So, as of NXT last Tuesday, CONSIDER ME A COLE MINER~!!!~!~!```` YA! Tenay better step up his game 'afore Michael Coleslaw (TAZ REFERENCE) does to you what HEEL DON WEST did... and end up replaced by a befuddled old wrestler and left to shill trash online like Joey Styles. OH MY GAAAA--
Speaking of which, NXT has an AJ Styles, too. I keep saying that, but her name ISN'T AJ Styles, but starts with an AJ, so I call her AJ Styles. She's funny, too; she has the gimmick of being a crazy homeless bum who beats up people who look crossways at her.
So here be I, with blood on my fingers and my shirt, ready to watch other men bleed on each other. It's the story of my life, I guess, only with less wrestling and more masturbation.
So a video recap covers Eric Bischoff talking shit from last week and such, and Bound for Glory Hole will be a three way dance and Dixie Carter pisses on Eric and puts Hardy and Angle to eliminate one or the other, only to have the end result be a three way dance at Bound for Glory Hole anyway in a segment so heavily and blatantly scripted, it was a waste of a match from a guy who's only got a few dozen big ones left in him.
Also, MoneyMark Dixie Carter gets MAD and leaves when Eric reverses the thing. Now we start TNA for realsing.
Big Rob Terry vs Abyss
Before Abyss even comes out, we get a backstage thing of Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy arguing with someone with tons of other guys trying to hold them back. Hey, remember the shitty shitty shitty shitty slacker stoner way they brought RVD back via telephone, after having had his FLESH TORN OPEN BY A SHITLOAD OF NAILS CAUSING POTENTIAL TISSUE FAILURE AND HEAVY BLEEDING? That was great.
Anyway, come the fuck on.
WINNAR: Rob Terry by DQ
Abyss smashes Terry up with one of the metal guardrails again and again. This whole "match" served only the purpose of having Rob Van Dam limp out with a steel chair all like he gonna attack Abyss. Abyss gets Janice handy, but then the NWA GUISE arrive with steel chairs (wut?) and Pat Kenney and Al Snow and D'Lo Brown come to point and yell at Abyss. GREAT SECURITY WORK, GUISE~!
Rob Van Dam bops one of the security guys in the head for no reason at all. Abyss's already left the ring, and he's trying to keep RVD from hopping the guardrail, despite being employed in the company actively, ALL JUST SO he can bop him in the head?! COOL BOOKING, BRO!
Rob Van Dam gets on the microphone to say he ain't going nowhere. G'bye, then? Doublenegatives make you look stupid. He calls otu Eric Bischoff and commercials hit instead.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Isn't "Gleek" the stuff that comes out of your nose after you've been savagely throatfucked with a lubricated condom?
When we return, Rob Van JUST HAPPENS to be starting his conversation with Bischoff saying when he was in California trying to FOCUS (hurrdurr) on recovering, and he had to learn about this tournament thing without giving Rob Van a shot to defend his title, he was upset and protested, and he STILL doesn't know if it's because of his injury or liability issues. THE FIRST STEP IN DRUG RECOVERY IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!
Still, though, it's his own damn fault anyway for being a money-hungry whore. So he has this to say: Good luck to Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle, and Mister Mister Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson Anderson and when one of them wins the title, he wants first shot at it so he can make them TNA's Kane June 29th, 1998. I know this because the day before was the day of King of the Ring and the day I turned 10.
On a related note, RVD's face looks kind of fat. He says he hates being seen like this and has so much resentment at being put in a position of lookign vulnerable, and hates being told by people "hope you feel better" and says he will be ready for a full return on 101010, and he wants to beat up on Abyss. Eric Bischoff's like You want it, they want it, I want it, consider it done.
Is it something wrong with me that I'm already sick of RVD vs Abyss? The Taz and Mike Tenay talk about this decision and saying THERE'S NO WAY ROB VAN DAM IS GONNA BE 100% AT BOUND FOR GLORY. Logically, of course not, because he's done an awful lot of walking and pretending to be limping. That takes stuff out of you. Any physical exertion would quicken his body's demise.
