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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(10/01/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Introductory monologue! Puny readers, open yourself to receive junk food for the ass. It's good for you, but may induce stroke, heart attack, and anal leakage of the mind.

TNA WRESTLING--

Chris Parks randomly comes out without music, and with microphone. He says the doctors said he cannot compete tonight, because he bladed hard last week. Well, of course, you're just some fat guy. Who do you think you are, Kane or Abyss or someone? Chris squeals he wants answers. And I do mean SQUEALS. People stupidly chant "We want answers!" Mick Foley's music proceeds to play throughout the arena at this moment, preceding Mick Foley's entrance onto the ramp, and down to the ring, carrying a barbed-wire covered bat, and proceeded by fake security guards.

Foley's shocked that Chris Parks thinks Mick Foley owes him, considering how much Chris Parks has taken from Mick Foley in terms of career, his LOOK, and his PERSONA. My God... it's full of sta--- I mean, he just politely said everything I've been saying for months. Foley is shocked and fat, and pulls the whole "I'M OLD! I DESERVE FREE STUFF!" that the MEM started out with. Foley doesn't owe Chris Parks anything. But Chris Parks wants to make one thing clear! His sinuses---no, all he wanted to do was to save him against Kevin. He came to the ring to SAVE FOLEY. People cheer, because they are whores.

Chris Parks says it was an accident that he destroyed the hideous picture. He says he went into the office to get the bat in order to save him. Somehow, in the process of this, stickyhead accidentally knocked the picture off the wall. What the fuck?

Mick Foley's pissage is coming from Chris Parks not having an invitation to his office, nor an invitation to take his bat. He says did he say HEY CHRIS PARKS, COME MESS UP MY TITLE SHOT! ? Logically, since Chris Parks proceeded to do all of this, I assume Mick Foley DID give him permission to do all of this. Chris Parks is a sad panda, but Foley pulls a Joker (re, says LOOK AT ME) and starts going all "I'M OLD! I USED TO WRESTLE AND DO STUFF YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE AROUND TO HELP ME WITH!"

He says a long string of German from when his ear was ripped off which differs considerably from the story he told in ECW, saying he didn't know how to say exactly what he just said now. TNA? CONTINUITY? NOT IN MY BACKYARD!

Chris Parks freaks and squeals and all like you WERE Hoodoo Brown (Fancy hunting rifle to whoever gets the reference) and squeals horribly about how Mick Foley inspired him and such. He then says this is how Foley repayed him, by showing them the scars or stitching from the forehead that he bladed himself from.

Mick Foley says Chris didn't get hurt alone, but he spent a couple of hours in the hospital getting shards of a VHS stuck in hand. Hahaha. That's awesome. Mick Foley brings a peace offering... it's the picture. That ugly as shit "Tweet & Tweak Connection" picture. Chris stupidly says "You fixed it!" And Foley says he didn't fix it because while it looks like the real one, it's not. It's a copy, it's a ripoff, and if anyone should know about cheap imitations and ripoffs, it's you, Chris. WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! BURNED ON FIYAAAARRRGH! FUCKING BAAAAAAARNT.

fire gif Pictures, Images and Photos

Chris Parks is like that copy; he's a cheap, lowrate, Mick Foley wannabe. This is all Foley's words. He then predictable smashes the picture over his head, which produces no shatter of plastic framing. The crowd gets a swing and a miss by chanting "YOU SOLD OUT!" for absolutely no reasonable justification at all.

Chris Angry! Chris get up, clobber on Securita. Chokeslams on the ramp, completely NOT like another big fat masked guy who chokeslams. Wink wink.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Your sister is a whore.

Backstage now with Chris Parks squealing and freaking out with Lauren. She goes running after him because he's all squealy and stuff.

Amazoring Red (w/ jobber non-entrance) vs Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Jabbar vs Jay Lethal and Victor Creed

It's arbitrarily a five man ladder match, but everyone but Red is a tag team. Everyone fights while Amazing Rod leaves. He pulls in a ladder, planning to simply end this match quickly, unless he's retarded. OH NOESZ! Macho Man Light (Dark?) just attacked him, and he reversed something into a floatover armdrag. Lots of running and flippy dodging and stuff. Back elbow, then a springboard hurricanarana and now Lethal is out and Creed is in.

