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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(09/24/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Hey welcome and hi! This is the only place you've come here for, right? You'll not get anyone else on TWF who can provide gratuitous mispellings AND (before you throw the Corned Ham at me and call it Canadian Bacon) provide the occasional slip of insight into the life of an Internet Female not afraid to admit she pees in the bathroom sink more than should be allowed even by piggish males, or uses "Smegmatic" in a context of pleasantries and enjoyable stenches, or openly admits to masturbating to multi-man gay orgy porn and celebrity look-alikes but draws the fucking line at BREAST IMPLANTS? Surely not in Catherine Perez's column! And not just because she's busy with being a real life person and all!

Before we start, NEWZ TIEM! Let's see what I can piece together solely by reading headlines: CM Punk: "We Sucked, We Were Green, & We Were Horrible", SpikeTV Airing "Global Impact 2 (Electric Boogaloo)," New Maryse Interview, All TNA Stars Banned From Bubba The Love Sponge Show,

Okay I gave up. Honestly, I couldn't think of anything to say except dick cheese jokes and arbitrarily accusing people of ripping off my stuff with total disregard for chronological order of invention.

TNA video package from No Surrendar! Featuring still images and video shaking. ARBITRARY TAG TEAMS YAY! Oh, and Hernandez just wasted his shitty briefcase on Kurt presumably before the match, and totally failed.

Episode title is appropriately named "The one about the broken picture" which is kind of how I name TNA episodes, too! "The one where Matt Morgan douchefags some"

Backstage, and the World L33t exit a limo, only for Kiyoshimitsu and Sheik to be OMFG AMBUSHED by Mexicandez, who is polite enough to do that sleazy wet-whistle sound before coming up on them and hitting them with some kind of pipe. Not ten fucking feet away is the rest of the World Elite, who don't do shit and don't even bother to chase him when the camera pans back to show them all.

NOW We're in the ring with the MEM! AGAIN! Angle puts over the rest of the MEM keeping their championships, BUT NOT the world event main champion! Angleite says he did not lose it. Then he says he did not lose it. Everyone agrees with him. This is rather puzzling. He says he was not beaten by AJ, but screwed by Matt Morgan. Oh lawdy--out of the goodness of his heart, he accepted a butt raping by Matt Morgan's size 18 boot rather than let AJ pin him. At least, that's what I pieced together from what he said about boots to the face.

Wow, Angle looks like a junkie as he stares into the camera and says BOUND FOR GLORY one on one with Matthias of Morgan. Random music plays, and I wouldn't have guessed who it was until they did the "I'm a Jobber Thing!" by having the faction name be spoken aloud. For some reason, the music has Sheik Jabbar's "raghead-vocalization" playing under the music.

ERECH JUNG faces Kirk and child-smokes on the microphone. Eric is questioning of his statement that the MEM is the most dominant force, mentioning how Hernando killshitted Angle that one time at No Surrender, only for ERECH JUNG to run out and interfere. Young then says he saved Angle's life, because he saved his shriveled roid-less neck from breaking. Eric Jung has Hernandez in a one match man tonight.

What's this shit? Maybe it's Eric's child smoker voice, but I seriously can't tell just what he's saying or why. He says Hernandez attacked his men, then attacked some person with their hands tied behind their back, then he says the doctors said Eric Young should be out for six weeks... what?

Maybe it's clear if I paid attention, but this is how I piece it historically:

Hernandez arrived at No Surrender to cash in against Kurt Angle. He proceeded to slaughter Angle. Eric Young comes out to interfere, and Hernandez loses via disqualification for some reason, despite having been just about to piledrive Angle on the top of the ramp. Hernandez then picks a random person from the crowd and beats them up and they can't defend themselves because the police were arresting him and handcuffed him. Eric Young trips over his own head and breaks both his elbows. The next iMPACT! Sheik and Kishi get beaten up like they did earlier, and a bunch of doctors told Eric he has six weeks to live unless he quits wrestling, but ERIC YOUNG saw The Wrestler and so he's gonna keep on keepin' on and ain't no one gonna say he's done except for the people in the audience! A bunch of jackholes proceed to chant "YOU'RE DONE!"