Speaking of eternal salvation and negros, here be the BLACK POPE ELIJAH BURKE, christened D'Angelo Dinero. Some woman shrieks "I LOVE YOU POPE!! WAAAOOOO WOOO!" and shouts it again and again as he enters in and smugs it up at Eric Bischoff and says since he's handing out favors, WHY DON'T HE DO POPE A FAVOR AND TELL HIM WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?! Lulz; you'd need an 18 week AP college course with a 900 page textbook and 2000 pages worth of supplemental materials just to understand what the hell's going on in TNA in the past three years.
Eric asks what he's talking about, and Pope say he can smell crap a mile away, and he knows Eric is full of it. This is news? Only him? What about the crapper? He rambles something about the tournament, and says in the fatal fourway, he pinned KAAAZ to get his team the wictory, and the FOLLOWING WEEK Eric, he pinned Kurtle Angle and gave Anderson a win even!
So he asks how in the worl (his word) is RVD gonna get a title shot, and how in the world is Jeff Hardy or Kurt Angle NEITHER WHO HAVE WON THEIR MATCH is gonna be in the main event and how come Popeicles isn't in that match as well? Eric says it's cos he's a nigger. Well, that's what I'd say in my head, but Eric very subtly indicates it by saying he hopes to hell he's not accusing him of what he thinks he's accusing him of.
Pope laughs smuggly and says he ain't accusing him of anything, and Pope riles up and says Eric is a CONMAN! That's not how you pronounce "racist honky cracka-ass", silly! Eric then orders Pope to come to his office, like a BOY to his massa.
EARLIAR TODAY, Madison Rayne sits in a chair behind the Beautiful People, somehow without them noticing. There's a big fucking mirror in front of them, too. More likely they're just ignoring her. Oh wait, that was Lacey von Erich. Wow, I didn't even notice. She suddenly drops the retard gimmick and flies the fuck off raging and shrieking and nasty venoming about Madison tossing her out for being a goober when she's been a goober, too, losing all her matches.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Read this.
DURING THE BREAK Pope yelled at Eric backstage, demanding he put him in the match, cos Angle and Hardy didn't win either. So Eric's gonna have him job to Samoa Joe, because hey, why bother paying him if not?
One of the Generation Me guys vs !!!!~!Chris Sabin!~!!!! HAIL SABIN!
Yeah, since when did Mini-Hardy Boyz become heels? They have pedo-looking grins. They lock up first, then HAIL SABIN put s aheadlock on, to chants of "HAIL SABIN" and the black-haired Generation guy blatantly trips up Sabin, so the referee sends him away. SHOCKING INTRIGUE~! The other Buck rolls up Sabin for a pin gets 2. He runs at Sabin and Sabin tosses him about, then they run at each other and Sabin shoulderblocks but OH NOESZ PAIN cos he has that bandage on his shoulder. So he armlocks on the Buck, and Buck bops him with an elbow after grabbing the ropes.
He then springboards inside some odd move that slams Sabin's face down. Snapmare, then Jeremy Buck headlocks and forcibly puts his armpit in Sabin's face. REAL MEN SHAVE THEIRS! Some stuff and a neckbreaker and pin gets 2. The Taz makes a good point: Just because they're prettier than you doesn't mean you should hate them. Not in those words, but his was more faggoty.
Sabin is backed ina corner and kicks up on Jeremy as he approaches, then tries to Suplex him out of the ring, but he blocks, and neckbreakers Sabin onto the apron. Roll into the ring and pin gets 2. He then puts a full nelson on Chris Sabin and he slowly rises because Jeremy is no CHRIS MASTERS MASTERPIECE THEATER WITH HIS DANCING TITS and gets backed into the turnbuckle. Jeremy Buck does a reverse jawbreaker thing which is actually a neckbreaker thing. A bunch of stuff happens later, and somehow Sabin gets the pin, John Cena style.
