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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(11/12/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Okay, so I return, to give ye the TNA Wrestling thing.

MOAR TNA HULK HOGAN shilling, along with Dixie Carter's "I'm an asshole, so either be my bitch or be fired!" speech last week.

Last week comes Mick Foley and Jay Bee with some nobody I've never heard of before who is all hoarse voicey and shilling some shit on Spic TV. Mick Foley then shills his book coming out in Summer 2010. Holy shit, man, why shill that now? I may not be alive by then. That's my philosophy; I may not be alive in five or six months or more. He then talks about him being in a match at some point somewhere or something. He then finds Mick Foley's underwear and such in a drawer.

Black Machismo attack! He yells about something, then realizes the guy sitting there is not Mick Foley. He's some guy from "Curb Your Enthusiasm". He's not Larry David or Jeff Garlin so I don't care, and neither does anyone else. He wonders who that was, and Jay Bee wonders if he follows his tweets. He wonders what's a tweet, then says it's Twitter, and says he hates it because he believes in talking to people. He doesn't have a Facebook either.

Wait, who was that guy? I sure hope my recap ain't becoming like Disco Burge's crap! Then I'll have to recap RAW, HORRORS!

I think Mick Foley came to the commentator's table. I was busy posting something funny in THEWRESTLINGFAN'S AWESOME FORUM! COME JOIN US!

Doctor Stevie w/ My sweet shadow vs Chris Parks

Chris clotheslines him immediately and pins. BUT THAT PIN is unsuccessful. He whips Doctor into a turnbuckle, misses a splash, then tries to get him down for a pin, and fails again. Then he picks up Doctor for a Olympic SLam thing, but DOctor slips out, then clips his knee, and now stomping on him, then elbows him. Mick Foley is accused by Tenay of using Doctor Stevie, and he's all "'Using' is such a strong term!" etcetera

Doctor keeps stompingg and such, tries a pin, but fails. CHris then gets up and Doctor superkicks him, and pinfails. Moar punching on Chris Parks. Doctor grabs Chris Park's hair and yells at hijm, then runs and gets caught in a Chokeslam attempt, but he punches Chris in the nuts with his foot, then runs, and Doctor runs into a AFRICAN-AMERICAN HOLE SLAM! Pin but the LIGHTS GO OUT!

OH NOESZZZZ!@!! When they come back, both men are down, and Doctor slides his arm over Chris Parks and winx0rz. Mick Foley is concerned.

WINNAR: Doctor Stevie

My sweet shadow chucks a chair in for Doctor to use. Mick Foley gets up to go halp, and Doctor attacks, but MICK FOLEY punches him up, bang bang, and goes to Chris, but then goes back to choking DOctor, then goes back to Chris to get the chair, when THE LIGHTS GO OUT AGAIN! It's like charades, or Red Light Green Light or something.

OMFG FIREBALL in the middle of darkness, and IT'S RAVEN! Raven Evenflow DDT's Mick Foley, and everyone's all booing and stuff. Yay for the Nest, I guess. One guy in the audience is extending his arms like Raven.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: It occurs to me now that the only evidence I have of certain wrestling going-ons, like Eric Bischoff in TNA, is from WrestleZone and other such internetting wrestle sites.

BACKSTAGE where the Nest are happy and Raven is hugging Jay Bee from behind. Doctor Stevie's all like "Leave TNA forever? HAHA! I'm here to stay forever!" Haha, it's like he grew up from the little boy in ECW. Raven's all like the last time Mick Foley got between Raven and his tool, Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk caught on fire. This time, Foley had to BUUUUURN. BUUUUURN! Awesome voice, too. I must get a sound clip of that.

He's like Raven and Chris are like two old men on a park bench reminiscing on old war stories and the taste of their own blood is erotically stimulating, and they'll have fun playing in the sandbox. However, Chris Parks' abusive childhood combined with his small intelligence leads to jail or insanity, whereas Raven's abusive childhood combined with his MENSA membership leads to being a functioning member of society. I mean, being a serial killer. But he hasn't been caught yet, has he?

Was that a confession? Oooooh snapsz.

At ringsode it's Mike Tenay and it's Taz. Why does he do that? He says "It's us" instead of "I'm me, and he's he" etcetera. They bring up Sting and talking about Sting and his status in TNEH. Video package for Sting, and next week Sting will break his silence. Will Hulk Hogan and Dixie Carter's partnership affect his future, or will he announce his retirement or something? Or will he job to Hogan repeatedly?

