Speaking of last week's iMPACT, out come Hogan and Bischoff, the "Berman and Braga" of the wrestling world (LAWL ESOTERIC STAR TREK JOKE) come out to talk about that match they made last week for the TNA championship thing, and then invite them out. First comes Mister KennedyAnderson. I'm sick of talking about how horrible and unappealing his gimmick and wrestling abilities are.
Then comes His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero. Camera zooms in on Miss Tessmacher for no reason at all for about 2.2 seconds. She did nothing but smile to it. Not even a zoom in of her cleavage or ass or anything. Just there. Now Jeff Hardy comes out. Then Kurt Angle.
None of these guys are TNA guys. Pope D'Angelo Dinero comes closest because he sucked horribly in WWE, yet is a superstar here, but come on. What lies hath been wrought when names like Hernandez (not on TV anymore), Jay Lethal (buried), Homicide (fired), AJ Styles and others were championed by Berman and Braga as being the future of TNA and such.
Hogan says the new champion cannot be murdered the way RVD was, so they need to raise the bar---LIKE THEY DID AT WHOLE F'N SHOW AND THEN COMPLETELY IGNORED AND ABANDONED BY THE NEXT WEEK?!---and Bischoff says this tag team match tonight with them will determine something or other with them or something. Abyss randomly shows up through the crowd during Bischoff's technobabble bullshit, and Abyss comes to ringside with Janice.
While I'm on a roll, what exactly is the storyline with Abyss, too? It was mentioned several weeks ago that he was after the TNA Championship, but once he killed RVD, that completely disappeared. What the fuck? Abyss says he comes here tonight to bear newsworthy revelations from THEM! Namely; that the writers remembered the whole "THEM" storyline after one of their weekly binges of booze and trephination. Hogan says THEY are Ric Flair and FORTUNE!
Abyss clicks his tongue annoyingly and is all like HULK you're just as IGNORANT as all of them and all this trash out here and at home. THE THEY HE REFERRED TO WAS NEVER ECW OR FOUR HORSEMEN! RIC FLAIR IS A LIAR! This is news? Abyss says THEY have told him that the chess pieces are in place and revelation will happen on a date that happens only ONCE A CENTURY! And that date is 10/10/10! ZOMFG MAYANS 2012 ILLUMINATI SKULL AND BONES FREEMASONS NEW WORLD ORDER HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAAAAN~! Or something. People chant for Hogan because he tells Abyss to get out his face, brah. I mean, bruther.
Abyss says when THEY arrive, they will TAKE TNA OVAR and TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN~! STARTING WITH THE REMOVAL OF THE PRESIDENT DIXIE CARTER AND CONTINUING WITH THE SYSTEMATIC EXTERMINATION OF YOU (Hogan) AND YOU (Bischoff)!
Who's the heels again?
Totally not suspiciously, Mike Tenay is like I'M TOLD WE NEED TO TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK, MORE OF iMPACT AFTER THIS! And in their creative genius, they cut to commercial just as Jeff Hardy attacks Abyss.
And in a continuation of their genius, when we return, WE DON'T EVEN CONTINUE TO THE FIGHT, OR SHOW WHAT HAPPENED DURING THE COMMERCIAL, BUT GET A POINTLESS MUSIC VIDEO PIMPING THE FOUR WAY TITLE MATCH AT NO SURRENDER! And they call it TNA's biggest stage of them all. Bound for Glory what? This is why no one takes you seriously.
And they STILLL don't go to the fight thing, but show a video package for probably the LEAST interesting and LEAST important storyline in TNA; the Beautiful People vs Madison Rayne and MoTARAcyclist.
AND THEY STIIIIIILL DON'T MENTION OR SHOW SHIT ABOUT THE FIGHT AS WE GO RIGHT INTO THE NEXT SEGMENT!
Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs Madison Rayne and MoTARAcyclist woman
As the Horrible People enter, Madison Rayne and the cyclist drive in to ringside. Then the Horrible People enter for real. What exactly is happening here and why? It's like that Sting and Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan and Kevin Nash storyline, only I actually don't have an excuse here to be confused here. Because of tits, I guess. Fake tits, but tits nonetheless.
