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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(08/26/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

First, I want to talk about Glenn Beck and his political rally happening on the today and such. It's gay.

Speaking of gay, and with a hell of a lot less class and style, here be time for TNA iMPACT!

Video package for the reformation of THE FOUR HORSEMEN! So big and bad this time around, there's seven of them. Wot.

Already I made a reflexive sigh. I couldn't help it, but I just realized over the past week, that whole bit with the ECW GUISE all like "we're under contract now, but we're such big men we won't attack you because Dixie told us not to", and then at the end of the night they just fuck that shit up and go and attack them anyway?

I think it was mentioned in The Death of WCW or something of the sort where Vince Russo would book his heels to be like smarks or to resemble smarky comments and the like. That certainly seems to apply here where the invading horde of over-the-hill wrestlers who can barely do shit but garbage wrestle and bleed have come to siphon paychecks while the TNA stars in FORTUNE are booked to be the heels because they mostly all fought and bled and suffered financially and physically for the company only to have these ECW rejects who mostly couldn't make it anywhere else come and get top billing in TNA and EVEN HAVE AN ENTIRE PAY PER VIEW DEVOTED SOLELY TO THEM!

So of course it's OBVIOUS that they are the bad guys! Fuck them and their greedy desires to eat their own cake they baked themselves rather than have to share it with a bunch of drunk, potsmoking freeloaders your empty-headed landlady invited over to your house.

Also, I only got the opportunity to wonder this when reading it in a column:

What is the storyline involving Sting, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, and Jeff Jarrett? Literally, what is it? Is there some story holding it together? Also my own questioning: What happened to Sting talking about SMOKE AND MIRRORS and CONSPIRACY and THEM OUT TO GET HIM? Did they just cut n paste that onto Abyss and no one noticed/cared because it was stupid and blatantly a dead end anyway?

Speaking of blatant and stupid, backstage is Eric Bischoff whining to Dixie Carter, not wanting her to go out there to get MORE TV TIEM FOAR MARKITUDE! But oh no, bitch, she be coming out anyway. She wants to be a TV staar, complete with asinine pop music for her entrance. She gets on the microphone and shills her own awesomeness in TNA and how their success came through hard times, they become stronger and become a FAMILY! She then gives us the entirety of the "TNA Year 1" DVD on free TV in the form of the phrase "The critics gave us 8 weeks, we lasted 8 years and succeeded" etcetera. The DVD is literally just that, over and over, spoken by virtually everyone the DVD interviewed.

So she calls out Ric Flair so she can be gimmick-ly put in her place. He comes out, and has So Cal Val open the rings for him, because he's Ric Flair or something. Dixie no-sells his awesomeness, which is BULLFUCK! She no-sells his sexual harassment too as he circles her and looks at her ass, and he says "You are drop-dead gorgeous, almost to the point of being sultry." Sounds to me like she wrote these lines, as Ric says they should go back to the hotel and resolve this like adults. She then no-sells his sexual harassment all like "when you came to TNA I was so proud, I was so excited" and says how he said he was gonna mentor the young guys and be a lockerroom leader. And she says he has failed miserably.

HUH!??!?!? HUH!?? !HUH!!?!?! HJ!UH!>!HUH!?!!?#HU!H!?

ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME FUCKING PROGRAM?! WHO IS THE GUY MENTORING THE YOUNG TNA GUYS (RELATIVELY YOUNG) AND WHO IS THE RETARD HIRING A BUNCH OF OLD NOBODIES AND SETTING THEM LOOSE ON THE YOUNG TNA GUYS'S THROATS?!

Fuck this shit. I'm taking a Cameron Burge. Good night, everyone! At least until I drink some. I have a headache. My back hurts. I'm on my period. I'm having a baby. I need a blowjob. Pick one. width="630"ic Flair, but not FOURTUNE, but Ric Flair says that Flair and Fortune are one and the same, and brings out the FOURTUNE guys who are seven in number, and says THIS IS TNA. I actually have to agree; these seven happen to make up like HALF of the active TNA roster who aren't ECW guys or former WWE superstars.

Dixie then says each one of them were with her long before Ric Flair came here. Irrelevant; we were Britons long before we were Americans. That doesn't mean we'll quake and bow down like sycophants to the Queen today. The only Queen we worship is Freddie Mercury. Dixie said something about Ric Flair watching from the sidelines and he freaked out and now is all like "NAO I'M gunna show you what naitch is all about"

Some random guy runs in to be beaten down, and The Taz points out this is Dixie's husband. It's a Christmas miracle! Family fun! The McMahons you ain't. Before Ric can start whipping him, Hulk Hogan comes out with a few faces, and says to Flair to tell his boys to let him go or Hogan will put a size 15 under a tree, I guess. Sun doesn't shine under a tree, after all. Be more vague, pl0x?

