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TNA IMPACT
REPORT
(07/29/10)
by ANDARIEL HALO

HEY TNA! The show I almost forgot to recap. I notice last week I had little in the way to say of depth beyond stupid comments regarding Dixie Carter and the ECW bunch last week. But after taking some time to wait and think, I've come up with an opinion all by myself---cobbled together from the thoughts of others:

Mikey Whipwreck wrote:

"For the record, I have no intentions of doing the TNA PPV. I'm happy for guys that are doing it but it's nice to see the little bingo hall company everyone 'blew off' back in the days as 'insignificant' is called upon every time business is in the toilet."

Bob Bamber of WZ wrote:

"I see no scenario with this show (good or bad) where the company can benefit long term. If the product is booked well, you will do two things. One you'll attract people to a product that isn't yours. And secondly, what does this show going well do for current TNA talent?

For people like Desmonde Wolfe, Jay Lethal, The Pope – three people who should be being pushed to the mountains by TNA right now. Congratulations lads, you've been outdrawn by a bunch of guys twice your age who were barely relevant the first time ECW was resurrected 5 years ago"

And from my personal wrestling garbage hero, Mark Madden:

"The end of TNA Impact cemented Dixie Carter’s legacy as one of the very dumbest people to ever be involved with wrestling.

Dixie Carter went into the ring and, surrounded by one mid-level star and four scrubs, devalued her own company’s brand name for the sake of a promotion that has, for all intents and purposes, been dead since 2001...

Guys like Kurt Angle are going to take a back seat to this nonsense. That shouldn’t happen. Not even for one night.

The comparison between ECW and TNA was totally silly…with one exception. Like ECW, TNA exists on the principal of someone who knows something about wrestling sucking a money mark DRY. But Paul E. did that with the ambition of ultimately rising above it. No such ambition can be spotted at TNA.

Hey, have fun. I will. I’m having fun right now as I think of Dixie Carter smiling broadly during “Hard Justice” as TNA fans chant a brand name owned by Vince McMahon.

"The chosen begin their path towards greatness. The ill-fated are doomed from the beginning. The unfortunate devour themselves, searching for annihilation." Makes a nice epitaph, doesn’t it?"


Speaking of a weak tie-in of copy-pasta opinions of others at the start of my recap with the guys associated with another company at the start of a TNA show, here be the ECW guise in the ring! Tommy Dreamer here says he been here 8 weeks and it's never been louder than now, and there's been a lot of buzz and they getting ready for HARDCORE JUSTICE.

He knows there's a lot of buzz about the 8th, and first off, due to some legal complications with the alphabet due to some certain letters (HURRDURRRR THEY CAN'T SAY "ECW" COS IT'S OWNED BY SOMEONE ELSE) so they're going to call themselves EV2.0, which Dreamer says is pretty basic... which is in fact NOT pretty basic at all. What the hell does "EV" stand for? "Extra-vehicular"? "Extraneous violation?" "Extreme Violence"? The last one is probably more likely, but is just stupid.

MEANWHILE there's something going on... and they go to Devon. He doesn't know what's going on with HIM. So he's gonna call HIM out right now and settle this. Bruther Ray comes out all smug with the sunglasses for added win. Devon says "You and I have had our differences. Let's put all that aside. The differences between him and Jesse and etcetera. But this, the ECW doods, are their family, and where it all began. These are the guise who've had their back since day one.

No. There ain't no Big Dick, Dances-With, Little Spike, Sign Guy, or Dudley amongst their group. Tommy's all like "Bubba, bubba, Bubba, serious" OMFG SRSLY! "Enough. This is somethin' bigger. This is your favorite rock band, Kiss, getting the original band members together, putting the makeup on, forgetting the political stuff, and doing it one more time for the fans. One last night to say 'thank you' to everyone who supported them."

Mick Foley gets on to be all like "Brother Ray!" and then "With you or without you, we're gonna have one hell of a show. But in my humble, hardcore opinion, the show's gonna be this much better with your willing participation" while showing a small size with his fingers, indicating very little. Foley then says Bruther's made a lot of mistakes, and choosing not to do this show will be something he regrets more than anything, and he wants them in OUR ring.

