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it's time for tna impact. unfortunately, my shift key broke because i dropped the keyboard in an attempt to prove a point to a troll on the internet. it seemed funny at the time, and looking back, it's still rather funny. i could replace my keyboard, but that would be conceding the original point.

so tna gets a new intro video thingy, which is more clear and less ''there's rain outside'' thing..

then it starts with kurt angle yelling at the mem backstage somewhere. then a special intro video for impact's 200th episode, featuring clips from pre-russo days and the like. just to remind you that tna used to not be a barrel of retard. it's going on overly long, actually. very overly long. more than half the video involves more current events and shit. okay, it's going on far too--- okay, show time..

lol, someone brought a sign saying ''lol wrestling'' on it..

laz0rz fire as the mem come out with everyone and their diddly-pewpewpew music. all the mem have girls of their own---kurt has his championship, booker has sharmin, steiner has traci brooks, nash has some random woman i've never seen before, and joe has taz. haha, see what i did there.

angle talks, and i fall asleep. wake back up and the video repeated itself the full 1.5 hours and coincidentally ended up right where i left off. angle says it's not good for business and ratings to cross the boss..



angle talks about reputations tarnished and a price to pay. then he calls out bobby lashley. zzzz. angle is not a good talker at all. he claims bobby lashley put said agreement in his toilet bowl and churned a bowel movement onto it. that's what ''take a big dump on it'' means, amirite/.

angle says lashley should come out or they'll go and find him and break him into a buncha pieces. he comes out anyway to his motor music that sounds rather like one of those generic songs from a wwe video game..

lashy now in the ring with a tna cap and a baseball bat. joe is like a monkey, ready to strike, while lashley does his promoing thing. he looks like a baseball player. it's funny how he said ''s'moa joe''. he said he wanted to be part of the group but then he saw what the group is about. he says they're not hungry anymore, while he is hungry. lashley would rather eat than wrestle with people who are full. this is rather gross..

bobby lashley says kurt can't buy bobby lashley, and angle starts screaming again, and says he can't be bought because he's young and stupid. he then claims the mem take up 75 percent of the tna payroll. burial.

lashley points out that angle said that tna can't go on without the main event mafia. lashley came out to make kurt an offer, and mick foley comes out all bang bang and such..

i'm so bored and my knee aches terribly. mick foley liked how bobby lashley beat up the main event mafia. foley wants angle to look into a specific camera so as to magically peer through the camera to tna management, and starts dropping management names, minus russo and mantell and jarrett and such. foley wants a tag team match with he and bobby lashely against kurt angle and kevin nash of all people, for both their titles. if someone pins kurtle, they win the tna championship, whereas if nashley is pinned, he loses that championship. way to secure angle not jobbing to anyone. foley says the mem will get 'monster' ratings if they beat them. little raggedy ass rats can be monsters, too..

angle starts yelling rabidly at lashley. he was too coherent to seem incoherent, but still. i'm bored..

i don't see how people can still cheer for tna with all this incoherent shit and boredom of theirs. kurt angle is as boring as jeff jarrett. i said it, so it's true. that's not even including the cripples of nash and foley..

hernandez comes out to a wiggly-biggly little bit of music that starts with some racist whistling sounds..

random commercial-area thoughts; i'm watching ''twilight'' now, because kev sanders told me not to..

samoa joe vs homicide-- not homicide.

back with the match and people chanting that joe gonna kill you. they start with some nothing, and joe kicks around on him. hernandez gets chopped on a few times, then suplex fail as hernandez proves to be the fatter and suplexes him instead. pinfail. hernandez does a cltohesline on joe in the corner but joe no-sells, and turns it into a rock bottom. nyukuh. sets up hernando for kicks on him, then a big spalsh..

pinfail on hernandez, and joe brings up for more chops. good god, can this fat piece of shit do anything other than kicks, chops, and suplexes/slams. he does a suplex then just to irk me. then he starts punching on him at the turnbuckle, irish whips only for hernandez to run at him, and get tossed over the rope, then slapped and kicked, and hernandez comes in to slingshot shoulderblock joe before he can run and do something..

