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How did you know I was trying to avoid doing the iMPACT this week? Aaah damn! Ever since I got that taste of NXT's sweetness, I've loathed to go back to recapping TNA. And it totally has NOTHING to do at all with the NXT being only 45 minutes without commercials.

According to my Documents, I should remember what happened last week on iMPACT. But... I don't. So... HEY, IMPACT!~!

Also, please subscribe to my twittery page! It makes me feel lonely when I twit stuff to myself.


I've gotten over the stage where I flood useless shit onto my twitter. Also, my background picture is not too visible, but it's a girl tied to a chair with duct tape over her mouth.

Speaking of which, video package of the Abyss squealing and murdering people and the tententententententen thing.

Backstage, Kurt Angle is on a cell phone talking to someone about how he will win the title at Bound for Glory Hole and such. His hand is so big, it looks like he's talking to himself. But it's his time to go, so he starts walking around backstage all like he gotta go the show's starting. Apparently he's talking to Hulk Hogan. His entrance starts and he goes and enters and such.

Apparently, The Taz says that Hulk Hogan wants Kurt Angle to take Abyss out in a steel cage tonight, which if you put ANY thought into that statement at all (TNA clearly didn't) you'd realize that Kurt is likely to get beaten the fuck up regardless of the outcome, and probably lose his match and his career. THANKS HULK HOGAN~!

In the ring, Kurt Angle's like he knows Hulk Hogan is in the hospital for yet another back surgery and get well soon and such and everyone chants Hogan for some reason. Angle says he wanna thank him for the talk that they had and only two men stand between him and the world title, Anderson Anderson and Jeff Harvey. Both are "great" competitors. Fuckup-- I mean competitorszzzz. He promises he won't let Hogan down on that big favor and such, and says Abyss has caused way too much damage in TNA lately. WOW REALLYT?! YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT FROM THE GENERAL APATHY OF PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE ELSE!~!

Angle says he talks about 10101010, well worry about 93010 where he cuts the CANCER out of TNA, which is somehow Abyss. Cancer DOES spread to infect other cells; Abyss ain't the source.

Abyss music hit and Angle ambushes him naar tht eramp and they start fighting into the backstage area. They fight. Abyss gets a ladder at some point and smashes it on Angle's arm and shoulder. GOOD LUCK AT BOUND FOR GLORY HOLE WHEN YOUR CAREER IS ON THE LINE! Angle recovers enough to nosell it and stomp on Abyss and such, until Abyss nutpunts him and then throws him into the lockers next to them. GOOD LUCK AT THE STEEL CAGE MATCH TONIGHT!~! Abyss keeps murdalating him, but Angle then nutputs Abyss, and punmches him up.

ONLY NOW does TNA security come to break them up. HOORAY DELAYED REACTIONS~!

After commercials, they're STIIIILL holding back Angle and Abyss. I'm so excited, I'm bleeding internally, or something.

Lumberjack Match
Beer Money vs Tommy Dreamer and Rhino

The other FOURTUNE and ECW Guise make up the lumberjacks. Beer Money stomp on the ECW guise as soon as they come in. Somehow Rhino and Dreamer dominate them (bullpies) and Dreamer gets on top of Robert Roode with an offensive beatdown, and.... apparently there's still tag team rules. TNA, put 2.2 seconds of thought into this:

Lumberjack match
Tag team rules

ANY lumberjack can just go and PULL OUT the non-tagged in guy from the apron and killshit him. He gets up into the ring and the referee THROWS HIS ASS BACK OUT ONTO THE APRON!

Speaking of stupid and fat, Rhino beats on Robert Roode and back body drops him, then tries to attack him but he flies out of the ring, only for Sabu to sort of... touch him, and throw him back in. NICE JOB LUMBERJACKING~! Roode gets Rhino into their corner and Storm kicks him in the head. Storm does a bunch of knee drops and leg drops on him, then tags in Robert Roode again so he can kick Rhino in the guts, and chop him up some. Irish whip by Robert Roode and he stops short to knock Rhino in the guts, then back drops him.

Beer Money then both get in and double suplex on Rhino, then BEER MONEY taunt. Rhino gets tossed into the FOURTUNE side of the out of ring, and they lazily pound on him... then back off like faggots when the old and broken down ECW guise appear. Rhino back in the ring and Roode punches him up, then sort of hugs him from behind. Rhino turns it around, and they exchange punches, then Rhino gets a belly to belly suplex.

