So without further retrospect on last week's thing, we move on to a retrospect on last week's Matt Morgan TOTALLY UNSUBTLE FACETURN and the NONMAINEVENT that DID NOT HAPPEN ON TNA IMPACT and so it WAS SEEN BY NO ONE! WHAT HAPPENED? NO ONE KNOWS!
The video package is also set to some stupid music. Also, I'm pretty sure someone who "doesn't give a shit" about their employee's wellbeing is someone who would be fired in any non-African/South American shithole country. Or in a non-Republican America.
We get a video recap of what happened NOT on TNA iMPACT in the form of Matt Morgan beating up Jeff Jarrett, then getting shitkilled by FOURTUNE with blood and chains. And then we get the sort of title that makes you want to stop watching, "Kung-Fu Bischoff"
Speaking of which, he comes out in martial arts attire and gloves, punching at nothing like a Chris Benoit'd boxer, and being accompanied by Ric Flair and a random referee who looks like Kevin Federline. The Taz jibbers something incoherent that ends with Tenay softly asking "the hell are you talking about" then he goes "KIYAAAH!" after Mike Tenay comments on storyline stuff.
Bischoff wants to address right off the bat, MISTER MATT MORGAN! See earlier today they talked to Huk Hogan and they all agree Matt Morgan is not a part of FOURTUNE or IMMORTAL, he is Persona Non Grata, which if you know Latin, means he shouldn't even be in the building right now and probably arrested on sight if not beaten up first. Bischoff explains something similar to this and... essentially threatens what I just said, and wishes him GOOD LUCK IN HIS FUTURE ENDEAVOURS! WHY DID I NOT HEAR ABOUT THIS FIRING ON THE DIRTSHEETSZ?!
Speaking of dirt, Ken Anderson. They don't remember him, so why should I? Oh wait, Bischoff does; he's gonna give him one last opportewnity to face Jeff Harvey. The only thing he has to do is come out, pin Bischoff, sign a contract, and he gets a match. Apparently he isn't even here, so what the fuck. But he say if Anderson doesn't get his skinny little white ass to the ring, he will never ever get a shot at Jeff Hardy, which is an incredibly empty threat given how cheap the TNA World Championship is.
He calls forth Kevin Federline referee and calls him Stifler. He says he PREMATURELY RELEASED (snort snort snort) Matt Morgan from the match last week which no one saw. He explains what happens and Bischoff says he just called me a liar, gives Ric the microphone, and kicks Federline a bunch until he's kicked out of the ring. Then he fires him. SEE YOU AT IWA MIDSOUTH OR WHATEVER MIDDLE SCHOOL CAFETERIA SHITFEST YOU'RE WRESTLING AT NEXT WEEK! Bischoff's music hits again and they leave. What was wha?
Video package, featuring ONLY IMMORTAL FOURTUNE GUISE! nWo this ain't.
Oh my god, only 10 minutes in and already I'm exhausted and have a headache. They do a rundown of the matches tonight, and... it's only two. HOORAY!
Backstage, FOURTUNE meanders in, all five or six of them. TEH DOUGLAS is the only one without sunglasses and confused.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Captain Picard is a smug, weak, jackass
Backstage, Brian Kendrick is laying on a mat getting his backfat oiled and pushed around while reading from Mick Foley's book to the ECW GUISE, when Rob Van Dam meanders in all swaying and wearing sunglasses, like "whuz Raven Raven's not Bischoff's boy?" and arguing and such when FOURTUNE appears all smug and such, and AJ Styles all like go ahead and kill each other, do it, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE ANYWAY. STOP SHOOTING, STYLES~!!!!!11 He says one of the ECW GUISE is going home at Turning Point, and Rhino gets angrymonkey at AJ. AJ definitely thinks it's gonna be BOOR IIING RHIII NO! Rhino spears him, and AJ moves and Rhino ends up spearing RVD into a locker. HURRHURRHURRRRR CONTRIVED INTRIGUE! NONEXISTENT CONTROVERSY! BELEAGUERED SUSPICION! BIG WORDS IN ALL CAPS!
