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Good morning! I hear great things about this TNA episode. And by "great", I mean "disasterpiece", so let's watch it unfold together, "live" why not, and totally not the next Friday morning, hung over, hopped up on prescription medication and loads of coffee.

Speaking of hopped up, Abyss has apparently abducted Dixie Carter and chained her hands together.

Considering TNA management has done BUTT. FUCK. NOTHING, about him doing this to other people, this doesn't even need to be dignified with a stern talking-to. Also, this all seems like exactly the sort of thing Spike TV would start a-firin' people for doing---big heavy wicked man dragging a screaming, crying woman around like a slave and threatening her with vaguely sexual remarks while she screams for her daddy and he threatens to gorily mutilate anyone who stands in his way?

THIS IS PRIME ENTERTAINMENT YAAHUH~! I'm pretty sure Dixie Carter doesn't give a shit about the 101010 business when he's got her chained at the hands and out in the middle of the arena audience and such. DOES SHE PREFER JANICE OR BAAAAAWWWWB~!!!~!!11???~?//????

Only now does security in the form of NWA GUISE, D'Lo Brown and Al Snow, and Eric Bischoff come out to do anything. Two wrestlers fakebeat up on each other a bit too much; send in the entire security force. A homicidal maniac who has already maimed and mutilated many abducts a helpless woman who is also the boss of the company; send in tha clowns~! Saw VII this ain't.

Eric calls for us to go to commercial break, and Sting's music hits as Eric enters the ring. HOORAY INCOHERENT MEDIOCRITY! Mike Tenay says when we come back, we'll hear what CONSPIRACY THEORY they have cooked up this week.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Here's my hypothesis on the conspiracy theory: They are out there, they are hidden, we know what's going on, you don't know, smoke and mirrors, shock an' awe, we'll tell you but not right now, they are big trouble, we're the bad guys here, everyone loves the bad guys, so we're gonna see who the good guys and bad guys are, and know that the good guys always win, and the ghost of Hector Guerrero forced Chris Benoit to kill his family.

When we come back, The Pope is speaking for them all in the ring, and he says it's time to retract his statement from last week. He said last week that he was a no-good son of a Bischoff, but he says he can't be a no-good son of a Bischoff if he's out here running this one-trick pony show. STOP SHOOTING ELIJAH BURKE~!~!!!!

Then he says he's still doing the smoke and mirrors thing, black hats and white hats, Jews did WTC, Mayans 2012 Freemasons Illuminati Skull and Bones Five Jew Bankers NWO Hollywood Hulk Hogan. At 10101010101010, this entire storyline will end and everyone will go back home and in 2.2 months, the entire storyline will fade away and in another 2.2, no one will even remember it.

Bischoff says he respects the Pope, even though he's a nigra, and he don't know what he talking about. Honestly, I bet he really doesn't. Pope says Bischoff's made this perfectly clear that "this" is much bigger than him, and Bischoff admits it, and says he don't have a clue what's going on, and act as though they know wha'ts going on here.

No one knows what's going on here, Bischoff.

I'm out.

Backstage, they show how incredibly bad TNA is at handling new debuts by having Mickie James come in a car, and a camera guy come to say "What are you doing here?" and her saying "I guess you'll have to watch and find out"

If you honestly couldn't figure it out as soon as she appeared, stop watching TV, go read some books, and go back to school, because you are a fucking retard.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: TNA is the wrestling equivalent of Star Trek Voyager

Re-appearing from midcard hell burial, it's TEAM 3D... recorded EARLIER THIS WEEK in the middle of Times Square in New York. Bruther Ray talks about how they were born here in terms of their career, and they will make an announcement at Bound for Glory Hole that will change tag team wrestling forever.

Naming Rights for The Beautiful People
Madison Rayne and Tara vs The Beautiful People

Notice how I put the Beautiful People title for the Beautiful People. It's not even in doubt. Fuck you.

WINNAR: The Beautiful People

So many implants...

Abject stupidity causes Madison Rayne to yell at Tara, but then RANDOM BRUNETTE gets on the microphone to be all like in three days, the four of you at Bound for Glory Hole for the TNA Knockouts Title, and it will not be a tag match (HURRDURRR REALLY!?!?!?). I think this RANDOM BRUNETTE is Miss Tessmacher, which goes to show how much we're supposed to care. She assigns Mickie James to be the special referee. I love(read: hate) how her entrance video is just shots of her posing in skimpy clothes like a softcore nude photoshoot. She drops two incredibly stupid puns involving making an iMPACT and being Bound for Glory.

