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Just a few days after my research paper is due, it's TNA FINAL RESOLUTION, coming next Sunday. Today is TNA iMPACT for the week before. Speaking of failure,

Video recap of last week, where something NO ONE saw was TEH DOUGLAS beating up on FOURTUNE. Morganite says it's worth the wait to see who he's bringing to Final Resolution or something. Anyway it's THanksgiving at TNA, and Eric Young is apparently one of their waiters because he's shit. Eric Bischoff is at the head of the table and has to have Abyss FRIGOUT to get everyone to stop making noise. Eric Bischoff says how proud he is to be a part of an IMMORTAL group and the good FOURTUNE for achieving all the success they've achieved. SO MUCH SUCCESS YOU COULD COUNT THE NUMBER ON ONE FINGER, and still have a finger free. Or something.

Bischoff personally regrets the way a couple of things happened and such, and wants to address a couple of situations. They may have noticed an empty seat he left there to invite someone for the Christmas spirit, Dixie Carter! Many people make noises and are mad and angry and such. Hulk Hogan's like YOU JUST DON'T INVITE DIXIE WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

THen we go to intro package video. Which still consists solely of THEY, because who else is in TNA? Anyone? I can't even think of any.

Meanwhile, we are intorduced to Matt Morgan. I meant to say a while ago, whenever he's introduced as the BLUEPRINT Matt Morgan, I have the image in my head of GoldenEye64 video game, the Train level, where on Secret Agent or 00 Agent mode, you have to find a blueprint in a safe in one of the buildings in the trainyard. And one time I shot up the blueprint and failed the mission. Relevance to TNA? EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED SOMEHOW. This is the message terrible terrible movies like "Babel" have taught me.

Apparently Matt Morgan defeated Ric Flair last week in that empty arena not-on-TV match that no one saw at all, and so Matt Morgan gets to pick his own guest referee. And he says the only reason Harvey is still the chumpionship is because of a nervous mistake of a rookie referee. But Morganate doesn't give a sheeit, he say sheeit happens, and he blames himself because he should have annihilated Jeff Hardy so bad he wouldn't be able to move his shoulders for three days. All of this says very little about Matt Morgan if he didn't even fucking do that to begin with, the fat shit.

He say it's always going to be Matt Morgan vs Jeff Hardy and Immortals (his word, Immortals) so he needs a man who will stand up with him and such and kick ass and such to get the job done and such. What he needs and such is a guy kind of like Matt Morgan and such. It gonna be ME versus YOU, and he gonna prove to these people that they're going to have a new TNA World champion that they can be proud of. Namely, one that isn't stoned out of his head.

Oh that's right. I went there.

Speaking of idiots, here be TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS and don't you just hate me screaming TEH DOUGLAS? Well it all came around when he came out to just "Doug Williams" and me going that's such a stupid fucking name DUG, HURRDURR DUG, so in the same vein as TEH DAVE Batista, I call him TEH DOUG and he becomes suddenly a figure worth making fun of in a kindergarten stupid-type way. Stupidity is my best asset here!

So TEH comes out and says Matt don't need to look any further, then bitches about his life running around after those "tossas" and he's talking about "Forchoon" and AJ Styles that gobby lih-ul something. It was censored. He say KAAZ's dream is to be America's next top model. I... what? Then there's James Storm, who's only happy when his breathalyzer score is higher than his IQ. He then talks shit about Robert Roode buying his suit at a garage sale---TEH DOUG'S garage sale.

What ever he was jibbering about, I completely forgot what his topic of conversation was. He says he's got and the crowd all appreciate it and such, and Matt apperciates it, BUT fuck him he sucks. Matt says he's definitely in the running, but he has a lot of decisions to make and he gonna give him a heads up he gonna make the decision and TEH DOUG will be the very first person he tells.

After this mutual masturbation, out comes FOURTUNE, and I've gotten so used to saying FOURTUNE that when their entrance video showed the word FORTUNE I thought it was mispelled. Flair says that saying that if everyone's talking about you you must be doing something good, and Morganite and Williams are on the outside looking in. All they've done now is open Ric Flair's eyes to something he needs to take more seriously, and TEH DOUGLAS pissed Ric Flair off.

