So what better way to carry on a than with a headache and the constant taste of snot in your mouth every time you swallow? Not quite drunk, but then we can't all be Sean Carless. Intro video surrounds the THEY-ness, or HOGAN'S HEROES! Only this time not at all compelling, because the heroes are now the nazis. Not because they're like Nazis in any way, just that they're in control, you know. Oh fuck you, too.
Tonight's stupid fucking title is something probably stolen from one of my of my stupid stupid recap slurs, "ROB VAN DAMNED!!!!!!" complete with all those exclamation points. Speaking of stupid stupid and exclamation points, it's Anderson Anderson out here with a broken arm or whatever. He have to say, JEFFRO he be begging him to take his little testicles out of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff's purse, sac them up, put his mascara on, his panties on his arm, and gets his ass to the ring. And you know he's serious because he says "right FRICKIN now!~!" HURRDURR!
Rob Van Dam comes out instead. He's all like "You want Jeff Hardy? What's wrong, faggot?" Not exact words, but close, and tells him he feels screwed out of the title just like Rob Van Dam never lost it and such?
Out of buttfuck nowhere, we get a "TOTALLY NOT RIPPING OFF RAVEN" video thing with Jefrf Harvey talking about forgiveness, and says he done both of them wrong. What accent is he trying to pull off and why making him sound so weirdybeardy fagwad?
Speaking of fag, here be Eric Bischoff! He wants us to keep watching after iMPACT to TNA REaction, so that we can understand the THEY storyline. Because it really would take 45 minutes (without commercials) just to make sense of it. Eric Bischoff wnats Anderson to forgive him for fucking him over and such. So he gives him a match against KAAZ tonight in an X Division match, ebcause that's totally like a HOLY SHIT SPECIAL DOOD kind of match and totally not the whole basis and foundation for TNA trying to be original and not like WWE2 at all. What sort of lunacy is that? I must be drunk again.
So he says Anderson doesn't even have to win, just survive for five minutes or so and then win a titleshot. He also wants Rob Van Dam to forgive him. SO MUCH FORGIVENESS GOING AROUND IT'S BIBLICAL~!!! He then puts Rob Van Dam and Sabu against Beer Money. This pisses off Rob Van Dam because he totally
Anyway, entrance video with the music is ALSO all about THEY, featuring only THEY people and THEY events. Yah, TNA wrestling? A roster full of guys not a part of THEY? What the fuck is that shit?
UP NEXT Cookie and Robbie V. (RVD'S WCW NAME~!) are walking out of either a liquor store or a bowling alley, and yelling at the cameraguy following them.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If your movie trailer needs a Don LaFontaine-esque voice-over guy, your movie probably sucks.
Backstage, Rob Van Dam bursts into the old men locker room to yell at the ECW Guise, all like YOU BEEN TALKIN TO ERIC BISCHOFF HUH? Because apparently Bischoff mentioned people want to join HOGAN'S HEROES thus PLANTING THE SEED OF DOUBT! I would have mentioned this earlier, but it was given ZERO emphasis amidst Bischoff's shit-dribbling. Raven tells Rob to go smoke another bowl and he SHOVES him into a locker all beating on him ooooo!!!
Now, video package for THE SHORE, or, how TNA COMPLETELY fails to comprehend the concept of PARODY/SATIRE by OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGING that these two fucks are PRETENDING TO BE JERSEY SHORE stuff. Japanese World Women Of Wrestling could definitely see herself coming back to TNA to steal another 15 grand out of the hands of another Jay Lethal and Samoa Joe and Eric Young. Fun fact; those are the ONLY TNA superstars employed that I can think of that aren't a part of THEY or are best known as ex-WWE or ex-WCW guys.
Now we get a video package of a "TMZ" cameraguy following them asking stupid questions and wondering if Robbie will leave Cookie for one of the REAL Jersey Shore girls. What is this whole gimmick, I don't even.
