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So! How about that RAW, huh? I only bring it up because it's the only other wrestling I watch. ECW? Fuck you. I'm still holding a nonexistent grudge against ECW for my recap back in November 2007 being rejected. And no offense to Cornelius McGillowaius, but his recap is the best part of the whole show. We, too, must inform readers of the essential aspects of wearing no clothing during recaps, or drinking copious portions of carbonated drinks to maintain our fan-approved sense of decency and greatness.

So Bob Barker was there. I thought he and his segments were the best parts of the show. But that can only honestly be because I never watch the wrestling.

Also, I meant to say this many weeks ago, but anyone look on WrestleZone's scrolly thing? When did Bryan Danielson die?


So I love the concept of the Mirror Universe in Star Trek. It's infatuated me more so than the Foederati. Terran Empire rules it all, and since I pre-ordered Season 2 of the series on Blu Ray, I'm not going to spoil it by watching that one, but I did go and watch the Enterprise episode of the mirror universe, and it was fun. They opened it with the clip from "Star Trek: First Contact" where Zefram Cochrane makes first contact with the Vulcans, only in this one they made it so rather than extend his hand in friendship, he reaches into his coat, pulls his shotgun, and kills the Vulcan, and all the Terrans rush the ship.

It was shocking, and I have a video clip here:

As fun and such as the Empire is and such, they're unfortunately not very bright. They're stupid enough to follow a policy of Sith Advancement, meaning if you want to be captain, you kill the captain and become captain yourself. Then you yourself subsequently get killed by someone else looking to be captain. And they follow the Roman mid-Empire style of "Anyone who gains even just the slightest of military advantages over their peers will declare themselves Emperor and march on Rome".

But it was fun. I think I'm rather like an Imperialist myself, but my Empire would be far much more... logical. Hint hint...

Also, since when did Commander/Captain Tony Shaloub get skinny and have his face melted?

Time for TNA iMPACT! stuff. I... what? They show us what happened last week in a match, and I honestly cannot remember any of what I'm seeing.

Oh no, it's an opening match, that was started early.

British Invasion and Scott Steiner vs Team 3D and Robert Roode

Apparently this is some kind of gauntlet thingy where there's a countdown and more people come in. Already my head is hurting. Booker T comes out. Booker T yanks top rope down and sends Roode otu of the ring, then beats on him. EARL FUCKING HEBNER has his back turned as he yells at Devon for being black. Booker gets tagged in and blacks it up with them beating on Roode. TEH DOUG gets in to beat on Roode. I meandered off to stuff, but Roode now gains the advantage, reverses an jumping thing and back body dorps.

James Storm comes out wearing a beer helmet and carrying Beer Money inflatable stick stuff he gives to the audience. He clearly doesn't care his partner is being shitkicked. Oh wait, Roode is in control now, tags in james Swift, and they double suplay him. Then they do their Beer Money taunt. Storm bounces off the turnbuckle and kicks TEH DOUG when he tries to reverse shit. He powerbombs, but then Booker T blacks it up and randomlywidth="630" TEH DOUG tries to pin, but fails. Then he tags in Steiner.

SCOTT STEINER now beating on James Swift, then a belly to belly suplex, pinfails, picks him up, failed suplex and Robert Roode gets tagged in for hot tag of fire house. But Steiner reverses his irish whip, gets shoulder bolcked, and gets onto second rope for a jumping neckbreaker on him. Pinfail as the Brits are there to break it up. DOuble clothesline by them fails, and Devoy double clotheslines them both from behind, and now comes the point in the match where tag team rules are no longer obeyed. Devon beats up Steiner and pinfails, then everyone gets into the ring to fight.

3D by Team 3D on Big Poppa Rump, then Magnus randomly slips in to pin Steiner. What? What the shit?

WINNAR?: The MEM and British Invasion, but not the MEM?

What fucking kind of match was this? MEM and Britons fight, and we get backstage footage of ghetto-ass Kurt Angle being ghetto-ass and yelling at his TV.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Harvey Harvey Harvey Dent is looking for love again in a new romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston. Boy he sure got over Rachael Dawes quick.