So many implants.

She says it's one thing she does, and it's make history. She say it will be to be the first person to hold every single important women's championship known to humankind. I don't even know how to approach that fallacy.

In a video recording at some point, Mick Foley is in Boston to shill his book, and talk about his match against Ric Flair and such. If I were a total newcomer to wrestling and I heard this promo, I'd laugh at its ridiculous stupidity and blatantly scripted/phony nature.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Two hours is way too fucking long for TNA iMPACT. Even with commercials rendering it an 85 minute show, it's way too fucking long.

Backstage, Dixie springs a leak in her swollen stupid-head and GROWS SOME FUCKING BALLS... and tells Eric Bischoff to fire Abyss. She wants him to do it NOW, TONIGHT, IN THE RING, NOW, GET THIS DONE, PLEASE.

It was the Star Trek reviewer SFDebris who once said in a Voyager video review something along the lines of: You know your show is bad when doing the sensible thing is so out of the norm, it's a PLOT TWIST.

That's exactly the case here.

Falls Count Anywhere(?)
Ric Flair vs Mick Foley

... Why are they having this match tonight when they have a similar match going on this Sunday? Nevermind, I'm stupid. Apparently it's SUPPOSED to happen this week; they mentioned it last week and I just assumed they were going to be smart and have this on the PPV instead of giving it away for free. Which goes to show how stupid -I- am for thinking TNA would even pretend to be smart.

They say it's a Last Man Standing match, yet Jeremy Fuckass said it was a Falls Count Anywhere. THIS IS TNA~! As SFDebris said of a Voyager episode, not even consistent with ITSELF in the SAME DAMN EPISODE~!

Ric starts by stomping and punching at Foley, because if you expected anything like Flair vs Inoki or Foley vs Helmsley or something, then you're stupid. Foley immediately starts bleeding as he blades behind the bandage put on his head from where he punched himself last week. Flair drags him out of the ring to slam him into the metal guardrail, and then do it again.

Foley nutpunts Flair to free himself, then rolls Ric Flair into the ring. Apparently, a copy of Mick's book ended up in the ring, too. Also, he stashed a barbedwire baseball bat under the steel steps, so he gets that and brings it in to bop it in Ric Flair's face, with Flair going down to blade himself, and kind of obviously drop something behind on the mat. It's kind of sad what being a disillusioned smark does; you just blatantly know when someone is blading.

Flair ends up out of the ring and just leaves, so Foley follows him, going towards the broadcast table, and Foley slams Flair's head into it, and Flair rebounds with a chop, and Flair and Foley go to the top of the ramp where Foley beats on him with the barbed wire some, then presses it on Flair's forehead. Flair gets up to pop him in the eye, then toss him onto a table randomly set up under the ramp with a bunch of stuff on it. Peopel chant "HOLY SHIT" and they cut out the audio at SHIT for an extremely awkward bit of audio clipping that sounds like shit.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Every year since 2008, I've asked; Why should I even bother buying this year's Smackdown vs Raw when they're going to release a NEW AND IMPROVED WITH MORE STUFF version the next year? It's really sad. I almost wish Ic ould just steal them instead, yet that would require me to actually care enough about the video games to do it.

Back, both are back in the ring, and during the commercial, Ric Flair beat up on Mick Foley with his book. Then he ripped it some and stomped on it. He then pours thumbtacks along the mat and gets blatantly set up to be back body dropped into them, and then rolls around in them slowly. Ho hum. Foley punches on him some, then falls out of the ring, and takes out the most arbitrary weapon in TNA/WWE Wrestling; the wooden board with barbed wire glued to it! So incredibly uncreative and unimaginative, I don't have anything to say about it. He runs at Ric Flair in the corner and smushes it against his face.

They beat up on Flair and such and Foley brings a table into the ring and approaches Flair only to be nutpunted by Flair's hand a few times. Then Flair lays Foley onto the table and punches on him. Then he gets the barbed wire board and slams it against Foley. Then he meanders onto the apron and crawls to the top rope and jumps onto Foley. No wait, he falls onto Foley through the table. They slowly get up, and Flair just blatantly flops onto the thumbtack pile.

WINNAR: Mick Foley

Foley's all like he would have been content to shake Flair's hand tonight, but apparently a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal is a deal wooo and he's gonna kiss Foley's ass literally. Anyway, FORTUNE comes out to stomp on Mick Foley, then ECW guys come to chase them away.

