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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(09/17/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Here be time for TNA iMPACT! The show that gets worse the more you watch it. You know what I'm saying?

So there was once a video package, and it played on TNA iMPACT! and it involved Hernandez's voice repeating the same phrase again and again while semi-slow motion shots of Homicide inevitably betraying him. So it is to say that what? Don't interrupt me.

Show opens and we're introduced to MTV. Fuck, I'm watching the wrong show, BRB.

Okay, back now, where apparently MTV meant Motorcity Television... or something. So I just wasted that time pretending to be stupid and such.

NEWZ time! Jim Cornette got fired. So did BG James.

Motor Guns accuse Tenay and Taz of needing catheters. Michael Tenay is shocked that the murdering guns are here, and makes a stupid lame-ass quip of "FTW? MORE LIEK WTF"

Oh hey, here be womerns.

Tara and Christie Hemme vs The Horrible People

You know, this sucks. Christie looks twenty years younger than she is on video, with such great spunk and charisma and cuteness, and then when you(or rather, me looks for images of her online, she looks exactly her age, and is overall an average-looking disappointment.

SPEAKING of sucking, a match be here, featuring the month-long fired Angelina Luv, still unfired as of this stale-ass recording, starting it off with Tara and such. Velvet tries to shenanigan on Tara, and Anglinea attacks her from behind. She then chops VIctoria, who LOUDLY says "Oh my God" in a way that does not sound at all shocked or in pain, but more like someone just told her Kevin Nash collected all the stray pubic hair from the women's locker room and made a hat out of it. And now I may have made a bunch of you shout "Oh my God!"

Now Tara kicks on her and slaps and chops Angelina. Then she pulls her down for some kind of move where Angelina is back to back with Tara, and gets dropped on her legs by Tara. Then Tara goes to do the exact same thing again, only this time she flips her over to drop. Now Christie Hemme is tagged in, and they double team Angelina rather pointlessly. Nao Christie on her own starts to get dominated early on by Angelina, and now Velvet Sky is tagged in to toss Christie across the ring by the hair. The Taz provides an imitation of Velvet taunting Tara that is somehow even worse and more annoying than Velvet Sky's. She just keeps doing the exact same thing again and again before tagging in Angelina. Pin attempt on Christie fails.

Angelina irish whips Christie Hemme, then they do a double clothesline double-drop double out people thing and presumably to a hot tag to both partners. Tara beats on Velvet Sky, then does a snap suplex and a kip up, channels some Matt Harvey, then a standing moonsault on her. Christie tagged in, Tara scoop slams her, then Christie goes for the STD guillotine on Velvet. Angelina breaks up the pin then is tossed out.

Some fat Kelly Kelly randomly appears for some reason, and interferes to fuck with Velvet Sky. She was about to spray Velvet Sky with hairspray, but ends up spraying Christie Hemme with it. Then Velvet Sky pins her, and Madison Rayne applauds her. What the fuck...

WINNARS: The Horrible People, non-canon discontinuity

Aww, how gay. Madison brought her brown paper bag with her face on it, then turns it around, and on the back it says "I'M SORRY" with a sad face on it that looks like an upright this: =( They hug her and apparently make up. This is their backup for this sunday's PPV maybe now that Angelina Love was fired. Also gayly, Christie Hemme piggyback rides on Tara's back as they leave, undoubtedly giving Tara an STD from grinding her fire crotch on her back.

BACK with His Holy width="630"adictus I, who Lauren FUCKING RETARDEDLY states that the Pope has some sort of problem with Suicide. Are you fucking retardfed, Lauren? His Holy Blackness tells her we should refer to him simply as the Pope. Suicide must be enlightened by this dark black man dressed all in black and shown a path away from the darkness by this dark man all in dark dress. Pope says Suicidey (his word) is in his own personal hell and such, and the Pope is gonna resurrect him, only to *smack* Pimp slap him.. straight back to hell. He sounds like a black preacher. He says he's gonna beat up Suicide, then he's going to sexually molest Lauren (that IS what "I'm gonna lay my hands on you" means, right?)

He's awesome.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Bring back Jimmy King. Now.

Back now and it's some kind of match set now involving the avatar of Catholicism.

