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Welcome back to the Superstars recap, Great Scott here, still standing in Florida! Do it to it, kick ass!

Obligatory video --- well, not "video" but just zooming out of still pictures, with some of them shaking randomly package of Bound for Glorious, where a bunch of stuff happened and the long-running absolute HATRED of Matthias Morgan and Kurtaceous Angle was resolved by a spirited wrestling match. Also, Dr Sanjay Gupta recommends you get fit before forty.

Okay, so was there no Ultimate X match at the PPV thing? Because they have one advertised for tonight as it's "return". I really need to pay more attention, my wife has been on my case all week.

As Kurt Angle comes out, they give us a completely unnecessary bar showing us his height and weight. Why?

As we can plainly see, Angle is standing out here without a family---because his family went to get their butt-frenzy satisfied by Jeff Jarr--- oh, he means the Main Event Mafia. Angleite says the MEM wasn't about securing spots for the company---well, maybe for some of the members, but not for Kurt Angle no sir nuh uh!

Kurt Angle knew it was about respect, respect for the wrestlers, and respect for The Game, Triple H. Either that, or I just lost the game, and now you have too. It wasn't about money or ego but pride and wanting to be the best. If that's true, they all lost. When Angle first came, he thought TNA was a bunch of young punks looking for handouts, which totally doesn't contradict his promo at the time of why he came. How dare you think of such a thing! Treason of the highest sort!

Angle says he doesn't see that now, that he sees a bunch of young boys who grew up into men. He puts over Eric Young and AJ Styles, and calls that match last week a classic, where AJ basically lost except for a few seconds time limit making AJ not lose, but fail. He says the boys and girls in the back have nothing to prove to Angle anymore, and Rhino arbitrarily comes out.

He's all like "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING KURT" in a horrifying tone of sheer "I can't act"-ism. DOESN'T KURT SEE WHAT IS GOING ON?! The MEM is no more. Somehow. What the fuck?

Wait. What happened?

Rhino says Booker T is gone. So that's it? MEM can't live without Booker? I guess we know now who was behind Kurt Angle and Sting this whole time!

Rhino says TNA wants the old people out, and are behind Hernandez, Matt Morgan, AJ etcetera, as if the old people haven't been burying the fucking shit out of all the younger ones. Rhino asks WHAT ABOUT ME?! and Jerry Lawler goes "Yeah, what about you, Raven?" But then I remember the year and suddenly Rhino's saying they , and Angle's like "Maybe they've earned it" and Rhino's like NO! they haven't earned nothing, which means they earned something.

Rhino complains rightfully that they pushed Rhino aside to get ahold of Bobby Lashley and pushed him aside to be thrown away. And they subsequently lost total interest in Bobby Lashley.

Team 3Dicles appears with security to push on them. Buh Buh is screaming so loud he doesn't need a microphone. He has a bandage over his head, and says Rhino scrambled his brains. HAHAHAAAA... lobotomy. Rhino says he did what he had to do, the Mass Effect "Renegade" mantra, to get their attention.

That's nice, "A Mexican guy is being trained to replace you, so I need to smash your keyboard against your face to get your attention to that fact."

That works. In Candyland.

Several days ago, Buh Buh stood on a stage next to guys BROUGHT INTO TNA to replace him. Considering that most of them were here before him, I have to say he's got a point; he WAS standing next to guys.

Bruther Ray gets a steel chair and swears to God he will smash Rhino's skuwidth="630" VINTAGE COLE! People chant "LET THEM FIGHT!" because Buh Buh apparently never thought to actually make good on his swear and run into the ring. Rhino says go in the back and look at the card because he's not on it. FOURTH WALL! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!

Seeing as Bruther Ray isn't wrestling, Rhino says he should come out when Hernandez is wrestling Rhino tonight later tonight right here in this ring for tonight one night only in this very nightly ring. Security holds Bruther Ray back while Rhino is all smug in the ring. Bruther runs in but gets stopped by Kurt Angle who's all hugging on him to stop a fight. Angle's a face now?