Tommy Dreamer then ends up tagged in and he somehow dominates Storm and such. Dreamer looks even more homeless now with his unshaven beardface. He drops Storm into a CRIPPLER CROSSFACE but Roode stomps his head, only for Rhino to Cactus Clotheslines him out, and the Lumberjacks killshit Rhino, and NOW the FOURTUNE starts fighting the ECW Guise, as well as Brian Kendrick in a bathrobe. Funny stuff. AJ Styles spits something white trashy into Tommy Dreamer's eyes, and James Storm backcrackers him but pin gets 2. Tommy gets a Digital Video Disc on Storm and pinwins.

WINNAR: Old men

They keep brawling, and conveniently start to bring each other to the bottom of the ramp so that Sabu can set up a chair and jump on them. Mick Foley gets on the microphone all like he don't wanna see anymore fighting and bodies outside the ring. He wants to see just two individuals inside the ring, and calls out Ric Flair, so they can have a resolution. FINAL RESOLUTION? He tells all the ECW Guise to part the ways, they need to have a conversation.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Notice to myself; Stop twittering and do some recapping!

When we come back, they jabber at each other about ARE WE ON THE AIR WE'RE ON THE AIR and such. Foley wants to talk to Ric Flair THE MAN not the GAAD. So Flair turns around in a circle and says in true Frank Garrett style, "What do you want [to talk about] asshole?" Foley says it's time for the two to be specific to end their differences, and he knows Bound for Glory Hole is big but this is something that needs to be seen LIVE on national television.

So clearly has nothing to do with tonight. He says Mick Foley vs Ric Flair one on one NEXT WEEK for the very last time. Ric Flair just drops the microphone and leaves. He then... steals something from someone at ringside. It's Mick Foley's book. Some idiot chants "EAT THE BOOK" when he puts it in his mouth to grab his jacket. HE WANTS TO WRESTLE RIC FLAIR LIVE>!?! Countdown to Lockdown, watch this; Ric Flair stomps on it and elbow drops it and knee drops it a bit. I'm watching, so what? Book isn't even dirtied; Flair keeps his shoes clean as hell.

The answer is yes, you son of a bitch. Now, how you plan on getting out of it? But Foley ain't planning on getting out of it, there's a book review of the book that says FOley's writing is great, but wondering if he loved wrestling as much as his family or his writing or his outside interests. Up until a few weeks ago it woulda been no, but now when Ric Flair called him up, he inspired him and such, and now he wants to face Ric Flair in a match to bring the best out of Foley, because that last Jay Lethal vs Ric Flair match worked out so well for Lethal's career.

They both then start punching themselves in an BLADING CONTEST~! Foley is somehow bleeding from the mouth. Ric Flair will have his whole family here, like they were at his retirement (snort), but they won't be seeing his retirement. Etcetera, and he says Mick Foley IS EV2. THANKS A LOT, FLAIR, FROM EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP! Ric Flair calls Foley a stupid bastard, and that Tommy Dreamer said Ric is hardcore, and Foley says HE'S the stupid bastard because it took him 40 years to figure out he's hardcore. Ric Flair says whenever he opens his mouth, the whole world listens, and Foley says Flair's renewed and such, and Flair says Foley's balls are big again. Get those checked out.

Foley says he don't like Flair, but he don't hate him. Next Thursday night LIVE in the iMPACT Zone, they face not just in any match, but a Last Man Standing match. If Flair loses, he'll kiss Foley's ass on live TV. Flair starts wigging out like a freak and going "WOO" and such. Cane Dewey Promo this ain't. I'm incredibly disappointed.

Backstage, asshead fuckass Anderson WHINES AND BITCHES at Eric Bischoff because Hulk Hogan didn't call HIM up. Eric says Hogan is a creature of habit, and he carried a company on his back, and so did Angle, and they have a lot in common, don't read anything into it. HURRDURR IT'S COS THEY'RE BOTH CRIPPLED OLD MEN~! Bischoff says he'll beat Samoa Joe, and he is the leader and the future of TNA.


I mean that seriously.

They mention a Generation Who? match against Ink Ink, then show Murder City gunnaz walking around backstage angrily. TNA: "Subtlety? How do you spell that?"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is Johnny Rico so goddamn stupid as to pull the SERRATED Bug arm out of Dizzy's stomach? Don't they teach basic medical emergency treatment in the mobile infantry?

Ink Inc vs Generation Mini Hardy Boys

I love how they two guys share ONE tag team title that they jacked like it's some kind of accomplishment. Also, the black-haired one looks like a fagboy with his hair down.

Anyway, the match? Fuck you, the fuck you think?

