Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(11/11/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Without further sobbing procrastination, it be TNA iMPACT! THE TV SHOW! I mentioned on my Twitters that I will outlast TNA! Meaning I will do this until fired or TNA dies.

TNE recap thing of Turning Point, the PPV that WrestleZone's poll told me was bad, as most people voted 1 star than any other.

Also, they got rid of the functional generic nWo music to... a completely unfunctional generic of Jimi Hendrix's "Voodoo Child". It takes some kind of musical genius like me to recognize it after it gets past the opening. This all occurring as the THEY come out to the ring, to loads of applause and cheering and such, because who really gives a shit anymore, right? RIGHT?! Are there any talented, charismatic faces left other than The Pope?

Eric Bischoff says they love each and every one of you, because somehow they're the heels? Yeah, who loves the people except the bad guys, THAT'S the Optimates/Grand Old Party approach! People boo Abyss for out-poping the Pope, out-congregating the Congregation. Eric says that a lot of the fans who watch TNA also watch MMA and UFC stuff, and so here be a guy who put on a mixed martial arts CLINIC at Turning Point... a CLINIC because anyone who saw that match would need to be hospitalized!

But who can doubt the epic win of the King of the Mountain... Jeff Jarrett! The guy who had the wicked queer entrance music in WWF Wrestlemania 2000. Ric Flair shills Fourtune, and AJ Styles says THIS IS HOW WE THROW IT UP

Hurrgg... ggrrhhhrgg... ughhhh...

Seriously, though, he only throws up four fingers, and in order to avoid lawsuits, by droppping his middle finger nad using his thumb. Yeah, fuck those 4-5 other guys in FOURTUNE.

AJ then says Sabu is doing his sky-pointing thing in the unemployment line now, and tonight he's gonna cripple Stevie Richards. I liked this promo. It was great fun. If only there were actually FOUR people in FOURTUNE to justify the stupid hand gesture.

Now, they bring out the man they call Jeff Harvey---Hardy! He says Turning Point was his coming out party. He's coming out to all of us. Coming out of the closet.

All of a sudden, SMARK infiltrates the audience and they chant "OVERRATED" at Jeff Hardy. Incredible wisdom! Hardy says he's drank from the cup of Hulkamania and thus will always be immortal. He won't be saying that when he breaks his fucking hip flopping on his couch. SPeaking of broken hips and messed up backs, here be Hulk Hogan, with the original generic nWo music.

Oh wow, it's only been ten minutes and I'm exhausted. Hogan asks if we know what it feels like to be surrounded by nothing but family. Yes. I do. It feels... murdery. Hogan says Ric Flair is all sorts of great and such and shilling him. Fuck what wrestling fans think, I think Ric Flair sucks.

Speaking of sucking, they have a SURPRISE for the main man, Jeff! Lights go out, generic THRILL music plays, and fireworks hit, and a belt lowers from a chain to the middle of the ring. It's... IT'S A WARRIAH MASK~!!! on a belt.

Wow it's so shiny and colorful with purple and green and such. It's like a shinier Diva's Championship belt. It... just looks terrible. TERRIBLY WICKED AWESOME SWEET, BITCH!

Hogan's then like "OH EXCUSE ME MISTER BISCHOFF, I'M NOT USED TO TAKING OUT THE TRASH" then says that Dixie Carter and such is represented by the old belt, and dumps it in a random trash can in the middle of the ring. Hogan then says if there's anybody left to oppose IMMORTAL, the only thing they can do is drop down to their knees and pray... bruther.

SPeaking of prayer, HERE BE THE POPE! Coming out through the audience. He says the prayers of the Congregation have been answered, because POPE DOTH HATH ARRIV-ED! He says after what he pulled at Turning Point, paying off his family, his cousins, his brother, and tonight he has a casket that was intended for Abyss but he gonna put Eric into the casket, roll him up the ramp, and just as if the stage was a cliff, he gonna push him over the edge to crash and burn and there's nto a DARN THING (his word) he can do about it.

Samoan music then hits for no reason and Yusufus of Samoa comes out to stand at the top of the ramp, and says all Don't think that the Pope is your only problem tonight, and then says JARRETT, GUNNA, MURPHMURPH, he gonna come after them tonight, and mocks Jarrett being a SHOOT FIGHTER HURRDURR and tells him to come play SHOOT FIGHTER with him tonight. He say it's gonna take more than his two hillbilly girlfriends to wake him up.

