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Ahoy-yo, welcome to my impact. Ladies and Gentlemen, video opening of Hulk Hogan arselicking, video clips of him being on shows and off-handedly mentioning TNA to the benefit of yet another 1.1 rating for this week. Ohhhh snap...

Shitty episode title is "A new beginning..." if by "new" you mean "30 years old" and if by "beginning" you mean "shitting money and using it as firewood" and by "A" you mean "We're fucking stupid" then I suppose it is a new beginning of some sort.

SPeaking of Total Nonstop Anything-but-wrestling, here is a video clip from EARLIAR TODAY with Dixie Carter addressing the employees of TNA. UH OH KAYFABEBREAKING, HEELS AND FACES SITTING TOGETHER. Change is coming, she says. Chaaaaange. She says she respects those of them out there who have differing opinions, but expects them to support them 100%, and if anyone's questioning decisions in the company, they're questioning her, and she cannot allow that. WOW! DESPOT CARTER! BRUTAL TYRANNIC DICTATOR! I'd ask for my release right then and there, go to WWE, and SHIT all over TNA. Because I'm that kind of asshole.

She basically confirms what I said by saying you can choose to support her, or you can find someplace else to work. You're either with us, or you're with the terrorists. If you're not with me, then you're my enemy. Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must. You will try. Bszhing, vwooommmmmmmm... big-ass fight. Wait what?

Oh yeah, I was ignoring her and fantasizing about Star Wars.

AJ Styles comes out to inevitably do something other than wrestle. He drawls on the microphone all y'awl and such even worse than the loveable southerners that are so beloved. Like Andrew Jackson! You know, a guy tried to assassinate him with two pistols, and BOTH of them jammed, so Ol' Hickory beat the shit out of him with his cane. Because that's what Andrew Jackson does.

Oh yeah, AJ Styles talks about they have Hulk Hogan now and so they're on a whole new playing field. 1.1 rating this week, y'awl. Meanwhile, eh turns his attention to his being beaten on by a bald not-Tyson Tomko. He says "Mayan up," but not pronounced like Maya, but like how rednecks say "man"

OMFG Daniels Daniels comes out, only to stir the pot of stupid in "IT MAY BE ME BECAUSE I ANSWERED YOUR CHALLENGE" and Christopher is wearing eyeliner that makes him kind of look like Jared Leto with chemotherapy. Daniels Daniels questions why he says "Friend or Foe" and he's all whiny yelly angry because Josewph told him that it could be Christopher. Christopher's like "can you really be that stupid?" Honestly, in this company... does that need to be asked?

Chris says he's so arrogant with that belt on his shoulder. OBLIGATORY SEVEN YEARS IN TNA VETERAN STATUS. AJ has been the face and the future of this company.

See, that's where logic sort of busts its head through the window. If he's the face AND the FUTURE of the company, then what the fuck? He's been in the company for SEVEN YEARS, since the VERY FUCKING START, and he's the FUTURE of the company? WCW, yo.

Daniels Daniels says he's every bit the wrestsler AJ is and all whiens that he likely wants stuff from him. A giftbag with a free X Division Title reign in it. Maybe that's how X titles are determined. Goodie bags at Birthday parties.

Chrostpeher is like "Maybe it's my lucky day, maybe my situation will change" then says if there's one person in the back who doesn't like him or who he looks at the wrong way, it'll be ANOTHER SEVEN YEARS IN HELL. lol that's how the WWE seems to work. "You don't wanna wear a suit n tie even though you're world champion and the other world champion walks around in a "Ruck Fules" shirt and shredded jeans? Then we'll snatch your title and you'll never see the main event scene for the rest of two years"

Speaking of T-shirts, here comes The Samoan Submission Joe, saying Christopher is working AJ , and he's a bald (HAHA... see, cos he's bald) faced liar. Mentions how Daniels is all jealous of A Jay. Yusuf says there's one reason they're not friends---AJ has something he wants. Skinniness? Oh wait, the championship belt. Josephus says he has no problem telling AJ to his face he's jealous of him, and he has the courage not to attack him backstage like a cowardly punk.

Christopher Danielsan is all "HEY IT WASN'T ME!" and says he could beat AJ one on one in the ring. AJ's like oh shit, is that the way you really feel? You think you're the best? And clearly tehre will be a one on one match with the two. My wrist is hurting, btw, so I will slow down and say, rub a dub dub, cunt fuck nigger spic honky rat mung drinking bukkake chink spic nigger.

