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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(08/05/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

TNA WHOLE F'N SPECIAL

That's right. I have my work cut out for me tonight. And before I can be a fuckwit and be annoying:

Kurt Angle vs AJ Styles

AJ starts by ambushing Kart and stomping on him, then tossing him out of the ring, where I notice now THE RAMP IS GONE! THEY TOOK OFF THE FUCKING RAMP! NO MORE WCW RAMP. He punches him up some, then slams Kurt's head on the apron and slides into the ring, only to slide out the other end, and go back to Kurt but GETS STUCK in a Belly to belly suplay. Kurt rolls AJ back into the ring, and gets at him but AJ beats on him, and gets bounced off the ropes and Tilt-a-whirl back breakered by Kurt.

AJ crawls along the rope, and Kurt picks him up but AJ smacks him, and throws him into the turnbuckle shoulder-first, and he falls out of the ring. Aj then springboard crossbody's onto Kurt. AJ throws Kurt into the ring and hoists him up, but Kurt starts punching him up, and bounces off the ropes, AJ does his jumpy thing jumping over him, but Angle stops short and catches AJ in a German Suplex, but AJ flips out, more running and jumping over him, and dropkicks Angle as he runs at him. Pose for major momentum boost. Pin gets 2.

Now AJ puts him in a chinlock. While I wait, I shall remark AJ has a tattoo on his side that says AJ. Angle chucks AJ to his back and tries to hold his leg but gets kicked off. Angle nevertheless in control as AJ gets up and gets slammed down. Also, AJ's tattoo has some numbers on it below the AJ. Angle clotheslines AJ a bit, then catches AJ in the corner and belly to belly suplexes. Pin gets 2. AJ gets up quick to punch, but Kurt dips, and German suplexes him. Once, then holds on and hits it again. The audience annoyingly goes "uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhUhhhAAAAAAAAHHH!" all building up and such as he suplexes. Kurt tries to get AJ's leg again but AJ shoves him off, then charges at Angle, but gets back body lifted onto the apron.

AJ springboards from the apron onto Angle, and pin gets 2. CLOSE 2count, though. AJ now puts Styles Clash position but Angle back body drops, then stalks, measures, and tries an Olympic Slam but AJ dodges, and OMFG PELE~!1111!! pin gets 2. AJ gets onto the top rope but Angle rushes at the turnbuckle, causing AJ to land on his feet, and Angle moonsaults onto a standing AJ. Now Kurt again at AJ's leg, for the THIRD TIME, TAZ, YOU FUCK. AJ rolls forward and chucks Angle into the turnbuckle, smushing his nose against the padding.

AJ tries a springboard on the apron but gets shoved down by Kart, who then tries to Suplex him into the ring but AJ hops over onto the other rope side and flips back and DDT's Kurt Angle down. OBLIGATORY SURGICALLY REPAIRED NECK REFERENCE! Pin gets 2. It was literally a 3 count, except Kurt kicked out that close. Angle attacks from behind and Olympic Slams but pin gets 2. Kurt going for a German Suplex, and OMFG SHENANIGANS APPEAR TO BE ABOUND AS THE REFEREE LOOKS AWAY AND AJ TRIES TO NUTKICK ANGLE BUT ANGLE CATCHES THAT SHIT and puts in an Ankle Lock and the referee turns and watches as AJ tap tap taps out. He was not for real enough.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: A spiffy date in a hotel room that involves bopping a woman's head on the bedpost and knocking over a table sounds like one hell of a sexy date for some people. Fuck you, website.

Something's wrong with this TNA tonight. We have ANOTHER match. You'd almost think this sort of pay per view quality event was announced beforehand. But hey, this is TNA, where even match stipulations aren't even announced until mid-way through the match.

