Video recap of the usual stuff. So much so I shouldn't even mention it, but I do, because I love you. Not you, but someone else, in an abstract sort of way.
So some random generic music plays, and out comes Tommy Dreamer. Based on some of the sounds in the generic music, I'm thinking it's supposed to be a genericized version of "Man in the Box", the way it would sound if you didn't know how to play the song, and were recording yourself playing along to the song, just sort of hitting random notes in order to keep yourself on time. Basically, the way a real guitar player would play it on Guitar Hero. I know because I tried that game and have played real guitar. Nothing at all alike. It's like playing a fucking piano with a wiggly-stick.
Anyway, Tommy Dreamer's like WHY RAVEN and calls him out and says how they were friends, enemies, best of friends, worst of enemies, when he comes to their house his kids call him Uncle Scotty and stuff. People chant UNCLE SCOTTY when he tries to talk, saying they've known each other for 30 years, and did he think he was ever gonna forgive him for taking away HIS GIRL?!
Is he talking about the same girl (kayfabe) who was hugely fat in high school and everyone made fun of and that he brought back in order to mock Tommy Dreamer with? Forgive me if this does make sense, ECW was before my time wrestling-wise, and even then I didn't care much about Raven and Tommy Dreamer. Scratch that, I didn't care much about Tommy Dreamer.
So Raven waited, bided his time, knowing sooner or later Tommy would committ his heart and soul, laughed at his stupid jokes, listened to his insipid stories, and now he's committed everything and Raven shattered it in a million pieces. His heterosexual street-cred by licking Tommy's face like that? He says Tommy's kids should be calling Raven "Daddy" and he's gonna be giving his ex (Tommy's wife) a little Hard Justice of his own. HURDURRR. And instead of his kids, it's gonna be Tommy's wife calling him daddy.
All this while, Tommy was walking up the ramp at him and then decked him and punched him up. Because Raven is clearly smart, he knew that Abyss would come out immediately to save Raven. But then Rob Van Dam knocks Abyss some with a steel chair, and kicks off the ramp onto Abyss, and smacks him up with a steel chair, while up on the ramp Raven Evenflow DDT's Tommy Dreamer on the ramp.
For no real reason, Mick Foley appears and hits Raven in the guts with a barbed wire bat. He then gets a microphone and says it WILL BE the final showdown between Tommy Dreamer and Raven and there will be a winnar, because Foley will be the special referee.
Meanwhile, card rundown, then the Horrible People come out to their music and such, but it's only Velvet Sky and Lacey Von Erich. Maybe it's just because of me being etcetera, but I don't find them attractive.
Taylor Wilde w/ "Token Minority" replacement (Hamada) vs The Beautiful People
Lots of touching of Hamada on Taylor, with pseudo-lesbian vibes strengthened by the shallowness of judging Hamada such based solely on her not being curvy and blonde. Anyway, match starts with a schoolboy which hits and wins. No, not really, but seriously, why even bother with a move like that? Anyway, somehow Lacey takes control and Fallaway Slams Taylor, then Taylor rolls off and tags in the token Japanese Hamada, who... I think chops her, but she completely missed. Finally then just beats her back.
Velvet tries to catch Hamada but gets guillotined like Danton, and Lacey killshits Hamada some. She then tags in Velvet and holds down Hamada so Velvet can punch and kick her. Then a snapmare on Hamada and a kick on the back and pin gets 2. Velvet tags in Lacey, and they double irish whip, but slam her into the turnbuckle, then drop her and pin gets 2. Lacey... does an awesome backflipping elbow drop thing, but... did not even hit Hamada. YAY BOTCHAMANIA! Anyway she hits Hamada some, then Taylor Wilde gets in to tease Lacey, and hit a German Suplex and pin gets 2.
Hamada kicks up Velvet after she rushed in, and now the two of them irish whip their opponents together, but the Beautiful People reverse, only for the lesbians to swing and attack the Beautiful People again. MEANWHILE UP ON TEH RAMP is Madison Rayne, and on the other side is the MoTARAcyclist woman. The Taz only now realizes its a woman... despite it not only having the figure of such, but wearing a bikesuit that essentially has a big hole in the front to show tits.