Doctor Creed irish whips, then gets kicked to shit by Red. Now Sheik Abdul Jabbar attacks him, and Kiyoshi's island attack them and double teams. People arbitrarily chant "USA!" because Sheik was clearly not born in Minnesota. He breaks them apart, and starts climbing the ladder, but OH NOESZ! Machissimo holds onto his leg, and Doctor Creed legdropped his leg while on the ladder.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: Chris Parks backstage squealing and looking for Mick Foley. We return in time to see Sheik Abdul Jabbar do some kind of move on Creed. Fuck. Jay Lethal did his faux-Rock Bottom into a backwards falling move thing, now he reaches up for the title but the AMAZING INDIAN pushes him off. Yoshi Tatsu and Daivari stop him, but Red exploits them both with a bunch of nifty stuff, including rolling off Tatsu's back and hitting Daivari, then doing a spinny-doody Ternader DDT, spinny thing, spinny kick to the head on Creed.

Now a ... what the fuck? He did hurricanrana on Amazing Creed while he was on his knees, and a bunch of white shit spewed out of Creed's mouth. The Taz believes it might be vomit. Red climbs the ladder and gets the contract.

WINNAR: Re

MOAR backstage bullshit, which can be summed up like this: Chris Parks angry, shoving stuff, squealing "WHERE'S HE AT?!"

Jay Bee to be useless and interview Red at ringside when OH NOESZ! Macho Man says hold on, Terry Taylor, he stole that! The Taz says Red Rooster was awesome. MOAAAAR backstage bullshit of the exact same thing I posted above involving Chris.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "The Invention of Lying" is just one big, snarky, smug atheist jab at Christianity

John Bore Ass backstage shilling TNA Mobile, which is supposedly free of chareg. Doctor Stevie and Daffney appear randomly. Daffney teases on Jay Bee, to no reaction from his fruity self, while Doctor Stevie mentions something that isn't his ten throat surgeries, so I'm kind of asleep---OH NO he's facing the camera! He shrieks "YOOU! STOLE!! MY MONEY!!!!" and keeps shrieking at the camera. Now Batman growls, and then he backs his head away to howl, and suck. Volume =/= Psychology. Perhaps to prove that statement true, and to prove her own complete and total sanity, Daffney says to Jay Bee's "he's mad": "No, he's ANGRY! I'M mad!!"

Doctor Stevie (That's what he told everyone his name was) vs Kevin Nash w/ roasted nuts from last week

The Taz, you are wrong: Kevin Nash did NOT steal that money, because he DID end Abyss's career. Kind of. It was mostly over before he killed the rest. Doctor Stevie flees to outside, and Nashicles is out too. Daffney distracts with an electric stick of sorts, and Doctor attacks him from behind, then rolls into the ring for punches and stuff. Oh shit, The Taz just reminded me of something: Big Daddy Cool vs Big Stevie Cool!

Nash hasn't stood up since being rolled into the ring. EARNING HIS PAYCHECK! Now he starts to slowly rise, and gets caught in a sleeper hold. He calls it General Anethesia. It's not working. Nash stands up and slams Doctor into the turnbucikle, but OH NOESZ! Dazzney gave him the stick, but Kevin Nash boots him in the face. He then jackknife powerbombs Doctor and wins.

WINNAR: Kevin Nash

Backstage now with the World L33t walking WITH PURPOSE down the hallways. It's something that makes me laugh uproariously, because they're all serious and shit, but Homicide is bouncing around and screaming and 'woo'-ing and trashing pictures on the wall in Spanish.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If you can't have a good civics lesson, have a passionate one.

BACKSTAGE where Eric YToung has some kind of problem with the MEM which I do not even remember happening. That's probably how important it was. Young is given five seconds by Angle to say something. He magically finishes in five seconds or so. Angle is all "They shoulda known better than to get in my face" and Eric wants an apology, or else PROBLEMS!

Speaking of problems and speaking and problems speaking, HERE BE BOOKER T! And here be a transcript, straight from the hoof's mouth:

"Bra-muh, bra-- you know wha we diggibajoo pro, meh? Say ding we diggibajoo little JC Penney suit. Say ding we diggibajoo lil CSU. Say ding we diggiba all you little poo pux, you little group rah heuh. You bah-you bah gejjo azz whu'. Yoa dididjgidjhidjhijihjdi"

That's what the last bit sounded like. Eric Young says the World Elite needs the MEM, and Booker surprises me with coherency by saying basically "You damn right you need us, everybody needs us" but the MEM needs the World Elite more. ... Why? In what way have they shown themselves to be in any way necessary to anyone? They say they're younger, they're faster, they're younger, and they need tacos. Tacos sate hunger, right?

