On an off-handed note, how many 1.1 - 1.2 ratings will TNA iMPACT suffer on a weekly basis before they realize it's just not working out? If they're anything like me, dawg, NEVER! STAY THE COURSE! FULL FAIL AHEAD!
Speaking of which, out comes Ric Flair. Ric Flair shills that the house is packed, and this is a victory for Immoral and FOURTUNE and such. Which says quite a lot about TNA. A lot of something or other. Ric Flair says Morgan made the mistake of punching out FOURTUNE last week and punching out Ric Flair. So they decided for a rematch tonight with Ric Flair as special referee against Jeff Hardy. He say he will be refereed by God. By gawd. He wants Morganite out to the ring now so he can tell him to his face PROBLEM? See, I added that random PROBLEM? there because Ric Flair randomly spouted it at the end of his sentence in a way that is unfitting and rather nonsensical.
So this brings out Matt Morgan, and The Taz somehow believes that Ric Flair will referee right down the middle. Being Mike Tenay, he complains but then says Taz is probably right. Fucking Mike Tenay. Ric Flair then confronts Morgan and says Matt always says "Hey Naitch, how ya doing" down the halls, and now the NAITCH privilege has been revoked. Only friends can call him Naitch! NOT YOU, MORGAN! Flair wonders why Matt would turn his face away from God.
Yeah, why would you turn your face away from God?
Now, Flair says he could have FOURTUNE come out and kick his ass now. Morgan's all suspiciousy looking and FLair's like HEY DONT LOOK OVER THERE keep your eyes on Gaad. So he's tleling Morgan if he dont like the referee decision, he has to beat Ric Flair tonight.
WOOAAAOOO stop. Isn't the match tonight supposed to be Matt Morgan vs Jeff Hardy for the champtionship while Ric Flair is referee?
Morgan says wrasslin Ric Flair is on his bucket list, so yah, and Flair freaks out. He jibbers some incoherent things, then says he's gonna kick Morgan's ass. I don't know what the fuck he was trying to say about Hulk Hogan and standing 100 yards and bitchslapping, but ITS FRUM RIC FLAIR SO ITS INSTANT CLASSIC FIVE STAR PROMO WITH A BROOMSTICK.
Morgan says he's not gonna do his talking here, he's gonna do his talking when his boot is rectally inserted into Flair. Maybe I'm the crazy one here, but I thought that a company's WORLD Championship belt is supposed to be something of immense prestige that everyone should be fighting for---like if it had a 24/7 defense rule, it'd be like the WWF Hardcore title in 2000. So why would Morgan give up a title shot to curbstomp an old man legally?
Better question: What kind of sick fuck would rather wrestle for a gold belt than curbstomp an old man legally?
Backstage, THOSE GUYS wander around backstage, and Vickie Guerrero strides out all like YOU HAVE A MATCH TONIGHT? I'll be watching and she smacks their butts.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is it that redheads neither have red heads or red hair? Orange is not red. Brown is not red. Blonde is not red.
"Mixed" Tag Team Match
Jay Lethal, Motor City Machine Gunnaz, and Velvet vs Generation Those Guys, Robbie E, and the female
When they initially said mixed, there were nof emales out, so I figured they meant mixed because Jay Lethal was in it. Fucking sexists. I want to see females wrestling males again. The closest we come is one of Generation Buck wrestling Jay Lethal. Then Alex Shelley is quickly tagged in to bop him on the arm with from the turnbuckle thing. Then they make Max Hardy look like a faggot by punching him bac k and forth between all the guys in the team. They then get the faggot in the corner upside down, and Velvet steps on his nonexistant nuts to hold him down while one of them dropkicks his face.
Alex Shelley then tries to punch him, but his gayboy brother yanks him out of the ring. the New Jersey guy then holds onto him like a faggot, but he somehow escapes and gets into the ring so the Max Buck can lay on top of him and pin gets 2. They then tag in Snooki. She stomps on Shelley. FEMALE ON MALE VIOLENCE! ACT UP, SPIKE TV! DO SOMETHING! She flees and tags in Robbie V and he gets shoved in the corner by Alex Shelley, and the Hardly Boys beat up on him. Shelley tries to run at them, but the two young whippersnappers keep him back and do some doubleteam work on him before they tag in someone else, I think.
