It's action pants time with TNA iMPACT! Fun thing to say; it seems like my Thursdays/Fridays are awful, godawful, frightening, terrifying, horrifying, mystifying, gelatinizing, and then when I do these recaps, it's all great and fun and awesome again!
TNA iMPACT! It saves lives. Somehow.
Every time I start up one o these things, I think "Oh no, this is gonna be the worst iMPACT recap I ever do" and then I finish it and I'm like "This is the greatest iMPACT recap I've ever done! Except for the last few dozen"
It starts with pictures of that PPV that ended and such. I must say I was horrified and shocked that it wasn't Kevin Nash as "Oz" who turned out to be Samoan Joe's mentoring. Instead it turns out to be The Tazz? What? He was just commentating on ECW like a week ago! A week ago before the last time I saw ECW, that is. Where were the signs? Where was the evidence?
The Taz starts talking, and I wonder why I'm watching ECW. The Taz was sitting home one night and flipped on TNA, and said it took him back a decade, and he saw the second coming of Taz. In the form of Samoa Joe. He said even though The Taz and The Joe had much in common they had one major difference: 7 inches and 150 pounds in size difference. I mean, remorse. Taz had none in ECW. Taz says being over with the boys in the back doesn't win championships or make money.
To quash it now and here and then: TAZ WILL NOT FUCKING WRESTLE! This is not a Mick Foley case---I heard from good sources (Taz) that Taz has only 40% motion of his neck, and his right arm is constantly numb every day. He's fucked up. Worse than Angle.
Meanwhile, Peter the Taz promises Joe will be the next X Division championship. Taz does his SURVIVE IF (HE) LET(S) YOU catchphrase, and Joe is immediately out all Taz-looking. Wonder why that is? Oh right, that was already revealed.
Samoan Joe vs X Champion Homicide
Say ya'll, did you all hear that Slammiversary drew only 7,000 buys? For comparison, Wrestlemania 25 drew around 900,000 buys, ECW One Night Stand 2005 drew around 350,000, and December to Dismember, largely considered a failure, drew 180,000ish. Mark Madden, my WrestleZone hero, says the entire TNA Creative should be fired for this, because it clearly shows they are artards who cannot draw shit. Why must all the best and truest statements also be the most "you're an idiot little anarchist-wannabe teenager rebelling against your parents and stupidly believing the government was behind JFK, 9/11, the Moon, and Battlefield Earth" type statements?
Oh yeah, match starts. Joe kneeing on Homicide, and irish whips and gets a tilt-a-whirl sideslam which fails and is reversed by Homicide, irish whip and he armdrags, pinfail by Joe and Joe tries to kick Homicide but kicks air as Homicide rolls out of the ring. Joe goes for a suicide dive, but Homicide runs in and Joe manages to catch himself and stay standing, only for Homicide to suicide dive on him. He kind of rolled off Joe's back. Homicide throws Joe in.
Irish whip by Homicide on Joe, Joe shoves him off, Homicide tries again and gets standing-Rock Bottomed by Joseph. Samoan pulls Homicide up for a punchy, then another, then pulls him up to do that kick he failed last time. Big-ass knee dorp on his face. I think I'd cry every day if I could barely move my neck and felt constant numbness in my right arm. Though my right knee provides plenty of nonstop pressure and pain to make life uncomfortable.
Samoa Joe does an abdominal strotch. Taz looks lovingly upon Joe in the ring as the two make eye contact, and then Homicide breaks out, tries a clothesline, but Joe is too fat to sell it. Again, and again. A third attempt, but this time a corkscrew elbow which succeeds. Arm wrench by Homicide and an irish whip that gets Homicide to smack against Joe, then a tornado DDT from the turnbuckle. Twopin. Homicide tries a Rock Bottom, but Joe reverses into a Taz-looking-plex Tazplex. Homicide gets his face smushed by Joe's boot. Joe smacks the referee in the throat with his fist.