She just stands in one corner clapping, while Velvet beats on Hamada. Hamada backs the referee in the corner, only to slip away and get the referee slapped by Velvet. This somehow keeps him down. Tag team rules gone as Lacey von Erich brings Taylor Wilde in to beat on her, and gets a steel chair from the motorcycle woman, and Taylor dropkicks the chair into Lacey's face and pinwins. The referee counts this despite having the fucking steel chair RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF HIM RIGHT IN BETWEEN HIM AND THE PIN! EVEN THE TAZ REMARKS ON THIS "HOW DO YOU MISS THE CHAIR WHEN YOU COUNT 3 OVER THE CHAIR?"
WINNAR + NEW TNA FEMALE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: Taylor Wilde and Hamada
I know, I didn't even realize until then that it was a championship match.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is it that the major company media players like DivX player and Windows media player and such always take too fucking long to load videos whereas the shitty little free or easier to crack than a glass door load fast?
TNA TV Championship
AJ Styles (C) vs Rob Terry
No variety? No challenge? More Big Steroids for the championship he already lost like a bitch? Apparently, Earl Hebner tells KAAZ to leave, bitch, because he's not THAT stupid. Anymore. At least until next time. So Steroid clotheslines them both out of the ring and chases KAAZ away. He then turns around and shoves AJ off the top rope before he can superhero springboard. Irish whip and an attempted catch on the ropes by AJ fails anyway as he runs into Big Rob's Big Boot. Roid Terry chokes him with two hands and tosses him onto the turnbuckle. Shoulderblocks him, and hoists him up and drops him back.
Big Roid runs at AJ in a corner, and AJ brings his feet up so Roid can catch them and slam AJ down again. Then he presses AJ's face over the top turnbuckle and upside down on the outside. Big Rob is all angryface and brings him back upright on the turnbuckle to chokeslam him off the turnbuckle. AJ suddenly bounces up and chops Big Rob. The Taz remarks Rob handled AJ like a Spauldeen basketball. Mike Tenay says it's "Spaulding" and OBVIOUSLY HE NEVUH BEEN IN BROOKLYN. I have. I can confirm that shit is Spauldeen.
Anyway, AJ kicks Rob in the nuts while the referee is backed into a corner facing away, and then does a springboard 450 splish on a Big Rob to pin and win and such.
WINNAR: AJ Styles
Backstage a hairy Kurt Angle talks about the whole rating system thing in TNA and such. He decided he needs a new challenge in wrestling each of the top 10 guise to earn a title shot. This actually reminds me of how video games are so easy to beat certain levels or missions or the entire game that you have to impose your OWN challenges just to make it fun again, like beating a mission in Grand Theft Auto without any civilian casualties, or driving without hitting anything, or beating Triple H in Smackdown vs Raw without using specials or heavy grapples.
That doesn't really say much about TNA. It says a lot about Kurt Angle, but it doesn't say much about TNA.
Earlier today, Jay Lethal talks about stuff involving Ric Flair while eating a shitty-looking lunch and talking about the street fight with Ric Flair.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Yogi Bear the Movie: "Good things come in bears" Think about that. Really think about it.
Video recap of Abyss threatening to cut off Rob Van Dam's butt with Janice. Backstage, Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky try to slap at each other while security holds them apart. Lacey somehow ended up slammed into something and knocked out. Velvet curses repeatedly so that it is all censored. The Taz guess rainbows and butterflies evaporated in the Beautiful People's world. Rainsbows and butterflies what kind of fucking group is this? I thought they were supposed to be bonafide whores too good to fuck anyone.
Match 4 of 5 Ultimate X
Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns
At this point, I could likely copy-paste the play by play of last week's or the week before's match between these two and it wouldn't be much different. It'd still be fun, sure. But still, it's not fun to recap. For a change of pace, Robert Roode gets on the microphone all like we don't like you you don't like us, but we two teams have redefined tag team wrestling, and there's no doubt you're a great team, but James and I from day one have had a goal to be the best in the world, and the only way to be the best is by having the TNA World Tag Team Titles.
