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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(08/27/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

Welcome my friends, welcome to the greatest recap ever. Yes, ever. And I don't mean this one episode here, I mean ever. Ever the recapper forever and ever, the best you've ever seen ever and will see.

So I wasn't watching RAW much, but I saw more of it than I usually do. And comparing it to Disco Inferno's recaps, he's terrible! All he does is focus blow for blow on the MATCHES, and totally just speeds through all the fun "entertainment" shit, sometimes not even referencing it! What kind of recapper focuses on the fucking WRESTLING of a wrestling show? Despicabible.

So THIS show opens with something not wrestling; Lauren approaching AJ Smiles coming in with Stink in a yellow sporty car thing, she asks about his retirement. He shows him a backpack and asks if she knows what's in it. OOH! I started my new University this Thursday, and I had a spiffy new backpack just like that! It was filled with two notebooks, a shitload of papers, and a double-edged 18 inch long, 3 inch wide dildo. You WISH I was joking. But AJ's only has his wrestling gear. Plus a dildo.

Sting says he smells success. Then "THE BAYAD ASS BILLY GUNN" randomly appears and begs to park his car. Sting says he doesn't have to park anyone's car, nor his. Billy Gunn then giddily says to Lauren he used to have one of those cars when he was over. STOP SHOOTING, SOPP!

A Youtube commenter had this to say:

RKOyou (1 hour ago) lol kip james was over,when?

Show open with Michael TNA and The Taz with DANIELS DANIELS on guest commentary for one match only, featuring Self-murder.

Suizide vs Average Joe from American Samoa

Match starts with then standing off, then SUicide running into Joe's boot. Then Joe does SHANE MCMAHON style punchies, and irish whips and shoulder blocks on the turnbuckle, then kicks him. Then he starts stomping on him after a quick fatty rest. He pulls Suicide to try to drop him, but SUicide clings to the ropes and reverses, Joe whips, Suicide counters, then dropkicks him.

Needless replay of the dorpkick and Joe's SUPER SALE of it. Joe now in control, but then randomly staggers and gets dropkicked again. How the hell did he start staggering?

Uh oh, some crafty-looking negro is coming down the ramp. Oh, it's the Pope. Praises be upon he! The audience is chanting something... but I can't understand it. I think it might be "Unexpected!" or "How expected!" I seriously can't tell, and I've replayed it several times. Suddenly the Pope starts beating on Suicide. Obviously, because Suicide is a sin. Lame pun.

Oh noez! Daniels Daniels runs in to beat up on Samoa Joe.

WINNAR: Nothing

The referees break them up, and the ring announcer guy says that since this match got out of control, they will pick up the match later tonight in a tag team match, featuring faces vs heel and tweener. Since when can referees do that? I'd like to see them do that for the ending of screwy endings of matches on big-time pay per views, like at Smummerslam! "Since Randy's ending got screwy all over, we'll pick this up AFTER the main event of CM Funk vs Jeff Harvey!"

Backstage now iwth Eric Young and Lauren, with ehr asking if Hernando would even consider joining the World Elite. Mexico is part of the World, so why not? Young offers sanctuary to Hernandez, since people don't consider him American. Well maybe since he's proudly proclaiming his Mexican heritage, you know what, forget that last thought. I forgot what I was going to say.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Back now with the World L33t in the ring now, with Child Smoker offering the microphone to the towelhead for comments. The floor now belongs to him, in order to pray five times a day to Mecca.

The Iron Abdul Bashir has a soft voice asking for SERIOUS TIME TALKING, and he takes off his towelhead, in order for them to lose pre-conceived notions about him and listen to his words. Serious butthurt time! I'm listening. He wants to talk about the war in Iraq. OLD NEWS, YOU SUCK.

He remembers May 3rd, 2003, "Mission Accomplished". Seriously, get with the fucking times, TNA. He asks if we're not at war since 2003, then what is killing hundreds of his brothers and sisters? The fuck you think, Al Qaeda? He accuses us of being brainwashed by the American media, and somehow thinks we think American Idol is more important than the elections. He then DARES to say Michael Jackson matters less than an Iraqi child in terms of death. The day an Iraqi child makes "Thriller", I will agree with you.

He accuses us of not wanting to spread democracy or wanting to stop terrorism. Then he calls us junkies for oil. lolwut? I haven't seen any fucking oil from Iraq since the war. Prices haven't gone down much any. He then explodes in yelling at us and stuff, then calmly says "Thank you for your time".