The Beautiful People attack the other Beautiful People on outside of the ring, stomping on Madison, while MoTARAcyclist beats lazily on Velvet. HMM I WONDER WHAT OTHER KNOCKOUT THROWS INSANELY LAZY PUNCHES LIKE SHE DON'T GIVE A SHIT COS SHE'S OLD!? Angelina crawls into the ring while Madison is all squeaky and cowardly, then turns and finds Velvet Sky on the other side, and when Madison tries to step aside, they follow her, blocking her front and rear. Because apparently even two-dimensional thinking is beyond Madison Rayne's cotton candy mound between her ears.
She squeaks more, and makes broad gestures, but the two just chop her up and such. Then Angelina catches her for like a DDT thing, but drops to a knee, and Velvet gets a riding crop, but MoTARAcyclist attacks them both from behind with Hogan-type punches. Somehow, the match only starts now. Angelina grabs Madison's legs and stomps her pubis, then tags in Velvet while holding onto her, so Velvet can stomp her. Then a few lazy clotheslines on Madison, and Velvet turns her over to slam her head into the mat.
Pin gets 2, and then picks her up to get Angelina to tag herself in and stomp on Madison. Front slam on Madison Rayne, and I think Tara's cleavage-cutout has gotten bigger. I mean Motorcycle woman. The Beautiful People bash her out of the ring, and pin Madison but the bodyguard slides in to break it up. She gets bopped by Angelina and... I would say she was intentionally no-selling and mocking her, but given her nature, she's probably just doing a Scott Hall-job selling before being speared down. Motorcycle woman grabs her helmet to smash Velvet Sky with it and Madison pinwins.
WINNAR: Madison Rayne and her "Official Bodyguard"
Official bodyguard beats up on Angelina when she tries toa ttack Madison, and then the two of them beat up on the Horrible People. She then pulls off the ski mask thing, and reveals it's Tarantula. OH MY GAWD IT WERE A SURPRISE, AMIRITE? See, I was cheating; I knew this whole time and went back in time to inform my earlier self.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: BRB time machine
When we return, Stevie Richards talks backstage about not being afraid to face Abyss because HE'S FACED ADVERSITY AND HAD TEN OR ELEVEN THROAT SURGERIES SO HE'S TUFF. And totally NOT because of any Doctor Stevie with patient Daffney and patient Chris Parks thing. Not even. What?
Video package asks Who are THEY and what do THEY want? They ask Kurt Angle, who has absolutely nothing to add except insulting Abyss and his childhood, and then finally says there is no THEY; Abyss made them up.
LAST MONTH TNA REACTION clip featuring Anderson Anderson talking about RVD and such, and how they're just acquaintances and they know they're gonna get hurt and he has a family and at the end of the day they know they're gonna get hurt, but what they saw tonight (with RVD's murder) was a little ridiculous, excessive, unnecessary. STOP SHOOTING, ANDERSON~!!~!!11
Next week, RVD speaks.
Not-Doctor Stevie Richards vs Abyss
Really. Really. Do I even need to? FUCK YOU, I DO!
Stevie ambushes Abyss at ringside, and slams him around on the steel steps and such, but Abyss kicks him down and such. He throws THE DOCTOR into the ring and match starts. He should've used Janice on him before then. Abyss runs at Stevie, but Stevie dodges and jumps on him on the turnbuckle to punch him. He goes for a Stevie Kick but Abyss hasn't been properly beaten down yet so he blocks and shoves him down. Stevie on the turnbuckle gets smashed into by a running Abyss. He beats on Stevie in the corner some more.
He then front slams Stevie. He grabs a steel chair and brings it in, shoves Earl Hebner away, and Stevie kicks Abyss in the face WITH THE CHAIR and the referee DOES NOT DISQUALIFY HIM BUT COUNTS A PINFALL VICTORY.
