When we open, WE ARE LOOKING AT VIDEO FOOTAGE SHOT SOME THIRTY MINUTES AGO! It has Jeff Hardy beating up on Abyss backstage, throwing him into objects and such, while wearing JEANS! TWF FANLAW! His attacks are SUPER effective. But Abyss is a monster---a ravager of vaginas! He takes control and beats on Jeff. They end up fighting just in front of the commentator's table, where the LIVE commentators remind us that the audio isn't quite well due to audio checks and such, so the PRE-TAPED commentators are like "wut-- b-- w---rw---" and then talk into phones all like get people out here, wtf happening, etctera, turn our mics on, our monitors are on but I can't-- can you hear me?
Jeff and Monster are fighting, and inexplicably, Hardy's butt is blurred out. They fight, while TNA personnel are like "RAARGH" standing aside looking shocked and appalled and such. The fans that are here are all like "YAY" and cheering for Hardy and such. They fight along the ringisde area and up into another backstage area across the ring. Abyss ends up using an extension cord to wrap around Hardy's face, digging it into his mouth to yank back on.
Backstage somewhere else, a bunch of fans are standing in line and get to see it on a TV over their heads. I'm wondering why they blur out Hardy's ass, given that he ain't showing any buttcrack, and several instances already showed his butt unblurred earlier. My only assumption is he's wearing a designer thong they dont have permission to show on TV.
People cheer as they end up brawling outside in the outdoor Florida heat. I live in Florida so I know how that heat is; you could kill a fuckload of ants and cook you some snails in this heat. The NWA doods arrive to choke out Hardy. Elsewhere LIVE NOW comes Eric Bischoff, to NO MUSIC OR ENTRANCE SO OMFG SRSLY FUCKING BUSINESS!
He gets a microphone looking all sadface, or as Sid would say, "Fugee-face" as in the kind of face Refugees have cos they're all sad and such. It's from "Children of Men" so it's good. Bischoff is all like we're gonna hold YOU responsible Ric Flair for the attack on EV2.0 and such. They will not stand for it. He apologize to Dixie Carter and assures her they will hold Ric Flair accountable. And Abyss, WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE WHAT YOU DID TO RVD! It was inhumane, barbaric, borderline homicidal. HOW DARE A MAN CALLED "THE MONSTER" ABYSS DARE TO DO THIS TO HIS OPPONENT AFTER SPENDING A FULL MONTH AND MORE SCREAMING THAT HE WOULD DO JUST THAT!
Eric Bischoff says he visited RVD, and he's being held together by stitches, staples, and pins, because TNA don't give no health insurance. They're waiting for the condition of his spinal column, he's got multiple pierced organs, and MOST TERRIBLE OF ALL; he may have trauma~! Eric says he will always have a home in TNA. No matter if he's got no face or legs or arms, he can keep siphoning paychecks as long as possible.
However, the show must go on! So they vacate the TNA World title. A bunch of boos, and a bunch of people chanting "YES!" A tournament consisting of... the TNA top 8 contender things, leading up to Bound for Glory. Overtime for Kurt Angle to bury the competition and make champion again! I guess. Right?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: WHAt in the Who and the huh and the where?
We get a video thing of iMPACT PLAYER OF THE WEEK! It's Brutus Magnus, minus the Brutus. Really. Seriously. He's not been on iMPACT in how many months and he's suddenly iMPACT player of the week? Very long video package thing here. My guess is he's finally returning from the shitlist of TNA 'Splosion. Yeah, fuck you Rob Brown! When are you bringing your recap thing to the main page? Man up, faggot!
Backstage, Madison Rayne bitches that Angelina Love cheated, that she's cheated ever since she came to the company. Yeah, how dare she get someone to pre-plan her matches with pre-determined outcomes! She's a cheating bitch. Madison's talking to a cameraman in the parking lot thing all like she's gonna kick Angelina's ass and such.
TNA World Championship Tournament Stage
Freaky Rob Terry vs Jeff Hardy
Jeff starts pounding on big Roid, with lazy punches and stuff. He's still wearing jeans, so these have big effect. When he runs at him, he gets caught in a BIG ROID front slam anyway, btu he's worn down a bit and has to wipe his face. He grabs Jeff's throat and guides him up to the second rope to chokeslam him off. BUT BUT JEANS! Not a street fight, though. Big Roid shoulder thrusts into Hardy on the other turnbuckle, then irish whips him into it, and runs at him only to be tripped up into it and dropped on his butt. Hardy does a floating dropkick thing on him twice.
