I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. There's a recap and such of TNA Turning Point which was supposedly a great show. I say "supposedly" because it didn't have Hulk Hogan in it. Therefore, it can only be shit. Hulk Hogan for TNA! Anything less is bullcrap, dude.

Mick Foley is first to come out. Did you know he was on The Daily Show a few nights ago? Of course you did, because I just told you now. With Foley is Chris Parks, still with his retard hand clapping, as well as looking like a hooligan.

Foley has a patch over his eye because he apparently nearly lost it, despite him being on The Daily Show a few nights ago THIS VERY WEEK, in fact AFTER this episode first aired, with both eyes working. See, if TNA doesn't even give a shit about their characters' continuity, why the fuck should we care about the characters period?

Foley whines about Rhino conspiracy thing about them hating Foley and how he needed to show his ID in order to get in, even though the security people knew who he was. THat doesn't make sense on so many levels. Foley says tonight he and CHris Parks will fight someone. I think it was Raven and Doctor. Speaking of Raven, here he is with Doctor and Nirvana ripoff music!

Raven hilariously plops down and sits on the edge of the ramp, while DOctor says stuff. Daffy has less eye-area makeup, which is good. Doctor Stevie is all like "You tried to put me in a match and send me out of TNA forever, so what did you expect?" I expected him to win, lulz. But he didn't, really. Or did he? I don't even remember. He then erroneously claims Foley had his face burned off. The Daily Show, folks. Doctor says they will end this war. By surrendering, right? That's the best way to end a war. I love doing that in online video games, I shout "I'M GOING TO END THIS WAR RIGHT NOW!" then leave the game. HAHA.

Raven is all saying how Foley's eye injury only makes Foley more worried about Hulk Hogan and stuff, and wonders if Mick can even make a match anymore or if he has to do stuff with asking TNA Management. He's mocking Foley as Foley freaks out, and my head hurts so I can't cover his exact words, but it's typical "Too good for TNA" stuff. The Taz correctly points out that Raven just owned Mick Foley's mind.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I have a whole big essay regarding how the old style Klingons (TOS era) are better than the new style Klingons (everywhere else). It involves a lot of accusations of racism, but honestly, how can you not see the blatant racism in making an all-black race go from sophisticated imperialists to slobbering, hairy, smelly, bad-toothed, hack-growl talking, knife-wielding, bad-tempered savages who would rather attain individual honor and glory than win battles?

Backstooge, Jay Bee talks about them Kurt Angles and AJ Smiles teaming up against Christoph and Desmond Tutu. He's thinking how did he lose the title to AJ if it were Matthias MOrganite who BOOTed his face. He very subtly implies that he shouldve gotten a title shot rather than Christoph, because you can't have a TNA main event without Angle for longer than three months. Bowflex is in his future. AJ is angry and they both leave. OOH I see tensions for their tag team match!

Scott Steiner w/ a shiny pipe vs Amazing Job

Don West is so loud, it sounds like he has a microphone as he yells at Red as they go down the ramp. The announcers make fun of his spiffy red shirt. Sad face. He then shouts at them at the camera, mad that Steiner is facing Jobber. Speaking of jobs, here is the Amazing one being smacked by Steiner in the turnbuckle with his chops, then monkey tossed. He clotheslines but misses, Red runs at him, hops onto the apron, then flips over him and starts kicking at his legs, then dropkicks.

Red jumps and taps at Steiner's chest, and someone close to the camera goes "Ha-ha!" at him mockingly. Don West now has a microphone on him. Scott Steiner quickly gets advantage, and gets a body press drop on him. I know all the proper names from wrestling games. Steiner irish whips the other guy, then clotheslines him. Forgot his name, sorry. Steiner does his mocking elbow dorp into pushups, then starts choking him. Steiner clubs at his back, then picks him into a belly to belly spinning suplex, then pinfalls, but only lets him a two. Then he tells Don to shut up.

