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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(09/03/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

I had a dream in which I was Jeff Jarrett, in some Alabama place for some reason. I had two fully loaded Airsoft pistols I could have and should have brought with me, but I didn't because I'm an idiot. So I go into a bar or something, and basically for some reason pick a fight with the fat pieces of shit that consider themselves local wrestlers. Since I'm Jeff Jarrett, I figure I can beat them, because that's how I've been booked or something.

They didn't beat the shit out of me, but they did humiliate me, get my hair all dusty, and I never got to even attack them. Then I tried to convince three masked hispanic wrestlers to join TNA, along with showing them a pair of sunglasses that said something obscene on them (I think it was Fuck You or something like that), and they ended up beating the shit out of me, Jay Ee Double Eff etcetera.

Then I got beat up a little by the fat pieces of shit, and I went into the bathroom to wash the dust out of my hair, and they all came in one at a time to basically apologize or something while I awkwardly left.

Moral of my dream: I am Jeff Jarrett.

Speaking of Jeff Jarrett, here's some TNA!

Video package for something. It's not that I wasn't paying attention, but I just don't seem to be understanding things that are blatantly explained to me forthright. My only opinions on this is that Daffney looks great on video, but on photo, she looks steroidy and old.

NEWZ of the week! Someone I've never heard of called Jenna something was released. Who? I swear I've never seen or heard of her before in this company. And in more important newz, ANGELINA LOVE WAS FIRED because her work visa expired, and there's no sign it will get renewed. That's what I read.

Out comes Rhino to take a page from his prissy little buddy to fail at something.

Rhino vs Sting

Ello Well, they don't even try to make it seem like a legitimate contest---Sting's the Ric Flair of this company, and Rhino's the Mike Knox. You really think Rhino has any chance? I don't feel like recapping squash matches, unless they involve bright colors! Like Black Machismo squashing Doink the Clown! THAT shit is entertainment!

But hey, Rhino punches on Sting, then Sting irish whips him a bunch, does two Stingar splishes in a row, then a Scorpion Dethklok. Wow, they didn't even try to make Rhino look credible. He's reaching for the bottom rope, and hits it, and Sting is up instantly, only to slowly start to stomp, then pick up and irish whip but SWERVE! Rhino reverses it. Punches on Stink.

Sting down in doggystyle position, and Rhino only just punches, then picks up for more punching. He pulls Sting back away from the turnbuckle and punches in the back! Now choking on the turnbuckle after MOAR punches, and now a snapmare on Sting, and OH WOW! Rhino with a leg-based submission hold on Sting? Blasphemy.

Sting fights back only to get MOAR punches by Rhino. Now backhand chops on turnbuckle, irish whip, and Stingar splash attempt fails. Rhino does a belly to belly suplay on Sting, and they hilariously pixelate Rhino giving everyone the finger. Presumably the pinky? Pinkies out makes everything fancy.

Sting randomly hits a Scorpion Death Dorp of some sort after a failed GORGOR attempt, and Sting wins, as if there could be any other result.

WINNAR: Sting

Thoughts: It would have been a splendid little match if it weren't 65% punches

Rhino goars Sting afterwards, and beats up on him for INSTA HEEL HEAT! THen he slowly lea--- only to come back inside and GOAR Sting again! Now there are three referees in, presumably to be useless, and someone in a black shirt, and another referee. Rhino just poses for the crowd.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Family Guy has two Wrath of Khan references. Two references plus Star Trek Two: Wrath of Khan equals Four, as in Star Trek Four: The Voyage Home, also like Star Wars Four: A New Hope, which had its entire end sequence parodied in Family Guy. It all comes full circle. There's conspiracy afoot.

Back now with random shot of Sting being taped up OVER HIS FUCKING TIGHTS. What kind of fucking medical personnel bandages a potentially damaged torso OVER someone's tights?

Then we flicker into the MEM locker room, with Booker T monkeying it up with Kurt Angle. His entire dialogue to Kurt Angle can consist of "IMMO TAKE 'IM OU!" and "MAA MORGA!" and "DAWG". Kurtle freaks out with a gay little yelp, then says Morgan is his problem, not Booger's, and that he has to "reprogram" him.

Booker's attention randomly turns to some TNA person BAD ASS BILLY GUNN and gorillas on him. Kurtle hugs Booker from behind, and Booker calls for "STAAH! STAAH! WHERE YOU AT?" and Scottle Steiner comes to be surprisingly quiet. Billy Gunn flees, and Steiner notices Booker has sushi, and Booker tries to send him away but he responds "I'm hungry!" Now Steiner plays some mini golf on Booker's little strip of indoor golf green. I love this shit.