Eric Young gets racist as hell by saying "The leaders" ie, the white people, "are up here trying to have a civil conversation" ie, no monkey jibbuh-jabbuh, "so what I'm gonna need you to do" boy "is get in your spot back in line behind Kurt, and behind me" ie, back of the line, back of the bus, big black man. Booker freaks out and Eric is all like is this how you handle your members? And Booker's all like "You damn right!" as though saying Kurt condones shenanigans and such. Hahahaa.... handle your members. Angle wants no one screwing up the big picture, and is all like "Let's DO it!" Presumably in support of the next MEM match? Which is this one!:

Playboy something match Traci Brooks w/ fake tits and Chyna voice vs Christy Hemme

They both have bunny ears and tail on them. Yay Feminism! Mike Tenay says Hugh Hefner is a great feminist. Yay Chauvenism! The Taz backs me up on that statement. Traci Brooks kicks on Christy's stomach, and they both somehow lost their bunny ears right away. Now Traci choking Christy on the ropes, then runs at her and knees her in the back. Pinfail, shoving her giant plastic tits in Christy's face, because she knows Christy's allergic to silicone!

Traci tosses her across the ring, then runs as Christy kicks her in the face, then kicks her in the gut, and lifts up her leg to drop on Traci's face. Pinfail. Stomps on her fake tits. Christy on the top rope, and lifts her leg up to smash her STD-laden crotch on the mat, because Traci rolled away. Ow. Traci pinfails, and we get a closeup of her face, and good God, I'm scared. It's like a transexual. Christy arbitrarily rolls her up for a cheap-ass win.

WINNAR: Christy Hemme

Traci killshits her after the match, and I'm reminded of Mike Tenay's earlier statement of Kurt Angle only likes to be associated with winnars. She is not a winnar. Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Rule of thumb, Hassan: you can't kill the Messiah.

Back and Chris Parks has FINALLY found Mick Foley! We go back where Chris is on his back, and Mick Foley is just murdering him with the barbed wire bat. All of a sudden, he nosells all the damage and chokes FOley, throwing him into a pile of stuff, then punchies, and now security is on them. They all sound rather like the Putties from Power Rangers, with lower pitched voices. Chris somehow breaks free and attacks Foley, only to be dragged off again.

INTARVIEW EARLIER TODEY with AJ Styles and Stingh and Michael TNA interviewing. Redneck speak about AJ unable to stop thinking about Sting throwing the match to show people AJ can't win a title on his own. Thanks, Russo! Sting's all like "I don't mean this pridefully or arrogantly, but I don't know how many times I've been world champion", which kind of means he doesn't care anymore? AJ's all like "I don't mean to be disrespectful" and proceeds to be disrespectful, in the politest way possible. Overly dramatic music plays, as though this were Real World/Road Rules Challenge. AJ has one question for him in California, Bound for Glory.... Are you ready?

No, no, AJ says, AAAAARE! YOOOOOOU! RRRREADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!? He then leaves, and says he loves Sting. Bum-love?!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Sometimes there are so many things to be afraid of, I forget to be afraid. And that frightens me.

Tara comes to the commentators' table where she brings a Women's Small size T-shirt for Mike Tenay. Perfect fit, says The Taz! Oh The Taz! Curse your predictable homegrown homestyle homemade homely wholesome down-home family homegrown humor.

Awesome Kong w/ Raisha "Saed" vs ODB

Kong shoves ODB, and she goes to shove Kong. And by "shove" I don't mean teeny bitch-push thing teens do, I mean use their big-ass fucking forearms to pretty much clothesline them, but with the intent of pushing them. ODB can't knock down Awesome Kong and such. Kong shoulders ODB and sends her tumbling over. Tara says she considers BOTH AWESOME KONG AND ODB as ONE of the best knockouts in TNA. ONE. What the.

ODB somehow gets Kong down, and does a Bronco Buster which was actually very deep into her face. Hot Lesbian Action! Oh noesz! Kong has ODB in the corner now after reversing an attempted splash, and slams her and such. Kong then pulls her away and rubs ODB's face into her armpit. Rikishi sees what you did there. Now up for a scoop slam on ODB, then a leg dorp and PINFAiL. There's a suspiciously Kurt Angle-looking fan in the audience dressed as Chris Parks. I wouldn't think anything of it. Raisha "Said" randomly comes up to Tara to start shit up for no reason. Tara corners her into a turnbuckle, and Kong attacks! Grabs Tara's hair and pulls her up but OH NOESZ! Guillotine on Kong on the rope. The ref fails forever by not disqualifying ODB. ODB rolls up and winsz.