WINNAR BY DQ: Abyss
Nevertheless, they declare Stevie the winnar. I call bullshit. Backstage, Mick Foley is on the floor holding his ankle while shitloads of security and such hold back ECW guise and FOURTUNE guise. Back in the iMPACT Zone, Abyss throws the retard out of the ring, and starts to beat down on Stevie Richards some more with a Black Hole Slam.
For no reason at all, The Brian Kendrick finds his way out of that 6 foot burial and baseball slides Abyss, and runs away with Stevie for what I can only assume is a fairy-runaway off to Massachussetts for a marriage.
Backstage, Mister ANderson is too fucking stupid to comprehend why the Pope hates him. Because he totally didn't break Pope's arm months ago. Dumbass. Pope appears behind him and they bicker about the tag team match.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What I really fucking hate is when a multi-man match at a pay per view is preceded in the previous broadcast by a tag team match featuring the contestants. That has to be the absolute, laziest pits of booking.
In the ring is the HEELS demanding FOrtune come out. The FACES come out all like YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO US TOMMY DREAMER? WELL SAY IT! SAY IT! SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU DON'T CALL FORTUNE OUT HERE! THIS IS THE HOUSE AJ BUILT! YOU DON'T MAKE THE RULES HERE!
- Why are they the heels?
AJ says DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU WILL HAVE A CHANCE AT NO SURRENDER? SABU VS DOUGLAS WILLIAMS FOR THE X TITLE?
- Holy fuck, Sabu looks like he's been sundried. Lost a shitload of body mass around his face and neck. Not just wrinkled, but craggly, leather-tanned, like he's been smoking cigars every day since 2006
To Rhino, he says Abyss will SLLLAUGHTER him. And then Tommy Dreamer and AJ Styles in an I Quit match. Holy fucking shit, come the fuck on. AJ says how great will that be when the Innovator of Violence in MY HOUSE says these words: "STOP IT, AJ, STOP IT! I QUIT, AJ! I QUIT!" AJ says he's gonna embarass Tommy in his own house... implying Tommy already hasn't been embarassed in TNA thus far.
Tommy Dreamer says they don't need to wait; let's do it now. You see, this IS AJ's house, and it's a house of people who think AJ really suck. Which goes to show what treacherous, backstabbing sycophants the TNA fans are. Tommy Dreamer's WWE Day of Reckoning generica plays, but nothing happens.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett talks to Samoa Joe. He wants to make something perfectly clear to him ageeyun; he's going out there for TNA, for Samoa Joe, for all his friends in the locker room. It's up to Samoa Joe to do the right thing.
Where in the fuck does any of this even come from? Where's the conflict? Who's fighting who and for what reason? Joe says he should mind his own. And leaves.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Where is the logic in Sting trying to prove some kind of point to Jarrett by wrestling him in matches that are all but tag team matches and using Kevin Nash to cheat and bury his ass?
Backstage, Kevin Nash and Sting go to the ring, as though this were a handicap match. They don't know if Joe's gonna show up, but Sting knows who's gonna show up; the guy they want to show up. What? Jarrett says he doing this because if he don't, Nash and Sting are gonna tear down what they'vebeen working ten years to build.
Where in the fuck does any of this even come from? Where's the conflict? Who's fighting who and for what reason?
Jeff Jarrett vs Sting
I refuse to acknowledge any wrestling-related business involving this non-feud until it is properly explained to me.
WINNAR: No one
I didn't even bother to watch. Hulk Hogan comes out as Sting chokes Jarrett with a bat, and just looks down at them while doing nothing as Sting kicks the shit out of Jarrett. He then starts moving, and Joe appears to beat up on Nash. YAY CONTINUITY! BOO CONTINUITY FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS! Sting yells at Joe, and Joe is like I GOT THIS at Hogan, and Sting backs off.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: How do I think more?
A video package of random beach-region partying, and it says "SHORE. COMING SOON."
So apparently No Surrender will feature loads of ECW Guise fighting TNA guise and such. Also, the TNA World Title match isn't a four-way, but an advancement thing for Kurt Angle to bury everyone. I actually confused that with WWE's four-way championship thing.