hernandez then whips him and splashes onto the thing in the corner. whatever it is. he spinebusters, and pinfails. goes for a powerbumb but joe backdrops. joe backslams into him at the corner bar, then elbows and stuff. hernandez backflips up the turnthing, but joe kicks him, and goes for a top rope suplex but hernando tries to stop him, and manages to push him off with such a huge bump that the ring shakes. then a top rope splash from hernando for teh win..

winnar; hernandez, fans of destroying tag teams..

apparently joe is the ric flair of the company or something instead of just top ethnic mook, as they interview hernandez after the match and he says stuff about going to being the hispanic world heavyweight championship. knowing russo, i'd be world-endingly surprised if that happened..

backstage segment that shockingly doesn't suck. joe is angry and throwing shit around backstage and taz tries to calm him down. he sees the camera man and tells him to go away..

video package about abandoning the old ways or something. notable features include a two-second-long shot of nothing but brutus mangus wiggling his head..

now backstage bullshit from the blueprint of semen, matt morgan, talking about wanting to join the mem. he has scraped, clawed, and scratched for all his opportunities. just like a dog or cat. if he can beat aj smiles in a 3 out of 2 matches, he's in the main event... at hard justice. what..

jay bee being a douche and tells us to text to tna free of charge for some backstage news of sorts. likely mark shit. aj styles re-entering the world heavymeight champion picture in a match against matt freakin morgan. loltna. i don't know what he said. i was listening to it and literally understood nothing. then he talks about making eric young plead to be aborted in his mother's womb..

random commercial-area thoughts; i took a ''twilight'' guy quiz to see which twilight guy would be right for me. it turned out to be edward cullen. i'd better stock up on the aspirin, makeup, and bandages. see, cos he's abusive and stalky and hits people. or so i heard..

backstage now with bobby lashely and mick foley. i think bobby said he beat up bob saget. he has a faint lisp and it's not good for him. mick foley wasn't happy with himself after wictory road and bubby lashley made a splitsecond decision to apparently sign with tna and be mick foley's cuddle monkey. foley wants one of them to get one of the championships from the mem..

less wrestling, more video packages. this time, for the blueprint of bodily fluids, josh matt freakin morgan rayner and his semen..

now a match..

matt morgan vs aj styles, first match of a 3 series.

before the match even starts, we get yet another video package for aj styles. is this how they're celebrating their 200th episode/ fail..

random commercial-area thoughts; whenever a commercial has to distinguish itself by an odd sound or bit of music, it completely fails to advertise its product to me. example; i have heard and seen the commercial with the guy in the car who says ''watch me fly'' and proceeds to scream and have that scream clipped repeatedly. i still don't know what it's about. all i remember is the screaming being clipped constantly..

they fight, with aj trying a headlock, morgan getting free, and aj going for a headlock again. seriously, what use is a headlock in a fight. i've had it done to me before and it doesn't do anything but hold you still. one on one, what's the point. now a chinlock thing by aj, which is more at morgan's mouth. now a headlock sleeper thingy, and morgan slams aj on the turnbuckle..

aj punches after dodging moragn's charge, then runs and jumps at morgan only to have him grab him and try for a generic catapult, taunting him by saying ''get ready to fly''..

mike tenay stupidly says that aj has a surprising experience advantage here. i think he's just trying to cover for russo's mini-mcmahon big-n-tall fetish by making it seem like every guy over 30 and over 6 feet tall is somehow more experienced than aj. fail..

morgan taunted aj some, and di d a slam and such, then picked him up for a side slam, acted cocky, and just dropped him. aj gets slammed into the turnbuckle, then grabbed by Morgan for some kind of reverse chokeslam, and aj gets thrown on the turnbuckle and pinned for a fail. matt freakin morgan tries for a booty but gets his penis caught on the top rope somehow. aj chops at morgan after he comes loose, and now a dorpkick that morgan barely sells. run and aj gets another dropkick that morgan sells..

corner clothesline on aj, stops, measures, hits the flying forearm off the top. pinfail. reversed irish whip attempt gets aj knocked in the gut by matt morgan's knee. omfg, pele~111 now aj does a springboard 450 splish for teh win..