But what REALLY happens is Booker T getting on the microphone, whoaing, and saying, and I quote word for word: "Dih tell you sumthin meh!" To pause for a moment, Angle has a classic Nose-Bridge-Pinch gesture going on, substitute for facepalm, "Dis rah heuh-- dis rah heuh, dis TNA! You know wuh fu sayi? Yu no sayi dis TNA an MAWFIA ROOLS T-N-A! You dee?

"We run dis hee! Yoo jus live heuh! You understa mm sayi? Lemme tell y' su-in, I nevuh like yo punk ass anyway. Yuknow wu sayi- I nevuh liked yoo, I nevuh liked him, I nevuh lik--you know-- far's I'm concerned, you an yo little rompa room gang heuh can pack up an get yir ass ou heuh! Cuz if sombody geh hih uro TNA, we hiddem. If somebody geh took out, we take dey ass out, yu dih?"

And I wondered why they teamed him with Scott Steiner.

Eric Young could care less about the gorilla-ing of Booker T. Booker freaks out and lunges in his face, and says, and I quote verbatim: "Scowlassuh! Uh? Da-di-du-da-di-duh huh? UH?! UH?! UH?! UH?!" Good God. I roughly translate that to "Scuse me, mister pushy. But, uhm, your logistical arrangements are at fault, and your insistence upon addressing me directly with such scorn must be an indication of racism, you cracker-ass white boy cracker"

Kurt nevertheless wishes to return the favor to Eric, and will help him be in a tag match. The nWo does business the right way, eh says, much to Booker T's gentlemanly disagreement and discomfort.

A bunch of nothing happens, then there's a pointless backstage shot of Bobby Lashley fiddling with his boots. That kind of sums up Lashley's TNA career outside of the ring: split-second segments that are largely completely useless.

A commercial went here.

Suicide vs His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus I D'angelo Dinero

This match starts at the top of the ramp, where His Holy Father, being as black as he is, camouflages against the back curtains, then AMBUSHES the Suicidal man. He goes tumbling down the ramp like an emo falling down the stairs. There's a bunch of random shit around ringside, including emergency road blocks and such. Suicide whips (like a slave? Racist) His Holy Blackness into one of the blocks, then gets a kendu stick to whip the black man.

In the ring, the Pope arrives with a walking stick, smacks it against Suicide's back and then walks around with it a bit. Now he has a tambourine. Sonjay Dutt is not amused. The Pope uses the tambourine as a weapon. Now He tries to use a gabrage can, but Suicide snatches that shit, throws it at him, and kicks him, and the Pope falls out of the ring, and bends the road block thing to expose it as so much plastic, then he acts like it hurt his bandaged ribs. Suicide tries a Suicide Dive (which is just called a Dive for him?) and gets smacked in the face with a garbage can lid.

The Pope now with them in the ring, and drops a garbage can on Suicide's back. A bunch of idiot fans cheer loudly as he picks up the tambourine. He then starts smacking SUicide's head with the tambourine and a trash can lid, alternating between them. People then cheer as he gets a hocket stick, and uses it on Suicide's back. Suicide dodges one swing, then gets an inverted Atomic ---- NO MIC TENAY! FUCKER! It's a REVERSE Atomic Drop, then he runs, and hits a chair with a dropkick which hits the Pope.

Now another dropkick by the Suicide on the Pope, and now sets a trash can on him, and goes to rip off Shane McMahon. I have no fucking idea how he thought that would work, as he tries to get up to springboard off the rope, but the Pope CHARGES at his ass and fucking SPEARS him in mid air and just fucking shatters the steel chair beneath them both. The replays do it no justice.

The Pope now with something, but Suicide reverses it into a Suicide Solution on a trash can and a pinwin.

WINNAR: Suicide Kazarian

I fail to see how Suicide's taunts are supposed to be intimidating, considering his name is SUICIDE, and he points a finger gun to his own head, then slits his own throat.

Backstage now with the Dudley Boys. Bruther Ray is too fat to have anything but anger in him. Brother Devon speaks clearly, doesn't care about Rhino cos he cheapshotted him, and now he has to look Devon in the face when he takes his cheap shot. This time around, he will knock his ass out. That big fat rhino ass.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: 2012: EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!!!!! PSSHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!

BACKSTAGE after some jibber-jabberdy messages from the TV lookitybox. Kevin Nash with Lauren backstage, with Lauren completely ignoring the fact that Chris Parks is supposed to be her boyfriend, and just casually says it was cheap of him to do a low blow to him to retain the title. Nash's excuse is he's $50,000 richer, and knows how much Lauren likes Ireland. Considering how she reacted last week to the exclamation of nudes, I wouldn't be surprised if it were Kylie Ireland, porn star.