Alissa Flash comes out with a long-sleeved turtleneck and no pants. Also, it's skintight. I find this as sexy as the usual sports-bra type outfit.

Alissa Flash vs Traci Brooks w/o MEM anything, and thus a heel for no reason

They start out locking up. People chant "Future Legend!" for Cheerleader Melissa. She then boots Traci in the chest and she keeps hugging her huge implants, likely fearful of them popping, and Alissa just shitkicks her all over, working on her arm. PSYCHOLOGY! Alissa picks up Traci in a shoulderbreaker move, then pinfails.

Tenay tells a story of how Traci is an impure genetic defect of birth with problems in her right arm and how if this were Nazi Germany, Hitler would have had her exterminated. Well, he didn't say that, I did. Alissa keeps beating on her arm, and puts her in an armbar which sees her tap tap tap out. Also, it was kind of in the position of a Crappler Crossface.

WINNAR: Raesha Saeed

Traci bumrushes Alissa from behind, and stomps on her while cursing. And there go my nipples again.

We see boots walking down a hnall, as apparently some wrestling legend has answered Black Macho Man's challenge. I hope it's Dude Love.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is by far 5-6 times more disturbing and frightening than Call of Duty 4. It's probably the best FPS ever.

Black Macho Man Jay Lethal vs Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart w/ baby on board

I think Neidhart is 6 months pregnant. With a belly like that? They start locking up, and Anvil punchies on him, then irish whip, and back body drops. He then misses a splash on the turnbuckle. MISCARRIAGE! Jay Lethal springboards off the ropes onto him and people boo him for posing. Irish whip on the Anvil, Jay jumps and Neidhart kind of sloppily throws himself forward to clothesline him. Lethal tries to throw Neidhart out of the ring, but jumps over himself and guillotines him. Win.

Elbow shot to the head of Neidhart now, Lethal runs at him, and gets caught in a hooge powerslam. Then he gets pinned.

WINNAR: Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart and child

EARLIER TODAY was Lauren interviewing big black man who eyes her like a piece of fuckmeat. But his voice belies HIM as the fuckmeat. Some random guy says EMERGENCY at the truck or something. Undoubtedly, Lashley learned absolutely nothing from last week when he left Krystal alone with Steiner on the loose.

In the truck, Scott Steiner has a video playing in the truck of how he wants to be Lashley's friend, but all he does is punch him, and how the husband is always the last one to find out that his woman is in love with another man. He says he tried to check into a hotel, but he forgot his wallet, but then he heard that his friend Bobby lashley was checked in, so undoubtedly he's going to exploit that to rape his wife or something.

Bobby Lashley gets into a car and speeds off, and the camera guy hilariously gets into another car to chase after him, as opposed to having him at the hotel already.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "No Russian" is the most disturbing thing ever in any video game ever. Look it up, wussy.

Backstage with that unknown guyh and Jay Bee. Apparently he's in charge of TNA for the day, and Mick Foley is in the horspital. He wants Jim Bish to put on the best match possible for Mick. Jay Bee redeems his assholery in my heart by saying "X Division's the way to go". Fuck Russo. He wonders if X people are wild, athletic, daredevils, then says go with them.

The Horrible People and Awesome Kong vs ODB, Sarita, Tarantula, and Taylor Wilde

All the heels and Amazing Kung have left the ring. Now it starts with fat Kelly Kelly and Victoria. They lock up, Madison shoves her, then poses. Tara gets shoved, then she shoves her back. Then she grabs Madison for a back wrestling takedown thing, then a bridge chinlock thing that is flexible. Now grabbing Madison's arm, and tags in Taylor Wilde who gets on the top rope to axe her arm. Moar arm dragging and such by Taylor, then an arm drag, but keeps on the arm, and gradually lifts Rayne up and tags in Suriduh.

Madison gets flipped over, then double team thing where Taylor catches up Sarita for a powerbomb, then kind of shoves her off so she moonsaults. Lacey Von Erich gets tagged in, shoves Sarita in. The Taz's new line "Business just picked up. Kinda." YAY FOR TAZ, but not really.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Tea-bag Party organizers will burn Pelosi and someone else in effigy, because the only thing worse than a brutal tyrannic dictator is someone who DARES to try to help people.

