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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(08/06/09)
by ANDARIEL HALO

While I prep up my sweet sweet machine for the viewing of an HD boardcast, I want to say something. Something. Thank you.

Also, I should say I've had a very deliciously atrocious day yesterday (THANKS, NONEXISTENT TNA iMPACT BROADCAST THAT OCCURRED MANY HOURS AFTER THE EVENTS) tantamount to facing a world of shit in the form of American conservatives.

To take directly from Jon Stewart's joke, Oh conservatives. Does the sun never shine during a democratic administration? If there are babies laughing, do you only hear the sound of kittens drowning? "Hey, FOX news, you just won the lottery!" "Oh great, now I have to buy a wallet."

Being as I'm the resident Me-Troll on Yahoo Answers, some bright incident of stupid caused me to meander off to the Politics section of Yahoo Answers. If you've never been there, this describes it: 70% of the people there are the exact stereotype of the idiot, belligerant, raving, ranting conservative who believe Barack Obama is literally trying to become the next Hitler.

All but three or four of the 20 recent questions on the Politics page consisted of around the likes of "OBAMA IS THE ANTICHRIST" and "AMERICA IS DOOMED" and "IF I SHAVE MY ARMPITS, WILL I BE MORE AERODYNAMIC?" and other crazy, nutcase conspiracy things. Logical, serious, reasonable answers are mass-voted down as unhelpful, and flatout lies and bullshit and conservative ravings are giving just as many voted-up as helpfuls.

I even had a moment of BREAKING KAYFABE by posting an admittedly lame rant/diatribe/question asking why? Why all this bullshit, why the lies, why the insanity, why?

Some of the more "helpful" answers include:

Retard with the Obama Ledger Joker picture: Take a deep breath and repeat after me; 0bama is trying to turn our country into a new Nazi Germany.

Retard with the date Obama takes his Second Inauguration: You fail. Obama is the worst President ever!

Retard catgirl with smelly feet: After listening to the rambles of liberals suffering from "Bush Derangement Syndrome" for 8 years, I don't feel the need to read this rant.....

Believe me when I say these are some of the LEAST insane and offensive anti-Obama related answers. Others regularly involve "magical negro", calling him an out and out racist, and basically holding HIM responsible for the economic recession, as well as claiming that Bush's term was one of PROSPERITY and EMPLOYMENT.

My point; some people aren't looking for a reason. Some people just want to watch the world burn.

ON TO THE TN--- it's not done. Needs more loading. BRB.

Okay back. Save me from awesome, people! I journey to TNA iMPACT and the like.

I still haven't figured out that Hernandez is in the video looking like a thicker Christopher Daniels. On a related note, Alex Shelley looks like Christopher Daniels, too. Make of that as you will. I say there's a new homoerotic double-entendre laden excuse to re-make Triple X. Awww yeah.

So there's a video package thing pimping the storylines, and then the title "Powers Unite".

Big damn SUV limo arrives with bald butt buddies Eric Young w/ childsmoker voice and Kurt Angle w/ relevance. They walk down the lot with arms over each other's shoulders.

In case you have a long-term memory issue, the show starts exactly as it's started for the past two months or even more; MEMers coming down twidth="630"ACK LINK -->

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).













sly painful promo of some sort. Tenay was talking about something in which there was a power struggle between the MEM and someone. May I ask who? There's been absolutely no showing of any faction, major or minor, who was even on the level of competing with the Main Event Mafia. nWo much?

Angle talks about a great injustice last week, and not just the show itself. ALLEGEDLY, Mick Foley won the Legends Title. Yes, that's what happens when someone pins someone else in a match. Angle's excuse is Sting in the crowd causing a distraction, tells teh audience to shut their mouths, and then basically accuses Sting of turning off da lights, causing DARKNESS Bobby Lashley to appear and attack them.

Angle makes a big walking back and forth show to tell that Bobby Lashley should have been in Foley's corner, and not in the ring inter---SHUT YOUR MOUTH, CROWD! interrupting the match. Angle bitched at the TNA Management and they agreed. What the hell Angle; he says they agreed to let the decision stand, so long as Nash gets a title shot at Hard Justice, which ALSO has the unfortunate February 2000 implication of ending Mick Foley's career.