TNA Knockouts Championship Angelina Love vs Madison Rayne (C)

The Taz wants to be a second rope, so that Madison can crawl into him. I was thinking of a sick joke involving The Taz being grounded up into fibers and processed into a rope, but then decided he could just donate his small intestines for that duty. Madison clings to the referee as much as possible, then ambushes Angelina as she tries to get at her, and beats on her. Angelina ends up punching and elbowing her, but then gets irish whipped. Madison runs into Angelina's boot, but doesn't fall for that shit again as she grabs Angelina's legs and drops her ass to the mat.

She then grasps her head and slams it on the mat. FINALLY THE TAZ MENTIONS HOW MADISON RAYNE USED TO BE LIKE "SUBSERVIENT" IN THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! SHE WAS THEIR FUCKING LESBIAN SEX SLAVE! Madison now beats up on Angelina some, then wraps her legs around Angelina's head, spins around, and thrusts into the mat, slamming Angelina's head into it. Pin gets 2. Pin gets 2. She tries to pick up Angelina after yelling at the referee, but gets jawbreakered by Angelina. She then repeatedly knocks Madison down with her hair, bounces off the rope and clotheslines her.

She then waits in the corner and runs and bicycle kicks Madison. Speaking of bicycles, here be the MoTARAcyclist woman, wandering to the ringside to stare at the referee as he's all like GET OUTTA HERE, and Velvet Sky smacks the motercyclist from behind with a steel chair. She then grabs the helmet, but in the ring Madison Rayne kills Angelina. Pin gets 2, while the helmet is off the woman, who is wearing a ski mask.

She then escapes, and The Taz says it's definitely a woman. As opposed to a transexual, I guess. Meanwhile in the ring, out of nowhere, Angelina pinwins.

WINNAR + NEW KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION: Angelina Love

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I think Germans only love David Hasselhoff ironically.

Mister Anderson vs Matt Morgan w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Pope D'Angelo Dinero w/ Jobber non-entrance

Kennedy and Burke attack Morgan first, and double team him up and such. They back him into a corner and start punching, and then Pope punches him up. Anderson hoists his leg up onto the rope, then runs and dropkicks it. Morgan bounces off into an STO or something. His pin gets 2 as Kennedy pulls him off and pins, and they repeat again and again some four or six times. They stare down only for Morgan to grab them both for a double chokeslam, but they kick him away, and Pope bounces off the ropes to attack him and he double clotheslines them both.

Morgan then puts the BLACK MAN against the rope and runs to boot him, but gets crotched on the rope, and Kennedy kicks the rope up at him. His Holy Darkness then shoves Kennedy away and springboard dropkicks Morgan off the rope and out of the ring. Ken and the BLACK MAN start fighting now, while Morgan quietly sits on the outside and watches. Anderson tries a DVD but Pope slides out cos he's so slippery from fried chicken grease and knocks him away. He drops his kneepads to try to Codebreaker him, but Anderson shoves him off, only to drop Pope with a Mic Check, and then get shoved away by Matt Morgan who pinwins Pope.

WINNAR: Matt Morgan

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I BRING TIDINGS OF DOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Jeff Hardy vs Shannon Moore

LOL CONTINUITY NOD! Shannon Moops and the Harveys are all friends and such. He gets on the microphone talking about how after it's done, they'll still be brothers and such. They lock up then bounce away. Lock up again, and Shannon arm wrenches, and then Jeff twists around to arm wrench, and Shannon bounces around, and arm wrenches, then headlocks him. Bouncing back on the ropes, Shannon bounces off and knocks Jeff down. He then goes bck to running and gets armdragged by Hardy. Then he aarmdrags Hardy and such. They stand off all and such, then lock up again and push Hardy into the turnbuckle. Shoulderblocks, then kicks on Hardy's guts, and irish whip into the other corner, and Hardy floatovers, and hiptosses Shannon Moore, but he gets up and gets caught and enzuigiri'd rather htan doing his Dragon Screw.

