We've engaged with Panda Energy's byproduct assessment attempt, and met with initial resistance. The primary data file was... missing. Someone made the data file go missing. Now we are fueling the USS Halonic Death Ray with auxiliary power in order to gain transmission to a greater transmitary source.

Our crew... Me, the me, Captain and... totally awesome everything. This is what we've acquired thus far:

Mike Tenay is here, and oh my god, someone standing behind him is genuinely frightening-looking. He looks like an internet horror meme, and his head is so oversized, he appears to have no neck. Mike Tenay is trying to say something, but this guy is too busy ugly-ing it up and I can't pay attention. He's applauding freakily, too, all hunched over and such. I literally rewound three times just to see him again and again. I have this condition where I stare uncontrollably at freaks. The guy next to him basically chastises him for being a freak on camera and distracting from Mike Tenay, but he doesn't stop.

Mike Tenay is trying to justify the shitting on Don West for being a Jarrett supporter by claiming being a shiller is some kind of great thing. Instead, they replace him with WWE 2001-2009. Yes, The Taz is here to SmackCW it up, in case iMPACT! wasn't too "WWE Rejects" enough for you.

I have serious and strong opinions on this. TNA apparently read my column about turning Don West heel and making him hilarious. And they did so. And it was good. And now they taketh away what was good, to replace it with what was shit since 2003. The Taz is so connected with Smackdown and ECW commentating, that all he can do for TNA is remind people of Smackdown and ECW, and confuse the newbies to TNA. But it will NOT DRAW RATINGS.

That ugly guy is still there being a huge distraction. I'm suddenly confused into thinking I'm watching Smackdown, but then the rinky dink shit music of the mehmz sounds. The Taz basically all but says he's not in the MEM. Fuck you, the Taz. You're no longer cool.

Keeping with weekly tradition for maybe since I injured my knee, the nWo comes out, this time with 50% more crushing burial of the entire company! Fun and true fact: They now control EVERY TNA Championship except the Knerkout's title. Why not just re-tread that thing where Kurt Angle held EVERY TITLE some years ago?

BREAKING FROM TRADITION, my new hero, the BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE interrupts Angle before he can Angle it up. Morgan tells him to shut his fucking mouth little man, only without the fucking. He threatens to kill the black man. Lol, starts with a hate crime. He doesn't even threaten anyone else.

Oh, side note, I probably won't finish this all today, so I'll return tomorrow. Maybe. You'll never know.

Morgan claims Angleite came into Morganite's locker room at Hard Justice: Option 1 - I pin sting, I become the new, TNA world, heavyweight, champion. As well as get my rightful place at the head of the line in the main event mafia.

By the way, Kurtle shaved. Probably to look less like a sexual predator. Wink wink hint hint.

Option 2 - Kurt Angle pins Sting, wins, and gets a freak of nature to play with him.

Option 3 - Go into business for yourself and screw, me, over.

Morganite claims Angle has 10 seconds to answer, or else he will swing his object in hand at a fence somewhere. Is that what "swingin for the fences" means? Or will he just hit Angle with the thing? Angle says Morganite wants answers, and Morganite asks "Do I stutter?"

Angle claims Morganite went into business for himself on the concrete floor when he knocked Angle's head off. He says he lost feeling in his limbs, and heard the referee count, and pulled him out becawidth="630" Sting? Angle says it was a mistake he ended up hitting Morganite instead of Sting. And then he fell onto Morgan.

But they accomplished keeping the TNA title in the nWo, further burying any and all non-WWE and non-WCW related stupidstars and such. Now Angle and him will be facing Team Dudley Boys in a tables match. Morgan prefers to murder Angle in the ring, using what looks like an axe with no axehead.

Morgan mocks Angle a bunch, talking like Angle had Morgan's best interests at heart, but he's obviously being sleazy and such, and Angle is apparently stupid enough to believe him, but that's a common trope in drama and shitty stuff.

Completely pointless backstage thing that lasts three or four seconds that AJ Styles ignores Lauren for stuff.

