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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(10/29/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Welcome all to TNA iMPACT... bruther. I totally missed the intro video, so I can't tell you what it was about or if anything important will happen tonight, dude, but take my word for it that I highly doubt anything special or extraordinary will occur.

LAST WEEK VIDEO PACKAGE! Recap of Kurt Angle from last week in the form of a video package, who now loves the boys and girls of the lockerroom, while DESMOND FUCKING WOLFE who basically all but admits its a fake name by claiming he is "currently known as" Desmond Tutu attacks Angle and does a bunch of stuff..

Michael TNA claims the world is talking about some Hulk Hogan guy signing with TNA. Who? Oh yeah, he's the father of that guy with the CD, Mr. Brooke Hogan, right? I saw him on the Jeff Dunham Show, but he was playing a girl. Come to think of it, he sounds kind of like a girl sometimes, and has breast implants, dewd..

SPeaking of sounding like a girl, here comes Desmond Tutu. Haha, see? Because the most famous person in the world with the name "Desmond" is Bishop Desmond Tutu, or Desmond Llwellyn, who played Q in the James Bond series until he died..

To us wankahs (which is never going to be an insult in America, so fuck you stiff-assed Brits) he is Desmond Wolfe, or as they call him "Wolfe" and he's all "I was raised to be the world's greatest foightah. It's in moi blood, it's in moi genes, it's wot oi was born ta do.".

Then he says he was destined to be a champion, then says he will dominate this sport that he was BUILT for, and he was DESIGNED for. AHA! So he is Robocop, come to seek payment from Sting for saving his life that one time in WCW so many years ago! But he keeps talking shit about Angle, saying he could break his neck... bruther. But he didn't cos he made his mark, dewd. In one night only, he says he became the greatest "wresluh" in the history of TNA..

KURT ANGLE MUSIC COMES OUT AND KURT ANGLE FOLLOWS without pants. Wait, exactly how does cheapshotting and ambushing an old cripple make you the greatest "wresluh" in TNA? Is that what it's really come to in TNA?.

Oh yeah, and Angle's all like "while I was praising the young guys" etcetera, guys like namedorp for cheap pops on AJ and Matt and Eric and Hernandez and other people without the cool and kooky names of old like Hulk or Jake or Doink or Yokozuna or Sergeant or Big Van. He says NOBODY comes in his backyard and pisses in it! Somehow the emotional impact of that statement is belied by the narm of its content. NOBODY COMES IN MY BACKYARD AND PISSES IN IT! Typical "I'm gonna beat your ass" stuff now, and it's apparently a verifiable portion of true existence..

BACKSTAGE with Lauren and AJ in front of a TV and the camera guy wiggling around as usual, but with a solid object in front makes it hurt my head. AJ has a message to the punk who attacked him from behind, but SAMOAN YUSUF comes in all like "why don't you tell him yourself?" and AJ's like "THEM'S FIGHTIN' WURDS" but Joe's like "Not me" and says your bald buddy Daniels. Oh snapsz! While AJ was feasting, Christopher was fired. Christopher Daniels being held back and such. Joe makes loads of sense and AJ faces it up with all "NUH UH NOT HIM HE'S MY FUH-FUH-FUH-FWIEND!" Then he's all like "You talkh about Daniels, you talk about me".

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: All of Taylor Swift's songs in that new commercial sound exactly the same..

BACKSTAGE NOW WITH AWESOME KONG BEATING UP A RANDOM ROOM AND BITING ON A PILLOW! THEN BEATS UP THE ROOM SOME MORE!.

I concede that Dixie Carter is attractive and I would certainly be unapposed to seeing her strip naked and service men by the thousands..

Speaking of gratuitous sex and pornography, here are the Knockouts!.

Alissa Flash w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Tara.