This then brings out Rob Van Dam for no real reason. Opposed to the hard-ass wickedness of the other two, he steps up to the commentator's table area, and waves his arms like a dork to get their attention. He say that after Turning Point he realized EV2 is the tight family he thought it would be! So he knew he only knew there was one person shallow enough to sell out because he wanted something that was Rob Van Dam's. Rhino? RHINO? Oops, I mean Jeff Hardy. He says Jeff has to live iwth the knowledge that some day he has to face RVD in the ring. HAHAHAHAH this is a scare-inducing threat? He might get a contact-high and get arrested again.

This then brings out Matt Morgan for some reason. And to show just how lame this lineup is, I've already forgotten who the second guy to come out was. Mattias Morgan says RVD should get his title shot... but not before MATT MORGAN gets his. He then says Hardy calls himself the WORLD CHAMPION? Well... he is no world champion. BURN or something. He exposed Harvey in the ring 1 2 3 and if given the opportunity again, he'll EXPOSE THAT ASS AGAIN, right before he fucks it. Make him humble.

But he say he knows the real puppetmaster is Hulk Hogan. Hogan then says YOU CHOMPIN ON THE WRONG DOG NOW, BOAY! Morgan says he worshipped Hogan as a kid and such and it wasn't the prayers, it wasn't the vitamins, it was his integrity that lured him in.

See, it's funny because Hulk Hogan is notorious as a backstage politicker and constant liar.

Morgan say he gonna fight htem, and Hogan say they gonna fight them, and they're gonna go in the back and put a battle plan together, and he gonna get a fight bruther, take that to the bank, because your paycheck gonna bounce or something.

Random Commercial-area Thought: My middle-school civics teacher put it to us very well why he hates professional American sports like NBA and NFL and such; the players are whores. They have no loyalty to their teams or hometowns, they are whores who sell themselves out to whatever city team offers them the most money.

After commercials, the old people are backstage in the office talking shit. They say they don't get old, they get great, which is what old people say to keep themselves from admitting they're over the hill and should stop oppressing talented people. They just restate what they said in the ring, then Hogan offers the TOTALLY EPIC, MAIN EVENT SPOTLIGHT MATCH... Samoan Joe (his word, he called him Samoan Joe) versus the NWA guise. MONEY! RATINGS! CONTROVERSY! CASH! CONTRIVANCE!

Then Matt Morgan vs Beer Money and TEH DOUG Williams. Speaking of British people, did Brutus Mange and Desmond Fail get fired yet?

Backstage, Not-Snooki and the other guy wander around backstage and such. They want a comment about the match tonight. Not-Snooki says to give a message to Taylor Wilde... she may not be a wrestler, btu she's from Jersey, and she knows how to fight. Being a mixed-breed coondog doesn't make you a fighter.

Jay Lethal and Taylor Wilde vs The Shore

I get one every week. Should I blow it on this? Mike Tenay flies off the handle at The Taz, because he always goes "OH OH OH OH" when the faggot fistpumps, and Tenay freaks out... then he does it instead of Taz when he gets int he ring. I have a good laugh out loud when I see that Robbie E's wrestling shorts has a fist on the back region. Make of that what you analfisting. Also, Cookie was apparently talking shit because now she's a cowardly bitch who doesn't want to fight in this match.

After commercials, match hasn't started, and Jay Lethal and Taylor Wilde take it to the otuside and Robbie ambushes Jay. They fight in the ring some and Lethal takes control with chops and such, but Cookie pulls him out of the ring just as Lethal was going to do something to win. He gets back in on the apron all like reassuring her and such and Lethal comes from behind and pulls him into the ring and OH MY GOD COME THE FUCK ON WHY IN THE FUCK DOES THIS GUY HAVE TO OPEN HIS MOUTH AS WIDE AS POSSIBLE EVERY CHANCE HE GETS? I fucking hate it when people open their mouths insanely wide like it's supposed to be fierce or intimidating. To me, it's always been a sign that says "Throw spear through here" or "Shoot gun through here"

Cookie tags in, runs around, then tags out, so Robbie advances on Taylor all rapey, and Lethal on the top rope jumps on him. Cookie then breaks up a pin attempt by Lethal, and the referee... goes and attacks Taylor Wilde to try to keep her out of the ring. More stuff, with arm drags by Lethal and armbar on Robbie. I mean, AAARMBAAAAARRRR! Taylor Wilde then runs in to yell at Cookie and distract the referee for no reason. Robbie slowly gets up, then slams Lethal on the mat, and gets on him for punches.

