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I have a job to do here. I didn't want to today. I was all like "This is gonna be fun---BLAAAARGH!!!" I have to do the job. Time for the Best Damn RAW Recap Period!

Speaking of my own stupidity and slacking off on my job, I saw a commercial involving music, and I was inspired to make a stupid photoshop image based off of it that is stupid as hell and likely very obscure. You win a big prize if you get the reference without cheating.


So, three hours later, I return to my job thing. And for some reason, we get a video package featuring Chris Parks squealing, and Mick Foley seemingly betraying him for some reason. Man, Mick Foley and Chris Parks wrestling would be more confusing than that time I recreated the ending to the WWF Royal Rumble 98 in a video game with the final four down to Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Billy Gunn.

Welcome to iMPACT and we open with no open but instead a fat, flannel-wearing, stringy-haired, masked loser in the ring, and SHOCKING SWERVE!--it's NOT Mick Foley! Haha, see what I did there? I'm implying Chris Parks' former gimmick of Abyss has now become a TOTAL Mankind ripoff! Thanks, Russo!

Parks says he's making himself feel at home, by stringing out some barbed wire and laying out thumbtacks around the ring. He's all squealy whiny, then says Mick Foley's never bled like he's gonna make him bleed at Bound For Glory. A large amount of people boo. WHO IS THE HEEL? BOO? He then says he challenges him to the signature match of hardcore wrestling everywhere... an entirely TNA-exclusive creation never ever used outside of TNA, the Monster's Balls match! Who wrote this shit?

Chris Parks squeals that he's gonna beat Foley's ass, and "ass" is uncensored. SUCH FILTHYNESS? SOCIAL DISORDER OF A VIOLENT SORT THAT IS LACKING IN GOVERNMENTAL INTERVENTION!

Mick Foley arrives, incredulous that Chris Parks wants a Monster's Balls match at Bound for Gory BUT NO LEMME TELL YOU SDOMTHING Chris Parks interrupts, prompting LOTS of boos to Chris. He says Mick Foley referred to him last week as a cheap facsimile, which I'm pretty sure I mispelled. Then he says Was he a cheap ripoff when he main evented the first ever Lockdown in 2004 against AJ Styles?


He then asks repeatedly if he was a knockoff when he competed against Sabu in the first TNA barbed wire match, or when he beat Sting in 2007 for the TNA Championship, but not really since it wasn't invented yet, and so what he actually won was the NWA Championship? No, says he! It was Chris Park[sic]! ABYSS!

People are chanting "Foley!" now, and Chris Parks says while he was spilling blood, Foley was writing children's books and playing with sock puppets. And when Chris Parks was READING children's books and playing with sock puppets, Mick Foley was spilling blood and losing an ear.

Chris Parks does some awesome insane troll logic by saying that since Chris Parks is hardcore, and Mick Foley USED to be hardcore, then that must mean Mick Foley is a ripoff of Abyss. Chronology doesn't work that way, Parks. He then says Foley is half the man he used to be. And he has half the brain that you do.

Mick Foley says he never said Chris Parks wasn't hardcore, and says he will be a major star in TNA in time to come. HAHAHA. He then says that since he's suddenly regained his executive power somehow, he's banning the $50,000 bounty on Abyss. Chris is still up for hunt, I suppose. Foley then says Chris Parks had better bring his AJ at Monster's Balls, because Foley is bringing his. Bang bang! Sexual innuendos!

SPEAKING of in-your-end-o's, Foley says he's going to (nipple)tweak the match some! He says that since Chris Parks has gotten a little addicted to some psychological advantages of some kind, so he bans thumbtacks, and says if Chris Parks uses thumbtacks or bring sthem to the ring, he loses. SPecial guest referee, too: Terry Fun---HAH you wish! No. Disappointment abounds: It's Doctor Stevie.