The Kaz says calm down NAITCH, and to The Kaz when he was little, Thanksgiving meant, THERE'S GONNA BE LIVE WRESTLING! LIVE recorded three months in advance or something. TNA isn't live. He then calls the British kid the "Queen of England" like that's some kind of insult, and Morgan "The Greenprint" which... doesn't even resemble an insult.

The Kaz says find themselves a couple of partners and they'll have an 8 man tag elimination match. FOURTUNE has eight men in it now? Kaz says being the GENTLEMAN and SCHOLAR he is, he say first they gonna get rid of the limey Duggy-Doug, then get rid of their choads, then leaving.... "Matty Matty Chicken Patty"... all by himse--

No, fuck you. I'm on break.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What's Tommy Dreamer's appeal?

Whatever the fuck just happened, we got a split second of FOURTUNE bickering backstage, then insta-cut to a single white slide advertising SHOP TNA SALE! 80% off. Then back to the backstage FOURTUNE bickering. They happily yammer that Matt Morgan and the other guy are nobody. Eric Young joins in the shit. FOURTUNE says this is too heavy food, they gonna have to eat light, so where's the salad? Ric Flair opens one of the trays and

I'll stop when they stop.

Bischoff then interrupts to say it's official, he just talked to the pilot, Dixie Carter is here in Orlando and on her way! HRURWRJWOR! Ultra-shit animation of a Turkey cuts us out to the ring.

Rhino vs Tommy Dreamer

Rhino attacks him as soon as he enters, and irish whip and then grabs but Tommy punch swing misses and Rhino punches, then slams him into a turnbuckle. Tommy Dreamer then punches him up and Rhino falls out of the ring, and Tommy baseball slides him. Tommy Dreamer then gets out and slams Rhino's arm into the metal guardrail, then pulls out a table. Rhino punches him up anyway and they go around the ring and to the ramp area, where Tommy gets a kendu stick only for Rhino to punch him, then Suplay him onto the entrance ramp.

Rhino pulls stuff from a garbage can and tosses it all in the ring, including the trash can, then empties another one out on the floor, bops Tommy in the head with it, and throws it at the ring, and it bounces off the rope, then he throws a steel chair and it bounces off the rope. Then he gives people the middle finger. HURRDURR BOTCHAMANIA. Speaking of Botchamania, TONIGHT in an MMA MATCH, Jeff Jarrett vs Jesse Neal. FULL FAIL AHEAD.

At some point Tommy bladed, and now they in the ring and Rhino fwaps him with a kendu stick, then puts a trash can into the corner and irish whips Tommy Dreamer into it. He then tries to spear but Tommy moves and he spears the trash can. Tommy then hitting him with a metal pan of some sort. They fight some, then Dreamer kicks him in tha noots in the corner, and tries a DVD but Rhino reverses into a belly to belly suplay and some stuff happens that I missed. Oh, replay. Rhino tried to spear Tommy Dreamer but Dreamer just sort of bopped him on the head with the metal pan and Tommy Dreamer pinwins.

WINNAR: Tommy Dreamer

Tommy Dreamer gets on the microphone and says this is what it's all about. If EV2 is going down, Rhino went down with a fight and he entertained these people. And if EV2 is over, they been friends for 14 years, they're over as friends, this is done. Tommy is the face, why? Rhino gets up and extends a hand and Tommy takes it and they hug, and Rhino beats him up, then spears Tommy into the table set up against the turnbuckle. Surprising how? No? Speaking of something or other, Rob Van Dam comes out, and Rhino looks SHOCKED for whatever reason. He then leaves and Rob Van just stands around, but then gets a microphone and says he doesn't know how Rhino can get behind the idea of selling out.

Rob Van Dam cannot comprehend why someone would sign a contract to not lose their job in order to support themselves and their family. WACKY TOBACCY!!!!!!!!

Rob Van then says he's gonna beat the shit out of Rhino in a first blood match, hardcore style. WINNER BY SUBMISSION, ROB VAN DAM HURRDURR.