So tonight, in ULTIMATE SEX, they gonna defeat the Murder Guns, and become four-time TNA Male Tag Team Champions. Chris Sabin puts down with WE -ARE- THE TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS and WE ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD and these belts prove it. They chose Ultimate X for a reason; it's Motor city world and it's their match and such, and the only way they gonna win is by murdering the gunnaz. Not in those words, but I'm not gonna misquote Charlton Heston.
Commercial-break later, match starts. Murder gunnas go for the turnbuckles only for Beer Moneys to grab them down and irish whip each of them in different corners, but the Gunnaz run at them for clotheslines and change places to do it again. They throw the Beer Money out of the ring, then double crossbody block both of them out of the ring. Sabin climbs onto the Ultimate X rope thing but Storm drags him down and punches him, while Shellith is busy trying to keep Roode from entering. Sabin runs at Shelley, Shelley ducks, and Roode gets kicked out of the ring. Double-team move on Storm, and Roode gets back in only for Shelley to Crossface him on top of Storm and keep him down while Sabin goes for the X, only to be dragged down by the Beer Moneys who got free and drag him into the corner.
Roode then drags down Shelley into an inverted Atomic Drop, and catapult him into Storm's DDT. They both then argue about who should climb the rope, and Storm says no, cos he's been drinking, and The Taz equates it with being like driving while intoxicated. Funny joke there. Murder Guns recover and nut Roode on the turnbuckle, then smack Storm down into the corner, and drag Roode down so his butt is in Storm's face, and Sabin does his flying stalling dropkick on Roode's face. Shelley then PUTS HIS FOOT ON ROODE'S PENIS. Looked rather real. Must be wearing a cup? Sabin runs at Storm as he gets up and gets kicked back, and backdropped by Roode.
They then take Shelley down from the X rope and try to double team him, but he breaks free, and tries a Sliced Bread on Roode, only to be caught in Storm's backcracker thing. A double snap suplex by Beer Money onto Shelley. Beer Money taunt gets a bunch of people riled, and lots of boos. Roode smacks Sabin who was trying to climb the turnbuckle and Alex Shelley gets punched in th eface by James Storm. They double irish whip Shelley and irish whip Storm into him to clothesline, then Roode runs and clotheslines him.
Shelley seated on the turnbuckle to be punched by Storm, and he then gets up for something, but gets shoved off in an inverted Atomic Drop. Roode climbs ont he ropes and gets close to the X but gets yanked down by Shelley and kicked in the guts. Roode then gets grabbed in a big-ass spike DDT thing by Shelley. Shelley then goes onto the turnbuckle, seemingly getting to the cable, but Storm runs at him, so Shelley jumps over him and stomps on Roode hard.
He then gets to the other turnbuckle, fights Storm off, and gets on the cable, but Storm recovers enough to grab him and hit a spinning slam thing, like a F5, but drunk. Chris Sabin recovers and gets on the cable, but doesn't start, so as to grab Storm with his legs. Seeing himself trapped, he hurricanrana's Storm off the turnbuckle. Roode then appears to spinebuster Chris Sabin.
TEAMWORK IN ACTION as Roode gets on the cable, and uses Storm's shoulders to support going for the X, but the Motor guns blast Storm, then drag Roode down, and he ends up falling out of the ring. Storm ends up on the apron, and Shelley kicks him in the guts. Shelley then does an Asai DDT on the apron. I know this because Asai DDT is one of my favorite finisher moves. And it looked great.
Robert Roode climbs UP the metal stuff to WALK on the X rope cables, while Sabin crawls on the ropes. Roode then gets crotched by Sabin and falls NASTILY on his legs, and Sabin grabs the X for win.
WINNAR: Motor City Machine Guns
Well enough of that midcard chickenshitbullshit, as we get Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan and the random female walking around backstage.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: GOOD THINGS CUM IN BEARS~!