Doctor comes out with Daffney, who has a spiffy hat on the side of her head pointing diagonally. Also, tits. Doctor Stevie now mocking Chris Parks and saying he's alienating everyone again, even alienating his idol Mick Foley. He then talks ugly about how his mother doesn't love him. He's all crying and sobby, and now Lauren comes out! Doctor is all like "Oh great! Look at this! Go ahead, Chris, hide under the skirt of a $20 a night streetwalker!" HILARIOUS as hell fast-ass zoom-in of Chris Parks while people go "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Since I'm so awesome, and have mad skillz, I made this visual representation for you:


Chris Parks slowly gets back in, while Daffney looks evil and laughy. Chris is all up in his face like "What did you say?" And Doctor is all like "Oh, you didn't hear me? Okay, I'll repeat it!" and he proceeds to repeat it. Chris Parks is all sobby and says "That's what I thought you said," Then he grabs Doctor for a choke thingy, but DAFFY knocks his balls with her fist, then snappily fixes up her spiffy hat.

But noesz! Mick Foley runs in, only to bring the barbed wire bat to press against Chris's head. OMFG Matt Morganite comes to throw Doctor out of the ring, and have his music play while he does nothing else but look intimidating and trash talk silently and such.

BACKSTAGE now with Germy Borash and the World L33t. Eric Young says the war between them and the MEM is over, and says it's a World L33t victory. Lolwut? "We invaded Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan proceeded to obliterate the shit out of us, but we managed to shoot their president in the foot. Mission accomplished!" Rumor that Yung will face Hernandez at Bound for Horly, but Eric Young says he does not deal in rumors, and he says Hernandez is dead to him and the world Elite. That was pretty much all it and stuff.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Lawn Order SUV typically starts with some arbitrary unexplained shit that may be relevant to the main storyline, and typically ends abruptly without much, if any, explanation or final resolution.

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with the same Jerk Borass talking to MEM. Kurtle freaks out on Jay Bee, threatening violence when he says Eric Young declared wictory. Kurt says that any man who takes out Eric Young receives $30,000. He then says that's how they declare war. What the fuck? So basically there's no loyalty in the Mafia? He has to treat his underlings like they're mercenaries? They need to be bribed to do anything important?

Kevin Nash vs Hernandez

Michael TNA says "Nash is in it for the cash". Die. Hernandez stands in front of Nash and shoves him, then they LOCK UP! FAILURE AHOY! Nashicles hits his shin, then elbows, then gets him into the turnbuckle, as per Kevin's siganature movelist and chance to rest. He punches and knees and elbows and nothing else. Hernando fights out of the corner, irish whips, but Kevin Nash ain't running! He reverses that shit so he can not run. He boots Hernandez, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Now an irish whip but Hernandfez revarses and Kebong hits the steel post.

By the way, I'm not recapping Global Impact 2. Fuck you.

Nashicles gets whipped into a metal guardrail. Then thrown into the ring and now Hernandez starts shoulderblocking him in the turnbuckle, then whips into a corner to do some kind of failmove that results in only an elbow, then a slingshot shoulder. OMFG ERIC YOUNG IN to just fuck up this FIVE STAR CLASSIC! by basically just sliding through Hernandez's legs, and tapping at one of his legs. Then a piledriver on that OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE as Young now snatches the title from the referee, then points at Kevin Nash all like "You owe me"...

... Is this not the same fucking Eric Young who just said they beat the ME in war and now it's a guerrilla conflict where Kurt Angle has ordered his faction to kill Eric Young? Were the writers even in the same fucking room as the bookers when this shit was made?

Backstage now with Chris Parks catching up with Matt Morganite, who is all like "Can I help you?" because clearly he doesn't give a shit about him, which is why he ran out for absolutely no reason to break up the beatdown on him. Chris Parks is all like "are you with me?" and stuff, and Morganate yells at him, and then they laugh and are all like "yay let's work together!"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Amanda Grayson told Dr. McCoy that Spock used to play with a little teddy-bear-like creature as a child. To save face as a cold badass, Spock then adds that said creature has SIX INCH FANGS. As in PENIS-SIZES FANGS!