WINNAR: Chris Sabin
The other Buck runs in so they can beat up on Chris Sabin. Mike Tenay smuggly asks if Taz endorses this beatdown, and The Taz stammers... then says yes, cos they're taking out the team so they can win and such. Max Buck looks like a fagboy with his hair down looking at the camera all sly and pretty. They then jack Chris Sabin's tag team title. One belt. And share it.
Backstage, Lacey and Velvet walk down a hall.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Also read this! Written by the least of all my friends, Canadian Bacon. That stupid shit thinks he can get better ratings by slacking off and making jokes about words named for people with the word name! Like Slavery, named for farmer and moderately wealthy guy Henry Obadiah Slave, who went to the corner shoppe to buy an Ottoman and was given some Turkish guy instead.
At TNA Reaction last week, Pope said stuff. He wants to acquire the TNA World Championship, but first they need to move some stumblin blocks out of the way, and says he's being held back. Held black. Because it's TOTALLY not going to be construed as racist, they get a bleach-blonde, blue-eyed redneck with a thick southern Accent to say that Pope has EGO PROBLEMS and ask ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT'S HE BEING HELD BACK FROM? TELL HIM TO GO OUT THERE AND PERFORM LIKE ANGLE/HARDY, AND GAIN THE RESPECT AND REACTION LIKE THEM.
This coming from Jeff Jarrett.
Make of that what you will.
TNA Knerkouts Tag Team Championshits The Beautiful People (Lacey von Erich and Velvet Sky) vs Hamada (C) and Taylor Wilde (C)
TNA's theme musics are just... so terrible. Yesterday I thought that if they can't afford it, they should at least have Dale Oliver make a genericized version of Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People" for the Beautiful People. Even a generica would be better than that odd shit they have now.
Speaking of odd shit, this match! Lots of rolling around with Lacey and Taylor, and a sloppy monkey flip by Taylor. Hamada then gets tagged in, and Lacey does a spiffy armdrag on her, then arm wrenches her and lets Velvet jump onto Hamada's arm. Despite not tagging in. The Taz even goes on a semi-sarcastic tirade of saying it's no problem she breaking the rules and such, cos they're hot.
Hamada easily overcomes Velvet's shit and scoop slams her, then moonsaults but misses, and Velvet dropkicks her in the forehead. Looked very real. Taylor runs in and gets schoolboyed. Note that Taylor did not tag in either. They exchange shitty pin attempts and rollups, then Velvet grabs Taylor in a hold and bothers to tag in Lacey to kick her. She fails instantly as Taylor kicks her ass down, and Hamada bothers to tag in, so they can double suplex on Lacey. Hamada pin gets 2.
I think Hamada's gotten fatter since coming in to TNA. She fails on Lacey some, then tags in Taylor to kick her and such, then clothesline her, and pin gets 2. Irish whip reversed and Lacey gets to the top rope to punch her up, then wrap her legs around Taylor's face. Hurricanrana thingy. Hamada gets in though to fuck her shit up and Velvet runs in, only to get tossed out, and Lacey tosses Hamada out onto Velvet.
MADISON RAYNE comes in with a motorcycle helmet to hit Lacey in the head with it and let the other guys win. I mean girls.
WINNAR + STILL CHEATIN CHAMPS: Taylor Wilde and Hamada
Post-match thoughts: Taylor's implant-tits look firm. And hard. Also, Velvet and Angelina check up on Lacey, and Madison Rayne flees.
Backstage somewhere, Tommy Dreamer comes with the ECW GUISE! Yay shitty pointless storylines!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
Video package for Jesse Neal and OBLIGATORY USS COLE FOOTAGE. Can you seriously believe he made his first appearance in TNA dressed in that faggy white navy uniform?