Another moronic sign says "SHE IS TARARIFFIC" and I can only think of how poor this person's spelling must be for them to mispell my name! Oh yeah, and there's wrestling to be had. They all tie up and Alissa all arm-bar-y and hair-pull-y and slammy on Taranosaur and all bouncing and then they tie again but Victoria gets her from behind, then Flish breaks it up, and grabs her, but only punches her gut because she failed to catch a Belly to Belly suplex in time..

Tara ends up on the turnbuckle, and Cheerleader runs at her but Victoria dodges, and catches her head and does a Tarantula on the ropes. After letting go, she slingshot legdrops in, then whips into TNA turnbuckle, and now shoulder blocks on Cheerleader Alissa, but then she kicks Victoria away after a bit. Irish whip on Tarantula, then a knock down move and a PIN! ONE TWO! TWOOOO! To no avail, says The Taz. Cheerleader Flash stomps on Tara, then puts her onto the second rope to squish her, then stretches her arm along the upper rope and presses down on her..

Now a scoop slam on Tara, and CHeerleader Melissa OH MY GOD AWESOME KONG COMES OUT AND JUST CHUCKS A BIG-ASS CROWBAR IN THE RING AND IT CATCHES ALISSA IN THE THIGH AND SHE GOES DOWN BUT NOT really I was lying. See, my lies are so realistic, you'd believe them. A bunch of shit was happening, and The Taz had a retard aneurysm spending some half a minute doing nothing but saying "Hot Possum" again and again. No fucking idea where the fuck that came from..

Also, there was a super plex, but \both womerns are up now and Tara gets a Fireman's Carry, and The Taz SHIIIIIITS on Cena by saying "It's tough to get a win on a basic Fireman's Carry" OOHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIT! Tara resorts to lazy-ass clotheslines, then a BASIC snap suplex for another pin attempt which undoubtedly succeeds, but yet Alissa kicks out before a number three can be shouted by the audience. Pump Handle from behind by Cheerleader Saeed since Tara failed so miserably..

Now Raisha gets a surfboard thing on her, then smashes Victoria's face on the mat, and sh egoes for some kind of weird-ass move Mike Tenay calls a "Fireman's Carry Sideslam". The Taz keeps up the shitting on Cena by saying "It wasn't pretty, but effective".

WINNAR: TARANTULA GIRL.

Rather lame and tame, and Tara's totally to blame. I gief 9 out of 33 stars..

Since I never lie, AWESOME KONG SPRINGS OUT, and Tara goes and gets FUUUUCKIIIING KIIIIIIIICKED THE SHIT DOWN! It was fucking awesome, like a standing curb stomp right on Victoria's implants. Speaking of implants, she Implant Busters her ontop of Raisha Saeed. LOL SECRET INSIDER REFERENCE THING! The Taz says she mouths "I'm back" and he never knew she left. I have to agree... what the fuck..

BACKSTAGE NAO with Team 3DF in the lockerroom when OMFG RHINO comes in all calm and such. Holy hell he looks skinny in that jacket. Rhino's all "I'm here because I thought you two were finally seeing the picture" and how Hernando wanted to end Rhino's career after the match and such. Tonight, he has Mike Morgan. No Rhino, I see a pattern here, too. Buh Buh Ray Bruther Deadly is all Rhino's insane for conspiracy theory and such, and says he saved Hernandez from Hernandez, because if he throws Rhino over the ropes and his brains splatter, Hernando will get suspended..

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS?! WHY DID THEY REALLY STOP HIM?! Because deep down, they know Rhino's right. Bruther Devon says thank you, but they don't need any help from the Murder City guns. Rhino's like "watch your back cos they're all in on it" and Bruther Ray's like "DANKS FOA DE ADVICE LEE HAWVEY!" .

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Semper Fudge.

The Team 3D Boys vs Motor City Machine Guns.