Kevin's REAL question is what is Lauren's fascination with the freak Chris. She defends him! But Nashicles likes freaky people. He thinks Lauren is a stone freak, and he can get freaky. He wants to get freaky with lauren, but here come two midget whores to sit on his lap. I am not joking. Big teh Shmecksie Tour CUNTinues.

Rhino vs Brother Devoy

Rhino starts running, then gets OMFG PAAAAAAOOOOOOOOUNC-UHHD! by a black person other than Monty Brown. Devoy throws him in the ring and they start punching and stuff. Rhino takes the advantage, keeping a brother down, and throws him out of the ring, then throws him on the steel steps and poses to the audience's booze. Devon bladed already. Now punches on the outside. Rhino ready for a GOAR! But misses, and hits the steel barricade.

WINNAR: No one.

Bell just randomly rang, as apparently there was a countout and both men lose. Security comes down to hold back Devon. Racist. Devon escapes, because he's a big angry black guy, and attacks Rhino. Now both are being held back, but Brother Ray is here to shove Devon, and order security out of the ring. And they just fucking LISTEN to him?!

Brother Ray hilariously says "This is how you settle stuff, who started this?!" Rhino is randomly bleeding as well, and acts all shocked when Ray tells him to shut his freakin' mouth. Ray speaks without a microphone, and is so loud, everyone can hear him. He's all "We wuh in tha Fruntline togetha! Why are we fightin?!" Etcetera. Rhino's gonna gore the shit out of him. Fifty bucks. I can just see it happening. Buh Buh tells them to shake hands, and they do. YIPPIE HOORAY!

Btw, Rhino gored Bruther Ray. You owe me fifty bucks. Bruther Devon keenly requests of Rhino "GET YO ASS BACK IN HERE!"

BACKSTOOGE with Hernandez and slutty Lauren! Hernandez says he was at No Surrender to fight, and he doesn't need a tag partner cos he's here to fight. OH NOE! Pretty little Matt Morgan comes by, inevitably to offer himself as a tag team partner, in a way that is heavily innuendo'd with gay sex references by only myself. Morganate says they'll have their revenge at Bound for Glory, so LEZ HAFF PHUN TONITE! Hernandez says he's gonna cripple Eric, then says something in Spanish, and Morganate says "YEAH! WHAT HE SAID!"

Long-ass music video of No Surrender. Watch me skip it!

Backstygian with Mick Foley in offie, and OH NOESZ! Someone broke and shredded his disgustingly freaky picture of the caricature. Jay Bee says it's over.

Jay Bee tries to console him by saying the shitty image has been made into trading cards, being sold on eBay for $300 each. Foley says it's not the same, and it's like putting a shitty leopard shirt (which he's wearing) on a wrestler and calling him Mick Foley. Chris Parks is not amused (or is he? No, I guess not).

Video package for AJ Stylesz. CONTROVERSY TIEM! Genuinely great wrestler who happens to high-fly, or spot monkey?

By the way, Foley really did say NOTHING IS OVER! and such as like from First Blood.

AJ Styles now comes to the ring. Haha... comes. Aj makes a big dealy as though the TNA Championship has existed for seven years, and was not just retconned over the NWA Championship which he DID win in TNA. AJ dedicates the title to a handful of people in the crowd, then just gives up and says everyone. And he also wants to dedicate it to a friend of his. Steroids! I mean, wait... Sting.

Sting now comes out, sans entrance music and such, and no makeup or ring gear and such. OH MY GOD, STING IS STEVE BORDEN! BLAH BLAHDEE BLOOH! Sting says there's no need to share the spotlight with anyone because he deserves it. Here now stands Sting to "share" the spotlight anyway, and introduce AJ as the heav--- oh hey, he was being serious; he left the ring. But AJ calls on him, to let him know he knowsz what Sting did! Sting's all like "Nuh uh!" and Aj says "Yes, yes. Sting, come on man, you don't have to lie to me" But Sting is still like "Nuh uh..?"