Random Commercial-area Thought: NOOOO wait

Holy fucking shit, before I can come up with something to say, we come in right in the buttfuck middle of the Britannic invasion with Sheik Abdullah the Butcher KiLuigi and Large Robert Terry being ejaculated from the ring area.

British Invasion vs Beer Money, sneaking up on them through the crowd

The Beer moneys ambush the Brythonics with garbage cans and kendu sticks and a strap and attack everyone. Double irish whip into a double back elbow. The Taz makes this feel like Smackdown. TEH DOUG is being hanged over the ropes, and Brutal Mange is choked with a strap outside. The Taz makes this feel like WWECW.

Double suplex on Big Brutus Magnus on the entrance ramp. Beer money taunt. TEH DOUG gets slammed on the stairs. Beer Money is super powered with automatic momentum meters full because they're wearing jeans, but OH NOES, TEH DOUG tied a string around the turnbuckle from the outside. It's a FUCKING ROPE, TENAY! Fuck you, Taz. Teh Doug chokes him a bit, then comes in and smacks the other guy with some kind of object no one got to see. I swear my eyes are darting about because things keep changing when I don't realize them.

Robert Roode blades, and gets beaten on by the other two. Double teaming on Roode. This is boring. People chant "We want tables" because clearly they just don't care either.

Somehow Roode is fighting back when I had just looked away briefly. It's ended with a gabrage can to the head. Now THIS is fucking awesome---TEH DOUG brings out a plastic bag, presumably to murder Robert Roode.

FUCKING

MIKE

TENAY!

IT'S NOT A FUCKING "PAPER BAG" YOU FUCKING RETARDED PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

A referee freed James Storm, because that's totally not fucking cheating by interfering in the match, and James Storm murderates the Britons all on his own. Roode recovers to spinebusterate Brutal Maggus, and somehow the Britons are bleeding heavily. Sickening powerbomb on the garbage can, which barely flattens, and Beer Money pins. James Storm rather looks Mike Knox-ish with that beard.

WINNAR: Beer Money

Backstage bullshit now with Lauren pointlessly talking with the Horrible People. She lost a BFF, and Lauren patronizes her by claiming Angelina should be happy because she lost a BFF and title, but she got a little stuffed bear. Angelina says she doesn't understand Laurie because she doesn't speak Ugly. Apparently Madison Rayne is out of My Pie Sexy. I missed this because it was on pay per view. Velvet Sky says she must break Madison Rayne, only less Russian.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: NASCAR is not a real sport.

Video package from apparently sunday where your new TNA Knerkout Champion is Cory Deaner... He then snatches the belt from ODB, who figured that the Knockout Championshit had a gender cap on it, and he just runs away with her chasing after him.

Also for some reason, Madison Rayne comes out with the Horrible People's music, despite her being supposedly thrown out in anger. And to further render that music entrance stupidity stupid, here comes Angelina Love from nowhere to killshit Rayne, and smash her head on the ring steps and such. The ring bell rings despite them not being in the ring.

Angelina Love vs Madison Rayne

The Taz correctly lists the importancew of the Beautiful People with Angelina on top, then Velvet, then Madison. And before I could even finish this paragraph, Angelina pins for the win.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

Velvet Sky comes out with a brown paper bag, which I'm surprised Michael Tenay could tell was paper, and not maybe fucking metal or plastic or something since he's that stupid. Tarantula's music randomly hits, and she runs out with some random woman to rescue her. Oh, it's Christy Hemme.

HAHA some little kid in the audience taps Angelina's shoulder. That's the most memorable bit of that shit.

Fake promo with the Motor guns in like a commercial type thing. Shelley says they haven't been seen on TV lately because they don't play political games, they don't kiss the right asses, etcetera. STOP SHOOTING, SHELLEY! They say they're about three things:

1) Entertaining you the fans 2) Getting laid
3) Getting paid

Hey, I know a way you can do all three at once! Be porn stars!

So their paychecks are suffering because they're talented, so they offer us a special offer---their services to us, for $2000 an hour. Maybe they really ARE going to be porn stars.

They say they'll do outdoor activities and play video games. Oohohohohooooo... now that you mention video games...