Homicide attacks, some reversals, gets a Gringo Cutter reversed and Samoe gets a Cockinaclutch on him. Referee is getting up, and SWERVE~! he disqualified Joseph. But they think it's a victory for Joe, before the announcer guy announces it were a disqualification. Joe doesn't look happy. Taz makes a gesture, and Samoa starts beating up Homicide. Brown on darker brown violence!
Mysterious music plays and out comes Hernandez to completely separate music from Homicide. LAX breakup impending? Joe stands like Taz in ECW, and Hernandez pulls off his shirt to fight, but Taz stops Joe. They leave.
WINNAR: No one. Guffaw.
Thoughts: MEM is the new nWo.
Jay Bee is standing bory with Mack Foley, wearing a tyedye shirt. Foley limped his way into Nashville, and claims Angle sweettalked himself with the TNA managemetn and now he's the golden boy. STOP SHOOTING, FOLEY! This must reference those RUMARS involving Karen Angle sexing Jeff Jarrey and Kurt Angle threatening to leave if Jarrett doesn't leave.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: It can't possibly be wrong of me to be aroused by fanart of Harry Potter/Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Draco Malfoy engaged in sex acts with Harry Potter/Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Draco Malfoy, preferably all at once or matching gender to gender.
Back. MEM's music has a sound-effect thingy that sounds like big tuff men making laser noises, like "PEW PEW PEWWWUUU!! PEW PEW PEWWWUUU!" Kurt Angles it up by claiming that everyone backstage was giggity and seemingly acting like Angle was the boss. Angle says nobody's getting fired, and he's compassionate, and he loves the people, and there are no Gulags he sends political enemenemies to.
MORE TNA NONSENSICALITY: What the hell does going to Nashville have to do with anything? Kurt mentions them going to Nashville, apparently to talk with TNA Management or something. This was never mentioned at all ever by anyone ever, and it's suddenly brought up like it's the middle of a conversation. Angle claims TNA needs the Main Event Mafia. Who else will bury the TNA superstars and bring to life a fanboy e-fedder's dreamteam WWE/WCW roster?! AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels?! OH PLEASE! They could. Foley unintentionally buries the non-WWE'ers by claiming everyone but them dropped the ball and the MEM ended up winning everything. loloops. Just rename the next pay per view "MEM Bound For Glory", then get Eric Young and Matt Morgan in the MEM.
Kurt Angle SWERVES~! it on Foley claiming HE's been conning the TNA management, and goes on a madness mantra of claiming he'd be working it for years x7. Angle has ego-power trip mode on. Boy, he's so boring to me. He randomly produces a set of keys with a huge fucking tag on them that says "TNA". They're apparently the keys to Mick Foley's office and---OH MY GOD NO! POLE MATCH! FIRE RUSSO!
I can't focus anymore. For some reason, Kurt Angle calls Foley "Otaper". Or maybe it was "Old Tapper". Pole match. Pole match.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I once thought I had a heart attack. I've never broken a bone ever. I once had a dream where I realistically felt as though I were in a boat that tipped over and I was flung out. I have a crippling paranoid terror of flying on airplanes. That concludes my medical history.
Earlier today, Brutal Manga did some kind of promo, while his head looks wider than usual. He claims they will put the final nail in the TNA original's coffin. Oh how lovely, the MEM will have their nothing minions bury the rest of TNA original. Or rather, the TNA Originals are no longer good enough to feud with the MEM, and must now feud with a bunch of roid rangers and towelheads and slant-eyes. Keys on a Pole match.
A Knockouts Battle Royal will de-legitimize the Knockouts by having the winner win $50,000 like a whore, because they barely even work for TNA enough to get a real paycheck.
Amazing Red looks like a tall midget. Like Weeman if he weren't a midget.
Amazing Red vs Keving Nash
Nash flexes his muscles, likely straining them and causing him great pain. He leans over to offer Rod a punch, which Red does, onto the turnbuckle, and Kebong just knees him in the gut. PUTTING OVER YOUNG NEW STARS! Nash now with him in the corner, kneeing him constantly. Nash mocks Hogan, then throws Red across the ring. I need a nap.
