Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum



Before I ruin your day, I'd like to mention my experiences with the Xbox Arcade video game "Deadliest Warrior: the Game". Now on to the showing of TNA stuff.

Video recap package of Abyss's stupidity. Standing out like a pink elephant playing Wagner is a shot of... this:


This is supposed to segue into the ECW shenanigans last week, which was executed as if it were directed in the "You ECW guys fight the TNA guys", leading to the shitpile ending of confusion as Dixie Carter announces she invited them and people like Al Snow are left going all "Wut?" whilst simultaneously beating on TNA guys, and everyone else just looks all confused like "What kind of houseguest kicks the shit out of you?" And the unasked question because of Mark Madden-ness on Dixie, What kind of shitty shitty host invites a group of guys who beat the fucking shit out of your family members, and then DOESN'T throw them away or call the police?

The only possible explanation can involve a SWERVE~! Dixie Carter turn to become head of ECW, Eric Bischoff nWo style. That wouldn't make any sense, either, but fuck you, I say.

Rather than get any answers, we get a filler match featuring a guy who should not at all be a curtain jerker.

TNA Globus Championshits
AJ Styles vs Big Rob Terry (C)

They all circle around and such with AJ playing the small guy by being light and spiffy, and punches Big Roid, to the pain of his hand. He then kicks Big Roid and is all like "OHHH" and such, and Big Roid applauds him for hitting him, but nosells. He then bashes AJ down for dancing in his face. Now some BIG HOSS ACTION as he thrusts his shoulder into AJ against the turnbuckle. Then he chucks him across the ring.

KAAZ grabs AJ's arms from the apron and Rob drags AJ away, dragging Kaz in. Now some stuff with AJ and AJ springboards off the apron and into Big Roid's body press. He shows off his strength, then drops him down. Rob then tries for a chokeslam thing but AJ bops him in the face and kicks him off. He then turns his back to jabber at KAZ and get kicked in the head by Big Roid. Pin but referee is distracted by KAAZ.

Moar shenanigans as Rob goes back to pin AJ only for KAAZ to distract again and prompt him to knock his ass out. Big Roid then falls for the obvious schoolboy by AJ, but kicks out. Moar shenanigans as AJ drops down onto him, and KAZ holds Big Rob's feets down for a pinwin cheat.


It's hilarious how Mike Tenay complains about the bad guy shenanigans in a MATCH OF -THIS- IMPORTANCE! Yes, restrain your laughter of derision. Speaking of failure, Mike Tenay apologizes for being a FAILURE and accusing The Taz of being evil dood. They justify Mick Foley's ECW involvement by being all like he was in ECW for a while. BITCH, he was in TNA longer than he was ECW. It's like ECW is the herpes of the wrestling world; no matter where you've been, if you've been in ECW long enough, you're an ECW guy.

Speaking of Herpes, Madison Rayne talks shit to Sarita-Heel, and talks shit about the Horrible People just as they walk in. Loads of bickering that I missed, but guaranteed it was of no importance whatsoever!

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: Rather like Fallout 3's VATS system, it never gets old to have a match start up between two warriors, and then end pretty much immediately when you chuck a spear through the other guy's face.

Backstage, Dixie Carter is having the time of her marky life hamming it up for the camera, with a MOMENTS AGO moment of her yelling at a group of random people, whom I can idenfiy D'Lo Brown and Al Snow in. She bitches that Al Snow punched a ref. Al says in his defense, he didn't know what was going on. Dixie says HE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! You and everyone else in TNA. One of the guy angrily shuts the door on the camera dood.

Angelina Love and Taylor Wilde vs Madison Rayne and Sarita

For some reason, Earl Hebner gets on the microphone, with an accent I cannot place anywhere. He says that they could not identify the identity of the person on the motorcycle, so therefore she must surrender the belt. She decides to bash Madison in the face, but somehow managed to hand it off to Hebner before doing so. So the heels gain a little advantage with Madison irish whipping Angelina, but Taylor moving so she speared Sarita out of the ring. Some double team antics on Madison, and the referee then makes Taylor Wilde go away.

