Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(10/28/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Welcome to MY TNA RECAP THING! I also notice that I'm getting quite a bit of Twittering followers, almost 15 or 16 or more now!!!!! So go there, http://twitter.com/CaptainHalo and such or whatever. Or don't.

So everyone's talking about Brock Lesnar losing his UFC thing. In what way is this surprising? It's not wrestling, so you can't expect him to win all the time.

Who gives a shit about UFC? It's not WRAAAAASLING! It's a bunch of half-naked guys hugging each other on the ground. Who wants to see bland, monotonous, muscly men hugging each other in a ring and punching each other's heads? At least do a Shooting Star Press, Brock Lesnar!

Malcolm Not in the Faggot, you're a fucking mark. Mark-ass bitch, shut the fuck up and do your job.

Intro video thing starts with Jeff Harvey's Diet Raven promo things and such. Then we go backstage where Mickie James is beating up on Tara backstage in catering. The least I can say is at least it looks like a real fight instead of what WWE does. OH HEY WWE REFERENCE DROPPED BY MIKE TENAY! The Taz creates false conflict by claiming MICKIE JAMES is the reason Tara was fired from the WWE. I've still got images in my head from way back in late 2007 ECW Thanksgiving, with that diva food fight, in which they literally helped one another get covered in food.

The brawl comes out into the outside area on the street, and such. Madison Rayne then appears to double suplay with Tarantula, but then the Beautiful People come to beat up on them. Someone else then comes to beat up on the Beautiful People. The Taz thinks it's Sarita. Tara gets control over Mickie James and chokes her some, then Mickie James gets control and stabs her in the back with something. Or maybe just taps her with a belt. The brawling spills out into the arena and on the steps leading up to the commentator's table. Meanwhile Tara and Mickie James are still going at it backstage while Sarita and Velvet Sky are at the commentator's table, but now Mickie James and Tara is ending up out into the arena, too.

AMAZINGLY says Tenay, the Knockouts end up fighting IN THE RING. Meanwhile, HERE COMES MISOGYNY as Ric Flair and Captain Murphy and Gunner come to break it all up and such. Tara smacks Flair and he backflips and then gets all like BITCH he gonna beat up on Tara. He makes a fist-like, but he can't because Spike TV is racist. Tara then pushes him, and then he tries to get her, but somehow ends up... backed up into Tara, with Mickie James trying to punch around him at Tara. Finally Flair gets a microphone like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! which is a good question to ask just what Flair is doing falling over these two. He then says if Mickie James slaps him again, he'll make a woman out of here. HAHA RAPE JOKE!

People chant LET THEM FIGHT and Ric Flair stops that shit of course, even as it breaks out again.

Intro video, then backstage The Pope is carting a casket out. NO THIS IS NOT WWE STOP RIPPING IT OFF NAO! After a commercial, we get a video package with Jeff Harvey's Diet Raven shit AGAIN. Then backstage, Ric Flair in Eric Bischoff's office all like it was wild out there, all the kncokouts trying to tear off his clothes, and where PRAY TELL is the Immortal One? He say he's handling some ACQUISITIONS. Ric wonders if its from Honolulu, PRAY TELL?

Ric then WHEELS on Gunner and MurphMurph cos they were laughing, and they SHIT on them hard all like YOU THINK IT WAS FUNNY LAST WEEK when Kurt Angle nearly killed Bischoff and such? Some random guy wanders in asking for Eric and he's like WHO?! He meant MISTER BISCHOFF! He's the HEAD TRAINER, so he wonders if Eric is indeed going to put Jeff And Ken in a match tonight, and Bischoff says DEFINITELY, and head trainer says it's UNETHICAL cos he suffered a concussion as well as his broken arm and such.

THIS ISN'T THE NFL, BROWN GUY! And where were you three weeks ago, says Flair, when he was rolling around in the thumbtacks with Mick Foley and such. Flair then claims NFL ratings are going down and TNA's ratings are going up. IN CANDYLAND!

Bischoff say Ken Anderson is going to wrestle. This guy then says wha tabout DIXIE'S policy of protecting the talent from head trauma?! Not too bright, he is. In the background, His Holy Music hits. YUeah, who gives a shit about the safety of the very guys who keep you in business? They've already shown us they can put on a show without any wrestling and we'd never know the difference.

In the ring now, Pope speaks pimping himself and pimping. Apparently this MUSSTAAA is on the loose. Oh, MONSTER. I misunderestiheard him. He plans on PIMPslappin that monster, BITCH. Pope say that he thinks it's time that they do something about it. How about they all get together and Pope's gonna get the monster Abyss and take his ass and put it in that casket and send it straight to hell, priority mail, lock OH NOESZ ABYSS IS HERE appearing int he audience all hoodied and with a microphone.