Another video package featuring THE REAL JEFF HARDY doing his mini-Raven act and Anderson Anderson doing what he does best, sucking hard and getting beaten up and injured.
Next up on this wrestling show... A TELEPHONE CONVERSATION WITH ANDERSON ANDERSON! He says after Jeff wasted him int he back of the head with the steel chair, he doesn't know what's gonna happen and such. Boring. He thinks it's hard to know if Matt Morgan can be trusted... despite the fact that Bischoff just fucking fired him. If Anderson doesn't get fired soon, I'm retiring. He wastes me away like a hundred episodes of iMPACT!
Backstage, MOAR BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN FRONT OF THE MAGIC MIRROR! MOAR WINTER SHENANIGANS! MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, TRUE HOPE LIES BEYOND THE COAST! YOU'RE A DAMNED KIND CAN'T YOU SEE, THAT THE WINDS WILL CHANGE!
Anyway, do I even need to cover this Amazon WARRIAH bidness? Here's what I need to cover; Angelina's way of saying HOLY SHIT! in a way that is shockingly both loud AND insanely sarcastic. Wonderful. WARRIAH says in that "I can't act" monotone that Angelina will never be alone again and such, and the camera turns away as Angelina leaves to show ZOMFG SHE'S NOT THERE ANYMORE! SHE MUST BE REALLY REALLY REALLY FAST TO MOVE THE 2.2 FEET AWAY TO GET OUT OF CAMERASHOT!
Sarita vs Velvet Sky
Velvet gets a full nelson on her, then Sarita moves around and flips Velvet over onto her knee but then gets pushed away and irish whip and reverse by Sarita and Velvet slowly puts in a hurricanrana headscissors thing but OH WAIT WE'RE GETTING WORD HERE THAT THAT SITUATION WITH RHINO AND RVD ERIC BISCHOFF IS STIRRING THE POT AGAIN with a match of AJ Styles, Rob Van Dam, and Rhino in a threeway match. Rather than letting it drop and getting back to the match, they argue some more about it.
Rather than starting to call the match as big stuff happens, they ARGUE SOME MORE ABOUT IT! Mike Tenay talks with that slow, stuttering, "GET TO THE FUCKING POINT" tone like when someone is going to tell you a story, but first stops to accentuate certain details, and and and and ummm... to... you know, get their thoughts sorted out first before... uhhh... you know, you need to understand first uhhh... that this is the sort of thing, you know.
And they STIIIIILLL ignore the match to start talking about Lacey Von Erich's bullshit with Miss Fake Tits and such. Maybe she can help miss Tessmacher, The Taz says. Mike Tenay apparently has no opinion. THANKS FOR THE STORYLINE SELL, IDIOT! NOW back to calling the match, and Velvet hits a bulldog on Sarita, then a running clothesline, and tries something that gets countered into a backdrop which is countered again to fall onto Sarita's face.
Velvet Sky ends up out of the ring now and Sarita pulls her in and does an OMFG PEDI---TIGER DRIVER, which Tenay fucking calls a Powerbomb. Not a Tiger Powerbomb, or a Sit-out Powerbomb or a Knee Powerbomb or anything, but a REGULAR POWERBOMB.
That commentary had bowling shoe tendencies. Taz has a stroke over something involving "duke" or "dutch" or "duchess"
Backstage, Eric punches some handgrip things Jeff Jarrett is holding. He wonders if he owes someone an apology for crushing his face or something or other. I wasn't listening.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I've mentioned this before, being as I grew up in the 90s, and only got into wrestling in late late 1999, but... what's Ric Flair's appeal? All he ever does is scream incoherently and go "woo". Ultimate Warrior could do all that, and no one respects him and calls him the GOD of Wrestling. Fuck that shit. From now on, I consider WARRIAH to be the GOD of WRESTLING, and NOT the GAAD, GAAD, GAADGAADGAADGAADGADGDAGDGADGAGDGADGGAD!
