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I feel pretty nifty. So it's the perfect time to start a TNA iMPACT! Level me out and such.
Before I start, I want to start.

Show opens with recap and siren noises of last weeks funner than hayell rumble. Dayum yeah. They ask if it will continue tonight on iMPACT? Uh oh, don't spoil me; if I start seeing big-ass rumbles every week, I'll start sucking as a recapper because I'll love it so much. The title of this episode is "The Future is Now". Philosophically speaking, that is no longer a valid statement, as the time period known as "Now" has passed, and is no longer the future, but the Past, so the title now becomes "The Past was Now", which becomes a FURTHER conundrum when you factor in that the second implication of "Now" is in the past as well, making it more accurately "The Past was Then". In fact, when you factor in all three terms "Past, Present, Future", it may as well seem that "Present" verily does not exist---there can only be the future and the past, both infinite, and the "now" is merely the portion where you are alive and Past and Future meet as one, for a fleeting macronic microbe of a second.

That sort of shit makes me pass out. And I wake up and Christie Hemme is coming out.

Christie Hemme, freshly back from injury vs Sojournor Bolt w/ jobber (non)entrance

It starts with headlocks and hair pulling. Random thought; Christie Hemme has beautiful armpits. I love redheads. They were down on the ground in a submission, but CHristie starts kickinga t Sojo, and fails a pin attempt. At some point beforehand, Mike Tenay said Don West loves stalking---err, talking to the Knockouts.

Now Sojournor kicked Christie and such, and now pulls her up slowly, and irish whips her. Grabs her for a side backbreaker, then tries a pinfall that fails. Lingering shot of Christie's ass as she gets up. Sojournor gets out of the ring and does a slingshot elbow drop from the apron, then slowly pulls Hemme up again to pull her up for a powerbomb, but Hemme reverses into OH SHIT, sloppy as shit back body drop in which Bolt lands on her head.

They then start running at each other with clotheslines and such, then Hemme tries a cross body, but is caught by Bolt, and she puts her into the turnbuckle, to shoulderblock, and then smack her stomach. She climbs onto the turnbuckle then to try a superplex, but is shoved off by Christie, who is looking particularly whoreish tonight. Flying Fire Crotch Guillotine on Sojournor bolt and pinfalls.

WINNAR: Christie Hemme

Dayum, TNA is so much better with their commentary team, and they get to be so filthy with TV14! Bobby Lashley somehow has a new nickname of "The Boss". Boss of what?

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I was wrong about District 9 in that the aliens CAN'T leave---their spaceship has no power to leave atmosphere.

BACKSTAGE now with Taz, who in response to Lauren's oblique question about Samoa Joe losing to Hernandez is "Chuckle chuckle." Saying that aloud, internet style. Taz claims Hernandez didn't beat Joe; Joe beat Joe. Joe beat Joe so hard.

TEH DOUG vs Hernandez

Two matches in the space of 10 minutes? What did I do to deserve this hell? Does this mean it was really Jarrett and Mantell behind the shitty shitty booking style of TNA? I still say no. Oh shit, match! Teh Doug beats up on Hernandez early with punches and kicks, then tries a suplex which is reversed by Hernandez, who holds it for a long time, and several camera angles. Very slowly leans TEH DOUG back, and slams him down. Irish whip then from one turnbuckle to another, picked up for a one-shoulder backbreaker by Hernandez.

Brutal Mange gets on the apron, Hernandez about to kill him, but TEH DOUG attacks him from behind, then starts punching on his face. Picks him up to headlock him a bit, then Hernandez shoves him away. Fans chant "Eff him up!" at someone. TEH DOUG proceeds to eff Hernandez's shit. Knee drop from the inside rope onto Hernandez, then chinlock on him, with some knee strikes to Hernandez's back. Hernandez starts punching at TEH DOUG's stomach. Now TEH DOUG hits a european uppercut, then runs at him and does a knee lift at him from the turnbuckle, then gets on the turnbuckle for a jumping senton and misses.