AJ says they should have some kind of non-pre-determined match of the wrestling variety where the rules state that, according to HIS EXACT WORDS "there's a winner, and there's a loser". This sounds like a gimmick match to me!

Commercials influenced me to buy a box of uranium. I still have no idea what that commercial was, though.

Eric Jungus and Big Roid Tista come out. Speaking of which, can anyone help me with my research paper due next week? It's kind of sort of hard.

Eric and Rob vs BEER MUNNY w/ Finisher: The Pay-Off

It starts with the Roid and the Drunk, and they lockup and Roid tosses him, but he runs back up into a lockup, and gets shoved, so James Swift decides to just punch him. Irish whip is reversed, Swift ducks, then punches again. Another reversed Irish Whip, Storm gets on the second rope, politely jumps into position for a big-ass slam by big roid.

Michael Tenay LIES. OUT. THE. FUCKING. ASS. By saying Hulk Hogan joining TNA is all over the news. What news, where?

Roode tries to slide in as Storm is being shitkicked, but the ref stops him, so Eric decides to not be a retard, and slides in to get some cheap shots in. MIKE TENAY JUST GOT A NOTE IN NOW SAYING AJ STYLES AND CHRISTOPHER DANIELS FIGHTING AND THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE IS HUL-- no, just kidding. Haha.

Big Roid picks up James Storm and runs around to slam, but it gets slipped otu of and a reverse DDT thingy. Or a sloppy backcracker. Roode gets tagged in, clotheslines Eric Young about, and he back body dorps him, then goes after the non-illegal man. Big Roid reverses the irish whip, but Roodey boots him, then gets on the top rope for a swinging neckbreaker.

Eric Young breaks up a pinfall, and gets hwipped into James Swift who kicks him, then he runs at Roodey, and Roodey back body dorps him onto Big Roid on the outside. Now Roode poses, and Swift throws the British guy in. They go to do something, but Big Roid lifts Roode and shoves him off. Holy hell, he looks like he's got shoulders as wide as Batista, and a body as shrimpy as Kurt Angle's. That's how I know he's not on steroids: all he does is use a Bowflex to build his upper body. And nothing else.

Speaking of which, Eric Hungus decides it's a good idea to run in with his championship belt and smash Big Roid in the face, because Roode ducked. Referee Slick Dick just stands there, staring, with his arms out. He doesn't ring a disqualification, because, like Earl Hebner, he ignores the rules of refereeing and follows the rules of being a stupid mark who thinks that if someone beats the shit out of their partner with a weapon, it MUST be an accident, and thus shouldn't be disqualified.


Anyway, Roode pins the british fag.

WINNAR: Rick Rude and James Swift

Eric Young decides to be an idiot and get slammed by Roode, but a bunch of fags in white pants attack them before they can do anything. If it weren't for Tenay saying it was BRVTVSMAGNVS and TEH DOUG, I would never have figured out who it was. Security comes out, because we clearly haven't seen enough of these stupid-ass brawls. With the amount of TV time these indy security wrestlers get, it's a shock if they don't get paid more than the Motor City Machine Guns and Lethal Consequences combined.

Speaking of the Murder GUns, they ambush the Britons on the top of the ramp and beat them up.

Backstage, TITS! Attached to those tits are the Beautiful People, who will abandon interviewing AJ Styles to film some mean girls 2 thing. TITS!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Wow. After all that huge-ass press and "AVATAR WILL PERMANENTLY CHANGE THE WAY MOVIES ARE MADE AND WATCHED EVER", the trailers for Avatar reveal it to be... as shittily generic as any other random action movie ever made? Obligatory good guy, obligatory good girl who will likely fuck the good guy, obligatory bad guy sergeant played by STEPHEN LANG!, obligatory "Humans are dicks" versus "Cool blue alien race who are so eco-friendly hippo-liberal tree-hugging in touch with nature, Please root for these guys because you're supposed to love them" storyline, and obligatory good guy and good girl betray the humans because Humans are dicks, and use their Avatars to join the hippo-liberal faggots.