The Taz invited Alex Shelley into the commentating table thing. Chris Sabin is here to job to AJ Styles.

AJ Styles vs Chris Sabin

Do they even try anymore? They don't seem to think we understand "status quo" and "wrestler strength" and the idea that Sting is kayfabe stronger than Rhino.

Sabin and AJ trade back-hugs, then Sabin armwrenches, and camera cuts away to Shelley winking at the camera and I miss stuff. Sabin whips AJ, and does a freaky arm drag thing, and AJ does a real armdrag afterwards. AJ gets the dorp down on him, and armbars him, but then Sabin gets a scissor thing on his head.

The Taz mentions his friend Tony the Teabagger in Detroit, and how he has a bad habit. Shelley says he knows him and that he drinks a lot of tea? And The Taz "Yeah, exactly".

AJ throws Sabin into turnbuckle, but he bounces off and he's too fast. Lots of running around, stopped by an AJ Dropkick on him. AJ tries to baseball slide but fails, Sabin's legs slip out, and he headscissors AJ on the outside. This is all going a lot faster than I can describe it. Sabin picks up AJ and drops him onto the outside gate thing.

Shelley makes fun of Mike Tenay's first name.

AJ inside now and Sabin comes in to pick him up and slam him on a turnbuckle, then choke him with a boot. AJ tries to run for an irish whip, but Sabin is right behind him, and clotheslines him as he turns around. Now somehow they end up on the floor with Sabin chinlocking AJ. AJ gets up, elbows and punches Sabin, only for Sabin to get him down again and kick him a bunch.

AJ grabs his foot, and just fucking LAUNCHES it off to the side. Sabin hit the mat disgustingly hard. He gets up and gets hit with a disgustingly hard clothesline. Sabin tries to drop AJ out of the ring as he runs at him, but AJ gets up for a jumping superhero punch thing, then goes for a pinfail.

AJ now tries for a Styles Smash, but Sabin drops himself onto his back and flips AJ over for a rollup and a pinfail. I have to rewind the video just to catch everything. Sabin catches AJ in a Cradle shock attempt, but AJ frees himself, and Sabin goes to try for a Tornader DDT, but AJ stops that shit and DDT's Sabin himself. Pinfail.

AJ smashes Sabin's face on the turnbuckle, then tries a superhero thing, but misses. Now Sabin runs at him, but gets missed. Sabin backflips off the turnbuckle to try his DDT thingy, but Sabin snapmares him, then runs at him for his fast-ass boot to the face. Shelley says that boot was sweet and AJ was hungry like Elvis in 1975.

Sabin gets on apron for springboard superhero thing, AJ ducks, Sabin turns and gets OMFG PELE~!!!'width="630" AJ Styles

Thoughts: Best match ever... that I've seen in the past few months. I gief 11 stars out of some arbitrary number. That arbitrary number now is 11.

Backstage now with Lauren interviewing Hernandez. Let me just go take off my shirt. Lauren wonders about Hernandez and Homicide facing each other. That won't stop Hernando from trying for the World Heabyweight Champeenship.

RANDOM ERIC YOUNG ATTACK! He's all dressed up in a spiffy suit, says his dreams were all crushed little by little, then says Hernandez, as a wetback, is not allowed to access the American Dream, and must join with Eric Young to fight their way through to achieving Dusty Rhodes.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Wrath of Khan was great, but Khan himself, as a final villain analysis, was as effective and terrifying as a Bond villain. He was just a barrel of ham and ineffectiveness. He was just Kirk and Spock's tool throughout most of it, as they exploited and manipulated him over and over again.

Now we arrive to TNA iMPACT with Christopher Daniels coming out. And here's more Christopher Daniels:

At least this time around the announcer gets the name "Daniels" right. He comes to the ring with a microphone and says he will be challengar to X Division chumpionship at No Surrendar again. He then calls out Samoa Joe without using any coise woids or naughtyness. Joe's music is cool.

Josephus of American Samoa is now out and Daniels Daniels then laments that he never thought they would wrestle for that title again that it would be under these circumstances. He remembers a time when TNA revolved around the X Division. STOP SHOOTING, DANIEL COVELL!

He mentions that when you mentioned the X Division, talk revolved around three men: Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles. Lulz, Russo.