Hogan comes into the ring and the heels all back off before his radioactivity, and Hogan's like the smartest thing for them to do is to listen right now, bruther. When he started in TNA, he made a deal with Dixie Carter, bruther; he totally fucking swindled her, by saying they were gonna run the company 50/50.

And since she was that stupid, Hogan overrides her decision and unsuspends Ric Flair. This is apparently because Ric Flair pissed off Hulk Hogan. So Hogan responds by unsuspending him. Hogan then points to his four faces, ALL OF WHICH ARE FORMER WWE GUYS, and says THIS is TNA. AND FLAIR AND FORTUNE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HEELS? He says they're gonna TAKE THE COMPANY OVER.

REALLY. THE TNA GUYS ARE GONNA TAKE TNA OVER FROM KURT ANGLE, ELIJAH BURKE, MISTER KENNEDY, AND JEFF HARDY?

Hogan says why not pick FOUR guys from his FOURTUNE remake of the FOUR HORSEMEN to face Hogan's four. As the Four Horsemen leave, EV2.0 attacks from behind, because what they said last week totally didn't count.

After commercials, Kurt Angle talks about the TNA World title with the other three guys. He then says tonight it's gonna be about something bigger; TNA and such. Somehow Dixie Carter lost the "keys" to her company and they're gonna get it back.

What in the shit is this now? Anyway, a match;

Orlando Jordan w/ Samoa Joe action figure to rub against his tits vs Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe makes his entrance while Orlando is dryhumping So Cal Val and using the Samoa Joe action figure to rub against her cunt. At this point I wonder, why am I watching this show? Samoa Joe beats up on Orlando Jordan with his usual offense of punchy and kicks. He then irish whips and fats into him, then kicks him in the head. He then grabs Jordan's hair as he staggers back, and chinlocks him. He gets backed into a corner and Orlando grinds his butt into Joe's cock, and Joe shoves him off with the rich stink of homophobia. Orlando ambushes him and beat shim against the ropes, then irish whips and bounces him down with like a chest stoppage thing.

He then picks up Joe and punches him. Wow. Wrestling, right? Orlando Jordan pulls a glove off and gets up on the turnbuckle with Joe. He punches him some, then grabs his Samoa Joe action figure and pretend to suck its dick, prompting an audible sound of disgust from a handful of people and such. Joe reacts by slamming him down and dominating him a bunch. Then he puts him in a Musclebuster.

WINNAR: Samoa Joe

For no reason, here comes Jeff Jarrett. Then commercials. When we return, Jarrett says eeyuts been fahv yeurs since he joined TNA and he always knew he wanted Josephus to be a part of TNA when he was in the independent stuff. He says he's come a long way in five years *snort* but a bunch of stuff later, he essentially wants Samoa Joe in his "corner" when he wrassles Kevin Nash tonight. He then says Joe knows what Sting and Kevin Nash are all about, and they're somehow trying to tear down what Jeff Jarrett and others built up.

He then says they're trying to rip the fans out of TNA, as he says heart and soul, and says the fans are the heart and soul, so... what? He says Joe knows they're pissed off they're not the top dogs anymore. And they've been doing nothing about it. So what in the shit is this? He tells Joe he wants him to kill Sting if he shows his ugly out here tonight. His own words "shows his ugly out here tonight".

Samoa Joe says he don't choose sides because he don't have to. He only know how to play for one team; his own. Remember that whole Nation of Violence thing? Remember how it's been completely and utterly abandoned? Kevin Nash's music randomly hits, and apparently the "match" is up now.

Jeff Jarrett vs Kevin Nash

Nash tries to bring a steel chair in but Jarrett steps on it when Nash puts it on the apron. Nash takes him down and irish whips him into the metal barricade and over the edge. He then slams Jarrett's face on the apron and then on the steel steps. Jarrett then gets rolled into the ring for Nash to punch down. Then punch him down again. He then does his slow-motion lazy-ass "I don't give a shit" type moves on Jarrett against the turnbuckle. He then picks up the steel chair, drops it so the referee can pick it up and yell and complain. Nash then pulls the turnbuckle padding off one of the turnbuckles, while the referee looks away.

In what way would that even fucking matter if he's gonna see it's been exposed when Nash actually uses it? Fuck's sake. Jarrett ends up shoving Nash's guts into it. He then gets on the top turnbuckle to double axe handle him down, then gets on another turnbuckle to do it again, but gets caught into Nash's chokeslam position and slam him. Pin gets 2. Clothesline misses, and Jarrett floats around Nash to jump on his back and sleeper hold him. Nash rams Jarrett into the referee, into the turnbuckle THAT WAS EXPOSED BY NASH HURRDURRR! Jarrett slams Nash's face into the EXPOSED METAL and Strokes him off. Pins despite there being no referee, so Sting runs in with nWo Wolfpac makeup and beats up Jarrett with the baseball bat. He then slowly exits as the referee regains himself.