Backstage, FOURTUNE again wandering around backstage, everybody picking on TEH DOUGLAS Williams. Ric Flair says they don't have internal troubles; YOU KNOW WHEN THE HORSEMEN HAD PROBLEMS, THEY BEAT EACH OTHER UP IN THE RING! Four Horsemen this ain't. TEH DOUGLAS kind of mumbles all "yeh yeh I'm going..." then he goes off to harass Christy Hemme. Apparently he wants an interview, but they don't have a microphone... except for Anderson Anderson's shit-stinking thing that comes from the butt in the ceiling. For no reason at all, we skip this instead and go to match:
THOSE GUYS and Tara vs Ink Inc and Mickie James/ a hard-cored cunt
I mentioned several times to people about this band I saw many years ago on MTV2's Headbanger's Ball, called The Black Dahlia Murder, and how they were in a music video in which they all stood in a straight line next to each other, wearing the same generic Hot Topic attire, headbanging and playing their guitars in unison, and how it stunk horribly of them being tools. On a related note, when you have two generic wrestlers in WWF Wrestlemania 2000 enter together as a tag team, they move exactly the same, standing side by side. THOSE GUYS/The Hardly Boys just entered in exactly the same generic, tool-ish way, side by side in unison.
The Taz says he wants to see the COUGAR and the HARDCORE CUNTRY go at it, referring to Tarantula who is wearing a shredded thing that says "COUGAR" on it, but she is no 800 pound feline animal! SPeaking of which, Mike Tenay says that Jesse Neal's mohawk reminds the Taz of hemhorroids. I was paying attention to the match, so this came out of nowhere. Speaking of coming, one of those young bucks, when tying up with Neal, grabbed his mohawk in one hand and... stroked it. Like a penis. Like, stroking motions up against his head, not up along the length of the hair.
ANYWAY! Some wrestling, and Jesse now wrestling with the Matt Hardly and such, and Victoria randomly harasses Jesse Neal and he's all like "DURRR" because he can't hit her and yet she can beat the fucking shit out of him fine just fine. Matt Hardly then dropkicks Jesse off the apron, and does this cretin-ish pose and facial expression that just reeks of homoeroticism, bitchboy-ism, and uncomfortable sexual advances. Speaking of which, someone in the crowd has a sign that says "TARA CAN SUCK IT" while she beats up on Matt Buck. Jeff Buck tags in to beat up on Neal some, and then tags in Matt Buck again.
Jesse does a headbutt thing, but then gets dragged out by Jeremy Hardy and Tara clotheslines him when Jeff irish whips him. And he can't do fuckshit. Bullpies~! Still more beating on Jesse Neal by the Buck Boyz and he somehow manages to shove Jeff into Matt, then tags in Shannon Moore who is all beating up on them, then comes to a COMPLETE STOP by... Tara scritching his back. WAY TO REMIND ME OF THE GREATEST SHANNON MOORE MOMENT OF ALL TIME, TNA!
Nice to know that he's shit no matter what company he's in. It's nice to find some commonality between rivals. Anyway a pin gets 2 as Tara comes and beats the shit out of Shannon Moore, which is supposed to be against the misogynist sexist gender rules here, but who gives a shit, TITS. And grotesque elbow tumor. Mickie does buttfuck nothing and the faces win.
Speaking of faces, the heels beat teh shit ouf of them afterwards, then gets on top of Mickie and pulls on her face, like spreading her mouth to make her smile awkwardly or whatever.
Backstage, MARRIAGE COUNSELING with Eric Young and Orlando Jordan. Orlando's outfit is HIDEOUS. Even a real life genuine homofaggot would cringe at its horrid tackiness. They make unfunny gaysex puns involving being LEADER and ON TOP and PICKING PEOPLE FOR YOUR TEAM and HAVING LOTS AND LOTS OF PARTNERS and TAGGING and FEELING THIS GOOD and GREAT TAG TEAM. Personally, I thought this was GREAT! MORE OF THIS ON TNA PLAESE! And totally NOT because I want the company to die before I do!