His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero vs Sui

Question, Michael Tenay: What is so mysterious about Suicide? Suicide rushes in and tackles the Pope, then beats him up on the outside of the ring, then rolls him in, climbs onto the apron and jumps over it for a leg dorp. THen he tries to do some wiggly biggly bullshit move, but His Holy Father simply reverses it into a nasty-ass STO.

The Pope rolls SUicide around, and does a springboard leg stomp thing from the rope. The audience chants something completely incomprehensible like the retards they are. The Murder guns get their chance on commentary, and accuse Suicide of being nothing more than a baker, since he wears bright red oven mitts. They also accuse Suicide of being gay, or a woman. Then they say he might be a Ken doll, like the Muse from "Dogma" Kevin Smith reference!

Also, the Pope scoop slammed him, then pimp slapped Suiocide greatly. Now Suicide is chopping, or as Robot Shelley says "Connecting with those giant oven mitts!" Awesome. The Pope beats him up, though, and pinfails. The Pope tries to choke, but the referee stops that shit, so he gets him into a crooked-y Camel Clutch. Shelley continues to be relevant by ignoring the match but claiming the Pope was in many movies he would never watch, and something involving bashing Twilight for being as terrible as it was. Michael Tenay fags it up by saying he prefers True Blood.

Suicide reverses some kind of irish whip thing and hits a dorpkick to the head. He tries to do his weak-as-fucking-fuck move Suicide Solution, hits it weakly as always, and he gets on the top rope to do some move that's just... it's not even a fucking move. He literally just jumps with the obvious intent of landing on his feet, not even trying to bend himself to land on the Pope. Stupid piece of shit. So obviously, the Pope lifts his legs up and "hits" Suicide, then hits the Elijah Express and winzit.

WINNAR: His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus the First

Backstage showing Rhino, inexplicably heel for no reason, walking down the halls.

Commercials came and went, but where was I? My mind hath wandered where my body could not roam alongside.

BACKSTAGE again with the World L33t fuckwits being interviewed by Laurie and such. OMFG Kiyoshimitsu gets on the microphone to say something in Japanese to Eric Young, who Child Smokes it up explaining how they got Homicide to join them, where he accuses Hernandez of doing all sorts of things I've never seen him do ever in the past six months, and then completely discredits everything he will ever say by claiming jealousy and envy are somehow American traits. The same America that gives more money to other countries than any other country in the world.

Homicide gets on and talks about remember how they said To live and die in LAX, and how Hernandez died, but Homicide lived. He then arbitrarily says Hernandez changed. When and where, I ask. He fags it up by saying "To live and die in World Elite".

Video package for Rhino.

Rhino now in the ring where he weakly tells everyone "Aw shut the hell up!" He says he's not one for ego and not one to look for the spotlight. And then he kayfabe wonders why he sucks. He says he's watched people move ahead of him constantly, then decides "Let's give Rhino a little push. Let's exploit his family, himself, his personal demons." And his personal demons is "Yeah, I like to have a couple of drinks and pass out every onece in a while." Jesus Christ, how fucking long ago was that?

Rhino says he trained Jesse Fail and such, and TNA was all like "hey awesome let's use this" then Jesse Fail failed and humiliated Rhino, so he had to kick his ass, and SHOCKINGLY "ass" isn't censored. So then Rhino arbitrarily turns his attention to Bobby Lashley for absolutely no reason other than Booker's discretion. He then whines and bitches about Dixie Carter talking with Bobby Lashley and such.

Then he criticizes Dixie Carter arbitrarily saying "Oh, btw, your opponent will be Rhino, nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah." So Rhino was understandably upset and says now to the camera, "I'm the WAR MACHINE Rhino, get it right, toots."

Brother Devon Hughes comes out to talk. He says it doesn't sound like Rhino is angry, but crying like a little bitch. Such succulent little twits as the TNA audience are, they chant "WHINER". Brother Devon says he had to calm Bubuh Ray in the back cos he wanted to killshit Rhino for not failing to beat the shit out of Jesse Fail. JESSE FAIL has nothing to do with politics, he says. Obligatory ECW reference as Devon says they (Dudley Boys) training Rhino, helping him in ECW, and how Rhino learned from his mistakes and such, and they wouldn't just kick his ass in the middle of the ring for his mistakes, and how it's the same as with Jesse Fail.