He brings up TNA Unbreakable 2005, saying it was the first and only time the X Division title was defended in the main event of a TNA pay per view. First time they knew Daniels, Joe, Styles were synonymous with excellence in wrestling. STOP SHOOTING, DANIEL!

Joe says he gave him time to make a point, and now has to go. Daniels Daniels gets mad and pulls him back! He wonders if Joe wants to do pushups with Steiner or drink Crystall with Booker T. He says they phear Samoa Joe, which is why they paid off Taz and took Jenna MoreAssCunt's money to buy him.

This promo was going good, until Daniels Daniels asked how his wife and son can respect him knowing he's a sellout. Crowd audibly goes OOOOHHH. Daniels Daniels turns to try to address The Taz, but Joe attacks him and does a Dragon Suplex. I think that's what it was. Like, a full nelson back suplex, right?

WEBOGRAPHY THING WITH MATT MORGAN! He likes all the Rocky movies, played college basketball and footaball, mentions meeting his IMPURE wife who is NOT WHITE AND ARYAN like he is. He graduated college in Hawaii, and mentions he grew up diagnosed with ADD. Selfish note, I take pills for that, too.

You wanna hear the truth? They are doing a good job of making Morgan appeal to me.

Backstage now with Matt Morgan being interviewed with Lauren, with Matt Morgan ON EXAGGERATED SARCASM MODE again, talking about how he has Kurt Angle's back, and his mistakes were just rookie mistakes.

Suicide enters as someone's opponent. They never bothered to introduce them.

SUicide vs One of the British

They exchange arm wrenches, then TEH DOUG gets a snapmare, then Suicide reverses into another arm wrench, getting him another snapmare, and a chinlock, but SUicide reverses into another arm wrench and wristlock, and now TEH DOUG gets irish whipped, reverses from an attempted flip thing, then Suicide runs into his boot. TEH DOUG tries to jump up over Suicide's running, but Suicide catches him for his rolling drop thing that looks like a suck.

TEH DOUG tries for a German Suplay, but Suicide frees himself, only to get back dropped by TEH DOUG. TEH WILLIAMS knocks his knee into Suicide runningly, then hangs him on the ropes. TEH DOUG does some thing to Suicide's head and pinfails.

Back suplex fails as Suicide lands on his feet and starts chopping. TEH DOUG tries something but SUicide drops to his feet, TEH DOUG runs, then hits SUicide with a flying elbow. Now Suicide put on second rope and hung upon it by TEH DOUG. Then he gets a snap suplex, then pinfail.

Irish whip Suicide, then TEH DOUG runs and hits a knee on the turnbuckle, gets up, and SUicide kicks him in the face. Suicide gets up more quicker and punches on TEH DOUG. THE DOUG dodges an attempted splash of some sort, but SUicide bounces off the ropes to attack him. More stuff, then a Russian Leg Sweep by Suicide, scoop slam on TEH DOUG WILLIAMS, and OMFG random negro attack!

Pope guy emerges in his Saintly garb, and Suicide, being the sinful sinner he is, attacks the Pope. Suicide makes it back inside before a 10 count, but gets attacked by TEH DOUG and German Suplexed for teh winsz.

WINNAR: TEH DOUG

Backstage now with TEH STING being interviewed by Fagnut. They say Sting might have two or three cracked ribs. He then asks how many times he'll be able to fight for the world title. Any time he wants? He says no, apparently.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Despite my overall disappointment, I did cry during Spock's funeral sequence. And since I can't find it on Youtube, I'll give you this one instead

Video package for Bobby Lashley, who is interchangeably called The Boss and God of Thunder.

Backstage with the Horrible People, with a not yet fired Angelina Love. Velvet Sky threatens to cut Lauren's face off with a cheesegrater for talking about the Horrible People again. She then threatens to kick Tara's face until her skull caves in and her eyes burst out. Not exact words, but pretty much that. She quotes William Shatner by telling Lauren to not correct her, for it sickens her.

The Horrible People don't understand Lauren, because they don't speak Ugly. They then talk shit on Madison Rayne and such. They may be beautiful, but they can get ugly in the ring. Haha, she got fired.

Sojournor Bolt and Hamada vs Tara and Christy Hemme

Hamada and Tara start with a lockup, then Hamada gets a back hug on her, which is reversed again and again and again, all backhugs, then Hamada breaks loose, but only gets caught again, then bridged by Tara in a pinfail. Hamada gets dropped, then pinfailed again, and Hamada pinfails as well. Now they're both up. Tara decides to be racist and bow to Hama, and Hamada kicks the shit out of her face.