Speaking of markitude, DIXIE CARTER hath arrived to be sitting between the commentator doods, looking incredibly awkward and stupid. She says the main event will be a $100,000 Battle Royal featuring every MAN (fuck you, women) in the company. If Kurt Angle loses that, will he have to retire? As I stole from her TOTALLY LEGIT twitter page, "The winner of the TNA Battle Royal won't get $100,000 cash. They'll get a cheap scratch-off lottery ticket where the COULD win $100,000 LOL "
His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs Joe
fatboy runs at Pope immediately and does his fake ass jabs at him in rapid pace. He then irish whips Pope and does a flying cock-ina-mouth on him. He picks up Pope for more cheap-ass jabs. Like the Road Dogg Jesse James. Pope stops that shit some and knocks him down, but barely a one count. Barely. He pops Samoa Joe and tries to run against the ropes but Joe recovers to bop him down. Popeicles ends up on the turnbuckle and gets smacked by Joe, then irish whip and Joe back buttslams him and then jumps and kicks his head.
At this point, I literally spent a full hour on SNES emulator with a "Primal Rage" mod trying to do Chaos's "Golden Shower" fatality. It's exactly what it sounds like.
So a pin gets 2 from the kick to the head thing. Now Joe puts a facelock thing on the black guy but since this isn't WWE Randy Orton, Pope rises up and excapes, but Joe clotheslines him down, then puts the facelock thing back on. Pope getsd to his feet again and takes down Samoa Joe with some swift pimp hands to the chest, shoving him down. Flying forearm, lateral press, pin gets 2. He bounces off the ropes into a powerslam and pin gets 2. Irish whip from the corner to the other reversed and Pope drags his head down to the mat. Pose and somehow Pope is getting booed! WHAT GIVES?!
This apparently gives; Jeff Jarrett, racist honky, comes on out like a smug asshole clapping, then pounding on the mat, like all he wants to do is give Samoa Joe support, right now at the end of a match. This inevitably brings Sting and Nash and wanton confusion as they beat up on Jarrett, because they've been scripted to, and not because of any storyline at all. Samoa Joe gets a Cock-ina-Clutch and the referee just kind of disqualifies Pope even though he didn't tap or pass out. Joe goes right to beating on Nash. MASS CONFUSION AT RINGSIDE, says Mike Tenay. That describes their nonexistant feud storyline.
Mike Tenay says it's been NOTHING BUT BLIND ACCUSATIONS for weeks. ACCUSATIONS OF WHAT? ACCUSATIONS ON WHO? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS NO ONE IN TNA EVER BOTHERS TO PRETEND TO ASK OR ANSWER!
Backstage, ECW guise just left Dixie Carter's office, and at Bound for Glory, it's Lethal Lockdown. Okay, and? Against who? Tonight is Sabu against AJ Styles or something.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Vikings don't take the fucking bus
Anderson comes out to be a jackass bitch on the microphone. I think my nose is bleeding again, internally. He gets to the ring and invites Kirk Angel in. Andersonville says it's no big secret that's he's a fucking piece of shit, no good motherfucker (SHEIKY) and that's not gonna change at Bound for Glory Hole and says "I is what I is, as Popeye the Sailor said" NO HE FUCKING DIDN'T! POPEYE DIDN:T FUCKING SAY THAT ABORTION OF STUPID FUCKING SHIT YOU BLEACH BLONDE NAZI SPIC FUCKER~!! He then says Kurt and him weren't hanging off the boss's nuts, because the boss has no nuts. I could barely comperehend what he was saying.
He says you Kurt Angle are without a shadow of a FREAKIN (HURRDURRRR I'S A BIG BOY) doubt, the absolute best in this business. HOWEVER, however, on 10101010101011001011010101010, he says with such an overwhelming bit of smug and arrogant ass to him, it hurts, that he plans on being a little bit better, by 3 seconds. Kurt says when he started this business, he wanted to be the best, and some guy shouts "YOU -ARE- THE BEST!" and here he is ten years later (longer, actually) and he's already accomplished everything he intended to do.