The referee definitely would've seen him in his peripheral vision. Nash pinwins. Mike Tenay repeats the thoughts of all of us: What the hell is going on here? WINNAR: Kevin Nash

Hulk Hogan's music hits and Sting chokes Jarrett with his bat as a hostage. Eric Bischoff comes out instead, and is like "Really, Sting? Really? In front of millions of people around the world" and I laugh uproariously. He wishes they had millions of people watching. There probably ain't even MILLIONS of people who know TNA exists. Sting shows himself to be pond scum, somehow. What in the fuck is this storyline about? He's all like 'wut?' cos Sting says he wants Hogan, and Bischoff's like is that what you really want. Bischoff talks trash on Sting, which blatantly leads up to Hogan being behind him with a steel chair to lightly tap Sting on the back with it. He then takes the bat and poses. Commercials.

When we come back, Hogan is backstage talking to Tommy Dreamer, tells him to back off for one night in this eight man tag team match tonight. He then says Abyss needs his legs cut off. He tells Tommy to put him on a table and hack his legs off. Jesus Christ, this is wrestling?

Beer Money vs Don't even know who

Whoever these people are, they don't even get a jobber-nonentrance. Beer Money just enters, runs in, and beats up on two random people I have no fucking idea who they are. Maybe they're the FBI of the ECW Guise. Who cares. I don't.

WINNAR: Beer Money

I found out during the match it was the FBI. Yeah, fuck them, says TNA. THey only just brought them in to be ECW 2.0 guise. After the match, they smash a beer bottle in the face of Little Guido, and then start to killshit the other guy. He can't possibly be Tony Mamaluke, but he might be.

After commercials, Tommy Dreamer bitches to Mick Foley and the other guys about what was done to the FBI. Tommy Dreamer says they need to sever Abyss's head and place it on a stick, and DOCTOR STEVIE screams incoherently about all "you got it" without ever specifying that it'd be him to do it.

The Beautiful People (Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) come out. Apparently trhis being billed as the ORIGINAL stuff reunited stuff. Angelina gets on the microphone all like she really felt like something was missing when they went thewir separate ways and how they were always friends, completely shitting on the months worth of storylines that preceded this, in typical TNA style. Angelina is like she knwos she's not always a PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL HURDURRRR ARF ARF ARF HRRUDY BRURURURURUR

So forgive and forget and both move on with their lives and such. Completely shitting on months worth of storylines. Velvet further shits on it by saying there's no use rehashing the past especially with that MONSTER they created, Madison Rayne...

... the MONSTER they created by humiliating, beating, and mistreating her like a slave girl.

The Horrible People's music plays again and this time it's Madison Rayne and the MoTARAcyclist woman. She takes off her helmet but leaves on the ski mask... she also has black makeup around her eyes like Batman. And huge cleavage. Madison Rayne threatens to sue them for coming out to HER song and referring to themselves as the Beautiful People. She don't know if the botox has infected her brain, but it was THEM who brought Madison into TNA because they needed youth, beauty, and class. Looking at Angelina Love, who looks like she's pushing 40, I have to agree.

She calls Velvet Sky her own little bitch, and Mike Tenay has the FUCKING AUDACITY to say that's a little REVISIONIST HISTORY from Madison Rayne. Fuck you, Mike Tenay. The Beautiful People beat on The Beautiful People until security breaks them up.

Backstage, Motor City gunnaz talk about getting a free copy of the newest Rock Band, and how they're champions and win and such, and tonight is a tag team match against Generation Who? and their bad haircuts. Chris Sabin doesn't even care that their match is next. They play a Green Day song, then commercials.

Earlier today, a hobo who kind of looks like Brutus Mangey arrives at some hotel or something, with Desmond Fail failing at realizing Chelsea loathes him, and such. He insults her constantly, including a line stolen from Futurama complaining when Chelsea wants to stop to eat, saying she ate yesterday. They're just wandering around, while Chelsea steals their credit card.

TNA Tag Team Championships
THOSE GUYS vs Motor City Machine Guns (C)

The gunnaz didn't give a shit. Why should I?

WINNAR: Motor City Machine Guns

It was a lot closer match than a squash, but it was nevertheless a squash. Backstage, and after a commmercial, Ric Flair squeals and screams incoherently about Hogan and the match and stuff later tonight, yelling at nothing. From behind, Sting arbitrarily chokes him with a bat, and once they get rid of THE BIG PROBLEM around here, they're coming for Flair.