The Amazing Red vs Robbie
Who fistpumps like that, and why don't they get their crotch backhanded for it? So in this match between a powerfully flippy-dippy ROH alumnus who has been painfully buried by TNA and a guy with a parody gimmick so blatant they've spelled it out loud and killed the joke on the FIRST DAY, naturally the first thing the commentators talk about is THEY! And how this is the first iMPACT WITHOUT Dixie Carter in the new regime of THEY!
So while I'm saying FUCK THIS MATCH, The Taz... just completely kills the THEY storyline. STOP SHOOTING, TAZ~!!. He completely destroys it. Whether it was scripted or whether he's just keeping up his character banter, he makes SO MUCH SENSE that he utterly destroys the entire They concept:
Mike Tenay: We all trusted Dixie... and then the new regime, Hulk Hogan and Bischoff, unless you know you're aligned with Immortal, how can you trust them?
Taz: Well, I'm all about change, so I trust them. Let's see what happens.
Mike Tenay: So any way the wind blows, huh?
Taz: Nuh nuh, I'm just sayin', I trust them... they didn't do anything to me NOT to trust them. They do somethin to you? Okay, well that's my point
Congratulations, Mister Taz. You're an American hero.
Yeah, fuck that match anyway. Blatant squash, plus the commentators spoke about NOTHING but THEY! So I did, too!
So they get microphones and he says LETHAL BRO LOOK WHAT I DID TO YOUR HOMEBOY RED! I'M GONNA DO THAT TO YOU, DUDE, AND I'M GONNA BLING OUT THE X DIVISION TITLE! And TONS of peopel chant 'BOOORING' and such. Also, when did Red lose the X title to Jay Lethal again? And why does Cookie have pidgeon feathers in her hair? Her weave literally that cheap? EARLIAR THIS WEEK the Pope was in Harlem, watching a stripper dance for him in a leather dress. He then has bidness with the camera. There's Pope, and there's THEY, and how funny it was that he had to deal with FOURTUNE, gang warfare, and Pope intends to fight this fight even if he has to do it himself. He gonna start with the guy at the top... AJ Styles. Yeah, wut? So he's calling him out. Him and Pope, let's get it on <3 oh wait, he meant fight. Let's fight, he says.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The single best thing about "Twilight" is how it advocates an abusive relationship for girls, and they don't even know it. Yeah, Bella, it's totally YOUR fault that you got your ass beat by that vampire guy and now I have to leave you because you're too enticing to vampires. Way to go, idiot.
Speaking of the dregs of society, MICK FOLEY'S BOOK SIGNING! No, not Mick Foley, but this guy who's getting his book signed for JACK...his baby. It's his first signed book. Of course Mick has to bring TNA into it because no one gives a shit and he has to be all like "What date is it? See I don't know anymore I just add the days since Bound for Glory 101010" and such.
And speaking of dregs of society buried underground, guess who's at the book signing but BRIAN KENDRICK! Polite applause. He then says on page 98, it says stuff about a picture of dogs, and Kendrick asks if this was meant to best be like the poets of the heavens like John Lennon, Bob Dylan, etcetera, and if that's what Mick Foley meant. Big laughter from audience, and Foley says he'd rather not describe his own view as it can be interpreted in so many ways.
Later on, Foley talks with Kendrick saying he can greatly appreciate Brian Kendrick interpreting the layers. HE MAKES IT OUT TO SPANKY HURRDURR!
Backstage today now, Beer Money mocks Rob Van Dam and Sabu with the other guys and such, and James Storm calls him STD and Sabu and they are the greatest, they are the best, and KAAZ tries to make some weak-ass joke about a one-legged man can't win an asskicking contest and a one-armed asshole can't bluh bluh dee bluh or such. AJ Styles meanwhile says he accepts Pope's challenge and he's gonna put his Television title on the line. Speaking of which, he lost the belt, so Flair gets it and AAAAAAAAAAAAA BOOYAAAA!! HE GOT ICED!
Original vid got taken down. I won't stop until they stop.
Eric BIschoff then comes to say THEY'RE A REGIME OF FAIRNESS so they gonna make the match against Pope TRULY SRSLY and make it so AJ can lose the belt if they interfere.