Anyway, backstage, we have Mike Tenay and such wondering if Jeff Jarrett will apologize to Samoa Joe. Consider the fact that he did not apologize to Kurt Angle. Consider the fact that he almost killed Samoa Joe kayfabe. Consider the fact that minutes into the broadcast, he was with Bischoff, mocking the idea that he would ever apologize to Samoa Joe. Consider why they got rid of Heel Mike Tenay in favor of Face Taz with Strokes and why Mike Tenay still has a commentating job. Consider changing your car insurance to Geico.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: When Jesus was president, he ate babies all the time
BACKSTAGE, smug arselicking of Team 3D talking about their retirement stuff with the Motor City Machine GUnnaz, and 3D say they excited about the match against the Gunnaz. Alex Shelley is like how excited they are to be wrestling them.... again. I remember a while back when these two teams were feuding, something about Bruther Ray angrily demanding that Shelley or Sabin get him a bottle of Yoohoo. REAL YOOHOO, not that new formula shit.
See, only I remember that kind of shit. TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! TNA! Also, Bruther Ray says he's sleeping with his belt on Sunday night after beating the Gunnaz for the titles.
Video package for Jarrett and Angle feud. MOAR DULL PLESE. Samoa Joe calls Jarrett the stupidest mastermind he ever saw in his life. Leaving aside the fact that "stupidest" is not a word, I concur. They integrate this with Matt Morgan and Anderson Anderson and such. MOAR DULL PL0X!
Anyway, this inaugurs Jeff Jarrett's entering into the ring! He addresses Kurt Angle, wondering how he gets off jacking it in the night against limo windows. Or something like that. I think him jacking it is better. He knew Kart Angle was WEAK but he didn't know he was THIS WEAK. He wonders if Eric Bischoff tried to put him in a wheelchair... no.... did Ric Flair try to permanentl cripple him... no... it was ME, JEFF JARRETT! He tried that all along! So if Kart has all this pent-up frustration and anger, he must sit back and think... or go home and be ALLL ALONE HURRDURR MAKING FUN OF HIS EXWIFE LEAVING HIM FOR HIM.
As for Samoan Yusuf, he has one word for him: "I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry"... if he'd known the stage was as high as it was when he threw Joe off, he would have gone a hell of a lot higher. HAHAAAA. Despite that, he calls Joe a good gah, JUST LIKE JARRETT USED TO BE! He's a good gah. He wants to get this off his chest; he don't ever want to hear the words "YOU SOLD OUT" again, causing them to chant this anyway, because Jarrett's southern, and thus not much of a thinker. He says the truth is, he bought in. Too late, Jeff Hardy said that first. He leaves...
AND SAMOA JOE randomly pops up from the middle of the entrance ramp. It was hilarious, and now he beats up on Jarrett and brings him into the ring to beat up on him. The NWA GUISE Murphy and Gunnaz come in to be beaten up by Joe and Jarrett runs away. NWA GUISE then come back and beat up on Yusuf, but OH NOESZ HE IS SAMOAN and overcomes them two. Musclebuster on one of them.
Backstage, Rob Van Dam doesn't know who to trust, who's his friend, who's his enemy. This is an incredibly strained and contrived storyline thread here.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Everyone loves natural tits
Rhino vs Rob Van "Tam" (FUCKING JEREMY BORASH) vs AJ Styles
Rob Van chucks AJ into Rhino, who throws him out, and they both then angrily stare at each other, then Rhino goes out to beat up on AJ while Rob Van watches. AJ goes to argue with Earl Hebber for no reason, and Rob Van baseball slides him lazily. AJ then springboards in and knocks Rob Van Dam out. The Taz sagely notes that this is essentially two ECW GUISE versus one Immortal. Given how the storyline has unfolded with Rob Van Dam and this suspicion thus far, in any other company, this would make sense throughotu the entirety of the match. THIS BEING TNA, THO, IT'S CLEARLY AN EVEN MATCH COS RVD CAN'T TRUST ANYONE HAAAHURRRHOOO~!~!~!!