It starts with Alex Shelley and the fat one. WHICH ONE'S THE FAT ONE?! HAHAHAHA BAA-AA-AA, AA-AA-AAA_AAA. Shut up. I get my kicks somewhere, and damn the expense. Also, I was wrong---the fat one starts us off, taking control of Alex, until Alex sneakily trips his ass up, then punches and high round kicks him for a PINFALL GAME OVER!!! No, not really. Alex whips Devoy, but he reverses, but Shelley moves and kicks him, then runs but gets Powerslammed by him. Nao Devoy tags in his bruther, dude, and Shelley rolls around to befuddle the fat old man, then tags in Chris Satan, who instantly gets caught in an arm-wrench by Bruther Ray, bruther. .

Sabin flipp-ydips and kicks on Ray's gut. THIS IS NOT BALLET, says The Taz. Drink a shot. Sabin gets on the top rope and does a high as hell cross-body, but Bruther Ray is up almost immediately and does a Rock Bottom on him. Sabin landed on the back of his fucking head, and this is probably that thing that Kevin Nash did an OMFG SHOOT about in that interview cut from this broardcast. SHelley gets in to trip up Bruther Ray, then Bruther tags in Bruther Devon, dewd. MOAR REPLAYS of Bruther Ray's sickening stiff of Sabin. I say sickening because they slowed it down and you can see clearly he lands on the back of his fucking head..

Paramedics come in foar Chris Satan, while Shelley gets tripped up by Devoy, then Buh Bruther gets tagged in and easily dorminates him. Whip then a side slam, and a pinfail. Alex gets whipped up, tries a counter to Bruther, but is about to be back dropped, slips free, and kicks him in the head. The Taz proves a bit insightful in giving us a similar story where he broke his neck in ECW and Eddie Guerrero had to finish a match without him. .

Alex Shellu now with a SINGLE LEG BOSTORN CRAB ON DEVON BROTHER. Devon smacks the mat once, and the referee is all like "TAP OUT" and declares them the winnars, while Team 3D is like "WHAT DUH FUCK?" but you can't hear it because he didn't say it..

WINNAR: Murder City Alex Shelley.

Thoughts: This felt like a squash match for some reason. Maybe just a case of SvR09/TNA iMPACT! WWE-itisy thing. As in, beat the fucking shit out of Batista all you want, CAW stranger, but he will NOT stay the fuck down for more than five or six seconds. I gief 2 out of 8 stars..

Backstage now, with Scott Steiner, saying he is here to apologize to Franklin Lashley's wife, and he is truly sorry she has no idea what it's like to be with a real man. HE SEES HER LOOKING AT HIM IN THE BACK and he can see the LUST, the DESIRE, that she wants to be with him! I think I've seen this on Law and Order and Law and Order SVU and Law and Order CI and NCIS and 60 Minutes and CSI: New York and CSI: Miami. My point being he's an implied rapist..

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The Star Trek episode "Who Mourns for Adonais?" does not have Adonais in it at all, nor is he even mentioned by anyone ever. .

BACKSTAGE NOW with HERMIE Sadler with the faggiest fagname this side of Fagtown. He was interviewing Amazoring Red and DON WEST a while ago. WHoly shit, Amazing Red looks and sounds exactly like every high school hispanic I've ever seen on camera or speaking in front of a class. A gaping black hole of charisma and bland honesty. Don West was cut-off mid sentence for them to be all like "CATCH THE REAL THING ONLINE" .

Eric Young from Canada (the whole country, apparently) vs Bobby Lindsay.

One thing I find particularly egregious is when Scott Steiner was literally groping Crystal's face and neck, NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE OR SECURITY AROUND HER DID A FUCKING THING. That's just fun. I sure hope Steiner fondles me if I ever go to the iMPACT! Zone. Bobby beat up Eric right away, the only move used being a back body drop. Then Eric flees the ring and Bobby goes out to beat on him, and throw him into the ring but OMFG SCOTT STEINER attack from nowhere. HAHAHA He has a sleeveless shirt with Crystal Lashley painted on it in a bikini..

He poses for Crystal, then gets DRILLED from the side by the Bobby Lashley. Somehow this is not a disqualification all around and Eric Young attacks Bobby Lashley in the ring, only for Lashley to bury his shit and put him into that lazy-ass inverted DDT type submission. Steiner fumbles a steel chair in the ring, but manages finally to attack him and get disqualified..