I would have considered that a decent promo if it weren't basically the exact same fucking shit done earlier and better by people like OH HEY--HIMSELF! Shawn Daivari and Muhammad Hassan and shit.

Eric Young wants to talk about Hernandez, and immediately Hernandez comes out. He says Eric Young should talk to him in his face, or as we said in high school, "saydmahface!" Eric Jung child-smokes it up with lame cheap heat and saying that the audience doesn't respect him or treat him as an equal, and that to them he would always be a foreigner. Maybe because he IS, stupid. He accuses us of viewing him as a thief, then saying he needs to come home; to Canada? The audience is chanting something I can't fucking understand!

Hernando needs to join the World Elite for some reason they don't really bother to explain. He then says "Come home? I -am- home, *****" and since it was censored, I'm assuming he said, "I -am- home, niggerface!"

He says TNA audience IS his home, and this is our country, then goes on the typical retarded "Uhmayericuh" rant of "If yew dun't like it, well then yew can giiiit out!"

BACKSTAGE now with Sharmell and Traci Brooks being represented by the MEM with Lauren interviewing, and they must face Raeesha Saeed and Awesome Kong, but Sharmell ain't worried because she's "Gangstuh". That's pretty much it. Traci says she's gonna run over their fat asses. I think she misunderstands just what being a fat ass is.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

BACK with Lauren backstage with no one and doing nothing. The camera guy says to move the microphone away from her tits, then starts to zoom in on her tits close-up. Insane closeup, then she finally notices---oh, it was Alex Shelley. Chris Sabin then sits next to him and starts criticizing her for expecting Alex to be a professional cmaeraman.

RANDOM STEVIE RICHARDS ATTACK as he approachs Chris and talks softly to him, saying $50,000 for the Motor guns to kill Chris Abyss. They'll apparently use the money to start their own line of tissue holders! Lauren fails to convince them against it.

That was rather pointless, but before I can recover from my own stupidity, we're back with a tag team match!

Amazing Kong and Cheerleader Melissa vs Traci and Sharmell

Amazing Kong runs off Traci who flees like a huge-tit-implant bitch. Nice "running over", MEMers. Sharmell now in, with Raisha Saeed inside, and she just stands there looking Arab with skintight tights and she shoves Sharmell, who tags in Traci. Nice "running over"!

Melissa whips Traci and attacks her on the turnbuckle, then scoop slams. The Tazz's commentary is sucking a dick. Saeed pinfails her. Snap suplex on Traci, then a pinfail by Saeed.

Now she's punching on Traci, irish whip which is reversed, and Sharmin grabs her head, then Traci clothesline once she gets free. Pinfail. Now Traci laying Saeed on the ropes to choke. Boy this is rather excitingnot! Pinfail attempt by Traci. Then Saeed kicks her away and tags in Awesome Kong, who just clotheslines Traci over and over, then splashes her on the turnbuckle. The Tazz compares her with a small foreign car.

Kong gets on top turnbuckle for a big-ass splash on Traci, pinfail as Charmin breaks it up, and is then chased out by Kong. Saeed randomly runs in to pin Traci. Um, what? Tag team rules much?

WINNAR: Raisha Saeed and Awesome Kong

Awesome Kong gives a nasty look at Saeed. SHENANIGANS ABOUND! CONTROVERSY! CASH!

Matthew Morgan bursts into the MEM locker room, prompting gorilla hoots by Booker T and a "know your role" by Morgan on him. Angle is very calm and such, and Morgan says ANgle screwed up last week, and Angle admits it, but then blames Morganite since he says it usually takes him 3 seconds to get onto the rope, not 3 minutes.

He then asks Morganite how long he's been in the wrestling business. SEVEN YEARS. Angle says "In wrestling years, that's two!" then says he was in it for TEN years. FailAngle. Your analogy combusts on itself. Morgan brings up Dixie Carter, and says he has great news for him, that while Carter was hanging out with Dixie Carter, the possibility of Angle defending his title at No Surrendar came up, and he picked himself to be added to a four way match for the world title.

Morganite says DON'T WORRY KART! He's gonna have Kurt's back at No Surrender same way Kurt had his back at No Justice and last week. Morganite is acting all hyper-actively happy and blatantly sarcastic, but THIS TIME KURT DOESN'T FALL FOR THAT SHIT!

Now we have wrestling.