Angle feels forced to strike a deal. I think it was said a while ago that any wrestler whose theme music starts with their name being spoken is either instantly a jobber or a pathetic piece of shit. GUESS WHOSE COMBINED MUSIC BEGINS WITH "We are the World Elite". Or wait, does that not apply to self-declaratory statements involving racially-based statements? I think back to the exact same WWF equivalent "We are the Nation. Of Domination".

Eric Young comes onto the microphone to emphasize emphyzema, or rather do the generic "We're the best ever" and talks about being glad to be taking over TNA with Kurt Angle. What in the hell is happening here? How are these guys going to take over their own company? And this coming just MOMENTS after Angle said he talked to TNA Management, and came to a compromising decision with them. Are they implying these guys are OPENLY SAYING they are going to oust TNA Management, while STILL MAINTAINING FRIENDLY COMMUNICATION WITH TNA MANAGEMENT?!

Fire Russo. Fire anyone and everyone who is writing this shit.

Eric Young is saying shit but I'm not listening because it's generic "I hate America" shit. No wait, that's not the reason why, it's because HE HAS A GODDAMN CHILD SMOKER VOICE. It's horrible. It's like he used to have a high-pitched squeaky voice and now uses a voice box. For some nonsensical reason, redneck hillybilly-sounding rock music starts playing as they all give self-congratulatory circle-jerking.

Backstage now with Jay Bee SHOCKED that Eric Young would team up with Kurt Angle. You win this one, googly eyes, I can't find any record of this happening before. Mick Foley says he is planning on enlisting and going off to Iraq to wage war. Oh wait, he just said he was going to war, but meant fighting. Haha, this sucks.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: KFC Boner-fied. LOUISIANA. DAIIYUP.

BACKSTAGE NOW with DANIELS DANIELS being interviewed by Lauren. For some reason, Eric Young arbitrarily turns his LASER BEAM OF RANDOM RANDOMNESS onto him. Daniels Daniels says screw Eric Young, and starts insulting Eric Young's childhood, and tells him to be a man. Stand up and be a man. May I ask wtf are you talking about? Isn't that EXACTLY what Eric Young is doing?

Chris Sabin and Daniels2 appear randomly in front of the camera, beginning to ask if it's real. They figure out it's a TV camera, and Sabin's all like "oh we forgot because we haven't been on TV in so long". Daniels Daniels freaks out at Daniels2, and says they haven't been doing anything to get noticed.

lolwut?

Daniels Daniels apparently offers them a fight or something. I couldn't even hear him.

Back to the ring, where Mike Tenay calls Eric Young a TNA Traitor for no reason at all.

AT WHAT POINT AT ANY TIME IN THIS ENTIRE STORYLINE WAS THE MAIN EVENT MAFIA CONSIDERED A COMPLETELY SEPARATE ENTITY FROM TNA?

Fuck this shit. I need a break.

Back. Holy fucking shit. Is there someone on the TNA staff that forgets to include written ideas at staff meetings into the final scripts for each show?

Eric Young vs Dan

They start with quicky whipping and kicking and such. Then Daniels Daniels hits a flying punch to Young on the turnbuckle, then whips him to the other one, but the Japanese guy pulls Young out, so Daniels Daniels commits Frankie Kazarian on the two of them, and begins fighting on the outside. Young geniusly grabs the referee so Sheik can attack Daniels. They get back in the ring to pin Daniels Daniels. Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are paging through magazines, meanwhile.

Don West drops an EPIC WIN bomb by criticizing Mike Tenay for accusing them of reading magazines---they're reading VIDEO GAME MANUALS! I take back any bad thing I ever said about those two.

Eric Young dominates Chris in the ring. Dueling chants of "Fallen Angel" and "USA". Something that shouldn't really be dueled considering where Daniels Daniels comes from. Don West heels it up by making sense in claiming Eric Young doesn't want to be a comedy act, and is doing a good job. More shots of the Motor guns reading manuals, while Eric Young gets a CANADIAN CRIPPLER CROSSFACE on Christopher. People chant Eric Sucks. He goes and misses a moonsault. Shelley hilariously gives a thumbs up to Daniels.