Backstage, TITS! And with those tits, the Horrible People batter down a locker room door to reveal ODB using deodorant. She can barely restrain her smile as they mock her. She laughs and calls them the STD sisters. Oh snapsz! HAHA, she calls Lacey a douche. She says she's making a movie, starring one of the Yankees dying to work with Lacey. Lacey wonders if it's Alex Jeter. I love that guy! She says no, Yank Deez Nuts! And boots Lacey in her balls. HAHA! But they overwhelm ODB with their herpes and start spreading makeup on her face, likely to hide the cold sores she'll now have. Then they stuff her into a white bodybag, likely because she will die of syphilis soon.

Also backstage, we have Jay Lethal clearly showing absolutely no understanding of the man he's playing by being EXCITED about Hulk Hogan joining... unless it's to beat his ass and such. YOU A PUNK, HOGAN, OOOH YEEAAH!! Uh oh, Lethal seems to have Savage's angelic side posessing him, as he shows joy in having Hogan join, bruther. He says there will be a NEW home of the Mega Powers! The start next week of the Black Machismo invitational: Anyone with legendary status who wants to bring it, they can. He offers Jake Roberts, Ivan Koloff, Ultimate Warrior, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, etcetera. Clearly he has absolutely no intention of doing anything but jobbing to Hogan.

BACKSTAGE, because one match was just TOO MUCH for this hour, Mick Foley and Jay Bee. Jay Bee says he loves Hulk Hogan, and Foley busts him regarding him being a Hulkamaniac over a nipple tweaker.

Foley turns to the shitty picture destruction, and how he was surprised how the security camera reference was brought up by the Motor City guns. Then he basically accuses Jay Bee of destroying the picture by asking Jay Bee if he wants to say anything about the footage. OH MY GOD, WHAT WILL HE SAY? WHO DID IT?! AND WHERE IS HULK HOGAN, BRUTHER?!

Commercials, then return, then Archbishop Desmond Tutu's negative enters the ring, to face Cory Beaner.

Desmond Wolfe vs Nobody

Wolfe clotheslines and wins.

WINNAR: Desmond Tutu


See here


I'm tuning out for now.

Backstage with Hul--I mean Suicide. Homicide unmasked him and knows Suicide's identity, dude. Is it time to reveal himself?! LOL Suicide makes his voice all growly and throaty like he's fooling anyone, bruther. I have no idea what he said, but since it didn't involve ending his own life, it's clearly pointless.

COMMERCIALS, then MOAR BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT because that Desmond Wolfe match was some kind of awesome... Team 3Dicles talking about Hulk Hogan RIGHT HEUH in TNA, and he has something to say to Dixie Cawdah, and how she has testicles. Team 3DF start to talk about Rhino, and here comes Rhino. He was just walking by, and he has conspiracy theories to speak! Team 3Dicles still managed to lose their match last week, which Rhino points to as CONSPIRACAH! Tonight it's the Dudley Dudes vs Mike Morgan and Fernandez. Bruther Ray says a famous man once said "TO BE THE MAN, HAHA, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN, WOOOOO!" but doesn't name who it is, so I'm pretty sure I don't know who it is.

Speaking of men, here comes a fat one in Undertaker gloves to be guest refereah. By Undertaker gloves, I mean purple. Shockingly purple. The same color purple I use for my CAW's boots and handgear. She uses them to give footjobs, because the toe is curled back like an Arabian's. Or something. Mostly she just jumps off the top of Hell in a Cells and misses. Yes, I do miss a lot!

Christopher Daniels comes out, and instead of entering, AJ Styles is being interviewed by Jay Bee. He's then RANDOMLY ATTACKED BY A TYSON T--HULK HOGAN! Christopher's all like "Clearly I'm innocent now!" and was about to save AJ when Joseph attacks from behind and gives a Musklebuster. HAH! FAG!

Since we had just too much wrestling tonight, we get a REAL match to make up for that fake one now. After a commercial break, the AMAZING TARANTULA comes out to Cena it up with whatever she does now that can be called "wrestling" by a scarcity of people. Seriously, what the fuck is she a famous wrestler for? Or is she just too old now to do anything but the worst possible punches possible, kicks and stomps, clotheslines, suplexes, scoop slams, her finisher, and I can't even remember anything else she's ever done ever.