Tara recovers and irish whips her, but gets springboard moonsaulted, and HERE COMES FAILURE Sojournor Bolt into the ring to sloppily get drop toe held by Tara, who tags in Christy Hemme, who is dressed in an awesome rainbow bikini-type outfit. She whips Sojournor, then tries to splash, but misses, then gets her face slammed into the turnbuckle.

Hamada is tagged in and kicks Hemme, then fakeheadbutts again and again.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Unfortunately, Khan... I too laugh at your "superior genetically engineered intelligence". Faggot.

Back, and Sojournor Bolt dominating the poor little girl Christy Hemme, who tags in Tara who starts punching on Sojournor Bolt, then clotheslines. Now she's stalking Bolt in a very Angle-like fashion, kicks Sojournor, and pinfails. Hamada in to beat up on her, then Christy Hemme comes in to inverted DDT her. Tara now kicks Sojournor and Widow's Peaks her. Pinfall.

WINNAR: Tara and Christy Hemme

Aww, how sweet, Tara scoops up the ditsy little redhead in a big hug. Hamada randomly attacks Sojournor Bolt with a Hamada Driver, for great justice.

Backstage now with Kurt Angle and Jay Bee. Jay Bee thinks Morgan is working Angle, and Angle disagrees. Morgan supposedly needs Kurt Angle, and LOOK IT'S MATT MORGAN FOR REAL! Kur wants to talk about something, but just as the video ends and the next one begins, ALL this person's video uploads got taken down by TNA Entertainment.

Instead, I got a HD edition propped up and ready.

Matt Morgan sarcastically mentions the last few times he teamed with MEM people, and it failed miserably, but HELL YEAH HE'S READY TO TEAM WITH KURT! Angle wonders if Morgan was screwing with him. Morgan creepily assures him he's not. Angle was apparently confused into stupidity.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Of course, black dude is the only guy to die in Wrath of Khan who is major rank. He's Captain of the Reliant and he commits suicide, but ditsy little Pavel Chekov just collapses and the worm leaves his head.

Back with Kevin Nash being interviewed by Lauren. Kevin doesn't want to talk about wrestling. ME NEITHER, HAW HAW. Kevin doesn't have his Leges belt on him because it's heavy. Oh wow... he's fucking broken as shit if that thing is heavy on him.

He takes a "TAKE THAT!" snark at us Smarkitudes by calling us internet geeks who live in our mother's basements talking about wrestling. HAH! I ONLY LIVE IN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE IN MY CHILDHOOD BEDROOM!

Lauren wonders why Jenna was there, and Kevin basically shits on her by saying she was a mark and they only used her for her money, and she wouldn't get tit implants. Way to get female fan heat. Hahaha... double entendre. Kevin then starts hitting on Lauren and such. She rejects him and such, and Kevin won't stop. OOOH EXCITEMENT! Is this going to be their only justification for Chris Abyss wanting to beat up Kevin? He dials up the Sexual Predator by talking in a lower voice, more incoherent, and then reaching out to touch her.

Video package for Homicide and Hernandez. Homicide comes from the same city as I do.

Homicide gets to keep LAX's music.

Homicide vs Hernandez

Aww, how sweet, they shake hands and hug before the match. That must mean they're going to feud hard and try to kill the shit out of each other later.

They lock up very lazily... and Hernandez just smirks and shoves Homicide away. Camera pans up to Homicide, who shrugs and is all like "Ah fohgawt!" Now he gets back up and headlocks Hernandez, who just shoves him up and away, but Homicide lands on his faeet and punches, then he tries to sunset flip him, but Hernandez picks him up, then Homicide tries a cutter of some sort, but gets stopped that shit cold and Hernandez picks him up for a Crucifix Powerbomb---no, his is called Border Toss, but Homicide breaks free.

This match is going fast, so I must rewind to catch up. Homicide dropkicks Hernando's knees, then bulldogs and pinfails him. Homicide puts Hernando on the turnbuckle to chop at him and such, but Hernandez reverses and starts chopping as well. Kicks to Hernando's leg, then more hitting, and Hernando shoves him awy, then gets his leg caught in the rope and Homicide elbows it. Then he starts stepping on it and cannonballs on it whil eit's on the rope.