AJ Says Angle was in the middle of ther ing, and Sting could either pin him, or take out Mat Morgan, and he chose to take out Matt Morgan so AJ could pin and win, and ONE GUY, JUST ONE GUY ALONE in the crowd chants "Thank you Sting!" BUT STING STOPS THAT SHIT COLD! Not on that guy, but on AJ, saying he didn't do anything to help him---AJ won it, end o' story. BUT IT WAS YOOOU who did something, Stinker! He did something totally different; stepped aside and handed AJ the title. Sting is not amused. Seriously, he looks like AJ just called him a faggot. Sting is still like "Nuh uh"

AJ says they're having BOUND FOR GLORY HOLE at California and wants to give Sting the opportunity to wrestle for the world title against him. In front of his friends and family and home state. In the mouth of a heel, the exact same words would be an insult. They shake hands, and AJ's all "buttlove respect face vs face lovey respectful honor action happy fun time". That's the worst kind of Face vs Face match in my view, "Oh I love you and you're great and I honor and respect you so let us have a happy-time fun fight"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I don't need to LEARN to live like Monk; I already do.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Hey manly men, I heard in the manly man man state of manly macho Sparta, shaking hands is for queers, and real men give each other hugs and kisses. And you can trust me; I'm a historian. History never lies. Never.

TAG TITLE MATCH NOW!

Sarita and Taylor Wilde w/ PG lez-tastic Entrance vs Tara w/ almost no reaction and ODB

Announcer announces her as "ODP". Match starts with Suriduh and Tarantula, heaedlock, headlock takedown by Tara, revarsed as Sarita uses her legs, then a pin, but brought up, and Sarita gets dropped back, but pins, then dodges a legdorp. Then face-off, and now irish whip on Sarita, who stalls too long bouncing off the turnbuckle and gets caught by Tara, but is reversed into a headscissor take-down mid-move. Taylor is apparently tagged in, and she cross-bodies Tara, then she helps Sarita bounce off onto Tara, then she jumps on Tara. Someone's hair got ripped out a little and is in the middle of the ring like a big wad of hair.

ODP tagged in, and she chokes Taylor and slams her onto the turnbuckle, and now smacks and punches her and stuff. Punching and stuffing. OMFG ORESUM KUNG COMING DOWN. Taylor was smacked down, and did soem fruity little hand-waving around aimlessly rush to tag in Sarita. Tara attacks Awesome Kong, leaving ODP alone, though she's dominating Sarita. Taylor blind-tags in as Srita is whipped, then caught in an attempted Fallaway Slam, but Taylor dropkicks Sarita to knock ODP over.

Now Sarita tagged in again for double teaming, but ODP double clotheslines, and pinfails. She picks up Sarita for some kind of DVD Blu Ray Disc, but Sarita slips out, tags Taylor, Taylor catches her for a German Suplay combinationiy with Sarita dorpkicking her off the turnbuckle springboard. Pinwin.

WINNAR: Sarita and Taylor

Tara randomly appears full of fail, to be the face of all "I'm sorry, I just went crazy when I saw a great big spear chucker walking along" ODP ain't racist like her, though, and so yells at her, flashes her panties for some reason casually.

Faaade now to the back where Mick Foley and Germy Borash is in the back INTERROGATING the black guys, Jay Lefal and Team Consequences Creed. They accuse them of selling the cards on eBay, but they defend themselves saying they've busted a pack open like everyone else. Mick Foley RACES IT UP by saying "Bustin' a CAP! In youR ASS!" And he gets called out on that shit by Victor Creed, all like "What's the deal?" and Lethal's all like "That's cus we're black" Foley offers to pour him a glass of water, but Creed realizes that's to get his fingerprints! Creed stops him, but Foley offers high five (alright!) and forces his hand on the glass.

Foley demands to know where Lethal was when the picture was destroyed! Lethal was gettin's his freak on with Liz. Miss Elizabeth? HAHAHAAAA... necrophilia.

Christopher Daniels vs Homicide vs Joe from Samo' (X Division Championship)

DAMMIT Taz. He basically calls Samoa Joe "wicked and evil" in a non-approving tone. NONCONTINUITY! Lots of fast ass-tastic triple threating ass, with a big double bulldog/clothesline on Joe and Cider, then dorpkicks Side, only to get slammed into the turnbuckle by Joseph, and OMFG PELE~!'d, and tries for a Muscle Buster, but Dantul headscissors him out of the ring, then bounces around to try a suicide dive, but HOMICIDE trips his ass up, then gets inside and attacks him. Then picks him up for a chinlock thing, and Joe fatly gets into the ring since he's fat and slow.