Out comes the Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to the ring. Bischoff mentions how next week will be the WHOLE F'N SHOW! An ad shows up at the bottom saying NO TALK, ALL ACTION! This REALLY doesn't say much about TNA. Speaking of idiocy, they're gonna skip that whole PAY PER VIEW event they have this Sunday, and will instead give away the fifth tag team match on FREE TV rather than PPV. Also STAIRWAY TO JANICE thing involving Abyss and Rob Van Dam.
I guess the HARDGORE JUSTICE thing is ECW guise only. Hurrdurr.
Anyway, here be Kevin Nash all angrypants. So much so, Eric Bischoff scoots the female out, and Nash is all like SO FINALLY I GET FACE TO FACE WITH YOU TWO and such, and what ht ehell's going on around here as his name isn't mentioned and such. Hogan says that maybe he hasn't noticed, but he's stepped back and Jarrett's stepped back; their time is over, and it's time for people like Jay Lethal, AJ Styles, and Beer Money and such, and guise like Hogan and Nash pass the torch, no more conning for paychecks, minimum effort maximum money. Them days are over.
Nash gapes at Hogan like most of us, all like "YOU talking to ME? HULK HOGAN talking to me about POLITICS?!" Eric Bischoff mentions how it's NOTHING but politics to Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash says this:
Virtually word for word. Then he beats up Eric Bischoff. This allows Hogan to killshit Nash with some of the worst and laziest punches evar, which Nash sells like Scott Hall. Hogan backs him into a corner in Sodomy position, and gets legged in the nutballs by Nash. Nash then puts him on the turnbuckle to hip bump into him. He then gets a steel chair from outside and goes to Jackknife Powerbomb Hogan, but Eric Bischoff runs up to get shoved aside by Nash. Nash then somehow gives up on trying to Jackknife, so he gets the steel chair and is about to hit him but OH NOESZ Jeff Jarrett appears to beat up on Nash.
All of a sudden, nWo Sting appears and smacks the chair out of Jarrett's hands with the baseball bat. He then beats up Jarrett, and smacks Hogan with the steel chair. YAY WCW REFERENCES! ECW reunion and now WCW revival? Maybe Sean Carless can come up with a spiffy satirical line about that in the main-page update.
After a commercial thing, Christy Hemme rushes up to ask questionf os Sting and Kevin Nash. They just sort of leave. Speaking of wanting to just leave:
Orlando Jordan vs His Holy Darkness Pope D'Angelo Dinero
This week, we get Orlando with a lollipop, sucking on it, then offering it to So Cal Val, BUT FIRST... he rubs it on his nipple, and gives it to her, without forcing it in her mouth. The Taz shows great excitement for The Pope, but utter apathy for the match as he still talks about Hulk Hogan and stuff. Orlando Jordan makes seductive faces and sucks on his own finger like it was a... well, finger. I know for a fact you don't suck cock like that. What?
Jordan tries to touch The pope, but he shoves him away, and so they wrestle now, grappling and mat stuff now, now with Jordan bashing Pope into the corner, and grabs the ropes so he can rub his butt against His Holy Crotch and get bitchslapped away, with the message "I ALREADY TOLD YOU: YOU WANNA WRESTLE? LETS WRESTLE" Orlando bops him back and starts stomping and dropping knee on him, then punches him up on the ground.
Speaking of wanting to leave right now, Eric Young rushes out, slides along the ramp, and starts snatching up all the fake-monkey the Pope dropped... even stuffing wads into his mouth. Somehow this distracts Orlando Jordan so Pope can beat him up and back body drop him and such, then drop his knee pads for a DDE, which does not at all stand for "Elijah Express", but luckily they explain this means "D'Angelo Dinero Express" which I suppose makes more sense, but it'll always be an Elijah Express in my heart. He hits it and wins it.
WINNAR: The black guy
MIGHTY WHITEY arrives in a clear commentary on blonde-haired super white men beating the shit out of black people. Mister Anderson runs out with a chair to chase him away, looking even more aryan with his bleached hair. THe Pope now yells at Anderson a bunch, and Anderson tosses the chair away for some reason.