Some fast shit I missed sees Shannon move faster than Hardy and knock his ass out of the ring. He then runs back and springboard flips onto Hardy. He then tosses Hardy in, and gets onto the top rope and moonsaults onto Hardy. Pin gets 2. Shannon picks Hardy up and goes for a weird-looking suplex and pin gets 2. Chinlock on Hardy but since etcetera, Hardy gets up easily and bumps Hardy away. Irish whip Shannon into the corner and Hardy runs at him to be lifted onto the apron, and Shannon bumps him, then flips over him to try to Sunset Flip him out of the ring, but Hardy clings to the rope, so he gives up, drops off, and trips Hardy onto the apron.

Shannon then runs at Jeff, and Jeff catches him to handstand on the apron, then Shannon does a hurricanrana on Hardy. He picks him up and throws him into the ring and pin gets 2. Shannon then chinlocks on Hardy, which ends quickly and Shannon's irish whip gets reversed and into a clothesline by Hardy. Hardy then ends up whipped into a corner but he boots Shannon and hits Whisper in the Wind and pin gets 2. As they both recover, Hardy hits a Twist of Fate on him, then gets to the top rope and hits a Kenton Bomb, but Moore raises his knees and such which means it's a counter, and pins Hardy but pin gets 2.

Hardy now propped on the top turnbuckle and Shannon punches him some. He then stands on the top rope and tries a top rope hurricanrana but Hardy stays put, then hits a Kenton Bomb and pin gets win.

WINNAR: Jeff Hardy

JEEzuz CHRICE. That was probably the low match of the night, but there's more stuff to come and I'm exhausted. And we're not even halfway through.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Wolverines!

Match 5 of 5 2 out of 3 Falls
Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns

My butt hurts. So this match, which should be in the main event, has James Storm and Chris Sabin starts, and Storm pops him in tha eye, then arm wrenches, but Sabin flips about, and gets slammed back down by Storm. He then flips right into a headlock, but throws Storm at the ropes and gets shoulderblocked down. They run back and forth with Storm jumping over him and such but Sabin catches him up and trashes him. James Storm catches Sabin's leg, and Sabin makes like he's gonna Enzuigiri, but Storm keeps him down, and slowly just drop shis leg back down rather than risk it. They both then tag out.

Robert Roode and Alex Shelley start out and lock up with Roode shoving Shelley into the turnbuckle, then punch him, then Shelley chops at Roode. Roode grabs Shelley's back but Shelley grabs the ropes and knocks him back and Roode rolls back, and Shelley runs at him and shoulderblocks him down. He then elbowdrops on Roode, and grabs Roode's leg when he tries to kick, and drops him. He then runs and tilt-a-whirl headscissor's Robert Roode down. He then chops Roode as he rises, so Roode MONEYS UP and tilt-a-whirl backbreakers him as he runs at him. Pin gets 2. Shelley reaches out to Sabin, but Rodoe hoists him up, only for Shelley to land behind him, only for Roode to scoot around behind him, but Shelley tags in Sabin as Roode drags him back and rolls over to be on top of him in a sexual position.

Sabin then runs across the ropes and slams Roode's head down. Storm then runs in to get double teamed by the Motor City gun doods, and they then double team on Robert Roode some. Sabin pins gets 2. Roode grabs Sabin and knocks him with his knee, then drags him over to tag in James Storm, who punches him up and such, only for Sabin to punch him back. At this point, I found a random "him." just under that sentence, and started to realize... I may have accidentally broken it off an above sentence at some point. Someone get on that.

James Storm gets irish whipped but reverses and Roode trips up Sabin, and turns him around so Storm can run out and beat him up on the apron. James Storm rolls Sabin in and Roode tags in Storm so they can do some lame double team move, and Storm stomping on Sabin. Now he put him at the turnbuckle to punch him up, and tag in Robert Roode. They do a double team thing where Roode scoop slams Sabin, then Storm elbowdrops, then Roode kneedrops. Shelley then comes in, pulls Roode's head up, and does this:

He then goes back onto the apron to get Sabin to tag in. Sabin starts to fight back at Roode, and irish whip gets reversed, he floats over, and fails to tag in Shelley. Sabin gets his leg caught by Roode, spin around, and enzuigiri's him, and Roode Ric Flair dives, kind of. Sabin tags in Shelley, and Roode runs at him only to be caught in like a Rock Bottom, but he drops his head onto the turnbuckle. Storm then runs at him and he does a Bulldog and Clothesline on them both. Pin gets 2, but now the Beer Moneys dominating on him, but Shelley catches Storm with a forearm shot, and grabs them both. Shelley DDT's Roode while Sabin dropkicks Storm over Shelley's body.