Speaking of impending failure: DESMOND FAIL and some beatnik and Chelsea in the ring now, mocking the Motor City Guns for dominating iMPACT! and putting on main event matches on a weekly basis, whereas Failure and Brutal Fail have been dominating all the job squads on TNA Splosion. You know, that show you never watch and isn't even on TV?
And you wonder why I call him Desmond Fail. Fuck's sake. Brutus Magnus says he sees it in all of us; success! I mean, embarassment to have the Motor City guns as the tag team champs. Yeah, who wants tag team champions who WRESTLE on TV on a regular basis? Brutus is here to save us from entertainment. Ironically, he rather entertains on the microphone. He says those belts are coming off the boys, and coming onto the real men. Hard to take him seriously when he looks so gay. I mean... so fucking FAAABULOUS!@~!!`
This brings out the Motor City Machine Gunnaz, and Alex Shelley says if they think for one minute that Motor guns killed themselves in FIVE matches with Beer Money in order to lose them to a pack of jobbers who haven't even been on iMPACT! for a year, then Judas Priest song. Just for the record, the British doods may be the number one contenders, but Chris Sabin hasn't seen them defeat anybody. TNA Xplosion? What the fuck IS that? Yeah, Rob Brown.
He says the only tag teaming they've been doing lately is with each other. YAY SEX JOKE! Failure totally kills the joke by saying out loud that they think he and Magnus "fancy" each other, and think they're a couple of "poofs". And yes, he then mentions he doesn't mean to ruin their comedy routine, despite doing it, but he points out they're the only ones in the ring with a bird. Cheep cheep.
I don't mean to ruin Desmond's painfully stupid logic, but this is the same "bird" that they completely ignored in their one and only video package, which Desmond has shown abject hatred towards, and who in turn HATES THEM AS WELL. Mangus tells them to grow some hair on their nuts and calls them children. Shelley buries his ass by saying "Dude, I'm four years older than you!" And if he's such a big man, how come Chelsea always has such a lousy look on her face? Says Shellith. He then says he's got ten dollars, five minutes, and one dogtag, what can that get him with Chelsea? She smiles at this.
Obviously she doesn't wanna be with them, Sabin says; she just needs the money, just like any hardworking callgirl. This allows her to make facial expressions! Desmond Fail then proceeds to sign and pay for the shipment of fail in giving her the microphone and saying to tell them how he's rocked her world.
She says if there were a swordfight in this ring right now, Desmond's weapon would fall a little short.
And you wonder why I call him Desmond Fail. Fuck the Wolfe bit; I'm not even going to alternate anymore. He is the British embodiment of failure in TNA today. They resort to beating up on the Motor Guns to compensate for their small peepees. Desmond then yells at Chelsea, undoubtedly a familiar sensation for them.
Backstage, Tommy Dreamer says they're losing it; they lose Guido and Tony and now they lost Mick. They're losing, they're being beaten, they're going down, etcetera. Wow, really? This is a surprise? Kind of. Brian Kendrick appears offering his services and says they need him for the match and such. Somehow, he's been friends with Tommy Dreamer and Rhino for a long time. He loves their creations and wants to co-create reality with them. Mick Foley shits on Brian... then says he's PERFECT for EV2.0. This is more than enough for Tommy Dreamer.
Backstage after commercials, Jeff Hardy shits on tonight's match saying all he can think of is the match on Sunday. Also, apparently this tag match doesn't count for Kurt Angle's no-lose record he's going for. Way to shit on this match.
FOURTUNE (AJ Styles, KAAZ, Beer Money) vs ECW Guys (Tommy Dreamer, Rhino, Sabu, Brian Kendrick)
Mike Tenay mentions that Fortune started this because they didn't want outsiders invading their company, and The Taz says they are just protecting their turf AND that he doesn't disagree with them. He says protecting your turf is NOT a bad thing it's a GOOD thing. He then says nothing in follow-up regarding justifying them being heels.
Fuck this company.
