So I drank a little... heavily. Video package thing tells about what happened at TEN! TEN! TEN! Jeff Hardy turned heel to the surprise of... whoever cares about Jeff Hardy!
Backstage, Eric Bischoff is talking to some guy who claims to be Dixie Carter's lawyer, and that Bischoff SWEEEERVED the contract he sent her, and that she signed the contract on FALSE PRETENSES and Bischoff screwed it. Bischoff says SHE SIGNED IT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN FRONT OF MILLIONS (SNORT) OF PEOPLE! Also, it's his business, his show, and the lawyer is trespassing, so leave. The lawyer says this isn't over, you haven't seen the last of him. LEGAL SHENANIGANS AT SOME POINT IN THE NEXT FIVE TO SIX YEARS!~!!!11 I'm surprised it would be so langorous given how Bischoff shitcanned Bobby Lashley and Mick Foley with such incredible ease (sleaze). Remember that? Many months ago? Of course not, bitch!
Bischoff and Hogan come out to what can best be called a MIXED reaction. Tons of people cheering alongside the boos and such. Someone has a sign that says HOGAN GO HOME vertically, so that the first letters are HGH. CONSPIRACY? SMOKE AND MIRRORS, THEY WILL SOON KNOW!
Apparently, Hulk Hogan was bullshitting with his crutches, same as tonight, and uses them to JAM (PAPER JAMZ, NOW AT YOUR LOCAL DOLLAR STORE!) and BIschoff wants the PRIVILEGE AND THE HONOR of introducing his mentor, his brother, and the man that made this industry famous, Hulk Hogan. Cannot fault him, all that is sort of true.
Hogan wants to welcome us all to HIS company!~! Eric and him decided enough of the Lady Gaga, it's time to take what was theirs, and they wonder where's that bitch Dixie Carter hiding at, brahther!?! Hogan says there IS a motive to this madness, THANK GOSHITUDE~! Dixie CONNED Hogan into coming, PROMISING him the keys to the car, promising to take all his ideas, but NO ERIC, DIXIE DIDN'T WANNA DO IT THE EASY WAY SO HE JUST TOOK AND GRABBED EVERYTHING THAT WAS PROMISED TO HIM~!
Given how TNA was in the shitter before Hogan and after Hogan, I have to believe him! CONTROVERSY~!
What Bischoff did normally would be considered a hostile takeover. I remember many months ago, in my FIRST EVAR TNA RECAP I mentioned the Main Event Mafia debuting a wrestler called Hostile Takeover all over Mick Foley's office and face. But I was wrong! It wasn't a wreslter, it was a concept, and it apparently failed.
THIS TIME, thoiugh, it was a work of art. A Rembrandt, a Monet, could not conceive a piece of art as beautiful as what Bischoff and Hogan did. What they did was the ultimate of ultimate DADA post-modern bullshit bullshit art; standing around and hitting one person with a steel chair. Take a picture of that and call it modern art; win fifty bucks!
Bischoff then calls us all stupid for falling for the stupid booking involving Abyss turning on Hulk Hogan some months ago, and I'm SHOCKED! SHOICKED! SHOCKED that they REMEMBERED this plotpoint that was SO LONG AGO! They call out Abyss, who comes out all fat and such. The Taz explains that the PINK SLIP that Dixie thought she was signing for Abyss to be fired was actually the DEED TO THE COMPANY over to Bischoff.
Well! What exactly does that say about Dixie Carter when the words "DEED TO TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANY" are somehow lost upon her. "DUZ THIS MEEN "FAUR UHBYSS?!" "Yes it does, Missus Carter, heheheeee..." NO NO NO They're not saying rednecks are stupid and can't read; just women.