Jesse Fail vs Rhinocerous

It starts with nothing, but then Rhino kicks at him, and punches him in a turnbuckle. Slams his face into the other turnbuckle, and more kicking. I SAY MORE! Now boot to the throat, and then chokes him on the ropes. Rhino keeps attacking him all angry-pants like. The Tazz's commentary sucks. Rhino stomps on Jesse Fail, then irish whips. Pinfail after a hard kick to the face. Jesse Fail has gotten 0% offense in this match thus far.

Jesse Fail then breaks that statistic by getting in two punches, then gets fucking squashed with a huge spinebuster, and I swear the impact sounded exactly like the sound made in SvR09 when you hit someone and you get a full momentum meter. Rhino pins.

WINNAR: Rhino

I wonder what that's supposed to show us.

Jesse Fail is helped up by the referee, and Rhino predictably gores him. Referee is all butthurt, then reverses the decision, making Jesse Fail the winner by Total Failure.

WINNAR: Jesse Fail

Because by failing as hard as he did, he's actually succeeded.

Brother Devon randomly runs in and stares down Rhino. Rhino slowly exits. The Tazz's commentary sucks.

BACKSTAGE now with ODB and TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION Cody Deaner. Good God.

Mick Foley here with the championship and wearing a white curly wig, as he is like a judge and stuff. Chris Abyss randomly appears to politely return the barbed wire bat he borrowed. He just screams "MANKIND RIPOFF" right now. Mick Foley gives Chris Abyss a bag of groceries, prompting THE BRUTAL, DISGUSTING MONSTER ABYSS to say "I love to eat".

Wow.

Now ODB argues that the Knockout's Championship is for womerns only. Cordy Deaner shows evidence why he should be King of the Knockouts. A picture of Mike Tyson. He claims he knocked out Mike Tyson. In a hotel room in Las Vegas. Hahaa.

Chuck Norris next. He claims he was a guest on the Walker Texas Ranger and knocked out Chuck Norris. Mick Foley says Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice, and so he is now stunned and dubious! He then says ODB and Cody Deanre will battle to determine the Knerkouts' Championship, prompting ODB to chase him out. Jay Bee randomly asks if Foley is okay, because he's been keeping a low profile.

Chris Abyss walking down a hallway, and THE BRUTAL, DISGUSTING, BARBED-WIRE LOVING, THUMBTACK ROLLING-AROUND IN, SON OF SINISTER MINISTER JAMES MITCHELL AND HALF-BROTHER OF THE SATANIC, BLOOD-GUSHING JUDAS MESSIAS, THE MONSTER ABYSS, claps his hands like Eugene Dinsmore.

So back comes the Murder guns with DOCTOR STEVIE.

Motor City Machine Guns vs Chris

Chris gets in and the two of them beat him up. By the way, he's wearing flannel that was likely stolen from Mick Foley. Just like the rest of Chris Abyss's gimmick.

The Murder guns get double-suplexed, and people were chanting "MOTOR CITY" because they hate the fat piece of gimmick-copied shit. He chokeslams one of the murder guns onto the other one.

Chris Abyss does his Eugene clapping again, then clotheslines Sabin on a turnbuckle, but SHelley moves out of the way from his other one. Now they run and double kick his face. Then they do a Shelley on his hands and knees and Sabin jumping off from him and dorpkicking Chris out of the ring. Shelley tries to jump on him, but gets caught, so Sabin suicide dives onto Chris to knock them all down.

Chris Abyss ends up catching Shelley again for a fallaway slam but Sabin dorkicks him from the top rope to break it up, and they both pin him for the fail. Now they double sidekick Chris, then try something, but Chris tosses him off, then picks up Shelley for some kind of inverted torture rack thing, and kicks Sabin away. He then legdrops onto Sabin while slamming Shelley on his shoulders. More Eugene clapping, then DOCTOR STEVIEEEE runs in and does virtually nothing.

Chris Abyss then catches Sabin mid-air into a Black Hole Slam for the pinfall.

WINNAR: Chris

Doctor Stevie is mad at the Murder guns, who then decide to stay faces and beat him up post match. Up-ramp shot of Chris with MORE retard Eugene clapping and happy face. He then grabs a steel chair, claps some more, and goes into the ring to go and beat up Doctor Stevie. say, what ever happened to Raven?

At total randomness, Kebin Nash comes out for no reason.

Kevin randomly has a problem with Chris because he somehow stuck his nose in his business at Hard Justice, so now he'll kill Chris now for $50,000. He then walks away. I'd be confused as hell if Mike TNA didn't clarify that he was going to "cash in" at No Surrendar.