Backstage somewhere, MISS TESSMACHER begs the Horrible People to teach her how to wrestle. They yell and scream at her and mock her and throw her out. They then mock Lacey for thinking they deserve a second chance. SUDDEN HEEL TURN?
Speaking of sudden, some random freak appears behind Angelina staring in the mirror called Winter. She delivers lines like an average SyFy channel actress, and Angelina's like hi and shaking her hand and then the camera pans away and Velvet reappears and Winter disappears.
Now, now, now, TNA... THIS DID NOT WORK THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IT WAS DONE WITH WARRIOR APPEARING IN THE MIRROR FOR ONLY HULK HOGAN TO SEE AND THE ENTIRE FUCKING VIEWING AUDIENCE, WHY THE FUCK WOULD IT WORK THIS TIME AROUND?!
Also, apparently without it being mentioned at all, that Pope vs AJ Styles match is NOW!
TNA TV Television Championship
Pope D'Angelo Dinero vs AJ Styles (C)
HURDURDUR FAIL cos Pope gets no money drop thing. Also, apparently Pope was ina 5 on 1 match last week against FOURTUNE. Did I miss that? I think so. How can I remember a WRESTLING match on a WRESTLING show as awesome as last week's? Pope stupidly goes after AJ on top of the ramp, but WHO'S REALLY STUPID as AJ is wearing BLUE JEANS in this STREET FIGHT~! He fights with the Pope on top of the ramp, and Pope ppunches him so AJ can go stuttering down the ramp, and try to swing the championship belt at him but AJ bops him back. Earl Hebner grabs the fallen belt... just to put it right back down on the ramp. lulzwurt?
Pope gets AJ to catapult him into the ringpost outside the ring. He then bops his head on the apron, and punches AJ powerfully. Then he unwraps one of his taped wrists to choke AJ with the tape. Then he stops it, because this totally isn't a no disqualification street fi HAY WAIT A MINUTE~~!~!!!!!
They end up back in the ring and AJ bops Pope in the balls to keep him from punching on his red neck some more. Now he stomps on the BOY some, and picks him up to punch him against the turnbuckle. More strikes from one turnbuckle to the other, then he snapmares Pope off, and grabs his face for... I'd call it a submission move, but it's pretty much just him grabbing Pope's cheek and tugging it. Pope back up to the vertical base, named for Base Vertical in 1859, who first established a military base that was accidentally placed sideways, 10 stories tall instead of wide. More punching and stuff and Pope pins gets 2.
Pope ends up outside the ring so AJ can jump on him, but Pope moves away and as AJ gets up, Pope clotheslines him down. Back in the ring now, Pope is pimping, as AJ corners to the turnbuckle and... Abyss blops Pope from behind. HEATHEN BLASPHEMIES~! The Taz is the voice of logic here by saying Abyss is not part of FOURTUNE! Mike Tenay clearly did not understand this, because he's stupid. Abyss then hits the Pope with the Black.... African-American Hole Slam, and AJ pinwins, with Earl doing it slowly cos he's all staring at AJ not amused.
WINNAR: AJ Styles
Eric Bischoff and FOURTUNE appear at the top ramp. Eric glares glumly at AJ, then suddenly smirks and goes thumbs-up. GENIUS ACTING Taz says, like DENIRO AND PACINO ACTING!
Video thing of Sarita training for her match against Mickie James, which is sure to be a blatant squash no matter what Sarita says. Meanwhile, after some commercials, Pope D'Angelo Dinero is backstage not amused and such. He then bumps into Samoa Joe all like "You sat back here, an, did you enjoy everything you saw? I donno about you but this is the second time in two weeks Pope has gotten screwed" and Joe's like "First of all check your tone when talking to me or you get your second beatdown, and second of all I donno why you're talking to me"
Dinero's like I got your back, you got a brother's back, and Joe says he got no one's back. Pope's like Everybody needs somebody sometimes. Elsewhere, Bischoff talks on the phone with someone and says Flair is not just the dirtiest player in the game but the SMRTEST player int he gamew~! Speaking of the game, I just lost the Game.