So Abyss is in the ring now all like THEY'RE HEEEEREEEE and says FOR MONTHS he been prophesizing that on tententen THEY would arrive to take TOTAL CTRL of T N A! And all of these ignorant SHEEP in the iMPACT Zone did not believe him! Honestly, WHO WOULDN'T?! A big fat crazy in a torn-up hoodie wearing a mask that looks like a pair of women's extreme bondage panties talking to a branding iron and a block of wood full of nails? If you couldn't trust him, would you trust JESUS? I'm pretty sure Jesus was the same way, only circumcized.
THEY are in control of TNA now. "HULK, ERIC, I AM YOUR SOLDIER AND I FOLLOW YOUR ORDERS AND I WILL DESTROY ANYTHING OR ANYONE WHO STANDS IN OUR WAY" says Jesus Abyss. Of course, if Jesus Chris Parks is the prophet, this must mean...
Hulk Hogan is GOD!
And to solidify that, Hulk Hogan LITERALLY says "MY SON... IT IS YOUR DESTINY! NOW THAT YOU ARE MIIIIINE, YOU WILL LIVE FOREVER, BECAUSE YOU ARE IMMORTAL, ABYSS!"
O would you believe in the burden of sin? There's power in the blood! Power in the blood! Would you, o'er evil, a victory win? There's wonderworking power in the blood! There is poooower! Pooower! Wonder-working power, in the blooooood, of the Huuuuulk! There is poooower! Pooower! Wonder-working power in the blooooood, of the Huuuuuulk!
Speaking of which, they mention Jarrett knows where the BODIES are buried (like the Japanese guy who was with the WOrld Elite. I forgot his name. TNA's Yoshi Tatsu) and he comes out all happpy-like.
Sobering thought: Kevin Nash and Sting's whole nonsensical bullshit story actually makes sense now.
Jarrett complains how Dixie Carter used DADDY'S money to run Jarrett right out of his own office, and he TOTALLY didn't do the same when he created TNA! Not even. It's been a joy for him to work with Hulk Hogan and such and they gave the entire Carter family EXACTLY what they deserved. Meaning they were behind Jimmy Carter's health scare a few weeks back. TREASON~!!!
New rules nao, dictated by the NEEW REGIME! And speaking of "new", here be FOURTUNE~! They enter the ring all smug and happy and such. Ric Flair gets on the microphone all "AH KNOW THAT IN YUR ABSENCE, YOU PROLLY AIN'T BEEN WATCHIN THA SHOW, but WORD UH MOUTH SHOULDA TOLD YOU THIS COMPANY IS RUN BAH FORTUNE!"
Now people are chanting for FOURTUNE! What gives?! They're teh Faces now? What does this mean for EV2.0! Will there be an unholy alliance with the Hogan THEY or are THEY such a big issue that the EV2.0 guise will join forces with FOURUTNE?~!?~!
Ric Flair says some stuff about them, and then says SOMEONE in this ring is prepared to die, so how about you Hulk Hogan? Oh snapsz~! They face off all crazy-like, and Flair and Hogan then... hug. Everyone's all booing as they hug and join forces. OH MY GOODNESS WHO CVOULDA SAW THIS COMING? DID ANYONE HAVE ENOUGH OF A BRAIN TO SEE THIS COMING?
Eric Bischoff then says that they're on the same team for the same reason... because Dixie Carter had the AUDACITY to bring in a bunch of used up garbage and DARED to compare them to Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair. STOP SHOOTING, BISCHOFF~!!!!!11
Honestly, though, isn't it GREAT when someone finally pays for being so goddamn stupid, as in Dixie paying for bringing the ECW guys in over TNA stars?
NOW for the moment they been waiting for; This new regime wouldn't be here tonight if it weren't for their next guess... snort... Jeff Hardy. The guy so famous, they know him as Harvey. He has a new music that is at least somewhat faster-paced than his heroin-spiked Modest song.
I'M HAVING ME A BRAINGASM NOW! WHAT IF THEY BRING IN MATT HARDY and he TEAMS up with Jeff and it's all HARDY BOYS AGAIN... but then MATTHEW HARDY feuds with them, because he's the GOOD GUY alternate personality, and then they book a match of Matt and Jeff Hardy vs Matthew Hardy and Rob Van Dam! BOOK IT, RUSSO!