WINNAR: Ink Inc by disqualification

Generation shithead fucks it up, then gets chased away by the Motor Guns and they flee like cowardly children. Backstage, Samoa Joe talks to the camera while walking around, saying that by the transitive fallacy, if he beats Anderson, he will BECOME Anderson, and win the championship belt at Bound for Glory Hole. I absolutely LOVE IT! Make it happen, Agent Joe. He says Anderson IS right about one thing; he IS a feces-eating cretin.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The text suddenly looks less black.

Backstage, Robot SHelley talks really fastabouthowGenerationThoseGuyswannabreaknecksliketheytriedwithhim they'll have to cut their heads off and if they think they're gonnagetthetitleshandedtothemthenthey'renotthinkinghardenough and such. At the $150,000 scratch ticket Battle Royal, they gonna get killed and such.

Mister anderson comes out. He's my equivalent of Hornswoggle.

Anderson vs Samoa Joe

His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero appears for no reason, and goes to wander off to the commentator's table. For some reason, Kevin Nash and Sting are here to Old it up and spread incoherent storyline bullshit.

Match starts with Joe cornering Ander's son and kick him up int hte turnbuckle, stomping and smashing and bashing like so many faggots in the deep south. But the faggot goes to put a headlock on him, because he can't wrestle. They brawl some more, because a convoy is only as fast as its slowest member. Joe kicks his face in when he runs at him, then puts his boot on Anderson's face and scrapes it across his face in a nasty way, then runs at him and bootscrapes his face. Pope says at 12010101010101010, THE VEIL WILL BE LIFTED! They'll find out about the magic act, the smoke and mirrors.

Mike Tenay says they're talking in circles; can't they show any solid proof? I think Tenay is talking in circles too.


Fucking TNA. They ruined this match for me. The match also got ruined by ANDERSON BEATING JOE CLEAN.


Nash says he's gonna talk sense into Joe ONE LAST TIME. I'm not even going to start up again. Read my above capslock shouts. Nash's idea of talking sense is to scream at Joe "LAST CHANCE, JOIN US". Ffffffffflaaaawless logic, there.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm tired. Already.

In the ring, Nash and Sting and Pope are in here. He says Bad things happen to bad people, and it's amazing that Hulk Hogan lays in a hospital bed. Too much fallacy...

Nash says for SEVEN MONTHS Sting and Nash have been telling us WHAT'S GOING ON. I'm going to start screaming soon. He says the three of them in the ring know EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON.

Here's what's going on: A wrestling company is barely struggling with a huge cadre of great wrestling talent, and absolutely no idea how to properly use them to make this company even remotely watchable, while writing storylines that are incoherent and ultimately POINTLESS bullshit that have NO long-term ramifications or continuity; to where two wrestlers can have an ALL OUT BALLS TO THE WALL FEUD OF INCREDIBLE PERSONAL INVESTMENT such as James Storm and Rhino and Alcoholism, or Kurt Angle and Sting and Sting's son's molestation by Angle, and as soon as the feuds are over, they're NEVER mentioned again, they NEVER recur in the future encounters between the subjects, or they'd even talk about how much they RESPECT each other or how much they HATE each other due to the CURRENT STORYLINE FEUD.

Fuck this company. Sting fucks his own logic up by saying this is a classic case of GOOD VERSUS EVIL, and yet says people came here to see the BAD GUYS, not the GOOD GUYS, then says he wants to know who's wearing the black hats and who's wearing the white hats.

I give up.

Here's a quick rundown of what Bischoff said: Nothing. A whole lot of nothing insulting the "questionably heels" then saying Hulk Hogan would return next week.

Backstage, AJ Styles yells at the camera about Brian Kendrick hanging out with the creepy old men who want to molest him. He then says Ric dropped his wallet... BUT OH NOESZ HE BEEN ICED HAAAAWWDAAAARWWHWHWH!

Speaking of Jay Lethal's slumping career, we get a video recap after commercials of The Amazing Jobber winning the X Division championship over Lethal in a house show, a prestigious act last seen when Brian Kendrick and Paul London won the tag team titles in WWE from Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade. All four men ended up fired, and one died. Since TNA is fond of fallacies, make of that what you will.

Backstage, Madison Rayne and Tumor-elbow Tara talk to some random brunette I've never ever seen before. The Horrible People then enter and immediately start yelling and throwing shit and fighting. Apparently this random brunette has the power to fire any of them. Apparently she called all of them in here for a reason; legitimate feud storyline? Heathen blasphemies!

Madison Rayne brought in some kind of waver involving banning someone from the ring in a match. Tara and Madison. She says she gonna do what it takes to keep Tara in her corner cos she's her bodyguard and she gave her a job and such when she was flat on her flat ass. Random brunette says there's no trust in this business, it's competition, not a BFF club. So Bischoff has mandated a foursome at Bound for Glory Hole.