Whoooaaaoaooooo!!! That back smacking sounded disturbing. Now Hernandez is in control and punches and whips him. Don West spouts brutal win as people chant USA and he says "I'm not gonna say our crowd is the smartest group of people ever showing up, but, I swear I hear them chanting USA, now is that for the Mexican or is that for the Brit?"

Hernandez did something while West was pwning and winning, and then attacks Brutus Magnus, then TEH DOUG gains control, gets on the top rope and Hernandez catches him and pulls him up for a sitout powerbomb win.

WINNAR: Hernandez

Brutus Magnus attacks Hernandez, only for him to shoulder block him, and somehow pull a Mexican flag from nowhere to choke him with. Stare Roid Terry attacks him from behind with the briefcase with a number 4 on it. I forgot which one that was for. Roid says "MY SUITCASE!" on the ramp, and Hernandez chases him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I saw "Twilight". It was adorable, in the sense of "Oh, you sweet little girl, you. You love Twilight, do you? That's so cute. Now please leave--the ADULTS want to watch 'The Deer Hunter'." Rampant stupidity only served to make the movie unintentionally hilarious and funny, in the sense of being so outlandishly comical and retarded, on the level of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" that it becomes a classic for that reason alone. VAMPIRE BASEBALL! And of course, they don't let the COLORED vampire play when he asks to, just because he's supposed to be EVIL and such.

Backstage with Hernandez 'Dark Knight'-ing it up with some random Spanish gruffing.

Earlier interview with Bubby Lashley, and Mike Tenay says Bobby Lashley won some kind of "world championship" in the WWE. He bores me with his whole "training" and "exercising" and "boxing" and "MMA" talk. He's so average, it would be funny, but it's not really. He loves professional wressling (his own pronounciation). Mike Tenay accuses Bobby Lashley of creating the friction between him and the MEM. Technically, yes.

Tenay then asks what would happen if the greatest wrestler ever fights the greatest MMA ever, and who would win. Lashley arrogantly assumes HE is the greatest MMA ever. Did I mention this was boring? I didn't? Okay. This is boring. Now did I mention it?

Video package featuring Brutus Magnus wiggling his head, among showcasing their entire roster.

Just to show she's still employed, they have Daffney backstage with Jay Bee and Stevie Richards. She's wearing a corset to show off her forearm tattoos more clearly. She grins wide as Stevie talks about the bounty on Chris. Good lord, woman, that lipstick makes you look old. She tries to look fierce by scowling and such at the camera, but she looks old. Stevie was talking some shit but ZOMFG Chris Abyss appears right in front of him and smacks Stevie's throat so damn hard, choking him and holding him down. He funnily says he's a worthless BITCH,t hat's why, and it sounds remotely like Scott Steiner's "BITCH" that time he said "SIZE DOES MATTER, BITCH!"

Just to show he's still employed, Jethro Holiday randomly attacks Chris Abyss, obviously for the money.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Jennifer Aniston is a sick fuck who probably enjoys guro hentai and faux-snuff porn.

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with an interview with Tara, and a tarantula crawling on her shoulder, just asking to fall off and ruin the promo. But this isn't live, so maybe it's happened already. FUN FACT!: Tarantulas' bites aren't fatal, but you can get an allergic reaction if you're allergic to them. Tara's whole gimmick is completely dependent upon the fucking tarantula.

Just to remind us he's still employed,

Rhino and Jesse Fail vs Eric Young and Sheik Abdul Jabbar

Jesse starts off with Eric Young, and gets huge cheers for a SHOULDER BLOCK! Eric Young trips him up and gets a headlock, which is reversed into an armlock. I guess Rhino tagged in, because he gets in when Young is on the ropes, and now it's Rhino vs Young, and Rhino spears Young in the gut as he clings against the turnbuckle. Jesse Neal back in with a headlock on Young, and ANOTHER SHOULDERBLOCK! Eric Young gets up and SHOULDER BLOCKS! Picks him up, throws him into the turnbuckle, and SHeiky gets int o kick on him. I guess he tagged in too, but I didn't see anything.

Sheiky starts beating up on Jesse Fail, including a dropkick to his back. Eric Young gets tagged in to beat on Jesse Fail. Irish whip, and a clothesline on him. Pinfail. They pimp the STEEL ASYLUM this sunday at Hard Justice, featuring an upfuckery of X Division guys without storylines to go into.