So now Angelina wrassus with Sarita some stuff, flying attack thing, then she tries to drag Sarita with her to Taylor to tag in. She eventually does tag her in, and Taylor goes to get immediately clotheslined by Sarita. Sarita then grabs her and Taylor fights back, but Sarita keeps her on. Taylor shoves Sarita down thing on, but Taylor gets up first, and punches up Sarita, so Sarita does a flip-back drop thing that has Taylor landing on her face and implants. Madison runs in after being tagged, only to run away and get dragged down by the hair.

Angelina then slams her down again a few times, and then picks her up for a generic front slam. Sarita attacks her, and Taylor Wilde attacks Sarita, punchies her up while Madison gains some control over Angelina somehow. Due to the beige color of her top, far-angles appear as though Madison is topless. Angelina does an inverted Rock Bottom thing and pinwins.

WINNAR: Angelina Love and Taylor Wilde

Tara OOPS I MEAN MYSTERIOUS MOTORCYCLE WOMAN appears and struts dat azz to the ringside to stare at Angelina and Taylor. The Horrible People then meander on down the ramp, and Sarita and Madison beat up on the faces from behind. Mysterious motorcycle woman with needless cleavage cutout starts booting on the faces with them. Mysterious Motorcycle Woman gets on the motorcycle and Madison climbs on back. She then tells the Beautiful People "COME ON" and such. They all planning on fitting on that clown cycle?

Velvet says Niii, and Lacey dumbly goes along anyway. Apparently they aren't all riding on it, but Lacey and the other one just walk alongside it.

Apparently now, Kurt Angle is putting his career on the line for EVERY match in this top ten ranking thing.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: The Pirate... holy hell. WHERE is the FUCKING LOGIC in a Pirate being able to HEADBUTT a FULLY ARMORED MEDIEVAL KNIGHT and not only have the KNIGHT stagger back, but have the Pirate NOT crush his own fucking skull in and bleed to death? On a related note, WHERE is the FUCKING LOGIC in a Pirate being able to KICK a FULLY ARMORED WARRIOR (Spartan, Centurion, Samurai, Knight) and have THEM stagger back in pain RIGHT AT THE START OF THE MATCH!?

Earlier tonight, ECW guise wander abotu backstage. You know they're ECW guise because Mick Foley is wearing a TNA t-shirt. ... wait, wot?

Kurt Angle entrance now. Apparently he will give a speech after every match? Ughhhhh... Or maybe match? At this point, I'm sick of Kurt Angle. I don't give a shit how good a wrestler he is, I'm tired of him.

Kurt Angle vs Hernandez

Come on. The fuck you think.

WINNAR: Kurt Angle

Normally reserved for squish matches, but come on. You honestly think Kurt Angle's career is gonna end on an average episode of iMPACT against a midcard Mexican? You want good, high-impact wrestling? Go watch the fucking match. I certainly didn't.

Kevin Nash music plays after the match and he slugs along down the ramp. Angle stares him down and Nash shakes his hand and hugs him. Then he goes off to the ring and Angle's all like "huh?" while leaving.

Nash say: AJ! I seen you in the back earlier. Come out an talk to Big Sexy. Oh no, wait, eh said "JJ". Cos later he says "Oh Double J"

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: There's a great measure of satisfaction in having some fucknut cleave off your arm... only for you to cut his fucking throat off with your sword-hand and win the match before you bleed to death.

Out be Jeff Jarrett now, and Nash says something don't feel right about what happened last week. He says Jeff Jarrett is amazing and good at what he do. He almost had him convinced that it was Sting that left a log in the punchbowl. Some guy in the audience shouts "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID"

Meanwhile, Sting used to let Nash stay in his bed for nothing cos he was dead broke back in the old days and such. So he thinks it wasn't Sting who left a log in the punchbowl; it was you, Double J. I've lost interest, but Nash then moves on all like the young guys in the back who look up to Jarrett *snort* as a veteran and leader are the real victims.