It starts with Rhino and James Storm, which if you aren't a TNA fan, you'd know they have a long history involving James Storm mocking Rhino for being an alcoholic and a quitter for having quit drinking and such. But if you're a TNA writer and/or booker, this is a completely arbitrary face-off with no previous connections whatsoever! They brawl a bit until KAAZ is tagged in to beat on him until Sabu gets tagged in. He punches up some of the Fortune, then beats with Kaz. He does a surprisingly not-botched not-sloppy springboard tornado DDT on KAAZ from the second rope onto him. AJ distracts the referee so TEH DOUGLAS can trip up Sabu as he tries a springboard move.
KAAZ schoolboys Sabu and pinwins him. Lulzy fun and stupid there. Sabu just punches Kaz in the fucking face, then suicide dives onto TEH DOUGLAS. Match still goes, btw; it's elimination. I know, this was only announced just before the match started. Dreamer now putting KAAZ into a Texas Cloverleaf, but then AJ beats him off. Brian Kendrick gets tagged in to jump on Kaz and do some dropkicks. He pin gets 2, then throws him into the turnbuckle, irish whip reversed and he springboards onto Kaz, but hits Kaz's knee for big stomach damage.
Robert Roode gets tagged in and slams Kendrick's face on the turnbuckle, and chops him some. Irish whip and he knees Kendrick rather htan letting him bounce off the ropes. Twice. Then a high angle backdrop suplex thing. Roode then tags in Kazariot, and he does an odd sort of gutwrench suplex thing on Brian which had him lifting him off the ground. KAAZ then picks Kendrick up for an ALabama Slam-looking thing, but Kendrick drops and rolls him up, but KAZ escapes the rollup. They bicker about some, until Kendrick hits a dropkick on KAZ and pinwins him. Lulz, wurt?
AJ Styles ambushes Kendrick, but gets caught into a choke on him. He gets up again just so Kendrick can choke him again, pressing him to the ground all angrypants. He then dropkicks the referee. AJ smacks him, and everyone runs in to bea ton each other. Three stooges then appear... NOT to deal with the chaos, but to check on the other stooge. Mick Foley randomly appears at the top of the ramp to do nothing.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I bet something fun is happening in the match you'll never see
And as we return; surprise! A new referee is in and they're all playing by the rules now. Also, Mick Foley is at ringside. Beer Money double irish whips Tommy Dreamer into the turnbuckle, and now it's James Storm stomping on Tommy Dreamer. Mike Tenay's all like "CAN I ANNOUNCE THIS? FOR THIS SUNDAY JUST ADDED FOR NO REASON---" I mean, NO SURRENDER "---KEVIN NASH AND STING IN A TAG TEAM MATCH AGAINST JEFF JARRETT AND SAMOA JOE!" Meanwhile in the match, Robert Roode was tagged in and doublestomped on Dreamer. He runs at Dreamer, and Dreamer does some sloppy-looking move that was like a D'Lo Brown sky high powerbomb thing, and a Spinebuster. Rhino gets in and spears Roode in the corner, then catches Storm and Belly to Belly Suplays him.
Rhino poses for a Gore, and hits a Gore on James Storm and pin gets 2 as Robert Roode breaks it up. Attempted irish whip by Roode is caught into a Belly to Belly Suplex by Rhino and he poses for another Guro, but OH NOESZ ABYSS APPEARS and they brawl outside the ring. They wrestle out into the crowd and away. The referee counts out Rhino, because apparently there's no disqualification, but there's countouts.
Note that this leaves Tommy Dreamer alone with Beer Money and AJ Styles. Tommy Dreamer, almost forty, badly beaten and battered and broken, hardly even a good wrestler to begin with, against AJ Styles, THE face of TNA, and Beer Money, one of, if not the greatest tag team on TV this decade. Somehow Tommy Dreamer eliminates Robert Roode with some lazy wrestling... then eliminates James Storm with a schoolboy.
Fuck this company.
AJ Styles is alone outside, looking scared.
Fuck this company.