Kurtle backstage yelling at the Britons, then comes White Eric Young to yell at Ghetto-ass Kurt Angle.

Kurt's jungle fever is taking hold. First it was his rap song entrance, then loving black women, now dressed like a gangster with his little knitted woolie hat thing and stuff. He come to talk shit n' dow (throw) down wit Matt Morgan, that Aryan bastard.

Matt Morgan comes out, looking all Blueprinty. Angle believes Morgan has not understood Angle's good intentions, and he's maybe too immature to understand Angle has his best interests in mind. IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS, BUY OUR SHITTY PAY PER VIEW, and Kurt says Matt Morgan is on the cusp of being the NEWAST member of the nWo. Morganite guesses there's just ONE MOAR thing to do--- and Sting's music hits.

Sting comes out with A Jay Styles. Taz says Sting a few weeks ago talking AJ off the ledge "say to speak"... Fucking Taz. Sting has shit to say, and says it's a complete mindblow to him that he would think Kurt has his back for one second. Hahahaa... blow. Sting says if he were matt Morgan, he would get up in Angle's face and shout "I'M MATT MORGAN! AND III AM THE BLEWWWPRINT! III AM THE DNA OF TNA!" Sting asks about Morgan's other catchphrase, then gets in Angle's face again pretending to be Matt Morganite, then backs off and wonders why Morganite wouldn't say that to Kurt Angle. He says take a look at Main Event Mafia, then take a look at himself, THEY NEED HIm, NOT THEY NEED YOU. Angle criticizes him for being all mentory, Angle says he thought AJ took his ball and went home. Naw, dawg, he just jacked that shit.

Angle says Sting wants to use AJ to steal the TNA Championship again, and that all old wrestlers want to hold the championship forever for their last moment in the sun and such, then says the difference between him and Sting is Angle is fully willing to admit he's an asshole who will try to keep his title. AJ's hearing aide blew, so he needs Angle to repeat it. Morganite then thanks Angle for admitting that he's using Morganite. LOL FAILANGLE! What a fucking kayfaberetard. Angle swears it's not like that, but Morganite says it's exactly like that. Morgan than offers Kart Angle to "use him" tonight. Hahahaaa... "use me, Kurt, oh yeah, use me, Kurt, use me, just like you planned on using me at No Surrender! OOOH YEAH USE ME HARDER"

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Semper Fudge

Back with Lauren and EARL FUCKING HEBNER about the OMFG MONTREAL SCREWJOB of Earl Hebber disqualifying Hernandez for disqualifying because Eric Homicide interfered and got him disqualified by beating up Sting.

Hold. Break. Pause. End. Pause Pause Pause Pause.

Is she serious? Is she fucking serious?

Is she out of her motherfucking mind?

I will try to do this without cursing or screaming or yelling:

Little Laurey-puu, it doesn't matter just who interferes in a match that gets someone disqualified; all that matters is that they interfered. It could have been Homicide, it could have been Eric Young, it could have been the Ultimate Warrior, it could have been Joe Shit the Ragman, it doesn't fucking matter, because all that matters is that they DID interfere, and they DID get Hernandez disqualified, regardless of whether it was intentional or not.

Who books this shit?


EARL FUCKING HEBNER is angry at Lauren, and defends himself by claiming he knows nothing, and says he told them "Trust nobody". He learnt that shit from Stone Cold? Or maybe he taught him that.

OMFG Mick Foley's kids are playing on the couch in his office! If I didn't hate children, I'd say it was sweet. Jay Bee asks him a stupid question, and Foley says he's looking forward to next week with big Teh Shemxy, and DOCTOR STEVIE randomly appears. But Foley says 14 years ago, they both strutted out of the ECW Arena and stuff. DOCTOR STEVIE IS NOT AMUSED! Claims his name is Doctor Stevie now. I'll remember that, Mr. Stevie. Doctor says he used to be a wrestler, and that he's a professional wrestler, because Foley wants Doctor vs Chris for the $50,000 bounty stuff. Doctor vs Chris tonight.

Tag Team Tournament stuff for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship stuff, because the Knockouts need a new title now that CORY FUCKING BEANER is Knockout Champion.