Jesse Fail manages to flip over Sheiky, but Eric Young swiftly jumps in and smashes the pin attempt on him, and is suddenly the legal man for some reason. Eric Young pins but fails. Good God, this guy makes John Cena look mildly entertaining. This guy meaning Jesse Neal. All he's done so far is a headlock and shoulder blocks. Young picks up Neal and scoop slams, then a running elbow dorp. Eric Young gets up to jump on Neal from the turnbuckle, but he lifts a foot and hits Young, who proceeds to sell the move like a cartoonish piece of shit. Jesse proceeds to fail again, by instead of hot-tagging Rhino, he rushes at Sheiky, then gets rolled up from behind at Young.

WINNAR: Eric Young and Sheiky Jabbar

Rhino has the best look on his face ever. He's staring into the ring, arms out, mouth open, utterly shocked at the mass of hairy fail known as Jesse Neal. In the ring afterwards, everyone seems to be telling Rhino to attack or gore him. I can't really hear. They argue, then Rhino slaps him, and gores him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: People like Quentin Tarantino threaten to make me a Nazi sympathizer.

BACKSTAGE now with Lauren and Rhino. Lauren whines and bitches and tries to excuse Jesse Fail, whereas Rhino is SERIOUS BUSINESS, MOTHERFUCKER! Rhino is VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS on Jesse Neal. Makes some great points while screaming. He then states he will become deceased in a wrestling ring.

ODB vs Awesome Kong vs Angelina Love vs Tara

Angelina Love's ass looks dirty, while Velvet Sky's ass looks succulent. Someone has the "Obvious Noun is Obvious" sign that says "Tara is a Knockout". As opposed to being a heavyweight. Match starts and it's all four of them in a four way match. Tara and some blonde dominate. Oh, ODB. Now Awesome Kong kicking on Tara, and showing everyone her massive red panties. ODB catches Angelina for a Fallaway slam. Tara and Kong trade places twice, and ODB then attacks Kong, and then Tara and ODB attack Kong.

Irish whip on Kong, who clotheslines both of them. Kong tries to jump on them two, but they pull the top rope and she goes out, with her red panties and all. ODB drinks liquor, gives some to Tara, who drinks, then takes off her shirt, but she's wearing a top underneath. ODB jumps on Kong and Raisha and TEH DEANER, and just to show they're retarded, Tara jumps on all the Beautiful People while they laugh at the others. Then commercials, sweet and juicy.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm just not convinced you're cute enough for that.

Now back with Awesome Kong missing a running butt slam on Tara, and she drags her outside so Angelina and ODB can fight, but the camera also focuses on the brunettes! The blondes fight inside, and a bicycle kick on ODB which is called a Botox Injection. Awesome Kong ends up inside after Angelina pinfails, and now she fights ODB. Awesome Kong scoopslams ODB, then leg dorps her. Pinfail. Shot of ODB's camoflauge panties. Chokeslam by Kong on ODB, and TEH DEANER pops up on the apron, obviously not happy with how his girl, ODB, is being manhandled by Kong. Everything I just said from "pops up" was word-for-word what Mike Tenay said.

Then TEH DEANER threatens to punch her, and when Kong gets close, he hesitates, then kisses her just like he did last week. This guy must have like a bunch of diseases by now. She grabs him and drops him onto the ring mat, then puts him into an Batista Bomb. Tara randomly appears for a cheapass roll-up victory.

WINNAR: One-note gimmick girl

BACKSTAGE NOW with AJ Stylesz and Stinggggg. The look on Sting's face throws back to his originally intended reason for the MEM. I sure hope they play off this. Sting mumbles something incoherently, then AJ confirms what he said, without even bothering to repeat it. AJ --- I completely forgot what he just said even though I was listening. Didn't that happen to me last week? I feel like it did.

The exact same music video package thing from last week airs, just as long.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: HAHAHA, when I try to back up the video to skip ahead of the video, I make Brother Ray dance and shake his blubber.