When it came back, Velvet Skye was and is beating up on Sarita, but Sarita quickly recovers, flips out, and dorpkicks Velvet in the face. During the break, Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky double dorpped Sarita on her guts. Now ODB gets in and beats on Velvet Sky, and dooshes Kong. ODB smashes her implants on Velvet and Madison on the turnbuckles, then Bronco Carpet Muncher's Velvet, then Fallaway Slams Madison Rayne, then kips up, but LACEY VON ERICH clotheslines her when she turns around. Now Tara gets in and does one of her trademark "I just don't care" slaps which Lacey sells like someone tried to shoot her.

Taylor Wilde then attacks on Awesome Kong, but she just smacks her down. Taylor slips out of a move, but Awesome catches her for an implant buster, and pinsz her.

WINNAR: The Beautiful People and Lacey, Velvet, and Madison Rayne

A bunch of wrestlers in complete ignorance of "face/heel-dom" rush into Unknown guy's office. He says he needs them to bust their ass tonight, and to donate a big clusterschmizzery match to Mick Foley. Sheiky says something in Farsi, and Unknown guy is like "wut?" and Jim Boreass says "he loves you". Awwww <3 This unknown guy wants them to do something or something, and everyone puts their hands in the center and say stuff.

What does Hulk Hogan's arrival in TNA Wrestling mean to Kurt Angle? As big as the WWE impact. That's pretty much what he says.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TENAY is told that the camera people have returned with the Lashy Steiner footage. Lashely scrambles to the hotel room, finds Krystal is fine and alone, and Scott Steiner ambushes from behind, attacking him with a pipe and a lamp and is all mishy-moo screaming something semi-coherent but I missed it. It was funny, though.

Kurt Angle comes out to talk about this Sunday at Turning Point, probably his most important match in the evar, so fuck you everyone else who ever wrestled Kurt Angle. He puts over AJ and Morganite, but he strives for competition and has respect for them, but no respect for Nigel McGuinness trying to BREAK HIS FREAKIN' NECK. Kurt is all he's gonna end Desmond Tutu's career, and that is exactly woi he's not there in the iMPACT Zone, as he says as he appears on the titantron. He knew Angle was going to go crazy on him.

Angle starts yelling at him, while Desmond keeps talking, upfuckerying it up by revealing it as a pre-recording. Also, the faggot keeps calling him Mr. Mangled. I hate the British accent. He mispronounces so many words. "Suffa" instead of Suffer, "Beh-eh" instead of Better.

Because it's obviously a pre-recording, here is DESMOND WOLFE behind Angle, but Angle is older, so he beats up on Desmond first, causing him to leave the ring and look like a dumb fag. Also, the video plays over again. lol fail. Angle finally screws up a bit and Desmoy DDT's Mr Mangled on the outside.

He then hits Angle in the face with the chair, and the video plays again.

Finally I learn who that nobody is, it's some nobody called Super Dave Osbourne. Just the name alone makes me drowsy. Clearly the only reason he's here is to promote his shitty shitty show. It's on tomorrow night at 11pm, which for them is two days, since that's Thursday, and today's Friday.

Cluster Fuckery: Motor City Machine Guns and Amazing Rod vs Homicide, Kiyoshimitsu, and Sheik Abdul Jabbar

Homicide brought something wrapped in a Texas flag or something and tells Tenay not to open it and something involving his girlfriend Guadalupe. RACISM abounds as SUPER DAVE said he saw Homicide steal some stuff, and The Taz says "That's typical". RUSSO!!!! It starts with the Homicide and the Alex Shelley, irish whip on Shelley, he kicks Homicide, then runs, but Homicide spinny shoulder blocks him, then brings him over to tag in Sheik.

The Sheik Abdul guy kicks on Alex, then slams him into the turnbuckle, then stomps. Then chokes with his boot. Super guy wonders if Sheik Abdul is related to the Iron Sheik.

 

Yoshimitsu tagged in, punches Alex Shelley, then picks up and they share chops. Moar by Alex than the other guy, but Shelley gets knocked down, then picked up and snapmare, then a running clothesline on his sitting form. Attempted pin gets broken up by Chris Satan who goes fast. Kiyoshi grabs Alex so he can't tag in, then does some kind of weird-ass move on him. Homicide then pulls out a barbed wire baseball bat form the flag, and Super Dave is like "HE STOLE THAT FROM THE OFFICE" because he did.

