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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(10/15/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

HEY THERE! I don't feel like doing this recap. Maybe the prospect of THREE HOURS of iMPACT! But my recap will be SPECTACULARLY harsh today, because I hate TNA. So much so I can't trust any jackally asshole to take my place for even one week!

So TNA Wrestling, with the opening video still featuring Jeff Jarrett.

TNA WRESTLING PREPARS FOR TNA BOUND FOR HOARY, where some wrestling will happen, and apparently Amazing Roderick's only purpose as X Title is to give Lashy a justification for wrestling Samoan Josephus. WOW. And I mean that in a bad way.

Tonight's episode is "Angle's Revenge", so I assume Kurt Angle will somehow be involved. But I could be wrong. Trust me, I'm one of the Five Jew Bankers.

We start off IMMEDIATELY with Kirk Angle in a shitty T-shirt with a rose on it and a jacket. Apparently he's ready foar battaglia. Because tonight, he face, the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, one on one, AJ Styles. As opposed to--- oh hey, Booker T! Kurt Angle has to talk about the one year anniversary of nWo Olympia! They went from being a group about old crotchety men whining about youngsters not respecting them, to a group of people... whining about something... doing stuff... who knows why? They just wander around, dominating TNA, with absolutely no message whatsoever.

Kurt Angle apparently thinks Bobby "I only fought one match" Lashley is one of the most dominating MMA fighters in the world. He faces Samoan Yusuf. Scotty Steiner and Booger T will face the gangs in that match. Kevin Nash will do something to keep his title. I say "something" because saying "wrestling" would imply that he will be wrestling. And whatever the fuck he does in the ring is only close to wrestling, but not really wrestling.

Good God. This has been a full fucking year of nonstop Angle domination of TNA. I am so sick and tired of him, I no longer respect him. He did some nifty matches in WWF and WWE and TNA, but it's over. He's done. Retire or die Benoit-style. That's his future, unfortunately.

All the opponents come out and Buh Buh Ray Deadly pretty much repeats my sentiments by saying they're sick of hearing the mEM. AJ Styles is TNA Heavyweight Champion. AJ gets on the microphone, saying Angle siad that Bound for Gloryhole was the make or break event for the MEM. What? That doesn't make any sense. WWF Invasion this ain't. The faces just run in and beat on the MEM. The Taz is apparently no longer affiliated with the MEM at all, as he is boistrously excited and thinks it's a NICE way to kick off iMPACT, by seeing his protege' and his team get shitkicked by their enemies.

This is who they trashed Don West for? Help me.

No commercial thoughts this time because my head hurts. I'm still stuck int he old TNA days where The Taz came out, HeelDon West was around, and TNA looked to be perhaps slightly improving.

The Horrible People all come out, and from what I hears, Lacey Von Erich has the wrestling skills of a WWE Diva. Victoria's either getting too old to wrestle, or she's intentionally being a boring little shit. Her moveset consists of punches and kicks and clotheslines, then scoop slams, her finisher, and that's it. Some asshole has the incredibly stupid sign "Tara Ryzing". Triple H is not amused.

The Horrible People vs Tara and Awesome Kong and ODB

Wow. Squash, much? Three piss-poor Divas vs two giants and a veteran wrestler. Still, I could kick Tara's ass, the shoe-polish smelling motherfucker. Kong clotheslines both Tara and ODB, then leaves. Cool stuff. She comes back to start beating up Tara on the outside. Meanwhile in the ring, Velvet Sky fights ODB after the three of them were beating on them. NOW Kong starts to leave. They do some lame-ass shit, then try to pin her, but fail.

Uh oh. I can't tell the width="630"nce between the Horrible People. They all look alike, except for Velvet Skye. ODB does a massive clothesline to one of them, and now they're both down. Tara and Velvet get tagged in. Tara starts smacking them all down with some of the most pathetic looking palm-thrust-shove things ever, then picks up Velvet for a snap suplay. 1 OUT OF 5 MOVES COMPLETE. ODB gets tagged in, because Tara's apparently exhausted. Tara was on the turnbuckle, but ODB picks up the other onto her shoulders. Apparently old woman Tara wanted to do something, so she superkicks ODB in the throat, letting the Horrible People pin her for teh winsz.