Max Hardly gets tossed out of the ring and Shelley jawbreakers Jeff Buck and then Robbie V gets tagged in. He holds Shelley's leg and then fistpumps and crotch grinds, and then Shelley enzuirigis him. Jay Lethal gets hottagged in to push people over, and he springboard moonsaults into Matt Buck when Jeff Buck ducked, the dumb fuck. Robbie E then in and gets punched up. Snooki then tries to attack Lethal, but he blocks. FEMALE ON MALE VIOLENCE! ACT UP, SPIKE TV! DO SOMETHING! She then flees and Sabin gets tagged in and he springboard crossbody's Jeff Buck, and then everyone just gets in to brawl. Velvet then spinning headscissor's Jeff Buck. FEMALE ON MALE VIOLENCE! ACT UP, SPIKE TV! DO SOMETHING!
The Gunnaz double kick Jeff Buck in the corner, then Velvet tackles Snooki and. Oh wait, Snooki is the real one. This one is called Cookie. Speaking of homosexuals, Matt Hardly sprays hairspray in Sabin's face and Jeff Buck pins for the wins.
WINNAR: Generation Young Bucks and Robbie E
Backstage, J E DOUBLE F HA HA J A DOUBLE R E DOUBLE T engages in some DOUBLE M A style bouncing around with a hoodie, like he's fucking Brock Lesnar or whoever the hell is a UFC. I don't like boxing. I like it even less when they get on the ground and hug. You're only bullshitting yourself if you say "THAT'S NOT WHAT MMA IS"
Yeah, I insulted your shit, people-like-James-Swift-but-not-exactly-directed-entirely-at-James-Swift! You sure feel screwed when you pay 60$ for a pay per view COLOSSAL main event of Big Bald Muscly Guy vs Big Bald Muscly Guy w/ Tribal Tattoos (from the Hipster Tribe of northern Oregon) and it ends in 2.2 seconds by a pop to the face from one guy to the other. MONEY WELL SPENT, FAGGOT!
But I don't knock the MMA fighter guys; they're very lucky to be in a position where they're paid way more than wrestlers for doing 80% less work. Cry bitch and moan when you lose a fight and have to wait eight months before fighting again, a wrestler is fighting 340 days a year, every year, until they quit or die.
Elsewhere backstage, THOSE GUYS are about, and Motor Guns attack them with light pushes and words. How about an EMPTY ARENA MATCH at some point? Because who wants to sell tickets to big matches? Not TNA!
Elsewhere backstage, Jeff Jarrett says he's got a newfound love for MMA, and basically yells at Gunner and Murphy that they have to be otuside the building, and to NOT let Kurt Angle in the building. He randomly brings in Jay Bee and Jarrett says Kurt Angle said he would retire if he didn't win the fchampionship and he didn't and ANgle didn't retire, so obviously Kurt Angle is the good guy for being an Indian Giver lying sack of shit and Jarrett is the bad guy for calling him out on this.
He's also the bad guy for smacking Jay Bee HARD with his MMA gloves. Obvious sarcasm ahoy~!!~!! Jay Bee mumbles in a warbling voice, like he gon cry. Jarrett says they're going to make this company profitable, once and for all! See my above comment near start of the recap.
Video recap for Kurt Angle's stuff over the past few months. Moving along.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Did you know that your shit is brown because it's colored by tons of dead red blood cells?
Jay Bee in the ring now being a tool and introducing Jeff Jarrett. I somehow saw this coming at some point, but Jeff Jarrett enters flanked by shirtless, fit, sweaty young men. Make of that what you will.