Robot Shelley is just fine with seeing District 9 again if you want to take him again. They'll even sit around with you if you want to just sit around, and they'll bleed your bank account dry. They'll happily watch Metalocalypse while you make them dinner.

What kind of stoner fuck has dinner at fucking midnight?! Oh, and very quickly, they offer to throw in a free Sham-Wow!

All of a sudden we have another pointless backstage thing showing the Beautiful People beating up some random blonde.

Homicide vs Samoa Joe w/ X Division Championicles

The Taz comes out, and boy he's gotten fat...ter. Oh wait, it's Joe. Taz tells Tenay to remind him to ask Joe for Taz's towel back.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Julia Roberts is one of the ugliest things ever, and her mouth is fucking huge.

Rather than wait for the TV audience, they just start the fucking match right away, so we come back and these two are beating on each other. Joe gets tossed out of the ring by Homicide, who tries to do a flying thing, but Joe smartly moves, only for Homicide to jump from the apron with a flippy move.

Homicide throws him back in and starts punching him into a corner. He tries to do a monkey flip on Joe, or as they say it in Mexico, a "flip" (see what I did there?) but Joe drops him on the turnbuckle, then clotheslines him from behind. Then he starts kneeing and doing his faggy jabs. Question: What's the fucking point of Joe's facepaint?

Joe reverses a running Homicide into a powerslam. I'm pretty sure Mike Tenay is just as horrible as Michael Cole. He completely called the move something else completely unrelated. German suplex from Joe, then a powerbomb with a pinfail. Joe quickly gets another powerbomb attempt, but Homicide forces Joe to fall on his fat back, and land on his face. Joe catches Homicide in an attempted tilt-a-whirl sideslam but HOMICIDE just sort of falls onto Joe's face.

Homicide tried something, but Joe dropped his throat on the rope, but then he somehow ends up pinning Joe.

Homicide tries to run at him, but Joe does another standing Rock Bottom onto him. He then does Mankind's SPECIAL taunt from WWF Wrestlemania 2000, but HOMIZIDE gets a rear naked choke on him, only for Joe to drop him off and kick him in the head, then get him into a Musclebuster for the pinfall.

WINNAR: Samoan Joseph from American Samoa

BACKSTAGE with the face Knockouts all playing with Tara's tarantula.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "Is there anyone in there? Answer the door!"
"Answer the door, but please--be polite!"
[door opens] "Nobody's here. Go away."

BACKSTAGE again with the face Knockouts all being interviewed by an overly happy Lauren. Oh snapsz, Former Victoria does a little snip at WWE because they would never make a Knockouts championship tag team titles. Is that what this announcement is? Maybe they should try telling us this. Christy lezzes out with Tara a bit, but not in an erotic porny kind of way.

Taylor Wilde teams up with Sarita in some kind of match against someone. Isn't that how they all are? Philosophically, would it not be possible to put on a proper match with only one competitor? Or could an inanimate object count for such as well? On a related note, I'm waiting for my 5 star Ric Flair vs Broomstick match.

Awesome Kong vs Traci Brooks vs Sarita vs Christy Hemme

Stupid fucking idiot who makes the little nametags gives no last name to Traci, and puts Sharmell's name right beneath hers without any "accompanied by" or "with" or anything. So it basically looks like her name is "Traci Sharmell".

Christy Hemme taunts me by being amazingly attractive on video, but being a disgusting disappointment in pictures.

What match? Oh, it's apparently a four way match, whereas I was somehow lead to believe it was a tag team four way match. See? NOTHING ESCAPES ME, EVENTUALLY! I know all, at some point.

It starts with Kong killing everyone but Sarita, who keeps bouncing around, then tries a hurricanrana so Kong just tosses her off, and runs but gets the top rope down so Kong throws herself out. Then Traci recovers enough to be beaten down with a weak-ass punch for five minutes, then Christy and Sarita double team Kong out of the ring again.

Traci DEFIES the rules and gets up before five minutes, now attacking Christy Hemme. Presumably she attacked Sarita beforehand, because she's suddenly not around. Kong then appears to shove Traci, and Sarita flips onto Kong from the ring. Aside from that flip, there have been no MOVES done in this match thus far.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Where in the fuck do they sell fruit flavored cigarettes like they show in the "Truth" commercials with the old man in the ice cream truck selling cigarettes to kids? I've never smoked ever at all, and I want some. Thanks, "Truth"!