Commrecials. Later, Matt Morgan and TEH DOUG confront Samoa Joe backstage for whatever reason. He says WE need to be smarter. Samoa Joe says THERE IS NO WE, he's smart enough to handle his own business. TEH DOUG thinks he's a madman because of this. Samoa Joe thinks HE'S a madman for speaking without being spoken to. Matt Morgan then says HE'S OUR MADMAN TONIGHT HAWHAWHAW!

Elsewhere backstage, the Beautiful People are behaving like heels for some reason, yelling at some woman. Ric Flair then comes to invite them to a party and says he promised the boys he'd bring them some candy. I guess this is how he picks up hookers. Speaking of which, Mickie James appears to thank Angelina... and suddenly the Beautiful People are the heels? They're ignoring her and such. The fuck? To bring SOME sense, Tarantula and Madison Rayne come in... and Tara and Mickie James fight, while The Beautiful People stand beside Madison Rayne and watch...

Right before I can have a logic aneurysm, Angelina remembers she's supposed to be feuding with Madison, and starts beating up on her. Mickie James then beats up on Angelina Love. There goes that aneurysm. Fire Russo.

They all keep beating up on each other, and for some odd reason, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky aren't beating up on each other. Sarita randomly appears to beat up on everyone. Then comes Katie Lea Winter to pull Madison away and be a bad actor! She then goes down to hug Angelina to her.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Vulcans are in pain

Backstage, Thanksgiving table thing. Jeff Jarrett is bouncing and huffing like a DOUBLE M A fairy, and Eric Bischoff demands they turn the lights down. People think it's for Dixie Carter, but Jeff Hardy bounces in suddenly and they're all like EEEYYYYY!! Wow, the faggoty blues and pinks and purples of his title belt go great with his bright blue shirt. Why the fuck is he wearing a tie with that shirt? He starts Diet-Ravening, saying he is water and earth and all things to all people... but he will eat.

Since no one watches ReAction, they show us what happened LAST WEEK in the MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNNAZ versus THOSE GUYS empty arena match. They cut out some shit and skip to only the good parts, apparently. OWEN VOICE commentary from The Taz and Mike Tenay.

Meanwhile backstage for real, the Murder Gunnaz talk to themselves about last week and how great it was to have kicked them repeatedly until they got knocked out. Meanwhile at Final Restitution, CHAIRS, LADDERS, TABLES, OH MY! Lawsuit aversion. Madison Rayne runs in and is like SARITA WHERE IS SARITA? And she asks if they've seen Sarita? You know, sombrero, maraccas? Funny racism.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What's The Miz's appeal? The only answer I got to that on the Twitters is "he's not Randy Orton"

Speaking of people who are not Randy Orton, the two guise ask His Holy Darkness the Pope to join them. Pope laughs at them, not believing that Joe is gonna be their tag partner, why should he trust them? He says just a month ago, he had them two in his sights. Sad, true state of affairs. Fire Russo. They say Pope can't be Immortal on his own and all the prayers in the world aren't going to help him overcome those odds. Pope say he'll see them out there cos he wants to see how this'll turn out vedy intedesting.

Meanwhile, Madison Rayne randomly appears dragging Earl Hebner along to the ring. She gets a microphone and squeals Sarita who in the hell do you think you are. She then mocks Sarita for wrestling on Xplosion the past few weeks, on the brink of being fired or something. She then says she'll say it slow since Sarita only speaks "el spanier" to get her ass out here now.

Sarita appears and wow, she looks twice as big as she was when she was lezzing with Taylor Wilde. Apparently this is a match now.

Madison Rayne vs Sarita

Madison chokes on Sarita but gets pushed, and is suddenly all like NO and putting her hand out when Sarita gets up on her. She starts punching her up in the corner and Earl Hebner pointlessly puts himself between them. Sarita smacks Madison or something, and Sarita armdrags and school boy pin gets 2. She mocks her with taunts and such but then gets clotheslined down by Madison after she flips with Sarita's help. Madison then kicks her up against the ropes, and takes her inside to run at her and do something but Sarita schoolboys her and pin gets 2. Irish whip into the corner and... someone... I just realized both women are dressed in jean pants and strap, black tops with brown hair, so I have trouble differentiating them because I'm tired and totally not drunk and stupid. It's midnight.