Steiner puts Red into position for a suplex, then lets him slide down into a Tombstone-like position, then does what I knew was a Rikishi driver and I forgot the name. He then leaves the ring, fetches his shiny pipe and the championship belt. He then hits him with the pipe and snatches the title to push on his face and punch at. WINNAR: The jobber, surprisingly

Bubby lashley runs out to save him, and undoubtedly do nothing while Steiner backs away and screams at him. I sure hope it's not TNA giving me a headache.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

Backstage with an awkward standing around of Kevin Nash and Eric Jung, with Jay Bee asking Kevin Nash questions as he fondles the Leges championship, and Eric Young looks like a 'tard. Kevin Nash is all like This is not the former Leges championship belt, but that it's Eric Young's global championship belt thingy, then gives it to him, and says Eric Young outsmarted the smartest man in wrestling history---Kevin Nash. ANd now he wants to party with Eric Young, then starts talking about another guy Eric's size who he tagged with and made history with him, then asks Young if he wants to tag with him or something. Eric Young is like a little retard here and it's like he has no problem with Nash being an American or something. By the end of the night, Mick Foley will get some answers. Answers will arrive later tonight.

The Motor guys and Beer Money vs The World Leet's job squad

I've always wondered if these beer drinkers like James Swift, Steve Austin, Sandman ever drank REAL beer during these instances or if it were fake beer of some sort. Why would they allow them to drink REAL beer? Just one gets you buzzed. People like Sandman and Austin drink a shitload of them. Don't they worry about them getting too drunk to wrestle? Well, fuck Sandman, he gets drunk anyway, it's ECW and they can afford to to handle the lawsuits.

EARL FUCKING HEBNER gets in Eric Young's face at the commentator table and bitches at him. Young is all smug like "You can trust me I respect you... FUCKING OLD MAN" he adds as Hebber leaves. Then Hebber gets the guy to ANNOUNCE public humiliation for that ugly fuck that if he interferes, World Elite will lose. Then the match starts with Kiyoshimitsu and James Kirk, with lots of running and arm drags by Kirk, then a powerslam and quick pin which fails. Kiyushi then held while Sabin is tagged in, kicks him, then tags in Shelley. Now they double team him a bit with their fast moves.

Now Robot Shelley handles the jap, then the sandnegro distracts Shelith so the slant-eye can attack him, then boot him in teh face when he runs at him. The Taz does not like Nashicles standing behind him, so he tells him to stand behind Michael TNA. Sheik Abdul Bashir gets in now and stomps down Alex in the corner, then brings him up to do a side slam, and a pinfail. Another pinfail. Then he picks up Shelley and tags in the slant-eye, who is all like "I CHOP YOU" and punches his ribs. Now he is on the turnbuckle and more "I PUNCH YOU" and now he punches on the guy's face.

Now the Jappo runs at him and knees him in the guts. Then he grabs at ALex for a Vulcan nerve pinch, but Shelley is a robot, so it doesn't affect him, and now they extend choppity, until the Japanese guy boots him, then tries to clothesline him into a corner, but Alexei dorps him face-first into the turnbuckle. Now Christopher Sabinov is tagged in and he is all fast shit kicking on Brutus Magnus, who seemingly magically appeared in place of the Japanese guy. Sabin sprinboard clotheslines him, then pinfails.

They all just run into the ring and now is the time in the match where they just ignore tag team rules. Robot Shelley shoves TEH DOUG onto the apron then uses Sabin as a platform to kick him. Beer Munny beats on the unAmerican on the ramp with a double suplex. Chris Sabin is choking Brutal with his foot, then punching on him. OH NOESZ! Beer Money start shittalking at Young, and BIG ROID TEWRRY comes out to clothesline Brutus, and the Murder guns now in control with some big-ass double team moves and a pinfail without the fail.

WINNAR: Beer Money and the Detroid people

Eric Young goes to scream and yell at Big Roid, and so does everyone else. I feel so sorry for him... he looks like he's about to cry.

When we come back, Mick Foley goes to Kevin Nash all like "you gotta tell me something" and they're all like he's Hogan's boy. HAHA "BOY"! Kevin Nash points that out, all like "I stopped being a boy in 68 when my dad died". Kevin Nash is all like "you get my money back, I'll get you all the answers to questions etcetera" but not in those words. Kevin Nash then says Hogan's not coming alone, and Foley's all like "WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?" because it's not obvious enough that someone else is debuting with him.