Now Christy Hemme tries a flaming herpes on Kong, but gets slammed down, and now everyone stomps on Kong, until Sarita kicks Traci and... Traci promptly drops Sarita mid-tilt a whirl sideslam. BOTCH! Christy catches Traci for a reverse DDT, then she goes up the ropes for her burning hot crotch, but Kong grabs her for something.

Kong then grabs Christy for an implant buster and then Sarita attacks her from somewhere, does a springboard "get caught in Kong's arms" move, and gets slammed and splashed by Kong.

The Taz's commentary sucks a dick.

Traci randomly runs in and pins Christy while Kong was climbing the top rope for a move. Laugh out loud.

WINNAR: Traci Brooks

Traci promptly runs away with Sharmell while Kong walks after her. Kong throws shit around. By "shit" I mean chairs, and by "around" I mean at the entrance ramp. And by "Kong", I mean "DK... DONKEEY KONG!" Not really.

Everyone please, bow your heads, and pretend to be serious: The Pope is coming down to the ring.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: DOCTOR SATAN! AAAAH DOCTOR SATAAAN!

Back and Consequences Creed gets the jobber (non)entrance.

Pope Benedictus 16 vs Consequences Creed

Wait... that's not the fucking pope. It's so---

It's ELIJAH BURKE!

I was about to say some random black guy, but now I'm happy, because he's great. At least I think he's great; like Marcks Raynor, I refuse to watch WWE as well, only in my case, it's more of a "I listen to the non-wrestling shit, but don't pay attention to the wrestling". Just like this job.

Elijah armwrenches Creed after the referee throws Jay Lethal out like a black guy in 1960s Alabama. Pope Elijah I kicks on Creed and Creed flings himself onto the apron, punches Elijah, then jumps and does a Superhero arm thing. Look it up on SvR09, it's what it's called.

Creed beats up on Pope guy with his dancing and fun, then Pope guy just fucking smashes his jaw with a sickening punch, and someone cursed loudly because it was bleeped.

Pope guy tries some kind of jumping thing on him, but slides off Creed's body, but saves his botch by taunting. He does a top rope fist dorp thing, pinfails, and keeps punching, and now chinlock on Creed. Black on black violence! We'll call it "Nig-a-nig" or something. Creed breaks free, and runs at the Pope, catches his leg, and bounces around dodging all Apollo Creedy.

Pope Blackness wants a time out, and the referee kind of looks like he's about to agree, but Pope slams Conzequences onto the turnbuckle, then runs at Creed to do a stalling top rope handstand into an elbow dorp. Then he does the Elijah Express, only undoubtedly with a different name.

WINNAR: Pope Blackness

Lights go out, and some random person's music plays. Oh, it's Suicide. Funny; I would never have realized it if it weren't for Tenay and/or the music's lyrics. Pope looks stunned. Well of course, Suicide is a sin in Catholicism. Pope Blackness is not amused! He refuses to fight, and slides out of the ring.

Pope Blackness is shouting "I'M THE POPE!" as he leaves.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: MAYBE HE LIVES NEXT DOOR--TO YOU!!!!

Backstage with Matthias Morgan and Lauren. He's saying something, and suggests that Lauren is wrong about Kurtle working Morgan. Morgan is apparently frozen in sarcasm mode, because he says Kurtle would never lie, and that they have each other's backs and boots in the match. Oops; he meant to say BACK, right? Kurt will have Morgan's boot---err, back, RIGHT?? RIGHT?!? AAAAAM IIII RIGHT?! He blames this slipup on inexperience.

AJ Smiles comes out, mysteriously missing his last name in a physical sort of way. He says he's gonna do something hard, and people chant "Don't Quit!" That's right; only quitters quit, so keep doing drugs. Wait, what? AJ does his whole butthurt promo about his shitty father and AJ never quitting and being proud about who he is. AMERICA! YEAH! USA! AJ STYLES! NO QUITTING YEAH!