OMFG from behind, The Taz appears at the commentator table with a microphone and says "Just do it, man." in a camera angle that has Tenay looking like a rather fat David Carradine. So Brother Ray gets in the ring and confronts Devon and some asshole int he crowd shouts "GIVE HIM A HUG!" Bruther Ray's like "Just answer me one question... Are we gonna light somebody on fire?" and everyone's all happyfacepants and chanting "E-V-2.0" so Ray's like "What duh hell, sounds like fun, I'm in". Hugs all around. EXTREEEEEME HARDCOOOOORE!

Speaking of faggotry, here be genericized nWo music and out comes Hulk Hogan to remind everyone who's in control here. He gets in the ring and says "Looks like you guise are gonna ride again and that's real cool man, and I'm glad you're doing it in TNA"

But if he woulda known, he would have had a few extra surprises, guise! Quick shot to Dixie Carter in the crowd looking like a fool with her pants on--- I mean, money mark. Hogan says he gets this whole "hardcore" thing, and talks about how Dixie said these guise were to the 90s what Hogan was to the 80s.

Carter, you DO realize Hogan was still wrestling in the 90s and his ego was still inflating back then, too. Hogan lies out his bleach-blonde mouthhole about how he missed it and wished he coulda seen it and no one does it better than ECW guise. So Eric and he have a speshul surprise, and Eric will tell everyone the surprise later tonight.

Speaking of surprise, it's Abyss! Remember him? He did buttfuck nothing last week and made what amounted to cameo appearances for the past 3 weeks before that? And somehow he's supposed to be hunting for the TNA World Championship. Abyss says THEY are not happy, and THEY are downright pissed off, because this little extreme reunion was never apart of THEIR plan. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!~! And they hold one person solely responsible---not you, Tommy Dreamer, although your time will come!---the one person THEY hold solely responsible is YEEWWW DIXIE CARTER!

MORE TV TIEM FOR DIXIE CARTER! Hogan couldn't care less what THEY say. As far as he's concerned, Abyss should hit the road, dewd, and find a nice comfortable shrink's office.

LOL WUT! DOCTOR STEVIE WUT! DOCTOR STEVIE CURRENTLY IN THE RING WUT! FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS STORYLINE AS USUAL WUT!?

Abyss say he gonna kill Tommy Dreamer or something. I missed it. And he's gonna poop on their party and say there will be no Hardcore Justice, and Hogan says HE'S A GUEST like that would make a difference somehow. Tommy says he would love to fight Chris Abyss, TONIGHT! YOU!

People chant "CENA", or something. It sounded like "CENA" for a bit. So Dreamer will do it tonight.


Random Commercial-area Thoughts: None for now. U mad, brah?
Backstage, the Beautiful People, where Lacey yells at Velvet, and Madison comes in so they can be like WUT WUT and Madison's like they're not gonna succeed if they aren't like BFF's, and how they've been on top of this division since tehy put the team together.

I know for a fact TNA cares for history the way you care about how neutrinos can induce nuclear fission within objects (namely stars) of extremely dense nuclei, but wasn't it Madison Rayne who was essentially ENSLAVED by Angelina Love and Velvet Sky and FORCED to do their sexy dykey bidding before they mind-controlled her into a full-fledged member?

Velvet says maybe their whole anger at her has something to do with Madison saying she don't need them anymore, or her adding a fourth member without their consultation, or teaming with Sarita. Lacey mumbles nonsense, while Velvet keeps shouting at her. Madison gives shitty excuses, but anyway says she's sorry a bunch. FOIN FOIN FOIN Velvet will be peacemaker, truce, etcetera. Meanwhile:

Sarita w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Angelina Love

The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Angelina Love

True gender equality means equal shares of my total apathy for blatant squash matches. Speaking of total apathy, here be Eric Young backstage, apparently on his own again, and Orlando Jordan. He's acting all wacky talking about them having matching helmets... and he wears a lamp on his head or something. Orlando yells at him and says he's all weird and if he's on something. Eric Young says he's a little messed up on rum candy...

Really? We're doing this "Retarded Eric Young" thing again? Hot fuck on a stick...