Rhino says the only way TNA is getting him to leave is if they drag his lifeless body out. I sense a "Wrestlemania XIX Revenge Mode" story incoming. TNA iMPACT! 2, make it happen! Rhino's music starts early, so he talks over it for a bit before leaving.

BACKSTAGE NAO with AJ and Osamu Wakatakashiro Danielsan, where AJ's like it's all of us against the competition. lol WWE. The main event at Turning Point is a ripoff of TNA Unbreakable with Samoa Joe vs AJ Styles vs Christopher Daniels, and Lauren actually namedorps it and says fans thought it was the best match in the evar! Daniels is all overdramatic with pulling his sunglasses off and saying he almost DIED in the ring last Sunday. He will answer some questions few people asked in the ring.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: By the logic of Bruther Ray going in the back to read the card, he saw that he was scheduled to go out for that promo thing on the card, where he would be told by Rhino to look at the card because he's not booked in any match. That means he knew that he wouldn't know that he wasn't in a match, but the card had him listed for the promo by which he would soon discover what could have been discovered by tilting his head down and reading the next few pages. It's so obvious now that I don't think about it!

When we come back, it's Lauren with Cheerleader Burqa, who will be wrestling Kong. She says "SILENCE! I KEEL YOU!" or something like that. Kong wants to be on her own? NEVAR! She learned everything from Raeesha, and Saeed is all like Awesome "Kong, you are my puppet. You wrestle tonight? I will destroy you!"

The Taz gets a subtitle thing on screen that says "13 FTW" and Mike Tenay's says "The Professor"

Something's going on in the entrance tunnel! Homicide has randomly attacked Amazing Red. They were schedule to compete anyway, so this is a total stupidity. Homicide throws Red at the steel post after beating on him along the ramp. Homicide tries to slam his shirt or something on him, but Red realizes how stupid that is, dodges away, and kicks him in the gut. Homicide gains control anyway and rolls him inside.

Homicide vs Amazing Red

Homicide tries a bunch of elbow drops but misses all of them, and finally just picks up Red and gives him a Pump Handle Suplexx. DON WEST COMES OUT and he's starting an Amazing Red chant while Homicide beats on him and pushes Red on the ropes. Now picking up Amazingly Red and irish whips him, tries a splash and misses, then catches Red as he tries some failure, and gets dropped hard. Homicide pins with his legs on the rope and the referee catches him. Homicide whines and bitches, then gets rolled up for a PIN FAIL! You lose, Red.

Red whips Homicide into the corner and does a dropkick, then when he pulls away, does a head scissor thing. Then he hits a kick to him, then basically does a TOTAL RIPOFF OF A CANADIAN DESTROYER! The Taz SHITS on Petey Williams (and Trevor Murdoch/Jethro Holiday) by saying he's never seen a move like that in his life. Further shitting on Petey Williams, this Canadian Destroyer knockoff does not win, and Homicide kills a fellow spic with a Gringo Killer for teh wins.

WINNAR: Homizide

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: One of the things which really bugs me and/or pisses me off is how, in order to one-up their predecessors in terms of gratuitous gore, the "Saw" series' traps become less and less a matter of survival, and more and more a matter of "LOOK HOW GROSS THIS IS, RAAARGH!" At what point do the designers think "You know, this trap is fatal, and Jigsaw isn't putting them in traps just to have them die; he wants them to survive", but some of the traps can't just be explained away as "Amanda is a sadist and a murderer who wants them all to die" because they just keep going.

One of the main reasons why "Saw" was so great is that the traps weren't just gorefests, but were actually tests of survival. That IS the point of the first movie's tagline being "How much blood would you shed to STAY ALIVE?", but the filmmakers seem to think people don't care about tests of survival anymore and just want to see overly complicated machines kill people or have them dismember themselves to survive the trap, only to subsequently bleed to death because the entire concept of the trap to begin with was one of TOTAL RETARDATION! Die painfully or die painfully, make your choice.