He then drags Terry out and pin gets 2. As they get up, Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind on him and pin gets 2. Hardy gets onto the other turnbuckle, second rope jumps into Freak's clothesline. He then kicks Hardy down as he gets up, and picks him up to spinning headkick him. Then he picks him up for a front slam-looking thing, but Jeff slips out and shoves Terry into the turnbuckle, rebound, and does a very sloppy Twist of Fate. Hardy then gets up for a Kenton Bomb.
WINNAR: Jeff Hardy
Backstage, Ric Flair's FOURTUNE arrives in a SUV, where they and a bunch of girls have been packed in like a family of Mexicans.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: WHAT? Another one?
Video recap of last week's beatdown on ECW GUISE and NEW FOOTAGE of Dixie Carter yelling at Tommy Dreamer like GET THIS RIGHT and such and sadness and such. Live backstage, Hulk Hogan's on the phone all bitching and shitting on TNA by saying he built TNA around Rob Van Dam, and they took him out and he can't be replaced! It's like killing the president.
Hogan is apparently unaware of the whole concept of Vice President and Speaker of the House and the dozens of people whose entire secondary objectives are to be ready to become President.
He QQ's moar and says he's just gonna have a bitchfit and quit cos RVD got taken out.
Jay Lethal vs Anderson Anderson
Anderson is a COWARD. He is a BLIGHT. He is EVERYTHING that is wrong with this business. I can't fucking stand him! His gimmick is essentially that of the smug, arrogant douchebag frat boy who slips roofies into girl's drinks, then rapes them and records it and puts it on the internet while making stupid faces and posing, and engaging in heavily scatological pornography activities with them, then bribes others to do his schoolwork for him and gets by on sweettalking teachers into giving out extra credit for him, sleeps during class, and has a rich as hell father to pay his way through college.
And that's not even covering his nonexistant wrestling ability! Even John Cena learned a few more wrestling moves or had instances in certain matches where he'd work brilliantly with his opponent, like Shawn Michaels. Nothing Anderson's done has been more than him punching and kicking, boring and ineffective restholds, and generic moves like a suplex and his finisher. WHERE is his appeal? Or is the wrestling world in such bad shape that someone charismatic becomes a fan favorite?
I'd rather have John Cena than Anderson, because at least Cena is not ACTIVELY offensive to all the senses at once. Even Cena's whiteboy rapper gimmick has dwindled a bit, whereas Anderson's jackassy gimmick has risen. He's exactly the sort of guy Stone Cold Steve Austin would bury the fucking shit out of as a stepping stone to reach someone like Triple H or Vince McMahon.
WINNAR: Ken Anderson
Backstage, Christy Hemme interviews Angelina Love, who is all like Madison is SCUUUURRRED and how she last time literally had to GIVE her championship belt to Madison Rayne. Yeah, because she TOTALLY didn't not even win it herself but had it GIVEN to her by the referee in a Russo-fied bit of total idiocy and confusion about the noninterference rules.
Last week on TNA Reaction, the Motor City Machine Guns talked to the camera in literally pitch fucking darkness to say they're the best in the world and such. Then clip of their winning last week iMPACT. Robot Shelley says that they dug deep in their bag of tricks to win the titles and then retain them through that 5 match tournament thing with Baer Money.
TNA Knockout Championship
Madison Rayne vs Angelina Love (C)
Angelina Love brings Velvet Sky out to be her backup as the MoTARAcycle woman is Madison Rayne's. HURRDURR ORIGINAL BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE REUNION. Angelina attacks the motorcyclist first, beating on her, so Madison Rayne just ambushes her and throws her in the ring. Bell rings fnally and she gets to... pulling on her hair. She then wraps her legs around Angelina's head and does that mat-thrust thing with booshing Angelina's head into the mat thing.
She then grabs Angelina in a DDT position but knee-lifts her, then tries a slow neckbreaker so Angelina Love drops her in a jawbreaker-thing. She runs and slams Madison's head down, then grabs her up for a front slam. MYSTERY WOMAN grabs Angelina's legs, so Velvet attacks her... only to grab Madison's legs as well. Angelina hits a move called Botox Injection and pinwins.