WINNAR: The Horrible People

If this becomes Tara's new gimmick of being an old, crotchedy bitch, I approve.

BACKSTAGE with His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I, who shills 6 Hour Power energy, then talks about morality, and how he is a man with conviction to do what is righteous. Daniels Daniels is just a pothole to the Pope's path to glory---halleluyer (his word)---he then asks Lauren if her hands are clean, and takes it and forcibly presses it to his breast. Oh snapsz! He wants her to feel that he has the heart of a lion, and the soul of a champion, energy that can never be contained... just like 6 Hour Power Energy.

Holy fucking shit, how in the fuck did the WWE fumble this magnificent bastard and make him the most boring nobody this side of Heel Colin Delaney?

RANDOM BACKSTAGE with Lauren trying to interview Bobby Lashley, sheduled to face Rhino. Even though Joe attacked him, how does Bobby remain so cool? His response, "Becauth I AM cool" teehee. Rhino gores his shit then and there, and screams at him, saying there will be no Bound for Gloryholes for him because he won't make it through tonight.

Ultimate X thing is coming soon. Wasn't it some guy here a long time ago who said PLEASE DO NOT DO ANY OF THIS MATCH EVER AGAIN because Rhino and James Storm wrestled in one and almost died it was so dangerous? Clearly someone is a pansy-ass faggot. Since this is the absolute first anyone is hearing about this match at Bound for Glory, it will be for the X shit Title, and have 14 or 15 random jobbers and X wrestlers who received no TV time for the past four months.

Suicide vs Amazing Red w/ HeelDon West?

HeelDon West comes out with Red, and he comes out to shake hands with Tenay and The Taz. Sadness abounds because he's not on commentary. They both lock up to wrestle and such. Suicide tosses him like a bitch across the ring, because he is one. They run, SUicide tries to clothesline, but Red dodges. REd just randomly falls before Suicide can touch him, but IT'S A TRAP! He tries to knock over SUicide, but he slips out and they standoff. Then Suicide german suplay, then catches him in a headlocks.

This moving fast. Suddenly they whip Red, but SUicide misses, and Red arm drags and hip tosses, then dorpkicks, then gets caught by Suicide instead of a tilt a whirl backbreaker, and SUicide slams his face in the second turnbuckle thing. Pinfail. Suicide now pulling him up for a suplex-position then drop him onto the rope. Kick fails and Red flips into the ring just as Suicide slips out. Red then fliptwists out of the ring onto Suicide. Don West shilling Red chants by ringside.

Red now on the top rope with Suicide in the ring, he waits, then jumps right into Red's shoulders for a move, but Red escapes. Tries a face-kick, Suicide ducks, then Rod kicks him in the face with his other foot. Pinfail. Punching by Rod, The Taz believes Red baseball cards coming oput and Don West shilling them. Suicide blocks some move and gets his weak-ass Suicide SOlution, which this time actually looked painful. Pinfail attempt, but it was close, so it was justified.

OH MY GOD ALIENS INVADE AND BREAK INTO THE ARENA AND THEY ABDUCT SUICIDE no not really. Instead, the Pope comes out and shoves Suicide off the turnbuckle, then starts beating him up.

WINNAR: Suicide, and if this were Old TNA, he would be NU X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP

Pope going for an Elijah Express now, but Suicide catches him midway through with a sloppy-looking dropkick. The Pope is like "HEY! YOU DON'T TOUCH ME!" HeelDon West nevertheless approves of Rod.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Moral of the story of "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home" is: Save the whales, because in the future, aliens who communicated with whales in ancienty times will come back to check up on them, and their technology causes EMP-like effects on Earth technology, and if the whales don't talk back, they will destroy the Earth accidentally. Truly this is a moral deserving of our utmost efforts to outlaw whaling and save the whales.

Backstage with interview with Don West who is a fan of Amazing Red and all fast-talk shills Red's awesomeness, and says he wanted Don to be his official promoter and such. Don West says at Bound for Gory, Ultimate X match, with four people vying to be number one contender for Red's title. Wow, way to try to add legitimacy. It might work. Even without his obvious heelishness, I miss his fast-talking shilling.