He then gets on top of Lethal and does his fistpumping, and The Taz is NOT AMUSED when Tenay interrupts his OH-ing. Interference by Cookie by stomping on Lethal and pin gets 2 by Robbie. She then holds Lethal on the rope and Robbier uns at him, but he moves, and stops short of hitting her, and he says "Hey, bro, almost gave me a heart attack" and The Taz loves that he calls a woman "bro"

Cookie somehow ends up in the ring trying to attack Lethal, and Lethal grabs her foot, and ... the referee attacks Taylor to keep her from getting in. Cookie escapes with one boot, and the referee is for some reason looking at them, so Robbie can boot (hurrdurr) Jay Lethal in the face with the boot and pin win. Robbie offers me to chuck a spear in his mouth.

WINNAR: The Shore

Video package for Team 3D. Holy fucking shit, they're really fat now. Commercials, then they come out to the ring for real. Listening to their music long enough... you realize there are NO words in it. All the vocal sounds are just that; sounds. Stuff that almost sounds like words, but they just aren't. Powerman 5000 is not amused.

Bruther Ray swills his own ass, claiming credit for making the Motor City Machine Guns and Inking and all tag team wrestling in TNA. Brother Devon thanks the fans and such. They say now that Bruther Ray is gonna start a rock and roll band, and Brother Devon's twin boys are gonna be the next Team 3D. So for the last time, he gonna end it like this; oh my brother, testify. They hug and such, all posing and... OH NOESZ~! Bruther Ray takes off his sunglasses and bops Devon from behind. Then he just kind of stands there, until Devon gets on his knees, and then he kicks him down from behind.

After commercials, run down of that, then backstage we get Eric Bischoff yelling at the referees for something involving the match at Turning Point world title. Some referee guy named Jackson yells at Bischoff HURRDURR it's Bischoff's son, and Matt Morgan comes in all like defending the kid and such and says why not give him the chance to make it up and appoint him referee for the handicap match tonight. So Eric Bischoff does it, because he's a tool.

Gunna and Murphy vs Samoa Joe

WINNAR: Samoa Joe

It was that quick. Gunner then gets pissed and takes off his shirt for no reason. Joe puts him in a rear naked choke at some point, and Jeff Jarrett wanders in to beat on him with a nightstick. He then puts an ankle lock on Joe, right out of the page of YOU KNOW WHO, and what does it say about me that I thought of Ken Shamrock? On some kind of cue, Kurt Angle comes out and Olympic Slams one of the security guards, then chases off Jeff Jarrett.

BACKSTAGE the old people whine and bitch and complain about what happened with Angle.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Fuck you, eh?

Backstage now in the bathroom, Eric Bischoff is with a cameraman, and he tells him... to follow him, because he wants video proof that Angle is trespassing, so he can sue him.

...

What's happening here? Where am I? Have I fallen over and hit my head? Is it so hot and stuffy in here that I can't breathe anymore and I'm suffocating? What is happening and why? Where am I?

So half an hour later I return, and Bischoff is all like WOW ABYSS YOUR SHIT STINKS and then The Pope comes out and beats up on Eric Bischoff. Then Abyss emerges from a stall and Pope beats up on him. He then starts shoving Bischoff against walls and such and yelling at him.

Kaz vs Rob Van Dam

Rob Van decides to be an idiot and pose on the turnbuckle as the bell rings, so Kaz dropkicks himf rom behind and takes him down with soem moves and such. They punch at each other but Kaz pops him in the eye and gets him in the corner. Irish whip reverse and Rob Van monkey flips Kaz from one turnbuckle and gets him in the other corner, then does it again. Cartwheel into back moonsault and pin gets 2.

Rob Van irish whips Kaz into the turnbuckle, then does shoulder blocks. Then he returns and gets elbow hit by KAAZ and then he kicks Kaz in the face to avoid being slammed in a corner. Irish whip into the turnbuckle and he runs at him but Kaz moves onto the turnbuckle and predictably hits Rob Van and the referee Earl Hebber. Rob Van gets up to exchange blows with Kaz, then kick him in the head enzuigiri thing.