Anyway, people chant YOU SOLD OUT to Jeff Hardy. Methinks they do not understand the meaning of the phrase "sold out" and Hardy says he didn't sell out, he SOLD IN, HURRDURR! He blames the people for his pain, and totally not the meth lab that blew up his home. He says he hurt himself up for WUT! Herniated discs and pinched nerves, whereas the THEY care about him, and promise he'll never have to put over anyone ever again.
And RVD is like someone he knows, he's an asskisser and can't accept the fact that he is, just another POLITICIAN. Hardy never played that game, never will. The fact that he's standing in the ring with---gah, nevermind. So he guesses the WHOLE EFFIN SHOW is wonderin' what the WHOLE EFFIN' DEAL is, and what the WHOLE EFFIN REASON was. He say they ARE IMMORTAL and they LIVE FOREVER!
Our father, who art in TNA, hallowed
be thy name
Thy Mania come, thy will be done, bruther
UH OHSZ cutaway shows Kevin Nash and Sting watching backstage! Eric Bischoff seems to catch this on the tron and says EY COME ON DOWN THE PARTY'S IN THE RING, DON'T SIT BACK THERE LIKE A COUPLE-A WALLFLOWERS! WE STILL LOVE YOU! Our Holy Hogan, who is MIGHTY, says FORGIVE AND FORGET, COME SIT WITH US, THIS IS THE FUTURE!
Give us this day, our daily SWERVE,
And forgive us our logical expectations,
As we forgive them that expect logic from us for watching,
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from reason, Amen, dude.
DURING THE BREAK, Dixie Carter pulls a King Louis by fleeing with a small group of LOYAL FOLLOWERS, fleeing the country, though WILL THEY ENCOUNTER A PATROL THAT RECOGNIZES HER AND SENDS HER BACK TO HER POST? In the ring, Nash and Sting are coming, and Mike Tenay bitches that they were warning them, but DAMMIT (his squeal) nobody would listen!
Honestly, though, isn't it GREAT when someone finally pays for being so goddamn stupid, as in Sting and Nash not just SAYING "Jarrett and Hogan and Bischoff are the 'THEY' Abyss is talking about"?
Bischoff says this is a company, this is a business, it's about money, and everyone in this ring is willing to put it behind them, and they want these two guys on the team. No, they NEED these two guys on the team; how you gonna recreate WCW without STING and Kevin Nash!?!?!?!?!?
Nash says it's ALMOST a perfect fit for him, since his old career has been about money and he hasn't cared about anybody else, took as much as he could, but a funny thing happened on the way to the Forum---I mean, here---and as he got older, he got wiser, and the Bible---
OH MY GOD, IT'S A SIGN! IT'S MOAR RELIGIOUS TERMINOLOGY DROPPAGE! ALL HAIL THE HOLY TRINITY: THE FATHER HOGAN, THE SON ABYSS, THE HOLY SPIRITSCHOFF!
---says that gray hair is a sign of wisdom, and with wisdom came compassion, and those guise in the back that he took every dollar from up until this moment now are his friends, and his family, so this time he's gonna pass on the money and just leave TNA. Or something like that. No wait, that IS what he said. HOLY SHIT I AM A PROPHET TOO! I prophesied what I read online days ago!
Sting say he didn't come for this; this is nothing what he bargained for. He came because he loved TNA! FIVE YEARS LATER he wouldn'ta sacrificeds this old body unless he loved TNA, so they're not just words, he loved this place, but this and most of all THIS RIGHT HERE, and YOU TOO (pointing to Hogan and Flair) THIS is called a no-win situation and he's not gonna repeat history once again (UNLIKE TNA CREATIVE) and the answer is No.
They then leave, and I'm very happy because it's been so long without any wrestling. Who needs that shit in TNA? Eric Bischoff calls them stupid, saying it's ALWAYS about money---namely, they have none, and thus need to steal all the money they can before going under. YAY WCW ALL OVER!