Exact same video package aired last week with Hogan shilling himself, and loads of sycophants with one particular asshole saying Hogan to TNA is "the best move ever" and "I am not watching wrestling on Monday Nights anymore, I am now watching on Thursday Nights". What a fucking tool piece of shit. Not to mention that by what he said, he's saying he's NEVER WATCHED TNA BEFORE AND NEVER WOULD IF IT WEREN'T FOR HULK HOGAN.

Speaking of pieces of shit, here's Chris Parks whining at Mick Foley, worrying about his fake eye. I think there was a subtle penis joke thrown in by him saying with one eye, his TNA referee application would be approved, since there's no jobs for blind wrestlers, then name drops Slick Johnson. Foley laughs and jokes and mocks how funny it was what happened to him then snaps NO IT'S NOT FUNNY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME LAST WEEK and such. Chris Parks is like "when you do what we do, getting hurt comes with the territory". He then says he expects years of his life to be taken to causing pain and misery and suffering on those who did so to him. Having played Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 I have a bunch of shit to say to that:

"If you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves." - Kung Fu Tzu
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" - Mohandas Gandhi

I can't remember any of hte others, so I'll just post a quote I love from "Gates of Fire", a book about the Battle of Thermopylae which makes "300" look like a Disney cartoon in comparison, has this quote that has more dry Spartan wit than the entire movie eight times over:

"The masons were ordered to destroy as much of the trail as possible, and also to chisel into the stone in plainest view the following message:

Greeks conscripted by Xerxes:
If under compulsion you must fight us your brothers, fight badly."

Speaking of fighting badly, Mick Foley says he's mad at the choice made by Dixie Carter in not telling him that Hulk Hogan was being brought in. Chris Parks is not happy with whatever Foley said that I totally ignored or else misinterpreted.

Hamada vs Taylor Wilde

It starts with Taylor headlock takeover but Hamada gets her legs over her head, then they do the exact same thing but in different places. Why the fuck would Hamada do the exact same thing done to her immediately after it was done? Hamada then runs around and Taylor jumps around, then Taylor jumps and headscissors her, which Hamada Hogans, then DDTs and pinfails.

Hamada lifts Taylor up, Taylor flips off, then smacks Hamada, then attacks her from the turnbuckle jumping springboardy thing. Then she boots her and pinfails. Taylor misses a clothesline and has her face pressed against with gravitational force by Hamada's footwear. Then Hamada moonsaults her.

Taylor tries to clothesline but is caught in to a powerbomb attempt but Taylor squiggly-doos out of it and tries to pin. Fail, then another pin attempt. Attempted powerbomb/hurricanrana position thing into a nother pin attempt. Hamada kicks her in the head, sick of her shit. Now Hamada picks her up but Taylor skisp out and tries for a German suplex, but Hamada kicks her in the head AGAIN. Benoit, lol. Hamada then with her self-named finisher and winsz.

WINNAR: The Hamada

Backstaqge AGAIN with Chris Parks. Good God man. Chris Parks slowly wrecks the room he's in, then shoves a desk up against the door for some reason. Maybe I should have paid attention to that prior promo.

ANOTHER HULK HOGAN self-shilling promo. The more butt-licking praises I see them pour upon Hogan, the more I start to see Mark Madden's opinions on Hogan and Carter as right. Hogan says he will make TNA number 1 in the shortest amount of time in this business. And we can bank on it. Mhm, I bank some money on that there 70 year old overthehill cripple wrestler... ta lose!

Doctor Stevie and Raven Levy w/o eyebrows vs Chris Parks and maybe Mick Foley

I say maybe because they only now explain that Chris was blocking the door to Foley's office with that desk. His music plays anyway, but nothing happens except Chris Parks attacking the heels from behind outside, throwing Raven into the ring and beating on Doctor. Raven then comes back to punch on him, then get slammed into the metal railing. Chris Parks then 'Tards Up, but Raven jumps on his back, and now that enables Raven and Doctor Stevie to quickly turn this thing around, watch out! BEEEEEEEEP! Exact words of Mike Tenay and one of the wrestlers. See, cos it was censored.