Ric Flair predictably out with a steel chair, and Rhino appears to knock the chair out of Eric Flair's hands. This is so fucking predictable the way they do the whole "OMFG SUDDEN SWERVE with the good guy standing around awkwardly for a bit before SWERVING" and he GORES Rob Van and Kaz pinwins.

WINNAR: Kazarian

Tommy Dreamer then runs in all like "WUTTTT" and then Rhino makes like he's gonna leave, but as Tommy is checking on Rob Van, he beats up on Tommy Dreamer. FUCKING MIKE TENAY then says WHAT'S BEHIND HIS ACTIONS?

I know it wasn't exactly given any sort of importance when Bischoff first said it, but WERE YOU NOT FUCKING HERE THIS PAST FUCKING MONTH, MIKE FUCKING TENAY? DID YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHEN BISCHOFF SAID ONE OF THE ECW GUISE WAS GOING TO JOIN THE IMMORTALS?!

Backstage, The Pope is doing a severe, savage niggerbeatdown on Eric Bischoff, and akss Eric if he wants to be the fucking Pope or something, so he puts his sunglasses and necklace on Eric, then puts the head-thing on him, and ORDERS Eric Bischoff to rap to him. He says "shizzle my hizzle" etcetera and Pope freaks out on him. SO he says "Hallelujah" and Pope whips him like IT'S A HAMEN!

Meanwhile, somewhere else, doing something OTHER than rescuing Eric, Hogan bitches at Abyss. THen he sends Abyss off to rescue him... slowly.

Now to the commentators at their table, with SHOCKING EVENTS TONIGHT... like Kurt Angle's completely sudden return that... was rather lackluster. Then the Rhino swerve, which was obvious as soon as he appeared. Another SHOCKING EVENT: Stevie Richards wrestling AJ Styles for the TV title.

TNA TV Championship
AJ Styles (C) vs Stevie Richards

Stevie ambushes him from behind without makihng an entrance. THen commercials. When we return, they're in the ring and AJ is wrestling with his shirt on. Stevie gets a 1 count pin on AJ at some point, then clotheslines him out of the ring, then pulls his shirt off and chops on him. They get back in the ring and Stevie gets put on the second rope and AJ does a springboard moonsault onto the part of Stevie leaning int ehr ing. Now punches in the corner. Then he gets him in a rest hold in the center of the ring. AJ then gets another resthold on Stevie up against the corner, and then elbows him in the back.

Stevie shows us, we see, as he punches out, then tries to dropkick AJ but falls on his ass as AJ sticks to the ropes. He elbow drops onto Stevie some. Now another resthold. He starts kicking out, then chops out, and does running only to get dropkicked by AJ Styles who is not a FAILURE WHO FALLS ON HIS ASS. Pin gets 2. AJ then gets him in the corner to chop on him, again and such. He then goes to resthold on Stevie. AJ then runs at him but Stevie springboards him onto the apron, and he bops Stevie in the back. AJ then runs off the ropes but gets clotheslined by Stevie a bit, then does a running neckbreaker and pin gets 2.

Now onto AJ in the corner and does punches on him. Irish whip is reversed, but then blocked, and Stevie runs at AJ in the corner but AJ moves and Stevie's legs crash along the turnbuckle. AJ now getting up on the apron and waits on Stevie to get up, then springboard Superhero thing but gets kicked in tha guts and pin gets 2. AJ got his leg on the rope. Stevie now lazily doing stuff, then tries a piledriver, fails, powerbomb, fails, AJ fights out, then htis a Sty... well, it was almost a Styles Clash, but he then drops him on his head-neck.

WINNAR: AJ Styles

GUESS WHAT! BACKSTAGE, ERIC IS STILL BEING BEATEN UP ON BY THE POPE! NICE JOB, ABYSS! Pope puts Eric BIschoff in a random casket, and starts slowly chugging it along. STILL NO ABYSS as we go to commercials.

Video package for Team 3D... boy, they did this fast, including the tonight thing with Bruther Ray lazily bopping Devon some, EVEN INCLUDING backstage comments from Devon, sounding shockingly like a total nerd.