Red kind of kicks on Nash, only to get jackknifed. To only further PUSH AND PUT OVER THE YOUNG NEW STAR, Kebong gives another jackknife for no reason.
WINNAR: Kebing Nash
Thoughts: Amazing Red got NO moves in that match. NONE. All he did was LITERALLY punches and kicks. That is all.
Backstage bullshit with Hernandez saying things changed a lot since he was gone. He then says something in Spanish that I could not comprehend despite my knowledge of Spanish.
... Homicide "interrupts" Hernandez. LAX is gone.
Okay, I pause the video, to talk to you and TNA in a three-way dance.
WHat. The. Fuck. LAX is--was--one of the greatest TNA tag teams ever, and had GREAT fan support. Then a few months ago, Hernandez was randomly attacked by the British as a kayfabe excuse to have him have neck surgery. Now Hernandez returns, and he and Homicide are done and through? WHY the fuck, WHEN the fuck, WHAT the fuck, WHO the fuck is booking this shit?
Back, they yell and fight, and the tag team division dies a little in yet another company.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I had an inordinate amount of time having fun playing a sexy flash game involving a Butt Monkey girl who somehow ends up in Ancient Greeky myth times, and manages to be raped by and/or run away naked from a wide variety of myth monsters.
Back for MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with Foley saying his ankle was MODERATELY sprained. Jay Bee whines and squeals about him putting his office on the line, with all his stuff in it and the laptop he's writing his new book on, and the freak picture of Jay Bee and Mick Foley. Mick Foley goes fucking nuts, holding the caricature picture and claiming he will NEVER let them take the picture. He also claims they should put things on a pole, like the 2008 presidential election in America. Oy... Russo.
The Morbidly Obese security guards come in and say something. I can't hear them. I'm pretty sure it's involving loving him and asking what he needs. THE STUPID FAT FUCKS STILL HAVE "MEM" ON THEIR SHIRTS!
MORE backstage bullshit with Steiner and Booker T being the stooges of the MEM, with Booger gorilla-ing it up.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: BRIAN BLESSED
Back with Traci Brooks randomly appearing with Lauren. She looks and sounds like Chyna without the muscles. Ew. She's been in Hollywood and Lalaland. Her breasts are so fake, it's ugly. She's going to resume her position as TNA Knockout law or something.
TAG TEAM CHOMPIONSHIT MATCH NOW
Scottle Steiner and Booker T vs Job Squad Big Rocco and Sally Boy
The Morbidly Obese Security Guards use TNA iMPACT's music for their entrance. Good god, these guys are fat. Don West scores major win points by claiming the Security guys have 400-500 pound weight advantage, and they've been a tag team longer than T and Steiner, so the odds are so against the MEM that it's insulting.
Match starts with one of the fat bastards being jerked around by Booker T before Booker starts chopping and kicking and kncoks his ass down. Now Steiner in, and Booker holds him down as Steiner stomps. Zzzzzzz. Steiner does a belly to belly suplecks, and starts punching and stomping. Steiner yells at the fatter guy, prompting him to get in the ring and the referee yell at him. Now Steiner holds the least fat one while Booker punches him.
Why should I even recap this shit? Fuck you all, this ain't a real match. Booker T jacks around Sally Boy, this "match" is slow as hell, fire Russo, fire Mantell, Booker T's better than this. Hilarious how Rocco tries to break up the pin, but Booker just gets up and stares his morbidly obese ass down. Steiner ended up inside and mocks the least fat one, pretending to pin and all. Zzzzz.
Sally Boy managed to get a boot to Steiner's face, and shockingly tags in Rocco, who rushes at Booker T and smashes into him so hard, Booker T dies. Now Rocco gets to the top rope after smashing Steiner down. He just jumped off the top rope, and pinned Steiner for the win, but Sharmell pulled on the referee, prompting the inevitable distraction and Ro--- well, I was going to say Rock Bottom by Booker T, but that fat piece of shit just heart-attacked before Booker could even really lift him. Steiner pins him.