WINNAR: Rick Rude memorial clothing.

.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My local pool was closed due to AIDS..

When we come back, Scott Steiner and Bopbby Lashley have mysteriously disappeared, where the WORLD LEET are int he ring, either selling ice cream or from the moon. Brutal Magnus wants to address something. THE RUMARS ARE TRUE: THe Britons have been suspended without pay until Turning Pay. What? Some sign in the audience says "TURKEY IS WORLD ELITE" lol Turkey sucks. Brutal says that cage match last week was Baer Money's last shoot, and all they needed to do was make sure they left with the belts. And they fined the British. I sure hope they really ARE suspended without pay. THat'd be funny if they didn't get that week's pay. .

It's a vacation for them. And now here comes Cancer Man to brag about his leges title, and American swine, and what he just saw was the leader Eric Yung hand Bobby Lashley his first defeat... DQ'S DO NOT WORK THAT WAY. .

Eric Young will change the wrestling world and shake its foundations with his announcement! The Leges title is dead! Done! But his title will be referred to as the TNA Global Championship. TNA is fucking SHAKING! SHAAAAKIIIING! The foundations are rubble! His rules are he will not defend his belt on American soil or against an American wrestler, because "you people" don't deserve him as their champion. By "you people" I'm assuming black people. Nice job, bruthers. .

Kevin Nash's "Don't Say Led Zepplin" music hits, and it takes a full 50 or 60 seconds before he even comes out on top of the ramp. He has something to say!!! I think. DIdn't they have a deal at Bound for Glorious? Wasn't the deal Hernandez doesn't touch him, and Kebong gets 60,000 dollars and his championshit? And Eric didn't keep his part. And the joke of paying him in IRANIAN DOLLARS (Sheiky Baby Bashir) was funny. It's funny to me! HAHAHA, Iran doesn't use dollars, fuckwit. Take that, petty semantics! I mean, in the name of petty semantics! .

Eric Young says the shoe is on the other foot, because Kevin's been doing that kind of stuff for YEARS! He could say he learned from the master, AND! THE COMMANDER! Eric Young knew one of them was being screwed, so he made sure it wasn't him. Eric says they can forget about it, or Nashicles can step in the ring and have a conversation but OH NOESZ BEER MONEY is in the ring behind them and they ATTOCK! Weapons are used, people flee, Kevin very slowly advances on Eric while Eric manhandles the only hispicanic of the group..

BACKSTAGE with AJ and Christopher Daniels. DANIELS HEARD WHAT JOE'S BEEN SAYING! AJ says don't worry bout it. Daniels Daniels is all like "How about [you say] 'I know it's not true, Chris'" etcetera. And AJ's like I know it wasn't you and Daniels Daniels is like "Oh, you THINK it wasn't me?" and all like a couple of words from JOE has him doubting Christopher's friendshitp. CHrsitopher angry, goes to settle it with JOE. The Taz says the plot thickens. What plot, where? .

The Horrifying People vs ODB, Hamada, Christy Hemme .

Commercial happens and interrupts the beginning of the match. When we come back, one of the Horrifyingly awful people is choking CHristy Hemme on the turnbuckle and such. I think it's Velvet Sky, but no one can --- oh wait, her name is on her butt panties. Christy takes control now, kicks her in the back of the head, pinfails, then axes her back, and reaches over to tag in Hamada who is on the top rope, but Velvet runs away and tags in one of the other ones with a skirt. Hamada flip-dips about, then knocks her ass down with something nifty..

Hamada scoop slams, then gets on top rope but VELVET SKY tosses her off. Velvet Sky then gets tagged in, double Russian Leg Sweep on Hamada and a PIN BUT only a two count. Now she chokes Hamada. Snapmare by Velvet, then a kick on Hamada's back, run and dropkick. The Taz stupidly thinks the back of her panties says "Shy" and Tenay points out it says "Sky" and The Taz mouths off a few rhymes, ending with "Pie". That's the hightlight of this match. Also, Hamada gets double teamed, then Lacey Von Erich does a few pointless things, then tags in Madison Rayne, who does a few pinfails because she sucks..