Tool Borast is out backstage, where Team 3D arrives, and Buh Buh does the little movement thing that looked like dancing. Brother Devon believes Team 3Dicles is the best tag team ever. Buh Buh says Harlem Heat and the Steiner Brothers were great tag teams. Then he says Team 3D is a great tag team because the audience says so. Holy fucking shit, he just basically repeated the same thing Devon said, only shorter, then claimed that they're only great because the fans say so. The fans loved Mikey Whipwreck, too, that doesn't make him a great champion.

Scottle Steinerr vs Brother Ray Deadly

For absolutely no reason, they're going to have a "Point-Counter Point" according to Mike Tenay. Scott Steiner dribbles the exact same thing both the Dudleys said in their pre-taped promo. Mushmouth claims they're better than the Deadlys, and they'll walk out of Hard Justice as "tag team champees". Brother Ray Deadly says Harlem Heat is a household name, the Steiner Brothers are a household name, garbage is a household name, and like garbage, they're getting old and they stink. Don West shoots with the rest of us by claiming "Well isn't THAT the pot calling the kettle black"

Match starts with some stuff, then Scott Steiner shocks me by doing a German suplex on Bruther Ray. Punchies on him, chops on him. Irish whips, then Brother Ray kicks him in the face on the turnbuckle, then some punchies on Steiner. I just noticed the white men are wrestling while the black boys must stay outside and watch. Brother Ray splashes Steiner on the turnbuckle, then tries a scoop slam but Steiner escapes, but Brother Ray catches him in a Buh Buh Bomb.

Then he does a jumping splash, and Booker hilariously seems to fall into the ring. Devon hops in to beat up Booker T out of the ring, while Buh Buh catches Steiner again with a scoop slam and pulls him up for a wuszup. Apparently this match is now No Disqualification as well. Why in the fuck don't they tell us this shit beforehand? Brother Ray puts on Steiner's chainmail thing, and Don West wonders if he looks like the [Viking] guys from the credit card commercials (what's in your fucking wallet?) or someone from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

They get tables, and now the Britons randomly run down to distract Team 3D so Booker T and Steiner can killshit the Brother boys. They double chokeslam Buh Buh through the table, and pinfalls.

WINNAR: Scott Steiner

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I hate TNA

BACK and Kevin Nash and Mick Foley are in the ring to sign a contract for the TNA Leges match at Hard Justice. People are chanting something I can't even hear properly. They both sign separate contracts, faggot ass Tenay says something along the lines of "signed, sealed, delivered". Asshole. I hate him. Mick Foley gets on the microphone and says he's never had a conversation with Nash that didn't revolve around money. He claims his kids are in the iMPACT Zone now.

He then hits more goldmine of awesome promo by questioning Kevin as to whether it's REALLY about the money, or if his winning the title meant something more. Kevin Nash counters this in great sleazy manner that an autograph session with the title could have got him $20,000, and Foley cost him that much. He mocks the audience being able to count, being as they're chanting something that I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR OR UNDERSTAND.

They make some joke involving Wizards and a comic convention, but I could barely understand them. Foley says he would do his job in TNA for free. That's insulting to the Sonjay Dutts of the world who could still be prematurely balding in the TNA ring right about now. Kevin starts arbitrarily undressing, and showing a disgusting-looking old man chest that is muscled, and covered in hair that makes it look like he's permanently streaked in dirt. He says he's an athlete and a businessman and Mick Foley is a pathetic wrestler. Pot and kettle.

Mick Foley talks about his style of wrestling, apparently taking it as a compliment that Kevin Nash said he was a "pathetic WRESTLER". Mick Foley notes this is a wrestling show, with a contract signing, and wrestlers involved, and Kevin Nash was just gonna leave. Nash says he ain't getting paid extra for playing with the table, so Foley maintains tradition by running against the ropes and throwing himself through the table.

Oh my, everyone. Please, bow your heads; the Pope is coming to TNA soon, complete with a busty blonde with hard nipples through a silk dress, and a white car.