Eric Bischoff comes out, looking at all the trash in the ring and such. He calls out Abyss. Commercials later, he still ain't come out. Completely NOT Abyss comes out instead, in the form of Rob Van Dam. Apparently he's here because he wants to fight Abyss on Sunday, and he will leave the company if he can't. He says there's a code in the back; if they have issues amongst themselves, they solve it.

Van Dam, Abyss murdered and mutilated people. Firing him is far too kind an act.

Van Dam says either he convinces Dixie to not fire Abyss, or else she loses the whole fucking show. He leaves, and Bischoff saying "You got it" is cut off at the end for a video clip of Rhino screaming at Tommy Dreamer EARLIER THIS WEEK in Philadelphia while a bunch of people follow them chanting ECW and such.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: So sleepee

Speaking of sleepy, we get a video package thing of ORLANDO JORDAN AND ERIC YOUNG! REMEMBER THEM? NO? Nope. Orlando is helping Eric throw balls at something at a carnival or something, completely incapable of hitting a pile of blocks to knock it aside. Orlando then knocks it aside and hugs him. Oh the awkward homophobia from Eric Young makes this pointless video package worth it.

Ink Inc w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Orlando Jordan and Eric Young

Eric Young has painting all over his body and such. He backs into Ink Inc's corner for help and such, and gets shoved back. The match then starts with Orlando Jordan and Jesse Neal, and Eric rushes in to tie-up with Orlando Jordan, then tags in Shannon Moore. Why do you even care about the match at this point?

Gay puns being dropped by The Taz and Tenay and such, including an odd statement of "flaming" like a "pack of hemhorroids". Orlando fighting with Jesse Neal some more and such. He wristlocks Jesse Neal. Jesse Neal recovers, but gets spinebustered by Orlando. He then touches Jesse's crotch, and pins him by driving his crotch in Jesse's face. Eric Young wanders over to Shannon for some reason, and Orlando has to guide him out of the ring. Shannon Moore gets tagged in and kicks up on Orlando and such, then a tilt-a-whirl headscissor thing. He bounces from the top to moonsault onto Orlando.

Eric Young then rushes in with Shannon Moore to help him double team Orlando and irish whip Shannon into Orlando. Orlando ends up pinning him, and Eric Young points to Orlando's feet on the ropes so the referee can stop it. He ends up pinning Shannon clean for the win anyway.

WINNAR: Eric Young and Orlando Jordan

Eric Young ambushes the referee and pounces on him, then gets a microphone all like "This is for your own good, listen! Being as I'm the leader of this tag team" big laughs "and he's a card-carrying member of the world wide international tag team coalition, he and Orlando would like to forfeit this match. It was nevere going to stand up in a court of law, lots of misdemeanors and levies and fines handed out, it's all going in my report, but listen Ink Inc this is what I can do for you. I'll make some calls, pull some strings, I'm kind of a big deal around here. We got a show this Sunday, maybe you've heard of it, Bound for Glory"

I'm surprised Eric has heard of it. He then says they get matching Anchor tattoos and do this all again and such.

Now, CRIBS with Jay Lethal in New Jersey. He's here to show us the house he grew up in. He remembers his grandpa yelling at Jay Lethal when he first tried a backflip and failed it. He shows us how long his home's driveway is, and how his dad would park way in the back, so they all had to shovel the snow off the driveway to free the car. He talks about how a promoter in Ohio was gonna fly him to an event, but no no his father drove them all in his LETHAL MOBILE!

This is New Jersey where he lived and grew up and such. TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: At exactly 18 minutes and 45 seconds into the pilot episode [of Star Trek The Next Generation], the French captain says:

Picard: "Commander, signal the following in all languages and on all frequencies — "We surrender.""

Make of that what you will.

Backstage, Dixie Carter is told by Rob Van Dam of his thing, and she agrees that after Bound for Glory Holy, win lose or draw, Abyss is fired. She signs a firing agreement by Bischoff that at 12:01 AM on 10/11/10, Abyss is fired. She says this is important to Rob, beat him up before he gets fired.


Random generic music hits, and a pair of people I've never seen come out. The only reason I can recognize this is from late night talk show jokes and CNN Headline News; this is apparently a spoof of some show I've never seen called Jersey Shore, and this "Cookie" person is a parody of some "Snooki" person and this "Robbie E" person is supposed to be a guido. But his name isn't "The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer" so fuck him, who the fuck is he supposed to parody?