Tags in on Velvet Skye, they irish whip Hamada, she ducks, then double dropkicks them. ODB finally gets tagged in and killshits everyone, and gets Velvet Sky on a Fallaway Slam. Then she kicks one of them who runs at her, irish whips, then bares her huge tits to use to slam into her. Well, not really bares, but opens her shirt up. ODB does a Bronco Buster on her, and Mike Tenay FILTHY FILTHY FILTHYYYYYYY'S it up by saying "Is that the Bronco Muncher or is that the Carpet Buster?" FILTHYYYYY!.

Speaking of filthy carpety munching, here comes Christy Hemme to use her firey crotch to give Madison Rayne AIDS, but Lacey gets tagged in after Christy misses, and she does a shitty looking chokeslam for the win..

WINNAR: Christy Hemme.

Thoughts: OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE for Christy. Poor girl reminds me of me... so cute and sweet and ditsy, and always fucking everything up for the more talented girls around her..

SPeaking of fucking shit up, HERE COMES AWESOME KONG TO FUCK SOME SHIT UP but TARA INTERCEPTS and they start beating up on each other. Securitah tries to berak them up but they just get closer and closer, pounding on each other. ONE guy is holding back Tara. SIX OR SEVEN are holding back Awesome Kong. I know why; it's cos she's black. Always gotta keep brothas and sistas down, huh?! HUH!?!.

When we return form the commercial, the two are still beating on each other backstage. Then we get a video package of the Doctor Stevie, Mick Foley, Chris Parks thing happening with those people who were completely left out of last week's iMPACT! THeir Bound for Gloriously match involved use of a gratuitously fake sound effect of a woman screaming when a table is thrown on Daffney. That's all I remember..

Doctor Stevie vs Chris Parks.

It starts with Doctor on the microphone talking typical "you suck" shit to Chris, then Chris makes his enterance. Doctor tries to attack on the ramp but FIALS! Speaking of "fial"ure, Chris is still wearin ga Mick Foley flannel thing like a faggot. Doctor tries punching on him, but Chris Parks NOSELLS THAT SHIT, BRUTHER! Retard handclap, then he throws Doctor out of the ring, onto the metal guardrails. Then he slams Doctor's head on the steel steps..

The Taz is a pansy. I could beat his ass easy. He says if he had mental issues, he would not go to Doctor Stevie. And I would. Thus, I can beat his ass. It's just science..

Chris Parks throws two garbage cans full of stuff into the ring and both hit Doctor. That reminds me of Wrestlemania X8 the game where you could THROW objects at people. That was fakeen oresum. Doctor Stevie kicks Chris Parks when he tries to run at him, then gets a hocket stick to use as a weapourn. Spreads open Chris Parks and elbows his thigh, and then wraps his legs around his leg to punch at his leg. Doctor now beating on him from behind, and pressing his face on the turnbuckle with his boot. Now he gets on the top rope, bringing up Chris Parks' body, and going for some kind of Tornado DDT but CHris Parks shoves him away. .

THEN CHRIS PARKS GETS A SHOCK TREATMENT BACKBREAKER PIECE OF SHIT for a three fall. And the ring is covered with weapons that virtually none of them were even used..

WINNAR: Chris Parks.

I gief match 1 out of 3 stars..

Kendu stick attack by Doctor on Chris Parks after the match! He chokes on Chris Parks like so much cock, and OMFG MICK FOLEY'S MUSIC HITS and he comes out all happydappy and thumbs up on Doctor. I sense an obvious OMFG SWERVE heel-face turn. Mick Foley takes the kendu stick while Doctor gets into obvious position, and Mick blatantly attacks Doctor. I can tell you I saw this coming as soon as... well, I saw it coming. As soon as his music hit. Foley just leaves, then, but slowly, while glaring at Doctor Steven..