Now video packge for Team 3D's inevitable retirement and announcement set to superfag acoustic guitar music. Buh Buh Ray gives a story that says that when Alexander the Great stepped out of his "castle" he cried because there was no more land left to conquer. Me being the super historian, I won't even comment except to say that never happened, it's bullshit, and it's only basis is a later writer saying that someone would probably say that of Alexander IF he conquered the whole world but he didn't so fuck you all.
Oh yeah, and he say they gonna retire as 24-time tag team champoions or the Motor City Machien Guns can say they retired Team 3D.
Backstage somewhere, Motor Guns are throwing a football around and Velvet Sky is talking with Chris Sabin, and the cameraguy is annoying the piss out of him asking about Team 3D. Suddenly, MINIHARDY BOYS ATTACK and throw the football at Sabin's back hard, and they get up ion they faces and such, and eventually they beat down the MINIHARDY BOYS and one of them lays on the floor like a fagboy all like "You touched my hair! AAAAAH!"
LAST WEEK on ReAction, Jeff Jarrett talking about his role in THEY and such. Meanwhile, THIS SHOW IS TOO LONG! Last week's show was awesome. Meanwhile, THIS WWEK JEFF JARRETT HAS REGRETS AND SAYS THIS WHOLE THING HAS SPUN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL OH NO! He say he takes full responsibility and he's gonna apologize to Kurt. Oh wait, it's about the Kurt Angle thing, not THEY. Well fuck that and fuck you too!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The only reason I haven't been watching "Caprica" is because when I finished season 1 of Battlestar Galactica, I was traumatized. So much so I could not sleep, and I broke down and went online and spoiled the whole rest of the series for myself. I can't handle that again!
Jeff Jarrett comes out. Speaking of Kurt Angle's serious neck injury, my neck kind of aches a bit, so now I know how Kurt Angle felt when he broke his freakin neck. Someone has a sign that says "JEFF BOUGHT IN" and people chant Jarrett sold out. He done come out here tonight to publicly apologize for what he did to Kurt last week. HAWHAW IN RESPONSE TO MARK MADDEN'S COLUMN ON WRESTLEZONE?! No YOU suck, audience! Fuck you!
People chant "KING OF NOTHING" and it takes me a long time to figure this out Jarrett says he wants to say Angle how he deeply regrets... NOT KICKIN THA HELL OUTTA YOU MORE THAN HE DID. SWERVE OMFG~!!! FAP FAP FAP! He say the KEENG is own top of tha maontan again, and Kurt is GOWN GOWN from TNA! He say he MADE Kurt, and he BROKE him. Broke his FREAKIN Kurt. He says he's stripped Kurt of everything. His dignity, his pride, his honor, AND HIS PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PRECIOUS CAREER. Aw, I thought he was gonna say his wife. TO interrupt, it comes SAMOA JOE!
Samoa Joe comes out all pissed looking, and NWA GUISE ambush him, and Jarrett exits the ring so he can pound on Joe and the NWA SECURITY GUISE can handcuff Josephus of Samoas. Joe manages to get his handcuffed hands around Jarrett's neck and strangling him, but the NWA GUISE attack him anywayh. I think it's time to name them, as I've heard their names enough dozens of times to put it together coherently as Gunner and Murphy. GUNNA AN MURPHMURPH. Captain Murphy.
Jeff Jarrett tosses Kurt Angle over the back side of the ramp, and Mike Tenay gets up to yell at Jarrett all like WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU! and such, and all like NOW WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU'VE TURNED YOUR BACK ON US! and such. Jarrett turns away all shame-y, but then goes to look at Joe and smirks evilly like LOOKS LIKE JOE NEEDS A LITTLE HELP DUDDN'T HE, GUISE?
TNA video package that feels like an exact replica of the WWE equivalent. Originality? In -MY- TNA?
Holy fucking shit, as I check the video, we're only like 2/3rds of the way through this truly.. truly... epic episode of TNA iMPACT! It's been like 4 hours since I actually started this recap, though. And I only paused it once for 20 minutes or so to take a shower.