He says Devon and Rhino have something that can help make TNA the greatest wrestling company in the world. Rhino says he's right, and it starts with him whipping Devon's ass. What arbitrary delusions of dreamlike delirium that can inspire. He hilariously says "whipping your ass!" with the mic close to his mouth, but rather far away so his stubby little body can attack Devon quickly.

Holy hell I am bored. I wonder what it is.

Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir vs Hernandez

They start weakly beating on him as soon as he enters, but he just MEXES UP and shoves them away, then beats aside the most foreign of them, and irish whips the least foreign. Then he whips the Jap into the turnbuckle, the Persian next, then splashes on both of them. He hip tosses both of them at the same time, too. Abdul Bashir gets on the middle rope for a dropkick, and Hernandez is on the turnbuckle being punched and clubbed and his head in the turnbuckle. Kicks and such. The Sheik tries to neckbreak Hernandez, and does so eventually, prompting OBLIGATORY "SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK" and talk of Hernandez's neck injury. Kiyoshimitsu megafails a moonsault that Hernandez wasn't even on the ground for.

Hernandez shoulder bolcks, then gets Kiyoshi for the Border toss, and pins for the disgustingly easy win.

WINNAR: Hernandez, foreigners who don't need a boat or plane to get here.

Homicide appears on the apron to face him and talk shit, and Eric Young appears out of somewhere to beat on Hernandez with the chair. Homicide holds the feast or fired case against Hernandez's neck, and Eric Young hits it with a chair. Then we get an obligatory "YOU ARE THE HEEL! BOO!" shot of Eric Young looking like Bobcat Goldthwait to the camera. That's the best way I can describe it.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Of all the colorful villains "Batman: Arkham Asylum" has to offer, the best box art they had to offer was Batman standing around with a look on his face like he forgot what he came in here for?

Hey, it's backstage with ODB and Lauren. This is all about TEH DEANER winning a womern's belt. What's painfully hilarious is how Lauren puts over the Knockouts as striving so damn hard to be legitimate female competitors, and then Russo or someone just completely pulls the Jenga block out from under all that and buries the shit out of them by having CODY FUCKING DEANER win the championship in what amounts to a fucking fluke, and KEEPS IT FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH. David Arquette.

Alissa Flash vs Cody Deaner, Lumberjill Match

Cody is almost immediately tossed out of the ring, where Awesome Kong bumps into him, and all the other girls stomp on him. Robot Shelley claims the knockouts are jealous of him because he has more style than them. Roxxi and someone else double suplay Cory on the ramp. Then someone else irish whips him into the turnbuckle. He gets tossed into the ring and pinned by Alissa Flash, a cunning way to avoid man on woman violence. And by "cunning", I mean "complete waste of ass time"

WINNAR: Raesha Saeed

Afterwards, the women remember kayfabe, and heels and faces start fighting. ODB attacks Cody The Deaner on top ramp and poses.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I just lost The Game

Back with Kevin Nash drinking and looking useless in his locker room where Lauren comes in to presumably be raped after an interview. Some random blonde comes in with a photo album of some sort for him. Lauren criticizes him for not getting his priorities right. He has to face Mick Foley in the ring tonight. Another random woman appears with photos, and even Lauren has to admit they are great pictures! Kevin says "Ooh some nudes!" and Lauren EAGERLY wants to see! But Kevin SWERVE! Exposes her as a perv. Now he gets Lauren drinking wine. He starts sexually harassing her by touching her and flirting with her.

I suppose this is how it ties in with Chris Abyss's storyline feud thing? Some random obese woman who looks frighteningly like Vickie Guerrero appears and sits in his lap. Good God, her tits are literally exposed out of her shirt---they have to blur them. Kevin then does a beer-type Dos Equis style promo.

BACKSTAGE with Mick Foley and his tool, Jay Bee. Summarization, Mick Foley's gonna come back one step at a time and regain his championship, and says they will see a return of an old friend of his who said "COPYRIGHT INFRINGED". I mean, something about enjoying a pleasant day, but re-worded so it doesn't infringe WWF/WWE copyrights circa 1996-2000.

People often don't wonder why I call it a "Leges" Championship. I got it from this:

I'm like The Dude; 90% of all my dialogue is just copied from stuff I heard earlier in the movie!