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: .

QA: What was the thinking behind doing CCW? Surely you and Hulk could have made a lot of money by going to TNA or even going back to work for WWE?.

Eric Bischoff: Neither one of us were interested in TNA. It's a small organisation that doesn't have very much vision...There was nothing exciting there for Hulk or myself..

QA: Have TNA approached you at all about working for them? What would be your advice to them if they want become a true challenger to the WWE like WCW was?.

Eric Bischoff: There's no vision for that company...They are people who have never been to the dance. They've never been a part, really, of any of the decision-making processes that led to the success of the industry. For me to sit down and say "listen guys, this is what you have to do to be successful" would be like telling a three-year-old how to fly an aeroplane. You can try all you want, they're never going to get it..

Jay Bee follows Mick Foley backstage all like "What was that" in deadpan, and Foley says No Comment, and Jay Bee's like I need moar than that! Mick chortles heartily, and says what happened was between he and Chris Parks. Michael Tenay conjectures that Mick Foley was channeling Baron Von Raschke. HE'S NOT DEAD, TENAY..

"That's the War Machine" Rhino vs "BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE" Mark Morgan.

They start off with standing. Then they go to tie up but RHINO boots him, then runs at him but Matthias just knocks him aside. Punchies now on him. Rhino clings to top rope, and MOrganite does a slipnslide. Tenay basically shits on every single TNA wrestler by claiming the BIGGEST MOMENT EVER FOR TNA is getting Hulk Hogan. Rhino and Morganite fight on the outside, Rhino tosses Morgan in, then stomps on him. Stomps moar. Stomps again. COMMON THREAD! HULK HOGAN AMERICAN GLADIATORS MATT MORGAN WAS A GLADIATOR THERE. He forgot the obvious "They were on WWE first" link, oh noesz! They're talking about Hulk Hogan a lot in this match..

Speaking of totally ignoring the action, Morgan is in the ring and lost control under Rhino, who stomps on him in the corner. Rhino punches on Morgan in the turnbuckle. Rhino then picks him up, slams him on the top turnbuckle, then moar punches, then a posing, then he backs away and runs at him only to get shoved aside, then clotheslined twice as he runs at Morganite. Then he splashes him on the turnbuckle, Rhino stumbles off, and Morgan does his lazy sidedump thing on him. .

Rhino up on his feet now and OMFG CHOKESLAM?> But Rhino revarses, and gets a Belly to Belly suplex. Rhino now apparently trying to do a Goar, but Mike hits a BOOT to his face and pinfalls. .

WINNAR: MATT MORRIGAN .

I gief 18 out of over 9000 stars. .

Rhino attacks him from behind, then does a Belly to Belly suplex. Michael Tenay tells us "you can tell how upset he is by his actions". FUCKING MIKE TENAY! Rhino then gores him for truly, when OMFG HERNANDOESZ'S MUSIC and he runs down and Rhino flees. Hernandez put on his little rinkydink bandana just to pull it off and throw it to the mat? Gay. Rhino's all like "ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE HERE IN TNA" ignoring the fact that he just LOST his fucking match CLEANLY. .

Now we are backstage and the like with Samoan Yusuf being all calm and cool and smug with Christopher Daniels confronting him. YUSUF doesn't know that Daniels Daniels wouldn't attack AJ! He says that AJ rolling his eyes when Joe brought that up, it told Joe that even the thought of Daniels being able to take AJ down was a joke in his mind, bruther. OoooHhhhhhh. He says that it tells him that AJ doesn't even think Daniels Daniels is in his league. Oooohhh shiiiiiiiit. Daniels Daniels gets ANGRYFACE and smacks a poster of Samoan Joe..