Mike Tenay is like WOW, Ladies and Gentlemen on the heels of that Bound for GLory Hole on this iMPACT and such. As you can imagine, Sting and Nash have been PREACHING that HOGAN AND BISCHOFF ARE FULL OF BS. And GOD HIMSELF must have put some spooky potion on them preventing them from coherency so that they failed miserably. God forbid Paul Revere should say "THE REDCOATS ARE COMING! TO ARMS! THE REDCOATS ARE COMING!" and instead say "KING GEORGE IS FULL OF SHIT, FUCK HIM, SMOKE AND MIRRORS, SHOCK AND AWE, WE'RE THE BAD GUYS NOW, BUT WHO WILL CHEER FOR THE BAD GUYS TOMORROW?"
Backstage, the FORMER Holy Father Pope D'Angelo Dinero bitches at Nash and Sting for walking out and to tell him what's going on and such. They ain't saying for him to stay, but he's not old enough to have so much money. Dinero then says wasdn't it him that said don't walk away from the ATM when it's kickin out cash? STOP SHOOTING, BURK~!!!!111
BACKSTAGE, apparently Dixie got caught just like I said and is being forced back to the Royal Palace when she encounters Sting nad Nash and NOWWW she's all like YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! Sting's like I TRIED TO TELL YOU and Dixie said YOU USED CRYPTIC LANGUAGE YOU WERE TALKING IN TONGUES! IF YOU USED PLAIN ENGLISH, I WOULDA LISTENED!
I absolutely love it when people get their comeuppance for being so GODDAMN STUPID.
Bischoff and Hogan then appear to confront Dixie and she's like WHAT ARE YOU DOING! Bischoff is about to talk, and she slaps him all like I DO NOT WANNA HEAR FROM YOU and says for Hogan to look her in the eye and tell her she screwed him. Hogan stares her int he eye all like "LEMME TELL YOU SOMETHIN HOTSHOT! You wanna have this conversation with me? You have it in MY office"
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: http://spookyordooky.com/
When we return, we're in Dixie's office, where there's EVIL CIGAR SMOKING going on. Dixie apparently didn't LISTEN TO WHAT HULK HOGAN SAID IN THE RING EARLIER and DEMANDS to know if he screwed her intentionally and such. Eric takes a picture of her with his cell phone all funny-like cos he's crazy. He says he did, cos she lied to him and says everything he said in the ring and such. Dixie says it will NEVER be their company, over her dead body. OOH SHE CALLS BISCHOFF A SMUG SHIT UNCENSORED! Killer.
She orders her NWA GUISE to get them outta here, and Hogan's like SHUT UP DIXIE and THEY WORK FOR ME and tells the NWA GUISE to get this PIECE OF TRASH OUTTA MY OFFICE and they go and do that to her, because she's a woman and thus don't understand the whole bidness stuff. She's about to be taken around the corner and probably brutally gangraped when SUPER SERGE APPEARS TO SAVE HER... AND GETS POPPED IN THE HEAD AND KNOCKED OUT INSTANTLY! HOORAY FOR THE RETURN OF SERGE!
Going on now, some random brunette female arrives. And that's it. Anyway, some shit happening. Madison Rayne with brown hair comes out with a microphone, all like last Sunday night was the BIGGEST NIGHT IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING! Yes, I believe I was kickin' it that night, so she is right. But for TNA, it meant SHE did NOT become TNA Knockout champion because HER title is around the waist of TARA right now, the SAME TARA who wrestles like a female Hulk Hogan. Shje is DEMANDING that Tarantula come and give her a TITLE MATCH right now.
Tara comes out, and Madison Rayne wants to remind Tara that SHE THE REASON TARA IS BACK IN TNA RIGHT NAO and if itweren't for her, she'd not be in that match on Sunday. They had a deal so DO THE RIGHT THING. So she gonna do the right thing, only without the rape.