Oh and now Eric Young now comes out to be on commentary. Oh God. Smokervoice, not actually sure it can be considered child smoker, but he sounds like he's got double lung cancer and bronchitis. And nine throat surgeries. It'd be as if Doctor Stevie had smoked for eighty years.

Hernando comes out and threatens Eric Young, saying out of respect for The Taz and The Tenay, he will not kill Eric Young, but at Hound for Hoary, he will break every bone in Young's body. Especially the lungbone, because he's sick of that fucking voice.

Hernandez vs TEH DOUG Williams

Hernandez lunges at him on the apron, but gets smacked by TEH DOUG and he tries a sunset flip, but Hernando nosells that shit, picks him up, and does basically a belly to belly suplex without being belly to belly, but instead doing it with his hands on his throat. Liek an overhead chokeslam. He then irish whips him, back body dorps, and runs at him at the turnbuckle but TEH DOUG kicks him, then gets on the turnbuckle for a flying elbow to him. Pinfail.

European Uppercut, or as they call it in Britain "The Flying Forearm of Standing Destrucity" on HErnandez, then an attempted suplex, but Hernandez reverses it, but TEH DOUG reverses it to, and does some more Destrucity things. Super Mexican knocks him aside with something and pins him.

Hernandez vs Brutus Mangey

Yeah, I just only learned now it was a gauntlet match. TEH DOUG smacks Hernandez, then Brutal comes in to boot him in the face. Stupid head wiggly taunt, then pinfail. Now Brutal punches his head, but HERNANDEZ IS UP and beating on him. He gets caught in a back drop. Pinfail again on Hernandez. BRVTVSMAGNVS whips Hernandez but Hernandez reverses, splashes him, then gets hit. Brutal tries to knock him off the apron, but he does his springboard elbow thing. Dominates, then pulls off his shirt and uses it to toss Brutal across the ring. Now a Border Toss for BRVTVSMAGNVS and a pinfall.

Hernandez vs Big Roid Terry

The Roid sneaks into the ring, and does a weak as hell clothesline on him. Jee whiz, this fucker's wider than Batista. The Taz makes kind of a Batista reference by saying Roid lifts a lot of weights, but weights don't fight back. THEY DON'T HOLD GRUDGES EITHER! Big Roid does some weak ass punches and smacks, then shoulder thrusts in the turnbuckle. Big Roid with his shriveled balls in Hernandez's face, and Hernandez coyly gets him in a sitout powerbomb for the easy as fuck pinfall. Wow. Steroids makes you big, but it doesn't make you any less stupid or weak. Fucker got hit with ONE powerbomb and he loses.

WINNAR: Hernandez

Eric Young gets pissed and kicks the shit out of Hernandez with his Kendu stick. OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE. Eric Young had apparently said "The plan is working perfectly". If by "working perfectly", you mean "Adding one loss to each of the British Invasion's record, and THREE wins for Hernandez, as well as completely burying our biggest guy by making him lose to ONE move", then yes, the plan worked perfectly.

EARLIER TODAY, we had Michael Tenay alone in the arena at the commentary table, and a FOURSPLIT SCREEN VIDEO ON THE TURNBUCKLE with the white men of the tag teams, Bruther Ray, Brother Roode, Brutus Magnus, and Booker T, because even SCott Steiner is a nigger to the greatness of Booker T.

Bruther Ray says his team was screwed out of both the tag team championshits, and Robert Roode is pacified in his soft, gay talking.

Unbelievable! Booker T is talking coherently, saying he is one half of the World Tag Team championships. No need for a word for word transcript, because Booker T is talking better than Bruther Ray. He calls Brutal "Magnum". Speaking of big penis condoms, Booker T gets into an argument with BRVTVSMAGNVS.

Out of buttfuck nowhere, Tenay says their partners are involved in a brawl in catering, with the white men of the tag teams, Scott Steiner, TEH DOUG, James Storm, and Brother Devon, because even Bruther Ray is a nigger to the greatness of Devon Hughes.