Abyss hates him and such. I think. I wasn't paying attention. Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan have instructed him to EXTINGUISH THE FLAME THAT IS THE POPE D'ANGELO DINERO! Mudstomp a nigga, waat paawur. He say the only thing the Pope will need is a minister to administer last rites. He then talks about all the pathetic and IGNORANT SHEEP that comprise his congregation; they are no longer safe! You never know WHEN, you never know WHERE, but ABYSS is coming for ALL of them, to rape they mommas and beat up they bruthas. ONE BY ONE!

And to make good on his promise, he grabs two random people in the crowd, a male and a female. RAPE AHOY! His Holy Darkness SPRINGS TO ACTION bringing the HOLY POWER of his HOLY PENIS to join in--- I mean save them. Mike Tenay says with Bischoff in charge, NOBODY'S SAFE! GREAT MARKETING CAMPAIGN! GREAT WAY TO BRING IN FANS!

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett calls Samoa Joe a fat tub of goo, and everything else he says is overshadowed by the eccentricity of the phrase "fat tub of goo"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: This is gonna be a fucking long recap

Backstage, Matt Morgan sends off a random female from Ric Flair, and somehow thinks that because of Brett Favre, penis cameraphone texting. Matt wonders if Bischoff is REALLY gonna make Ken Anderson wrestle with a concussion? Flair says he gets no special treatment. Yeah, fuck him CHRIS BENOIT CHRIS BENOIT OVER 9000 CONCUSSIONS KILLED HIS FAMILY 80 YEAR OLD BRAIN DEMENTIA BENOIT BENOIT BENOIT BENOIT and Ric Flair tells Morgan off after Morgan lists off his achievements and experiences with being ALL-AMERIECAN and concussions.

Speaking of concussions, it's the Shore, featuring Fistpump.

NONTITLE MATCH... FOR A TITLESHOT AGAINST THE SAME GUY Robbie e vs Jay Lethal

Jay Lethal is NOT AMUSED as he runs in to beat up on him, for this JERSEY SHORE STREETFIGHT, COMING FROM ORLANDO, FLORIDA! Robbie tries to slide out of the ring but Jay suicidedives onto him. Weapons time use as he empties out the contents of a trash can only to use the lid on the bastard, who gets blasted, but is okay because his hair absorbed much of the impact. Jay then suplexes him onto a Dead End side.

The Taz produces a horrifying image with us being able to hear Robbie's skin SPLAT on the steel. SKIN. SPLAT. STEEL. ROBBIE E. I'm sick already. They set up some roadblocks for no reason and Lethal smacks Robbie. THen he drops Robbie's nuts onto the roadblock thing. He then gets on top of him to punch him up, and throws him into the ring. Robbie bops him down and irish whip and shoves him down. Pin gets 2. People boo when Robbie tears Jay's tanktop. He then slaps his back like he a BOOOOYYY bitch. Cookie then passes him a Kendu stick to use but Lethal takes it and uses it on him.

Robbie's head ends up--- no, his ENTIRE UPPER BODY (holy fuck he's short) ends up in a trash can and Jet Lethal smacks it with a stick, then sets him in the middle of the ring, and people chant ONE MORE TIME so he sets the garbage can upright on his head and smacks it again. Then he gets on the turnbuckle and Cookie SPRAYS HIM IN THE EYES BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME! (Dr Weird)

Lethal still manages to roll back into the ring and Robbie does a neckbreaker with fistpumps for a pinwin. And the chance to wrestle him again later on for the championship for real.

WINNAR: This guy:

Woof. No way you're gettin sex with a facial expression like that. Not like us recap readers, right? RIGHT?! AM I NOT MERCIFUL!?!?

He then makes the exact same facial expression when posing in the ring with Cookie.

Backstage, the Beautiful People bicker in their dressing room place thing. Holy fuck I cannot understand anything they say they're bickering so loud. Angelina now alone and OMFG ITS WARRIAAAAAH Angelina's like all turning around like OH MY GAWD REALLY? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? while the camera keeps on the mirror, as though SHE NOT REALLY THERE! Winter Warrior says it's not creepy at all, in her creepy monotonous voice that normal people wouldn't think "creepy" but call "boring" and claims it's the universe and fate that brings them together. Velvet suddenly returns and Angelina's like OMG WHIAFIJHTFIOJWIOTJWIOJIOWTJG and grabs her and spins her around and... it's JOLENE! As in, the fat woman who was sitting behind them to begin with and who Katie Le--- I mean Winter was sitting in her seat before.