Chris Parks gets put in the ring and bell rings for match start. Doctor punching on Chris's face, then he steals Chris's taunt for big time momentum boost. Raven now tagged in and he kicks and punches at Chris. Now Chris ends up in turnbuckle and gets booted in the throat. Chris Parks gets on the second rope only to be double teamed by them as Raven holds him down and Doctor stands on his back. Exactly how this is supposed to hurt is given no realistic depiction.

Chris Parks suddenly Tards Up again and starts punching on them both. He irish whips Raven into Doctor, both on one turnbuckle, them splashes them like a fatty. He tries a double chokeslam but they kick him. Raven gets clotheslined by Chris, then Chris tries his shitty "break my own ass before the other guy gets hurt" finisher, but Raven now has a lighter in his hand, and the referee is distracted by NOTHING AT ALL and Raven tried to fireball bur Chris slips him away. The referee decides to be happy to Chris and give him the shitty win.

WINNAR BY DQ: Chris Parks

Raven and Chris now fighting outside, and Doctor attacks him from behind.

Okay, taking a break here, seriously people. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE REFEREE DISTRACTED BY?! He was looking outside the ring and yelling and gesticulating--AT NO ONE! DAFFNEY WASN'T FUCKING THERE! NO ONE WAS FUCKING THERE! HE WAS FUCKING DISTRACTED BY NOTHING!

Speaking of nothing, Doctor and Raven start choking Chris with an electrical wire provided by Daffney. Then we cut to commercials. Before you can say "Double-you Tee Eff", we return from commercials and NOT to the previous thing.

Instead, we get ODB with her talk show again, welcoming us to Homicide, whom we can see on shows like COPS and America's Most Wanted. AS THE PRODUCER AND HEAD WRITER, stupid! What, did you think she meant he was a spic criminal on those shows? You're racist. They talk about Suicide. Homicide says Suicide has crabs, and he's mad at Homicide because he's a fugly biatch and Homicide knows what he looks like and such. He then wants a title shot at ODB's thing, and wants to turn this show from PG13 to M. They drink some liquor and dance. 17 AND UP ONLY! THAT IS SOME MATURE DANCING.

Completely without ANY fucking build-up or mystery, or maybe inserting him where a big bald assailant against THE main eventer of the company storyline is needed, here is Tomko out of BUTTFUCK NOWHERE being interviewed by Lauren. WHAT. THE. FUCK! He basically says almost nothing, except "Hey, I'm back, TNA looks great, bye".

Here to warm my hearts by agreeing, the Horrible People come and sarcastically mock Tomko's shitty interview. Velvet Sky pretends to be an interviewer, smashing and smearing Lauren's shitty interviewing style, acting like it was a nightmare that makes them throw up in their mouths thinking about it.

WHAT DOES HULK HOGAN'S ARRIVAL IN TNA WRESTLING MEAN TO AJ STYLES? Being kicked out of a room by Hogan for asking too many questions. I am not fucking joking. That is the very last thing he said, and the only thing he said that was longer than a one-sentence ass-kissing puff piece.

Alissa Flash vs Sarita

Starts with Cheerleader Melissa knocking Sarita up and not calling her in the morning. Sarita then clips her chest, then backflips off the turnbuckle onto her. Now some lazy punches being thrown. Irish whip by Flash onto Sarita, she tries to sprinboard crossbody but Flash just kicks her in the fucking guts. Ownedface. Now she chokes on Sarita on the ground, and cockteases the crowd by zipping up her jacket after having unzipped it for a bit. Running elbow drops on her now, then a pinfail.

Flash then unzips her coat, then zips it back up. That is seriosuly the only memorable thing about this match. People are chanting "SHOW SOME T!" Irish whip attempt by Raesha fails and Sarita belly to belly suplexes her. Sarita starts kicking at her, but then Flash runs, but gets springboard dropkicked by her. Pinfail by Sarita. Now she picks her up and catches Alissa in a move only to be reversed into a back drop. Pinfail. She's angry she can't win a match without a finisher.