Daffney and Cheerleader Alissa vs Taylor Wilde and Sarita w/ Cute butt-bumping entrance

Mike Tenay and The Taz helpfully point out that there is a covered red object in front of them, which Mike Tenay wonders what it is, then correctly presumes it is an object covered by a red tarp.

Taylor MILDE faces Alissa Wilde now, and Alissa reverses an attempted JUDO SUBMISSION into a powerbomb. Now a wristlock, and Taylor manages to tag in Sarita, then springboards off the rope to knock Flash down, then Sarita does a top rope armdrag, then gets helped up by Taylor for a big splash on her. Now they up after a pinfail, whip Alissa, and Sarita fails the dropkick, and gets clotheslined down by Cheerleader Alissa.

Alissa grabs Sarita's hair, then tags in Daffney, who punches and smacks and chops and uppercuts. Irish whip, and she stays still to be armdragged, then Sarita does a senton flip splash and pinfails. The Taz's commentary is tame and weak compared to Heel Don West, fumbling over a mouthful of marbles trying to churn out something to the amount of Daffney having "gothic goodies" and shit. Fuck.

Taylor Wilde ends up inside, fights Daffney, gets whipped into Alissa's knee, then clotheslined. Alissa Flash gets tagged in and she picks up Taylor for a scoop slam, then bounces off ropes, only to stop, and BOOT her in the head. Now stomping on her. Grabs Taylor's head, and tags in Daffney, to kick Taylor's torso. Daffney runs and slams her knee into Taylor's gut, then gets her on the ground for an abdominal stretch. Taylor manages to knee her in the face, and both of them crawl over to tag their partners in. Sarita just sort of slaps Alissa, then runs down Daffney, and returns to irish whip, but gets reversed, and both Saffy and Flash catch her, but she manages to free herself and Tornado DDT Daffney, and Taylor comes in to smack the shit out of Flash's head with her foot. Sarita picks Taylor up to kick Flash, then moonsault on her, then pinfail, then Daffney breaks it up and gets tossed outside with Taylor.

Sarita slams Flash with some kind of move, and pins. The Taz has a racist spic freakout of sorts.

WINNAR: Sarita and Taylor Wilde

BACKSTAGE NAO with White Eric Young being interviewed by Jay Bee. Child Smoker talks some shit about giving Kurt what he deserves, and how they do whatever it takes. For something. He didn't say "to win" so it may be "to fail" or "to bury" or "for pussy". They say they'll always do the right thing no matter what, and says his door is always open for Kurt.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Did you just say "Semper Fudge"? No, I said the right thing

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with Suicide being interviewed regarding His Holy Father the Pope trying to hustle Suicide. Suicide lived and died on the same streets in Vatican he preaches from. Suicide represents a threat to His Holy Father, the Pope. He says he will cleanse the wicked. But HE'S the Pope! YOU'RE the sinner, faggot!

Motor City Guns come out, with their Murder gun tissue box in hand, and Robot Shelley tosses napkins around on the ramp. They circle the thing covered in red, and OMFG! It's a totally new broadcast table just for the Motor guns. If these two replace Taz and Tenay permanently, I will buy every TNA event and DVD ever, brand new. Oh shit, Shelley has sunglasses like The Taz. They hilariously make fun of Jay Lethal and how they don't like him, hope he loses, and looks like he's wearing a cup.

Black Macho Man Jay Savage vs His Holy Father Blackidictus I

Oh shit, So Cal Val randomly appears to take the Pope's jacket. The Taz only gets hilarious with the Murder guns about, as they make a joke of the Pope being resident winner of the Michael Jackson lookalike contest, then they wonder if joke was too soon, and The Taz says "That joke just killed, man"

Black on black violence starts with a tie-up. The Taz is apparently incapable of not calling him Robert DeNiro. Tie-up again, on the turnbuckle. Jay Lethal gapes at him after being chopped, looking all stroke-y Randy Savage-y, then starts jabbing him, irish whips, two armdrags, armbar, Robert DeNiro gets up, jumps and Jay slips under him and armdrags, then doprkicks him out of the ring. Then he runs and suicide dives him through the ropes. SIN! SIN SIN SIN SIN!