This lets Daniels kick Young a bunch, put him up on the turnbuckle and bitchsmack him, then toss him down in some power-bomb looking thing. Then he hits a 'Tist bomb on him, then a standing Rock Bottom, then goes for an extreme shit (BME) and tries for the Not Pedigree only for Kiyoshi to run in and spit wine in his face, or "red mist". FORBIDDEN PILEDRIVER ATTACK on Christopher. More shots of the guns reading game manuals. What the shit, this redneck-sounding music belongs to Eric Young?

WINNAR: Eric Young

To show that evil knows no allies or something, Sheiky dude and Japan baseball slide the Motor guns, for teh lulz.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Disturbing thought: the girl playing Esther in "Orphan" is cute, and quite hot. Give her eight years, and I'd probably do her.

BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with Beer Money and Team 3D talking together and talking about differences and shit, like about their history. For some reason, they decide to talk about Eric Young. Robert Roode talks about how he knows Eric Young better than anyone. If anyone bothers to remember 2+ years ago, you get some homoerotic memories of the time ERIC YOUNG WAS ROBERT ROODE'S SLAVEBOY. Seriously, fucking continuity... Maybe some something Facey like apologize for enslaving him, but then say Young's doing the complete wrong thing here. He shouldn't let all the shit people have done to him drag him down to their level. He should make himself better as a result.

Classic Good vs Evil, will the hero fall? sort of story. Instead we get this stupid-ass shit, history ret-conning, and Buh Buh Ray DUdley screaming like a fat pig about how he's "triple pissed", and that Devon is so pissed, he can't say "testify". TESTUHFAAAAA! Maybe just to make Brother Ray look like a dumbshit, Devon says "OH MAH BRUTHA, TESTIFY" anyway. Jackass.

The British People and the nWo vs Beer Money and Team 3D

Commercials interrupt.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That "WWE Closed Captions" with Josh Richards is a total ripoff and Flanderization of my own gimmick of word replacement.

Brother Ray Deadly starts with Scott Steiner, starting with some punches and stomps by Steiner on Bruther Ray, punches and stomps and scoop slam by Steiner on the other guy. Then Buh Buh hits a sidewalk slam, pins and wins the match. Seriously, imagine if that really happened. Why don't they ever try that? Would certainly add some legitimacy to the whole "guy pins another guy 70 seconds into a heavily hyped match after getting in only one move of offense".

One of the Britons gets tagged in. I can't really tell them apart when they start moving. He looks like a non-fat, less Asian Finlay. Now James Swift comes in, and gets irish whipped and attacked and pinned for the three. End match. Seriously, though. He just fucking came in. The fuck are you thinking?

Another failed pin by James Storm on the other guy after some offense from the drunk. Irish whipped and he boots the briton into the face. Running neck breaker gets ANOTHER FAILED PIN ATTEMPT. Robert Roode gets tagged in, they double suplex, then do a Beer Money taunt., but then BIG ROID TERRY appears, looking all Twice As Big As Batista and scoop slams Robert Roode. I heard a news article recently talk about how people were concerned/angry that Rob Terry has absolutely no wrestling ability at all; that he was just a "bodybuilder" who was hired for his bigness.

Big Roid picks up Roode, and Roode slides off, then kicks at Roid's huge fat thigh, kicks some more, tries an irish whip but fails, Roid runs at him, he kicks Roid, then grabs at him for a neckbreaker from the top rope. Pin by everyone comes in to brawl. Buh Buh somehow ends up the legal man with TEH DOUG, and scoop slams so Devon can get to the top rope and do th Wazzap. Relevance, you has it not.

