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TNA RANT

9/16/10

 

            Hey guys, Malcolm Not in the Middle here. My apologies to any readers caught off guard by Halo doing my report. Last week, Halo asked if I’d be up for a switch, not believing anything was worse than TNA (a valid argument). Due to sheer curiosity, I accepted and the rest is history.

 

            Halo seems to have survived fairly well, saying that it was fun. To her I say try recapping it for 20 weeks in a row, and then tell me how easy it is! But I digress, a deals a deal. So with out further ado, lets get this recap…

 

            I’m actually a bit concerned with this recap. TNA has a LOT of wrestling, and as you know, I am not particularly amazing when it comes to the blow by blows for wrestling matches. This could be shorter than my NXT rants! I’ll try to insert my own opinion here as much as possible, just to give this some meat.

 

            Show starts off with Angle and Jeff in the ring, with Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher come to the ring. Eric congratulates them for putting on the worst wrestling match ever.

 

            Didn’t see that one coming did ya? Come on people, you think that after all those rants complaining about SuperCena, that I’d let this one slide? Say what you will about Cena, he’ll stay down if you hit your finish (Least on TV, it may take more than one on PPV).  Yes, as bad as hate SuperCena… I feel like I owe him an apology after seeing this match. Angle if I recall took like 4-5 Twists of Fates, and a Swanton to the floor… and still kicked out.  Jeff took repeated Angle Slams, and was put in the Ankle Lock long enough that his leg should be broke… he didn’t even hobble.  Does the concept of “a finisher” mean nothing in TNA? Or what about selling? Is it too much to ask that Jeff at least limp? Psychology-wise, whether people want to admit it or not, this match was garbage.

 

            Also booking wise, it makes no sense. It makes The Pope (who could be their Rock if pushed right… excuse me, if pushed) look like a loser since he was the only guy who didn’t make the main event. It makes Anderson look like garbage too since he can’t kick out of finishers like that. Honestly, if the goal was to push Angle and Hardy, why didn’t Jeff face Anderson at the PPV, and Angle face Pope? Angle and Hardy can have their mega match, and Pope and Anderson can continue their feud. But no… TNA loves being stupid.

 

            Oh, and don’t get me started on the ending. There should have been a winner with that many restarts for one thing. For another thing, why is it a draw when the ref said Angle could not continue? That should have been a win for Hardy. And even if it was a draw, then Anderson vs. Pope should have than become the World Title match. It sets things up beautifully for a feud with Angle and Hardy with the winner for a future PPV… but no, TNA is garbage.

 

            Anyway, Bischoff congratulates them on making SuperCena look like Ric Flair, and announces all three will wrestle in a triple threat. Dixie comes out to say “No, that sounds like a horrible idea.” She then makes Angle vs. Jeff the main event for tonight with no time limit., winner faces Anderson at the PPV. She says there will be a winner… yeah okay.

 

            Pope in the back wanting to see Bischoff and is searching in the back. In the back, he bumps into Sting and Nash, shakes there hands, and asks how they are doing. Did you guys catch that? That was the Pope’s heel turn. BTW, turning the guy everyone WANTS to love into a heel, and doing yet another Monty Brown? Way to go.

 

OFF TOPIC: When did the Resident Evil movies stop being about Resident Evil? Oh wait, it never was, never mind.

 

            Tommy Dreamer is pumping gas (snicker) and he’s asked where EV 2.0 goes from here. Tommy responds with maybe they go home. Damn… remember when ECW was a group of young guys trying to make there own niche within a sea of old guys? When did they turn into those old guys?

 

            Hey a match!

 

Samoa Joe w/Jeff Jarrett

VS.

Kevin Nash w/Sting

 

            I don’t like this feud. It makes no sense, as do most of Sting’s heel turns. Why is Sting heel again? Why is Nash upset? Why is Jarrett helping the guy  (Hogan) who told him “His days of keeping the young kids down are over”? Why does Samoa Joe care?

 

            Anyway, this match is pretty much an extended brawl, eventually ending in a double countout.

 

Winners: Not the fans

 

            They fight for way too long afterward, as I wonder whatever happened to Samoa Joe the monster… and those guys who kidnapped him.

 

            We go to the back to see Lacey Von Eric kind of nude, and approached by Tara and Madison Rayne. Apparently they have a Knockouts Tag Title match… that isn’t surprising considering the Beautiful People are now 75% of the Knockouts division.

 

OFF TOPIC: Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep is crack on your PSP. BUY IT!

 

            We come back to Nash and Sting yelling at the cameraman. They say that Joe and Jarrett will not make it to 10-10-10. They fail to mention unfortunately WHY THEY ARE HEELS.

 

            On a side note, I think its pretty cool hearing all the wrestlers talk about 10-10-10, which happens to be the anniversary of my girlfriend and me. To entertain myself, I pretend that all the wrestlers are making a big deal about this in their promos. Its important to entertain yourself during TNA, as lord knows TNA isn’t going to do it!