WINNAR + STILL KNOCKOUT CHAMPION: Angelina Love
Angelina and Velvet pose, and the heels ambush them from behind and beat them up and such. Backstage, Ric Flair's FOURTUNE finally end up walking out to the ring.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That’s my long answer to everything too. Nooooooooooo- etc.
Video recap of the whole ECW thing. Jeezus Chrice, isn't this over yet?
In the ring is Ric Flair's FORTUNE thing, where he talks about power and such. Ric Flair adds TEH DOUGLASS WILLIAMS tot he group, and apparently Matt Morgan, too. It's SIXTUNE. Yes, that sucks a lot. So to make sure Ric Flair is calm, collected, pampered, shmoozed, etcetera, he hired Matt Morgan. INS policy? His words. We lookin' at FORTUNE, learn to love it cos it ain't going anywhere soon.
Now on to more old bullshit; EV2. His word. A circus act, a bunch of undisciplined animals. He DARES them to call themselves wrestlers, they don't belong in the bidness. The marquee (lol what marquee) says PRO WRESTLING, not garbage cans, tables, etcetera. Ric Flair can crash in an airplane and walk around and talk about it. So until an ECW guy crashes in an airplane, don't talk to Ric Flair, kiss his ass. This is the house AJ Styles built, AJ says.
This brings out MONEY MARK DIXIE CARTER! She says he may have built this house, but she owns it! It's her house, and if it's her house, it's their house, and points behind her, and it's the ECW GUISE! There's more paychecks to be had, they ain't leaving! Fuck legacies! Dixie says at HARDGORE JUSTICE they thought they saw them for the last time, but as of tonight, they all have TNA contracts. YAY FREE MONEY FOR EVERYONE!
Ric Flair's like WHAT ON MY RESUME SAYS I TAKE ANY CRAP FROM WOMEN?! I don't know how to respond to that, so here's this:
Tommy Dreamer says if she didn't say for them to all stand back, they'd all be in the ring kicking their asses right now. Ric Flair drops to his back and kicks his feet a bunch. Tommy Dreamer says Dixie acknowledged their past, and now they move forward and it's all about TNA. Ric Flair says NO! NO! NO and Tommy Dreamer mocks him all like "YOU SHADDAP! WOO! YOU SHADDAP! WOOO!"
Mick Foley then mentions a midnight drunken phone call he received from Ric Flair, and Foley's wife asked who was he talking to and Foley mouthed (Ric Flair) and that Ric Flair is not a God and that night he was down on his luck saying "I don't know what to do" and such, and Ric keeps babbling so Foley says to cut his mic. Mick Foley told him how great it was to be a part of TNA, that Ric needed to make the move that was right for him---after all, he needed money. Mick Foley says his one regret was taking that phone call, and he should've left TNA for them. More money to go around---who knows how much Ric Flair demands?!
Flair gets another microphone all like he works for Ric Flair and Fortune, so go home and get soft, Mick Foley. Tommy Dreamer says thjey're men of their word, so they not gonna attack them. Abyss; WE WILL GET YOU THE WAY WE KNOW HOW. AJ, a hundred percent, this is the house that you built, and we have nothing but respect for you UNTIL LAST WEEK, because GOd knows they never watched TNA before their own involvement.
So tonight it's gonna be AJ Styles vs Tommy Dreamer, and they gonna make it EXTREME! And holy hell,t he music they play is EXACTLY one of the generic songs from WWE Day of Reckoning or Day of Reckoning 2 or so.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: All I can eat? You don’t know what you just got yourself into, homes.
Kurt Angle vs Douglas Williams
Come on... the fuck you think.
WINNAR: Kurt Angle
Sue me, dickhead. Backstage, Sting and Kevin Nash wandering around backstage.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I need a drink.
Backstage thing of Ken Anderson talking about being in the final four now because of Rob Van Dam's injury, and Anderson sympathizes, cos he's been int hat position before; MANY TIMES HURDURR!
Meanwhile, Sting and Kevin Nash come to the ring to talk about things involving Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett. Note how aside from Jarrett, who was actually in WCW enough times to begin with, all those are WCW-y names. All involving very old men.