Tara (C) vs Madison Rayne
Madison apparently has this deal being for Tara to lay down and let Madison pinwin her. MATCH OF THE NIGHT!
WINNAR + NEW TNA KNOCKOUT CHAMPION: Madison Rayne
HOORAY FOR MADISON! She hops into Tara's arms and hugs her, but is sure to avoid that tumor-elbow of hers. I will never get over that, that was fucking disgusting. Speaking of fucking disgusting, HARDCORE CUNT-RY Mickie James comes out to trash on this match. She's all like YOU CALL YOURSELF A CHAMPION? and YOU KNOW WHAT? I FIND THAT DISGRACEFUL. She say AH TOLD YEW AH WAS GUNNA MAKE HISTORY and such, and she says he gonna win that championship, and apparently now?
Madison flees and has Mickie James killshit Tara.
Backstage, the Beautiful People are having makeup done and such. Random brunette wonders where Cookie is. They apparently know who this person is. She lookin for a bitch named Cookie who's talking shit. Who the fuck is this? Why the fuck do they care about some shitty Jersey Shore rip--- ooooooohhhh...
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I thought JWoww was a man. And that voice didn't help convince me otherwise
Backstage, the Beautiful People and the JWoww person are looking for Cookie. They look in the men's locker room area because clearly she's some kind of monster or something. Eric Young randomly appears all OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! Bow-wow, I love you, and such. He wants her herpes on his jugs. Or Herbie Hancock. He poses for the Jwoww creature and all like I'm a gorilla and such. ORLANDO JORDAN randomly appears beside him, who lies out the ass and says she look absolutely fabulous, and he would love to put his lolllipop in her mouth. He offers it to her and she drops it intentionally.
Best moment of the night; I fell apart laughing as they left all like goodbye and such, and Orlando calls out after them "Jersey Shore sucks"
Coming to the ring now, without music or video or ring attire or job, it's KURT ANGLE! Trespassing, brah, he's trespassing. Just like that lawyer was. He gets into the ring with a microphone, all like I came to the iMPACT Zone a little late tonight, obviously uninvited. HUHUHU REALLY! But before he officially makes his statement of retirement, he'd like to get a few objects off from atop his torso. People chant PLEASE DON'T GO, but hey, Kurt put his own career-challenge thing, and that means more than any TNA thing, and he's a man of his wurrrd.
He say he busted his ass for the past six months and at Bound for Glory he gave everything he had, dislocated his ribs, reinjured his neck, and apparently got drunk based on how he's staggerin about all hung over. He wants to know why Hulk Hogan and Bischoff scrooed him at Bound for Glory. DID NO ONE EVEN FUCKING WATCH THE FIRST HALF HOUR OF THIS SHOW?
Angle starts splittin' hairs and bullshit by saying he didn't WIN at Bound for Glory, but he didn't get PINNED either, so he's in a DILEMMA! Jeff Jarrett comes out, because why not? Remember the whole feud they had together? NO?! WHY NOT!?!??! Jarrett wonders what kind of dilemma is there, and I wonder that, too. He stated if he didn't win the World Title, he wouldn't wrestle anymore. Kurt did not win the title, thererfore he will not wrestle anymore. Logical?
Jarrett, like me, did not hear him MAKE EXCUSES regfarding being pinned and such. Jarrett calls him the 1996 Olympic champion, the father, the husband---oh wait, ex-husband---OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!~!~!!1111 Jarrett say he will NEVAR FORGET how he made his life a living hewll when he brought him IN to TNA and one day he would turn the TAAD (Tide) and Angle says first of all YOU CAN HAVE THAT SLUT OH SNASPZ BURNAGEING~! Biq NOw HOW did he make his life a living hell? GOOD QUESTION! HOW? WHY? BY PUTTBNG TNA ON THE MAP? HE DID THAT. By talking up TNA every chance he had? By teaching the rookies?