Jarrett mirrors some of my thoughts by saying "Ah hayave no ahdea what yer token abaot" He say it was Big Kev who screwed Bischoff and Hulk, using his deceit to get Hall and Waltman jobs and hurt this company. Somehow. But he know you, and these people know you, cos it's well documented over the years. What documentation, where? Dirtsheet rumors and backstage antics?

Nash pulls the family card, talking about his three little young daughters of his and when they grow up and they get it and realize their father is nothing but a selfish prick, you juggle that in your sleep.

I must ask; what was the point of all that?

Speaking of pointless, here be Dixie Carter pacing about backstage. She talks now with Kurt Angle all like she knows what it looks like, but you have to have faith in her, cos it's a good thing for TNA. THIS IS DIFFERENT, she insists. Yeah, because the hiring of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff did so much for TNA and its shitty ratingsnot.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: Who failed Greek history that they decided that the Spartan's attacks with the Dory/Sarissa should be slow as shit? HOPLITE COMBAT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!

Samoa Joe vs Jeff Hardy

Jeff rolls out of the ring to slaphands with the front row faggots. He then pauses to rest for a minute, before going off to more slaphands. OH YEAH EXTREEEME! TOTAL NONSTOP ACTION! Meanwhile, to show how much they care about this match, we have ERIC BISCHOFF ON THE PHONE NOW TALKING ABOUT SOME RANDOM BULLSHIT! Meanwhile in the match, Samoe Joe just killshits the bitch and shoves him out of the ring. Watching this match while listening to some faghead on the phone is a really disorienting experience. It's like watching a really bad movie with really bad director's commentary going off on a tangent about nothing in the midst of a fight scene.

In the ring now, Jeff somehow gains enough control to punch up Joe in the face on the turnbuckle. Then he snapmares him off and chinlocks, and Joe is caught right here. He gets up and does a Stone Cold Stunner-looking jawbreaker on Jeff Harvey. He then flippy's him, like a snapmare without letting him land on his butt. He then jumps and drops a knee onto Hardy.

Hardy irish whips and Joe reverses and Hardy floats over to avoid hitting the turnbuckle, only to be kicked in the guts by Joe. Joe now elbowing Hardy's head as he sits on the floor. Joe picks Hardy up into the turnbuckle for WWE-BANNED CHOPS! irish whip him into the other corner and slams into him with a ferOCIOUS kick. Pin gets 2.

Hardy tries to mount a comeback but gets caught in a snapplex thing and dropped down then pin gets 2. Joe then punchies him up when he stands, and Hardy rests on the ropes, then gets irish whipped but Hardy reverses and clotheslines him down. Now some repetitive shoulder blocks and generic slams. He gets him into a corner with a clothesline and does his floaty-dropkick thing. Some more fighting and Jeff goes to pick up Joe but Joe knocks him back.

Harvey still takes control and tries a top rope jump thing and gets caught by Joe and slammed down. Hardy tries something but gets a senton backsplash thingy and I missed some stuff and Joe knocks Hardy down. Now he picks up Hardy for a Powerbomb pin gets 2, then rolls it over into an STF, or as the PG WWE calls it, a "SHUT THE FUCK UP"

It's then turned into an OMFG FORBIDDEN CRIPPLER CROSSFACE or whatever. Nothing comes of it and Joe and Jeff punch each other up. Hardy goes running and floats over Joe in his attempt to back body dorp him, and goes for a Twist of Fate but misses and Joe gets a cock-in-a-clutch, but Hardy slams him back into a turnbuckle, climbs up and Whisper in the Winds him.

Apparently the match has a 30 second time limit. Fuckk this shit, I'm done.