Jay gets back on apron and tries to jump on the Pope, but His Holy Father crotches him on rope, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Disgusting impact as Lethal lands on his head and neck on the apron. They're back in the ring where the Pope does a Holy Uppercut, then a Holy Knee on his shoulder against the rope, then a jumping... total ripoff of Matt Morgan's slide across their back onto the outside of the ring. Another replay of Lethal's head landing. The Pope is on the top rope to jump and get easily kicked in the gut by Lethal's prone form.

We get a totally useless, Russo-style "let's interrupt a match with two negros" to show the MEM heading for the WE lockerroom. Lethal clotheslines the Pope a bunch, then irish whips but it's reversed, and he does a Chyna flipping springboard reversal, tries for a pinfail, but Pope is back up, tries some kind of move but gets flipped over by Lethal, then dropkicked in the face, and a pinfail.

Chop by Lethal, then he jumps over him to Sunset Flip. The Taz says Lethal is stuck in a time warp and thought Taz was Don Muraco. Didn't they fucking acknowledge this on multiple occasions that he KNOWS he's parodying the Macho Man as just a respectful gimmick? Fuck TNA. The Pope pulls down his kneepads, and waits to do his Elijah Express, and pins him. LOL! TNA's not even bothering to try with that name; they call the "D'Angelo Dinero Express". Are you fucking kidding me.

WINNAR: His Holy Father Blackadictus I

Backstage now with Ghetto-ass Kurtle telling everyone to shut up so he can soak up the spotlight and talk about how the WE should understand that they need the MEM because together they're awesome and stuff. Child Smoker says Brutal did what he had to do to win and pin Scotty. He says they need each other as a team and handshakes Angle saying they need to rule together as a team and such. Scotty mushmouths something like "Any du foreigners got anything d'say?" Then spits on the floor and says "That swuttai thinka foreigners". The Taz says "Ah, Steiner's so PC", prompting Mike Tenay to legit laugh.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Enjoy those tacos now, for in a thousand years they will be illegal. I think we all know why... ANTI-TACO LEGISLATION, DISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!

Murder guns are still here, talking about how they need their tissues to clean their wet penises off after masturbating to the Beautiful People's entrance, staring at their asses and such. Also, if you order a Beautiful People person poster online from Don West, Joe Montana will sign it AND an apple core for them.

Finally I can identify Madison Rayne without her Horrible People makeup; she looks like Kelly Kelly, with less of a horse face.

The Beautiful People vs Madison Rayne and Roxxi Laveaux

Everyone ignores the fact that she was basically fired. Some guy is hilariously making faces and gestures behind Velvet Sky, and giving her bunny ears. SOME ASSHOLE INSIDER in the front row managed to get a "Roxxi Rules" sign in. Match starts with Roxxi vs Angelina Love, irish whip, pick up for a Samoan Drop, then a senton splash and pinfail on Angelina. Irish whip by Roxxi, but Angelina jerks her head back and slams her onto the map. Double elbow dorp by the Horrible People on Rocksy, then Velvet steps on Roxxi's disgustingly thick neck to choke, irish whips, but reversed and gets smacked in the face with a forearm. Now Madison Rayne tagged in, double irish whip, double back elbow, pinfail.

Madison irish whips Velvet, gets reversed, and NASTILY gets her hair grabbed and jerked back, smacking her onto the mat by Angelina on the apron. Angelina Love stomps on Madison, then slams her into the turnbuckle, and we get lots of ass of Velvet's. Tenay makes a subtle gay reference as Taz was looking at the Guns instead of Velvet's ass through the monitor. Velvet is tagged in to dominate Rayne, now shoulder block, then slap, taunt to build her momentum meter, but Madison Rayne had a SMACKDOWN! saved up and she unloads it to reverse, and tag in Roxxi who kicks and punches everyone, then Fallaway Slams Velvet Sky.

At this point in the match, tag team rules seem abandoned, as Roxxi Voodoo Dorps Angelina and pins, but fails it. Somehow, Roxxi tags in Madison Rayne. They try to doubleteam, but Velvet tripped up Roxxi. Angelina rolls up Roxxi, using her tights, pulling it up and prompting a totally pointless censor-pixelation of her ass crak beginning.