She tries some incredibly stupid move on Sarita, and Sarita just drops her down to roll up into a pin, then she grabs Madison by the hand and runs at the ropes, slips, but gets back up, moonsaults over her, slips and arm drags Madison to avert a botch. Then into the corner for more dancing taunting, then she drops Madison down and such. Madison gets out of the ring and Sarita tries a slingshot splash out of the ring but Madison moves aside and they miss. Where in the fuck is The Taz now talking about Madison Rayne being so skinny you can see what she ate for lunch. Motherfucker, she's thicker than ME!

Madison steals a Sarita taunt, but Sarita rolls her up and pinwins with a shitty shitty pin thing without even a real attack or a move.

WINNAR: Sarita

Backstage, more yelling and jabbering amongst the Immortal guise. Jarrett apparently wants to pick a fight with someone, and then makes a toast with them with water, cos he gotta make weight. I... huh? He wants to give back to the guys in the room, because without them, he don't know where he'd be at in his MMA career. I... muh... huh? Jarrett brought a DVD, and they gonna take a look at it RIGHT AFTER THE COMMER--- commercials later, Robert Roode stands and says he's thankful for beer. James Storm is thankful for money. Hurrhurrhurrrr Beer Money taunt. Eric Young steps up to be yelled at and shoved back.

When's that DVD going to show? The Kaz shills himself and such. AJ Styles is thankful for the Nature Boy. Abyss is thankful for JANICE! He's also thankful for caskets and coffins. Funny aside shots of the Immortal guise staring at him. FINALLY TEH VIDEO ON TEH DVD! Jarrett wants to thank Eric Bischoff for not inviting Samoa Joe, cos then there'd be no food left.

So on the video... JEFF JARRETT at a kickboxing place with KIDS! LOADS OF KIDS! ALL SITTING BY HIS FEET! YAY PEDOBEAR! He say no karate today, they gonna focus on submissions. A kid says he knows the Ankle Lock, and Jarrett asks who perfected it. The kid says Kurt Angle but NOT HE'S FOOKIN WRAONG! KEN SHAMROCK WAS DOING IT FIRST! He then gets on the floor so the kid can do the Ankle Lock on him.... then he does the Ankle Lock on the kid.... and I fucking hope Photobucket doesn't close down my account for posting this picture:


Truly riveting television...

So after beating the fucking shit out of children, he wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Jeff Jarrett is now my favorite MMA person in the ever. Until he gets arrested.

Anyway, back in the Thanksgiving, Hulk Hogan says he so thankful for Dixie Carter he gonna tell her to her face and such. Backstage elsewhere, Jesse Neal mocks the idea of Jeff Jarrett being an MMA expert. Because when you think MMA, oh yeah, you think Jesse Neal of Ink Inc.

I'm tired. Going to sleep now. Be back later today. Leaving off at 54:40

I arrive again less than 12 hours later. Morning me is so pleasant and vulgar. Bitch.

Jesse Neal vs Jeff Jarrett

What a pleasant thing to wake up to! Jay Bee calls it a SUBMISSION Match. Because when I think submission matches, fuck yeah, I think Jeff Jarrett and/or Jesse Neal. OBLIGATORY USS COLE REFERENCE. Unless he actually was a terrorist there, stop dropping the reference. Bitch. They both have no shoes, by the way. The Taz idly remarks that Mike Tenay is a stooge or something. The two men then hug. Yes. They hug each other. A rather vicious, violent hug, at that. Jesse Neal then says FUCK THAT and starts punching him up but the referee breaks them up. They hug again, and Jesse Neal hugs Jarrett from the rear, and the referee breaks them up.

Jarrett hugs Jesse from behind and Jesse arm drags him down. They then get up and hold hands, but then Jeff Jarrett hugs him and brings him down, smacks up Jesse, then pulls him into a Jiu Jitsu-style armbar. Mike Tenay called it an armbreaker and The Taz idly remarks that people who don't know anything about MMA might call it an armbreaker. The Taz called it a JAPANESE word, so he must be a 'spert, dawg. He then tries to spell it, much to hilarity and such. Heel Michael Cole this ain't, but it's better than what they usually do.