Backstage...again... this time with Eric Young in a hallway and Kevin Nash all "you sure it's a good idea to be anywhere near me?" but Eric Young's writer finally realized that there was still war between MEM and World Leet and says Angle put a hit out on Young's head, and Kevin logically says "What stops me from snapping your neck?" But Eric Young says he will give him double the money to return the favor of helping Eric Young in his match at Bound for Glory, so he proposes making it a three way (ooh yeah, baby) for the Leges title. Eric and Kebong take out Hernando two on one, and Kebong keeps his title. Kevin's all like they have a deal and such, because Kevin Nash is clearly not any sort of veteran in the wrestling business.

Backstage with Hernandez apparently hurting his neck again, and yelling in Spanish into the microphone.

Amazing Red (w/o even a fucking jobber non-entrance) vs Samoa Joe for X title

Red looks all tiny and Rey Mysterio-y. Joe lunges at him several times, but red bounces around, then dorpkicks and weak-ass kicks to the legs. Then he tries to run at him, but Joe lifts him up and slams him onto his gut on the mat. Now some fast as shit, now a chop to his back, then a kick to his stomach, then a knee dorp to him. OMFG THE BOSS BOBBY LASHLEY randomly comes out for no reason. Oh wait, yeah, to avenge the butt-rape from last week.

Amazoring Rod gets a missile dorpkick, then OMFG ENZUIGIRI! People chant "He's Amazing!" as he starts doing moves on Joe on the turnbuckle, but the second time around, Joe catches him in a standing Rock Bottom, now Joe has him in a turnbuckle, kicking on him. Shot to Lashy. I swear EARL FUCKING HEBNER just shouted "Get on back, nigger!" although it sounded kind of like "Nizzher". Or maybe he said "pleasure". Joe keeps arguing with EARL FUCKING HEBNER, and a shot gives us a shot of Red just fucking dead in the ring, not even exploiting this.

EARL FUCKING HEBNER lets Babby Lashley into the ring for no reason except Samoa Joe's insistence. Rather than disqualify the fuck, he lets Bobby killshit Joe, then give a Full Nelson Slam. Red wakes up and does a spinny-do taco fly, then a standing Shooting Star Press and wins.

WINNAR + NEW X TITLE: Amazoring Red

Really? That's what the X Division title is worth in TNA these days? Actually, this is kind of EXACTLY the way Santino Marella won the Intercontinental Championship the first time around! Think about it: Latin Foreigner (WWE: Italian/TNA: Hispanic) with no entrance in a no-way-you-can-win match against a big fat unstoppable Samoan (WWE: Umaga/TNA: Samoa Joe) who is midcard champion, gets distracted and beaten up by Bobby Lashley (WWE: Bobby Lashley/TNA: Bobby Lashley) so that scuzzlefuck can steal the win and the totally meaningless title.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'mma let you finish watching TNA iMPACT!, but ECW's got the best wrestling show out there today!

Backstage with Samoa Joe shrill and shrieking semi-coherently. He basically says he'll kill Bobby Lashley at some point at Bound for Glort, and that a war is on.

Daniels Suicide (their words) vs Homicide and His Holy Father Blacka-dick I w/o Any entrance whatsoever. Not even a name-bar thing.

The Pope immediatelyt attakcs the sinner, while Homicide attacks DANIELS DANIELS and fighjts on the outside. Suicide hits an STO on the Pope, then Homicide comes in to save him. See, His Holy Father teams up with Homicide because his first name is actually "Justifiable", so it's not a sin. The Pope suplexes Suicide, then drags him across the ring to tag in Homicide, who elbows Suicide on the floor. Now he beating on Suicide and such.

What if Suicide ISN'T Kaz?

Speaking of which, the Pope did some kind of move on Suicide involving slamming his back onto his thigh. But nao Suicide taking ctarl, but then Pope and Homicide double team him, and now Homicide tagged in to put his legs on Suicide's head, and pose. Tagged in the Pope, and Homicide poses as the Pope does a second rope fistdrop thing. Then he gets him up for a snapmare, and a jumping kneedrop thing. Now Suicide coming up, The Pope taunts Christopher, then whips Suicide, but Suicide slides out.