Now Rhino's in the ring to beat up on AJ after AJ beats up on Rob Van because he's high or something. He IS on his knees in the corner rubbing his eyes. Rhino tries to GORGOR Styles but AJ moves away, only for Rob Van to kick him in the face. Dam goes to try to Rolling Thoonda AJ Styles but he gets up so RV tries to scoop slam but he wiggs out and so end up throwing him out, and then Rhino arbitrarily stops Rob Van Dam from attacking AJ on the outside for I can't even come up with a reason that isn't ridiculous bullshit, and AJ jumps off the turnbuckle on both of them and pinwins on Rob Van Dam.
WINNAR: AJ Styles
ECW GUISE come out to break up RVD arguing with Rhino, then Rob Van suckerpunches Raven in the face and Tommy Dreamer gets on the microphone all like "WUT THE HELL" and how he doesn't return their calls, and Rob Van DAm kind of shouts in a drunken voice "I TRUSTED JEFF HARDY WHY SHOULD I TRUST YOU" stuff and says "YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY DEFENSIVE, TOMMY!", let me say that again, he;'s in Tommy's face, after punching Raven in the face, yelling at Rhino, screaming "YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY DEFENSIVE, TOMMY!"
Tommy decides now's not the time to be in any way reasonable or sensible, and so they have a match of Tommy Dreamer vs Rob Van Dam at Turning Point. Fifty bucks says RVD is the one who betrays them to Bischoff. It's so brilliant, it's stupid. Or it's so stupid, it's brilliant.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 1 hour and 25 minutes of TNA iMPACT is more than an hour too much for one week.
Backstage, ABYSS says that is D'Angelo Dinero were really a Pope, he would know that Hulk Hogan would live forever. I cannot even begin to address this fallacy, so I'll say: Big black dick
Kaz vs TEH DOUGLAS
I don't give a shit about this match. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH. They fight. Lots of flippy-dippy by KAAZ and armbars by the other guy. I mean, AAAARMBAAAAARS! Beer Money then comes out just to walk down the ramp and be asses. Ric Flair is on commentary, by the way. Teh Douglas headlock takedowns KAAZ and keeps him down some and prevents Kaz from trying to roll him over into a pin. They get up and now Kaz has him in a heaedlock, but then he Jerry Lawler's his Andy Kaufman, but Kaz flips out onto his feet and avoids Teh's elbow strike.
Now they face off after some brief stuff and now they face off and such. Then they hold hands and Teh holds Kaz down on the floor but then Kaz pushes him back onto his head and feet, but then Teh gets back up and gets kicked down by Kaz. Kaz then kicks him some. They wrestle some, and James Storm ends up on the apron for no reason, and Teh Douglas is irish whipped into him, knocking him off the apron, and then pinwined on Kaz.
Because Storm is drunk, as evidenced by the bottle in his hand, he is not of sound judgement and so assumes Teh Douglas intentionally bopped him one. Ric Flair rushes in to be peacemaker with his lollipop and shake hands with Teh Douglas, while people chant something incomprehensible. It could be "WE WANT FOUR MEN" or "WE WANT FOREMAN" or "WE WANT FORTUNE" or "WE WANT HORSEMEN". Point being, TNA's crowd is stupid.
EARLIAR TODAY, The Pope talks about his favorite thing going down with Abyss, and now he's got him one on one and he gonna go out there tonight and handle business and if he has to pimp slap the Nookie Monster Abyss until there's nothing left but the thong on his face that he calls a mask, then that's what it'll have to be.