Kevin Nash says he's known Sting for some 20 years and no one he respects more than Sting. Nash has been called a cancer in this business before. He been called a lot of things, but after 20 years and 28 operations, he's not out here for just money, but to do what he does and such, and he'll be damned if someone tells him to step aside! Number one, you don't tell him, you ask him, and if you want his spot, come take it!
He says they're this close in the company to turning this company, and the cancer ain't in the ring, it's in the back. STOP SHOOTING, NASH!!!~!!!~`1
So you wanna know the truth of what's going on around here?! Jeff Jarrett comes out to say the truth is if anyone's full of Bee Ess, it's Kevin Nash, and a leopard doesn't change its spots, and it's always been about Kevin Nash; he never gave a dayum about anybody and that's never gonna change. And Sting, as far as he go, Jarrett can stand up here tonight on this stage, open up the closet door, and they can talk about all his skeletons, and he know exactly what he talking about! HE GOT nWo STING'S CORPSE ROTTING IN HIS CLOSET! But there's a lockerroom (and millions of people watching, including an Andariel Halo) sick of their shit.
The company was better off with the two of them, he says. So Jarrett say he gonna walk down to the ring in honor of Hulk Hogan, and he gonna get a steel chair and beat both their asses. Hulk Hogan's voice appears all like LET ME TELL YA SOMETHIN BRUTHER, IF YOU'RE GOING DOWN TO THE RING, DEWD, YOU'RE NOT GOING BY YOURSELF! Hulk Hogan appears all like EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU TWO REALLY ARE and Jarrett built this company, and HOGAN AND BISCHOFF came here to help himfinish the job. lulzwurt?
The reason they're so jealous is because the spotlight is shining on the young guys snort and not on them two, like it's shining on them right now in the ring. So why not Sting put the bat to the side and do it like a real man. Sting riskily throws it through the air, and it hits the ramp rather than hitting someone in the crowd. Hogan and Jarrett then go to the ring. I notice now they apparently did away with the elevated platform entirely.
By the way, fifty bucks says Jarrett turns on Hogan or something of the sort. It's just too obvious. Speaking of obvious, the lights go out, and when we return, FORTUNE is in the ring, having stomped down on... ehh... everyone but Sting. Then they beat up on Sting. That lights-out trick is fucking old already, and damn the idiots in the audience with cameras who use the flash to screw it for us.
Backstage is His Holy Darkness Pope Blackadictus I D'Angelo Dinero talking about Matt Morgan. He's faced him before, and he's gonna eliminate him and come out on top in this tournament.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Let the malaise of movies begin.
Backstage, ECW GUY SHENANIGANS! Raven says they SHOULDA KILLED HIM and Tommy Dreamer's like this is all part of the plan, don't be a rebel Raven. Raven says THERE'S ALWAYS A BIGGER PICTURE! Tommy calls in his bitch Stevie to back him up and such to not eff with his match tonight. Some random nobody who I've never seen in ECW says he's known AJ since he was a baby but now he hanging out with Ric Flair and the title and such.
Matt Morgan vs Pope D'Angelo Dinero
I never realized until now that Morgan's music has vocals that are incredibly incoherent. YOU tell me what the chorus line sounds like! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BAdee eeehhh AAh dehhh ehhhh. So Morgan starts by running at Pope, but silly white boy, he's black, so he dips under him and such. He tries again, so Pope ducks, and beats on Morgan. White boy is clever, and doesn't run at him when he ducks, so catches him in a chokey thing. But The Pope puts him in the corner and stomps him down. He dances about, then returns to kick at Morgan's back.
He then goes to the other turnbuckle and runs in to do his floatover elbowdrop thing, and pin gets 2. He then gets to the top rope to do a flying punch thing but runs into Morgan's hand to be choked upon, but he gets out to run, only to run into Morganite's discus clothesline. The Pope gets put against the turnbuckle now and Morganite puts his boot against him. He then removes his elbow pads to do his elbow thingy from behind. He then runs at Pope to hug him against the turnbuckle. When he rebounds, he grabs His Holy Darkness to grab and let go in a lazy sideslam/drop thing.