WINNAR: THe Horrible People

BACK IN THE ORIFICE with TEH DEANER in Mick Foley's, with him saying how he has lots of experience fighting OFF Womerns, but not so much fighting AGAINST womerns. So he wants a match against a womern tonight. He shows off his skillz: Walker Texas Ranger high kick, a Donkey Punch, and wants a MAMAJAMAAAA match, which somehow translates to "MMA". Foley called him Beaner.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: You ever get that moment some time, somewhere you are, where suddenly, for whatever reason whatsoever, you have absolutely no fucking idea how you got to be in any way qualified to be where you are right then and there?

Back where Foley is outside, is all happy pants and thumbs up with the Murder guns, then snubs them and goes to sit in between Tenay and The Taz, and here comes Chris Sabin to offer Foley a bunch of tissues.

Chris Abyss vs Doctor Stevie

Awesome; Chris gets BLUE FIRE for his entrance. And I know how they do that, too! Chemicals! Doctor doesn't get an entrance, because he rushes in and beats up on Chris from behind. They're in the ring now and Doctor Stevie lets his hair down all Stevie Richards-like. Doctor beats on Chris some, but CHRIS NOSELLS THAT SHIT! Doctor keeps punching, but Chris Abyss NOSELLS THAT SHIT and takes off his coat. That is hardly a finger wag and eye-widening. Chris Abyss clotheslines him, then does his retard Eugene handclap thing. Good God.... he has a retard look on his face as he waddles across the ring to splash Stevie in the corner, then a Black Hole slam for a squash.

WINNAR: Chris Abyss

OH NOESZ! Here comes Kevin Nash to arbitrarily attack Chris. He did a shitty job sneaking up on him, but he manages to clothesline Chris Abyss somehow, and now knees him in the gut, and now DOCTOR tries punchy on Chris. OH NOESZ! Mick Foley can't stand this shit, so he runs into the ring and eventually reaches Doctor Stevie and throws him out. Kenny Rogers, realizing his inability to move faster than Mick Foley, flees the ring.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Some retard on Yahoo Answers politics section apparently thinks MTV is a liberal propaganda machine. MTV. MTV. MTV.

Back, and HERE IS THE WORLD L33T and Child Smoker to again appeal to Hot Stuff Hernandez. ROFL! Camera cuts to Robot Shelley in his seat... playing TNA iMPACT! on Playstation, completely ignoring the guys in the ring. He picked Shark Boy for himself, what a fag. Oh yeah, Eric Young's working his broke-ass lungs hard, as his face is burning hot pinkred. Some random fagmusic plays and no one knows what it is. OH SHIT, IT'S EDD--HECTOR GUERRERO!

Hectoooooooor comes to the ring. He's all crazy eyed and gangbanger looking all like "Hernandez ain't comin ooooout esseeeeeeeeeee". He's all like crazy spic-eyed in his face. Gobbledy Gooker curses a bunch, getting censored, and saying "esse" a lot. He says he's got one thing in mind: give back to YEEEWW, YEWWW the public. Are we Americans, esse? Ah we Americans, esseee? Naaah, esse, we not American, esse, but j00 know what? Dis is our cuuuntryyyy esse! AND DEEZ ARE OUR PEOPLE and our FANS ESSE!

Wait, I thought Hector was born in Texas. No, that was Eddie. He says they should give up on Hernandez, co it gonna get outta hand, esse! Child Smoker yells back at him, because HE IS THE HEEL! BOO! He blames the people for treating them like 2nd class citizens and such, and says Hektor should understand because he's not an American, never have been, never will be. How old is he? Seriously? Unless he's totally illegal. Child Smoker with his purple face says the only reason Hector's standing there is because he respects him. Then he says he wants Hector to go to the back and pay close attention to the show, because he'll give him a reason to talk to Child Smoker face to face.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: For what intent and purpose is the overall atmosphere surrounding the temperament of the situation of such an unsubtly firm and morose tone?

Tara comes out in her MMA gear of a pair of gloves and skintight shorts covered in black electrical tape, and the Murder guns points this out.