Beer Money vs Rob Van Dam and Sabu
Storm and Dam start and roll around each other's back with grapples and such, then Rob Van counters an attempted monkey toss thing and throws him into the corner to monkey flip him. Sabu then tagged in for Poetry in Motion, then he irish whips Storm into Rob Van Dam's spinkick. Pin gets 2. Sabu then attacks on Roode as he's tagged in, and Mike Tenay and The Taz talk about Bischoff's sleaziness in WCW. STOP SHOOTING TENAY!~! INEVITABLE TAZ HEEL TURN IN THE WORKS? SWURRRVE~!
Meanwhile, Sabu irish whips Roode but gets countered and frontally bumped by Roode's big front. He picks up Sabu and bops him in the turnbuckle for James Storm to be tagged in and lean against the ropes. Storm slaps him some and then tags in Roode and they double irish whip and do some kind of double team move where James Storm is not involved at all. Roode hops onto Sabu with a knee drop, then pin gets 2.
Roode then grabs Sabu's face and tries to pull on his forehead. Tag in by Storm and he picks up on Sabu and pushes him into the turnbuckle to grab his face. Irish whip Sabu and he boots Storm in the face, then springboard Tornado DDTs him. Rob Van Dam gets tagged in and beats up on everyone. He then backdrops Sabu onto Roode, and moonsaults on Roode after him. He then sets up Roode for Sabu to springboard drop on from the outside while he Rolling Thunders at roughly the same interval. Storm breaks up a pin gets 2. Sabu attacks him to the outside and in the ring Roode spinebusters Rob Van Dam and pin gets 2.
Roode then gets in with Storm and tries a DWI but Rob Van beats Storm away. Storm drinks some beer, and spews it in Roode's face accidnetally and Rob Van Dam tries to pin gets 2. Sabu gets a steel chair, and referee's like WHATRRE YOU DOING WITH THAT and Sabu chucks it in Rob Van Dam's face all like OOPS and Beer Money pinwins... despite the fact that it should have been disqualification against Rob Van Dam, but who gies a shit when it's accidentally one guy on another of the same team? Who gives a shit when it's someone else, either?
WINNAR: Beer Money
OH NOESDZ~! CONTRIVED INTRIGUE~! ROB VAN SHOVES AT SABU AND THEY FACE OFF ALL ANGRYLIKE AND SUCH, this brings the ECW GUISE in to try to break it up.
Meanwhile, selling the filthy trailer trash with the Arby's pussy gimmick, it's Mickie James in a redneck place EARLIER THIS WEEK riding on a plastic bull with a bad southern accent. Like, not even a native Virginian accent, but some kind of attempt to be something or other. HAHA PUNS she's riding on a bull and says she's a real champion and that's no bull. I hate her already.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Chavo Guerrero is playing the eagle thing of Jack Swagger's. IRONY: IT'S NOT JUST HOW IRON TASTES!
Backstage, Kaz with Ric Flair talking with Eric Bischoff and such. They happy about their thing with beating up on Anderson Anderson who has a broken arm.
Sarita vs Mickie James
No, fuck you, buddy.
WINNAR: Mickie James
I didn't even need to watch the match to figure that shit out. I want to see someone big debut with a company and LOSE their debut match. I want to see someone like Jack Swagger or The Miz, like an upper-middle class guy who debuts in TNA and LOSES their fucking debut match! THAT WOULD BE WRESTLING TNA TNA TNA TNA!
Oh yeah, and after the match, Tara appears and beats up on Mickie James from behind. Why? I don't know. I can only guess, and none of my guesses would be coherent. WHICH IS JUST FINE AND DANDY FOR TNA~!!
Backstage, Anderson Anderson is okay with Jeff Harvey beating him up and breaking his shoulder or something. He says he broke his shoulder and his leg, yet his arm is in a sling thing and such. What? He then says three things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that he's gonna whup Jeff Hardy's ass. I think he got that saying a bit off.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Sometimes tits
Speaking of tits, Mickie James is going to go complain to Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, while her shirt is wide open and tits showing. Speaking of boobs, Anderson is ambushed by FOURTUNE before his match and beaten up upon and they carry him up the entrane ramp. They then stomp on him a bunch and such. Stompity stompity stomp. They then leave, but not before AJ runs back to kick Anderson Anderson's shoulder. Now the FOURTUNE music plays and KAz comes out. Anderson's partner, Taz says, only to be corrected. Kaz is SHOCKED! SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that Anderson ANderson is beaten up. He steps past him going down to the ring all like WUT HAPPENED!