WINNARS: Booker T and Scott Steiner
MORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with Jay Bee and Ee Why. Mick Foley sees an invisible pole in front of him in his office. Ee Why wants to talk, but Foley would rather stare at invisible poles. Fai-yur Roo-soh. Ee Why's child-smoker voice is intolerable. Eric Young pulls an Ephialtes from "300" by basically being a hero and MAKING SENSE in telling Mick Foley he is sorry, and is ready to go back to work. And he's the heel WHY?
Apparently the TNA Frontline indeed died, as now they are re-forming under AJ Styles as the "TNA Originals", because whoever names shit backstage clearly was drunk that night and passed out and missed the meeting where stuff is named.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: During the Civil War, the price of a Springfield rifle was fifteen to twenty dollars, about a month's pay for a Union private.
MOOOOORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with Lauren mispronouncing "Royal" and interviewing Tara. Or maybe she was right and it's "Royale". I think it's "Royal", though. Not in terms of the word, but in terms of which specific word is being used, the "Battle Royal" or "Battle Royale". Fuck her, anyway. Also, Tara's whole "I'M A TARANTULA, YAYAYAYAYA" gimmick sucks a dick. Tara fails to make a Slippery Penis joke on Slick "Rick" Johnson.
MEM is truly the new nWo---the winnar of this battle sandwich will get money and join the MEM.
Knerkout Battle Royal
The only ones who even get an entrance are Awesome Kong, the Horrible People, and Tara. Are the Knockouts the New X Division? I think so. Tara with that tarantula is like Al Snow with Head or Pepper, only more pathetic because it's being taken seriously.
Cluster-schmizzery ensues since this is a Battle Sandwich, and everyone everywhere is just pushing everyone else against the top rope. Fun fact: Saeisha Saeed is in the ring in the form of Alissa Flash. Daffney is the first eliminated. Oresum Kung eliminates Madison Rayne and she lands on top of Daffney. Slippery Penis is practically dry-humping her while waiting for help for her.
ODB is eliminate--- oh, CORY BEANER caught her and tosses her back in the ring. That is one of the greatest strategies I've---- and Slippery Penis orders TEH DEANER out. Alissa Flash is on the ropes, and Sojournor Bolt is kicked out of the ring by Taylor Wilde. Wow, she's back? Jesus, she got written out of so many storylines lately.
Velvet Sky gets eliminated by someone. Oh, by Tara. ZOMFG KEBIN NASH is coming to fill the arena with fail and old man stink.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: The commercials for "Funny People" have (un)shockingly been the complete opposite of funny. 'Giant potion' was a massive fail that could kill. And no, you fat piece of shit Jonah Hill, Harry Potter is NOT going for his "PhD in Wizardry" because it's NOT A FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. IT'S A GODDAMN FUCKING BOARDING SCHOOL THAT HE STARTED AT AGE 11, AND GOES TO FOR SEVEN YEARS. Fuck dammit. I fucking hate that fat piece of morbidly obese shit.
Backors, and during the commercials, Taylor Wilde got eliminated. FAIL! FAIL! FAILSAUCE! WISHED WELL IN FUTURE ENDEAVERS (yes, TNA mispelled that once). Also, Alissa Flash was elminated. Awesome Kung catches Sarita and just dorps her. Kevin Nash is on the commentary for some reason. Sarita beats on Tara, and Tara beats on her. Awesome Kong hangs ODB on the ropes, then knocks her off, exposing lots of ODB ass as she falls out headfirst. Oresum boots Tara's gut, then mysteriously drags Sarita back into the ring. Idiot. For some reason, these people are thinking Traci is a referee or something. What are they, stupid? Shenanigans abound, and not just because I read spoilers.
Tara and Kong trade fake punches, and Tara's punches are just... terrible. Kong and Tara in a... botchy-looking piece of shit move... Kong catches her and mounts her on the top rope, and they're both hanging on the ropes, and Traci comes from behind and dumps them both out. I told you.