Kevin Nash vs Mick Foley, TNA Leges Championship

Taz says you should never bet on pro wrestling. STOP SHOOTING, SENERCHA! Tieup by Kevin Nash and Foley, and they spin around until Foley is in the turnbuckle and is VERRRY... SLOWLY. KNEED. TWICE. Then punched a bit by Kebong. He keeps punching, again and again, then an elbow on him. It's been "all Nash" according to Tenay, and yet there have been zero actual wrestling moves thus far. Foley punches and kicks, then runs and knees Nash in the face.

Punchies by Mick Foley on Kevin Nash in the corner. Still no moves. Taunt, then Foley runs and buries his crotch into the side of Kevin Nash's face. Mick Foley then pulls a sock out from his penis, but KEBIN pulls the second rope down so Foley can fall out of the ring, only for Foley to grab his legs, but Kevin shoves Foley into the guardrail.

Still no moves. Nash smashes Foley's face on the ring steps, then chokes him with the sock, then slams his head on the guardrail again. Then he rams Foley onto the apron, then onto the steel steps on the other side. Back into the ring now, with Nash to do some slow elbows to Foley against the turnbuckle. Is all this country singer's signature moves done entirely with the opponent on the turnbuckle? Half this match has been punching and knees and elbows on the turnbuckle.

Nash chokes Foley and ZOMFG here comes Chris Abyss to save us from failure! And Mick Foley bladed for nothing as Chris comes in to disqualify him by interfering.

WINNAR: Kevin Nash

Nash applauds Chris's retardation, while Chris Abyss is really kind of a splitting image of a total Mankind ripoff. Foley turns his back on Chris as people chant "HUG!" at him, to show just how far Chris has fallen. Foley takes the barbed wire bat he gave to Chris many weeks ago and takes it with him.

Chris Parks no longer deserves the name Abyss. Most likely not his fault, but where else can I ooze my smark rage? Where it properly belongs?! That's pre-9/11 thinking, and 9/11 changed everything!

Backstage now with Buh Buh Ray sputtering with a nearly incoherent Jersey/New York or something accent. He's teaming with Robert Roode tonight, and he has Roode's back. Testify, says Roode, with a keen look of "I am scripted to say this" in his smile.

Chris Parks backstage whining and squealing and crying and running away from Lauren, because he's a total wreck over... whether or not he made Mick Foley angry. Thank you, Russo.

Scott Steiner and Brutus Magnus vs Robert Roode and Buh Buh Ray Deadly

Say remember when TNA released that Best of Tag Team DVD and had that big focus and emphasis on tag teams? Of course you don't, silly faggots. Scottle Steiner starts with Robert Roode, and Steiner immediately grabs Roode's leg and trips him down instead of a tie-up. Then slams Roode's face on the turnbuckle, and a big mist of something flew off of the turnbuckle. Now Steiner picks him up for a headlock, gets shoved, bounces off the ropes, shoulder blocks, runs again, gets elbowed by Roode, who runs, and does a knee drop on him.

Now Steiner is up and punching on Roode. Then comes Brutal Magnus, who gets instantly clotheslined by Roode, and Bruther Ray Deadly is tagged in and they double team the Romano-British. Big hand smack on his chest, and it's literally loudest I've ever heard. Brother Ray kicks Magnus after whipping him, then does an almost perfect Rock Bottom. Pinfail on Magnus. Now he's up, irish whipped, reverse, Steiner hits him from behind, Brutal Mange suplexes him, then PINFAIL! He failed a pin. Now he's on top of Bruther Ray punching, and tags in OH NOESZ SCOTT STEINER! See, cos he's big. He stomps on Bruther Ray, and Bruther Ray tried to grab the camera, but the world elite STOPS THAT SHIT FUCKING SHIT and shove his face.

The ever retarded crowd chant "HEY THAT'S CHEATING!", because they think they know so much better than Booker T. Bruther Ray gets irish whipped, and gets arguably the worst fucking clothesline I've ever seen as Steiner just sort of stands still with his arm out, Bruther Ray runs into it, then remembers what it is and keels over. Steiner pins, but then slips off to do pushups. Now Magnus is tagged in, he does almost nothing, and tags in Steiner again. Steiner chops him, but OH NO Brother Ray gets some offense in, so Steiner gets a belly-to-side suplex, which Taz calls a T-Bone suplex.