Brutus Mangus looks all silly Brit on the outside while the Team 3D does the GET THE TABLES thing, only for Brutal Mange to call out Kishi, Eric Jung, and Sheik Abdul Jabbar. ZOMG Christopher Daniels and the Motor guns come out to attack the bad guys! Brawling everywhere, but ZOMG it's Big Immobile, Kebong Nash, who does some cheapass punches to everyone when ZOMG Mick Foley comes out to beat on Kebin. ZOMG KURT ANGLE COMES, to beat on Mick Foley, then ZOMG Sting comes out to break out Kurt Angle then ZOMG Samoa Joe comes out then ZOMG Bobby Lashley comes out to attack Samoa Joe, then ZOMG Santa Claus comes with a pot full of spaghetti!

Traci Brooks shoves someone off the top turnbuckle, because they just remembered there was a match. Big Roid pins Robert Roode and wins.

WINNAR: The steroid guy, and people who like nonsensical clusterfucks where people run out one at a time.

James Storm comes in to beat on them all, and ALL OF A SUDDEN all the same clusterfuckers come right back out to brawl again. Kevin hilariously looks confused, looking around while the camera focuses on him.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If the aliens just want to leave District 9 and go home, why in the blue fuck won't the humans let them? Judging from the trailers, no one likes them or wants them around, they want to go home, but "some" government apparently won't let them, while also decides to kill them all for some reason stemming from not wanting them around. A TNA motion picture?

SPeaking of TNA motion, back from the commercials and the fighting is still going on. It must be super exhausting trying to make fake punches and stomps and kicks look legitimate in front of an audience for many consecutive minutes. The bell keeps ringing nonstop, while the main eventers end up backstage, and the midcard "TNA doesn't give a shit about us" guys fight in the ring.

Hilarious "security camera" footage showing the brawl outside with the main eventers. Security guys ar epretty much just politely pushing and tugging on them, asking them to stop the fight. Sting set up a table vertically and slammed Angle into it but it did not break. Angle then whips him into it but it does not break, but it bends. SHAKY-ASS CAMERA is running down the hall to show many brawling by the people around the halls and parking lot and shit.

Okay, admittedly... THIS IS FUN!

Sting's throwing garbage cans around, and in the ring and now backstage and now in the ring with a botched double Enzuigiri by the Motor guns on Kiyoshi, then Daniels gets a standing Rock Bottom on him, then a BME on him, and nwo backstage where Samoa Joe and Bobby Lashley are screaming at each other in one of the locker rooms, with Monty Sopp and security holding them back,a nd backstage now with Booker T being crushed by Buh Buh Ray under a table using a chair to smash him. Don West says he's killing Booker T.

Sting and Kevin Nash out in the parking lot now with the British and the James Storm and Devon all fighting, and now Kishoi in the ring somehow is beating on Chris Sabin and TEH DOUG gets hit in the head by Sting in the back and now Buh Buh Ray is choking Scott Steiner with a fucking table and now int he locker room with Taz trying to pull Joe off, and in the ring with the Motor guns and Daniels smashing the shit out of Young and Kiyoshi and Abdul with that stack on the turnbuckle nad Irish Whip.

Backstage now with Sting attacking Steiner and Storm knocks TEH DOUG out, (hilarious: someone has a sign of Calvin pissing on a WWE logo).

POLICE SIRENS, ZOMFG! Uniformed police come out in unmarked cars, and the British put their hands up.

That was hilarious and FUN!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: More disturbing things about "Orphan": Esther is really a 33 year old woman with a physical disorder that causes her to look perpetually prepubescent.

Back now with Alissa Flash all punkily dressed with red Jeff-Harvey-Ripping-Off-Priss-From-Blade-Runner eye makeup

Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks vs Some mysterious blonde I haven't seen before called "Taylor Wilde" or something and Sarita

OH I remember! Taylor Wilde was that big-time main event knockout who feuded with Awesome Kong for a long time before getting the typical TNA "We're too stupid to come up with something for you to do" treatment and kept off TV for a month or longer.