Hey, remember that whole Main Event Mafia from last year when Kurt Angle was shitting on the rookies? OF COURSE NOT! How many world titles did Jarrett hold BEFORE Angle? A dozen? Two dozen? He held everybody down but he couldn't hold down KURT ANGLE! Jarrett say that has absolutely NOTHING TEW DEW WITH IT and has URRRRVRYTHANG to do with takin back what wuz mine. ANd he say he sold his soul to the devil because destroying ANgle's career was more important than destroying hi life.
Am I too stupid or wasted to comprehend, or does it seem like everyone's talking about things that don't quite make too much sense or that apparently dont make snese? Like... wut? Jarrett and Angle thing, selling to devil, destroying ANgle's career and such, like... huh?
NWA GUISE ambush Angle and handcuff him, and Jarrett gtets to beat up on him and BOOP his head against the cardboard side of the platform with the commentator's table. NECK INJURIES AHOY! Jarrett backs away but then goes to do it and OH NOSZ THE TAZ COMES OUT TO PROTECT KURT ANGLE! He tells em to get the fuck out they going too far, piss off, etcetera. OH SHIT BRAH! Some people chant TAZ IS GONNA KILL YOU and some other people say YOU SUCK TAZ
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: More than halfway through and NOT A SINGLE WRESTLING MATCH! TRULY THIS IS THE GREATEST EPISODE OF TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING IMPACT ON THURSDAY NIGHTS IN THE EVER!
The day after Bound for Glory, Samoa Joe is walking along Daytona Beach talking to teh camera all like he got screwed and now Jarrett can go to sleep knowing that Joe is comin' after him.
What is this heathen blasphemy now? A wrestling match? I never!
Abyss vs Samoa Joe (?)
Joe looks quite unpleased! I wonder why. He rushes in to punch up on Abyss a bunch, but then Abyss recovers to put him in the corner, but gets reversed, and Joekicks him in the face with a Joekick, then puts his boot in Abyuss's face when he's in the corner all fallen and such. Some running about and he slips past Abyss and jumpkicks him, then a Senton Fat Splash on Abyss. Abyss on his hands and knees, doggy style, and Joe comes up behind him, then picks him up and punches him up.
Abyss then pulls a classic WWF No Mercy 64-type reversal of a grapple and slams Joe down. Abyss scares SoCalVal away, with her redheaded girlflesh, and gets a steelchair, and Joe goes to suicide dive Abyss right into the steel chair and both doods are down all broken up and such~! Abyss snatches the ring bell and smacks Joe with it. The referee LOUDLY says RING THA BELL and such. LOLWUT! The bell somehow rings anyway, despite the whole Abyss using it as a weapon.
WINNAR: Samoa Joe
Joe unwraps one of his wristbands to get the RAZOR to BLADE with, and Abyss punches him up and throws him in the ring to pound on his head some. ZUMFGZ ROB VAN DAM MUSIC HITS and he staggers out because hey, no hurry, and Abyss casually leaves. Yeah, no rush, you know.
Speaking of Abyss, Rob Van Dam gets on the microphone all like JEFF HARDY let's take care of this YOU OWE ME an explanation. Yeah, who gives a shit about Abyss anymore? He killed for our sins, now piss off and let others be our false prophet! Van Dam's like Hardy had his firendship and trust and full support and such. On the video tron, Jeff Hardy all Raven-like talking "Friendship. What tis Friendship?" (not typo, that's what it sounded like) He say in a weirdy-beardy accent all like In this business it's AN ILLEWSION, you bring your Competitors as cleh-ose as you can, he chewed Rob Van Dam up and spit them out. His words are BIBLICAL!
ALL PRAISE THE HOGAN, THE ABYSS, THE HOLY BISCHOFF!
Video randomly inverts colors and he calls himself the NEW ANTICHRIST! I'd believe it; Nostradamus said no one would suspect the Third Antichrist of being the Antichrist! Well it's not so much "not suspect" with Jeff Hardy as it is "not care", but WHY DEBATE SEMANTICS?!?!?!