They brawl backstage, typical lazy-ass brawly stuff, and a dozen security guards come to break it up. Random backstage segment of Kurt Angle bouncing around in his locker room in preparation for his match.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: In the name of women everywhere, I say... "Network" is the best movie of 1976.

BACKSTAGE INTARVIEW with AJ STYLES by LAUREN. She thinks maybe AJ should wait until after his match with Sting before fighting another old cripple. Styles doesn't think so. He says Sting is considered the icon, and Angle is considered the best wrestler in the world today (2001). I missed whatever else it was, but it was most likely completely pointless.

His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus I: D'Angelo Dinero vs Daniel

Money rains down from the ceiling during the Pope's entrance, for blessings be upon him. Someone has a sign in the audience that just says "PORK". They tie up, Pope knees him, then shoves him, and knocks him against the turnbuckle. Oh, the money is fake, and has his face on it. Pope Blackadictus whips Dnaiels Daniels, but he jumps up, catches in an arm drag, then another, then tries for a DVD thing but the Pope escapes, only to be dropkicked by Daniels Daniels. The Pope waits on the apronw hile Slippery Penis distracts Daniels out of stupidity.

The Popely Father snapmares Daniels Daniels, then a springy boot to the head from the ropes, then pulls him to the center and does a running elbow drop. Pinfail. Daniels Daniels now punching him, but gets kicked in the gut, then punched in the face. He pulls out his blindfold thing to use as a weapon, but Slippery Penis pulls it away, which was exactly what His Holy Blackness predicted, and so chokes Daniesl Daniels, then drops Daniels Daniels into the center of the ring, and drops his knee over his throat.

Retard Mike Tenay thinks the Pope is somehow bad because he's been attacking SUICIDE for the past few weeks. A POPE is attacking SUICIDE. FUCKING MIKE TENAY.

Speaking of which, Popeness was doing stuff to Christopher, but Christopher Daniels hits a nekcbreaker, and now does some sledgehammers and such, irish whip, jumping leg lariat. Splashes him on the turnbuckle with forearm, then puts him on the turnbuckle and chops him off, then picks him back up and the Pope breaks free, jumps at him, and gets caught in a standing Rock Bottom.

The Popeness catches him with a kick and does an STO, then pinfail. Popeness tries a back drop, but Daniels Daniels slides out, then does an STO and pinfail. Daniels Daniels picks him up, and he does a near mirror of the old WWF No Mercy smack arms away, then pokes him. Daniels Daniels nevertheless gains control and does an Angel's Wing for teh winning situation at the end point of a match.

WINNAR: Christopher Daniels

Suicide then randomly comes out, running to the ring, and Daniels Daniels and him are all like "lez double team the black guy lol" but OH NOESZ! SHOCKING SWERVE! Suicide obviously attacks Daniels Daniels, and it's revealed to be Homicide, due to the fact that he was short and stubby, and had brown hands. ALso, he did a Gringo Killer, but his brownness is a more fun explkanation.

WOW! Total racism. Security CHASES his ass. What the fuck are they gonna do? Chase him out of the arena just so they can hug him to keep him away from Daniels?

Mick Foley now comes out with a tub of popcorn and a paper mask on his head. I love it. He lowers the mask over his face, one made of brown paper, and clearly imitates Chris Parks. He says "OOooohhh! Scaaaryyyy.. spoookyyyy!!" He says he wore a mask like that for three years, then they started being mass-marketed around Holloween, meaning anyone could buy one and pretend to be Mick Foley, even Chris Parks. His tone, and the way he drops into the big cushiony chair in the ring is so full of sleaze and awesome.

Mick Foley talks about Chris Parks being a pretty darn good knockoff of Mick Foley. He then gets a remote control and points it at the titan tron, and OH NO JAMES MITCHELL! REFERENCING A FIRED PERSON! He says "Oooh spooky manager with Chris Parks" and you know what reference he's going to make... THE ORIGINAL! THE BEST! Like 1996, Mankind and Paul Bearer! He doesn't explicitly say it, but still. He says the deranged Santa Clause, the blatant carbon copy, Chris Parks with his bag of thumbtacks, NOT SEEN SINCE 1995 WHEN HE INVENTED THAT IN JAPAN!