WINNAR: Traci Brooks, nWo
Kong and Tara are still fighting on the outside. Lawl. Apparently MEM has its own Knockout Championship now, and Traci is the MEM Knockout Champion. She also becomes Kevin Nash's whore, from how she clings to Kevin. Tara gets into a fight with Slippery Penis in the ring, and she punches his balls. Then she picks up the Tarantula. Jake's Snake this is not, and not just because she doesn't have a penis. Or does she?
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I FUCKING HATE YOU, JONAH HILL, YOU MORBIDLY OBESE RETARD
BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with the Horrible People whining and bitching about stuff, and Lauren implies they had sex with Slippery Penis or something. TEH DEANER randomly appears after they mentioned ODB. That's his $1 beauty, they talked about. They start acting all seductive towards TEH DEANER and touching on him. He falls for it obviously, and at least 10 seconds or more is devoted to him talking about his cologne, which his mom got from a flea market, with a French name and the word "toilet" in it. Then they knee him in the balls and ODB suddenly appears to cradle him. He then says "The Deaner Diamonds have been shattered".
Someone needs to be fired for that last segment. That was beyond even my standards for stuff so stupid and tasteless that I love it. That was the sort of shit people get fired for. Like worse than Katie Vick, or Kaientai vs Val Venis "I CHOP YOU PEEPEE!"
MOOOORE BACKSTAGE BULLSHIT with the TNA Frontline now lead by AJ Styles and including... Christopher Daniels, Robert Roode, James Storm, Eric Young. Two thoughts: the TNA tag team champions are no longer involved in any storyline anymore, and they are relegated to job squad duties against newbie foreigners. And someone forgot that Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, Alex Shelley, and Chris Sabin are still employed.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: IS THERE ANYONE IN ROME WHO HASN'T SLEPT WITH MY DAUGHTER?!?!?!?!?!?
Wow, how pathetic; the TNA Originals get the same "Generic Nothing Nobody" entrance as the Morbidly Obese security guards---iMPACT's theme music, and no entrance video. James Storm is the only one who doesn't look like he's bummed out about being buried.
Robert Roode, James Swift, DANIELS DANIELS, AJ Styles, Eric Young vs Kiyoshimitsu, The Iron Sheik Abdul Jabbar, Roid Terry, Brutal Mange, TEH DOUG
Starts with Young and the Muslim, with alternating holds and armwrenches. No real wrestling really. They end up n the turnbuckle and Storm tags himself in, gets irish whipped by that guy, but hits him, then tags in Roode, and they do a double suplex. Beer Money taunt, then they grab Kiyoshi and toss him into Sheik Abdul Bash Here legs-first. Now AJ Smiles is in, attacking Bash Here, and doing his stuff.
Now DANIELS DANIELS is in, and he brings up the Muslim for a back suplex and Styles clotheslines him down. Arabian moonsault on Bashir, but since Sheik is a Sheik, he does not get pinned for 3 because it's HIS MOVE. Arabs are cool. Britons are not.
Kiyoshi is in now to beat on DANIELS DANIELS after Roid Terry hit DANIELS DANIELS. Kiyoshi does Jappy-stuff, and they tag in THE STEROID Big Roid Terry, who does a generic slam, then a generic clothesline. Oh my god, this guy is built like Batista, only six inches taller. ... No fucking way; he's WIDER than Batista. This guy is on the fucking steroids. Tag in to the Turncoat Roman, and TEH DOUG gets in as well. They do their faggy handshake taunt, then Mangey starts stomping DANIELS DANIELS and does a scoop slam then tags in TEH DOUG. They whip Daniels into the turnbuckle, then whip him into a kick. Pinfail.
Irish whip gets countered by DANIELS DANIELS who gets a Enzuigiri on the rebound. Everybody wants a tag. Brutus Mangey gets in with AJ Smiles, who got the Hort Tag, and so per SvR09 and every tag team wrestling cliche' ever, clotheslines everyone. Pinfail, and now everyone gets in the ring to fight. EY throws one of the Brits to AJ, and SHENANIGANS! It was obvious for several seconds, but he grabs AJ and piledrives him. Pinfall by the Briton.