Jarrett bounces around like a fairy, then bops JB in the face. Now JB saying what we are about to witness is an exhibition, and the moves being performed are being performed by professionals. Jarrett snatches the microphone telling the truck to put up a disclaimer for the hearing impaired. They will be displaying an AAARMBAAAAR. Jarrett says he's been in THOUUUSANDS of fights... bar fights, in the ring, out of the ring, etcetera. He does a bad Bas Rutten by talking about deflecting a haymaker, and hiptosses one of the guys, then AAAARMBAAAARs him and makes him tap tap tap out.
People start chanting "BOOORIIING" and such. Yes, I do think MMA is boring. He now displays when you're on your back, slip on a banana peel or something, he says he's best when he's on his back ZING! So many gay jokes tonight. He then flips one of the guys over onto his front, while LEGBARing him in a very gay position, and makes him tap tap tap out.
The next move is the ANKLE LOCK, to utter silence. He says the Ankle Lock has been perfected by a guy he knows very very well, a guy who has been a champion all over the world, even inside the TNA ring, and has perfected the ankle lock; Ken Shamrock. OH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT?! See, because everyone figured it was gonna be Kurt Angle, but I'M smart enough to know that it was called the Shamrock Ankle Lock in WWF Wrestlemania 2000, and Jarrett must've played that video game, too! It was the last WWF game he was in.
He then drops a guy downn and puts an Ankle Lock. Next move is a Rear Naked Choke. Jarrett makes a terrible sex joke that goes over like... well, it doesn't go over. He shows us how to get a rear naked choke, and wraps his legs around the guy, and he taps out, and Jarrett... grinds his crotch into his back. Like, wildly. GAY JOKES AHOY! Samoan Yusuf is sick of this shit and comes out now.
He calls Jeff a sad, silly, son of a bitch, and says how about you spar with ME. Jarrett's like I'll one up ya... he's got two students left. There's like eight of them in the ring, and he only took down like four of them. So Samoa Joe has to beat on them and then he gets a submission match against Jarrett or something.
So they send two guise in to face off Yusufus, and the white kid with the tribal tattoo grabs at Joe, and Joe flips him over, and he taps out before Joe even puts a submission hold on. Faggot. Now the black guy goes in, and Joe hugs him, then turns around and slams him down, and puts him in some complicated submission hold thing. Now it's match tiem.
Samoa Joe vs Jeff Jarrett
Chants of JOE GONNA KILL YOU and Jarrett looks extremely cowardly for some odd reason. Bell ring and now match starts... with the MMA guys still in the ring. Jarrett just throws them all at Joe and Joe killshits them easily. Jarrett runs away, and the black guy shoves Joe from behind. So, uhh...
WINNAR BY DQ: Samoa Joe?
See, I put a question mark because I actually care enough about the match setups and such and TNA doesn't.
Backstage, Stevie Richards talks to Raven, about how everyone wants to screw EV2.0 and now they're going to kick Jeff Hardy's ass. They say they lost the FBI and Sabu and Rhino. When were the FBI here? The Brian Kendrick says he looked outside his window and saw birds and such. Then Raven says he gonna give them the bird. Apparently this match with him is a win or be fired match.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 'Redneck' used to be a positive term for pro-union workers.
Raven vs Jeff Hardy
The fuck you think.
WINNAR: Jeff Harvey
One of the company's biggest assets against a guy who regularly bounces in for a few paychecks before bouncing out, with no buildup whatsoever, are you FUCKING STUPID? YES?! Oh. I'm sorry. Well if it helps any, I didn't watch the match either. So ECW GUISE come out to stand around Raven and Hulk Hogan comes out to stand around Jeff Hardy and be all like "Dixie Carter had the GALL to say that this worthless EV2 meant to wrestling what Hulk Hogan meant to wrestling?" STOP SHOOTING, BOLLEA~!!~!!!!!