So match starts with Taylor and Traci, some fighting and such, and Taylor gets on the turnbuckle and onto Traci, seemingly for a hurricanrana, but she basically falls over, but is saved by making it into an armdrag of sorts. Alissa Flash gets tagged in, and then Sarita does then after. Sarita gets chopped and whipped by Alissa, and Sarita hoists herself up on Alissa for a Hurricanrana. Punches and chops and irish whip from the turnbuckle reversed and Sarita got up onto the second rope, kicked Alissa, flips down, and armdrags her. Taylor Wilde is tagged in, and they hold hands all up until Sarita gets and does a top rope crossbody onto both Traci and Alissa.

Alissa somehow ends up in the ring and Taylor pins for the fail. Alissa reverses an irish whip, and Traci grabs Taylor's foot, only to get kicked in the head by the other foot. Alissa picks her up for a spinning slam, and pins for the fail. She picks up Taylor and tags in Traci, who smacks Taylor, then starts shoving her against the rope for a choke. Then does it again. She runs and clotheslines Taylor just as she gets up.

Pinfail by Traci. Rather than try to do something to change it, she chooses the insane method by trying to pin her again, only to act surprised when it doesn't work. Alissa is in and seemingly prepares to do a surfboard stretch on Taylor only to kick her face into the mat. Traci back in to be useless while Taylor elbows her, whips, run around, double cross-body. Both of them get up and Traci grabs Taylor only to be kicked away. Both opponents tag in their people, and Sarita slams into Traci, dropkicks Traci, attacks Traci a bit, and flips over her to get into Alissa's full nelson, to dropkick Traci, then arm drags Alissa into a surfboard headscissor kind of submission, only for Traci to lazily break it up. Taylor and her fight outside, while Sarita flippydippies all around, and does a lame small package for the win.

WINNAR: Taylor MILDE and Sarita

Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks attack them afterwords to be bitches. People chant "you suck" because they lost the match.

Video promo for the TNA stupidstars, the same one that is distinguished by Brutus Magnus doing his stupid head wiggly thing.

BACKSTAGE NOW with the Beautiful People. Would you believe it, I almost completely forgot these people existed. I also realized now that they bore me. Angelina says she needs a tetanus shot after being kissed by TEH DEANER. Velvet Sky is looking more and more like Madison Rayne as the weeks progress. Hey, I joined in the recapping late; why exactly was Madison Rayne being treated like a slave girl for a few weeks and then became "Third girl" in the Beautiful People?

They give nothing of value to contribute other than to whine and bitch about hillbillies and ODB and Teh Deaner.

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with Monty Sopp picking up all the garbage from the big-ass brawl all alone. HILARIOUSLY ALL ALONE!

Random Commercial-area Thoughts:

BACKSTAGE AGAIN with AJ Smiles and Lauren. He's talking about how TNA is an insane asylum now, and how he's never seen anything like that clusterfuck. He states a meteor could hit the earth and it still wouldn't take his focus off his match right now. LOL JEWS 9/11 ILLUMINATI FREEMASONS SKULL AND BONES STONECUTTERS MAYANS 2012 APOCALYPSE NEW WORLD ORDER HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAAAAN!

Rather than having some kind of wrestling or action match, they have a VIDEO PACKAGE for Hernandez. Generic "I sacrificed, I busted my ass, I paid my dues, I get buried by TNA, I'm still here, I lift weights, I lived in the ghetto, I will fight to stay here and get to the top"

Rather than having some kind of wrestling or action match, they have an INTERVIEW with Super Sex--I mean, Mex, Hernandez, from earlier today. Hernandez's father was a Green Beret for 30 years, served three tours in Vietnam, Hernandez was in football, Hernandez used to have hair. Konnan apparently tried to burn the American flag. Wonder if that's even true. More cheap heat and cheap pop for Hernandez to be all pro-America Fuck Yeah.

Hernandez laughs sleazily as LAX is brought up and Homicide. What in the fuck does this flag burning incident have to do with Homicide and LAX? He somehow says it comes down to his family. This still has nothing to do with Homicide. Did I miss something? Mike Tenay basically asks the exact same question again with different wording, and Hernandez finally answers saying they might team up again.

BACKSTAGE. AGAIN. With HOMICIDE! He ignores Hernandez, talking about the X Division title. He mocks Samoa Joe and Taz. With a name like Homicide, I'd believe it. He says Latinos don't die; they multiply. An unfortunate truth among my people.