Taz then says Steiner did the T-Bone suplex first, and so he adopted it and made it his own thing. Bruther Ray gets a Brother Bomb on Steiner, and they both tag in their partners and Robert Roode just killshits Brutal Mangus many times with sharp clotheslines, then runs at him and Steiner for cltoheslines. Hilariously, Booker tries to reach out and grab his foot, but Roode keeps running, tries to pin Mange, but Steiner breaks it up.

Nao Bruther Ray beats on Steiner and Booger, and Roode gets a Fisherman's suplay on Brutal Magnus, but OMFG Big Roid Terry is on the apron with ROID RAGE! TEH DOUG appears and just sort of falls on top of Roode to break up the pin. This is apparently enough for Brutus to turn over and pin Roode for the win.

WINNAR: Brutus Kazakhinal and Scott Steiner

Video package for some nobody sports person who showed up in TNA for a pay per view and now has his own charity for some sports team I don't give a shit and so he wants to leech valuable TNA money which COULD pay for a Lance Hoyt or two trying to build a fucking media center for kids. Fuck kids, all they ever do good is suck cock and be annoying.

Now we get special EXTRA BONUS FOOTAGE of Bobby Lashley at the gym. He's leaving, and he responds to the camera dude's question about Rhino by saying "I'mma knock his ass out." That was a whole 2-3 seconds of footage that probably took an entire day to shoot and edit. I know because I took TV Production in High School, and passed it with a C.

Awesum Kong and Alissa Flash vs Sarita and Taylor Swift

Aweomse Kong and Taylor Storm to start, with Taylor failing and Kong just kicking her off her feet. Shelley and Sabin on commentary now, instantly being thirty hundred times better than Mike Tenay and Taz. Taylor kicks the top of Awesome's head, then runs and gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl drop thing. Raesha Saeed tagged in, and she runs, and double teams with Awesome Kong to be dropped ontop of Taylor in a move I will call the "Flying Carpet", pending viewing of her bottomless on the internet.

Raesha tries to hit Taylor, but she flips away to tag in Sarita, who Raesha quickly grabs for some kind of move, but Sarita flips away, but Raesha catches her anyway for some kind of nifty slam, and a pinfail. Alissa Flash then chops Sarita, then slams her into the turnbuckle and tags in Amazing Kong, and they both press their feet into her face and such. Kong slams herself into Sarita on the turnbuckle, then picks her up and snapmares, and chinlock, and lift into a spinning release drop and tag to Raesha Flash.

Kong is just like the Undertaker---very big, wear MMA gloves, wear soft armor stuff, are far more aerodynamic than people their size are usually, and make weird faces after matches, usually involving their tongues.

Raesha Saeed in to surfboard stretch Sarita, and Taz mentions looking at Awesome Kong's foot, mushmouths a bit, and concludes his pointless statement with the keen insight "She's got a big foot". Then he concludes "Could you imagine that foot getting inserted into your face? That would not be good." Raesha pinfails, and Taz says "You know what they say abotu chicks with big feet?" And nothing comes of that, really. Not worth repeating. Instead, I will waste time talking about this MATCH.

Raesha was going to get some kind of leggy submission move on Sarita, but just randomly stopped and ran into the turnbuckle for no reason, allowing Taylor Swift to tag in, beat up on Saeed, get a hurricanrana, and a rollup, only for Kong to break it up, and Sarita is randomly in to bounce off the ring ropes, run, and dropkick Kong in the face. She tries to do something to Kong, but she lifts her feet up, causing Sarita to dodge by jumping onto the apron, only to be smacked in the gut by Kong.

Saeed and Taylor fighting back and forth in the ring, until Taylor gets a German Suplay with a pin bridge and a winfall.

WINNAR: Taylor Storm and Sarita

Very obvious tension between Kong and Cheerleader Alissa, while Lauren pointlessly interviews the winnars outside the ring. Taylor sounds kind of like a boy, and Sarita looks disgustingly like my cousin. That's gross; she's ugly.

Random Randoming Random: Remember forever

Backstage with Jay Bee and Kurt Angle. Jay Bee was talking for a long time, but I literally just watched him, heard him, and understood nothing. Kurt Angle's speaking time. He talks about being the best in this craft, and how the people in the match against him will have to step up their game to be with him and such. I forgot who is fighting him, seriously. It's as if they don't even care about anyone outside of Angle and Morgan. Angle says he cannot and will not be defeated.