He 'tards it up on the camera, talking about how EXCITING it is (to actually be on TV again) and how there's millions (0.9 million) of people watching, and Orlando Jordan calls him mentally challenged. He says he would never challenge a mentalist. He says he got kicked in the head, dropped off the top rope, and he's not well right now. He's bringing backup, meanwhile. Likely to get themselves disqualified. Orlando says "Really. Absolutely amazing. And they say -I- have problems"

Fun fact: Orlando Jordan actually looks like a normal person now.

Apparently this Retarded Eric Young gimmick has been appearing on TNA SPLOSION! Get on reporting that shit, Rob Brown, you brown bastard.

Ink, Inc. w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Orlando Jordan and Eric Young

Speaking of arbitrary and pointless 'weirdness', Orlando Jordan, chewing bubblegum, pulls it out and forces it politely on So Cal Val's lips. Eric Young then wanders out with a mannequin over his shoulder.

Must I? Do I have to recap this match? Please? Mercy? I'll suck your dick. No? You gay? Fine.

Orlando grasps Neal and beats him down, then elbows him as he tries to rise. Then he knees him a bunch. When he picks him up, Neal gets up, and attacks, only for Jordan to elbow him down. Hey, this is the first time he's done moves that don't focus entirely on one part of the opponent's body! He knees him a bunch, then chokes him. When he getsup, he's snapmared by Orlando, then put in some kind of sleeper hold thing which he wiggs out of.

He then does a swinging neckbreaker on Jesse, then gets down on him, seemingly to punch him... then gets to punching him, but not after we get shots of Ee Why dancing with the mannequin, then extending the mannequin's hand out to be tagged in. Ass. Meanwhile, Orlando Jordan gets taken down by Neal, and tags in Shannon Moore, so that Orlando can tag in Eric Young... who gets on the top rope...

And throws the mannequin at Shannon Moore...

I'm sorry, it's just too vicious to watch. It's leg SHATTERS and comes off. It was a lot like Sid Vicious's break, but over 9000 times more sickening because it happened RIGHT NOW! Also, its arm came off somehow. Orlando is super pissed at Eric Young's faggotry, and the Ink Inc double dropkick him, then a Mooregasm, and pinwin, while Eric Young does stupidity.

WINNAR: Inkink

Eric Young does the X sign for referees to help or whatever. Honestly, what difference does it make? It lost an arm and a leg. It's dead, Jim.


Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Why is that old bartender lady calling up a guy's boss and pretending to be him to get out of work? Shouldn't she be pretending to be the doctor? This is why I shouldn't watch commercials and think.

Ric Flair is in the ring with his band of jobbers, and wonders if we can smell something. It's called what he's coo-- I mean, it's excitement. Also, he knows and Jay Lethal knows that Flair is a wrestling god and a wrestling genius, and next week it's Lethal vs Flair and it's not hardcore, it's a street fight to the end. That's a good place to stop. NO RULES~! Knowing that he's prepared to bleed and sweat and pay the price of a wrestling lifetime. "My smallest black brother" he calls Lethal, then restates it to let us know he indeed just said that, sucka.

Meanwhile, FOURTUNE! Welcoming to the group: Beer Money. You know, when forming a big-ass New Age Four Horsemen-type group, it's kind of a bad idea to have there be TRYOUTS for the group and have the two main men LOSE them miserably... then have them join his group anyway. Although Beer Money weren't the jobbers, Robert Roode says he knew it was only a matter of TIEM before the greatest tag team joined the greatest group in wrassling.

So how fitting is it that Beer Money will job tonight to the Murder City Machine Guns in a steel cage match so they can NOT win the Tag Team championships for the fourth time evar! Because come on... Honestly. Best of 5 matches do NOT end with one team winning 3 in a row. KAZ says what we are are NOT an angry gang of rookies (HURRDURRR WWE NEXUS JAB), but four SEASONED veterans in the TNA GALAXY (HURDURRR WWE UNIVERSE JAB)

You know, that actually makes them look bad; WWE is actually pushing some rookies with the Nexus, while TNA is pushing "veterans". Even though these "veterans" are TNA Originals, who are ALWAYS rookies, regardless of how long they been in TNA. AJ talks about his GLobal Chapmouonship and he gonna defend it everywhere. He says he'll defned it in India and such.