Now, two security guards, aka, THE NWA GUISE, arrive to yell loudly at Kennedy to get out, while Pope leaves. Mr Kennedy faces them off looking smug... and all this amounts to pretty much nothing as we go to the back with Christy Hemme talking to Ric Flair, wondering if he can beat Jay Lethal despite FOURTUNE being told not to interfere or else get Ric Flair suspended for 90 days. Why even bother specifying them when someone like Flair will just get someone not in Fortune to killshit Jay Lethal?
Ric Flair talks about women, alligator belt, custom suit, silk shirt, then refers to Lethal as "smallest black brother" again like it's an insult of some sort. Then he says he is a Wrestling God GADGAD, and says tonight Jay Lethal, "You die"
Video recap of the ECW thing at Hardcore Justice, featuring footage of the ECW GUISE when they were in TNA and such.
Jay Lethal vs Ric Flair
Being genre-savvy that he is, Lethal knows to wear JEANS to this street fight. TWF FANLAWS AND WHATEVER! Meanwhile as they shill the fucking shit out of next week's iMPACT!, I notice they haven't even mentioned ONE match happening at Hardcore Justice. They banking on the ECW name alone to sell PPVs? Do the TNA people not realize the last guy to bank on the ECW name alone ended up $8 million in debt? Does ANYONE in this fucking company know how to hype a pay per view this particular month or are they intentionally trying to bank on ECW name alone, or are they smarter than we give credit in trying to discredit ECW the way WWE did with December to Dismember?
It's a fucking street fight, what do you want? Ric Flair beats on Lethal so hard, his tanktop comes off somehow. Lethal rolls under the ring as Ric Flair brings in a trashcan and kendu stick. Lethal then comes up and springboard kicks Flair. He then beats him out of his jacket, and pulls his shirt up to knife-edge chop him. He then tosses Flair's shirt into the crowd. More chops on Flair, and an irish whip on him into a back body drop. He then gets the kendru stick and hits Flair in the head with it. HARDBORE JUSTICE PIMPING and Ric Flair blades.
Lethal gets on the turnbuckle with Flair leaning against it and punches him up. Flair then sells(?) this by blindly punching around and posing, then keeling over. Ric Flair matches are before my time, so I figure this is normal. He then hits Flair with a trash can lid and Flair stands there, then suddenly keels forward. Flair then tears Ric Flair's pants off to bear some awesome underpants. He then steals Flair's belt to whip him with, cuz shit, Flair's darker than him.
Lethal snatches up his torn pants an tosses them into the crowd. He then removes one shoe and one sock and tosses them away. By the way, Doug Williams randomly appeared at ringside to stare. Lethal smacks Flair with a trash can, and Flair keels over again. He then somehow gets up and gets onto the turnbuckle so Lethal can smack him with a cookie sheet. He climbs up top and tries foar a Suparplex, and hits it.
Lethal pins, but gets pulled off by Doug Williams (BECAUSE I FUCKING SAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT COMING!) Lethal fights him off, and gets on the top rope to sunset flip on Flair, and... pulls his underpants down. Screen pixelation to hide his ass. Earl Hebner has to help Flair pull his underpants up, and does so by touching his ass a bunch. Doug Williams smacks Lethal with his title belt and Ric Flair pinwins.
WINNAR: Ric Flair
Backstage, Abyss is inexplicably with Raven, and I just now remember we still have a match to come, which given how much time is left, is bound to be a shitpile.
BACKSTAGE after commercial, Christy Hemme ONLY NOW mentions ONE match coming up in HARDSNORE JUSTICE with Rob Van Dam vs Jerry Ly--- I mean UNKNOWN OPPONENT! One match. Rob Van Dam is confused and frightened by all this responsibility she mentions, and says he handles it one night at a time and such. He's focused and excited on that match later tonight. And after all that, THEN he'l lfocus on Hardcore Justice.