He promised everyone that if he lost on his way to the championship he would retire, which I remarked earlier to be like self-imposed challenges in video games that are just too easy otherwise. Angle's sacrificed everything for this business, INCLUDING HIS FAMILY (HURRDURR KAREN JARRETT NOW) and people don't know where Angle's dedication comes from and they think he's some kind of freak, but Angle pretends to respect Anderson and he will not lose because without wrasslin, without the ropes and ring and fans, he don't have anything.
Anderson then raises Kurt Angle's arm all like "Kurt Angle, everybody. For the very last time" and then backs away quick like he knows he gonna get popped one. Backstage, Ric Flair talks to the guys whose names I forgot. Four Horsemen? Benoit gone. He wants to make the ECW guys gone, too. Gone for good. Maybe it's just because I'm a jackass kid, but I find Ric Flair horribly bland. Some cheering happens, then some yells and such as Ric picks up his jacket...
... and FLAIR GOT ICED! FLAIR GOT IIIIIICED! He gotta get on one knee and pound that alcohol thing. Should've gone different.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: We don't forgive, we don't forget, we have over 9000 penises, and they're all raping children
Backstage, Kevin Nash is like DO YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION THAT CAN HELP US OUT? to the Pope. He asks what they want, cos he's not just gonna VOLUNTEER to give them information and such. Nash then says they came out to watch his back tonight. lolwut. LOLWUT!!!!! He then asks Nash if he's been talking to any broads around here for information.
I N F O R M A T I O N O N W H A T ? ! ? ! ? !
Pope asks for what? involving Tessmacher and such. Sting then asks What do you think you have been fighting for this whole time?
Sting, what are you
Sting, why are you fighting?
Sting, what are you fighhting for?
Sting, what are you doing?
Sting, please explain what it is you are trying to do.
Video package for EV2.0 and Four Seven Horsemen. Four-sided Lethal Lockdown sounds like trash. Also, fuck you Mike Tenay. You suck and I hate your commentary.
Sabu vs AJ Styles
Also, nice one for JB saying AJ Styles being accompanied by Ric Flair, and he comes out alone. I'm thinking Flair heard this and had to scramble out to save JB's dumb ass. He brings Matthias Morgan because he's on the brink of total burial, so why not?
Sabu and AJ face off and bounce around one another, then AJ knocks his knee in Sabu and does weak attacks on him. Sabu then weak punches on AJ, then weak punches on him on the floor. Sabu tries to get onto the apron but AJ kicks the rope which somehow hurts Sabu, and starts punching up his head and such. He chops on Sabu's chest, then irish whips and clothesline misses and Sabu hits a headscissors on him. Sabu runs into AJ's feet, and AJ picks him up to smack him, but gets irish whipped into the corner and then clotheslined.
Sabu gets out of the ring and gets a ladder randomly at ringside, but AJ clotheslines him from behind, then elbows him and fakepunches. He grabs him in a headlock thing and Sabu hoists him up and drops him on the metal guardrail. Apparently, I just hear this only NOW that this match is a ladder match with a key for them to grab hold of, for no real reason. It means something but the key itself is pointless. AJ gets the ladder and puts it on the apron so Sabu can baseball slide it into him. He irish whips AJ into the metal guardrail, then puts a chair into the ring and the ladder and sets up the chair so he can do the r...
No wait, he just skips past it and fakepunches AJ, then reaches back to smack the chair away. Then sets up the ladder so AJ can drag him off. Sabu then closes up the ladder and lazily throws it at AJ. He then aims to throw it at AJ, but AJ ducks and Sabu throws it out of the ring.
This warrants mentioning, but these two are both high flyers and risk takers and innovative... and this sucks. The match sucks. It is boring. Nothing more than punches and clotheslines and kicks. Mick Foley slowly comes out for no reason.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts:
When we return, Sabu chucks a chair into AJ's face. Then he sets up the chair and does th Poetry in Motion thing on him. Then a stomp on AJ, he drops the chair, and drops AJ's face into it. Then he bounces off the chair to bash into AJ and knock him out of the ring. Ric Flair rushes in and Mick Foley rushes at him, and Matt Morgan attacks him from behind and holds him so Ric can attack him. Tommy Dreamer then runs out like a fatty, but catches KAAZ coming in from the side, and they exchange fake punches which Tommy totally nosells like a boss. AJ and Sabu end up in the ring, while the rest of hte faces and heels run in to distract people from the shitpile in the ring.