Anyway, shitloads of people boo this with what I can only assume, given the volume, is X-Pac Heat. I don't know what to make of this; I'm not "hip" with the MTV crowd like all of you. He says there is ZERO hot girls in Florida. Given that this "Cookie" person is currently in Florida... make of that what you will. He says all he sees is a bunch of grenades. Huh? She says INCOMING and holds him down. Apparently the crowd is too stupid to comprehend that you're supposed to chuck beer and trash into the ring at that point. TNA's copying WCW wholesale, why not follow suit in copying WCW fans, TNA fans?

So next week, these random parody people are going to be in the house. Tenay completely destroys the parody by wondering what Snooki and The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer will think about this.

Actually, if they called that guy "The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer" for real, it would have been a thousand times more hilarious a name, like "A Pimp Named Slickback", but no, TNA comprehends nothing of the sort.

Video package shilling Bound for Glory Hole, perfectly placed after TNA's latest Katie Vick drop. The Pope apparently thinks Bound for Glory comes about once every hundred years. Jeff Jarrett lies out the ass in saying that everything leads into Bound for Glory. Ric Flair lies out the ass by saying TNA's ratings and exposure increases daily.

Anway, time for the battle royal thing which will apparently have Royal Rumble rules. Way to be completely unoriginal TNA. Why not make it a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL and have some fun?

$100,000 Lottery Scratch-off Ticket Battle Royal
1) Ken Anderson vs 2) Kurt Angle

It is a fucking Royal Rumble. Anderson and Angle start out with their bullshit, and Jeff Harvey now out as number three. Jeff Hardy. I realize now that they completely gave up on having RVD be their main event player champion. Just as Anderson starts to kick Hardy's leg, AJ Styles comes out. Jeff double clotheslines Angle and Anderson. Also, commercials.

Commercials later, a shitload of people are in the ring now and out comes Tommy Dreamer now. Sabu, Douglas Williams, Chris Sabin, and one of the Bucktoothed kids are in the ring now. Anderson almost eliminated by he rolls back in and clusterschmizzery abounds, and out comes Jay Lethal.... and he's announced as X Division Champion. Fucking Jeremy Borash. Jeff Jarrett comes out now and I think someone was eliminated.

Pope comes out now, and Max Bucktooth is almost eliminated, but isn't. Pope almost eliminates Jarrett, but doesn't. Robert Roode comes out now. Apparently no one's been eliminated. Sting comes out now. More commercials now and Abyss comes out. He eliminates the first three people in the form of Jay Lethal, TEH DOUGLASS, Sabu, then Stevie Richards, then Chris Sabin, then Raven. A bunch of guys now ambush Abyss and start crushing him in the corner.

Sting then Stingar Splishes on the pile into Abyss, then tries to Stingar Splash Abyss bareback, but gets chucked out of the ring by him. Kevin Nash now comes out. Everyone apparently gives up on Abyss and goes to their own shit. Kevin now beats up on Abyss, knowing that the real money to be had is to beat him up and then go to Dixie for asskissing points. Matt Morgan comes out now. BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! He clotheslines Abyss. Him and Nash face off somehow.

I don't remember them being involved in any storyline feud before, but I don't feel bad because neither does TNA. They fight, and Samoa Joe comes in. He punches up Robert Roode, and Abyss eliminates Nash and Morgan, because having Joe ambush them would make too much sense from a feud point of view. James Storm comes out now, and Dreamer almost eliminated Abyss but gave up like an old man. Max and Jeremy Bucktooth get eliminated and Alex Shelley comes in, just in time for logical storyline feud building potential to be squandered.

Rhino comes out now, and KAAZ gets eliminated. Rhino goes for Abyss, and The Taz somehow things this is a bad idea. Why? Apparently because Rhino then gets eliminated. Like a boss. Jarrett gets eliminated.

Hey guess what: End of show.

Because apparently last week's idiotic end was just TOO FOR REAL to be left alone, they pull that shit again. What a show.

TNA YAY: Way to dig up Orlando Jordan and Eric Young from that burial and actually give them a clean win kind of.

TNA BOO: Everything else.

TNA WTF: Too much. The ending to the Battle Royal thing. You hype this shit for WEEKS, then finally give it to us... and just END it right in the fucking middle, when just over half the TNA lockerroom has come out, and there's no clear winner in sight? Also, Dixie Carter finally nutting up and getting Abyss fired, only after a few bodies were left in his wake. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen.

So yeah. CHeck out my Twittery page, and follow me, because I'm sure at some point I'll have something worth saying http://twitter.com/CaptainHalo

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).