Homicide rushes over to His Holy Father from the apron, so Suicide rushes over and double clotheslines them both, so Homicide falls off the apron. Christopher Daniels gets tagged in and attacks the Pope. Daniels-san whips the Pope, then runs at him, but the Pope bocks him up, and climbs the top rope, only to be caught in a Digital Video Disc, and almost pinfalls, but Homicide breaks it up. Then he flies out of the ring when Suicide rushes at him. Lolwut? He's randomly screaming at the Spanish commentators now. He slaps the non-Hector Guerrero one, and Suicide comes to the rescue. Homicide is still all pissed.

In the ring, Daniels Daniels gives a standing Rock Bottom to the Pope, and is distracted by Homicide and Suicide fighting, for the Pope to hit the Elijah Express and pinfall.

WINNAR: Homicide and His Holy Father the Pope Blackadicktus the First

Backstage nao with Kurt Angel and Kevin Nash, bitching about how Kevin didn't kill Eric. Angle completley ignores his earlier statement of offering money by saying "we're family, we're loyal" and such. Kevin is still focused on double. "Double! Double!!!" Kurtle needs to speak to the suddenly powerful-again Foley, and leaves Nashicles.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Semper Fudge

In the ring now is a bunch of heels and faces ignoring the chance to kill each other. Mike Tenay in the ring too to be useless, where EARL FUCKING HEBNER not only has an ugly mustache, but will make things official with a clipboard for everyone to sign. It is for the TNA Tag Team Championships AND IWGP Tag Team Championshits. Russofication abounds, as apparently one person wins for the team by grabbing one championship, and the other one, etcetera.

See, here's what pisses me off: Angle just basically said there is a state of war between the MEM and World Elite, and yet here are two members of the MEM and two members of the World Elite standing side by side in solidarity against the faces.

Time for Booker T's speech: "I te-ay! Hey, I teh yih, whas go be final! Whas go be final uh up sah fa de wuh, is we go whup! sum! body's! aah!"

James Storm then has something to say: "Sorry about your damn luck!" I loved it when he said that a bunch.

Everyone decides to fight now, and it pisses me off that the MEM and World Elite aren't fighting each other. Somehow a table ends up in the ring, and the BLACK MAN has to be laid out on it, for the WHITE MAN to set up the ladder to climb up, but Sharmin comes to save him... or else whatever the hell hugging him and looking up is supposed to do. A topless Big Roid Terry comes in to throw away the ladder. He then gets easily beat away by Team 3Dicles, but now Steiner and Booker double slam Devon through the table. HAD to be the black man, huh? HUH>!?? WHAT'S GOOD, NIGGA?

FINALLY they remember their storyline, and the MEM attack the World Elite. Big Roid Terry kills them to stop them from dominating the midcarders. Oh wow, Buh Buh just fucking abandoned his partner in the table wreckage. Nice one, racist.

Random Commercial Bluh Blub dee bluh: "Paranormal Activity" first came out screened in October 2007. OCTOBER 2007. And it was never released on DVD or Blu Ray since that time. Can you fucking imagine that? In a few weeks, you could be watching a NEW film that was fully completed when Heath Ledger was alive.

Back with the Horrible People now. Some sexy black-haired woman has joined them. Oh, it's Cheerleader Flash. Also, a tranny somehow ended up among them.

The Horrible People and Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde and Christy Hemme and Hamada

Fatty and Tranny start off, and the fat one starts doing some bland and generic moves before Traci easily dodges a springboard moonsault. Sloppy kick attempt is dodged, reversed, Hamada back kicks Traci----all of a sudden, we're told there is elimination tag team rules here. WCW abounds. This is why the announcers in WWE ANNOUNCE match stipulations. Fucking morons.