What?

Rundown of matches at TNA No Surrendar, then BUHDUHB DUB, DO YOU HEAR THAT? LETS GO BACKSTAGE WHERE NOT-DOCTOR STEVIE RICHARDS is beating on Abyss. He's taking his fucking time in dismembering and murdering Abyss, just punching and throwing him around. This allows for Abyss to reverse an irish whip into garbage cans, and then stomp on him. He's all like YOU WANNA JOIN YOUR BUDDY RVD? and Stevie says SCREW YOU! Yeah who wants to be taken off TV because it's gotten close to the max 60 appearances per year before he needs to be paid $10,000 per event after those 60 and TNA spent that money on Hulk Hogan and bullshit?

Damn, this backstage brawl is really lasting a long-ass time, and it's not getting any more interesting, compelling, or violent.

Commercials later, Rhino appears in the ring all like YOU WANNA FIGHT SOMEONE ABYSS FIGHT ME NOW! I bet he's still brawling with Stevie, oh wait no he's coming out to the ring with Janice. Abyss easily crushes his fat ass in brawling at ringside. He then takes him to the Spanish announcer's table, where Rhino begins to fight back a bit, but Abyss counters him and they trade punches, and Rhino makes like to Gore Abyss and then Gores him. Out of nowhere, he starts limping. Abyss lays beaten.

Backstage, AJ Styles tells the truth, saying TNA is the house AJ built, not EX-WWE guys, and especially not Jeff Hardy who hasn't been here long enough to build anything. He's barely been around long enough to sober up.

"Fortune" w/ horrible rap version of Ric Flair's genericized music vs "WWE Reject Invaders"

He then goes to the other turnbuckle and runs in to do his floatover elbowdrop thing, and pin gets 2. He then gets to the top rope to do a flying punch thing but runs into Morgan's hand to be choked upon, but he gets out to run, only to run into Morganite's discus clothesline. The Pope gets put against the turnbuckle now and Morganite puts his boot against him. He then removes his elbow pads to do his elbow thingy from behind. He then runs at Pope to hug him against the turnbuckle. When he rebounds, he grabs His Holy Darkness to grab and let go in a lazy sideslam/drop thing.

He crawls to the corner to hoist himself up, and Morgan irish whips him, and runs at him but gets booted away. He then tries again to get booted again! Pope gets to the top rope and flies over Morgan's head and tries a SUnset Flip, but Morgan stays upright and picks him up by his neck and slams him down. Morgan rolls him over to shout some racist things at him, then smack his face around like a racist. This only angries up the blood of the negrow, and he gets up to beat on Morgan, but Morgan WHITES UP and beats Pope down, putting him on the top rope to do his slide otu of the ring thing on him.

Ric Flair beats on Lethal so hard, his tanktop comes off somehow. Lethal rolls under the ring as Ric Flair brings in a trashcan and kendu stick. Lethal then comes up and springboard kicks Flair. He then beats him out of his jacket, and pulls his shirt up to knife-edge chop him. He then tosses Flair's shirt into the crowd. More chops on Flair, and an irish whip on him into a back body drop. He then gets the kendru stick and hits Flair in the head with it. HARDBORE JUSTICE PIMPING and Ric Flair blades.

Lethal gets on the turnbuckle with Flair leaning against it and punches him up. Flair then sells(?) this by blindly punching around and posing, then keeling over. Ric Flair matches are before my time, so I figure this is normal. He then hits Flair with a trash can lid and Flair stands there, then suddenly keels forward. Flair then tears Ric Flair's pants off to bear some awesome underpants. He then steals Flair's belt to whip him with, cuz shit, Flair's darker than him.

Lethal snatches up his torn pants an tosses them into the crowd. He then removes one shoe and one sock and tosses them away. By the way, Doug Williams randomly appeared at ringside to stare. Lethal smacks Flair with a trash can, and Flair keels over again. He then somehow gets up and gets onto the turnbuckle so Lethal can smack him with a cookie sheet. He climbs up top and tries foar a Suparplex, and hits it.

Pope pins for the win and Kurt Angle is pissed. Enough to start a fight that causes the Fortune to fight back.

WINNAR: WWE REJECTS

EV2.0 comes out to beat up on Fortune. They continue brawling as the show ends.

TNA YAY: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! This show had NO redeeming features whatsoever, and put me one step closer to retirement.

TNA BOO: Technically, what I said above.

TNA WTF: You win, TNA. You are more insane in the head than I. YOu've knocked me sane.

But still...

Watch my show or I will find your negroin neck
When I raise my trigga finga all ya fuckaz hit the deck
My hits don't hurt like my near misses
I'm the one like Halo and I'm wrestlicious

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).