Eric Bischoff comes out to instead say it's Rob van Dam vs Anderson Anderson and the winnar gets the title shot at Turning Point. ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE! MOAR BIBLICAL REFERENES!~!~1291u39014u902ujt5rw
A SECOND wrestling match tonight? Heathen blasphemies.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'll think when I'm dead
Backstage, SEXUAL PREDATOR Eric Bischoff sleazers with MISS TESSMACHER as if he just saw her for the first time. He then SWERVES by saying It's just that easy, isn't it? It's just that easy with you. Let me tell you how EASY you are! He then starts screaming and yelling at her, like YOU DONT KNOW WHEN TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! You know what happens and what he ALMOST COST BISCHOFF by telling Nash and Sting and such! Hey, big-boyo, what difference would it make, given that they were too stupid to be direct?
Bischoff says fuck you, you can't be trusted, and says the only thing Tessmacher can do now is get some kneepads, drop, and suck. Or he said sling some boots and tights on and throw down with the Knockouts. I'm surprised by his lack of misogyny in such statements.
Anderson Anderson appears all serious-face and shakes hands with Eric all like I never htought I would meet a bigger asshole than me. HURRDURR. He starts hurting Bischoff's hand like You're not gonna win this war, Eric. Then he leaves.
HEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! True fact; D'Angelo Dinero is the sexiest black man I ever seened. I would have his babies. His chocolatey-sweet babies.
His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero vs All of FORTUNE except Matt Morgan and Ric Flair
To have some fun, they decide to give it tag team rules, and TEH DOUGLAS starts with TEH POPE and such. Pope counters some punches up and beat shim aside, but WILLIAMS reverses and bounces off the ropes to knock him aside, but then THE POPE gets up and knocks his ass down. Pope beats him up some, then tries to pin but he escapes and tags in DA KAAZ who gets beaten up on by Pope, and he does a diving shoulder block thing. He flips back and tags in AJ Styles, who gets kicked and chopped by His Holy Darkness, and then Pope totally fuckin steals Matt Morgan's move where he puts AJ's head ont he ropes and jumps on his back and slides off his body to the outside and poses.
Not amused by his shit, Morgan carbonites his head with his foot and a big BOOSH, thjen rolls him in the ring, where AJ refuses to pinwin and tags in Robert Roode to beat up on him, just like his daddy used to do. They tag in with James Storm and double team him, then do a Beer Money pose and Storm beats up on him, then tags in KAAZ to beat up on Pope and dropkick him. Pin gets 2. Irish whip Pope into the BAD GUYZ corner to knock some people off, but then they arrive to distract the referee while KAAZ holds Pope for AJ to do a Superhero chop, but POPE MOVES and AJ stops short, and tries to PELE OUTTA NOWHERE but hits KAAZ with it. Pope almost pinwins, but pin gets 2. BEER MONEY now in to DWI on Pope and KAAZ pins for teh winc0rz.
They all start stomping the negro down and then pose.
Backstage, it's Cookie and Not The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer. Speaking of trash, here be the REAL Jersey Shore shithead, JWoww with the Beautiful People.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I miss DJ Gabriel
SPeaking of DJ Gabriel's style of intro music, it's The Shore. The Taz sells this shit epic. People chant "WHO ARE YOU?" as they come in and RObbie's all like WE'RE AT THE SAME TIME AS THE JERSEY SHORE, YO! QUICK, CHANGE THE CHANNEL, THE REAL THING IS ON! He keeps going on saying Jersey Shore is DONE because this parody is here and Weird Al Effect or whatever. They wish. And by They, I mean THEY! Bitch. No more of SNooki, no more The SItuation Room with Wolf Blitzer, no more Japanese Wrestling Women of World.
TGhis of course brings out the non-Japanese non-wrestler woman trhing with the Horrible People. JWoww corpses some, shitty actor that she is and Cookie sells it up with the shitting on her and such. She say she knows she's a little bit slow, so listen real close; take your fakeass weave, your fake nails, and your very fake dollar-store tits and go crawl back into that hole you came out of, this is our house, bick. HER WORDS!