WINNAR: ODB

Taara's all in the ring happy that ODB didn't get disqualified due to her shenanigans and bullshit. Tara decides to be a bitch anyway by saying something we can't hear or understand. ODB then bumps breasts with her, and they get all angry and fighty and shovey, and people chant "FIGHT!", and OH NOESZ! ODB pops her one, and Victoria pops her another, and they exchange punches, and now a brawly fight, and Awesome Kong comes in to clothesline them both.

Kong picks up ODB of all people for an implant buster. Because she could have given one to that fat camera guy at ringside. She then gives Tara an implant buster.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: BREAKING NEWS! Gail Kim released from TNA!

Back. Kurt Angle comes out, and locks eyes with the suspiciously Kurt Angle-looking Chris Parks fan at ringside. I SWEAR this will come of nothing! You have my word as a marine biologist!

Kurt Angle vs Hernandez

Wearing a Bound For Glory T-shirt, I just realized the BFG thing they use for Bound for Glory events is the same as Big Fucking Gun. It all starts now with a lockup then a headlock by ANgle on Hernando, and Hernandez tosses him and shoves him down as he bounces off the ropes. Picks up Angle, and goes for a suplay, with loads of delaying, but OH NOESZ! Angle slides out and grabs Hernandez for a series of European Uppercuts. Hernandez gets up as Angle tries to bounce off the ropes for a PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOUN-SUH! Angle now on the apron and gets pulled into another suplay by Hernandez, and delayed for a long time. A long time. A long time. Now he slowly drops him. ANGLE is the first one up, though Hernandez gets up fully coherently, and runs at Angle only for Angle to dodge and give him a German suplay. Now punches by Angle on Hernandez, and kicks to the shin. More kicks to Hernandez's shin, then his calf. Stomps on his leg. Hernandez shoves him, but Angle gets back up and keeps attacking his leg. If this is basic wrestling psychology, it bores me. Where's the Id? The Ego? The Superego? Where's the Freudian slip? Where's the Oedipus Complay? Kurt gets on the top rope and jumps into Hernandez's loving latin arms, and brought into a sitout powerbomb for a two count. Why didn't the referee count to three? The world may never know. And by "world", I mean "my two dogs" because they don't watch wrestling. And because they're not sentient. Yet. Hernandez picks him up for a big-ass Awesome Bomb positioned thing, btu Angle slips out again and tries a German, but gets reversed and now ANOTHER Awesome Bomb into a thing that was not a Border Toss. Two count. 2.99999 count. And a third. Point eight. ANgle ends up outside, and Hernandez chops him and slams him on the apron side. Somehow the referee's counts ended up at 6. Ten count countout. WINNAR: The referee

ZOMFG World Elite now out to beat up on... both of them? The fuck? They'v got a bunch of people on Hernandez, and only Sheik on Kurt Angle. What are they, fucking stupid? To accentuate their stupidity, here comes the MEM to kill the fucking shit out of them, because they decided the big guy was more important than the Hulk Hogan with an nWo who have televisions in their rich-ass lockerrooms. YAY RUSSO!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Are they implying that Enzyte Bob is fucking all the women in his neighborhood?

BACKSTAGE NORW with MOSTLY USELESS SO CAL VAL with the Murder Guns, who have a HOOGE announcement. Last week, Mick Foley revealed something of vast importance to them: Their theme music is the absolute worst ever. CHris Sabin thinks differently, due to a recurring nightmare of him being chased by an angry mob chanting HAIL SABIN! because his old music sucked a dick even more apparently.

Robot Shelley then says THE FANSZ will now have to make new music for them and the winnar will get their music picked or something. It will be played over a highlight reel of their next week.

SPEAKING of disappointment, here comes the Beautiful People! That's exactly what The Taz said. Obviously out of context, as he eventually clarified that he meant they looked disappointed. Fool.

Velvet Skye says due to contractual issues, Angelina Love is no longer a part of the Horrible People. STOP SHO---BLUHBLUHHDEEHUUHUUUUUHHH! Velvet pisses on Angelina (because girls don't do poopy---those shit fetish video girls are transexuals) saying it's her fault they were evil cunts. Fat Kelly Kelly says they want to show people their true colors. Who the fuck is that? I swear I've never seen her before ever.