Raven then gets up and storms up the ramp, but Stevie Richards stops him. Hogan says "'WHAT ABOUT ME?' WAA WAA RAVEN" HURRDURR WWF RAVEN and then says he's fired.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Christmas is just Saturnalia with Jesus
When we return, nobody gives a shit about Raven anymore as Tommy Dreamer calls out RHINO! Tommy wants him to come out here and explain himself. YEAH, EXPLAIN WHY YOU WANTED TO BE POPULAR AND MAKE MONEY AND NOT GET SHITKICKED ON A REGULAR BASIS OR ELSE JUST LET GO WHEN YOUR CONTRACT EXPIRED AND NONE OF THE ECW GUISE EVEN GAVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT AND ERIC BISCHOFF OFFERED HIM AN EXTENSION AND THEN BISCHOFF WENT AND TOLD THE ECW GUISE AND ROB VAN DAM FLIPPED OUT BUT THEN STOPPED GIVING A SHIT BECAUSE IT INVOLVED RHINO! Rhino says he initially told Eric to kiss his ass, but when Rhino actually sat down and thought about "Why is Immortal the heel faction, again?" he realized he was in TNA YEARS before Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam, and once Dreamer and Rob Van came in, they stole the spotlight and the glory and Rhino became an afterthought. STOP SHOOTING, TERR~!@#!@#
Tommy says he never said Rhino took a backseat, that he thought Rhino was one of the best wrestlers int he company. Oh bullshit. Tommy never said shit. Tommy says they believed in TNA and such and the fact that Rhino's contract expired is just a part of this business, and Tommy shows he just doesn't fucking care about Rhino by saying "that's just part of this business" and then says Rhino sold out to the almighty dollar.
... Tommy, do you see any fucking logic in what you just fucking said?
Thankfully, Rhino spares me having to find a Facepalm picture, and outright screams at Tommy "ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY?! ARE YOU GONNA TAKE CARE OF MY LITTLE GIRL?! NO! YOU'RE NOT, ROB'S NOT!" And says that NONE of the ECW GUISE cared about the fact that Rhino's career and livelihood was in jeopardy, and they only cared about themselves, so FUCK them, all Rhino's gonna care about is himself.
Why is he the heel now?
Tommy Dreamer says he's right, BUT. BUT look at what happened to Sabu and Raven. Yeah, they got shitcanned for being stupid. Tommy says they went down with a fight, and Rhino just quit. Tommy, I do not think what you're saying means what you think it is; Rhino did not "quit", he signed a contract extension with Eric Bischoff. This is "selling out" how?
Anyway, Rhino pinches Tommy's dislocated wrist, then Rob Van comes in to beat the shit out of Rhino, and so Rhino GORGORs him.
Backstage, Abyss carts around a casket for an OPEN CASKET CHALLENGE MATCH in a Casket Match, where the only way to win is to put your opponent in a casket and seal it shut. Remember that.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
When we recap, Matt Morgan talks to cameraman, saying he's not gonna get starryeyed and googlyeyed OHMYGOD IT'S RIC FLAIR and such. Speaking of which,
Shannon Moore vs Abyss
Guess who gonna win. Go ahead. Guess. Go on. No, shut up. Wait until the end. So they face off, with The Taz claiming Shannon Moop is going in it like "hey man" and whatever and such. Abyss hoists him up and tries to slam but he slides off the back and drives him into the corner. Shannon then gives some "doosh" punches on Abyss, and then gets him in the corner to punch on, then runs at him and gets caught and slammed down sideslam. They then exit the ring and Abyss shoves Shannon's head into the casket... against a white silky pillow. Wut.
They then end up in the ring again and Abyss stands by the corner and charges at Shannon only for Shannon to blatantly move away. He then gets back body dorpped onto the apron, survives, or as Taz's old music used to call it "savive". Shannon tries to roll Abyss under the rope into the casket, and Abyss is like gripping the edge of the canvas, then bops Shannon in the face and gets up, but Shannon attacks him on the apron, then runs at him to push him, then more punches with Abyss like maybe about to fall into the casket.
He then catches Shannon and tosses him over the ropes to the outside on the other end and such. Mike Tenay then shills that TONIGHT ON REACTION the Motor City gun vs THOSE GUYS match is happening tonight on ReAction, EMPTY ARENA MATCH. Shannon Moop slams the casket lid on Abyss's head when they get outside, then he moonsaults from the apron over the casket and onto Abyss. Shannon then shoves Abyss into the casket, but Abyss kicks him away, and shuts it.