Match! More hugging. Something like a big fuckign razorblade or something fell out of one of them and is on the mat. Jeff Jarrett manages to get a front Ankle Lock on Jesse Neal and he turns it over but Neal grabs the bottom rope... and the referee literally pulls Jarrett off of him by his hair. Jeff then back on Jesse and punches him up against the bottom rope and such. THe referee gets him off, and Jesse comes in to punch Jarrett up. He then runs at Jarrett, but Jarrett pulls the referee Brian Hebner in and Jesse spears him.

Because MMA sucks, Jarrett exits the ring and gets a guitar. The Taz remarks this wouldn't be an MMA match without a guitar. Jarrett smashes it on Jesse Neal's head, and I sure hope that was a gimmicked one, because there was no dust, and it sounded nasty, and Neal took a long time to actually fall. Jarrett then gets a rear naked choke, and the referee wakes up to crawl over and do the whole arm drop thing for Neal to die, but he'll be okay in a few minutes.

WINNAR: Jeff Jarrett

Mike Tenay says the use of the guitar is an ADMISSION that Jarrett's MMA skillz suck a dick. The Taz says it's a confidence builder. Shannon Moore arrives to chase Jarrett away. Much too late, Moop. No one's called me out on the lame Seinfeld reference, so why should I stop? Also, Jesse Neal didn't die, he's okay. I was worried myself---see, when you're stupid like me, you start to believe your own blatant lies.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Juan Cena is coming to the WWE in December. Get a jump start on him, quick, and follow his TWITTER PAGE! http://twitter.com/JuanCenaWWE

In the ring now, Brother Ray. MORE of this bullshit involving Devon. He asks WHY ARE YOU MAD, don't you realize Devon deserved it? Don't you realize that he had it coming to him? Are you blind? Don't you realize that he's the weak one? If it wasn't for him, I could have RETIRED a world tag team champion. HE'S the one that lost the match for us against the Machine Guns. CHris Sabin kicked out of the 3D because my brother Devon was weak."

That's a word for word transcript thar. HISTORY BEING MADE HERE when in over 9000 years, my recaps will be the only surviving evidence of TNA Wrestling. Hello, history! Remember The Halo, the only other captain aside from The Sisko ass-baddery enough to be called "The"

Now we take a look at some of Brother Devon's finest moments, on teh screen. We're shown video of him being suplexed by Kurt Angle, dropkicked by someone, beaten up on by people, double suplexed through his own table, Bruther Ray don't believe it. Beer Money, Motor City Gunnaz, etcetera, all beating up on the black man. Bruther Ray is embarassed to even watch it, it's HORRIBLE, it's horrible. People chant he sucks, and Brother Ray says he's gonna PROVE to you he DON'T suck, and he shows us some video footage of him beating up on people in matches. People chant "YOU STILL SUCK", for fuck's sake there's no pleasing these assbandits.

Brother Ray says YOU JUST SAW IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY QUESTION ME?! I agree. His logic is fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffflaaaaawless. The word on the street is Devon would like to talk to him and he's a little angry at him. So Brother Ray says come to the iMPACT Zone... next week. He's not hard to find. If he's got the balls, kid, meet him face to face. But remember this, if it wasn't for Brother Ray, Brother Devon's fifteen years of fame would've been nothing more than fifteen minutes. Brother Ray's new music is like... it's literally Sabu's genericized music, re-played to be even more generic and less coherent.

BACKSTAGE we are told Dixie Carter is in this big fucking SUV limo. And Dixie Carter comes out. Then commercials.

When we return, backstage, Eric Bischoff gets off the phone like it's official, Dixie Carter is here! In the iMPACT Zone! And he asks them to please hide all the liquor... hide all the liquor. Jarrett's like WUT IS SHE OUR MOTHER?! And Bischoff says no... but you ever seen her drink?! AAHAHAHAHA ha... ha. Hogan says he ain't gonna be responsible for the brutal gangrape that will occur on her. Or something like that. Being that it's Spike TV.

Elimination Tag Match
TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS and His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero and Samoa Joe and THE BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE Matt Morgan vs Beer Money and AJ Styles and KAAZ

The Taz remarks that Douglas Williams has always been the fifth wheel in FOURTUNE. THERE'S EIGHT OR NINE FUCKING PEOPLE IN FOURTUNE. He also says Morgan and Williams did a good job of BEGGING Pope to come out here. He IS right, after all. ALso, when did Samoa Joe said he would wrassle with them? But hey, at least there's FOUR people coming out for FOURTUNE. The Taz exposes the FORESHADOWING of TEH DOUGLAS leaving FOURTUNE by remarking how they were all wearing red tights and TEH DOUGLAS was wearing black tights last time they were all out together.