Backstage bullshit with Matt Morgan talking about pressure, sideshow midgets named AJ Styles (as opposed to sideshow freaks nearly 7 feet tall named Matt Morgan). I highly doubt an average sized man would be a sideshow freak compared to a 7 footer. Idiot.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Tonight, 8pm, Friday on FX, the day after this broadcast of iMPACT!, they are airing Walk the Line immediately after Ray. I did not realize when one started and the other began. Hollywood formula makes even their real lives look exactly the same. I want to see a biopic about a famous musician who grew up rich as hell in a perfect fucking family, just because for once it would be a fucking CHANGE OF PACE.

AJ Styles is.

AK Styles vs Matthew Morganite

AJ immediately knocks Morgan off the apron, then jumps out the ring in a flippy-move that knocks Morgan down, yet causes AJ to land on his feet. Brawling on the outside. I suppose this is a no disqualification match randomly, too? Oh, they get in the ring and ring the bell to start the match. I'm bored already. I blame Matt Morgan. Faggot. That promo he did still rings in my mind of his retardation. By the way, Sting and Kurt Angle are at ringside, looking all like mentors and stuff to their younger men representatives. That's fucking bullshit, though, for AJ Styles, I mean. Fucker's been in TNA from the start, why should Sting be like a mentor in TNA? But that's just my fruity logic in a fruit cup, full of vitamins and minerals.

Angle points at AJ while he's shoulderblocking and chopping Matt Morgan. Morgan clubs AJ's back. Whips AJ into the turnbuckle, then stomps over to him slowly. He seems to be about to try a top rope thing, but AJ catches him for a tornado DDT, but Morgan shoves him and lands AJ on the Apron. AJ tries a jumping move but Morgan ducks, but AJ dorpkicks. Now AJ in control, doing some stuff and junk, then putting him on the turnbuckle and Morganite hits a BOOT to his face.

Morganite takes control and does his usual roster of moves, including that Create-a-Finisher-iffic Sidedrop thing. AJ rolls out of the ring, and Sting picks him up to help him in. Morgan puts his boot to AJ's throat, then chokes him on the top rope, then does his running inner-thigh-to-the-head move, then pins but fails. Picks him up for a Fallaway slam that looked almost sloppy. Pinfail.

AJ somehow gains control somewhere, and starts punching on him, then hits an enzuigiri, but Morganite gets up first. AJ on the apron for a missile dorpkick and pinfail. AJ punching on him now, but Morganite gets a sideslam on him and pinfails. Morgna acts like his leg is hurting. MY leg is hurting, too. AJ shoves at the turnbuckle as Morganite climbs to the top rope. AJ smacks him, then climbs up for some punching, then an attempt at something, but gets headbutted. Morganite grabs Aj's neck, but he hits an OMFG PELE OUT OF NOWHERE, and pinfails.

AJ on the apron again and fa

ils his Superhero thing, and gets hit by a Carbon Footprint for the pin. Color me surprised, but he ain't coming close to winning the TNA championship Sunday. WINNAR: Matthias Morgan

The entire MEM arrives while Sting drags AJ out of the ring area.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Megan Fox always looks like a completely different person in most of her photoshoots. The only way to really tell that it's her is the TOE THUMBS!

Backles with Angle and company still int he ring, with ANgle putting over Morganite and congratulations and such, and saying he knew the MEM would recruit Morganite. Morgan gives implication of heel/face turn by annoyedly saying he thought he was trying to prove himself to them.

One last favor and Matt is in the Mafia. Fifty bucks says it's to throw the match on Sunday. Morgan is angry. I was right and I win fifty bucks. Morgan reaches tweener status by yelling at Angle and shooting him down. He wants to lose legitimately!

That's pretty much it.

UPS!: I wasn't really paying attention to the matches, so I'll just list who I think is sexy. Robert Roode, James Storm, Christie Hemme, Velvet Sky, Daffney.

DOWNS!: Well, the wrestling was probably good and all, but I was certainly bored by the Steiner vs Dudley, TEH DOUG vs Hernandez, and Jesse Fail being a failure. The main event was decent enough, and while I'm pretty sure Christie Hemme barely did any real wrestling, it was fun looking at her doing stuff.

STUFFS!: MORE MATCHES! WHY? What's going on that's causing them to book things like... different, and arguably better?

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).