Storm gets put on the apron laying on it as Shelley stomps on him out of the ring. Roode gets up and boots Sabin in the face, then goes to attack Shelley on the apron, but he bops him, flips over, and provides a stand as Sabin runs and dropkicks Roode out of the ring. Shelley then suicide dives into Roode and Sabin runs at the turnbuckle, and springboard crossbodies onto James Storm. Now Roode rolled back in, Sabin on the apron, Storm tries to cut him off, but catches Sabin and DDT's him onto the apron. Shellith gets to the turnbuckle but Roode grabs him, only to be shoved off, so Shelley tries his double foot stomp and Roode moves out of the way.

Roode hits a stomachbreaker and Storm runs in to Backcracker him. They then DWI and pinwin.

WIN1: Beer Money

Roode goes to pin Shelley, but in true SvR09 fashion, Shelley has a boost of energy to kick out easy but not enough to make a comeback. Storm sets Shelley on the turnbuckle, then tags in Roode, and they double suplex him. Beer Money taunt for momentum special, but OH NOESZ Chris Sabin on the top rope double dropkicks them both. Storm saves his special for a Signature move, and gets tossed out of the ring. Roode gets double kicked by the Gunnaz, and Sabin holds Roode while Shelley crossbodies on him and pinwins.

WIN2: Motor City Machine Guns Sabin tries to attack Roode on the outside but he catches his leg and trips him up. Storm then runs at Roode, and Roode hoists him up over the ropes so he can splash onto Sabin. Shelley then runs at Roode, but dives past him and suicide dives on Storm. Roode then decides to bounce off the ropes, and springboard dive onto everyone.

COMMERCIAL TIEM~!

When we return, Robert Roode does a big-ass clothesline on Chris Sabin that flips him over, and Shelley goes to forearm him, only to be caught in a double-team Rock Bottom-type move by Roode. Pin gets 2. Shelley gets put in a corner and kicked on by Roode, who then tags in Storm and they double irish whip him, and run and clothesline Shelley one after another. Storm then hoists Shelley onto the turnbuckle and punches him, then sets up his legs, and climbs to the top himself. He then falls and gets knocked down into a Tree of Woe by Shelley, who then hops off and doublestomps on Storm's face.

Shelley tags in Sabin and Storm tags in Roode and Sabin flies around and knocks Roode down a bunch. Then he irish whips but gets reversed into the corner, but he kicks Roode away, and gets on the rope to hurricanrana Roode, then kick Storm away. He then goes to the apron and springboard DDTs on Roode for a PIN gets 2. Now they lockup, but Roode sort of lets go, and tags in Storm. Double team fails as Sabin floats over Storm, kicks Roode away, then kicks him TWICE, while floating around with Storm, and Shelley gets in to double team on Storm. PIN gets 2.

They then start trading kicks on Storm, but Storm superkicks Sabin away, and Roode comes in to spinebuster Sabin, then catapult him into Storm's DDT. Shelley tries to Sliced Bread, but Storm comes and catches Shelley's legs, so they both drop him. Now double team move by Beer Money on Sabin, but Sabin fights out, and Storm goes to superkick him but Sabin moves out of the way and Storm ends up superkicking Roode, who keels over and Shelley superkicks him. Chris Sabin holds him again in that same move they did for win2, and Sabin pins gets 2. Shelley then on the top turnbuckle yelling at Sabin. Sabin hoists Roode up, and goes to repeat the move they just did, and Shelley crossbodies, then holds onto Storm and Sabin pins gets WIN.

WIN3: Motor City Machine Guns

WINNAR + STILL TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Motor City Machine Guns

Fireworks and stuff go off over the ring. No backstage stuff, commercial break, then next match.