BACK FROM COMMERCIALS MOAR UNFUNNY GAYSEX PUNS as Eric Young talks about how his mother wanted him to be SINGLE but TAG TEAM feels so right, while he rests his head in Orlando's lap. Orlando says it's him; he hasn't communicated properly, and he has to tell Eric something while the camera zooms in uncomfortably to show Eric's fist close to Orlando's crotch. Orlando has to admit, he's bi..... POLAR, Eric Young finishes! YES He diagnosed Orlando as that months ago! He then calls the counselor a scam and a snake "water" salesman, and asks if he validates parking. I'm pretty sure this is taking place in one of TNA's nondescript backstage rooms, but
Abyss vs His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero
It starts with the black man beating on Abyss first, while wearing TAPE AROUND HIS STOMACH OH NOESZ BIG TARGET WUT! Abyss resting on the ropes and Pope goes to bounce off the other ropes but Abyss comes up and kicks him down like the BOY he is. Pope slowly gets up into the corner and Abyss slams into him all fat and stupid and such. Abyss beats on the Pope from the outside, and by ringside two Long island-looking faggots yell at his face, and Abyss shoves the Rodney looking faggot and drags in the Joey Abs looking faggot. He then grabs two others on the other side and beats on them, then starts tearing the shirt off the fat one because SHIRTLESS FAT GUYS = COMEDY GOLD!
WINNAR: No one?
Bell rings for disqualification for some reason, and Pope is all he wants to beat on Pope's congregation? How about they say Fuck all the fans here, lez have a Lumberjack Match on the PPV Sunday, and the Lumberjacks will be all the Pope's congregation FOR REALSZ HURRDURR. Hey, remember when Abyss arbitrarily said he was looking to get the TNA World title from Rob Van Dam? NO?!
After commercials, the ugliest motherfucker I seen tonight is talking to some ugly bitch with bird feathers in her hair called "Cooks" and he's talking about his ugly-ass white belt and they talk trash on Jay Lethal. He says They're tan, they're hot, and Jay Lethal is not. Uhhhuhh... I don't... BITCH, JAY LETHAL IS DARKER THAN YOU!
Video package shilling Turning Point. Also, I'm pretty sure Mickie James and Victoria NEVER EVER feuded EVER in WWE ever. Backstage, Eric Bischoff wanders around saying all SOMEBODY'S GETTING THEIR ASS KICKED TONIGHT and the camera goes away to shoot darkness as some random guy is like HEY WATCH IT... ASSHOLE. HURRDURR HINT HINT KEN ANDERSON DURRRRRRRRR URRR URRR URRRR ARF ARF ARF ARF it's not him. It's Matt Morgan.
Another Diet Raven promo by Jeff Hardy. I literally did not understand anything he said. He put such huge pauses between his words, that I could not coherently string anything together. YEEEAAH TNA!
Eric Bischoff comes out, and some wires get crossed with regards to continuity, as Eric says he will MAKE IT EASY on ANderson Anderson, as ALL HE HAS TO DO is... come out, pin Bischoff, and sign the contract. Which if you're not fuckign retarded, is exactly what Anderson had to do to begin with. So he gets JB to make the announcing shit.
Eric Bischoff w/ 8th degree Blackbelt in Karate, 34 wins, 0 defeats, all by Technical Knockout, Undefeated, Undisputed, Unchallenged, Unwelcome, Unknown TNA Kickboxing Championship vs Anderson
Apparently Anderson Anderson is from the frozen, inbred tundra of Green Bay, Wisconsin, and he's never been champion, and he's the impotent warrior, the "Russian" (what?) of Concussion, the pussy willow of Wisconsin, the President Obama of head trauma, the--- Eric, this is ridococulous, JB say! People chant "READ IT!" and such. Bischoff angrily takes the microphone from him saying he wanted him to read the whole thing.
Bischoff then says it's OBVIOUS Anderson is out here, so why not have Bischoff killshit Jeremy Borash? I'm all for it; and Bischoff gets to it. Lights then go out and Anderson music hits, and from behind, Matt Morgan is behind Bischoff saying MISTER ANDERSON loudly into the microphone. Then he carbonites Eric Bischoff in the head with his foot. He then pins Eric for a 3, just as the show ends.
TNA YAY: It wasn't 3 hours long
TNA BOO: Everything
TNA WTF: Did you seriously forget the stipulations of the Bischoff/Anderson match and then just re-state it and claim them to be new stipulations?
I'm tired. And sick. And drunk. And sexy.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).