He then completely goes back on that by saying this isn't the GLOBAL title, cos GLOBAL doesn't draw ratings (lolwut) this is the TELEVISION Title! You know, like WCW! You know, the company that sucked and died? We're like them, hurrdurr!!!

Meanwhile, tonight, Kazarian is facing someone. I honestly didn't hear who he mentioned. Meanwhile, FOURTUNE will be doing stuff around and they're running all night long, and learn to love their prostituting. Ric Flair music hits as his promo winds down. A few self-indulgent WOO's, and they done. BUT OH NOESZ Kirk Angel's music hits~1

He emerges on his special ramp, all firey like and says "AJ, I'm glad to hear that you will honor that title. But it's important for you to know that I need to honor my committment as well, which means climbing the ladder here in TNA and eventually winning the TNA World Heavyweight title. Unfortunately, AJ; you're next in line. Oh it's real, it's damn real."

Commercials later and its time for yet another obvious job.

Third Match Cage Match
Beer Money w/ Jobber non-entrance vs Motor City Machine Gunnaz (C)

Gunnaz climb up the cage while the Beer Moneys aren't looking, then jump on them for some high flying antics and such. They then toss James Storm into one of teh cage walls, and then toss Roode into another wall, and he bounces off rather rapidly, making it look a bit awkward, so he takes a long dive. Double team typical Murder Guns antics on James Storm, then some Poetry in Motion-type movings on Robert Roode's face. Roode then blades and is bleeding while the Shelley beats on Storm, and the others go onto the apron against the cage for a tag team type match.

Shelley kicks Storm away to do a top rope move, but Roode nudges him and Storm brings him down. Then he slams him into the turnbuckle. James Storm tags in Robert Roode, despite bleeding heavily, and they do a weak double team on Shelley. Then Roode punches him down some, and tags in Storm again, so they can try a better double team move. Storm ducks, so Storm can scoop slam him aftrer an irish whip, then both elbow drop him one then another, after bouncing off the ropes for BONUS EXTRA DAMAGE!~

Roode now tagged in again to snapmare and chinlock on Robot Shelley. But since HURDURWWE HAWH, he breaks out and ends up high dropkicking Roode away. THen he tries to jump over him but Roode catches him, preventing him from tagging and slams him into the corner, putting him on the top rope to wrestle a bit with him up there, with Shelley taking control for a top rope hurricanrana.

And since this actually seems like a GOOD idea, I'll mention their pimping out of TNA Fandimonium out on DVD now featuring the best of Beer Money and Motor City Guns, who speaking of which are now in control as Sabin gets in and beats down both Beer Moneys, then double kicks both of them from the top rope. He then picks up Storm and slams him into Roode on the turnbuckle, and puts him in a backdrop position only to put him on Roode and let him drop into a tree of woe while on Roode. He then runs and kicks Roode in the face, and runs to do a diving dropkick on Storm, then do a Sliced Bread on Storm while kicking off on Roode.

Pin gets 2 as Roode mmanages to break it up. Shelley runs in to try to sliced bread Roode, but Roode shoves him onto the top. He then climbs up with him, but Shelley smacks his bloody face into the cage, and Roode keels over onto the mat. Shelley then double footstomps off him, which actually completely missed his chest, but did scrape along his arm, which if you've ever felt shoe rubber scrape along your arm, HURTS FUCKING HELL FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Meanwhile Storm attacks Shelley a bit, and Sabin jumps off onto Roode for a Hurricanrana, and ends up slammed onto the cage, then turned around and powerbombed with Storm's help. Pin gets 2. The Beer Moneys try to escape, but Shelley gets between them and smacks them around, then trips up ROode, and does a top rope jawbreaker off the ropes onto Storm. Sabin then ends up at the top of the cage, and jump crossbodies on both Beer Moneys. Assloads of people in the front are bouncing around screaming and such, including BLACK PEOPLE!

Sabin holds Roode for a double team thing with Shelley on the top rope, but Storm attacks with a beer bottle... only to smack Roode with it. Sabin then lets Storm take Roode's place, adn they double team him down and pinwin.