Speaking of which, AJ gets the ladder up and climbs it, and Sabu pushes it aside, then runs across the ring, jumps from the chair and jumps onto a pile of security. The landing looked like utter shit. After a replay, Sabu ends up in the ring on the ladder, and Robert Roode randomly appears to clotheslines him down. Roode then... takes down the ladder? And sets it against the turnbuckle? Why?
Rhino appears to Gore Roode, then James Storm comes in to attack Rhino, and Sabu sets up the ladder so he and AJ can climb up together and such, and AJ keels over and falls off. James Storm then appears and smashes a beer bottle over Sabu's head and picks up AJ to shove him onto the ladder and push his butt up.
WINNAR: AJ Smiles
Fucking JB keeps calling him "A Chay Styles". Backstage, Jeff Hardy talks to Rob Van Dam and such. Hardy is perfectly willing to give RVD the title shot and risk losing it as soon as he wins it because he's a dumb bastard. Abyss randomly attacks the cameraguy, then "beats up" on Jeff Hardy, as the camera can't see it, and Abyss doesn't even try to make it sound realistic as he smacks on the walls and such. No matter what he's doing, it doesn't sound like he's striking flesh or clothing.
Commercials, then Video package for Abyss and the THEY! thing. Why wasn't Abyss even scolded or punished for BRANDING someone? For TYING THEM DOWN, BLINDFOLDING THEM, and putting SUPERHEATED METAL onto their flesh so it causes SEVERE THIRD DEGREE BURNING on them? I'm pretty sure Stone Cold Steve Austin got at least kayfabe arrested for far less than that.
Abyss then comes out with an unconscious Jeff Hardy in the ring, and he gets on the microphone to talk to Rob Van Dam, saying he's sure Van Dam's wondering why he has Jeff Hardy with him. Really? You have to ask? Abyss says seeing Rob Van tonight was like seeing a ghost. He was never supposed to come back, and the mere fact that he did only proves one thing; Janice is impotent and weak. I mean, because he's insolent and pathetic. That's what Abyssicles says about Rob Van Dam. He say THEY gave him orders to get rid of Rob Van Dam and he made the mistake of leaving RVD breathing.
He say on 101010101010101010101010, Janice and he are going to SLAUGHTER ROB VAN DAM. Call the cops, pls. So he calls out Rob Van in a squeaky tone. And Rob Van's music hits and he comes out waddling like a crippled fatty. Abyss arbitrarily tears off Jeff's shirt, then leaves to go and get attacked by Rob Van Dam's steel chair.
Rob Van Dam throws the chair at Abyss, and then tries something but Abyss shoves his boot at Rob Van and knock him down, then lifts him up by his hair and puts him against the turnbuckle corner so he can run at him and clothesline him. He then gets Janice, and starts stalking Rob Van Dam with it, like he's going to use it, and rip Rob Van Dam up, tear his flesh, make him bleed like I bled earlier today, beat the fucking fuck out of him, put holes in his flesh!
So naturally, it's absolutely PERFECT to end the show right there, with no resolution or final action whatsoever! Cliffhanger? I loved that movie!
TNA YAY: I didn't get to see Chaos's golden shower, so I youtubed it instead.
TNA BOO: Those matches, and those storylines. I miss Diva NXT.
TNA WTF: W H Y I S S T I N G F E U D I N G W I T H J E F F J A R R E T T ? ? ? ? W H Y D O E S H E N E E D I N F O R M A T I O N F R O M T E S S M A C H E R ???
Hey, I got a Twittery page now! Hook me up at http://twitter.com/CaptainHalo I'm very proud of my first twit. Check it out.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).