He crawls to the corner to hoist himself up, and Morgan irish whips him, and runs at him but gets booted away. He then tries again to get booted again! Pope gets to the top rope and flies over Morgan's head and tries a SUnset Flip, but Morgan stays upright and picks him up by his neck and slams him down. Morgan rolls him over to shout some racist things at him, then smack his face around like a racist. This only angries up the blood of the negrow, and he gets up to beat on Morgan, but Morgan WHITES UP and beats Pope down, putting him on the top rope to do his slide otu of the ring thing on him.
He then grabs Pope's torso and slams him into the apron while on the outside. He tries to charge at the Pope from one end to another, but he moves aside and Morgan hits the turnbuckle. Pope then brings him into the ring and pin, pulls Morgan's hand off the rope, and wins.
WINNAR: His Holy Darkness D'Angelo Dinero
Apparently the tournament is ALREADY half-complete, as the four matches we had tonight were all quarterfinals.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Notice how all my commercial-area thoughts have been ripped from Cameron Burge's RAW recaps?
Before we get started, let's talk about Twilight. Namely, the sparkly bit.
It's a fun gimmick for a comedy thing, but seriously? Sparkly? Why? Why? Where does this come from and why? Why sparkly? Why not stripes? Why not glisten like glass? Why not have it turn brown like a black person? How come Edward Cullen is out in public school all the time and he never sparkles? Does he only go out on cloudy days? Why hasn't he gotten dropped from school for excessive absences? I don't know what kind of backwardass educational system they have in Washington state, but where I went, if you have even THREE unexcused absences from ONE class, you could fail that class for the year. And I highly doubt Washington state is cloudy EVERY SINGLE DAY.
"AChay" Styles vs Tommy Dreamer
His words, not mine. Who the fuck is announcing that they pronounce J's like CH's? Also, Tommy Dreamer's music sounds oh so much like it's a genericized version of the genericized version of Man in the Box that WWE made. It's an active assault on the ears.
They start with AJ kicking Tommy's leg and him backing off right away. And he's LIMPING! Only for a while, but Jeezus Chrice. The next time AJ attakcs, Tommy just FATS UP and knocks him down. Irish whip has Tommy cling to the ropes, then backb ody drop AJ out of the ring. He then gets on the apron to run... or lope, and roll onto AJ Styles. He then slams AJ's face on the metal barricade thing, and hoists him up for a horrible scoop slam on the mat. It was less a slam and more a picking him up and carefully laying him back down.
When they get back in the ring, AJ chops at Dreamer on the corner, and irish whip but Tommy reverses. AJ was gonna floatover, but Tommy positions himself to catch AJ's flank and drop him. He puts AJ in another corner and chops him. Then he puts him in a Pump Handle Suplex. Pinfail as AJ puts his foot on the rope. Dreamer then gets on AJ and punches him up. He picks up AJ, but AJ hit the counter and thus shoves him away, and kicks Tommy down hard. Tommy lays against the bottom rope and AJ punches him up. Tommy blades, and AJ stomps on him some.
AJ scoop slams Tommy, then sort of taps one of the ropes with his back, and goes to high knee drop on Tommy. AJ punches him down when he grabs at AJ's crotch. He then puts Tommy against the rope to choke him, and yells at the camera "I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!" YAY FOR IT BEING A "PRO WRESTLING" SHOW ON THE MARQUEE, RIC FLAIR!
AJ puts a chinlock on Tommy, but Tommy turns it into a backdrop suplex thing. He tries to pick up AJ, but like the AI on Hard mode in a wrestling game, AJ easily shoves him away, then hits an OMFG PELE~!!121 on Tommy. He then gets onto the apron and springboard superhero things, but TOmmy catches him in a nutslam on his knee, then DDT's him.
SHENANIGANS abound as Ric Flair's FORTUNE arrives, and then EV2.0 arrives to beat on them. SOmehow, Robert Roode and Stevie Ricahrds end up on the apron, and Abyss appears from under the ring to irish whip Dreamer, then Black Hole Slam him. AJ then pins as Abyss flees.
WINNAR: AJ Styles
TNA YAY: Way to recover from the TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING of last week's show and return to mediocrity! Truly a benefit for my sanity.
TNA BOO: Way to recover from the TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION WRESTLING of last week's show and return to mediocrity! Truly a benefit for status quo. Also, most of the matches sucked.
TNA WTF: Regarding ECW: Let sleepin dawgs lie
"Watch my fucking show, or I will kill you and I will find you"
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).