And what's this now? Chris Parks doused in flames by the Dudley Boys through a table! Not at all---or rather, at all like Edge vs Mick Foley at Wrestlemania 22!

Angry Park comes out all angry, and Mick Foley is still on his chair uncaring, but CHRIS PARKS ATTACKS HIM! LOOK AT THE SCREEN, CHRIS!

It's Doctor Stevie having kidnapped Lauren and tied her up. Bondaaage. Doctor Stevie is talking, but MICK FOLEY IS TALKING OVER HIM so I can't hear most of what Doctor says. SHUT UP AND LET HIM TALK. Foley's all like "RUN TO HER, CHRIS!" The video is obviously a pre-recording. Foley sits upright and eats more popcorn as he watches. Winsauce.

BACK from commercial with Jay Bee shilling TNA Mobile again. Homicide in Suicide's outfit, and he makes me laugh by saying BAM YOU GOT JACKED, FOO! Deebo, muthafucka! he stole Suicide's outfit. He says Suicide is one ugly sucker, and he knows who he is! KAZARI--- I MEAN WHO IS IT>?! He says he knew it was you all along. He then throws his microphone away all like "Oh hell no, Hell no!" as Security corners him for being brown.

Hamada vs Cheerleader Alissa

Alissa attacks Hamada right at the start of her entrance. Hamada gets kicked down the ramp. All fighting and stuff. Also, this is arbitrarily a falls count anywhere match, because they apparently don't pay TNA's announcer enough to announce this shit to people. Alissa Flish pulls a table out and leans it against the outside of the ring, then grabs Hamada and whips her into--- but she counters, and kicks Alissa across the chest. Now punching on Flash, and she gets on the apron to do something but gets yanked off.

Hahahaa.... yanked off.

Alissa locks Hamada's legs around for a nifty submission hold. I'm pretty sure the audience is chanting "OVER HERE!" as if trying to get them into the ring because they can't see shit, much of them. Salissa Squish beats on Hamada right back onto the ramp, moar punching, people get bored and start chanting for tables. Just forearm exchanges now. This match is dangerously low on momentum and interest. Uh ohes! Alissa near the edge of the ramp, and she picks up Hamada, but Hamada shoves her off... onto nothing. Disappointing. Like a three foot drop and she lands on her feet. Hamada gets ready to jump on her, and does a flippy jump thing. And a pinfail.

Now Hamada ends up outside the ring setting up the table, then going over to pick up Alissa and drag her over to the table. Alissa reverses an attempted smash , and gets kicked in the head by Hamada. Now Alissa gets positioned on the table, and Hamada gets on the turnbuckle, only to be dragged down by Alissa, and they fight on the apron. Now Alissa gets Hamada for a suplex, but Hamada is too short and stubby, and does a jumping DDT onto the apron, then puts Alissa back on the table, and goes back up to the turnbuckle, and then a moonsault through the table and pinfall. Well that match was a barrel of suck.

WINNAR: The Japanese one

BACKSTOOGE with Stooge Borash and Kurt Angle intarview. Angle says his focus isn't shaken by AJ Styles and MAtt Morganite or some shit like that. Angle says he will win at Bounding for Glorious and says neither AJ or Matt Morgan are Kurt Angle. Logical. He says Morgan and AJ will learn valuable lessons at Bound for Glory or something.

Random Commercial-area Thought: According to these videos I have, 3 hour iMPACT! means 2 nonstop hours with 1 hour worth of commercials

Rhino vs Bobby Lashley

Lashy's wearing the universal "SHOOT ME HERE" tape over his ribs. Rhino knocks Lashley off the apron and onto the metal guardrail, and now War Machine beats on him, then throws him back in, and kicks on him. Stomps. Stoomps. Stumps. Presses on Bubby Lashy, then springboards off rope to knee Lashley, then kicks Lashley. No offense whatsoever thus far on the BEST MMA FIGHTER TODAY. Yeah, fuck MMA. Wrestling is winner of them. Rhino beats on Lashy some more, and this match's momentum has ended. I'mma go lay down a bit, BRB.