 

            Jay Lethal has sold out, as he sports the yellow and red to the ring… sigh.

 

X-DIVISION TITLE MATCH

DOUGLAS WILLIAMS

VS.

JAY LETHAL

 

            This match was okay. Nothing to write home about as far as the X Division goes, but its okay. Jay Lethal in my opinion, is a victim of TNA’s ADD style booking. He was pushed hard in his feud with Flair… and suddenly he was gone from TV. He was in a feud with Ric Freakin Flair, and the bookers forgot to put him in the show one day. Then one day, one of them is like “Hey, aren’t we pushing Jay?” and the rest are like “Oh snap!”

 

            Yup, that’s just what the booking committee is like.          

 

            Oh, and Jay hits the Lethal Injection for the win and the belt.

 

WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Jay Lethal

 

            So… you’re just going to end Douglas Williams’ title reign, which wasn’t bad, just like that? No chase by the face? Heck, I didn’t even know Jay wanted the bloody belt. But you’re just gonna let this happen on free TV, not a PPV? Really?

 

            Anyway, they confetti the heck out of the arena as Jay celebrates with the fans. Honestly, is this really THAT big a deal? It’s not like this was Jay’s first title reign, or that this was the end of a really epic feud!

 

            Abyss in the back, dragging a dead body. So really, nothing new.

 

OFF TOPIC: I ordered Playstation Move.  Expect a full report from me soon.

 

            Angle is in the back with a generic promo about how Jeff is a really great wrestler but not a champion. Actually Kurt, the guy is like a 3x champion now. Pretending it doesn’t count because it didn’t happen in TNA really silly.

 

            So the Knockouts make there way out for the tag title match. Only thing really of note is that Tara slaps Rayne on the ass, and then they kiss. What? I’m a guy!

 

KNOCKOUTS TAG TITLE MATCH

HAMADA & TAYLOR WILDE

VS.

LACEY VON ERIC & MADISON RAYNE

 

            It’s a shame about the Knockouts Division. These women are all great wrestlers, and they draw ratings! However, they still are only a small percentage of the show. While I was a huge Beautiful People fan in the day, they use them so much; they pretty much are the division. Plus, due to sheer stupidity on TNA’s part, they lost a lot of their talent.  Really it was the beginning of the end when Gail Kim left.  From there, they lost ODB, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Roxxi. Just a shame…

 

            Another thing… why is Tara teaming up with the woman who got her kicked out of TNA in the first place? And why is she allowed back in if she’s finished in TNA?

 

            Anyway, again a pretty by the numbers match, funniest part being Taz questioning the logic in Lacey’s backflip elbow drop. I also found out I owe Melina an apology. As annoying as her screams are, they are nowhere near as bad as Madison Rayne’s constant screaming! Good lord!

 

            Anyway, champs retain after hitting Cryme Tyme’s old finisher on Lacey to win.

 

WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPS: HAMADA & WILDE

 

            Rayne is pissed and screams some more at Lacey for losing. Lacey likes her screaming as much as I do, and shoves her down. Tara responds by hitting her in the back with the bike helmet.  They beat her up till the Face Beautiful People make the save, and Lacey sides with them. Hooray?

 

            In the back… Dreamer walking.

 

OFF TOPIC: Can’t believe I missed Cole quitting on NXT!

 

            Jeff Hardy is really fat in his promo. Says he preferred the three way, but he’ll just have to beat Angle instead. Dude, 4 Twists of Fates couldn’t beat him. He’s pretty much a cyborg.

 

            Tommy Dreamer goes out… for hands down the best segment of the night. He tells us EV 2.0 ain’t here and asks for Fortune come out, as he wants to make a truce and end this feud. Fortune complies (Flair, Styles, Roode, Storm, Kaz, and Morgan) and come to the ring. BTW, Storm sticks out like a sour thumb in this group. I’m sorry I love Storm, but when everyone else is dressed to the nines, and you’re wearing a cowboy hat, jeans, and a white under shirt… you’re underdressed, dude.

 

            Dreamer proceeds to cut one of the most heartfelt and genuine promos of his career. He comes out and says EV 2.0 can’t hang with them and they just want to make a truce. He then proceeds to put over each member of Fortune, and the thing was you could tell Dreamer meant every word he said.

 

            He tells Storm that he is responsible for two of the greatest tag teams in history. He says that Storm has more talent in his pinky than the Sandman has in his body. Wow.

 

            He says Kaz could have had a job in WWE but left because he wasn’t happy. He says thanks to his decision; he has a career and met his wife. Something they both can relate to.

 

            He talks on how Matt Morgan was just a bouncer when he met him, and now he’s a superstar. He says while now big guys want to be the next Taker or Kane, in the future they will want to be the next Matt Morgan.

 

            He goes onto Robert Roode, whom he convinced Vince to offer him contract in WWE. Roode however turned it down to stay in TNA … dumbass. He called Roode a mix of Rick Rude and Curt Henning, which is a fair comparison.