Kiyoshi and the Sheik dood beat on Alex Shelley some moar, but he counters both men after they irish whip him on the turnbuckle, then slams Jabbar's face on the turnbuckle. Since TNA is racist, security takes Homicide away, presumably to jail, because he DARED try to bring a weapon into a match. This is perhaps the absolute first time I have ever seen ANY match competitor be thrown out for trying to do that.

Also, Amazing Red does some amazing flippy dips and moves on Sheik Jabbar and Ki Shi. Now they're both down, eh runs and jumps over the ropes for a twisting corskscrew on that guy. Then Chris Sabin smashes Jabbar on the turnbuckle, tags in Shelley, cross body block on him while Sabin holds him. Then he pinfalls.

WINNAR: The Motor City Machine Guns of the Motor or Murder City and Red

Backstage with Desmond Wolfe, who can't pronounce some T's. "Kurh Angle". Then he comapres himself to Angle, except being younger, better looking--BLAAAAAARGH, and healthiah. Motherfucker's accent is an abomination to English. British people are awful.

Exact same promo with Hernandez on Hogan from last week.

Video promo on Dixie Carter's awful, terrible, awful, horrible promo from last week. And it WAS a promo---she wants to be a staaaaaah.

Team 3D comes out to do something other than wrestle. Also, Rhino's with them. Team 3Dicles are like "we're on boahd" when it comes to Dixie Carter's thing. Buh Buh says he made the choice to use a steel chair on the guys in that match last week, and he's glad he made that choice. He then talks about Rhino's supposed conspiracy theory. Bruther Ray says right here right now: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't believe you. You were right; they were wrong." lol sudden heel turn. No one cares if they're face or heel anymore.

Buh Buh Ray Deadly is all like he's gonna take them down and hold them down the young guys. Just like TNA from 2006 on rightr?! He then calls out Hernandez and Matt Morganite.

Matt Morganite and the other guy come out. Morgan then is all like "You got something to say, you walk your fat ass up here and say it to our face!" and it's all like wow he just turned heel a few minutes ago and already they're shitting on Team 3D. And somehow THEY'RE the bad guys. Just to make this heel turn seem legit, Bruther Ray calls Hernandez an uneducated Mexican with no Green Card.

Further racism from Bruther Ray, as he doesn't "comprende" much of Hernandez's words because he lives in the United States, and calls for a Six Man tag team match at Turning Point, then mocks the two for having no third partner and wondering if they'll go and beg TNA Management to give them one. Matt Morgan makes fat jokes about them, including "Blubber Ray" and "Team Triple D" and talks fast and such.

Team Devon says stuff too and talks at him. Omfg the Pope comes out! He comes out to spread his win across the arena. He proclaims himself third man to the tag team thing. He says Morganite and Hernandez are the future, and the Pope is pimpin' (Popemobile - Pimpmobile, it's so clear now) Oh shit, The Pope is a REAL person who can testify, so Devon's dumbstruck and silent and the Pope is all like "I'm the Pope!" and such.

Promo for Matt Morgan with sad-heroicy music and Morgan talking about overcoming ADHD.

Backstage with the British people and Erech Young. TNA Management pissed themselves and un-suspended the British people. Brutal Maginot is all like this is a prime example of British discrimination. He has one word for it: Skullduggery! Fucking British. TEH DOUG is all like they'll make sure Beer Money never darken a TNA ring again. Eric Young then completely mirrors MY thoughts and everyone's by saying "Wht kind of company delivers a suspension and doesn't stand by it? A company without authority" Fuckers nailed it.

More promo stuff by Eric Young and saying how the World Leet have no problem with Hulk Hogan, which completely goes against everything they whine and bitch about.

Rundown of TNA's lackluster Turning Point lineup. THE RUNDOWN, STARRING THE ROCK! I saw that movie in theaters.

Hulk Hogan promo for joining TNA, and yet he hasn't fucking appeared there in the month since it was announced.

BACKSTAGE with AJ Styles and Jay Bee, and AJ wants to apologize to Christopher, where he will apologize for accusing Daniels, but not apologize for being champion. Didn't he say the exact same thing last week, or am I hallucinating something? Or is TNA just that terrible and predictable?

I've got a headache already.