THE RUNDOWN (starring The Rock) FOR TNA NO SURRENDAR! Chris Parks vs Kevin Nash, and a bunch of other things you wouldn't want to pay money to see. CHRIS VS KEVIN!

BACKSTAGE now with AJ Smiles and Sting, neither of which are Styling. AJ anf Sting and I hear noises back around them like someone walking into the room, and Lauren says stuff and STING says they want to be the best. Sting says 20 years ago he wanna be the best, and he wanna be the best this Sunday. He says that doesn't mean he's gonna allow AJ to win the match this Sunday.

Expect their mutual "respect" to be a huge detriment that allows Angle to retain again. That has to be a fucking Fan Law. Buttlove between AJ and Sting.

Video package of Angle vs Morganite feud, which has almost nothing and no reason to do with Sting, who's only there to satisfy his ego and keep a big name on the card, and AJ Styles, who is obliged to be in the main event of every few PPVs as the avatar by which TNA can shove in critics' faces who say they only ever push ex-WWE/ex-WCW guys.

Kurt Angle comes out to join on pointless commentary for second week in a row or something.

Samoan Iosefvs vs BLUEPRINT OF DNA MATT MORGAN

Given the amount of time left in the boardcast, there's likely to be no match here. Joseph immediately attacks Morganite from behind, punchies on the turnbuckle, then slams onto him and OMFG PELE~! him in the head. Nonstop beating on Morgan, and then it comes to a stop with some weak punches, then choking him on the rope. Samoan Joseph makes a mook of himself by shouting "That's for you, Bossman!" RIP, Big Boss Man. You will be missed.

Morgan somehow gains advantage after Joe smacks his chest, then runs into Morganate's boot. Chemistry majors will get that previous reference compared to my past few weeks'. Joe slumps on the turnbuckle after Matt punches him up, then splashes onto him on the turnbuckle.

OH HAYELL NAW! Matt dun looked at Kurt crossways! Fucker then puts Joe on the top rope, and jumps on him, sliding off his head onto the outside. Perfect move to use in a Battle royal, where you'd get eliminated instantly.

Morganate gets reversed and now Joe kicks the shit out of his legs, then punches and slams, and gets a back suplay on him. But Morganate OXYDIZES UP (moar Chemistry references) and catches Joe in a chokeslam. Joe slowly gets up, then gets out of the ring, and pulls Morganate out. Slams his face on the guardrail, then on the apron, but OH NOESZ! More oxygen and Morganate reverses it. They start fighting inevitably towards the boardcast table, where Joe dorp-toe holds Matt Morgan onto the table, smashing into the monitors there, where Matt lands on Kurt, and he says "You son of a!" and attacks Matt Morgan

WINNAR: Matt Morganate, via DQ

Angle starts killshitting Morganate, but OMFG CHRISTOPHER DANIELS comes out and saves him.

Back from televised consumerist advertising and they're still fighting, with shitloads of refere3es and securitah unable to do their jobs properly by breaking up this fight. Morgan proceeds to place his hand on Angle's butt. ANd keep it there. Granted, he's trying to get Angle off of him, and get to his feet at the same time, but still. Ass. And I thought it was only Karen who liked anal.

While i was being a perverted cunt, Angle did an Olympic Slam on Morganate, and broke the Motor guns' commentating table. Sad days.

UPPITY: I liked how Morgan touched Angle's butt. Liable to set off nonexistent slash fiction and further Rule 34 usage. The Knockout tag team match was stunningly non-"I am womern, hear me wrestle like an amateur" style that I got from a lot of the matches in SHiMMER Volume 1, and in many ways they wrestled in a heart-warming way that warmed my heart as I realized "These cock-loving chicks just showed they can wrestle in a way that reminds people of wrestling, and not of slippery on-the-brink-of-total-catastrofuck Diva style the WWE puts forth for Botchamania fodder.

DOWNCAST: GET KEVIN NASH OUT OF THE FUCKING RING. Just take the mask off Chris Parks and start calling him "Chris" so he can at least play his retard gimmick without being a total ripoff of Mankind.

CLIMATE FORECAST: This was a lot better than the mess of the last two weeks or so. Good God those were horrible. There's still oodles of stuff that just borders on "this is retarded enough to make it on a Hall of Shame somewhere" going on, and then I no longer wonder why Vince Russo has his own fucking page on TVTropes.org

... EARL FUCKING HEBNER!

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).