BACKSTAGE now with Daffney who will face a debuting Japanese knockout. Daffney then reassures Lauren she is completely sane by claiming she is nuts. Crazy people don't know/think/understand that they are crazy. That is part of the reason they ARE crazy. I can't hear most of what she's saying. She's just making faces and screaming randomly. She says she attacks people, drains their blood, and wears their skin to the supermarket. Hmm, yeah? Yaaawwn. No wait, I mean that's all nice and stuff... yaaawn... I'd probably take her a whole lot more seriously if she didn't admit that she's crazy, instantly making her not crazy.

The Tazz calls Daffy "zombie hot", because presumably Zombies are pale. Right? Instead of gray and green from necrosis?

Daffney vs Hamada

Hamada looks rather fat. And not "muscular-fat", but "fatty-fat". Daffney attacks her right away, then snapmares with her hair, then does a thing, then kicks her as she sits up. Then she steps on her face and pinfails. Hamada attacks her and they exchange slaps and chops and an uppercut to Hamada. Kick to Daffney.

Stomps in the corner by Hamada putting the boots to Daffney. Irish whip on Daffy, who kicks Hamada, then gets tossed onto the apron and back-kicked out.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts

:

Back with Daffney dominating Hamada now. Mikchael TNA decides to mention to us that during the break, Hamada set up a table outside. Daffney does an elbow dorp onto Hamada's throat, then irish whips her but gets kicked in the throat by Hamada. Hamada does some weak-ass pushes on Daffney, then a fake-ass headbutt on her.

Kick and jumping DDT on Daffney for the pinfail. Fail-spinning kick gets her Shining Wizard'd by Daffney for a pinfail. The Tazz's commentary fails. Daffnet has a chair now and tries to attack but hits the turnbuckle. Now Hamada gets the chair and puts it on Daffney's head, then throws her into the turnbuckle so the chair can snap off and hurt.

Now Daffney's on the table outside, and Hamada gets on the turnbuckle and moonsaults onto her through the table. This reminds me of the days the Dudley Boys slammed womerns through tables for some reason. The WWE doesn't do that shit anymore. Mostly because they don't have the Dudley Boys anymore. People chant "This is Awesome" because they suck.

Hamada inside now and does a Hamada Driver on Daffy, which I think looks like a Fire Thunder thingy---no wait, Taz clarifies, it's a Michonoku Driver.

WINNAR: Hamada

Backstage now randomly with the Horrible People looking for Madison Rayne.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I may be fat but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.

The Horrible People arrive in someone's makeup room. Apparently it's Madison Rayne. I honestly would never know. I'm shocked they could find her and recognize her. Madison shoves Angelina into the door, and she kicks Madison in the guts, then they beat her up and such, while Jay Bee just randomly starts falling everywhere and getting in the way like a faggot.

His Holiness, the Papal Father, D'Angelo Dinero the First and Samoan Yusuf vs Suicidal Bomber and Christopher Daniels

Suicide and Joe start it with some lame-ass hand touching, which is stopped by Joe hip tossing Suicide's ass. The Pope is tagged in, and Elijah Burke whips him, then gets arm dragged, then dorpkicked. Now Dantul is tagged in, and double team on "DeNiro" as Taz calls him. Now a Poetry in Motion by Suicide and Daniels Daniels on the Pope, then a scoop slam by Daniels Daniels on the Pope, and an Arabian Moonsault for the pinfail.

Irish whip on Pope which is reversed into a hella STO. Back from commercials and suddenly Joe is in the ring beating up Christopher, only for Daniels Daniels to enzuigiri and knock him down. Now hot tag time for Suicizde and The Pope, who punch up and attack and Suicide gains control with a springboard elbow, then irish whips him and slams him down somewhere for a pinfail as Joe breaks it up.

Suicide picks up the Pope for a rolling slam, and Joe breaks up the pin so Christopher Daniels can come in and punch on him. Now both of them irish whip their opponents into each other, but the Pope reverses Suicide and Joe clotheslines him. The Taz freaks out in a bout of stupid and basically just calls ELijah Burke "Robert DeNiro". Idiot.

Christopher Daniels attacks Joe on the outside of the ring, and Suicide springboard fails on ELijah Burke, who now gets ready for what I'm presuming is an ELijah Express, but Suicide jumps out of the way, and does a shitty slingshot rollup for hte win.

WINNAR: Christopher Daniels and Suicide

By the way, they've been shilling all night the appearance of Dixie Carter with Bobby Lashley, and so HERE IT IS! WITH HER IN A PRE-TAPED SEGMENT.