WCW, why you do this?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I BET YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED that for the past year or so, after I stopped using "pinfail" I've been using "pin gets 2" for nearfalls, ALL THE TIME, with the EXACT SAME phrasing. ALWAYS "pin gets 2"

Video package with Rob Van Dam getting the SEED OF DOUBT planted in his head and those years of pot abuse finally making him an unhinged paranoid loon.

In the ring all of a sudden, it's THE ECW GUISE... and Brian Kendrick, sitting in a corner highlighting passages from Mick Foley's book. You know that kid in school. Tommy Dreamer is ANGRYPANTS at Rob Van Dam because... he hasn't returned their texts or tweets. Awwwwhurrdurrrrr. Dreamer says they have known each other for FIFTEEN YEARS. OBLIGATORY SHEIK REFERENCE who trained him and Sabu. Rob Van Dam was the one who called Tommy Dreamer like "dude come to TNA it's so laid back it's fun" and such. What happened last week with Sabu was an accident, or as Will Smith once called it "a accident" and if you didn't see anything wrong there, stop reading and go back to school you fucking child molester.

Rob Van Dam claims Jeff Harvey---Hardy had Rob Van Dam dissected like a frog or something. Not sure what he was trying to state. Tommy's like THIS IS WHAT BISCHOFF WANTS!~! What happened with Abyss was all Jeff Hardy, and now Jeff Hardy's a scumbag, to huge cheers. REMEMBER WHAT BISCHOFF TRIED TO DO TO THEIR OLD COMPANY! And now you're working for him, so, you know, all your points are moot, you scab sellout prick.

Raven, meanwhile, is quite heartily amused, and when confronted by RVD he's like "Dude. Dude! Look, you're paranoid. Maybe the weed you advocate, maybe you shouldn't be involved and find another cause" and claims Bischoff is a SUPER GENIUS who has RVD emasculated, castrated, exasperated, constipated, evaporated. Tommy doesn't even realize, RVD says, I'M LOOKIN AT HIM AIN'T I and confronts Raven angrily. That's so unbelievably obvious and on the nose, that RVD is likely right. Or not. Either one would be stupid.

Ric Flair and FOURtune come out, all eight or nine of them, and mock ECW GUISE and say look at what makes the wrestling world go around; not a bunch of wrestlers who wrestle, obviously! Or something. Same thing, I imagine. Apparently at TNA Turning Point, they gonna have a match of FOURTUNE against ECW GUISE, and tonight it's RVD and Raven vs AJ Styles and KAAZ. OH NOESXZ SHENANIGANS CONTRIVED DRAMA! TEH DOUGLASS suddenly starts complaining to Ric Flair. The fuck? YOU ARE NOT MATT MORGAN, IDIOT!

Backstage after commercials, everyone yells at TEH DOUGLAS whos ays there's no use screamin and shou-in' in that English way where they don't pronounce T's and fucking pisses me off so much. Everyone hates him but Ric Flair says he is a major part of Fourtune, somehow. He tells Kaz to put on his custom-made suit and have a good time, because now TEH DOUGLAS WILLIAMS is gonna team with AJ. James Storm is drinking a cold beer and Ric Flair's like why isn't Ric Flair drinking too? A bunch of stuff jabbering, and Flair says HE'S NOT GONNA BE FALLIN FOR ICING AGAIN.

Tara and Madison Rayne and Sarita w/ Contrived Alliance vs The Beautiful People and Mickie James

What... is what I say. This match is supposed to start, whilst Riggs and Murtaugh start breaking them up. Apparently it's supposed to be a tag team match. SILLY TNA, SINCE WHEN DO TAG TEAM width="630"PLE FOLLOW?! Anyway, it starts with Mickie James and... no wait, that's Sarita, I think. Sarita beating on Angelina Love. They fight. Then Tara is tagged in. They fight. So compelling is this match, that Mike Tenay CANNOT WAIT to gets Taz's thoughts on THEY and the forcing Douchefaggot Anderson to wrestle tonight. The Taz says you gotta compete, you gotta compete hurt.

Mickie James gets tagged in now and Tara tags in... fuck. Wait. The person I said was Sarita earlier was actually Madison Rayne. Now Sarita fighting Mickie James. She then irish whips and Mickie James shoves her cunt in Sarita's face for a hurricanrana. Madison now stepping on Mickie James on the bottom rope. She yells at the referee so Tara can step on Mickie James once. Just once. Madison now with her overtly sexual cunt-to-the-back-of-the-head on Mickie James while slamming her knees into the mat to pretend like it's Mickie James's face.