Speaking of unknown opponent, here be Jerry Lynn all like HEY SUP HARDCORE JUSTICE You and I get to tear it up one more time. WAY TO SPOIL THE SURPRISE ASSHOLE! Hemme's like "Jerry Lynn?" and Van Dam, just as confused, is like "Jerry Lynn"
Abyss and Raven vs Rob Van "Tam" and Tommy Dreamer
JB's words, saying Rob Van Tam. Heels ambush faces midramp, and lots of fake punches and brawling. Raven ends up tossed out the ramp and Abyss beats on Tommy and Rob Van and such, then runs and tosses Tommy into the ring, and Tommy runs at him to knock him with a knee before he can fully enter. Rob Van Dam then runs and dives over the ropes onto Abyss. Tommy Dreamer then suplexes RVD onto Abyss, and Raven pops Tommy Dreamer in the leg to knock him down.
Abyss now beating up on Tommy Dreamer with punches and such. He then runs along to do his Retard Dash and slam into him and tags in Raven. Uncle Scotty pulls out a little towel, blows into it, and presses it on Tommy's face. I would derisively say "OH YEAH EXTREEEEME" but I do recall Tommy Dreamer throwing Lance Storm's pee in Storm's own face.
Dreamer gets nom'd on by Abyss on the outside a bit, then thrown back in for Raven to stomp on, then tag in Abyss to get punched by a recovering Tommy Dreamer, but kneed in the guts. He then scoop slams Tommy Dreamer, and pin gets 2. MEANWHILE MIKE TENAY ASKS THE TAZ IF HE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AT HARDCORE JUSTICE AND THE TAZ SAYS HE'S HEARD RUMORS. RUMORS. SCUTTLEBUTT. AND THEN SAYS HE AIN'T TELLING, GO BUY THE PPV YOURSELF.
No. That's not how you sell Pay Per Views.
Rob Van Dam ends up inside and kicks Raven a bunch, poses, and runs to dropkick Abyss's legs out from under his legs off the leg, then knocks Raven down and Rolling Thunder him but Abyss here with his leg to kick Rob Van Dam. He catches Van Dam and Dreamer in a chokeslam attempt but gets double clotheslined out. DDT by Dreamer on Raven, and Rob Van Dam does a Five Star Frog Splash and pinwin.
WINNAR: Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam
Abyss attacks from behind because, in the words of Joe Pesci, he's stupid. He don't give a fuck.
Abyss then chokeslams Rob Van Dam, and chokeslams Tommy Dreamer. And for reasons that I'm betting has NOTHING to do with the huge fucking gimmick feud DOCTOR Stevie had with Chris Abyss Parks and more to do with TNA not remembering the whole Stevie Richards being Raven's minion thing and more to do with FACE AND HEEL STATUS QUO, Stevie Richards comes out to save Dreamer and beat up Abyss, but Abyss beats him up.
Rhino then comes out to chomp on Abyss and get beaten up. Team 3D then come out and get annihilated by Raven. Lights go out, and when they come out it's THE SANDMAN. He beats up the heels with the Singapore cane, and they play some music for him that for the life of me sounds EXACTLY like one of the Generic Select-A-Songs in WWE Day of Reckoning.
Mick Foley appears at the ramp and Al Snow and everyone bring a cooler of beer for the guise in the ring. BUT SURELY YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT SHIT, HERE IS A VIDEO SHILLING HARDPIECEOFSHIT JUSTICE with the ECW Guise with flickery pictures from the ECW days and such.
TNA YAY: Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money should be HEADLINING TNA events at this point. I don't give a shit that they're a tag team. HEADLINING. AMW and Triple X headlined Turning Point 2004 with that Steel Cage match epic.
TNA BOO: Every other match.
TNA WTF: TNA: DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY SHILL AND/OR BUILD-UP TO A PPV EVENT? IN PARTICULAR A SPECIAL, ONE-TIME ONLY MAJOR SORT OF PPV EVENT?! No matches announced, except for the main event at the very last minute, featuring a MYSTERY OPPONENT... who is promptly revealed less than a minute later without ANY fanfare or clues or anything.
This one comes from an Alexander from Macedonia. Keep sending in exit-saying things, because I'm tired of pretending to care enough to think of one myself.
"Is it not a lovely thing to live with great courage, then to die leaving an everlasting fame?"
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).