Oh noesz, Bobby Lashy gets free and kicks Rhino, then throws him out of the ring. And somehow he's in control just from that. Now they both out of the ring, and Bobby throws Rhino's head onto the apron, but Rhino reverses and clubs Bobby like so many baby seals. Lashy reverses an irish whip and sends Rhino into the metal guardrail. A bunch of the fans are just looking down at their signs which they dropped, and one of them uses his foot to drag them back towards them. That's the only highlight of this boring piece of shit so far.

Bobby puts Rhino on the stretcher---oh by the way, did you know it was a stretcher match?---and Rhino rolls off as Bobby almost drags him out, then punches at Lashley's body. Then he turns his back on him, and run to Gore, but Lashley moves and lets Rhino gore the cardboard stage. Lashy now beating on Rhino's face, because doing anything else demands he be a wrestler and not an MMA amateur. Rhino again on the stretcher being carted out, and they're literally fucking backstage. What the fuck, come on! He dragged him the whole fucking way out of the main arena area! Just end the fucking match!

But no, he has to apparently also lift him up into an ambulance and drive him to the hospital and check him in to the emergency room. Rhino tries to gore again, but Lashley kicks him, then Full Nelson Slams him onto a random pile of metal. Lashy wins the match and puts Rhino into the ambulance.

WINNAR: Bobby Lindsay

Random backstage with retard Chris Parks running around backstage calling out for Lauren. He hears random screams and heads in that direction.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The Old Testament Hebrew Bible is full of more inconsistencies and plotholes than WCW 2000.

MOAR DON WEST as he shills Bound for Glory and Fan Interaction on the day before. One of the BFG stills actually had the audacity to say "MMA vs TNA". I fully expect them to carry that fucking shit out. Bring Brock Lesnar in to do a shooting star press on Kurt Angle and complete the circle!

So Cal Val continues to be useless by interviewing Bobby Lashley in the hallway. Hilariously, he leans against the locker room door, saying he got a mesdsage for Joe, and right behind him IN the room is Joe, waiting with a chair. He attacks Joe, then puts him in a Cock-in-a-clutch, further adding to the burial of Bobby Lashley. Also, some random person is laying in the corner unconscious. OMFG JIGSAW!

Mike Tenay says Bound for Glory is the best TNA PPV of the year, and this is why: A rundown of the matches being held, absolutely none of which are in any way spectacular or noteworthy or able to be distinguished from any of the other PPV's of this past year.

Backstage now with Chris Parks dawdling over to Lauren with his hands out like a retard. Lauren pulls off her wig and it's Daffney, laughing maniacally. Doctor and Mick attack him from behind. Mick Foley pulls the retard by saying "He dought Daffney was Lauren, hahaha! Just a cheap imitation!" Wow, way to call Daffney cheap. You fatty.

THE COMMERCIALS!

Oh, and it's time for that match I've heard so much about on the internet, in that one internet site, on it's forum, in that one thread, from that one post, from that one sentence I read.

Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles

The Taz says this has a big match feel to it. In what way? I completely and violently disagree. I'm violent and crazy, I hit people, raargh. It's all starting with them facing off and such. Then they lock up, and Angle pushes Styles into the corner, and the referee breaks them up. Faceoff again, and Angle slips around AJ and tries for a backhug, but then AJ swips around, then Angle again, then he slams AJ down, then they roll around a bit until AJ gets a rope to save from a pin or something. Faceoff again, and they tie up but Angle catches AJ from the side, but AJ dips down and grabs his leg, but Angle brings himself down, then pulls AJ up and gets his arm, then a headlock takedown into a headlock.

AJ gets up with Angle, and AJ pushes Angle to the roipes, then bounces him off, jumps, ducks, then dropkicks him. Angle rolls out of the ring. Some dumbass in the crowd has a black shirt that just says "Seriously". This is the stuff I pay attention to! Angle and AJ faceoff again, EUropean Uppercut on AJ, then another, then an irish whip, AJ kicks Angle in the arm, then scoop slams him, then bounces and does a jumping knee thing on ANgle. One count. Fail. Angle rolsl out of the ring again. Angle brings his hand out to trick AJ because AJ's a face. They lock hands, and Angle draws him in, so they can play hugging Mercy. Angle seems in control. Now AJ on his knee, and ANgle in control, bringing AJ down for a blowjob, but AJ gets up, and starts to retake control.