Tara vs Cody Deaner (MMA Rules Zzzz)

TEH DEANER's MMA gear is a wrestling helmet and gloves both covered in duct tape, pink pants with duct tape at the bottom, and a mustace which according to Chris Sabin, commands authority, or marks one as a child molesting dad. TEH DEANER taunts and such. Tara lazily tosses her hat away, then prepares to punch n stuff. She punches him in the head hard. She dodges his punch, punches him up, and kicks. Zzzzzz. He tries to dive, but misses, and she takes him down for a few minutes of ground-hugging, UFC style, but he rope breaks.

TEH DEANER tries to kick, but she kicks his leg, then his face. Zzzzzz. Now she's on top of him pretending to punch his head, but he covers up, so she gets him in an armbar, but he ropebreaks. Zzzzz. He tries to lunge at Tara, but he tackles the referee. Tara keeps punching at him. Zzzzz. OH SHIT, REAL WRESTLING as Awesome Kong appears and smashes Tara in the corner, then gives an implant buster. Referee gets up and sees she's out, so assumes that he just broke Spike TV rules and beat her like proper Alabama Man does.


Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Jeff Hardy got arrested for drug posession and intent to distribute. My stomach feels very warm and delighted.

Back with Lauren interviewing CORY DEANRE and he says he belongs at the top of the list with people like Tony Danza, Mike Tyson, Carrot Top, and he beat that Spider Monkey, and he's gonna beat up on ODB at NO SURRENDER, and says he will continue being the first TNA Knockout champion that doesn't "pop a squat". Who booked this shit?

RUNDOWN of No Surrender lineup. It looks quite terrible, but that's what everyone says about them all the time.

SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE TIME of Bobby Lashley in a gym being approached by Rhino. Mike Tenay's voice pretty much completely reveals he's a MOTHERFUCKING LIAR when he says this is the first time they're seeing it, just like the rest of us. Rhino randomly beats up on Bobby Lashley, screaming "WELCOME TO TNA!" Thanks!, Lashley screams back, and Rhino nods his head and leaves. All of that is very, extremely true.

AJ Styles and Daniels Daniels vs Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe

Hey, remember long time ago when I ranted and raved about how the MEM claimed they were going to take over TNA, then proceeded to do the exact opposite things than they claimed? And remember how they completely abandoned that shit within two weeks? Who books this shit?

Matt Morgan comes out to say "Fuck you!" to every wrestler who had to buy a ticket to their own company's promotion by coming out and sitting in a chair at ringside to watch. Angle and DANIELS DANIELS start off, headlock, takedown, punches, running, Christopher dropkicks, then tags in AJ who grabs Angle and scoop slams, then runs back and does a high splash on him, and a PINFALL FOR THE THREE! No, not really. Why do they even bother to pin so early in the match? Samoa Joe gets tagged in and quickly hurricanrana'd by AJ.

The Taz remarks that the Murder guns are still at ringside playing video games. Daniels Daniels beats on Joe only to be countered and have Joe punch him up, then irish whip, but Daniels Daniels gets his boot up, then hits a running Code Breaker, and tags in AJ, who chops Joe, then whips into Daniels Daniels' elbow, then a double team which sees Daniels Daniels run up AJ's back and clothesline Joe. Joe still gets up and chops down AJ. AJ's head slammed into turnbuckle. AJ Irishw hipped, reverses something, then runs at Joe to get Standing Rock Bottom'd. Kurtle is tagged in, and he just pinfails immediately. Then a rear naked hug.

AJ stands up and breaks free, then runs at Angle only to be belly to belly suplayed. Pinfail. Samoa Joe tagged in, and they both go for a double suplex and hit it. Now Samoa Joe in and beats up AJ Styles. AJ tries to fight back, but gets powerslammed by Joe, then puts AJ in an armbreaker, but AJ flips his legs about and hits the ropes with his toe. Joe gets AJ up, AJ tries to punch, but Joe picks him up, he slips out, and OMFG PELE~!!!! out of nowhere on Joe. Joe manages to tag in Angle, and DANIELS DANIELS is in to beat up on Angle. Lots of punches, clothesline, and an STO-type thing by him on Angle, then Daniels Daniels runs at turnbuckle, misses, Angle tries an Angle Slam but gets reversed into arm drag, and Daniels Daniels tries a submission hold.