Shannon right back on him AGAIN and bops on his back with lazy fist pops. Abyss then grabs him by his faghead and shoves him into the guardrail near the ramp. He then staggers some and Shannon gets into the ring and Abyss gets up to chokeslam him, but Shannon escapes with an elbow and runs at him only to be Black Hole Slammed. Abyss opens the casket, and it's The Pope lying there! He gets up and puts enough pressure to show the trap-door in the casket. And the ring bells DQ.
WINNAR BY DQ: Abyss
Oh yes. CASKET MATCH RULES: THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS TO PUT YOUR OPPONENT INTO THE CASKET AND SEAL IT SHUT. WINNAR OF THE CASKET MATCH BY DISQUALIFICATION: ABYSS. I love this company. The same way someone loves WCW only in 2000-2001.
Backstage, Angelina Love jibbers some shit about facing Mickie James in a match. It's a number one contender match thing.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 9/11 was an outside job
Angelina Love vs Mickie James w/ Hardcore Cuntry
Something about that music with "HARDCORE CUNTRY" shouted in it just... just sounds gross on Mickie James. Speaking of sexism and misogyny, The Taz asks Tenay who he thinks will win, the blonde or the brunette. I actually only think I ever saw one Mickie James match in its entirety---Wrestlemania 22 against Trish Stratus. In this match; typical diva brawling. Pin gets 2. Who on who? Who knows. Someone other than me. The Taz speaks wisdom; he dislikes it when wrestlers shake hands in a match. It's a fucking fight, bitch, you don't shake hands, this is not ballet!
Angelina gets a GENERIC HEADLOCK on Mickie James, and Mickie James shoves her off, then runs into Angelina accidentally and keels over. They call it a shoulder block, it looked entirely accidental. Monkey flip by Mickie on Angelina, The Taz perhaps refers to Mickie James as a monkey. Mickie James looks rather like a shrimpy ODB. I miss ODB. She was awesome. She should've been wrestling men. Same with Oresum Kung. This match sucks a blow. Pin gets 2. Someone on someone else. Angelina front slams Mickie, and pin gets 2. Now, GENERIC CHINLOCK!
Angelina now resting on the ropes, lazily standing around, and lazily turning around. Mickie James is all like shake hands again, and Angelina grabs it only to shove her down. Pin gets 2. Mickie James then runs her into the corner for GENERIC SHOULDER THRUSTS! Then she gets kicked away by Angelina, and she charges at her again only for Angelina to twist over her, drop down and schoolboy her into a pin gets 2. Elbow on Angelina, and Mickie James hoists up on the turnbuckle to give Angelina some HARDCORE CUNTRY and headscissor her down. Then a neckbreaker and pin gets 2.
She then gets to the top rope and jumps but ANgelina ducks, and Mickie lands on her knees, and Angelina kicks her in the face. That's always effective. Pin gets 2. It wasn't very effective. Spike DDT on Angelina and HARDCORE CUNTRY pinwins.
WINNAR: Mickie James
Backstage, Bruther Ray, still around and still collecting paychecks despite Team 3D retiring and all.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Go to here: http://twitter.com/CaptainHalo
When we return, Angelina Love is throwing shit around backstage, including some full beer bottles that are the same brand James Storm uses. Then she pretends to cry. From behind, RAPE! Oh wait, it's WINTER, complete with horrendous acting. She says this was meant to happen and such. BITCH, NUMBER SIX YOU AIN'T!
Meanwhile, Bruther Ray gets into the ring now and gets on the microphone all like "WHYYYYY BROTHER RAY, WHYYYY" and such, and saying this is all like people asking him WHY he kicked his brother in the back of the head. His answer is; because I can! So this isn't a heel turn; it's just brothers behaving like brothers. But still, Ray is in a good mood so he'll give us an explanation:
15 years ago, he created the GREATEST... TAG... TEAM... finishing move in the business. Really. That's what it is? That he created the Dudley Death Dorp and he does all the work while all Devon does is grab the other guy's head? He starts namedropping WWF and WWE superstars and tag teams he's 3D'd and such. Then some TNA nobodies like Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett. He says nobody has ever kicked out and before you can call bullshit, he says Chris Sabin....