Surprisingly, AJ is not proud about losing the TNA Leges Title or losing against Morganite or losing Eric Young and Samoan Yusuf. AJ says he promised to be a better dad than his father, and they get a long zoom-in of his dejected looking face, all Debbie Downer-like.

I made that.

AJ says wrestling starts messing with his life and he starts yelling at his family for petty little things. HeBenoit then mentions how his Benoitson tells his Benoitwife not to Benoitlisten to him when he yellsBenoit at herBenoit. He starts crying, perhaps legit, and people chant his nameBenoit. He then asks the Mick Foley Anti-Hardcore question of Is it worth it? And the answer for Styles is No.

AJ then says it's not worth the setback, etcetera, not worth stuff, and most of all not worth letting TNA fans down. One black guy in the front starts making hand gestures like trying to reassure AJ he's not letting them down. He's letting ME down! Jobbing to Kevin Nash?!?!

People shout NO! when he says it's time for AJ styles.... presumably to quit. He says he's gonna say goodbye to professional wrestling, and he loves the fans, and OH NOES it's Sting coming down without makeup or anything or music entrance. Big-time respect promo thing, perhaps?

He gets in the ring, and starts jerking it up by being mean to AJ for wanting to quit. Hard butthurt words which nevertheless are truthful, accusing AJ of quitting, quitting on the fans and his family and stuff. Sting pulls off the sunglasses, and SHOCK! Sting is Steve Borden! I had no idea, what with the facepaint disguise and the sunglasses when he doesn't have the facepaint---it's like Clark Kent, only less gay!

Sting pretty much shits on AJ's emotional promo thing by reducing all of what AJ said into a few words and how he's had it done for 20 years and OH MY GOD BOOOOORING "damn kids, no respect for yer elders, damn kids!" type promo. More "respeeeect" dribbling.

Sting quotes some Revenge of the Sith in saying to AJ "You were the Chosen One!" word for word, and keeps being angry at AJ for wanting to walk away and such. He wants him to say "Sting, I quit", and "Sting, I give up!" and "Sting, I can't!", and "Sting, I'm a loser!" Sting clearly tries to get AJ to stay, because he says AJ can either say all that, or go and lace his boots up and claim what's his. Honestly, I can't even remember what Sting told him to say, and I just wrote it down.

AJ turns around, goes up to Sting, and hugs him. Aww tender moment. AJ Benoit's it up a bit by implying he's gone out of his mind a bit. Then they leave together. What the fuck? So what did he choose? I would have assumed that he chose to stay, but

FUCKING
MIKE
TENAY!

plants the seed of doubt by basically implying that AJ's future is STILL in doubt. FUCKING MIKE TENAY.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The entirety of operations centers of a military significance under your command shall hitherto become aggrandized property of us.

Backstage now with Hernando talking about his title thing briefacse and cashing it in. Some random guy shows up---oh it's Eric Young, and apparently he was never naturally platinum blonde! He's trying to convince Hernando to join the Wrorld L33t, and claims that if Hernandez didn't think Young was right, he would have cracked Young's head already.

Bobby Lashley comes out all "Boss"-nicknamed. Fucking Mike Tenay retard tries to hype the shit out of Bobby Lashley trying to "do it all at the same time" involving doing... MMA and professional wrestling. Two things. Fucking Mike Tenay. That ugly guy I mentioned earlier is still there behind the commentators and slaps hands with Bobby as he gets on commentary. Dixie Carter will make her TNA debut to make a VERY STRONG AND HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Some shit involving Bobby lashley. Gotcha, smark bitches! The graphic they display seems to imply Bobby Lashley and Dixie Carter will wrestle next week. Book it, Russo!

Team 3D vs SUPER SEMEN Matt Morgan and Kurk Angle

Kurtle steps up to Bobby Lashley during his entrance, and Bobby stands up and takes off his headphones, only for Kurt to reach over and place his hand upon Bobby's face. I'm pretty sure that's all he did. Bobby then punches and tries to attack, but fake security pulls them apart. Bobby Lashley is sent away for being black, and the match is about to begin.