It'll be all four of them (there's five of them in the room) for the TNA Knockout's Championship. Lots of yelling and such and they get thrown out with security and such. Random brunette then gets a booty call for sex, I guess. Pretty subtly unsubtle.

Brian Kendrick w/ bathrobe vs AJ Styles (C)

Ric Flair comes out arbitrarily to the commentator's table to be all like YOU SEE THAT? YOU WATCHING THIS SHOW? YOU GONNA BE HERE NEXT WEEK? TNA LISTEN TO ME YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT YOURSELF INTO WHEN YOU BROUGHT ME ABOARD NOT TO ELIMINATE PEOPLE FROM THEIR POSITION, BUT NEXT WEEK MICK FOLEY IS GONE. Etcetera. Meanwhile the match starts on the TV screen behind him, but who gives a shit?

AJ and The Kendrick tie up and push into the turnbuckle, then AJ headlocks him stiffly, and The Kendrick rolls him down but AJ keeps it locked in smoothly and such. They get up and AJ gets poushed away finally and some running and flipping and The Kendrick tries to dropkick but AJ shoves his feet and moves aside. AJ puts Kendrick in a corner and tries to Superhero chop but misses. Kendrick gets him from behind and tries a backrolling rollup thing pin gets 2. The Kendrick gets put on the second rope by AJ and choked some. AJ then ref blocks so Matthias Morganite can fiddle with The Brian Kendrick.

AJ punches him in the face. The Brian Kendrick breaks free and such and kicks up on AJ some. He then gets to the top rope but jumps on Matt Morgan instead, and Ric Flair gets on the apron for no reason. AJ tries a suicide dive but Kendrick kicks him int he gut. He then gets on the turnbuckle but Matt Morgan drags him onto his nuts while Earl Hebner is distracted by Ric Flair. Matt then starts wrestling with Ric some, and AJ Styles Clash on The Kendrick dood.


Post-match thoughts: I did not once feel that the title belt was in any legitimate jeopardy.

Backstage, Abyss talks to Janice about murder.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Tits

Outside somewhere earlier today, Rob Van Dam is slurring and mumbling a lot about how it was a mistake to come back when he did last week. If all it takes for Van Dam to learn from his mistakes is a toke and a drink, then drink up and smoke up, boyo~!

Steel Cage Match
Abyss vs Kurt Angle

I'm getting fucking sick of hearing 101010. Angle beats on Abyss first in the corner and such. He then tosses Abyss into the cage wall, and beats up on him some more. He then beats up on him some more and picks him up to punch him. He runs but gets clotheslined down by Abyss. He punches on Kurt Angle some, but Angle comesback on the turnbuckle jumping on him and then picking huim up and throwing him into the cage wall again.

Angle then puts his boot on Abyss in the corner and then picks him up again to throw him into the other cage wall and such. Angle somehow gets ahold of Janice and doesn't use it, because come on. Aftrwer commercials, Abyss is somehow in control now and Angle is on the floor and such. Apparently Janice was thrown out of the ring by Angle, and now Abyss throws Angle into the cage wall. Kurtle blades as Abyss punches him up. GOOD LUCK AT BOUND FOR GLORY HOLE!

Angle reverses an attempted thing by Abyss and punches Abyss up. Kurt heads up to the turnbuckle and jumps off onto Abyss in a splash, and pin gets 2. He gets up slowly and runs into Abyss's hand for a chokeslam reversed into a Shamrock Ankle Lock on Abyss, but Abyss somehow gets out and chokeslams Kurt Angle for pin gets 2. Angle tries something but Abyss gets him in a Torture Rack and hits his Shock Treatment thing on Angle and pin gets 2.

Abyss gets on the top rope and does a splash thing that looks like a faggy kid jumping into a pool, complete with faggy leg wigging. Angle moves aside and hits an Olympic Slam and pin gets 2. Angle pulls Abyss into position to get to the top rope and then up to the top of the cage, to no doubt do a moonsault. GOOD LUCK AT BOUND FOR GLORY HOLE WITH YOUR FUCKED UP BLOODY BODY, IDIOT.


TNA YAY: Brian Kendrick's bathrobe. I want it.

TNA BOO: Headfirst into the nonsensical feud. The only YAY aspect is it's going to finally be explained and resolved TWO IN ONE on 10101010101010

TNA WTF: Cage match ends just as Angle gets to the top of the cage. I do not think "cliffhanger" means what you think it means, TNA.

FOLLOW ME ON MY TWITTERS PLEASE~! It makes me feel less pathetic when there's more than 2.2 people following me and listening to me retweet other people's stuff.


Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).