Ultimate X Match
Kaz vs Ken Anderson
Anderson starts crawling down the ramp as KAZ slowly gets up the turnbuckle, checking out his arm and such, then goes for the X, while Anderson gets up, and into the ring, just in time to drag Kaz down. And now he's clotheslining and elbow hitting and elbow dropping KAZ. DUHHH HOW IS HE GONNA CLIMB they ask, and Kaz baseball slides his face. So obviously a perfect time for COMMERCIALS~!
Commercials later, Kaz is on the turnbuckle again and Anderson struggling to get him off only to get stomped down, where he forgets to sell his shoulde rinjury by grabbing the bottom rope with his broken-armed hand. Anderson then yanks Kaz off the rope so he falls on his back hard. Now Anderson gets up and tries to climb across the ropes but falls off cos broken shoulder or whatever.
Didn't Eric Bischoff say all he needed to do to win was survive for five minutes? Or did we just collectively forget that in place of bullshit? We can only have so much backstage bullshit, after all~!!! Anderson jawbreakers Kazarian, then gets back, and thrusts him into the turnbuckle, and tries tos houlderblock but misses, and gets guillotined by Kaz on the outside.
Kaz springboards from the ropes, ONTO the Ultimate Sex rope, and shoves Anderson off, but ANderson grabs him, and brings him down into th Mic Check. What he was getting under the ring before is a ladder, for you see to climb up and get the X. DUHHHH. Mike Tenay obviously points this out, to which The Taz identifies Tenay as holding the rank of "Captain" in the realm of obvious. ANderson Anderson sets up the ladder, nosells his arminjury, and gets up to grab the X pretty much immediately but OH NOESZ FOURTUNE APPEARS TO CAUSE SHENANIGANS! Matthias Morgan sitout powerbombs him.
Kaz then gets on Morgan's shoulders to get the X. HURRHURRHURRRRRR.
WINNAR: Kaz of Lebanon
Anderson Anderson crawls under the ring, probably in shame, but OH NOESZ emerges on the other side with a PIPE! He bops Morgan and Styles with it. Everyone else leaves, until OH NOESZ JEFF HARDY appears with a steel chair and bops Anderson Anderson in the back of the head with it. In fact, it spoke louder by its quietness it made so little sound as it hit Anderson that it sounded NASTY AS FUCK, BRAH. Anderson then blades the back of his head, and sets the ladder up around Anderson's arm, and smacks it with a steel chair. In memory of his new God, he rips open his shirt.
Backstage, Flair and Bischoff sleaze it up backstage, leaving and going out to a big SUV waiting them. Camera is waiting for them inside to keep filming, and they take off going off and OH NOESZ WILD KURT ANGLE APPEARS! He looks like a retarded kid who gets caught blocking the road and odesn't know what to do. And despite holding a steel pipe in hand, he pounds on the glass window before breaking in the back. NWA GUISE GUNNA AND MURPHMURPH appear to chase Angle away.
They then get out of the car and Flair says to call the cops to get Angle in jail. Then it ends. Mercifully.
TNA YAY: The Taz destroys the HOGAN'S IMMORTALS heelness storyline by asking WHY should we not trust them, because they never did anything to us.
TNA BOO: That episode had bowling shoe tendencies.
TNA WTF: I guess Anderson technically wins that X match because he survived 5 minutes in it. Much like Star Trek Voyager, TNA iMPACT can't even remain consistent with itself in the SAME EPISODE.
It's about time now for the TWF LTR CHALLENGES~! Check out the latest challenge here and vote for the one I tell you to vote for. But know this; I've threatened at least one of them with death thus far. I ALMOST ALWAYS CARRY OUT MY THREATS. Sometimes. Maybe.
Also, my Twittering. CaptainHalo
Feedback if you want: firstname.lastname@example.org
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).