Oh hell, so sleepy. So match starts, and it's the BLACK MAN up first with AJ Styles. AJ runs into Pope slamming him down on his feet, then punching him up, and knocking him down with an axe handle thing. AJ then recovers and chops him, runs at him into a type of hip toss thing. AJ backs Pope into his corner, and Pope tries to attack everyone but gets overwhelmed. James Storm tagged in and he drops a knee then drops a leg on a prone Pope Blackadictus I. THen in the corner he BITCHSMACKS the Pope. Storm then grabs his cowboy hat and does some kind of not-Bronco Buster move on Pope, and tosses his hat away.

He tries to do something on Pope, but Pope rolls him up for a pinwin elmination. Robert Roode comes in to stomp on the black man, but it's TIEM FOR COMMERSIALS.

When we return, it's Kaz beating on the black guy, then tagging in AJ Styles, who irish whips him, picks him up in a side slam position and Kaz slingshot drops a legdrop on him. The Taz then shills ERIC BISCHOFF'S SON HURRDURR REFEREE for doing his job properly when a pin on Blackadictus I pin gets 2. Matt Morgan gets tagged in when AJ misses an attack, and AJ tags in THA KAZ.

Kaz somehow for some reason is all hesitant, and he circles around Morganite and such, then points at Samoa Joe and such. Samoa Joe wants sum, and so Joe is tagged in. Not a wise choice, stupid. Joe punches his fucking face, then irish whips him, and Kaz tries to springboard moonsault, and Joe ups his BADASSITUDE by smuggly stepping aside so Kaz crashes, and Joe SPLODES on the guise, beating them off the apron, then beating down Kaz. He grabs Kaz's arm, twists it, then tags in TEH DOUGLAS.

TEH DOUGLAS beats up on Kaz with some weak uppercuts, then tries a move but gets caught in a floatover thing by KAAZ. Pin gets 2. They bring him into the corner to beat on him while Morgan TURNS HEEL to distract the referee. THat's the only possible justification! Meanwhile Samoa Joe argues with the Pope. OH NOESZ SHENANIGANS! Williams jumps onto Kaz's shoulders, beats him down, then gets into some killer thing they call ROLLING CHAOS with a German Suplex at the end and... I guess it was a three count, but Kaz kind of fell out of the pin. He eliminated

AJ Styles now beating up on TEH DOUGLAS and tags in Robert Roode. TEH DOUGLAS crawls to Roode, but Roode punches him up, then smashes him in the corner, and then choppies. Scoop slam by Roode, and he hops onto the turnbuckle second rope and does his big knee drop thing. Pin gets 2. Roode picks up TEH DOUGLAS but TEH DOUGLAS slides out, European Uppercuts, then sort of keels over into the corner. Pope and Samoa Joe BOTH blindtagged Williams. OH NOESZ SHENANIGANS! CONTROVERSY! CONTRIVED STUPIDITY! Pope and Joe then start killshitting each other, and going up towards the commentator's table.

Meanwhile in the ring, match continues, but... show over. Yup. Show's over. TEH DOUGLAS gets eliminated and it's apparently just Matt Morgan left, but show's over.

WINNAR: Edge and Christian. I don't fucking know. I haven't seen Edge or Christian on RAW in a while, so maybe they're going to TNA.

TNA YAY: That last match was SO awesome it just HAD to end abruptly without resolution. THank you TNA for depriving me of wrestling!

TNA BOO: Stop icing Ric Flair. I don't think he's even sober when he's on iMPACT anyway.

TNA WTF: The past several months have shown us; if you hold out on the TNA iMPACT viewing audience for the result of some match or backstage thingy by forcing them to watch TNA ReAction or else miss it, the audience invariably chooses in a large degree to miss it. Based on my imaginatory TNA, Batman debuted last week, and now Edge and Christian debuted this week. THANKS, TNA ReACTION!

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).