WINNAR: Motor City Machine Guns

Right after a commercial, to kill the goodness of a match, it's Mist---

No wait, it's Matt Morgan, coming out to Anderson's music and entrance, all mocking of him! OMFG PSYCHE! PSYCHE, BITCH! PSYCHE! The Taz kind of likes it, saying it adds to the swagger and arrogance of Morgan, and it's a page out of Anderson's book, as Anderson's done it before. HIM AND EVERY SINGLE HEEL IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING EVER. Jesus Doodicles.

Morgan poses and waits for the microphone... then starts yelling up at the guy who drops the microphone, and poses again for it to come down. Which it does, slowly, staggeringly. Leaving Morgan to jump up and grab it. He breathes heavily into it, and goes all "Ladies and Gentlemen... it is MY HONOR to INTRODUCE TO YOU, A MAN WHO STANDS AT AN ASTONISHING DAMN NEAR... EIGHT FEET TALL! HE WEIGHED IN THIS MORNING AT A BONECRUSHING TH--FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY FOUR AND ONE QUARTER POUNDS! HE HAILS FROM THE MEAN STREETS OF FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT! He is the DNA OF TNA, THE MVP OF SPIKETV, THE BLUEPRINT MATT MOORRRGAN"

More heavy breathing, tells them to wait for it. Some The Rock-style head adjustments, then "MOOOORGAAAN"

For some odd reason, Morgan's music hits again, and presumably some guy imitating his entrance appears. Oh wait, it's Anderson, and that's his own music. You see, I dislike him so much I disconnected him. Anderson jerks it up, then grabs his own microphone EASILY! And WATCH THIS one more time! He throws it up, it stays up, then he does some jackassy poses and taunts, and it comes down for him again. Easy. He dunno what Morganite's problem was; it's easy, right?! EEEASUUUYY!

So Anderson comes into the ring to babyface-it-up in the mdist of this stereotypical thing. Morgan says he finds it a LITTLE BIT ironic that this steel mic right here was the very thing that left him in a pool of his own blood! The resident loudmouth of TNA has nothing to say about that?! More mocking and laughing at Anderson, and says he's all amd now and he wants to take out Matt Morgan, teh big bad wolf! So Morgan will bend over for him (Ay, que sexy) and let Kenny knock him in the jaw. But he knows he won't, so why don't he nut up, grow a pair, and bop him one?

While Morgan heels it up, Kenneth obviously drops to his knees and bops Morgan in the penis. Morgan keels over and Anderson nutsacks it up by being all douchey, then punches up Morgan's head. He then mockingly yells in Morgan's face, prompting Morgan to grab his face and push him over, and start stomping up on him. The microphone is nearby, so he uses it to choke Anderson with the cord.

Because I'm the smartest person in the ever, I see this coming; Jeff Hardy's music hits and he comes on down to make the save. Main eventer what? NOW security comes on down to break it up. I always wonder... why do these guise, securityu and wrestlers, always take so long to help stop beatdowns and break up fights?

Out of nowhere, D'Lo Brown, Al Snow, and Pat Kenney come out to break it up. Apparently the "security" are some indie wrestlers or whatever, and are being told off by the ECW Guise. According to internettings, these security guise are some NWA nobodies.

Backstage Christy Hemme yells at Hardy and Anderson all like WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE! Anderson says some security guise who have been training in the wrestling business for 10 years and settled for security wanted to get themselves seen, so CONGRATULATIONS, THEY GOT IT! So tonight, they get to face JEFFREY NERO HARDY and Anderson Anderson. And make sure to bring that seven foot goof with you. Who? Honestly, who?

Kazarian vs Freaky Rob Terry

The referee senses SHENANIGANS and orders AJ Styles to go to the back. Bell rings and KAAZ dropkicks Big Roid from behind. Punches him up, but he HOSSES UP and shoves Kaz away. A dropkick fails to move him, and he runs around nly for the Freak to chokeslam him and win.