Oh yeah, Hamada tagged in Christy Hemme, handing over a broken Traci Brooks, and the loveable redhead did some kind of move, then subsequently fucked up, and... whatever move that was Traci did, it was either horrible botched, or is the weakest piece of shit move I've ever seen in the TNA Knocksouts. AND THAT PIECE OF SHIT MOVE GETS CHRISTY ELIMINATED!

Taylor MILDE in to attack Traci, for some boring wrestling. Alissa distracts Taylor so Traci can be a transexual, and then clothesline. Nao Raisha Saeed gets tagged in, to do some real wrestling, now with an awesome Mexican Surfboard thing, finished with a BOOT of her onto the mat. Pinfail. Taylor picked up for a scoop slam attempt but Taylor slips out, then does a Backcracker.


Hamada somehow gets tagged in, dropkicks from the top rope, connects, and now they exchange fake-ass punches and elbows. Hamada runs at the Alissa one, knocks her out of the ring. They start punching on the outside. PUnchies! Pouncing! They rolling around on the floor beating on each other, rolling around the outside, and they both get eliminated by count outs. Velvet Sky ends up in the ring to be killshitted by Suriduh.

Suriduh and Taylor double team, then pinfail on her. The Horrible People will be on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine. The Taz says "Wasn't Vince on the cover of that?" And Mike Tenay says "Russo?!" Huge awkward silence, then they completely ignore that statement, while Velvet Sky does a DDT on Taylor Wilde and elminates her. Sarita tried some kind of flying move, but Velvet just stepped aside and she smashed into a pile of failure on the floor.

Traci Brooks gets tagged in to fill the ring with fail, and she gets quickly eliminated. Now the Horrible People beat on Suriduh, and Velvet Sky now alone with her to beat on her and tag in Kelly Kelly. Double irish whip, Suriduh flips over them, then grabs onto Velvet, chucks her at the other one, and rolls up Velvet Sky to eliminate her. Kelly Kell y tries to do a suplay, but fails and gets it reversed into a pinfail move. She tries to do something involving running and trying to clothesline, but Sarita rolls her up.

I love/hate, more hate than love, how Sarita just isn't even trying anymore. Just rollup attempt over and over. Alissa Flish appears to distract the referee so Lacey Von Erich can attack Sarita and chokeslame her. She's dressed prettily enough, but she's still ugly when you see her face. Oh yeah, and Sarita is eliminatedod.

WINNAR: Madison Rayne. Who?

BACKSTOGE now with Mick Foley looking at his barbed wire bat and Kurt Angle whining, saying how it's been a long day, and he wants no games, no Have a Nice Day, no thumbs up, no "Bang Bang!", no socks, no chipmunks, or something. Mick Foley wasn't playing. He slams his bat on the desk, and says leaving Chris Parks in a pool of his own blood wasn't playing games. He's not going to play games teaming up with Kurt Angle. NO GAMES! NO GAMES! NOO GAMES! His words, those last three sentences. Just to be an asshole, too, he says "Have a nice day!" to Kurt as he leaves.

BACKSTAGE with Matt Morgan doing pushups, and Chris Parks Mankinding in the corner. Morgan's all pumping him up by saying "What do they get?" And Chris says "PAIN!" and it gets to a point where he bounces up, does his retard handclap, and goes "PAAAAAIN! HAHAHA!" then goes "MICK. MICK. MICK. MICK." while wnadering off. Faggot.

Steve Borden comes to the ring with Sting's music and such. OH MY GOD, COULD THIS ELDERLY MAN BE THE ICON STING?! No, I don't think those kind of stupid identity jokes are stupid. I enjoy them all the time. Sting says last week he thought very cereal about the things AJ said to him, especially that whole difference between passing the torch and just not wanting it anymore. Sting talks about stuff, then says every time he's in the ring, he brought his best, even when it wasn't good enough, it was still his best.