Angle eventualyl gives uop and kicks him int eh gut, then throws AJ onto the apron, and punches on him, then runs, but AJ flips inside, and clotheslines Angle, landing on his feet first, then USING TEH MOMENTUM to lunge at Angle and beat him down. AJ tries to jump out of the ring but Angle slides in, so AJ counters and lands on the apron, then gets up to springboard, but Angle knocks into him, and AJ hits the rope with his gut. AJ falls out to the outside of the ring out of the ring on the outer bit. Angle leaning on the rope casually, as AJ slowly gets on the apron, then Angle rams him out. Angle then jumps out of the ring with a flipping move on AJ. Angle up, picks up AJ, and slams him against the ring apron. Earl Hebner comes out to threaten Angle to get him in the ring or else be disqualified, as opposed to counted out. AJ rolled back in and pinfailed by Kurt ANgel. Angle then picks him up for a backbreaker, then another pinfail, then another pinfail. Then a chinlock.

AJ eventually elbows Angle, frees, then runs into Angle's tilt a whirl backbreaker. OMFG PSYCHOLOGY. Now a snap suplay by Kurtle, pinfail, pinfail. As in he tried twice to pin and he failed because he is a failing failure who fails. Now a reverse bear hug on the ground on AJ. AJ manages to break out, slam Angle into the turnbuckle, then get his irish whip reversed, only for him to boot Angle in the face. AJ punchies on him, then irish whip only to have it reversed, then get caught in a belly to belly suplay and overheaded. Now AJ being choked on the rope. Then a back suplay on AJ fails. LOL PSYCHOLOGY. Gut-scissor submission by Angle on AJ Styles and moar Psychocology Kart also gets a headlock on him, then turns it into a Kurt Angle. OH SNAPSZ! The Taz says he likes the scientific wrestling, and that's why he came to TNA, because THE PLACE HE CAME FROM didn't have a lot of it. Take That, faggots!

Angle gets a knife edged chop on AJ, but ANOTHAR headlock. Zzzzzzzzzzz. AJ wandering in circles around the ring, but then reverses into a back dorp on him. Angle runs at AJ as they get up, but AJ ducks and clotheslines him, then runs him into a corner, gets on the apron, and does his Super Hero jump thing on him. PInfail. A Jay now tries for the Stylesz Clish, but Angle revarses, then catapults him into the turnbuckle, and gets a SICKENING German Suplex on him, and a pinfail. AJ gradually getting uip and ANgle tries for an Olympic Slam, but AJ slips out, and OMFG PELE~!!!!1 Pin... and two. Fail.

AJ gets on the turnbuckle but OH NEOSZ! Angle gets up, and throws his fucking ass way the fuck across the ring. Pin and a fail, unfortunately. Angle cannot win! He is frustrated and catches AJ for an Olympic Slam but AJ counters with an armdrag, then a clothesline, and a close as hell pinfail which ended up failing. AJ is up farst and picks up Angle and trying for to going and completing a Stylesz Clish, but Angle reverses, but AJ rolls through, but gets caught in an Ankle Lock. Somehow Kurt did something that caused Aj to lift his other leg up, wrap them around Angle, and flip him over for a pin, but it fails. Kurt gets up now for his multiple German Suplexes. Tries for a pin... but it becomes a pinfail.

Angle now pulling down his straps, and gets on his knees before AJ, slams his knuckles into the mat, and sucks his---no wait, failed Olympic Slam, and AJ manages to revish it into a Stylesz Clush, but ANGLE KICKS OUT! Loads of people boo. They said this was going to be the greatest iMPACT! main event of the year? I only ask because it's gone on long, and there's still half an hour left. AJ gets on the top turnbuckle, jumps but gets caught by Kurt, who then puts him in an Olympic Slam and ONE... TWo... TH-- KICKOUT. Failure, unfortunately. Angle gets on the top rtope and goes for a moonsault buT AJ ROLLS ASIDE and it misses, like so many moonsaults missed.

