching his arm back and making him bleed orally. But he then gets Lashley on the rope and kicks his face. Oooh snapsz! Bobby Lindsay quickly recovers, spears him, then lifts him up to bring him down. He then Full Nelson SLams him as he tries to charge, and pinfails him. DesiLu snaps his arm a bit and gets Bubby on the turnbuckle, then tries to do his shitty ass move, but Lindsay slips out into a Dragon Sleeper, but Desmond Tutu gets his hand on the rope, slips out, and punches Lindsay in the gut as he breaks it off and such.

Now the Archbishop wrenches on Lindsay's arm on the rope, and gets his dumb piece of shit ass disqualified. FULL FAIL AHEAD!

WINNAR BY DQ: Bobby Lashley

As Desmond Fail walks up the ramp from his latest loss, he says into the camera "Mistuh Mangled, I hope yoh paying attention; that is gonna be yew, come Final Resolution."

With that stupid name he gives Angle, this guy reminds me of that douche on South Park who made fun of Stan by calling him "Stan DARSH"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I love your penis. Yes, you.

Robert Roode vs Kurt Angle

Good God I am so sick of Kurt ANgle. He headlocks Rick Rude, and Roode pushes him, then pushes him, then Angle shoulder blocks him, but then Roode knocks him down when he gets back up and runs at him. They then stare off, and TIME FOR A BAD JOKE!

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

They then lock up, and Roode gets pushed in the turnbuckle. Angle backs away, then punches on him all "I'm a creep"-like. Roode crouches, implying he's HULKING UP when Angle approaches and he counters his stuff for massive momentum gain. Angle's bar weakens enough for Roode to beat him down and pinfail. Then he scoop slams him, and runs to do a jumping knee drop on him, and another pinfail. Roode now chops on Angle, once on one turnbuckle, then again on another one. THen he snapmares him, and does a throwback on him.

Roode-pose! Then Roode-get thrown out of the ring by Angle! Angle slips out of the ring, and slams Roode's face on the steel steps. Angle then tosses him into the ring and pinfails him. Then he grabs and snap suplexes him and pinfails. Then he pulls Roode around in a reverse gutwrench, and RESTHOLD YAY! Roode elbows him in teh face, then runs at Angle right into a belly to belly suplex. YAY STEINER! Pinfail now. Pinfail now over. Now Angle body-scissors him. And for reasons having nothing to do with wrestling, I have the Klingon theme stuck in my head throughout this endeavor.

Roode slowly rises and ANgle transitions into a headlock. Now ROode punches on him, irish whip, but reversed, and ANgle runs into Roode's shoulderblock. Then he runs at Roode's boot. Now Roode flip necksnapper thing on Angle and OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE dropped. They slowly get up punching, and exchanging them like friends, btu then Roode blocks him and chops him, but Angle whips him, he dodges, then Roode flying clotheslines him, and pinfail!

Roode now slips up and is put in an Ankle Lock, but he quickly escapes, and gets a Spinebuster on Angle. Pinfail very close to not failing, but it failed, because Angle is an AMERICAN MALE! And not a Mexican. In fact, The Taz pretty much says exactly what I just said, only without the racism.

Roode tries a suplex, but Angle slips out and does a German Suplex, which is superior because it is German. Angle then creeping around Roode and tries an Olympic Slam but Roode arm drags out, but then Angle hits it when Roode slips out. Pinfail which was quite not in question, but questioned nonetheless.

To prove that I am awesome and Russo is a predictable prick, here comes Desmond Tutu to bitch at Angle and be a dumb shit who gets his shitty ass killshitted as ANgle just proceeds to demolish his ass outside the ring, while Roode wins because Kurt gets counted out, hitting the 10 just as Kurt is halfway into the ring.

WINNAR: Robert Roode

lol fail. Desy Fail's failure is contagious.

Because there's simply too much time to spend on having a big-ass epic showdown between two guys who probably should be main eventers and thus are competing to be main eventers, we have a time-wasting music video featuring something that isn't Otep or anything else I like, and thus is shit. That's how the rules is played.

Because of exactly what I said above, we have AJ Styles coming out to 'tard it up on the microphone. He wants Sting to call him, because he hasn't heard from him and he's lonely and he thinks about him at night. Christopher Daniels, the jealous and jilted lover, then appears looking all smug and heely for no real reason except wanting to be the world champion. And this prompts The Taz to call him self-centered. Piece of fucking shit, Taz.

Christopher Daniels is so slick, his sunglasses stick to him without pieces that go on his ears. They're just stuck on his nose. He says he's been a better friend to AJ than AJ has ever been for Christopher Daniels. ALl the years they've traveled and trained together and etcetera and now AJ is world champion but his friendship with Daniels Daniels got him nowhere. Or something. That honestly makes no sense at all. He then blames AJ Styles for not having the "stroke" to bring Christopher Daniels back. Nope---Jeff Jarrett's got the Stroke. You thought I was gonna make a gay sex handjob joke? That's not my gimmick.