He says Chris Sabin kicked out of the 3D, not because he's better or anything, but because Devon was weak. HAHAHA CLASSIC RACISM! Blame the black man for everything. He says Devon has always been the weak link in this team. Bruther Ray was the "star" of Team 3D and Devon was the costar. Devon always stood two steps behind Bruther Ray, where he belonged, NYUKUH! Know your place, BOY!
Brothe rRay says he gonna put it in perspective so somebody as simpleminded as Devon can understand: Brother Ray is the Shawn Michaels, Devon is the Marty Jannety. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
And to allt he people asking "Who the hell is Marty Jannety?" Ray says, and says "Exactly". He says he could ateamed with anyone; Bruther Runt, Big Dick, anybody. Nothing more is Devon than a guy who got his tables. LOL VINTAGE RACISM in there, only with "got" instead of "waited" Now commercials. I'm tired.
Ric Flair vs Matt Morgan
At this point, I could just copypasta another recap's match here and you wouldn't even notice. RIC FLAIR DOESN"T WRESTLE ANYMORE MODERFUCKER. No, Mike Tenay, "SOL" does NOT stand for "bleep out of luck", you fat shit. Matt Morgan shoves Ric Flair and he rolls across the ring. Morgan bounces some and Ric stands up and roams a bit. Then he faces Morgan, and lifts a hand to distract Matt into grabbing it, then kicks his knee. Into a corner now with woo chops. Oh yeah, wrestling classic here. Morgan then turns it around and does it himself. THen he irish whip and back body drops Flair.
Morgan irish whips Flair into the corner and smushes on him, then backs into him for his shitty back elbow thing. Flair then does that stupid shit thing by walking casually pumping his arms, then keeling over forward. What is that? Really, honestly, legitimately, what in the shit is that supposed to be? People call it CLASSIC RIC FLAIR thing, yet when I see other people do it, it's because they're shit (Scott Hall) or they're legitimately insulting someone (Shawn Michaels vs Hulk Hogan). And it DOES look like shit. It's like something so cartoonish, even marks think he's just mocking Matt Morgan or something.
Somehow the referee gets knocked out of the ring. Ric Flair chops on Morgan and stomps and such. Punchies. Choppies. Slow shit in the ring as a blatant setup for SHENANIGANS! Soon. Flair runs at Morgan but Morgan gets up to chokeslam but Ric Flair does this to him:
Ric Flair now gets out of the ring to stalk with Matt Morgan. Choppies on him. More choppies and slaps on him. Morgan then reverses and shoves Flair's head into the metal railing. Morgan's bleeding now. Flair then blades and Morgan punchies him up. What a waste, blading at the point in the match where the show goes off the air and everyone tunes out because no one wants to waste time watching TNA ReAction.
WINNAR: Batman, I guess. Show ended abruptly, so I don't know.
TNA YAY: See, it's because in "Battlestar Galactica", Gaius Baltar falls in love with a Cylon woman called "number Six", and after escaping from Caprica, he starts seeing her, but she's in his head, and she's all cryptic and mysterious and prophetic, and always warns him about things in the future and urges him to do things that are "part of God's plan" and such. It's just like that with Winter and Angelina, only not terrible!
TNA BOO: Your casket match sucked a dick.
TNA WTF: RHINO is the bad guy because he was going to be fired, and none of the ECW GUISE gave enough of a shit about it to try to talk to Dixie Carter to extend his contract, and so he has Eric Bischoff sign his contract extension? Really? RHINO is the bad guy?
You've just been Halonic Death Rayed. And that guy who sent me the eleventy fingered hand last week for the FOURTUNE picture send me a shoop with that hand now giving me the finger, so I say, "Fuck you you jackoff jealous bitch-ass shit. You suck a goddamn mule's dick"
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).