Backstoge now with Lauren talking with Scott Steiner, saying it sppears MEM is no longer in existence. Scott Steiner's all like "Whaddi mean, main event mafia's no longer in existence?!" and says how he's wearing MEM stuff and came out of a MEM locker room, and as long as Steiner is there, MEM is there. He mentions he has a match tonight against Mike Morgan, but LAUREN corrects him as saying it's Matt Morgan, prompting him to say "Who?" Matt Morgan, but then who the hell is Mike? It doesn't matter because Steiner will beat them both up, and as bad as he beats uip Matt Morgan, he's not going to remember what his name is.

As Morganite comes out, The Taz calls him Mike, too. He gets a sidebar thing with information on his height and weight and finisher. What the fuck is this.

Mike Morgan vs Scott Steiner

Scottle poses in front of Bobby Lashley's wife at ringside, showing off his old man body. But she isn't impressed! OH NO! What is she, gay? Match starts now, with them two standing off like Aryans, and tie up, but Steiner sloppily transitions to Morgan's back and clubs him, then gets him on the ropes and chops him. "HUH?!" by Steiner, "SHUT UP!" by Steiner. Morgna reverses something and clotheslines him. Already he pulls off his elbow pads, and does his lame-ass multi-elbow to the side of the head to him back against the turnbuckle.

Morgan charged at Steiner, then backs away holding his crotch, implying that Steiner bit his penis, or else gave him herpes. Steiner takes control and stomps and punches and kicks. Chopp by Steinur on Morgan, but Morgan reverses an irish whip but Steiner takes control, and delivers a Suplex, and a "HUH?!", then he clotheslines Morgan when heg ets up, then an elbow-dorp-into-a-pin-into-a-pushups. The Taz says Steiner's got fingers like sausages. Morgan somehow gains control and knocks Steiner onto the turnbuckle, then splashes him, then a clothesline on his back.

Now Morgan setting him up for his signature slip-n-slide move where he jumps at them when they're ont he ropes, then slides out of the ring. I will call it "Slip-n-Slide" Steiner attacks him on the outside, then turns towards Crystal Lashley to grab her hands and force them on hsi body. SEXUAL HARASSMENT! JAKE ROBERTS LAUGH! Steiner says "I know you love it! I'm a real man!" Then Bobby Lashley comes JOGGING out, as though he doesn't care, and attacks Steiner. He whips Steiner into the steel turnbuckle. Somehow the idiot referee misses all of this. Of course, the referee is EARL FUCKING HEBNER! Morganite hits a carbonated footprint and winz0rx.

WINNAR: Michael Morganite

Backstage with Awesome Kong, who says "No more orders... NO.. MORE.. ORDERS! Tonight... finish." In order for this to happen, there actually needs to be something to start in order to finish it.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm sadfaced because sexism reigns in Smackdown vs Raw 2010, where womerns can't fight mens. That pretty much breaks the game for me, who makes 90% of my CAWs womerns.

So hey! Story time, misses and misters. I was taking a break from WWE iMPACT! for a few hours, and I was playing Rome Total War with the mod "Europa Barbarorum" attached, and I was playing as Rome (or accurately, Senatus Populusque Romanum) and I was reaching into Asia Minor, where the Seleucids run rampant. And I had a city besieged by them. They had a huge army of professional soldiers. I had 10 ranks of freed slaves, armed literally with clubs, rocks, and shirts, along with three semi-professional Gallic/Galatian soldiers---spearmen, swordsmen, and javelin throwers.

If it were any other Halo, they would have been annihilated brutally! But the Andariel Halo in command turned it to victory, where halfway through the battle, we had 16% casualties, and they had 60% casualties. The battle's end saw literally ONLY ONE of the enemy commanders running on horseback. Their only survivor was their one general---we killed the other.

My computer shut off. Mhm. A day and a half later, I'm on a Windows 7 Premium edition brand new machine with my old harddrive installed as a slave drive, and taking supposedly 1 hour to 4 hours to 9 hours to transfer the data to this new harddrive. Turns out just as I was about to be declared Heroic Hero of all Rome for a Zillion Years, my Motherboard was destroyed. It was either spend an equal amount of money getting a new motherboard, or spend an equal amount of money getting a new computer.