WINNAR: Big Rob Terry

I could have just passed that off as a squish match. But I have some protocols, you know.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Star Trek Deep Space Nine's "In the Pale Moonlight" is the best Star Trek episode ever and anyone who hates it is a communist (no seriously, because it involves going against the pseudo-communist vision of the Federation) or a retard or a peace-loving surrendermonkey.

Matt Morgan and Security Guards vs Jeff Hardy and Anderson Anderson

They start with some guy they call MURPHY, and Morgan just idly tags himself in right away. Now Anderson Anderson comes in so they can start. They circle around, them Morgan tags in Captain Murphy. He then tags in the other guy. Don't know his name. They lock up and ANderson headlocks him, because he cannot wrestle. Bounced off, and Anderson shoulderblocks THAT GUY down. He then gets caught in an almost Monkey Flip, but Anderson swerves it about for a spinny drop thing and pin gets 2. Anderson locks a weird-looking submission on him, but he breaks out and tags in Murph Murph.

He punches up on Anderson, then shoulderblocks him all hoss-like. Rollup gets to nothing, and Anderson shoves Murphy away to tag in Hardy. Irish whip and Poetry in Motion on him is bounced back when Captain Murphy clotheslines him in mid-air. He then tags in the tattooed guy to chuck HJardy into a corner, only to get countered and hit with a Whisper in the Wind. Pin gets 2. Anderson in now to be all smug and slick and punches Tattooed guy, irish whips him, and Morgan intentionally distracts the referee so Murphy Brown can choke on Anderson, but Hardly attacks him and frees Anderson.

Morgan wanders around outside and tattoo guy chokes on Anderson. Apparently Morgan is leaving, cos he don't give a shit. Jeff tags himself in as Anderson hits his Mic Check, and Hardy does a Kenton Bomb for pinwin.

WINNAR: Jeff Hardy and Matt Anderson

Backstage, Christy Hemme catches up with Hulk Hogan while he's texting, yo. Hogan's like tonight Eric's gonna announce an SORPRISE and Hogan's like "I gotta go to New York for a meeting" and such. HAY WAIT A MINUTE, WWE OPERATES NEAR NEW YORK AND TNA DOESn'T AT ALL WTF SHENANIGANS~!?

In the ring meanwhile, Eric Bischoff is out with his random secretary fuckmeat. Eric says the end always hangs on the beginning. In that case, everyone take out a pen---he takes his out of Miss Secretary's fake tit cleavage. Now, August 12th, or 10th, I forgot, you're gonnna see something special. That woman over there, Dixith Carter, inspired and motivated him. Of course, he smugs it up all like BRINGING BACK MICK FOLEY AFTER I FIRED HIM? OF COURSE THE RIGHT THING TO DO! Since Dixie Carter can give back to the fans, so can Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan. Where's our refund?

Meanwhile, the guise at Spike, who believe so much in TNA, they threatened to pull the plug if they don't shape up the sagging ratings, agreed for Eric to bring PAY PER VIEW QUALITY MATCHES RIGHT HERE TO iMPACT!

Wow, way to shit all over HARDGORE JUSTICE by giving it away for free just a few days later. Abyss randomly comes out, because it's been a while since he's done anything on TV.

He snatches the microphone and is all like "I just got done speaking to THEM, and THEY want ME to make the main event for that night!" THEY have given him a BLUEPRINT (OF FAILURE)! It involves himself, a fifteen foot ladder, Ar Vee Dee, and his girl Janice. And what they gonna do according to THEIR blueprint (OF FAILURE) they're gonna hang Janice up there, and RVD and Abyss are gonna have EXTREEEME match evar, and climb the ladder to grab Janice and rip flesh off RVD's gluteus maximus.

THEY have told him that YEW BISCHOFF are theonly one who can make it happen. Bischoff is like ALRIGHT ALRIGHT YOU GOT IT I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN! And Abyss breathes heavily on him and says You chose wiselyyyy. Just to be a cunt anyway, he's like "You know what, Bischoff? You're okay with me. But my girl Janice, she doesn't forget a few weeks ago when you BITCHSLAPPED ME! SO MY GIRL JANICE IS GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT A REAL BITCH IS.