winnar; phenominal aj stiles.

backstage now with mini-chyna and lauren. the little whore man-voices it up about begging tna to be a part of their show. is she fucking serious. who writes this shit. are they aware that she is employed and should be put to work. traci brooks remarks about her dd tits, then says screw lauren and screw tna. lauren butthurts on her, and traci doesn't care. she says she's now property of the main event mafia, while showing a mem logo on the back of her sports bra. property, ooh sexy, bdsm..

random taylor wilde attack and traci says this business isn't for ladies, but for bitches like her. this reminds me of a mark madden article a long while back remarking how many divas in wrestling companies he's seen were basically road whores for the guys. scary..

video package for the horrible people vs tara..

earlier today with don west talking about tara in the wwe, and she says it was truly a dream but good things have to end. now she starts getting all shooty about talking about why she left the wwe. holy shit, she looks 20 years older from her last wwe appearance now. what's happening to her. was the wwe paying for magic pixie potion. tara watched oresum kung when she was in wwe and wanted to resu her, as she was the best. speaking of best, don west, bring up the beautiful people for some reason. west heels it up really great..

tara outright says slippery penis was being fucked by the beautiful people, and don west mentions family show and apologizes. tara says she did not go home and eat bon bons, while don west defends eating bon bons in small doses. don west says it's easy to finish things when you pull out a 17-legged 15 pound tarantula on people. he's awesome. she needs a gimmick, fast..

odb comes out for the first time in many months, as in without accompanying him to his faggy rednerk music. oh i like this show. it's so much fun, in that ''so bad it's horrible'' type of way..

odb w/ teh deaner, tara, awesome kong vs the horrible people.

mike tenay and don west are arguing hilariously about the odb controversy. tara starts with angelina, tie up and tara trie s apunch but misses completely. they trade punches and slaps and such. tara whips angelina and clotheslines. punches the other two people who come in. good god, the woman's punches are atrocious, even by ''divas'' standards. angelina gets her an dwhips, but gets it reversed and into a powerslam by tara, only to pinfail as the people run in and everyone else runs in to push them out. tara chokes on anglina..

tara now dominatoring angelina, hoisting her up for a scuup slam, and then pulling her up and angelina punches and rushes to tag in madison rayne. gets immediately failsauced by a dorp toe hold by tara. odb tagged in who kicks madison. lol mike tenay made the first penis joke regarding slick johnson, saying he's called that because of his bald head. odb took rayne high over head..

random commercial-area thoughts; slick johnson, as in a penis that is made slickened by its own fluids, or perhaps by a woman's fluids. ooh i'm nasty..

tara is in the ring somehow and tags in kong to completely murderate the others, and smack tara rather hard. oh hey, someone remembered the motor city machine guns still work for tna---they're in the crowd with signs. shelley says ''conspiracy victims'' and sabin says ''we still work here'' on their signs. russo, you fucking suck. meanwhile, kong has betrayed tara and is now beating the shit out of her outside with odb dominating the horrible people all alone..

the beautiful people are starting to dominate odb and such. snapmare by angelina love followed by a dorpkick. now mounted head punches on her. odb gets hung on the ropes and shouts ''get off me, you whore''. fuck wwe. velvet chokes at odb while the referee isn't looking. odb now being slowly and generically dominated by love, while she sexually teases cory deaner, while also mocking him and such. he gets up on the apron to distract the referee and yell at love..

angelina mocks deaner n such, but then he grabs her, and spike tv people freak out, only for him to kiss her. rape is okay, but beating on women isn't. odb sneaks up and pins her for the win..

winnar; odb, tara, and awesome kong. that's right, they're still officially in the match..

odb's shirt is slightly opened, and her tits are massive. considering she's pretty fat herself, it's neat..

random commercial-area thoughts; star trek: wrath of khan is severely overrated. Khan's the most pathetic star trek movie villain i've ever seen. all he ever did was get his doofy ass outsmarted and outfoxed by kirk and spock. nero committed genocide. which is greater than which. exactly. shut up..