I cried harder than I ever cried before. I was screaming into my pillow, biting on it, gnawing on it, flooding it with mucous and tears, and banging my head into it. I almost brought my Damascus steel hunting knife to my throat to slice it. All because I feared I wouldn't be able to bring you people my totally awesome recaps. I thought I would have to wait a week or so, and I cried even HARDER thinking I would miss NEXT week's recap! See how much I pretend to care about you people? I demand ratings.

Pointless backstage thing sees Laurie try to apologize for Steiner pulling a Jake Roberts on Missus Lashley, but he says only Steiner should apologize or some gay shit. He's black and he sounds like a little preteen boy.

Kevin Nashicles and Samoan Josepfus vs AJ Style and Christopher Daniel

The heels insta attack them at the start and take control, with Joe on Jay and En on Dee. AJ takes control somehow, doing his usual runny dodgy thing with a dropkick end, and Nash and Covell fight on the outside for a bit before Daniels Daniels escapes and gets tagged in. His dropkick on Samoan Joe leads to a pinfail, and further ground n pound attocks of the like. He slams Joe's face on his face, and tags in AJ who punches Joe, then punches him, then irish whips but iut's RVAERDSED by Joseph, who catches a jumping AJ for a slamming him on the knee, then does a senton bomb on him.

NOW COMES BIG IMMOBILE TO HAVE OTHERS BE MOBILE WHILE HE DOES STUFF. He does a side slam, which is an ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVE! 2012, coming this winter 2009. Also, Kevin Nash now has him in a headlock thing and tags in Joe to kick him. There's Nash's first few zeroes on his paycheck. AJ punching on Joe, then runs and gets slammed down on him. Nash comes in to earn the next pack of zeroes, punching on AJ, then falling on him. Then he pulls him up and starts doing his lazy-ass knees to the gut on the turnbuckle thing. He pulls AJ back onto it for some elbows now.

By the way, while I stopped typing, there were some MORE ELBOWS! Then AJ takes control only to get shitblocked by a knee. And that's it. Just a knee to his gut. AJ gets onto the turnbuckle for OH SNAPSZ REVERSAL! Kicks to Nash, then gets on the rope for his Superhero springboard punch. Nash sells it by keeling over lazily. So that's one hell of a sale by he! Now both menx0rz start crawling for hot towels by their others. I mean hot tags. Like a towel of fire! House of fire! AJ tags Daniels, but Nash doesn't, so Joe just gets in any way, because it's that time in a tag match where rules no longer apply.

Nash gets beaten on by Daniels, then Daniels Daniels whips him into Joe, then does a top rope clothesline on both of them, then pinfails Nash. Now punches on Nashicles. He runs, and runs into the worst and laziest clothesline I've seen in a long time. AJ moonsaults from the apron onto a sneaky Joseph, and it was nasty-looking and awesome. Daniels Daniels gets distracted so Nash can chokeslam Christopher and pinfall.

WINNAR: Yosefus of the American Samoan Persuasion and Kevin Nash

Lauren on the bottom of the ramp to congratulate Nash, who doesn't give a shit because Eric Jung followed the rules of a three way match and pinned Nash for teh win of his championshipping belt of metal painted gold.

NOW BACKSTAGE WITH JAY BEE to waste wrestling time to shill TNA MOBILE! FREE TEXT MESSAGING! Eric bursts in to interrupt, and hack on the microphone in his cancer voice. He's all yay, the World L33t has the Leges and TNA Tag championships and now the MEM has nothing! He then misquotes that famous Scott Steiner saying "Veni, Vidi, Vucci" by saying "Vici" at the end, which is totally wrong, you know? I'm a historian; I never lie.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Hot nuns are hot. That is why they are called Hot Nuns.