Homicide attacking and chopping Daniel, only to get kicked as he's whipped. Samoa Joe catches Daniels Daniels in a powerslam all of a sudden, pinfailed, now attacks him. Homicide blatantly stands back a bit, then steps up to beat on Christopher. Now they double team him on the rope, Joe applying his boot to Chris's face. Saoma Joe and Homicide WOARKING TOGETHUR! OMFG! Double team thing with an INVERTED Atomic Drop (which Michael Tenay gets correct this time) on Christopher, followed by a back clothesline by Homizde. Home went for the pin, and gets trash talked by Joe. Double team sheningans gets Daniels tossing Homicide out of the ring and attacking Joe.

This match is moving faster than I can describe. Homicide ranodmly runs in and gets immediately dorpped by one of Daniels Daniels' siganachur moves. The one that' slike a sitdown powerbomb with one arm. Daniels Daniels attacks Joe in the corner, then throws Homicide into Joe like a spear, then STO's them both, then Arabian moonsault's Joe for a 2 count. Joe gets out of the ring, to get Arabian Moonsaulted, but Joe is in the ring, so Daniels lands on his feet. Homicide tries his flying out of the ring thing, but bounces off of Joe, lands on his feet, and attacks Daniels Daniels.

Homicide then demands a chair from some guy at ringside, then hits the steel guardrail with it, breaking it for no reason. Now they're in the ring on the top rope, Christopher knocks off Homicide, but Joe gets in with a kick and Musclebuster which is broken up by Homicide. ANARCHY!

Homicide shoves Joe's face, which Taz calls "Pie-face" and Homicide does a Hangman Style neckbreaker on Joe as Joe punches him. Homicide says "THIS IS THE WORLD ELITE" and curses. He then turns to pose for the camera, and Joe SAMOA'S UP! He's all behind him like a monstar, slams him down, then gets a Cock-in-a-Clutch and submission win.

WINNAR: Samoa Joe, athletic obesity

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If all an Identity thief is out for is stealing social security numbers and such, why would they even bother with phishing and shit online when they could just make up a bunch of numbers, see if it's an actual SSN, match it to a name, and exploit that?

When we return, Eric Young is given the jobber entrance, already in the ring. Sheik Abdul Jabbar is at the commentator's table, with an awesome shirt that says POLITICAL PRISONER. Kiyoshi-san is standing behind him all Asian-like.

Eric Young w/ Cornette's lack of confidence and Kurt Angle w/o Guilty verdict vs Matt Morgan and Super Mex

I only just realized this last night when I saw it... Hernandez is said to be from Houston, Texas. THEN WHERE IN THE FUCKING FUCK DID THE FUCKING LOGIC IN WORLD ELITE TRYING TO RECRUIT HIM COME FROM?! HE'S A FUCKING AMERICAN! HE'S NOT A FUCKING FOREIGNER LIKE ERIC YOUNG KEPT oh look, Matt Morgan gets colorful lights for his entrance. Shades of blue and green and red and orange and pink and yellow. It's beautiful.

The camera people decide to try to gross me out with this ugly looking shot:

TO A MATCH NOW! Hernandeo and Kurtle facing off. OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECKS comment by Sheik, as both men have had that in the ring now. Taz remarks that Hernandez refused medical attention after No Surrender, and Sheik WINS RACIST LULZ with this verbatim comment: "Big deal! The Mexican that mows my lawn broke his leg a couple of weeks ago, he got back to work"

By the way, absolutely nothing happened in the match during this time. Kurtle ran away, then came back inside. Now a lockup, headlock by Kurtle, and he gets lifted up and TOSSED through the air by Hernandez. Angle lands on his feet and is all SHOCKED PEDOPHILE now as Hernandez reaches out for him again. Some stuff, Hernandez gets kicked int he face as he tries an irish whip thing, then Hernandez Shoulder blocks him, then uses his shirt to basically choke-throw him across the ring, making him slip out of the ring to be a coward. People chant "WE WANT MORGAN!" Ric Flair he ain't.

Eric Young tagged in, all scared and fail-y. He runs at Hernandez and gets back body dropped hard, then Angle in, gets caught and disgustingly powerbombed in a hard powerbomb. HARDDDD. Now irish whip on Eric Young, and somehow Young managed to get on top of Angle on the turnbuckle and splashed both. Morgan in and a shitload of douches in the front row all cheer loudly.