She unzips her coat again, then picks up Sarita for a scoop slam but she slips out, then Sarita flips around her body after she picks her up again, but Alissa kicks out. Sarita then just kicks her in the head, with that reversal enzuigiri thing that you get in wrestling games where you kick, they catch your foot, and you just flip around and kick them with your other foot. That kick looked shitty as she just clipped Alissa's hair. Still, Melissa keels over and Sarita accomplishes what I said Melissa wanted to accomplish earlier.

WINNAR: Sarita

Traci Brooks comes out to be completely useless. She gets on top of Alissa and smacks at her with cheesy little girl slaps and such. Jenna Morasca will sue.

Backstage, Mick Foley is chasing the three guys he's feuding with, and he sees one of the guys in the form of Daffney. Then the other two predictably ambush him and rip off Captain Spaulding, then rip off Foley's quote.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Anything can be sold so long as it has googly eyes on its butt.

Team 3D and Rhino vs The young guys replacing them

The young guys replacing them just run at them and killshit them, because ONLY OLD GOOBERS USE ENTRANCES ANYMORE! Hernandez and Matt Morgan beat on the Doodley boys, and the Pope beats on the War Machine Rhino. Hernandez tried to jump out of the ring to land on Rhino and Devon, but Buh Buh clotheslines him in the way, then irish whips him, but Hernandez shoves him away and goes to jump and do his thing.

Matt Morgan and Pope moved out of the way for that, and now the Pope throws a garbage can full of stuff in the ring. Quick cutaway to Bruther Ray hilariously saying something that sounds like "BEAT UP BY A MEXICAN!" The Pope tries to attack Buh Buh with two garbage can lids, but Buh Buh punches him, then stalls, so the Pope smacks him. Buh Buh does something which I feel just cannot be taken seriously to be considered legitimate selling... he stands still, then after the last hit, throws himself on his face. It was fast and hilarious, yes, but it was too doofy to be kayfabe.

Matt Morgan gets back in the ring with Devon while the other guys just leave the ring to brawl. Devon gets a garbage can put over him, and Morgan does his shitty elbow back thing on the turnbuckle, then runs at Devon and splashes him, then punches him down when he gets off. Pinfail attempt. Then it fails. Devon leaves the ring so Hernandez and Rhino can fight, and Bruther Ray can smack Devon with a cookie sheet thing.

Rhino gets Hernandez in a superplex attempt but SUPER MEX (see what I did there?) shoves him off. The Pope puts a cookie sheet thing on Rhino's chest and Hernandez jumps on him. The Dudley Boys then rush in and attack the Pope, then get Hernandez to do their Black-on-Balls violence, but the Pope comes in to beat them off with a kendu stick. The BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE then throws Devoy off the top rope, and all the young guys are in the ring to play with Devon. They put the kendu stick on Devon's penis, then the Pope elbow drops his penis.

The Pope infringes on a gimmick by playing the Devon and saying GET THE TABLES and suck. Morganite gives the camera a big shot of his big ass while setting up a table outside the ring. Buh Buh is laid out ont hat table and the Pope smishes up Devon with trash can lids. Morganite tries to leg dorp Buh Buh, but Buh Buh slips off the table and makes Morgan a fool.

He then rushes into the ring just in time to catch the Pope in a 3D with Devon. Hernandeo then double clotheslines them, then gets Rhino for a Bordar toss, but drops him so he can punch Devon with the chair in his face. He then GORES Rhino, or rather SPEARCHUCKS him. OMFG JESSE FAIL HAS RETURNED and he attacks Hernandez with a steel chair and he drags Rhino's arm over him. JESSE FAIL has tattoos all over and piercings in his lip and tongue and a full-on mohawk and shit.

WINNAR: The old guys who were going to be replaced by the young guys

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Something's seriously wrong with FOX news when GERALDO RIVERA is the VOICE OF REASON on the network.

Backstage comes with the old guys and Jesse Neal and Rhino all like "I'm proud of you now but not back how you were" and he touches Jesse and Jesse's like "DON'T TOUCH ME!" and he's all pretending to be evil and growly and such, and Team 3D is like "DIS IS DA FUTCHA OF TNA" and such. Jesse Neal has to say you have to train with the most hardcore to be the most hardcore. He looks weird. Maybe it's from wearing thick hoodies, but I never noticed how muscly he was. He can barely speak while acting all growly and stuff. The testosterone is so thick, Jay Bee looks like a little girl expecting to be raped.