Tara vs Hamada

It starts with them locking up. Then pushing away. OH YEAH, EXTREEEEME! THIS IS TNA! Tara does a hip toss which looks more like Hamada doing all the work and Tara just standing there swinging her arm. Hamada and Tara doing a bunch of shoves and pushing and near-falls, and by "near" I mean "you're fucking stupid if you think this will accomplish anything but wasting time". They tie up again, then Hamada headboots, and chops, then heabdtsts, then runs and gets kind of pushed with one hand by Tara. I say "pushed" because calling it a clothesline would imply she even tried to make it look like a clothesline.

Tara then does a standing moonsault, then puts Hamada on the turnbuckle and some shoulder blocks. Irishw hip reversed, then Tara does a lazy-ass punch as Hamada gets on the apron, then grabs her arm and does an Undertaker walk ont her opes that TAZ DORPS FORMER COMPANY WORKING FOR SOMEONE USED TO DO THAT but Hamada adds a flip, then smacks Tara in the face with her foot. Pinfail. Tara up, throws her arm flailingly, and gets tossed down by Hamada, who gets on the turnbuckle to moonsault, but Tara exerts her energy by lifting her knees up, so she's exhausted now.

MOVE FIVE TIME: Widowmaker. And a pinfall. She literally got in like five moves, and Hamada fucking dominated her the whole match.

WINNAR: She-Hulk Hogan

Awesome Kong is sick of her shit and comes to --- oh, but the highest paid men in TNA hold her back, only for Tara to jump off the top rope at her.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I get sad because no one agrees with my opinion on the shitty shitty WrestleZone forums. Anything TNA does, they love, and if I say it was horrible, and proceed to offer PRECISE EVIDENCE, they still call me stupid, and even DARE to take that EXACT SAME EVIDENCE and use it to support THEIR OWN stupidity in claiming TNA is good. Example: TNA announcing getting Hulk Hogan. They get a 1.3 rating. THEY THINK THIS IS GOOD! THEY THINK THIS IS A GOOD SIGN! THEY THINK THIS MEANS GOOD TIMES COMING! WWE shits on 1.3 ratings. Any WWE show Hulk Hogan is on that gets a 1.3 rating, a bunch of people would get fired for that monstrosity.

My point? Spread my word to the masses. This episode of iMPACT! is one of the worst ever.

Backstage, Lauren cums all over Tara. Tara bitches about Awesome Kong, saying she didn't come here to be genuinely challenged by an athlete who can match her abilities and strength. Yeah, Kong, what gives?! How dare you put up a worthy fight!

Mick Foley comes out to the ring with a giftaroonie to someone special: Chris Parks. The Taz seems to focus on "Giftaroonie" as well. Mick Foley's all like "I'm a Face now!" and puts the giftaroonie down someplace safe so he doesn't accidentally smack it over Chris's head. Mick Foley's all like they've been through a lot, and now he's all feeling bad about all the stuff he's said about Chris Parks. Shills and praises of Chris Parks now. Foley then pulls the Bullock "American Dad!" defense of "I provoked you because I wanted to see how good/tough you were! And you passed!" But Foley says he's not quite as good as he thought he was... because he's even better! Yippie hooray praises! Chris Parks looks about to cry.

Foley says he didn't make it on his own, he borrowed, or "nibbled from the plate" of various leges, like Harley Race and Terry Funk and such. Mick Foley Face is kind of lame when he's ass licking Chris Parks. He picks up his giftaroonie now, and pretends to be about to smash it on his face. Haha awkward timing!

It's a weird-ass painting like the old one, but it has Chris Parks and Mick Foley on it. Chris Parks happy, gives retard hand clap and such. Foley's like "wait, cut the music" and is all like "I think you've got one more test" and says next week on iMPACT! it will be Chris Parks versus Doctor Stevie, and Chris Parks is all giddy grinning, and they say if Chris Parks pins Doctor, he is GONE from TNA.

Backstage Jay Bee wants to know Scottle Steiner's thoughts on HULK HOGAN! He says they were both in the nWo, and maybe he'll join SCOTT STEINER in the Main Event Mafia. SCOTT STEINER is the only MEM member left? He then goes about to talk about Krystal Lashley wanting to fuck Scott Steiner. BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY! YA!!

Past commercial, here is Matt Morganite shilling Hulk Hogan as the BEST THING EVAR and shits on Bill Cosby and Ralph Kramden, and how he idolized Hulk Hogan. Fag.