His knee-jerk reaction to AJ's initial offer was to be all like "YES I TAKE YOU UP ON THE CHALLENGE" because it's what Sting does. He say at Bound For Gloryhole, he will bring his best and such. And if it's not good enough, then it will be Showtime Eric Young for the last time.

OMFG KURT ANGLE comes out all suited up in his business suit and all like "Whoa Sting, what were you gonna say, Sting? Retire? Is that what you were gonna say? Come on, Sting, say it. Retire." He says maybe he should have retired before No Surrendar, when he and LAJ pulled off that little scam, where Stink literally hands A Jay the heabyweight title, and then gives Stink a title shot at Bound for Glory. See, Kurtle gets it. He says they should change the name of the show from TNA iMPACT! to The View, so Sting and AJ can kiss each other's asses for the whole two hours. Fifty bucks says ratings wouldn't move a fucking inch either way.

Kujrt Angle's not gonna just go away. Oh God, so boring! He says he needs to beat him in order to be the best, woo. Kurtle knows it, gratuitously extending a boring promo on longer than it should be, the whole world knows it. So do us a favor and retire before Bound for Glory so a real chumpion can main event instead of a washed up hasbeen. Sting angrily demands that Kurt make him retire, right then and thar. They stand off, and security guards rush in to break them up despite there being no fight. Kurt makes like he's gonna leave the ring, but attacks Sting and manages to put Sting in an ankle lock while security guards pretty much do absolutely nothing except hold on to Angle. AJ Smiles runs in to save Stingg. Angle's all like "I want my shot, AJ~! You can have Sting at Bound for Glory, my schedule's full anyway." Then is all like next week they wresu.

AJ rednecks it up, amounting to "You want me? You got me! We'll settle this one way or another, Kart" Boy, everyone is just on their way to smashing the shit out of Ric Flair's 16 time world championshipness.

BACKSTAGE now with Lauren and AJ, because I skipped a commercial thing up. AJ doesn't like how he won the TNA Championship at the pay per view, and he knows Stingk basically threw the match, so AJ has stuff to prove to things and people, so next week he will establish a match against the laws of TNA saying "We make the matches, not individual wrestlers" against Kurt Angle.

Bound for Hoary rundown, which looks like shit as always. I highly doubt Kevin Nash vs Eric Young vs Hernandez will be anywhere near watchable. Monster's Balls match has the hilarious Gratuitous English subtitle of "Hardcore Extreme", which is like saying "Bad stuff made Badder"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The preview teaser for "New Moon" I saw consisted of "Pretty white kids with problems" all talking to each other. Then a random shot of someone jumping into the air and becoming a wolf. End teaser.

The Murder guns are out now. I highly doubt they have any fan submissions yet, since this is clearly filmed the hour after last week's show was filmed. They're all like, their entrance music is horrible, and it was what made Consequences Creed throw up last week. Here's their new music video: exact same entrance, but this time with generic gratuitous rock! But this time, with lyrics!

Uh ohsz, Samoan Joseph arbitrarily attacks them from behind, then enters the ring to their new music. He gets on the microphone and squeaks "BOBBAAAAY!!" then squeals like a baby wanting Lashy out to kick his ass n such. fjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjfj oops, sorry. I usually do that to be annoying in online games. Bobby Lindsay comes outand Samoa Joe attacks him and they exchange bitchfists at each other while Lahsley follows him to the area behind the commentator's table, attacking and shit, and the Spanish Commentators, clearly more genre savvy than their old WWE equivalents, literally are just like "FUck this shit" and leave. One of them even puts his hands up to the camera as they leave.

Samoan Joseph lays Bobby out on the Spanish announcer's table, then starts climbing the rafter/scaffold behind it. The announcers act like retards, incapable of understanding what Joe is doing. Joe elbow dorps off of it, through the table. The table literally falls apart without breaking at all---five blocks of cardboard held together by gravity. Bobby falls off of the little height that the table was on. Samoa Joe is left on it, and there's literally no part of the table on it.

BACKSTAGE NAO where Bobby lashy being looked after by medical people.