DON WEST SHILLING TNA LIVE! Oh noesz, Homicide interrupots Don and is all like "I BEAT YO BOY NEXT WEEK! I WANT MY TITLE SHOT!" He freaks out on him and screams in Don West's face. He freaks out and chickens and is all like "I THINK THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD IDEA!" Oh shit, Homicide jacked his wallet. JACKED, YO! He steals Don's cash, and takes his driver's license. DEEBO.

Backstage yo with KURT ANGLE all saying Desmond Wolfe attacking him is taking a shortcut, and 9 times out of 10, taking a shortcut leads to a deadend, and this will lead to a deadend. Jay Bee suggests MAYBE WOLFE's appearance is someone behind him who wants him out of TNA. Angle pretty much confirms that by saying "You're sounding just like Rhino!".

BACKSTAGE Lauren shows us that AJ Styles has been jumped by Tyson Tomko. Oh wait, you're not supposed to know that yet. that AJ Styles has been jumped by Macho Man Randy Savage. OOoooh yeeeuuuh, I'm gunna get you, Hogan!.

Commercial came and went and we come back to the ambulance leaving. That's some slow as shit service. What if he had a heart attack? He'd be dead, bruther. .

Kurt Angle vs Nigel McGuinness.

The Taz mentions how being in the ring with Kurt Angle makes for a long evening. Just to show you how fucking stupid that statement is, I will post to you the ENTIRE MATCH IN QUESTION:.

.

FailTaz. WinTaz..

Abgle lunches at Desmond Tutu, attacks right away against the turnbuckle, punches on him, then kicks on him at another turnbuckle. Angle slams Wolfe's head in the opposing turnbuckle, punches, european uppercuts, kicks. Way to make Nigel look like a bitch, Angle. Further bitchalating himself, we get a big closeup of Nigel opening his mouth wide, presumably to suck Angle's dick like the bitchdog he is. Oh hey, he finally takes SOME advantage, and uses it to do 1/6th the amount of punches and kicks Angle did to him. He's slow as shit, is what I'm saying. Like a bitch..

McGuiness further bitchalates as he tries to turnbuckle stuff on Angle, but Angle beats him out of that, and takes control again. Punches, then he clotheslines him over the top rope. You a bitch, Briton. Angle starts dominating the bitch on the outside, just slamming him everywhere all around. The Bitch takes some control by rolling off the apron and kicking Kurt. Mike Tenay says he's been focusing on the offense of Desmond BITCH throughout this match. The result? WHAT OFFENSE?! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!.

They both end up in the ring, OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE, and Angle is being VERY SLOWLY BEATEN ON by Desmond Bitch with nothing but punches and stomps, and a fucking EYE POKE AND BITCH SLAP. Fucking bitch. And all it does is make Kurt angry, and he beats on Bitch, but then Bitch slams Angle's head down on the mat. Desmond Wolfe makes a big-ass show of bouncing off the rope with a backflip of something, then subsequently gets BITCHED and German Suplexed a few quarter-dozen times. But he HULKS UP and nosells that shit, and clotheslines Angle from behind. Earl Hebner is all like "noooo" trying to get him away from Kart, because referees make up rules on the spot with complete disregard for consistency. .

OWEN VOICES abound as Kurt is all stiff and such. Desmond Bitch bitches at him, despite getting in like 20% of the total match's offense in, like the bitch he is, dude. Bitch..

Commercial break, then we come back and Angle is being carried out..

WINNAR: Kurt Angle.

VIDEO FOOTAGE NOW of this guy who apparently is the father of the celebrity Brooke Hogan, wearing all pink. I think it's pretty clear just why Hogan's being brought in now, after Homicide has claimed to see Suicide unmasked in the ring....

[image]

OOOOH SHIT NIGGA! Sean Carless figured it out, why didn't you? He didn't offhandedly mention wanting to "blow his brains out" for nothing! .

Speaking of which, I'm not going to give you any coverage of this video clip. It's clipped up a bunch. Also, Hogan seems to think HE HIMSELF will raise TNA ratings ABOVE WWE ratings...

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead. .

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com.

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).