Homicide vs Bobby Lashley w/ Kristal Lashley

If Scott Steiner doesn't interfere in this match in any way, I will resign my commission, and become an ardent Vince Russo supporter. EARL FUCKING HEBNER sends Kristal away to the back. Wow. I bet Scott Steiner paid him off, because now while Lashy's busy in the ring, Kristal can be raped backstage. Homicide jumps Lashy to start, but Lashy just shoves him off. Now Bobby in the turnbuckle corner, continually shoving Homicide away, but Homicide in control, tries an irish whip but LINDSAY NO SELLS and shoves him away. Homicide gets on the top rope, jumps and missile dorpkicks.

HOL ON A SECOND TAZ, THAT'S GONNA BE TONIGHT? Mike Tenay's exact words. MOAR WORDS. AJ vs Chris tonight. Meanwhile Bobby Lindsay jumps over Homicide, then picks him up very high and slams him down and pinfalls easy.

WINNAR: Bobby Lindsay

Now before you go about thinking I'm about to resign my commission and such, Homicide takes off one of his boots and tries to smash it into Lashley's face, but he picks up Homicide. WE GET A BACKSTAGE VIDEO ON THE TITAN TRON THING WITH SCOTT STEINER DOING EXACTLY WHAT I SAID ABOVE! Threatening to rape Kristal. In fact, he picks her up and carries her away on his shoulders.

Implied attempted rape. Spike TV: TV for Men. Hello lawsuits!

Lashley nevertheless stops Steiner and beats him up backstage for a brawl. Here come Jay Lethal and Alex Shelley and some guy in yellow to pull Bobby Lindsay away.

When we return-ed from commercials, Homicide is still in the ring, shoves Earl Hebber down, and someone's generic as shit music plays. It's Amazoring Rod! Red flips over Homicide's body, does a flippy-doo thing, then a spinny kick, then a get to the top rope and jump clotheslines at him and Homicide flees the ring.

They shill TNA Turning Point 2009 which looks like shit as usual.

Now it's time for a match, featuring Taylor Wilde's new 90s Japanese surfer-y "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game" music.

Madison Rayne vs Taylor Wilde

They run at each other, then Taylor catches a headlock on her, then gets shoved by Rayne, but she kicks her, then flips over her back, then does a SNAPPY armdrag that looked painful and whiplashy. Taylor's gotten better. She jumps onto the turnbuckle, but Rayne drags her off by her feet, then gets on top and punchies her, then pinfails.

Madison Rayne mocks her taunt, but OH NOESZ gets tripped up by the other blonde. Taylor punches, then dodges a punch, does a back rollup and bridge and pinfalls. lolfail.

WINNAR: Taylor Wilde

The rest of TITS come in to beat up on Taylor Wilde. They also brought a little pink stick baton which due to its pinkness will unfortunately be compared with a dildo. SARITA runs out to save Taylor, I suppose. She beats up all three of them, but Velvet Sky hammers her down, then kicks, then starts choking her. Fucking bell keeps ringing. Why do they even do that shit anymore? That is so 1980.

ODB runs out and they all just run. YAY PAYCHECK!

Back from commercial with DONALD WEST shilling TNA LIVE!@

Backstage with Mel Morgan and Ferdinand. Ferd has to say: Generic "we're here to win, end of story" while Morgan contributes nothing valuable except mocking Rhino's conspiracy theory stuff.

Christopher Daniels vs AJ Styles

lol Joe is in an awkward position after shitkicking Daniels Daniels. It starts with them locking up, then AJ headlock on Daniels Daniels. Daniels tries to shove him off, but AJ stays locked on. AJ is finally forced to break it up when Daniels locks himself into the ropes. Smrt. Christopher now booting on AJ's ribs, then runs at him but AJ jumps around, then high dorpkicks. Christopher now gets his head slammed into the turnbuckle, then irish whipped into the other one, AJ runs to do his super hero punch but Christopher lifts his legs up to boot him in the chest.

BOTH DOWN NOW and they get up eventually and Christopher irish whips him, then kicks him in the ribs. Pinfail. Christopher pifcks up and gutbusters AJ, then runs and Codebreakers him. Pinfail. Abdominal stretch now by Christopher Daniels on AJ Stylesfjjf. AJ gets up, bujt Daniels keeps onto him, then gets punched in the gut. AJ free, runs at Daniels but gets kicked. Christopher scoop slams, then Arabian Moonsaults, and pinfails.