A bunch of people chant "SHUT THE HELL UP" as Christopher Daniels pretty much arbitrarily focuses his own "misfortunes" upon AJ in a way that amounts basically to "You betrayed me because you're the champion now and I'm not". Also, that eyeliner Christopher Daniels wears makes him look gay. He says they're enemies now and now he can go home and tell his wife and kids that Uncle Chris is sorry but somebody's gotta put daddy in his place. AJ Styles then predictably gets smack-talky because he brought up his family. He's all like "Mah kidsz is gonna fand aout wut Uncle Chriyis is all abaot" and such. And his music plays and that's it. No natural conclusion to this promo.

Because of exactly what I said twice above, we have the exact same Hulk Hogan promo from the past two weeks play again. And then again for the above reason, we get a promo of Robert Roode being all like "I'm gonna win because I'm white" or something not race-related.

Because of bluh bluh dee bluh, we have ANOTHER Hulk Hogan promo shilling Dixie Carter's midlife menopausal crisis causing her to want to be a TV star in TNA. We now have less than 8 minutes for Roode vs Lindsay. Now I know I've been harsh on Desmond Fail for failing in his match, even though it's obvious that he intentionally disqualified himself AND Angle so as to deny Angle the chance to win the title and such. But considering the fact that he disqualified HIMSELF (and did it FIRST) it only makes him look like EVEN MORE of a failure.

Think about it: He disqualifies Angle for the obvious reasons; he disqualifies himself, why? So he can keep on feuding with Angle? After losing to Angle in his PPV debut? Or does he disqualify himself so he won't have to face Angle in the later match, and so can guarantee Angle loses his title opportunity instead of risking it in a match he is too much of a failure to win? Or does he disqualifiy himself so he won't have to risk losing his championship (should he win it) to Kurt Angle, and thus completely negates this potential outcome by simply not winning it in the first place?

It's like trying to prevent an enemy from invading your country by burning your country and destroying all its infrastructure. Then going ahead and burning your enemy's land and infrastructure as well. It's TNA logic at it's best (worst?)

Random Pre-match-area Thoughts: Keep your friends close, and your enemies dead

Bobby Lindsay vs Rick Roode

So they start by circling around, draining time, then locking up. Lock-up gets nowhere, Roode on the turnbuckle. OMFG ACTION PACKEDNESS! They stare-off all angrily, then Bobby Lashley backs off and they circle again, and Roode feins a lockup, but reaches around to backhug Bobby, but Bobby reverses and wrestling slams him. He then tries his shitty finisher, but Roode skitters to the ropes. Now he's up and they faceoff, like in Face/Off, starring John Travolta and the ugly guy. Headlock by Roode ont he black guy, but he shoves him away and knocks at him. Now Roode runs around, Bobby jumps over him, then back elbows him.

Roode comes back out, and gets slammed down, and pinfailed after an elbow drop. Bobby had him on hsi shoulders, but Roode slips out, shoves him away, then slams his arm down on his knee.

To waste more time, here comes commercials!

I had a thought, but I forgot it. By the time I remember, the match is back. They punchy-poo---

I just realized that they didn't do a Feast or Fired this year. At least, not yet... no one has to wear a turkey suit, at least!

Back to the match, Roode is chopping and choking the black guy on the turnbuckle, then some more chops. Roode whips Lashy into a turnbuckle, then runs into Lashy's shoulder. Roode nevertheless brings down Lashley as he charges out of the corner, and gets him in a Fujiwara armbar. Roode then breaks it, and stalks around Lindsay, then punches at him.

Morar punching, but Lashley gets to his feet anyway, Roode elbows his back, keeps him down, but Bobby keeps getting up. Roode tries to run at him, but gets Full Nelson Slammed hard. Roode gets back up, but starts getting clotheslined repeatedly, then irish whipped and chokeslammed or something. It looked like a chokeslam. Pinfail.

Teh Bawss gets him up in his TOrture Rack thing, but Roode escapes and does a nasty-ass armbar-slam thing, then tries a pinfail, and succeeds. Succeeds in failing, that is. He then tries for a Fisherman Suplex, but Roode gets back body dropped by his arse of darkness, and Roode almost gets speared, but he escapes, and does a Fisherman Suplex for realsy this time. But it doesn't pay off (get it? Pay Off? See, cos that's his finisher and such? Fuck you). Roode is reversed and irish whipped, but he boots Lashley. He then tries to jump and do his neck snappy thing off the top rope, but he misses like a funny flying egg roll.

Lashley then spears his ass and pinfalls him, because, see, he missed his big move and Lashley is bigger than Roode and Roode is doomed to wallow in midcard hell forever or something.

WINNAR: Bobby Lindsay

So he wins and it ends with a GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!

While I do not like the pick of Lashley getting a sudden main event spot due to a tournament thing, I feel that that match was not total shit despite the amount of time wasted in making it potentially twice as long as it was. Or maybe that was a good thing because Lashley's all black and big and thus runs out of energy fast because he's only used to sprinting to evade the police, then hiding in an alleyway till he regains his breath. And you know black people regain their breath quickly with those big wide noses and such, sucking up all the air SKRONK SKRONK SKRONK, then he gets back to runnin' home at a slower pace. That's kind of how Lashley's wrestling goes, I suppose. Amirite?

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).