Look people, I'm bored. I don't want to stop because I'm bored an dI want to get through it, but two hours is just too much time for this goddamn show. At the very least, it needs to be cut by half an hour. Good God.

Tarantula Girl, the Freakshow with a Stupid Gimmick based Entirely Around Carrying a Tarantula around vs "ODP"

Now they face off, and start off, and ODP shoves Tara's face, then slaps at her chest. Tara gives soem fake-ass punchies, more fake-ass punchies, then runs at her at the turnbuckle but ODP catches her in a move, but Tara escapes, does a rollup which is reversed into another which fails. Tara doesn't even care anymore. She just tries to roll her up again, but now ODB gets a suplex in but Victoria reverses it, but then ODB reverses it, and nothing came of that. Zzzzz.

When I wake up, ODB catches her in a Fallaway slam. And since that was this match's only move thus far, she will win with that. But no, pinfail, because she wasted time posing.

OH NOESZ! Triple Kong comes out with her trademark sledgehammer, distracting stupid Tarantula, and ODB knocks her down. Useless So Cal Val is taken hostage by Oresum Kung, and rapey implications as she orders So Cal Val to put the tartantula thing on the floor, seemingly going to use the hammer on it. YAY FOR TAZ SAYING "looks to be just another victim here!" but Tara snatches the sledgehammer away, then ODB attacks her with some kind of move I assume is her finisher. Pinfall.


Backstage where Kurt is all bouncing around, while Mick Foley's all like "we're ready" and Angle's like "What do you mean 'we'?" Because see, he was referring to himself when he said "we're", implying that perhaps he is not alone. ALIENS! Or maybe stupidity?

Apparently Foley figured TNA officials were as stupid as TNA writers, and tried to sneak Doctor Stevie in as refere, but Ref Slippery Penis stopped that shit and ordared Doctor STEVIEEEEE and Daffney out. Daffney's spiffy hat is not amused!

Mick Foley and Kurt Angle vs Chris Parks and Matt Morganite

Match staerts with Kurt Angle and Chris Parks. Some stuff with Angle irish whipping Chjris, but Chris reversing, then clotheslining him when he tried to counter. Retard handclap, then a splash on Kurt at the turnbuckle. Attempted chokeslam is reversed into a rolling thing into an ankle lock. Mick Foley gets his barbed wire bat, and smacks Chris Parks in the back with it. Angle then lunges to take out his leg and Chris Park soars through the air before hitting the ground.

Foley tagged in now, and bneatrs on Chris Parks in the turnbuckle. FLANNEL ON FLANNEL, I CAN'T TELL WHO'S WHO. One of them runs at the other and kicks their face. Chris Parks apparently on the ropes now as supposedly Mick Foley sets him up, then runs at him and slams his legs on Chris Parks' back. Now Foley beats on Chris Parks, but Chris Parks starts punchies. Foley kind of collapses, but IT'S A TARP as he trips up Chris, then tags in Angle. Angle tries to Olympic Slam, but Chris Parks picks him up for his lame-ass "Shock Treatment" back breaker that looks like it broke Chris's ass.

Hot tag chance for both men. Foley and Morgan in, and Morgan just punches Foley once and Foley dies. Now Morganite on Angle. Side slam on him, then pose, then Foley attacks from behind. Now punches and stuff, attempted run, but he gets Discus Clotheslined. Pinfail. Mick Foley but not really knocks Kurt Angle out of the ring, then takes the barbed wire bat. Foley pulls out Mister Socko, and Chris literally just freezes up and does nothing. Matt Morganite boots him in the face and pinfalls.

WINNARS: Matt Morgan

The fuck was that shit?
This show's hitting the pit
When sense is made, they fall back to their stupid bit
with shit being stupid, and matches that suck
and nonsensical endings that just made you go "FUCK!"
This show is too long with not enough wrestling
A whole hour, at least, is the time they're wasting
Fuck you, I couldn't find anything that rhymed with "wrestling"
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).