WEBOGRAPHY with AJ STYLES! If he weren't a pro wrestler, he'd be a cop. He loves Super Mario Brothers 2, Castlevania, Metaru Gearu Sorrido, Street Fighter II. He pretty much buries wrestling by saying he should have gone with baseball.

BLUEPRINT OF FAILED SEMEN comes out, then AJ Styles.

Matt Morganite vs AJ Styles Best of Three Series, Guaranteed Morgan victory

They start with fighting (OMG REALLY?!) SHOCKINGLY, there are people chanting "LET'S GO MORGAN!", though they're a noticeable minority compared to the AJ chants. Morgan tried to do something, but AJ slid out of the ring, Morgan tripped, and AJ got in to stomp him and put him in a submission hold, like an ankle lock from a different direction. Now he tries to do something but Morgan shoves him with his feet, then clotheslines the shit out of him.

Morrigan gets him on the turnbuckle and elbows him a bunch, then does a splash, gets him up, and does his lazy-ass stalling side drop. He holds him up for a slam, but pretends to check a watch, then just drop AJ while acting cocky. Snoogins. AJ runs at him and gets caught in a Fallaway slam. AJ on the ropes and Morgan rears back and lunges on him to try to hurt him, and he flips out onto the outside, landing on his feet and taunting the camera. Blueprint does an apron legdrop on AJ, then goes in to pin him but AJ kicks out.

Morgan does a Big Show taunt, and gets AJ for a chokeslam, but AJ knocks out, only to get caught again, and Morganite tries to chokeslam but AJ flips out of it, then gets a kick to the head which might have been a Pele, but probably wasn't. AJ whipped to a turnbuckle, then he boots a running Morgan. Morgan dodges a top rope move, and AJ hits a Pele. Tenay confuses me by saying "Clothesline misses, Pele does it!" because I didn't see any clothesline before that.

AJ on the top rorope only to get out, and he knocks Morgan's knee out from under him when he's on the apron. Then he gets up to do a flippy, but lands sloppily on his feet as Morgan gets away. He tries a Mysterio bulldog, but gets dorpped on the top rope by Morgan. Now for the Jack Hammervator, but AJ re... oh, that's just how the Hello Vader works. Odd. Pin.

WINNAR: Matthew Morgan

Morgan needs a lot more work. He's definitely in the right place here, and in the right position for being showcased and improved. He ain't gonna win this series, but he's definitely ready for more. But he'll always be the BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE to us all.

Video package of the feuds going on for Hard Justice. It's very long.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Law and Order is great. Some guy representing a Girls Gone Wild type promotion basically raped a girl, then sent his friend in to rape her next, and she ended up killing him. He's then put on trial, puts up a decent defense, but then says to McCoy he'll walk (meaning not get convicted) because just ONE person on the jury who watches his stuff and likes it will make sure of that. He subsequently gets convicted on all charges, and whines in court "I can't go to jail! I don't wanna go to jail!"

By the way, the video package lasted as long as it took me to type all that above and more.

Backstage, where Kurt Angle is seemingly leaving, while all the rest of the MEM left as well. So only the British got arrested? Racism! Meanwhile, Chris Abyss gets Jay Bee's attention. He's in nondescript hobo clothing, while still wearing his mask. HAHAHA! Chris asks if they are best friends and says Jay Bee would never attack him like that for the bounty. Jay Bee has a hammer in his hand behind his back. Chris Abyss catches it, and is about to get sadface, but Consequences Creedle and Jay Letal appear to attack him for the bounty. Chris Abyss wails on them like it's a hate crime.

Exact same video from earlier with the head-wiggling airs.

Then a Sting walking down a dark corridor thing.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Is it too obvious that several of my lines during play-by-plays are EXACT transcribings of what Mike Tenay or Don West are saying on their commentary? Like in the next match: "Magnus rolls out to the floor to try and regroup and stop this offensive onslaught from the Icon" is exactly, word for word, what Mike Tenay said.