BACKSTAGE LAUREN HAS THE MURDER CITY MACHINE GUNS talking about clarifying, CLARIFYING, that this is the first time an X match thing has appeared ON iMPACT! Morons earlier didn't clarify. Chris Sabin talks smug and silent and mentions how they're better than Lethal Consequences because even though they won something, the Motor guns pulled dubble duty on that pay per view thing. Robot Shelley has to say--- well, I missed it. I listened to all of it, paused, went off, played, he said "Tonight" and I forgot what else he said.

EARLIER TODAY! The Horrible People ran around backstage, half of them half-dressed. They shove people around, say it's the debut of their reality show Meanest Girls, and proceed to attack Taylor Wilde and Sarita with food. And this food fight is by far a KABAGANILLION times better than that piece of shit on ECW back in 2007 or 2008 when I submitted a Thanksgiving recap of an ECW episode that sucked a dick.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: There's something to be said for being too stupid to tell a detective that your girlfriend who looks 12 years old is actually 19, and end up getting handcuffed and almost arrested before that detective's partner tells them that she's actually 19.

Awesome Kong w/o Any interesting information to give except her finisher vs Raisha Saeed w/ An entrance cut off by a commercial break

It starts with Awesome beating on Cheerleader right away, then getting her into a giant swing. Fun fact; That's my FAVORITE move in WWE Gamecube games---especially in Royal Rumbles or multi-man matches, because those games have COLLISION DETECTION (which SvR never had) that allows you to knock people over. Saeed gains control and kicks on Kong, then gets her foot caught by Kong, then Kong sloppily tosses her arm in what can only generously be considered a punch. A few of these cause her to give up and just shove her. Now she gets on the top rope but Alissa Flash gets up and kicks her, then crawls up top to kick her more, then grab her to do some Fame-asser move.

TOP ROPE FAME-ASSER! Both womurns are daon, and Raisha Saeed fails a pinfall and now stomps on her. RAGHEAD ON SPEARCHUCKER VIOLENCE! Raeesha gets on the top rope for a splasdh which gets Kong to get her knees up and knock her. But Saeed is up again and punching and elbowing on Oresum Kong, and she gets up on Kong for something and Kong almost powerbombs, but she slips out, and Kong just smashes on her with a hip drop. Taz says that's an implant buster, too. Kong then does an implant buster and wins.

WINNAR: The black people

Awesome Kong now going to prove why negroes are called "America's dancingest rape-folk" by grabbing Raesha by the head and tossing her up the ramp, undoubtedly to take her backstage to rape. And people cheer for her. Uh oh, she's too much of a burden, so Kong gives her a powerbomb through some stage stuff on the side of the ramp. OWEN VOICES by the commentators while people chant TNA!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What would you say if I told you drivers who switched from Geico to Allstate saved an average of $x dollars per year? "No way!" Exact commercial right there. I forget the rest, but they convinced me to stay with Geico. I prefer geckos to black people.

During the break, MOAR OWEN VOICES while paramedics and EMTs pulled Cheerleader Melissa out of the WRECKAGE! Speaking of career wreckage, here comes Rhi "That's The War Machine Rhino to you, bitch" No!

Rhino vs Hernandez w/ Shitty music

Team 3Dicles are at commentary. Or rather, the white man is on commentary, while the black man is kept in the back! Racism! Also, Bruther Ray has a white bandage around his head that makes him look funny. They say JESSE FAIL is progressing great at the TEAM 3D academy. Rhino attacks Hernandez and tries to slam him on the turnbuckle but misses, and he whips Rhino into the turnbuckle but Hernandez catches him,a nd starts elbowing, then throws him over the top rope. Bouncing on the ring, Hernandez then jumps out of the ring onto Rhino and poses. Poses like a Mexican!

Rhino rolled inside and now Hernandez climbs in only to get crotched on the second rope by Rhino. Now stomps. Now holding the boot against Hernando's chest. Now pressing his forearm against his head. All Bruther Ray has to talk about is his own team's championships. Rhino now with a chinlock on Hernandez, but since he's not Randy Orton, Hernandez stands up and gets free, but Rhino still in control and scoop slams him.