She talks some generic shit, should I really recap this? It rather bores me. It's just totally white-washed self-shilling bullshit. Arguably, she's completely lying out the ass when she says TNA iMPACT! beats all three WWE shows in England. Arguably, she's completely lying out the ass when she says iMPACT!'s ratings have increased 30% in the past year.

She's not that hot, by the way. Fine-looking wife if you're already married to her, but not worth getting into an affair with if you're already married to someone else.

I fail to see how Bobby Lashley's TNA acquisition is such a big fucking deal compared to Kurt Angle or even Mick Foley or Samoa Joe or Christian Cage. Who the fuck is Bobby Lashley compared to them? A nothing, that's what.

They mention how everyone backed away from Bobby Lashley in MMA when he said he was returning to wrestling. Lashley proceeds to give an explanation that tries to stick to kayfabe, and yet still doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Dixie Carter says some stuff, then basically sets Rhino up to job by placing Bobby Lashley's debut at No Surrendar against Rhino.

Boy am I tired.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: None

Six man tag team match tonight-o involving these people

SUPER SEMEN Matt Morgan and Scott Steiner and Booker T vs Hernandez and AJ Styles and Sting

Kurt Angle's gonna die at this rate if he doesn't stop wrestling for a long while.

Match starts with Sting and Booker T. Booker T does what he wants, being awesome and mocking Sting. Now a tie-up, and Sting in the corner. Then punches by Booker on Sting, and now Sting counters and punches, and then an inverted Atomic Drop, and dorpkick.

Booker now irish whipping Sting, then reversed into a monkey toss thing. Now AJ gets tagged in, and proceeds to be buried by Booker T and now Scott Steiner. Irisih whip by Steiner, then a sloppy thing leading to a kick of some sort. Steiner slams him into turnbuckle, then irish whips him, and a series of counters. Great thing in which Steiner avoids being hit by something, but then gets dorpkicked anyway. Pinfail by AJ broken up by Booker T.

Now Hernandez is in and Steiner manages to tag in Matthew Morgan. Shoulder block by Hernandez doesn't move Morgan at all. The next one sends him bouncing back, then Morgan clotheslines him the next time. Knee in the gut by Hernandez, and a suplex that stalls for a while. A long while. Then slammed down. Morganite basically gets out of the ring to bitch, prompting Hernandez to dive over the top rope onto all three of the opponents.

Back from commercials has Scott Steiner with AJ Styles in a headlock, which AJ breaks out of, punchies Steiner, and runs into a belly to belly suplex. Pinfail. Now Morganite is in, and picks up AJ to headbutt. Now a picking up AJ, into something, but Morganite loses him and AJ jumps and tags Hernandez, who jumps over the top rope and attacks Morgan and the rest of the them.

Morganite runs at Hernandez, but gets PAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOUNCED, and then everyone else gets into the ring to fight. AJ gets Scott Steiner on the outside, and Sting eventually takes Booker outside, so Hernandez can fight Morganite. Morganite hits him and picks him up for a Hello vader, but now Scott steiner is in with a steel chair, apparently wanting to hit Hernandez. Obvious shenanigans abound as Hernandez shoves Morgan into the steel chair, prompting AJ to jump in and pin Morganite.

WINNAR: AJ Styles, Hernando, Sting, people who don't like tag team match rules.

Aww poor Matt Morgan. Failed again! The MEM just keeps fucking with him. Everyone leaves but him, and Angle is displeased at the commentator table. Booker T and Steiner come in and Morganite yells at Steiner. Booker yells at him, prompting obvious physical violence as Booker gets punched, then Steiner gets clotheslined by Morganite. He then poses in the ring and points at Angle. He looks rather like a hobo with all that beard hair.

GOOD STUFF: The Murder gunsz' match was all sorts of awesome, even if it did have the obvious Gun-burial ending. The main event was okay.

BAD STUFF: Pretty much anything I mentioned that isn't in the good stuff category. World Elite got to do jack shit nothing beyond a pointless promo.

WHY IS RUSSO STILL EMPLOYED?: I still see absolutely no organization opposing the MEM to justify this whole nWo "We're taking over TNA!" movement the MEM takes, while simultaneously making friends with TNA management. Did they just completely forget that little storyline aspect made last month or so? I had a whole argument with some fagnut on WrestleZone forums about this very thing, and TNA just goes to totally support my view by doing absolutely nothing with it.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).