video package for ee why ''betraying'' someone by joining a tna faction when he should be supporting tna. fuck russo. then they come out to the ring. brutal mange has the microphone, to introduce the leader of his piddling ''generic anti-american 'we are foreign, so hate us' faction'', eric young. child smoker comes on and says 'hey everybody. look at me, i'm the center of attention.' fag. he tries to do a heel promo and such, and says he's eric young the clown. look at this face, he says, and says 'who's laughing now'. me, that's who. he's funny looking..

growing up in canaja, he's heard stories about american. idiots chant 'u-s-a', because there's nothing more degrading to the us than chanting our initials at non-americans just to be jerkasses. every time someone does that, i get ashamed to be an american. but only for a little while. eric young realized he had to move to america to be an american pro wrestling star. he finishes a promo and they start chanting something incomprehensible. i think it's ''what the hello'' or ''shut the hello''. young puts on generic us-bashing. HE'S FIVE FUCKING YEARS TOO FUCKING LATE, RUSSO. FUCK YOU. yeah, i have capslocks. but would you rather me mutter my recap in low letters or shriek it all in caps..

young says they call the tna crowd racists, bigots, and pirates. one of these things is not like the other. eric young says the fault is zzzzzzzzz okay seriously, just copypasta any hart foundation/la resistance/the unamericans/team canada promo ever, dumb it down, and you have this. people chant ''go home eric'', as if he didn't live in the united states. he wins awesome points by claiming ''if you've been listening to me, i -am- home''. he will no longer be a dancing laughing marionette. he never was---he was a retard..

from here on in, eric young is gonna shave his own head with a razor. well, that's not what he said, but that's what he's doing. sieg heil. isn't that why skinheads shave their heads, to disconnect themselves from society and be their own people. that's what eric young is doing, ain't he..

team 3d comes out to 'tard it up with generic babyface ''if yew dun like uh-mayer-icuh well yew can giiiiit out'' only with a new yoak accent. funny story; i'm from brooklyn and i have a regular american accent. buh buh ray deadly does his stupid ''leave america if you hate it'' thing, completely misinterpreting what the whole ''freedom of speech'' part of the constitution's bill of rights means. fag. somehow, hearing ''devon, get the tables'' will be a reminder they live in america. what..

team 3d vs british.

sheik abdul jabbar gets tossed out of the ring after everyone else is cleared out by 3d..

random commercial-area thoughts; a man approached the universe and claimed, ''sir, i exist''. the universe replied, ''however, the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation''..

the match has ended up outside the ring, with them all brawling and shit. the british guy slams buh buh's face into the wall near the audience but he nosells and does the same to the british guy. he keeps brawling on him. devon is handling the roman turncoat. teh doug was about to hit buh buh, but suddenly acted drunk and buh buh escaped. what the fuck was that..

buh buh ends up in the ring with teh doug. right in the middle of the match it is learned that this is a tables match. buh buh does his lazy-ass elbow attack on all the world l33ts, then scoop slams one of the britons. they do wazzap, 9 years out of date, and prepare to get ahold of tables and such. eric young didn't even finish shaving his head, the white honky. devon gets a table, when big roid terry attacks but misses. fat-ass devon is too quick for roid terry. lol. table is set up and the britons pick up the 3d to prepare to put them against the table with sufficien force to break it..

double suplex on buh buh misses table when devoy moves it. clothesline one of them out of the ring. now its brutal mangus against devon, when big roid terry randomly appears and squats at the end of the ring. earl hebber predictably gets killed by devon, and big roid goes all the animal batista on everyone. picks up a table, and brutus starts to beat on devon again. but devon picks up teh brutal and powerbums him through the table..

scandal, dusty, eric young beats up devon and tosses him into the table wreckage while they pull the britons out. referee wakes up and sees this, and declares the britons the new tiny-belt champions, the britons. jee whiz, i wonder how those teeny little things would look sized up against one of roid terry's nipples..

winnar; british magnus and doug williams.