Homicide hits Hernandez and such, shoulderblocking him in the corner, kick to the leg, chops, kicks at his leg again and again. It's the other leg than was on the rope. Homicide up on the top rope and pulls Hernandez in for a Tornado DDT but Hernandez reverses, and belly to belly suplexes. Hernandez takes off his shirt to women's screams, then he misses a splash on the turnbuckle, Homicide tries some kind of move but gets caught in a one-handed Awesome Bomb-looking thing and gets slammed on his face for a win for the other guy.

WINNAR: Hernandez

Thoughts: Maybe if the matches were booked in a WWE style, TNA's ratings would plummet properly and it would die. Because that shit was fun, even if it was loose on actual moves.

UH OH, CONTROVERSY! TROUBLES AHEAD! Hernandez picks up Homicide and they pose and such, but Homicide tears away and leaves.

WEBOGRAPHY with AJ Styles. It's the exact same one they showed many weeks ago.

Backstage now with thoughts with TEH DOUG. TEH DOUG is a big fan of AJ Styles, has been watching AJ from across a pond, like a stalker at the park. BUT! He believes he will be the best by beating AJ Styles. No Roid, no Brutal, just him. Nope.

WINNAR: AJ Styles

Backstage now with AJ Styles and Jay Bee Faggot. AJ says his confidence is One Hundred Persayent, meaning that whole bidness with him the last two weeks ago was completely and utterly pointless.

Kurtle comes out for commentary!

Doug vs AJ Styles

Something this awesome just needs a commercial break interruption. But no Wrath of Khan analysis for you. AJ and TEH DOUG lock up, then break away. Circle. Lock u--but AJ trips up TEH DOUG, turns him around, and TEH DOUG catches him in a side headlock, and a head takedown and now a leg submission hold by AJ on TEH DOUG's head, but then he picks him up in a wheelbarrow, and AJ tries to rollup and fails.

TEH DOUG trips up AJ, and turns over to put him in a bow and arrow lock but AJ slips out, mounts him for a pinfail. Kurt Angle on commentary burying AJ a bit, but only a bit, then putting him over a bit. AJ punches on TEH DOUG, then gets caught in a side headlock again after some bouncing off the ropes. Failed move by TEH DOUG gets AJ to slip free and scoop slam him.

PInfail on TEH DOUG and AJ smacks on his back, then goes for a leg Death Clock on him. Then he picks him up but TEH DOUG punches him. Then AJ punches him. Pushes on the turnbuckle, irish whip, TEH DOUG runs, but AJ crawls across the ropes, then jumps on TEH DOUG for a DVD type thing, but then gets uppercut. Pinfail.

AJ brought up, snapmare, triangle chokehold thing, then Doug turns himself around for a hilariously sexual-looking slam thing, banging his knees into the mat with AJ's head between his legs. Punches and chops to TEH DOUG now, and AJ irish whips, catches him in a Super hero thing that TEH DOUG failed to reverse. TEH DOUG curses, because they censored it. Both down. Exchange of forearm shots. Knees to AJ, and tries to run, but AJ hits a huge dropkick.

Michael Tenay asks if anybody has a better dropkick than AJ Styles.

AJ flips outside of the ring onto TEH DOUG, and Kurt Angle chastises TEH DOUG, saying he's supposed to move. Pinfail by AJ. AJ pulls TEH DOUG up in an inverted Torture Rack, then spins him around and slams him into a powerbomby thing and pinfail. Now TEH DOUG is on the top rope, and AJ gets up, and attempts a Superplay, but TEH DOUG shoves him off, then does a diving elbow thing, and a pinfail.

TEH DOUG with thrusts to AJ's stomach, and european upeprcuts, then gets stopped by AJ's hard clothesline. Kurt Angle disapproves of Mike Tenay's calling this an AJ Styles classic, saying it should be a Doug Willas claffic. His own words "willas claffic"

AJ hits his springboard moonsault-inverted DDT and pinfalls.

WINNAR: AJ Styles

Some final anaylses by the commentators and Kurt Angle, with Kurt saying, and I quote, "I'll see ya, Taz. Up yours, Mike"

Interview with Jay Bee interviewing AJ Styles, who is now in the main event at No Surrendar in that clusterschmackery match thing. He says no one's gonna stop him, not even himself. DOPPELGANGERY ABOUNDS!

Random Commercial-Area Thoughts: So wait... why did Khan need Kirk to send him information on the Genesis if was just at the station and could have just uploaded it from the computers there, and maybe just force the scientists to tell him? That's among the least of my problems with Khan's handling of Kirk.