TNA World Championship
Rob Van Dam (C) vs Abyss w/ Eric Bischoff referee

As soon as the match starts, Abyss is climbing up the ladder trying to get Janice, and Rob Van Dam runs down the ramp, gets to the top rope, and dropkicks the ladder away. Abyss falls, and crawls up into the turnbuckle, so Rob Van Dam lunges on him to punch him up some times. Abyss shoves him away, so Rob Van Dam knocks his ass away with a rolling kick. Rob Van Dam grabs the ladder, and drives it into Abyss's guts. He then rears back to do it again. He grabs at Abyss in the corner again, and bulldogs him into the ladder. He then Rolling Thunders him, but Abyss moves away so Rob Van Dam hits the ladder.

Commercials hit just as Rob Van Dam baseball slides the ladder into Abyss outside the ring. When we return, Abyss has the ladder set up on the apron and metal guardrail, and grabs Rob Van Dam on the apron to chokeslam him, but Rob Van Dam knocks him away, but then gets clotheslined into the ring. Rob Van crawls onto the turnbuckle and Abyss slams the ladder into RVD's guts. He then picks it up again and does it again. We get CAMERASHOT to ATTENTIONWHORE Dixie Carter, standing behind Terry Taylor. I know my wrestling knowledge is NEWB when it comes to the 80s and before, but that Terry Taylor guy looks vaguely like Richard Hatch, who in turn looks vaguely like Eric Bischoff, who looks vaguely like Larry Zybyzko. Conspiracyt!!

In the ring, Rob Van Dam holds the ladder with Abyss, but rams it into Abyss in the corner, then climbs up it to kick his face, and he keels over onto the ladder, so Rob Van Dam moonsaults onto him. He leans the ladder on the rope, and does his rolling Monkey flip thingy on Abyss but Abyss is strong and such and catches Rob Van and slams him down in a Powerbomb. Abyss sets up the ladder and climbs, but then Rob Van Dam recovers and bounces onto the ladder, bopping on Abyss, but Abyss catches him and chokeslams him off. Abyss, however, is fat, so therefore he falls off the ladder, ending up with it kicked away.

Outside the ring, Abyss grabs a black bag or so. It contains thumbtacks, because this is a WHOLE F'N SPECIAL, and broken glass is not that dangerous. Oh wait, he has a bag of glass, too, and pours it in with the thumbtacks. He grabs Rob Van Dam by the hair and stands on the pointy mess himself, then hoists Rob Van Dam on the turnbuckle, and climbs up himself to Superplex, but Rob Van Dam blatantly fights back, and sunset flips Abyss into the pile, BUT only his butt hit the stuff. Still hurts, though---my own butt hurts just from plopping onto a hard chair.

Rob Van Dam gets up and runs at Abyss but he boots him away. Abyss then gets out of the ring, no-selling the tacks and glass, and pulls out the board with barbed-wire stapled to it or something. He apparently gave up on Janice? He props the board on the corner, and Rob Van tries to irish whip Abyss in, but he reverses it, and Abyss tries to slam into him, but Rob Van moves away and Abyss runs into it, and it's stuck to his hair. So Rob Van Dam kicks it down onto him. Then he does a Rolling Thunder onto the board on Abyss.

Rob Van Dam props up the ladder to climb, while Abyss slowly gets up, all bloody and such. Rob Van Dam has his hands on Janice, but Abyss shoves the ladder away, and BOTCHAMANIA! Sick fucking fall---the sort of thing that real people make, as Rob Van Dam's feet got stuck on the top rope, and he fucking plummets front-first to the mat, while smacking the ladder with his head. OWEN VOICES by the commentators, while Abyss retrieves Janice, stopping that shit up. Rob Van Dam struggling against the metal guardrail, and Abyss rolls him into the ring.