JWoww ambushes her and starts playing with Cookie'shead some. CREDITZ go the cameraguy, who wiggles the camera about and sells it like she's RIPPING COOKIE'S HEAD OFF but the other camera angles make it suck a dick. Who needs Wrestling when you have this?
Backstage after commercials, it's the shithead Anderson, posing and apparently exercising and such. I wish my show had a mechanical bull. Fucking Malcolm NXT guy.
Ken Anderson vs Rob Van Dam w/ Surprisingly tame audience reaction
Wrestling? On a wrestling show? Later; COMMERCIALS FIRST TO INTERRUPT! Boy are they long. When we return, bell rings, and such. They exchange punches, because A CONVOY IS ONLY AS FAST AS ITS SLOWEST MEMBER, and they tug of war some with the irish whips, but Rob Van Dam wins one, and does a monkey flip thing. People cheer and such, and Rob Van lunges at him on the other turnbuckle to kick him. Anderson is beaten out of the ring, and Rob Van Dam jumps onto the apron and moonsaults onto Anderson.
Anderson eventually gets Rob Van Dam on the turnbuckle for a superplexz but gets shoved off, but then NUTTED on the turnbuckle is Rob Van by Anderson who gets the superplex for realsies. By the way, someone on the Twittering wondered why Rob Van Dam is wrestling with a shirt now. Obviously; he's old and fat. What're you, stupid? Anderson stomps on Rob Van Dam some and puts his boot on his head, then picks up Rob Van Dam to slowly pick him up then irish whip and clothesline misses, but the generic back elbow hits him.
Clubbign blows and crossfaces and such is spoken by the commentators but I dunno why. ANderson chinlocks Rob Van Dam but since this isn't WWE and Randy Orton HADAOIRW RVD gets up and knocks him off, and Anderson has to jump on him and pin gets 2. I apparently lost my focus and wasn't apying attention so I looked away, but NO WORERIES: it;'s still a bunch of punching and such. Rob vVan Dam is apparenlt in the sam eboat as me, as he trips over Anderson after punching him up and has to catch himself on the rope, then does a sidekick on Anderson that was very difficult to believe. Splitleg moonsault hits on him but pin gets 2.
Irish whip and Anderson pulls Rob Van for his shitty shitty Green Bay Plunge thing and pin gets 2. Anderson tries a SWANTON BOMB from the top rope thing but misses and Rob Van goes up to do a Five Star Frog Splish but Anderson gets the legs gets the knees up and it was a bad landing for Rob Van Dam.
Speaking of somnething or other, Eric Bischoff appears and calls over the referee, and whispers to him. HUHHUHUHUHUHUH WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NAO!?!? They argue some, and Bischoff says I SAID FOLLOW ! Or something. He's basically pulling the referee back with him, and they walk up the ramp with Bischoff talkin ugly at him. Some random generic music plays, and oh yeah, it's Jeff Hardy's new thing. Hurrdurr. He comes with a steel chair and hits Rob Van Dam in the back with it, then Ken Kennedy in the back with it, then sets it up with Anderson's arm in the chair, and then Twist of Fate's Rob Van Dam onto the chair. It was more liek a TWIST OF HATE says the Taz. HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAH! HASHAAHAHA! HAHAA! HA! HA! hAS! Puns.
I guess that's it? THAT'S IT! EVERYONE GO HOME NOW!
TNA YAY: Fun show, great show, truly the greatest show I've never seen because it was that uniquely terrible!
TNA BOO: It was uniquely terrible.
TNA WTF: You're a wrestling show, and you go a full hour without a single wrestling match? TRULY WE WERE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER! I remember one time I was at my job, and I went a full week sitting in my cubicle, with NO WORK AT ALL PERIOD to do. It was fun. I bet TNA's having fun, too.
Keep putting on shows like this so I can quit early. Also go play on my Twitter Captain Halo
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THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).