Closeup on the suspiciously Kurt Angle-looking Chris Parks fan at ringside. You have my one hundred percent guarantee as a marine physiologist that it is of absolutely no concern to you and you should ignore him.

Fat Kelly Kelly wants Suriduh and Taylor Wilde to come out so they can congratulate them on winning the tag team female things. Those two crusty bitches don't believe them and look sleazy and sarcastic as Velvet Skye tries to apologize. Ew, Velvet looks like a cousin of mine. Probably still hot for most people, but I knew that girl since we were little kids. Ew.

The Horrible People shake hands with them, all happy but OMFG The Horrible People were lying and attack them from behind! But... but... how?! The tag team champions quickly bury them, but then random blonde appears in the ring, and the commentators totally sell the shock of her by making an odd sound and being totally silent. Finally Michael Hunt says it's Lacey Von Erich. She does THE CLAAAAAAAAWWWWW!! on one of the other girls' faces. They do a sexy pose.

SPEAKING of sexy pose, how embarassing is it for me when my mother walks in on me while the camera is diving up and down the Horrible People looking sexy and blonde? Not embarassing at all? Well maybe. At least it wasn't porn. Or was it?

SPEAKING OF PORN! Here's Matt Morgan, and he lost his voice, because he's all soft spoken and harsh and whispery and such. And continuing the Hasselhoff "hoff" jokes from America's Got Talent, Matt Morgan says that Kurt Angle and Eric Young have "Pissed. Me. Hoff!" I think he should have said "You never 'Hassel' the Hoff!"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The Next Generation cast barely aged much between their TV show and the last movie ("Nemesis") but fuckdamn, the Original Series cast aged like hell between the show and the movies! DeForest and Leonard's faces got more wrinkly and old-man-y, James got really fat, gray-haired, and mustachy, Nichelle got shinier (I swear) and plump, George got ruddier and more fat-faced, Walter grew up into Donny Osmand-looking, and William... he just looks so damn different. The eyes look mostly the same, but so many times, he just looks so different between the movies and the series. And why did he grow a Jew-fro for the movies? I hate Steve Guttenberg.

Back with the Horrible People backstage, and Lacey Von Erich, who calls her comrades beautiful girls, and wants to take the ugly out of TNA. Start with yourself; GTFO bitch!

Eric Young comes out, with Sheik Abdul Jabbar's music, but with new guitar stuff over it. That's pretty much how the World Leet's music is; generic guitar shit, with a very loud and noticeable Sheik Abdul Jabbar's Araby vocalizing in it. Probably his music was the only one in any way notable beyond "Generic this side of the Jimmy Hart version"

Matt Morganate vs Eric Jung

Matt just shoves little Eric away, for him to get up and try to do stuff, but Morgan pretty much ME HE-MAN! no-sells and Young oversells Morgan's bigness. Matt pulls off his elbow pads, throws one into the crowd, and the other at the referee's crotch. Elbows on Eric's face, then a splash. And you wondered why I called pornography. Morgan does his "I'm a lazy-ass" move where he holds someone up for a sideslam, then drops them aside. The Taz makes reference to a "Mr. Swagger" OMFG FOURTH WALL! Eric Young raked Morgan's eyes and takes control off a missile dorpkick and such.

I have no fucking idea how Young expected such a move to work. He basically Suicide-d by jumping from the top rope with absolutely no fucking intention of landing on his gut on top of Morgan, or even stomping on him! Morgan's boot inevitably comes up to boot him. Morgan then puts Eric Young's head on the rope. For some stupid reason, he's blowing like a fish. And he sucks, too. Morgan does his slam over the body and sliding on the outside.

OMFG! Suspiciously Kurt Angle-looking Chris Parks fan hits Morgan with the steel chair, and it's KURT ANGLE! OH MY GOD I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL! THIS IS A MYSTERY! THIS IS A CATASTROPHE! THIS IS SPARTA! The entire World Elite and Mem decide to run down to kill the shit out of each other in a big borwal. Security now runs in and there's dozens of them.

Commercials came then went and it's still with the fighting and shit. People being pulled apart and the fucking bell ringing nonstop for periods at a time. That shit is fucking retarded. Why the fuck do they do it? It's not like we DON'T KNOW there's shenanigans happening. Do they honestly kayfabe thing all the wrestlers will stop and be calm if the bell rings enough times? That's the only thing I can talk about because it pisses me off. The rest of them are just fighting and such.