OH MY GOD! That ugly as fuck guy I mentioned several weeks ago standing behind Mike Tenay is now in the front row to haunt my dreams!

Oh yeah, and Morgan smashed Young with a bicycle kick and pinfalled while Kurt stood outside looking like a freak.

WINNAR: Hernandez and MATT MORGAN!

Sheiky is mad, and throws a chair at Kurt that misses. Then he gets up and yells at Kurt. Kurt hilariously just kicks Sheik in the knee, and punches Yoshi Tatsu aside. UH OH! World L33t comes on down with the Britannic Invasion force! Kurt's all "I got mah peeps, yo!" And speaking of piss-poor english, here comes SCott Steiner and Booker T, with BIG TIME SRIUS BUSINESS FACES. Kurt casually walks up to him and they leave.

BACKSTAGE IN DARKNESS NOW as the Motor City Murder guns are being interrogated by Mick Foley and Jay Bee. Since they're not black, they get treated politely, and help themselves to lots of water. Jay Bee now questioning, and Sabin's like "You two would've never made the cut for CSI" because them two were out ringside doing commentary. And by "commentary" they probably mean "playing TNA iMPACT! the FailGame!" Mick Foley says they may not be guilty of that crime, but they're guilty of something else!

Mick Foley proceeds to tell the truth by saying the Murder guns have the worst entrance music in the history of wrestling. Some potential names they suggest: The Giant Stench, The Sucktitude, Ode to Wet Dog, Tribute to Low Tide, Parcheesi in the Morning.

Foley gets SERIOUS TIME NOW and gets totally buried by Robot Shelley, who suggests maybe they should CHECK OUT THE SECURITY CAMERA VIDEO TAPE from the Security Camera in the room that Foley had Kip James install.

The Murder guns pour their water back into the jug, then promise to make Mick Foley's kids proud... by changing their entrance music. Please do. I made a complaint about the noodly-sounding shit some time a few months ago.

SHILLING FOR TRACI BROOKS' TRULY TERRIBLE PLAYBOY PICS! With tits that look like whoopie cushions.

EARLIER TODAY! Interview with Hamada. Since she's Japanese, she doesn't speak English, so they bring in an interpreter for her to speak SPANISH to. lolwut? Before we can start, Cheerleader Saeed comes in to complain, saying they all pay attention to everyone except her, THE FUTURE LEGEND ALISSA FLASH! She says she should change her name to Welcome Mat, since she's a welcome mat to all tehse new additions.

Alissa bitches about what she has to do to get an interview around here. Hamada FUCKING OWNS THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HER with these simple words: "Win a match". True Spartan. Exactly what a Spartan would say. I know, I'm a historian.

Alissa beats the shit out of Hamada as a response. And you know this happens fora long time, because they give us two very sloppily done "LOOK, WE EDITED THIS!" flashes. Since this is the empty arena, she gets tossed down a row of seats, for teh lulz. FINALLY some security comes to pry Raeesha Unmasked from her.

ANOTHER LASHLEY ORIGINAL! Four seconds of him walking backstage. ANOTHER CLASSIC IN THE ANNALS OF BOBBY LASHLEY BACKSTAGE SEGMENTS!

DON WEST TIME! He shills TNA Live in Germany, Switzerland, and Ireland. It looks so sad seeing him reduced to being the BILLY MAYS of TNA.

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with Kevin Nash with Daffney in his lap. He says "Taz says you're zombie hot, but personally? I just think you're hot" Oh Kevin... you know exactly what to say to turn a girl off and make her scream rape. Daffney thinks this as well, as she looks and acts all sexy, but then elbows him in the crotch. Then she starts elbowing him in the face and screeching. OMFG It's Doctor Stevie with some kind of handheld smoke machine to his crotch. He yells that Kevin robbed Doctor, because he was supposed to end Chris's career.

In the ring now with the jobber entrance for

Jethro Holiday vs Bobby Lashley

Taz basically buries his pale ass beforehand by saying he doesn't like Jethro's chances tonight againtst Lashy. Starts with a quick takedown on Jethro Tull by Bubbny, who gets him on teh turnbuckle and punches him up. MMA STYLE! !Zzzzzz Irish whip and Jethro Tull gets back body dorpped by him. Lashley now punching him on the mat, and picks up Tull for a torture rack position, and... some kind of move that probably will make sure Lashley will be Triple H'd in the future, by slamming himself down on his OWN KNEES, with JETHRU HOLIDAY ON HIS SHOULDERS. JEthro gets in ONE bit of offense by kicking Lashley in the face in a reversal, but just gets Full Nelson Slammed, then some kind of reverse-DDT-position submission he immediately taps out to.