Backstage now with Dudley Boys and Jesse Fail. Dudleys say they are heroes to wrestling fans, but Fail is a true American hero. He was on the USS Cole with his friend who died when it was bombed by Al Qaeda. If that's all it takes to be a hero, I should join the Coast Guard and almost drown trying to chase a boat full of refugees. I'll be a hero!!!!

Buh Buh freaks out over Rhino turning on Jesse Fail, trying to attribute Jesse's failure to Rhino's impatience in training, and they're going to now train him properly, since all those video packages of Rhino actually training Jesse either all took place on just one day, or are completely forgotten by TNA storylines!

Devon now talks being angry at the British people, as they have their IWGP Tag Team Champeenshits, and at No Surrendar, they will take the titles back or something.

Sting vs Hernandez

Hernandez immediately attacks Sting, and OH NOESZ! Sting's ribs! Sting attacks Hernandez anyway, with a headlock, but Hernandez slams him a bunch. Irish whip, and Sting punches and punches, then does that move thing that Stone Cold does, where you grab someone and pick them up and slam them down on their feet with your leg between their legs?

Hernandez gets Sting against the turnbuckle and smacks, then shoulder blocks, now irish whips, and shoves him aside hard. Sting is all hurty and rolls out of the ring with major butthurt. OH NOESZ! Random Homicide-looking person attacks Sting outside. Referee sees it and disqualifies. SHENANIGANS! I know it's not Homicide because his skin is too light.

WINNAR: Sting

Stop being a fucking face, Taz. He bitches and complains that it's not Homicide. Heel Don West would be all over that shit saying Homicide's a bad friend for screwing Hernandez and such. It's revealed to be Eric Young.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Khan's wife was that woman who was part of Starfleet. I saw "Space Seed", yes.

Hernandez calls out Eric Young, and he slowly comes while the rest of World L33t attack him from all around. Big Roid Terry picks him up for a stalling scoop slam, now they all stomp on him. OH NOESZ! AJ Styles comes to save, but he gets beaten up by all of them quickly because he's not a former WWE/WCW guy in the same way the MEM is. BEER MONEY arrives! But no Homicide, so this means Hernandez will feud with Homicide out of butthurt.

Since they're bigger than AJ, Beer Money successfully destroy the World L33t and send them running. Team 3Dicles music hits, and now World L33t is all panicky on the ramp and such. World Elite is tarpped, and now big-ass fight breaks out. James Storm beats on Kiyoshimitsu, Hernandez chases Eric Young away, Devon beats on Brutus Mang, Buh Buh beats on TEH DOUG, Roode beats on Roid Terry, AJ beats on the Arab.

Yoshimitsu and Sheiky end up in the ring, and now it's just Bruther Ray and Sheiky. Back body drop, and the sound that is made in SvR when you get a full momentum bar sounds, as presumably Bruther Ray gets a special. Double team with Devon jumping off ramp and his head not even touching Abdul's thighs.

Tables demanded by the fans, who clearly care about nothing more than furnishings! Team 3Dicles set up tables when OH NOESZ! Booker T and Scott Steiner run in to save, and I can hilariously hear Booker T gorilla-ing it up above even the audience. Rock Bottom on Bruther Devon, and Beer Money enters to beat on the MEM, but then the other World Elite come in to save them. Double team thing on Robert Roode. Scott Steiner tells someone to shut the fuck up.

If this is going to happen every time a MEM or World Elite person interferes in a match, I approve. Except for the part where MEM and World Elite bury the good guys on a constant basis. Storm gets put through a table, and all the bad guys pose in the ring.

TNA UNBREAKEABLE 2005: The opening AJ Styles and Chris Sabin match was all kinds of PPV main event stuff. Christopher Daniels' promo was all kinds of great. Hernandez and Homicide were all kinds of great. Taz and Shelley's teabagging joke

TNA VICTORY ROAD 2009: Everything involving Sting. The ending cluster-upfuckery was a pale ripoff of the big-ass one they did weeks ago. The Taz's commentary. Too much Hernandez matches. Why the fuck did Sting have to win that match, even after being dominated the whole match?

BUY THIS DVD: It's gotten better, but I'm still not sold on No Surrendar. It was great for matches, but putting essentially unbuilt up and almost completely-buried wrestlers against ultra-over main event staples makes it obvious as hell just who will win.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).