Completely arbitrarily, we go backstage to Joseph Borast and Team 3D and Bubby Lashy. Buh Buh Ray has a voice like Matt Morgan's, in that it's raspy and such. I wasn't really listening to Brother Ray, but typical "YOU STOLE OUR CHAMPIONSHIP" stuff and Bubby Lashley interrupts Bruther Devon's attempted OH MAH BRUTHA, and says in his baby voice "Testify"

Back from commmercials, and here be Beer Money to be at ringside and drink beer with the commentators.

British Invasion and Rhino "British War Machine" vs Team 3D and Bobby Lashley "Double Shot Espresso with Cream"

It starts with Buh Buh running at Rhino, and getting headed off at the pass by Brutal Mange. Mange, by the way, is a disease that afflicts dogs and cats. And it's brutal. By the way, Bruther Ray had dorpped an elbow on the mange. Now tagged in the black one and they double team him. Oh wait, I mean Brother Devon. Brutus tags in TEH DOUG, and Devon spears him in midair, then does a running leg dorp. Fans clearly show their appreciation for this match by Chanting "WE WANT TABLES!" I hate the TNA fans.

Bobby Lashley gets tagged in, where he punches up TEH DOUG, then arm wrench, only to be pushed into a turnbuckle and irish whipped which is reversed into a high as hell back dorp, then picking him up in a torture rack, and doing that piece of shit move that is more likely to make Bobby Lashley's knee tendons to explode than to even kayfabe do any damage to him. Change that shit, Bobby, you're supposed to be an MMA fighter.

All three of the bad guys leave the ring, when all of THE sudden THE Dug tags out to Rhino, and Bruther Devon is tagged in. FIGHTING AND IRISH WHIP and Bruther Devon knocks up everyone, but OH NOESZ! Big Roid Terry roids up and slams Devon's crotch into the turnbuckle. Rhino tags in Marcus Junius Brutus, and he beats on Devon, then tags in TEH DOUG again, and double arm wrench into a twisty around and pushy slam. Pinfail.

Brutus in the ring now, pinfail, headlock on the mat thing. Chinlock, it is. Since this is not WWE, Devon gets up in that boring shit, and elbows Brutal, then runs at him, Brutus attacks Bruther Ray, then taunts Bobby and gets slammed. And Devon arbitrarily falls on his ass. Hot tag gotten in on Bubby Lashley who bosses up on everyone, does a PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOONSUHH!! then a scoop slam, then some toss on Rhino, now he's dominating all three of them. Holy shit, big scary black man move as TEH DOUG tries to counter an irish whip into the turnbuckle by leaping up, but Lashley comes in fast as hell and catches him on his shoulder for a slam. I shall call the move "Big Scary Black Man"

Big Roid Terry STUPIDLY distracts the referee while the three of them nut-face one of them with Devon on the top rope thing. Now a double neckbreaker, then Lashy gets his stupid-looking reverse-DDT-positioned headlock submission which I shall call "Nigga I Didn't Steal Yo Bike, I Found It". The victim taps out, because Lashley is big and he is shiny and black.

WINNAR: Team Darkness with Cream

Lots of posing and Lashely wandering around the ring cheering when ZOMFG SAMOA JOE ATTACK! Puts Bobby in a Cock-ina-clutch, then only adds to the homosexual panting and tension by rolling his eyes back. I provide screenshot now.

OH YEEEEEUH. WHAT'S GOOD, NIGGA? YOU KNOW YOU LIKE DAT!

It gets harder every week to do a Good, Bad, Ugly thing rundown, so I will summarize it in a neat little shitty poem. And since the rules of poems is "Do what you fucking want, no one cares", it may not rhyme!

Despite being two hours, tonights show took only 80 minutes to make,
But it'll take longer than that to finally make me break,
Hernandez was up, Matt Morgan was down, we saw absolutely no AJ or Sting
But we saw some pointless fighting, sprawling all across the ring,
The matches were all standard fare, as in very few for an hour and a half,
The only thing I remember most was Angle kicking Hernandez's calf,
Daffney continues to be sane, Kevin just plain sucks,
Doctor Stevie says he owes him $50,000 bucks,
Also this show sucks.

The end.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, like it and love it. I honestly think this was my best show ever, so stick around next week for my next best show ever, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).