Michael Tenay apologizes to us that an interview with Sting was scheduled, but he no-showed. They then show us video footage of someone who looks like Sting sitting outside his house waiting, then just leaving.

Backstage now with Stiffassed Brit and his British wit in saying "Mr Mangled" and shit. CHristoph is angry that Lauren doesn't ask why Desmoy and Christoph tagging is big stuff or something. Christopher Daniels is all like AJ can't beat him and that he deserves a 1 on 1 title shot because he didn't get beaten at TNA TUrning Point, which is exactly what DID happen.

Desmond Tutu and Christopher Pike vs AJ Styles and Mister Mangled

Speaking of stupid, where in the fuck did this sudden "I don't like you anymore AJ STyles" thing come from with Kurt Angle after WEEKS of pimping him out and such? It starts with Angle headlocking Desmond a bunch. Desmoy then--- oh wait, it's Christopher Daniels. Daniels headscissored for a split second, then breaks out, then another headlock, then Daniels backs away and is all lazy against the turnbuckle waiting for a bit before they start up again, lock-up. Daniels knees him, then clubs his back, then shoves Kurt against the turnbuckle, and boots his gut.

Strikes by Daniels in the corner, the forearm shots, then Kurt gets up and european uppercuts, runs but get sdropkicked. Then he tries to tag in the Wolfe, but Angle snaps out of Daniels and points at Wolfe, wanting Daniels to tag him in without a double team thing. Christopher then stares at AJ, so Kurt Angle tags in Christopher Daniels for some reason. They dance around, then Desmond Wolfe gets tagged in, and people bitch at Daniels while Wolfe looks like a fat piece of shit. They lock up, then Desmond snapmares him, then gets reversed into AJ armwrenching, but then Desmond reverses.

Desmond tries some shit, and AJ armwrenches him again, then jumps around as he runs, then dropkicks him to end. Desmoy gets back up and backbreakered by AJ Style. Now Kurt Angle gets tagged in and he kicks Nigel, then gets him on the turnbuckle and punches him, then shoulders him. Irish whip is reversed and Nigel runs at him and gets booted. Then Daniels comes and kicks Angle in the back, so Nigel McGuinness can impress us with his ROH style wrestling... by doing a move made famous by being Stone Cold Steve Austin's primary weak grapple move in WWF No Mercy. Or something like that. Basically just holding Kurt's arm and stomping on the ground as though it hurt.

Christopher Daniels gets tagged in and he wrenches on Angle's arm a bit, then tags Nigel back in and he holds ANgle's arm, then overhead suplexes him by it, and pinfails. Kurt quickly punches him up, but then gets NASTILY snapped his arm with a spinny thing on it that looked horribly painful. Christopher Daniels gets tagged back in to club at Kurt, but Kurt catches him in a belly to belly suplex when Daniels fails something. Kurt tags in AJ Styles, and Daniels tags in Nigel. AJ killshits him a bunch, then tries for a Styles Clash which is broken out of, then OMFG PELE~!!111onetyone1!1!!!1

Up on the turnbuckle now, AJ gets jerked off by Christopher Daniels, and Nigel does a shitty move that the Taz calls a Tower of London. Angle decides now is the time to ignore tag rules and chases Desmond away. Daniels then comes and does his bowel movement extreme and pins.

WINNAR: Nigel McGuinness and Christopher Daniels

People are suddenly booing him, just because he was AJ Styles' opponent or something. Daniels is all wacky posing and such. Also, that's the end of the episode.

Boy am I glad that is over. That was horribly painful and took far longer to watch than it should have. Could it just be the fact that I need to type stuff and occasionally pause for piss breaks that watching a 2 hour episode of iMPACT!, sometimes without commercials, takes me 4 or 5 hours? Or is it that much of a gaping suckfest?

Let me run over what was memorable from the actual wrestling tonight: Alissa Flash zipped and unzipped her coat a bunch. That is all.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com