The British Invasio vs Funding for Beverages of the Alcoholic Persuasion

It starts with Robert Roodey and TEH DOUG, they run around, Robert knocks him down, then back body dorps Brutal Mange, then tries to clothesline TEH DOUG out, and wins, then Jims Swift clotheslines the other guy out. TEH DOUG them gives up and tries to leave, but Brutus is like "we gotta geh back in theh" TEH DOUG runs in only to be immediately dorp toe held. Swifticles then gets in, and arm wrenches him. BIG ROID appeared at the bottom with a steel chair and Brutus is like go away, we can't get disqualified.

BNrutal is now the voice is reason. The Taz is like "Aren't most British people intelligent? They sound it! They mastered the English language!" I disagree. Brutus gets tagged in and beats on Robert Roode a bit, then lightly tags in TEH DOUG so they can double armwrench, then knock him down, their double team move thing. TEH DOUG tries to pin but he fails because he's a failure. Chinlock on Roode now, but since he's not Randy Orton, Roode quickly gets up and gets out. TEH DOUG then tags in TEH MAGNUS.

They double whip Roode, then whip TEH DOUG and ROode boots him, then slams away Brutush, then gets on the top rope and flips over and knocks both of them down. Roode jumps and tags Storm, then he runs and slams his knees on Brutal's face, then forces TEH DOUG into the ring via wiggling the rope a bit. Then he smacks Brutus on the chest on the turnbuckle, gets irish whipped, but launches him onto the apron, then boots him in the gut, gets him for a DDT with his legs on the rope. He pinfails, but TEH DOUG knee dorps Brutus accidentally.

Double Suplexification on the Doug person. Beer Money taunt, then they double team Brutus Magnus and pin him, but it breaks out at the last moment. Roodey then throws in a chair, and Slippery Penis is an idiot and does nothing. Brutus Maggi picks it up, then TEH DOUG pulls it away all like "rmeembar what you said to me" but the Beer Money just beat them up and double team one of them and pin, because who gives a shit who's the legal man in TNA? TNA certainly doesn't give a shit.

WINNAR: Beer Munny

Lauren with pointless ramp questioning stuff, and Roode is like "This Sunday, Beer Money's gonna prove once again why we are the greatest TNA tag team of ALL. TIME!" James Swift then apologizes for their hell-bound luck.

Backstooge with the stooges, and The Pope. The Pope wears sunglasses because the future is very bright. Matt Morganite's like "why should we trust a street pimp?" and the Pimp says "That's 'Pope'" So Team 3D and Rhino want to hold them back? That includes the Pope, so the Pope is gonna team with the giant and Deebo from cell block 6. Hope aboard the Popemobile, cos on Sunday, they gonna be pimpin'.

Backstage again with Lauren and interviewing Christopher Daniels. Non-Prophecy Face Christopher Daniels gives boring as hell promos. Let me summarize: "We fight on Sunday, and I want to win"

Luckily this show is over very soon, because I just can't take any more. I'm sick, and I'm in agony.

The Samoan Person named Yusufus vs A Jay Styles

They start by running around. Joe running out of the ring, AJ chasing him, then they finally stay in the ring and run around, and AJ dropkicks. Joe is all sad and angry and such, and AJ Smiles is being punched on now on the corner with quick jabs and such right on the chin. Joe kicks his face, then gets him in a STF, which The Taz says stands for a Step-over Toehold Facelock, and Tenay says "Submission Through Fear" Fucking Mike Tenay.

AJ manages to break out, then whips Josephus into a corner, chops him up, then whips Joe to the other corner. He whips Joe around, but Joe clotheslines him down and such. Pinfail now. And Joe picks up A Jay, and puts his face into his crotch, and picks him up for a powerbomb but AJ slips out, and kicks him, then poses for a Styles Clash, but Joe back body dorps him. AJ then backflips into an OMFG PELE~!!!2211 then AJ gets ont he top rope, but Christopher Daniels climbs onto the apron, presumably to knock AJ off, but AJ's like "WHAT AREYOU DOIN?!" and he's like "I'm watching your back, lol" then Joe attacks AJ from behind with a Cock-in-the-Clutch.

WINNAR: Josephus of Samoa

Christopher Daniels is smirking evilly, so obviously it was his intent to fuck AJ over. Also, too much eyeliner.

Hey hey, what can I say
That episode ruined my day
I was feeling good, feeling spry
Then shitting booking nearly made me cry
Wrestling was average, the rest was shits
I wouldn't watch this episode, for it was the pits

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).