Before he can cunt it up, Rob Van Dam comes RUNNING (I KNOWS< SHOCKSING) and beats up on Abyss. Rob Van Dam presses him into a corner, then runs at him to dropkick the chair in his face. But somehow Abyss takes control and throws RVD into the metal barricade and such. Abyss now eyes Dixie Carter, moronic money mark that she is, and points at her all like "WUT!" while beating on Rob Van Dam some more.

But OH NOESZ it's the Three Stooges, Al Snow, D'Lo Brown, and Pat Kenny to fend him off with a steel chair. Al Snow jacks Janice while the other two bring RVD out. Some random generic music hits. No fucking idea who. Oh wait, it's Tommy Dreamer. And he's wearing big, thick-ass gloves. I forgot about this match. IT'S SURE TO BE A CLASSIC OMFG~111!!

Tommy Dreamer vs Abyss

After commercials, Tommy Dreamer is throwing weapons in the ring, then smacks Abyss's head with a trashcan lid a bunch. Then he poses and seems about to do something but Abyss lifts him up and drops his penis on the metal barricade. The Monster then gets a chair to wedge against turnbuckle. Tommy Dreamer then smacks him with a garbage can, and tries to Russian Leg Sweep him, but Abyss sideslams him into a trashcan.

Abyss then hits him with a cookie sheet thing. Then he hits with a kendu stick. To fill in the time of nothing happening, TENAY tells us that NEXT WEEK'S MATCH OF THE WEEK FEATURING THE BEST WRESTLERS IN TNA PART 4 OF THE 5 PART TOURNAMENT will be an ULTIMATE SEX MATCH. Or X. Whichever. Abyss tried to chokeslam Dreamer, but he bounces away and bounces off the ropes and knocks him down. Then he runs from a corner to clothesline him down. Pin gets 2.

Abyss then gains control again and chucks Tommy into the steel chair in the turnbuckle. Abyss puts a chair on Tommy, then gets on the top rope, but Dreamer drops him like he's accelerated in temperature, and drops him into a Tree of Woe. He smacks him with a kendo stick, then puts a trash can by his head, and VINTAGE DREAMER coming up as he does the ECW thing (OH NOESZ LAWSUIT) and runs to sliding dropkick it.

Dreamer then reaches under and gets a big wooden board with barbed wire glued onto it. I know what that is, it's at Home Depot all the time! TYommt tries to lift up Abyuss, but he kicks his legs out. Some wrasslin, then he gets dropped with tha clothesline. Tommy Dreamer ends up in the corner and Abyss points at him all Hulk Hogan like with people going YOU!

And hey, guy who e-mailed me that Hogan never said YOU!: NO ONE FUCKING GIVES A FUCKING SHIT THE SAME WAY RIC FLAIR NEVER SHOUTED "WOO" WHEN CHOPPING PEOPLE! Also, ENJOY SOME EXTRA FAME, WHOEVER YOU ARE!

So it backfires and Tommy Dreamer knocks him ass down, where Abyss missed hitting him with Janice. He then set up Janic against the turnbuckle and irish whips Abyss, but Abyss catches himself. Tommy runs at him with garbage can, and Abyss punches it in. Then he chokeslams Dreamer into the barbed wire woodboard and pinwins.

WINNAR: Abyss

So while Abyss tries to use Janice, some big fat Ian Rotten looking guy appears to Raven's music. He runs in with a chair and appears to fight Abyss. In a move even a supergenius idiot like me saw coming, Raven attacks Tommy Dreamer instead, and DDT's him into a chair. Also, he licks him a bunch. Anyone who didn't see that coming is NOT an ECW fan. I mean, come on. That's like wondering why Stone Cold Steve Austin would attack Vince McMahon or why Mick Foley or The Rock would kill the shit out of Triple H.

Anyway, it ends.

TNA YAY: Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money are making TNA watchable again.

TNA BOO: Blatant squash matches that feature obvious endings and stupid booking.

TNA WTF: WTF WITH ERIC YOUNG!?~!!?

No one sent me any suggestions for the this part because they were all crap, so I'll just jack Raven's quotation for this week.

"The chosen begin their path towards greatness. The ill-fated are doomed from the beginning. The unfortunate devour themselves, searching for annihilation."

Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

 
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).