random commercial-area thoughts; seriously, who fucking dares say nero is not as great a villain as khan. both were pretty much exactly the same in terms of being originally good guys who were wronged and out for revenge, potentially gone crazy, and with a neat bit of fun acting for them. except what did khan do but slit a few throats on a space station, steal a potentially world-ending device, and then instead of run away to actually use it, run head-first blind into a nebula to get his dumb ass owned by spock and kirk..

in comparison, nero committed genocide. nero imploded a big fucking planet with more than six billion people on it. that's not even including the THOUSANDS more he would have gotten from the klingon warbirds he blew up, and the federation ships he crushed over vulcan. fuck khan. even kirk didn't give a shit about khan. he just gave a little khan scream to humor khan, then was totally smirky and in control the rest of the movie. in comparison, kirk and spock were very extremely serious about nero..

back with a video package of tna being at comic-con and putting on a show. as a pointless afterthought, they mention kurt angle and christie hemme were there..

backstage with stevie richards. 50,000 dollars, he says. i don't know why. he pulls off his shirt to show us some bruises. 50,000 dollars is apparently the bounty he's putting out on chris abyss. he says chris will be treated like an animal. for my own amusement towards that statement, i bring you this:

update on the training sessions with rhino and jesse neal; rhino yells at neal and beats him up, neal continues to be a failure in rhino's eyes, video package is interrupted midway through for some backstage bullshit..

jay bee where booker t and scott steiner rush into mick foley's office and kill foley and lashley. ohw-security guards come in and take them away, only for angle to hilariously skid in and hit lashley with a metal pipe. one of them clearly shouts 'lashley's out cold'.

random commercial-area thoughts; arabs.

now steiner and booker are beating up on beer money. the lights go out for no reason, then we're back to the arena. wut. kurt angle comes out to his own music but kevin nash doesn't..

kurt angle and kevin nash vs ... ....

no one comes out to either person's music. west hilariously states that the mem is worried, despite them looking sleazy and happy and such. they're about to announce the two as still champions, but foley's music hits again.

vs mick foley.

they attack him on the ramp, and he's practically limping and beats them both up. they stay outside while foley is in the ring. they wait, and now angle attacks foley, while people chant they want lashley. foley beats on kurt angle, slamming his head into turnbuckles. foley attacks kurt with his arm going 'adah adash dash dash dash' when kevin nash attacks from behind. then he slowly gets out of the ring while angle starts punching on foley..

now they are outside, with foley taking punches to kurt, and nash comes to slowly hit foley from behind slowly with his slow elbow slow. angle slams foley's shoulders onto the steel steps a few times. foley rolled back into ring and tags in kevin nash, who then elbows foley. then he puts him on the turnbuckle slowly, and starts kneeing him in the gut. the camera tries to zoom in really quickly each time he hits foley, but gives up after a while..

nash now picking him up again and elbowing and punching. slow. angle tagged in and attacks foley. now foley caught for german suplex, but his fatness saves him. foley now kicks angle, and does a double arm ddt. what the fuck ''implant style'' mike tenay. what does that even mean. foley brings out totally not mr socko, and does a mandible claw on kurt angle..

kevin nash comes in and attacks him. angle gets foley in an ankle lock, and omfg bobby lashley comes out. well, not really, i'm just guessing. still in the lock, and foley is almost out. he's dragging himself to the ropes but angle pulls him back and holds him down harder when omfg the lights go out and sting's music plays..

sting randomly appears when the lights come on. well not yet, but i'm guessing. oh shitnits, foley is gone and sting is in the audience. lights go out again, and bobby lashley appears again to beat up on angle. omfg, kevin nash just stands there watching angle be beaten to shit. fucking idiot. lashley has a funnylooking bandage around his head..

foley pins nash and becomes new legends champion.

winnar; bobby lashley and mick foley + new legends champion.


downbeat moments deserve nothing special; well... everything else, i think. the generic anti-american faction is so stale and played out, it shouldn' teven be dignified with an ass whipping. samoa joe seems to be less mobile than he used to be. kevin nash seems more mobile than usual, and that's just from standing around watching his ally getting shitkicked..

You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead..

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com.

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).