Christopher Daniels now with his knee in AJ's chest, and wrenching his head. AJ with his foot on the rope. Joe's all breaking it up and Daniels is all "RAARGH I HIT YOU!" and Joe's like "I'M WEARING A SHIRT THAT IS BOTH BLACK AND WHITE BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME!" So Daniels Daniels backs off. AJ slams him down anyway, and both people down. They get up at 7, and AJ clotheslines him down, but Christopher Irish whips, AJ gets onto the apron, then does a springboard superhero thing, but Christopher jumps up to smack his gut on AJ's gut to bring them both down. Yusuf of Samoa is pleased.

They get up and AJ is on the turnbuckle and Christopher gets blocked, AJ tries his backflippy into DDT, but Chris flips out, they do a bunch of stuff, which ends in AJ with a Styles Clash and a winfall.


Yusuf of American Samoa lifts his arm, then hands him his belt. Lulz, faceturn. Joe points at him, raises his hand, and bes all smug and like "Hey, I'm your friend, hehehe" and leaves. Then OMFG he slips back into the ring and grabs AJ to put him in a Cock-in-a-clutch. Remember how The Taz was said to be brought in to be Joe's manager guy thing? What a lie that was.

Pointless Hernandez shilling of Hulk Hogan.

Backstage with Doctor and Daffney, and she has her tits squeezed into her corset, while wearing heavy eyeshadow. A bit much. Anyone who saw the episode will get the irony. Doctor is all "I'm throaty-sounding and Chris Parks will never beat me". Daffney very wisely and coherently is all "I'M CRAZY YAYAYAYA!" then goes back to being very normal and sane. Doctor is all he can't wait to share with Chris Parks what he has in store for him next week. Then he lols.

Matt Morgan and Hernandesz vs Teram 3D

Morgan and Buh Buh Devon start off, and they end up in the turnbuckle. They circle around, and there are dueling chants. Lockup and Devon gets a headlock. Morganate shoves him away, tries to clothesline but Devon dives and shoulderblocks him. Morganate catches Devon in a sideslam when he tries to run at him again. Morgan then does his stupid elbow thing on the corner, then a splash. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM-ED! The Taz does not think it is possible for Dixie Carter to have gigantic testicles. Bruther Ray now wrestling with Hernandez, and Hernandez shoulder blocking him, then irish whip. Some jackholes in the audience are hilariously chanting "INS!" Bruther gets upped, then Hernandez springboard shoulderblocks. Irish whip is reversed, and Bruther Ray splashes him on the turnbuckle, Hernandez flipping back up onto the turnbuckle.

Bruther Ray rips open Hernandez's shirt, then chops him. Now an attempt superplex which is happens successfully. Pinfail does not work on Bruther Ray on Hernandez. Devon tagged in now, and he gets on the top rope only to do some kind of failure that gets him stumbling and falling in pain. Hernandez drags Devon in and knees down on his injured knee and starts submission holding his knee.

OMFG RHINO outside touching Bruther Ray's leg. He's all yelling at Bruther Ray, clearly wanting him to stop them from destroying Devon's knee. Bruther Ray's like "Get atta heah!" Matthias Morgan ends up tagged in and pinfails. Rhino has a steel chair now and is offering it to Buh Buh to use, and Matt Morgan has a sick looking single leg boston crab on him. Bruther Ray is like DAMN YOU RHINO and shoves him, while taking the chair for himself. He says "Get the freak atta heah!" The Taz tries to justify Hernandez killshitting Devon's knee by saying he initially didn't WANT to hurt his knee.

Rhino's conspirasah theorah is making moar sense-ah. Devon has not stood up yet and is just getting his knee dorminated. Morgan now brings him up and does a single-leg Atomic Dorp. Bruther finally wakes up and smacks both men with the steel chair. He facepalms then as he gets DQ'd, as he's all sadfaced now cos he knows Rhino is right. Some lone idiot in the front is chanting "ECW!"

WINNAR: Matt Morgan and Not Homicide

Rhino then Gores the guy who isn't Matt Morgan, then Gores the guy who is Matt Morgan. He's all "THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE" at Team 3D. They all looking down and sadfaced while Rhino's cheering and such.

Episodes like that get you canceled. Total fail.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).