Abyss set Rob Van Dam in the corner and tries to hit him with Janice, but he moves, and Janice gets "stuck" in the turnbuckle. This gives Rob Van Dam enough tim eot look under the ring, find nothing, and snatch a steel chair to come in and hit Abyss in the back with it, whereupon Janice falls awayt easily. Rob Van Dam then puts the barbed wire board up against Abyss sitting in a corner, and he gets to the turnbuckle next to Abyss's, and grabs the steel chair and jumping dropkicks the chair into the board into Abyss's mask into his face. Barbed wire gets stuck to Abyss's mask.

Rob Van Dam hits a Five Star Frog Splash onto him, and we remember Eric Bischoff is here as he counts a pin gets 3 for Rob Van Dam.

WINNAR + STILL TNA WORLD CHAMPION: Rob Van Dam

Since there's so much time still left, we return to TNA ANTICS with stuff and junk. Rob Van Dam meanwhile climbed up the ladder with his championship belt to pose and stuff, and now Hulk Hogan comes out for his OMG SPECZHIAL ANNOUNCEMENT! First, commercials.

When we return, Hulk Hogan's all like I THINK EVERYBODY IN TNA WORLD KNOWS WHY THIS GUY IS OUR LEADER! Hogan say he's been around the block a couple times, like a cheap whore, and Rob Van Dam is a hood ornament for this company taking it to the top. And when Hulk Hogan saw their champ in the ring against Sabu, who SHOCKINGLY barely botched at all in that match, it made him realize Rob Van Dam has all the bases covered and it's why this is the number 1 company in theSNORTSNORTLAUGH wrestling business today.

Hogan says HARDGORE JUSTICE raised the bar and such and thanks ATTENTIONWHOREDixie Carter for taking them things they never been before and such. When he saw stuff at HARDENED JUSTICE and such and saw the whole Motley Cre show him how things is done, he saw the stuff and junk to take TNA to the next level. So Dixie Carter invited the ECW GUISE tonight so they could whore out another paycheck for doing nothing, and he invites them out to the ring. Out comes Tommy Dreamer in a suit, Stevie Richards dressed like white trash, Mick Foley, Team 3D, Rhino, FONZIE and Sabu, some guy in white shorts I don't recognize, and Little Guido.

More talking about Hulk Hogan as he basically regurgitates whathe's been saying for the past eight months, about the whole taking TNA to the next level and such. And he say he have nothing but respect for each and every one of them. Tommy Dreamer then gets on the mic and says the ECW guise raised the bar, then shits on everyone except the Murder guns and Beer Money and Rob Van Dam and Abyss saying THEY raised the bar (the RVD, Abyss, MCMG and BM). Tommy Dreamer again all like we fought one last time together and such and raise the bar and family and love and show and etcetera.

Lights go out, and Mick Foley is laid out somehow. FORTUNE has arrived and killshits the ECW Guise. Raven now runs out, only to be immediately bashed in the head with James Storm's beer bottle. Matt Morgan is choking Sabu with a chain all like "MAI COMPANY!" and the Sandman appears and poses, so that some guy who I thought was AJ Styles to ambush and beat him up.

Now ABYSS shows up and pulls Rob Van Dam out of the ring to beat up on him. YAY FOR CONTINUITY! Seriously. Ric Flair then appears all smiling and such. Video split and backstage Rob Van Dam fell in a vat of fruit punch or strawberry jam, cos he's all covered in red. But then it shows Abyss all like RRRUUUUH AAAH RRURUUUGHAAAH! and it's all like implied that he shredded the shit out of Rob Van Dam with Janice. Ric Flair then tries to attack ATTENTIONWHORE Dixie Carter all like "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

TNA YAY: You really need me to point it out? Go fuck yourself

TNA BOO: The three-way match between Matt Morgan, the Pope, and the other guy. Also, Hardy vs Moore was boring

TNA WTF: TNA, you re-ignite my passion for wrestling with those last two matches, only so I can have it smashed again next week when you return to mediocrity.

This one was sent to me, but not in regards to my recap. I think it was addressed to me personally, but I decided it was worth using:

"Watch my fucking show, or I will kill you and I will find you"

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).