AJ gets up for a 450 splash, and according to Mike Tenay, regarding the pin, "ONE! TWO! NAAOO-O-OO!!!" (Tenay iMPACT 10/15/09) That's called in-line citation. ALso, AJ Got Angle up on the turnbuckle, and going for a SUPAR Plex but ANgle throws him off, only to get caught by AJ for a Tombstone, but it's reversed and Angle now reversed as well, but Angle slides down, and rolls it intro an Ankle lock! AJ can't reach any of the ropes, and now Angle drops down for a figure four position! THe bell rings! DID AJ TAP!? Angle seems tot hink so! SUSPICIOUS ABOUNDS?!

Time limit expired. Draw.

And the referee was Earl Hebner.

Apparently this act of survival brings GOD HIM---well, no---STING out to the ring all quietly and such! Since there's still 28 minutes left, we get SUPAR FALLOUT FROM SUPAR IMPACT!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "I'd be a terrible mechanic. If someone told me their car didn't start, I'd say 'Maybe you're being followed by a crazy killer!'"

YET ANOTHER FUCKING RUNDOWN OF BOUND FOR GLORY. Is this how they spend their THREE HOUR IMPACT? By having the whole last 30 minutes be just MORE recaps and backstage bullshit and shit? Who books this shit?

Lashy promo vidoe package for Bound for Glory with Bobby Lashley mumbling stuff for TNA shilling. Lashley's been in four MMA matches. Only. Samoa Joe's response to Lashy is "I am Samoa Joe. I am professional wrestling."

The Taz totally fucks his protege' over by saying Bobby Lashley is prepared for anything, then tries to save himself by saying BUT Samoa Joe is the best this year and will get an upset victory.

HOLY shit, we get a promo now of Lashley's family and his being a father. Zzzz. I'm skipping all this, fuck you.

Oh wow, are they seriously wasting their last 30 minutes just with long as hell video packages for EVERY Bound for Glory Match? Let me check.

Okay, no, but still I skipped about a full 15 minutes of just bullshit video package shit.

BACKSTAGE NAO! AND NOT LATER! WITH JAY BEE AND KURT ANGLE! Jay Bee has to ask him, do you feel that if thi smatch had gone maybe just a few more seconds, bluh bluh dee bluh, just a matter of time before he tapped out. Angle says it wasn't official, but they know who the winnar is. Jesus Christ. He is winner. Jesus savior of my soul yay! The solution to every contest is "Jesus wins" or "Rock beats paper because a paper cut up by scissors becomes a pile of shreds, and a scissor crushed by rock becomes a pointless pile of debris, but a rock covered by paper is STILL A FUCKING ROCK and it will still break your fucking face when you get hit by it"

So if anyone gives you that "Paper beats rock" bullshit, just punch them in the face, and be all like "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper beats rock! You know how scissors cut up paper so it can't be used, and rocks crush scissors so you can't cut shit anymore, why couldn't paper cover up rock and keep it from breaking your fucking head open? BECAUSE PAPER DOESN'T BEAT SHIT! FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Oh, and I just missed a promo for Sting.

Now backstage with AJ and Jay Bee. AJ is like taking this as a loss. He didn't win or lose the match, but AJ's all squealing and bitching and stuff. He was emotional and he's got something to prove; that he's the best; but he lost, or rather didn't lose, but lost unlosing by not winning. So he failed in not winning because he lost.

Well that's it. The rest is just video packages. Amazing how they have THREE WHOLE HOURS to spend on iMPACT! and they spend it by having an ordinary lengthed episode, with an extra match in the form of the extra-long main event, then spend the last fucking half-hour with POINTLESS AND BORING VIDEO RECAPS SHILLING THE NEXT PAY PER VIEW EVENT! They're just living for the pay per views, it seems. They don't give a shit about anything but the pay per views.

I was going to say it was a shitty episode except for the main event match, but this was just a shitty episode all around. If you like wrestling, you'd like the main event and some of the flippy-doo type matches, but overall this was just a pile of shit spread over three hours, with the usual stuff given its usual time, and the remaining free time devoted to pointless bullshit. It was literally an ordinary iMPACT! episode with a bonus match, and a shitload of video recaps and promos and shit.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).