He slowly approaches the apron and gets into the ring. They start exchanging punches and stuff. AJ backs him into a corner and irish whips, then runs at him but catches his boot when Tommy tries to kick, and stops him and chops him. He then goes for a Styles CLash, but Tommy no-sells that shit and just stands up. He grabs AJ in a headlock and puts him in a CRIPPLER CROSSFACE. AJ dropkicks Tommy out cold as he recovers from putting his feet on the ropes. He attempts a high angle knee dorp on Tommith but Tommius moves out the way. He then gets caught in an awesome-looking flip-rolling armbreaker thing by AJ, but Tommy puts his foot on the ropes.
AJ then puts Tommy Dreamer in a scoop slam and climbs to the top rope, upon which Tommy no-sells that shit and just casually gets up to beat him off, and get a Superplex on AJ. Tommy then tries to FiggerFourtune, but Ric Flair and Matt Morgan distract him. Mick Foley thens tarts beating up on Ric Flair and AJ OMFG PELE OUTTA NOWHERE and wins.
Replay shows us that AJ Styles actually hit the PELE after doing this:
Etcetera later, I hate Mister Anderson. I can't get over how much I hate him. Every time he tries to "shake up" his little self-introduction, he just smugs it up even more and makes me hate him more. He's a disgrace tot he name "Anderson"
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Who the hell is Justin Bieber and why should I care?
Anderson Anderson and Pope D'Angelo Dinero vs Jeff Hardy and Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle starts by ambushing Pope as he's talking with Anderson, and back suplexes him like a cowardly white racist bitch. He punches up Pope in one corner, then tags in Jeff Hardy. Irish whip on Pope, and ANgle drops down to do a Poetry in Motion for Jeff Hardy. He floating dropkicks Pope and pin gets 2. I have a headache, too, Hardy. Pope punches up Hardy after some irish whip running, and he then tags in Anderson, who was lazily resting on the ropes. He then lazily gets in, because he's such a horrible person. He picks up Hardy and throws a punch which gets blocked. Hardy then Manhattan Drops him, and legdrops his nuts. The Pope then attacks Hardy, and they all sort of keel over and the Pope leaves the ring.
Kennedy pin gets 2 and Pope blindtags himself in. OH NOESZ~! INTRIGUE! SHENANIGANS! I'm tired. Pope pin gets 2 on Harvey, and he drags him back to elbow Anderson to tag him in. He then holds onto Hardy and forces ANderson to punch him in the guts. He slowly picks up Hardy and quickly scoop slams him, then pin gets 2. He picks up Jeff Hardy to chinlock him, but since HURHURHRUDRANDYORTONWWE, Hardy gets up and knocks his elbow into Anderson, and runs at him, but gets caught in a Rock Bottom position, and Hardy bops Anderson with a Twist of Fate.
They both tag in their partners and Angle clotheslines the Pope a few times, then runs at him in the corner into his boot, but catches him in a Belly to Belly Suplex. Then he German Suplexes Anderson, and Olympic Slam's Pope and pin gets 2. Anderson fights Angle, and Hardy lays against the ropes before getting to the top turnbuckle. Angle grabs Anderson, and ANderson moves out of the way so Hardy hits Angle with a Whisper in the Wind. OH NOESZ!~! SHENANIGANS! INTRIGUE! CONTROVERSY! CASH! But not really.
WINNAR: Anderson and Pope D'Angelo Dinero
Fuck that match. Anderson is apparently not amused by the Pope pinning Angle despite not at all tagging in and the referee being retarded, and so he fights with Pope. Kurt then gets face to face with Hardy for OMFGSZ RECKONING AND MISCOMMUNICATIONS~! They fight. Fuck this match. Fuck this company.
TNA YAY: Motor City Machine Guns absolutely burying the Fail twins.
TNA BOO: The insanely predictable main event, the meek and uninteresting matches filling the rest in.
TNA WTF: I don't need to list it all. The whole fucking show, how about that?
That was TNA iMPACT, and this was my face, cleverly hidden behind a bunch of words. Later haters.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).