Rhino gets on the top rope, and jumps for a splish but misses as Hernandez rolls away. Cut to Buh Buh being fat, and back with both men up and about to throw punches at one another. HOW WILL THIS END?! Hernandez wins, then clotheslines Rhino a bunch, then irish whips and splashes Rhino weakly against the turnbuckle, then does a pushy slam thing like a chokeslam without the choke. Rhino now whipped again, and spears Hernandez in the corner. Hernandez kicks him in the gut, then flips back up onto the turnbuckle.

RHINO takes control for a suplerspleszx but misses and Hernandez hits a top rope splash and wins. lolwut?

WINNAR: Hernandez, shitty non-finisher endings

Rhino attacks Hernandez after the match, and gives a belly to belly suplex. Then he about to does a Gore, but Hernandez just shoves him away, then punches him, takes off his shirt, and goes to do a Bordar Toss, but OH NOESZ! Team 3Dicles run in to stop him. Devon says stuff that can't be heard, and Rhino slides away. More talking, and Buh Buh saying things like "You got a future ahead of you" and people show how much they care about Team 3D's wrestling abilities by chanting "WE WANT TABLES!" They just all pose lamely and Hernandez leaves.

BACKSTAGE with Jay Bee and Kirt Angle. He's all weak and lame saying the young guys are awesome and such, and Jay Bee wants to know what Rhino has to say. Kurt calmly thinks it's Rhino's lack of confidence, then asks if TNA is better off without Kurt Angle. He ignores the obvious yes answer, and all of a suddden he's introduced by someone "currently known" as Desmond Wolfe. No fucking idea who this is, but Wrestlezone tells me it's ROH's NIGEL MCGUINNESS! OH MY GOD ROH BLAH BLAH NOYJILL MAGINNUSS! Wrestlezone also told me the likely bullshit story that he and Vince Russo looked online for some of the most common British names, and they came up with Desmond Wolfe. Despond Fucking Wolfe. That's how I know that story's a lie.

Speaking of lies, here comes Desmond to take off his sunglasses like a serial killer, then turn around and attack Kurt Angle. He makes funny sounds as he attacks, like he's a little kid play-fighting with his little brother.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Fourth Kind makers, there's nothing scary about someone opening their mouth as wide as they can in front of a camera. Or rather, there's nothing SCARIER, only by "scary" I mean "ugly"

Lethal Consequences w/ Bottom bar information only saying they're FORMER TNA Tag team championships vs Motor City Machine Guns w/ Exact same notification of past failures with IWGP Tag team

Yes, I do intend to have those contestant things be needlessly long just to be an asshole. Speaking of assholery, all four of them try to climb up the Ultimate X cables but Robot Sabin pulls them off. Lethal people irish whip the murder people, but they swing their partners round n round, then the other guys run away, but the Murder guns win and get both of them on turnbuckles, then irishw hip Lethal and do double team shenanigans. They throw Victor Creed out, then run back to do a double thingy, but Shelley bounces off and runs to the cable, while Sabin lands on the apron, then kicks a nigga in the face.

Victor Creed gets in and pulls down Shellu, then Lethal in, whipos Creed into Shelley, then dropkicks Shelley, then Creed bounces in to springboard bulldog him. Now Creed climbing up thing while Sabin does as well and Lethal pulls him down for some punches, then irish whips but gets reversed into SHelley and Poetry in Motion as Sabin jumps off Shelley and knocks Lethal out of the ring. They then pull Creed off the ropes and sandwich him with boots and such. Shelley holds Creed, and Sabin intends something, but gets crotched as Creed forces Shellu into them. Lethal gets in an dtiltawhirlbackbreakers, then Creed Russian Leg Sweeps, then Lethal holds him and Creed hangtime dropkicks.

Creed turns to Sabin to beat on him, while Lethal throws Shelley into the corner. Fighting on the turnbuckle and Jayton Lethal climbs up the tower thing, then up to the cables, while Sabin walks along the rope with Shelley holding his hand to support him, and he grabs Lethal, but Creed grabs Sabin, so Shelley kicks him, then gets up on the turnbuckle behind him, and Lethal breaks free and crawls towards the X while Sabin jumps after him, and Creed and Shelley fight off on the apron, and Creed misses an out of ring dive.