WINNAR: Sheik Abdul Jabbar, Invasio Brythonica, Key Yoshi, Eric Young
Foley is backstage not amused, and asks what next.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: My most vivid wrestling video game related memory is the one for Smackdown Shut Your Mouth, only because it had Brock Lesnar in it, and he'd say in the commercial, "Smackdown. Shut your mouth." and it sounded so incredibly nerdy and awkward.
BACKSTAGE now with EY and his child-smoker voice talking about joining the foreigners. Considering he is Canadian, this is in no way surprising. Mick Foley randomly attacks him. Why? What the hell did Eric Young betray? He's still working for TNA; he's not working for the MEM. What the fuck?
Pole match time. Pole match. A pole match. You know, I always figured the pole match was something like opposition to civil rights for minorities or outlawing interracial marriage; a relic of the past everyone now no longer keeps codified or dares to commit. Russo dares, RUSSO DARES!
Pole on a Pole Match featuring a pole with keys on it. A FUCKING POLE MATCH! Mick Foley vs Kurt Angle
Kurt beats on Foley's face, then Foley beats on Kurt's face, then slams him into a turnbuckle. More punches. Now Angle punches. European Uppercut on Foley. Now more punches. I see now clearly the audacity of the POLE MATCH was a clear and conscious decision to distract from the fact that these two are way too horribly destroyed to put on anything resembling a wrestling match.
Foley climbs up pole, but Kurt pulls him down. Now I have the hiccups for no reason. Kurt attemps to beat on Foley, but Foley beats on him, then clotheslines him out of the ring. Bang bang. Up the pole. I know a pole I'd like to climb up---Ewa Sonnet. Yes, I am in love with her gigantic tits. And her.
Kurt beats on Foley again. I swear, there have been NO wrestling moves in this match at all, unless you count clothesline and punches and kicks as moves. First move of the match now; superplex by Foley on Angle from the pole. This gets a replay, because these two cripples actually performing a wrestling move in a match is truly a miracle.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: They call Bobby Lashley the "God of Thunder"? Am I supposed to now have him climb on my shoulder when I think about Megan Fox and say in his baby voice "TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE THUUUUUUUUUUMBTTTTHHHHHH!!"?
Back and Foley catches Angle in a Mandible Claw with his sock which is CLEARLY NOT CALLED MISTER SOCKO. Angle down and now Foley gets up, and throws his sock into the audience, and climbs the pole. SAMOA JOE RUNS FAST AS SHIT down the ring and Steiner after him and The Taz as well. They attack Foley and the bell goes off for disqualification. Ello well.
WINNAR: Fans of cripple fights
Kurt Angle gets on the microphone while the entire other MEM holds down Foley. Some generic-sounding music sounds. The video has engine and gears and shit. It's Bubby Lashley.
My honest opinion; I like him. He's cute for a huge black guy, and he could be a great powerhouse wrestler if given more training. And I wouldn't be against having him fuck me. HAHAHAHAHA. Shut up.
Lashley hugs up on Angle and such, and he's smiling all big-toothily. They want Lashy to beat up Foley.
But SWERVE~! Lashley turns and punches Angle. He starts clotheslining everyone else, and they all just roll away. Foley attacks Nash, and then collapses instantly.
Good: Really nothing. The Homicide vs Joe match was good n fast-paced, but it had a pointless ending and destroyed the LAX for no reason at all.
Bad: EVERYTHING. This has got to be one of the worst episodes of iMPACT! ever. That backstage bullshit with TEH DEANER and the Horrible People was torturous. It's exactly the kind of shit anti-wrestling people would dig up and use as proof that we wrestling fans are retards, and we would only look down and be embarrassed that we are associated with such stupid shit.
Even Worse Than Bad: POLE MATCH
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: email@example.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).