WINNAR: Bobby Lashley

Backstage now with Mick Foley with a video tape out of the production truck. The case is solved, he says. It was meteors.

Backstage now with Chris Parks and Lauren. Chris Parks is so happy now, because he talked with Mick Foley and everything's okay. Chris is touching his hair and now claps hands and is all happy. Chris Parks has been TNA World Champion before.

Okay no. I don't believe you.

But he can't wait to be tag team champions with Mick Foley! YIPPIE HOORAY! Wish me luck, Lauren! Says he.

Scott Steiner and Booker T vs Mick Foley and Chris Parks

Chris Parks and Mick come out both to Abyss's old music. Wonder why. Mick is clearly mocking Chris's retard hand-clapping thing. Mick puts his barbed wire bat on the table and tells Taz to look after it, and the video tape evidence. Chris Parks is attempting to rip off as many of Foley's gimmicks as possible, as he wears a tye-dye shirt under his flannel and below his non-leather Mankind mask.

BOOKER T AND PARKS START IT OFF! Booker kicks him in the gut, then punches, and tries to scoop slam, but Chris stops that shit and scoop slams him first. Now Chris Parks slamming his fce on the turnbuckle, but he just randomly jerks away like Booker hit him, which he didn't. Steiner now tagged in, and irish whips Chris Parks, only for him to kick Steiner, then cltohesline, and tag in Mick Foley. Mick Foley helps Chris with double clotheslining Steiner, then elbow dropping. Pin attempt but Steiner kicks out.

Mick Foley tags in Chris Parks, and Chris irish whips Steiner only to be revarsed! Oh my god how could that happen? Seriously! Booker kicks Chris in the back, and Steiner clotheslines him. THen he does his long ass elbow-drop, then pretend-pin-followed by pushups. Now beating on Chris Parks on the ring ropes, and now Booker T tagged in, and they double riish whip, but Chris Parks dodges, then double clotheslines. Mick Foley mockingly claps like Chris does, comes in mmocking Chris Parks' TARDING UP! move, then immediately double arm DDT's Chris Parks. Crowd is shocked stupid. I mean, shocked silent. They're still stupid, though. Booker T scissor kicks Chris for teh winningness.

WINNAR: Mem. Pew pew pew pew.

Mick gets the video tape and a microphone, and heads for the ring. Mick is all like "Are you surprised? It was you all along" and tells Chris Parks to look at the video tape, then he smashes it on his face. Chris Parks blades, then, as Mick Foley says "It was you, Chris! It was you, Chris. You broke into my office, Chris. You took my bat, you took my bat, you cost me the Legends title, and you destroyed my most prized posession." Etcetera etcetera while beating on him. Jackson Borast is out now all "Stop! Why are you doing this?" Toolingtony. Mick Foley goes out with him, seemingly leaving, but then just grabs his barbed wire bat.

HILARIOUSLY! Jeremy just fucking ignores him and walks away, only to later run up to watch helplessly from ringside as Mick Foley beats on Chris Parks with it. Holy fucking shit, Chris Parks bladed too hard---blood is all over his face in copious amounts, and staining the ring canvas in copious amounts.

Chris Parks stares at the camera, shouts "WHY?!" and squeals and cries. This deserves a fucking screenshot.

Is it so wrong of me that I laughed hilariously at this?

GOOD STUFF: That triple threat X Division match. Also, Sarita and Taylor Wilde are great together with tag team. Fun things. Booker T's promo in the start was a fucking goldmine of race-based stupidity and hilarity. Made funnier by the fact that he's just pretending to be a gorilla. Remember King Bookah? I'm pretty sure that's how he is in real life. I know, I'm a historian. We never lie.

BAD STUFF: Chris Parks being a retard. Kevin Nash being old and a total failure at flirting. Bobby Lashley's squash match. Anything that isn't mentioned otherwise pretty much fits in this category.

DID YOU KNOW?: Ed Ferrara joined WCW Creative over the weekend.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).