Samoa Joe tries to break it up but Daniels Daniels gets out of the way, then kicks him in the face. DANIELS DANIELS tags in AJ, then picks up Angle for a standing Rock Bottom, then gets up for a BOWEL MOVEMENT EXTREME, followed by an AJ Stryles Frog Splash. Joe breaks it up with a Senton splish, then Daniels Daniels throws him outside, and they fight outside, but OMFG STING threatens Joe, but then Morganite stands up with his chair, offering it to Angle to use. Shenanigans are obvious, as Morgan holds it, but Angle gets stopped from throwing AJ into it, and AJ throws Angle into it. Morganite doesn't care. He mouths "oops!" to the audience. AJ pinfalls.


Morganite gets in the ring with Kurt, and says all "My bad" and stuff while still looking smug. Kurt slaps him, then Morganite kicks, and goes for a Hello Vader. Then he takes off his shirt for no reason. Wow, you can't see his abs, really, but they're a slightly darker tint, so it looks like his abs are dirty.

SUDDENLY WE'RE BACKSTAGE where the World Leet has beaten up on Homicide and are bringing him to the ring.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Semper Fudge

BACK INT HE RING with Child Smoker calling out Hernandez to join the World Leet, or they'll kill Homicide. Or they'll.. commit Homicide. HAHAHA See what I did there?

Hernandez comes in to jump over the apron and take out two of them, then beat up everyone else. He throws Sheik Abdul Jabbar onto the others. Child Smoker tries to hit him with a chair, but Hernando catches his chair, and Young FLIES out of the fucking ring. Hernandez looks to Homicide and gives him the chair. Anyone who doesn't see what happens next is a F U C K I N G R E T A R D.

Homicide directs his atteniton to the Britons outside, they flee, then Homicide smacks Hernandez in the back of the head with the chair. Technically, I have the video paused at right here:



OHHHH!! You win, Russo. I was wrong; Homicide hit Hernandez in the BACK. WHAT A FUCKING SWERVE~! The World Leet all rushes in then, with Child Smoker directing everything, and they irish whip Hernandez so Big Roid Terry can clothesline him, then for the Britons to do some clumsy double team thing where they wrench his arms, then walk to either side of one another, and force him down. They're all doing their finishers n shit on them, I guess. See, I wouldn't know, because neither Sheik Jabbar nor KiLuigi have been in a fucking match for months. Homicide's grin is weird-looking, and oddly white.

Child Smoker and Homicide shake hands. Homicide curses loudly, since he's being bleeped. Then he covers Hernandez in a Mejico flag.

IT'S ALL GOOD: Joe and Angle vs AJ and DANIELS DANIELS was good fun for being tame televised match, Jay Lethal finally appearing in a match, jobbing to His Holy Father Pope Blackadictus Burke in a great match. Motor City Machine Guns are the best commentary team since Jim Ross and Paul Heyman in 2001. Cheerleader Alissa and Daffney vs Sarita and Taylor Wilde was great.

IT'S SO BAD IT'S BAD: Who the fuck was stupid enough to make it all "EARL FUCKING HEBNER EQUALS CONTROVERSY, HE DISQUALIFIED HERNANDEZ BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HOMICIDE ATTACKED, BUT IT WASN'T HOMICIDE, SO HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DISQUALIFIED HERNANDEZ" completely oblivious of the fact that IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT WAS HOMICIDE OR NOT. SOMEONE ATTACKED STING, THEREFORE HERNANDEZ IS DISQUALIFIED! That MMA match of Tara vs Deaner was bad. Not because it was a poorly written, unfunny comedy match, but because it was an MMA match. Too much punching and kicking and ground hugging, not enough pretend wrestling.

WHO BOOKED THIS SHIT?: I'm beside myself at the sheer stupidity of the idea that Eric Young pretending to be Homicide somehow makes a DQ decision "controversial" and "unjustified". EARL FUCKING HEBNER!

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com 

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).