Sting vs Brutus Magnus

Before it starts, Slippery Penis orders TEH DOUG and Roid Terry to leave the arena area. They're all mad and pissed off, like all heels should be because it's obvious they will cheat. Match starts. They stare off and such, Sting does his woo taunt, and Brutus looks behind him int error as the fans do the same thing. Then he rushes at Sting into the turnbuckle, punches a bit, and Sting reverses it, stomping on him, then monkey tosses him away, dropkicks, clotheslines, woo taunt as Magnus rolls out to the floor to try and regroup and stop this offensive onslaught from the Icon.

Magnus cautiously goes around the ring, but Sting chases after him. Mangus comes back in, and acts the cowardly heel, offering a hand, and Sting kicks him, then irish whips, but Mangus reverses, gets a knee, and an uppercut, then does a flying elbow attack on him, then takes Sting's leg out. People boo. You know what, Don West IS right; Brutal Mangus is the future of this business. And he's gonna be buried by Sting, I bet.

Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm all thought out.

Back, Sting is on the floor still, then he gets up, and gets an enzuigiri on Brutal when he catches his leg. Sting does punches and clotheslines on Manggus, irish whipped, tries a Stingar Splish, but gets booted in the chest. He fails a flying dropkick and gets put in a Scorpion Dethklok, and taps out.

WINNAR: Stinger

Wow, that was a main event? Way to bury Brutus Magnus. Unless you count strikes and flying attacks as "moves", then it's safe to say Magnus got in no moves whatsoever.

Brutal Mangus tries to attack from behind but Sting goes all "Ooh I'm badass!" and just lifts an elbow to catch him. He tosses him into the turnbuckle and starts punching on him, but OMG here comes the guys who should have been arrested: the World Leet. They all get buried by Stink, but Eric Young basically avoids it. Roid Terry is the bait, and the rest of them rally to attack Sting from behind. All but two of them add their feet in to push on Sting when he's on the turnbuckle. BUBBY LASHLEY APPEARS! And Mick Foley as an afterthought. Bobby smashes everyone down n shit. Foley takes on some as well. That fucking bell never fucking stops whenever shenanigans occur, and it's fucking annoying.

OMFG Main Event Mafia comes out! Tenay says "The Main Even Mafia left the building my ass!" Big-ass barwl in the ring now. Kevin Nash is last, and comes in way late. Hilariously so. All the good guys are under attaaaack. Hernandez comes in swinging a chain over his head. All the bad guys just leave. Snootch to the bootch.

Up Pills: Honestly, that was the best episode of TNA iMPACT! I've seen since the first 2 hour episode back in 2007. It was funner than hell with that BIG FUCKING fight between the good guys and bad guys, which ended Monty Python and the Holy Grail style but surprisingly no one got arrested this time. Matt Morgan looked like a legitimate wrestler and superstar in the making. And he had PSYCHOLOGY, TOO!

Down Pills: The opening segment; repeated ad nauseum for how many weeks/months now? Please stop. Also, someone needs to release a novelization of this storyline, because it's becoming a clusterfuck of nonsensical bullshit, plot holes to pilot spaceships inside of, and just outright retardation played straight right in our faces.

- WHO THE FUCK ARE THE MEM/WORLD ELITE FIGHTING?
- WHO IS OPPOSING THEIR "TAKEOVER" OF TNA, ASIDE FROM THE DISORGANIZED AND POWERLESS BABYFACES?
- WHERE THE HELL IS JIM CORNETTE (representing TNA Management) IN ALL THIS?
- HOW DOES BEING IN A HEEL STABLE AIMING TO REACH THE TOP OF THE TNA COMPANY AND STAY THERE MAKE YOU A "TRAITOR"?
- DOES KIYOSHI EVEN HAVE A CHARACTER OR GIMMICK BEYOND "SILENT TOKEN ASIAN BACKGROUND GUY"?

Otherwise, this was an amazing episode. Is this the result of a TNA without Jeff Jarrett? If so, we just need Russo gone, and we have a genuinely good wrestling company to push forth with.

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).