NICE JOB ABYSS as The Pope now pushing the "full" casket into the iMPACT Zone and NOW ABYSS appears to ambush Popeicles. YOU SUCK, FATTY. He then opens up the caskey and tries to slap Bischoff awake, but Pope ambushes him, shuts the casket again, and now beating up on Abyssicles. Then he starts kicking on him hard. Jee, I wonder if IMMORTUL will come out and help Abyss? Or even Eric Bischoff? Anyone? Sense? Coherency? Logic? Anything?

Bischoff wakes up and staggers out of the casket, then lowblows His Holy Testicles. Abyss then punches up on the BLACK MAN and stuffs him in the casket. They then chuck it into some sort of cheap wooden grating out by ringside. Considering how hard and heavy caskets are, I highly doubt he would have even felt much from that.

Beer Money and TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS vs Matt Morgan

They all beat up on Matt Morgan in the ring, then Beer Money double team, but Morgan reverses and double clotheslines them. Then he grabs Roode and Storm for a double chokeslam, but TEH DOUG clips his leg from behind. Then they all stomp on him some. THE DOUG then gets on his leg all holding it down and... tags in Robert Roode. Well, if they gonna use tag team rules, I guess. Roode quickly starts working on that knee, too, elbowing his inner thigh and such. Then tag in James Storm, and they grab his legs and part them.

Storm then distracts the referee so Roode can stomp on Morgan, then Storm tags in TEH DOUG who... tries some weirdy-beardy shit involving putting his head under Morgan's leg, but Morgan punches him out, only to get dragged to the edge of the apron and having his leg slammed against the side of the apron. Then Ric Flair does it as TEH DOUG distracts the referee. James Storm then gets in and puts a Figure Four leglock on Morgan.

Meanwhile, SUDDEN ANNOUNCEMENT: Eric Bischoff is pissed at something, and he's coming out to the broadcast table. He comes out and bitches about the lack of respect he's gotten, and says Matt Morgan better win this match or he'll... never get a title shot against Jeff Hardy. WAY TO LAY DOWN THE HAMMER, WHITEY! Meanwhile Roode puts a Boston Crab on Matt Morgan. Funny stuff at the commentators table as The Taz says something that pissed Bischoff off, and Bischoff rants and rails, and tells Mike Tenay to shut up, who has said almost nothing since Bischoff came out. I'm a sucker for that kind of "Fuck you, person who didn't do anything to me, I'm blaming you for stuff!" insults.

Meanwhile in the ring... ehh, more stuff with working on Morgan's leg. It seems as though Roode beat up Morgan so much, he got exhausted, and had to struggle to reach TEH DOUGLAS to tag him in. Morgan suddenly HULKS UP and nosells the leg damage to killshit TEH DOUGLAS. Morgan then sideslams TEH DOUGLAS and pin is broken up by James Storm and Beer Money now beating up on Matt. They try to double suplay but Morgan reverses it. Ric Flair then throws his jacket at Morgan and yells and such and Morgan punhces him.

Now TEH DOUGLAS alone beating up on Morganite, and TEH DOUGLAS tries some more stuff, but ends up jumping into Morgan's Fallaway Slam. Beer Money and Ric Flair just kind of leave, while Matt Morgan kicks TEH DOUG in the face and pinwins.

WINNAR: Matt Morgan

More funny stuff as Eric Bischoff says FIRE THAT REFEREE and it's his son, hurrdurr. Here's an interesting bit; Morgan wouldn't have won if Beer Money and Flair hadn't ditched TEH DOUGLAS. Why not punish them or fire them? Too sensible?

Apparently anticipating a Morgan victoire, NURAVEN appears on the screen talking nothing at Morgan, but REAL JEFF HARDY appears behind Matt and kicks his leg out from under his leg, then does a Twist of HATE (HURRDURR) and a Kenton Bomb. Then he poses with his "Even the Diva's Title Belt Looks Better" shitbelt.

TNA YAY: Maybe we should cut out this section for time! Or I got one! They finally learned nobody watches ReAction, so they did the whole main event thing on iMPACT! instead of cutting it out Halloween Havoc-style.

TNA BOO: TNA never does anything right!~!

TNA WTF: I don't think the writers keep track of their own storylines. No one seemed to remember that whole bit about Bischoff claiming that an ECW GuISE was going to betray Rob Van Dam.

Also, twitter me http://twitter.com/CaptainHalo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANDARIEL HALO 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).