Tara then tagged in to lazily attempt something like a Widow's Peak but just give up and drop her. Angerlina Love gets tagged in and fights on Sarita. The others jump in to shove her down, an dMickie James gets tagged in again to.... "Mick-Thesz Press" off the top. As 12 Ounce Mouse once said; "No. You can't do that."

Mickie James gets irish whipped for a double team move but beats off them. The Taz has a big, humorous laugh at the idea that Lacey von Erich is training Miss Tessmacher how to wrestle. We all are, Taz. A bunch of stuff happens, then Mickie James does some kind of DDT that Taz describes as "Exclamation Point-Like" and Tara Widow's Peaks her. Sarita then does a TAIGA BOMBU on one of the blondes.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne, Tara, Sarita

Backstage, Pope is rather late in trying to avert that rape, when suddenly SCREAMING! Commercials later, he finds them, and sets them free, while Abyss beats up on the black man, but misses a broomshot and gets punched up on. Abyss makes some funny-ass noises as he's being beaten on. They fight in a backstage area and Abyss chokeslams him onto one of those metal grating support column things in the back where they do the interview things.

Abyss then drops Pope into the casket and shuts it. Because why not? But uh oh WHERE'S JANICE!? Abyss has a major freaky freakout as he loses Janice, but has orgasmic relief as he finds her. He then hits the casket with Janice. And this totally wasn't just a contrivance to have the Pope get out of the casket out of camerashot!

Speaking of getting the fuck out, it's THOSE GUYS! THE HARDLY BOYS! JEREMIAH AND MAXIMILLIANUS BUCKTOOTHED BASTARDS! He's mocking Motor City Guns and says it's all about ME! Yeah, ME, and totally not the guy standing right next to him who is his tag team partner and brother. Fuck that guy.

Ink Inc have the BALLS to say Matt and Jeff 1998 called and they want their gear back. Take a good fucking look at how Ink Inc look. Just google image search it or something. Though I am only now brought to the fact that they have Hardy Boys-looking pants.. with detached-bell bottoms sleeves. Ink Inc says they represent the 1% of people who aren't afraid to get tattoos. Or piercings. Or express themselves no matter what anybody thinks including you. They also represent her, him, and Stunt Granny. They represent her.

For some reason, they get an introduction by JB: Motor City Machine Guns. Oh, it's a match? They're defending the titles against all of them!

WCW Tag Team Championship
Motor City Machine Guns (C) vs Ink Inc vs THOSE GUYS

After commercials, we return to JESSE NEAL wrasslin Jeff Hardy or--oh wait, the other guy. They then knock down Chris Sabin and do a double team move to knock Alex Shelley off the ropes. Then back to beating on Jesse Neal. The Taz supports individualism and selfish pursuits! Mike Tenay is not amused. Jeff Hardy Boy beats up on Jesse Neal some more and tags in Matt Hardy Boy. The Taz mocks the Gunnaz for sitting around playing XBox and such.

I just realized now that the Bucktooths have the same first name initials as their hardy Boy counterparts. The blonde one and the black one. Black-haired. African-American-haired. They beat up on Neal some, but then Neal catches one of them in the air to spinebuster him. SPINEBUSTER! The last refuge of a generic brawler-class wrestler. Or Robert Roode. Shannon Moop pin gets 2 on one of the Fucks. He somehow manages to double-Hurricanrana the Hardly Boys. I didn't even see it, but I imagine it was stupid.

Shannon tries to suicide dive on the Hardly Boys outside, but Alex Shelley stops his shit cold, and lets Chris Sabin suicide dive them. Shannon then dropkciks Shelley down, and does a moonsault on a newly arriving Max Fuck who flies into the ring just in time to be caught in it and pin gets 2. A bunch of fast-paced stuff happens with the Motor Gunz and Inkinc teaming against the Hardly Boys, but then Chris Sabin jumps into Jesse Neal's shoulders and they do a... Mooregasm. Pin fails as Jeff Hardly grabs the referee out. Shannon Moore then jumps on him on the outside and Chris Sabin goes to neckbreaker Jesse, with Alex Shelley jumping on him, too.