The match hasn't even fucking begun yet, and people are already chanting "We want tables!" Fucking audience.

Match begins with Angle and Brother Ray Deadly, and they tie up, then headlock on Kurt. UH OH Taz calls him Buh Buh, then corrects himself in calling him Brother Ray, then proceeds to say Bubba again afterwards. Angle was just punching on him and then Bubba monkey flips Kurtle, then scoop slams, then climbs out of the ring for a table where Morganite attacks him, and throws him into the ring.

Angle whips Buh Buh Ray, and D-Von blindly tags in, and they manage to catch Angle in a double inverted neckbreaker thing. Devon now punching on Angle in the turnbuckle. Morganite ends up inside and dominates Devon. Maybe I'm not paying enough attention. Morgan does his running slip-on-the-guy-while-he's-on-the-ropes then land outside and taunt. Brother Ray attacks Morgan as he tries to get the table, and The Taz says Bubba a few more times.

Scoop slam from Morgan onto Devon, with dueling chants for them two. Devon dodges a leg dorp from Morgan, then he gets clotheslined out, then they double back body dorp thing on Angle. I forgot the name.

Random Commercial-area Thought: "A stupid French fuck Nostradamus
Who liked saying doom was upon us
Wrote an end of the world bit
In rhyming French bullshit
And if my ear were a vagina I could have sex with myself."

Suddenly I'm back in and they do the Devon's face to Morgan's penis, presumably to get a better look at his superior DNA. Then they get the tables, and the tables get some of the loudest chants of the match. Shows how much they care, maybe? They get two tables, and Morgan gets in, and the two of them stall setting up a table on the turnbuckle so Morgan can taunt some, then double clothesline.

Now Morgan is stalling by doing nothing, and taunting twice in a row, undoubtedly to fill his Momentum bar. He tries to chokeslam Devon through the table but "BUBBA re; Taz" pulls the table away. Angle stomps on Devon, because Angle is white, and punchies on Devon's face. Then he punchies Buh Buh Ray Dudley, then Devon tries to get a reversed Angle Slam into something onto the table btu Morgan pulls it away. Morganite now going to charge at Devon through the table, but Devon moves. Morgan was going to do a Carbon footprint, and probably hurt his leg from smashing the table with his leg.

Bruther Ray Deadly comes in, fixes up the first table, and tries to powerbomb him through the table but reverses into the Olympic Slam but Devon pulls the table away and now punchies on Morgan. Apparently they gave up on tag rules now that the tables came out. Devon pulls the table back up, and now Buh Buh Ray Deadly is up to do a double suplex on Morgan through the table and Angle tries to pull it away, but Morgan is too tall and smashes the table a bit. But the referee says match goes on. More tables, then.

Haha, they ran out of tables under the ring or something. So that table smash was a botch. Someone slides a table alongside the commentator's table for Brother Ray Dudley to get, and set up. He just tosses out the broken table and almost hits the guy who gave him the new table. THANKS, ASSHOLE.

Angle quickly starts punching on the Cyprus Hill guys, then European uppercuts Devon and Morganite comes in, and shenanigans are impending! Devon is laid on the table and Angle directs Morgan to get on the turnbuckle and jump on him, rather than Morgan just slam him into him like that. Buh Buh hits Angle, then Devon gets up and together they throw him through the table.

WINNARS: Team Dudley Boys

Angle doesn't even bother to stay but just starts backtracking up the ramp and Morganite apparently blames Kurt Angle for this. That is my judgement based on his yelling and screaming. But I could be wrong. Perhaps they missed out on the cake offered them if they quit the match beforehand.

Captain's log, addendum, Stargate... Extended Cut

FUN!: Very little. Blame my apathy, because it was probably a fun show for other people, but I just didn't care.

BORING!: A lot of other things. That whole controversy thing with Angle and Morgan was supposed to lead to shenanigans in the main event, and that was seriously the best they could come up with? To quote Jeff Hardy, "That was the fucking shits"

LIFE!: Was I supposed to be joking? I always figured I was just telling it the way I see it, when sober. And I see a lot of things when sober. A whole lot.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com