Now Motor guns beating on Lethal in the ring. Action happening a lot faster than I can type. They whip Shelley into Lethal but Lethal boots him, then boots the other, then Creed springboard dorpkicks Sabin, then Shelley kicks him in the face, tries for something, but Lethal gets a Dragon Suplex on him, then runs at Sabin, but gets caught in an ENZUIGIRI! Springboard Tornado DDT by Sabin on him which was toight as hell, and Creed just cltohesline his ass. Shelley fighjts, but Crred kicks him. Lethal now gets him for an awesome double team move that involves flipping him up, then both men grabbing and slamming him face first.

Sabin now to be double teamed, but he fights them off, almost gets Lethal, but now put in a Boston Crab, while Victor Creed goes for the X, but Robot Shelley stops him! Robot Shelley pulls Creed into a powerbomb position, and Sabin springboiard clotheslines. Sabin now climbinbg atop the ropes and going for the X! Lethal rushes in and grabs Sabin, pulls him off, then does his nifty Lethal Combination, and Shelley gets up but Lethal pries him off, and beats him on the turnbuckle but Sabin comes but gets beaten off. Hahahaaa... beaten off. But Sabin won't quit him /Brokeback Mountain. Sabin puts Lethal in a powerbomb position, then Shelley does a HIGH AS FUCK Sliced Bread doubleteam thing which looked great.

Alex Shelley's knee is in trouble, but Chris Sabin climbs for the X, and now Victor Creed on the top rope, and jumps to the ropes, but Sabin falls off with the X in hand. Sadface for the black people.

WINNAR: The Motor City Machine Guns

I gief this match 14 out of 18.2 stars.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Remember Kizarny? I still do, surprisingly. But only for that promo he did. I still don't know what he said after "Wizelcome Tizu, thizuh, kizarnival!"

BACKSTOGE with the British people and the Roman gladiator who either betrayed Roma, or is Romano-British, and thus a fag who will later be pushed between Saxons and Normans in a mighty war. Speaking of might, here is the might of Brutus Magnus's mighty suck, as he promo's it up with a suck about saying all Americans care about is alcohol and money, and will make Beer Money sober and poor. He then rips off Storm's catchphrase and makes it gay as figgy pudding.

BACKSTIGE again with the American males. Robert Roodey lists off the people they killed, and tonight on iMPACT it's only them and the Britons TONIGHT, NOWHERE TO RUN OR HIDE OR BIG ROID TERRY TO PROTECT THE BACKSIDES OF BRITANNIA. Sober? James Storm wonders if they said sober and poor. THIS MAN he says of Roode, hasn't been born, and Storm hasn't been sober since the time he left Magnus's momma's house the night he was conceived. He says "Sorry about your bloody luck?" Well Storm recommends you take your tampon out. Haha, bloody tampons. Sorry about yo dayum luck, he concludes. That essay gets a B-

Alcohol Currency vs The Offensive of the United Kingdom

There was a commercial but I skipped it. Match starts with TEH DOUG and Robert Roode. They fight. Roode clotheslines, then punches, then clotheslines again, then whips TEH DOUG who reverses, but Roode slips out and clotheslines again, then pinfails, but Brutal Mange tries to break it up but ends up hitting TEH DOUG. Roode stomps on Brutal, but TEH DOUG does a snap gutwrench suplex and throws ROODE into a turnbuckle so Brutus Mangey can beat on him and be tagged in. Irish whip on Roode, nifty bounce on his gut by Brutal, but Roode falls on his face before he can reach Magnus.