WINNAR: Motor City Machine Guns

This brings out Team 3D somehow. They say that TNA has the best tag team division in t0NSORTNOSRTSNORT No way any division with tag teams called Generation Me and Ink, Inc are going to be the best in the world. Team 3D is officially retiring, he says. You don't need to know who "he" is, who the fuck do you think is the speaker for Team 3D and keeps the BROTHER down? Brother Ray, that's who. He says Motor City Machine Guns are the tag team champions, therefore by ad-hoc logical fellatious fallac---totally legit and real truth, they are the best tag team in the world.

motor Gunnaz asskiss Team 3D and then shill themselves, and says who wants to see Team 3D and the Motor City Machine Guns one more time? Not I, mister "I Wanted to Be a Robot When I was a Kid".

BACKSTAGE, Eric Bischoff is on the phone. He says Flair says he needs to work on that tan. Matt Morgan appears with CONCERN for the match of Anderson vs Jarrett. Bischoff thinks a one-armed jackass with a concussion against Jeff Jarrett equals ratings. In what universe this is true, I do not want to live there. Morganite asks all hurtfaced like Is ratings all this is about? And Bischoff's like MATTHEWWWW, RATINGS IS WHAT WE'RE ABOUT! Hehehehawhehawhawhaw soi soi soi soi soi

Morgan WHOLEHEARTEDLY gets that, but don't you think to put a guy out in the middle of the ring who has been concussed is just a TAD BIT irresponsible? I saw a picturesque "Batman Returns" reference there that they dropped the ball with.

Skip to 1:00

Hell, that clown even looks like Matt Morgan.

Anyway, Morgan says this is NOT ABOUT TH EMONEY or the RATINGS, it's about their wellbeing or their safety. TAKE HERNANDEZ~! HURRDURR Matt Morgan says it's hypocritical of him to talk about concussion when he gave Hernandez a concussion. STOP SHOOTING, MORGAN! OBVIOUS FACETURN IS OBVIOUS! Eric Bischoff says it's not a safety issue; Eric's here every day and he's safe! HOORAY LOGICAL FALLACIES! TNA! TNA! TNA!

Bischoff then says he doesn't give a shit about Anderson Anderson's safety. HOORAY MY HERO! TNA! TNA! TNA! It's about business, and business needs to be good, and the way business is good is when a one-armed jackass with a concussion gets murdalated with heavy metal by a bland redneck.

Up next, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH RAVEN. I mean, Jeff Hardy.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Audrey Hepburn is incredibly sexy. You'd fuck that ass without hesitation, no doubt.

Backstage, LITTLE BROWN HEAD TRAINER talks to Matt Morgan all CONCERNED and Morgan's like all he's gonna do is TALK to Jeff Jarrett. The Taz gets Morgan's point, BUT that he's gone a little bit TOO FAR HURRDURR and Mike Tenay is AGHAST that The Taz ENDORSES Bischoff's match thing. We get a Turning Point card rundown as it stands. It does not look at all appealing at all.

Speaking of unappealing, ANOTHER DIET RAVEN PROMO from Jeff Hardy. He say he was always in control of his own destiny. He was always above it all. DON'T LET THE MOORE COUNTY COURT HEAR ABOUT THAT! Eric and Hulk made it clear to Harvey that the fans' acceptance didn't bring him fame or money. WWE did. Oh wait. He also calls himself the ANTICHRIST... of professional wrestling. And some dumb bitch on Twitter condemns CM Punk for "preaching" the anti-drug lifestyle. Fuck you, bitch.

AJ Styles and Douglas Williams vs Rob Van Dam and Raven

No, fuck you, bitch. I get a free one every week.

WINNAR: AJ Styles and Douglas Williams

Here's all you need to know: Raven doesn't do shit but get beat up by everyone. Rob Van Dam gets beat up and has no idea that Raven got shitkilled by Ric Flair. CONTRIVED DRAMA! Why am I watching this show?

Up next, CHAIN MATCH Jeff Jarrett vs Mister Anderson. Meanwhile, PROMO for TNA on Family Feud... including Ken Anderson... without an armcast or sling... and a pre-faceturn Morgan sitting amongst faces.... including Mick Foley. Consistency? In MY TNA? I never! Also, Jay Lethal fucked up the boys' team.

Anyway, TIME FOR THE CHAIN MATCH between Jarrett and Anderson, BUT FIRST Matt Morgan comes out. And show's over.

Yup. Show's over. No match. No idea what happened next because TNA IMPACT IS OVER AND TNA REACTION IS NOT TNA IMPACT.

TNA YAY: Today's recap only took 3 hours! Not including the 2 minutes I did right before the RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY AND/OR FEAR on LIVE TV

TNA BOO: That was the greatest night in the history of our sport

TNA WTF: Hulk Hogan and Magic WARRIAH in the mirror. COOL STORY BRO!

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

SEND FEEDBACK TO ANDARIEL HALO 

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).