 

            I’m going to skip what he said to Flair, cause if I hear one more “Thank you, Flair” speech, I’m going to vomit. Look I love Flair and all, but I think he gets it. Wrestling would not be where it is today without him, agreed. He doesn’t need everyone and their mother reminding him every other week!

 

            Dreamer calls AJ the best performer in the business, despite the fact he was eliminated early in the World Title tourney, and only has the TV title. He gives him a ton of respect for making him say I quit in their match, and for everything he does.

 

            AJ thanks him for his kind words, and shakes his hand and tells him he respects him… him and Fortune then proceed to destroy Dreamer all over the ring.            For whatever the reason, Kendrick runs down to shield Dreamer from the attack. He gets pwn’ed for his troubles.

 

            Fortune leave, as Kendrick gets to his feet to cuts a promo that makes me wonder if he’s high at the moment. Long story short, he challenges a member of Fortune.

 

OFF TOPIC: Still like this better than NXT

 

THE BRIAN KENDRICK

VS.

MATT MORGAN

 

            The size difference between these two is ridiculous.

 

            Now I know what you’re thinking. Easy squash match for Morgan right? Not only is Kendrick so small, he’s about the size of Morgan’s foot; also he was just attacked and hurt. Its stupid to think he has a shot…

 

            Yeah, Kendrick wins with a bloody dropkick.

 

WINNER: The Brian Kendrick

 

            W….T…F?

 

            A dropkick? Really? A weakened Kendrick beat a fresh and able Matt Morgan who is 4x his size… with a dropkick…*groan*.

 

            Backstage, Pope makes it to Bischoff’s “office” and wants in, but Miss Tessmacher won’t let him in. Pope responds by hitting on her, which she takes. Awesome.

 

OFF TOPIC: Wow, covering a two-hour show is hard!

 

            We cut back to Abyss who has yet another item he’ll never be able to use in an actual match. A branding iron named Bob. He uses it to burn “10-10-10” into the random guy to remind him my girlfriend and my anniversary is coming up. How nice of him ^_^

 

            Taz and Tenay have RVD… On the phone! Long story short, he says he’ll be back, next week… in most probably a backstage segment.

 

            Generation Me come down and Christ do they look like Old School Hardy Boyz. They claim that according to the TNA rules, if the belts aren’t defended in thirty days, the champs have to relinquish the belts. They figure this means they’ll get the belts I assume… which makes no sense, as the MCMG beat them last PPV, making them NOT the number one contenders. But whatever, its TNA…

 

            I do like how they insist they are not here to pay their dues, but they’re here to make there time now. Sabin comes in the ring and starts monkey stomping them. The numbers eventually get him, as they hit their finisher, a double elevated DDT. Nice sell by Sabin, I think he actually bounced!

 

            OFF TOPIC: I will be happy to get to the hour long format again ^_^

 

            We get the “stupid history of…” package as we head to the main event.

 

KURT ANGLE

VS.

JEFF HARDY

 

            This match was garbage… again. This match goes through three commercials breaks, and goes into TNA reaction... However for the sake of my sanity, I’ll just sum up.

 

            I mean really? Jeff was hit with two Angle Slams in a row, and still kicked out! He was put in the Ankle Lock for almost a minute, and once again didn’t even limp! And it just continues from there.

 

            Worse yet, they had Mr. Anderson came out to do commentary.  Listening to Anderson, he talks like he’s in such awe of the other two, you really feel like he shouldn’t be facing either guy. Jeff and Angle are burying him without having to wrestle him!

 

            And the ending is just horrid! Both Angle and Jeff apply leglocks on each other and clinch it in. At this time, there are two referees. This is due to a ref bump from earlier. Their shoulders hit the mat, and the refs count both guys out. What? So neither Angle nor Jeff heard the count? Not like they were being kept down, they literally just had to pop a shoulder up! And seriously… you hype up there being a winner throughout and give us this shit?

 

WINNER: Not the Fans

 

            Bischoff comes down and talks to Dixie. He announces that his original idea will happen, and that the Main Event at my girlfriend and my anniversary will be a Triple threat with Angle, Jeff, and Anderson. Well, this episode was pointless.

 

            So did Halo win? Naw. As much as I complained, it’s TNA. By now, we all walk in expecting them to be stupid. WWE should know better, hence why I get mad at their mistakes. Going into this show, I was expecting them to be dumb, and they didn’t disappoint. I guess I have higher expectations with WWE. I had fun, so Halo can keep me on tap next time she feels tired!

 

BEST THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE DEWEY AWARD: Giving it to the Dreamer Promo. Very well done, and very genuine.

 

AWFUL THING OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE REESE AWARD”:  Kendrick beats Morgan with a dropkick? Are you kidding me?

 

WTF MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, OR “THE FRANCIS AWARD”:  So apparently being put in a leglock makes you deaf, and unable to hear a ref’s count. Clearly.

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO MALCOLM NOT IN THE MIDDLE.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).