By the way, this is a Six Sides of Steel Cage Match. Fuck you, too. TEH DOUG somehow ends up tagged in and pinfails Roode. Now picking him up and whips him to the turnbuckle but Roode boots him, then elbows Mange, then kicks at TEH DOUG, then slips between his legs to tag Stoarm, but TEH DOUG catches hi, then Brutus Magnum attacks Storm. TEH DOUG beats on Roode, then tags in Brutus. The Taz calls the company TNE. Brutal goes for a camel clutch thing on Robert Roode. I don't think I can tell anymore.

Magnus tries to pick him up buit Roode hits his gut, then gets clipped before he can run away. I wonder if Storm is injured. Roode high angle spinebusteres BNrutal, then both men fall down like so much Velveeta. TEH DOUG gets tagged in, and tries to drag Roode, then jumps and tags James Swift, who starts smacking down people like a domicile that has caught fire. Back Body Dorp on TEH DOUG, then reverses a move by Brutus, and backcrackapplejacks him, then attacks TEH DOUG and pinfails, as Pope Magnus reverses. But Robert Roode knocks Magnus into the steel cage door, then they double suplex him into the steel, then pull him back and do it on the mat.

Big Beer chant which misfires for Storm, as everyone shouts Beer, then Storm wakes up, and does it to absolutely no one doing it with him. THen the British people attack after Roode finishes his part. TEH DOUG on the turnbuckle, but Brutal beat off Roode and pulls Storm away. Somehow, oen of the British ended up on top of the cage, and now James Swift goes to suplex him, but Brutis tries to powerbomb him, so Roode slips under him, and powerbombs all three of them down. TEH DOUG flies off of Storm and hits the ground separately.

Double team move thing DWI but Brutal Mange decks the ref, and Bear Munny is all like "OH NOESZ!" and a bunch of referees come in to do everything but refereeing, and EARL FUCKING HEBNER gets in Mangus's face and disqualifies the English People, but ROBERT ROODE IS NOT PLEASED and yells at him. Oh, and the match was apparently for the TNA Tag Teram Championships, and they don't change hands by DQ anymore.

WINNARS + STILL CHUMPIONSHIPS: The English Invasion People

Despite the show being almost over, Kurt Angle is coming down to the ring.

Commercials gone, then AJ is backstage at night going to his van, and Laurie talks to the camera while AJ opens his trunk, shouting not to worry, when all of a sudden WILD TYSON TOMKO attack from behind. But SHHH we're not supposed to know who it is. Wait, forget I said that. WILD RANDOM PERSON ATTACK! Next Week, Daffy and Doctor will face Chris Parks.

Speaking of faces, here comes Kurk Angle to talk on the microphone as he comes out and calls out Desmond Tutu, while the TNA crew is only 2/3rds done with prying off the cage walls. Angle waits a bit, then says time's up, and goes to find him backstage, when ALL OF A SUDDEN WILD NIGEL MCGUINNESS ATTACK from behind. Bishop Desmond Wolfe properly folds his jacket up, then goes after Angle, but Angle european uppercuts and beats him up around the announcers' table, then rolls him into the ring.

Angle gets his nuts kicked by the Bishop nobody, and everyone's all like "YOU ARE THE HEEL! BOO!" and he looks at the camera all ugly-british-teeth looking, then pulls Angle up onto the turnbuckle, and does a Diamond Cutter-type thing. Someone has a sign with a typo that says "Total Nonstop AndarielHalo", but it mispells my name to look like "Angle". Silly mistake.

Speaking of silly mistakes, here comes Desmond Wolfe! He gets a steel chair and holds it against Angle's OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE while Desmond gets on the microphone and says IT WOULD BE THIS AEASAY TO BREAK YOH NECK! And by the way, his name is Wolfe, Desmond Wolfe. Duh-nuh DUH-NUUUUH Duh Nuh Nuuhhhhhhhhh!!! Duh-nuh-nuhhhh duhh-nuhh-nuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

That's supposed to be the theme to James Bond movies.

I started the recap on Friday
then the computer blew away
And so I got a new one today
and recapped the rest Sunday
And it was a load of lazy shit
For the first half, but then the second half hit
and it was big fun, and I had a blast
And rather than checking the time, it all went by fast

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and I almost had to say this week: consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).