WINNAR: No one

They just resorted to generic brawling in the last several seconds. On a related note, Luis Guzman was in "The Count of Monte Cristo" 2002? Really?!

They have to bring down two more referees to stop the J's from brawling. BACKSTAGE, Jeff Jarrett is talking with Dixie Carter WAY AT THE END OF A HALL! Dixie Carter says the guys last week were SO disappointed and SO unhappy. BUT THEY SHOULDN'T BE! After all, it's not like she didn't trust or care enough about them to let them know she was inviting the ECW guise here, and didn't even bother to do shit about them rushing into the ring and killshitting the TNA guiise. OH WAIT.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: It's a pleasure fighting the Ninja---a spear through the head and the cowardly faggot is dead.

Speaking of faggots, Mister Anderson. Why do I hate him so much? Is it the douchebag nature of his gimmick? The sort that appeals to college frat boys who think it an average thursday night to rape a few drunk girls, smear shit on their faces, go driving drunk, smash the car into a tree, wander out before it explodes, and pick fights with hobos before being arrested and bailed out by their rich white fathers? I think so.

Matt Morgan vs Anderson Anderson

Anderson starts with jumping at him for a quick rollup and win. Not really, but honestly, what's the point in doing such a thing unless you want the match to end instantly? For someone who can't wrestle like Ken, that's understandable, I suppose. More rollup action before Matt gains control and bashes him into a turnbuckle, and punches him down, then stomps him up. Morganite then goes for his laying back into Anderson on a turnbuckle and driving his elbows into opposing sides of his face.

Morgan then runs and splishes him. Big and struong and w/e like The Taz says. Morgan goes to pick up Anderson, but he punches him away several times, then punches him back against the ropes, only for Morgan to bounce off and knee him away. FAN LAW~! A pre-existing one, too, Malcolm Not in the You Suck. Morgan meanwhile goes to Ken but Ken runs off, only to be caught by Morganite in a Fallaway Slam. Pin gets 2.

Morgan smuggly shoves Anderson's face down with his boot, then smacks him around. Then he picks him up and clotheslines him down. For some reason, people are booing. Maybe they're booing Anderson's shittiness. Morgan clotheslines him down again. Morgan brings Anderson up and smacks him, then goes for a spinning punch, but Anderson does an inverted Rock Bottom thing and... wins...

WINNAR: John Cena

And you wonder why I say he can't fucking wrestle? He did NOTHING all match except punches. LITERALLY! Then hits his finisher at the very end and wins.

To express my anger, Matt smashes Anderson's microphone in his head, cutting him open, then drops it heavily on his chest. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thoughts: Rather like the Call of Duty games, this one's true staying power is in multiplayer matches. The computer is either too easy, rather difficult, or blatantly cheating. Against other people, it's a great fight, with the realism of matches that can last 2.2 seconds to 60.

Beer Money vs Motor City Machine Guns

Apparently, my bright powers of intellect, aided by no one's e-mails mentioning it, figured out that this Five step tournament thing actually does make sense. Kind of. It's not a case of several teams wrestling and eliminating one another to reach the GUnnaz, it's just these two competing in many matches for... I don't know what. They don't say if it's a 3 out of 5 wins type situation, or if they're just making it 5 matches to extend this shit longer than it needs to be to give some fake prestige to the Tag Team titles.

Speaking of which, who is the TNA World champion? I completely forgot.

Murder gunnaz start with jumping into the ring on Beer Money. Then Alex Shelley throws Robert Roode onto the ramp and Sabin and the other guy fall out of the ring for brawling. Speaking of which, Beer Money is wearing jeans and shirts, so they have the advantage in this street fight. FAN LAW~! Pre-existing one, Malcolm NotMcDowell. Beer Money goe for a double suplex off the ramp but one of the gunnaz trip up Storm. Then they do some PPoetry in Motion tyupe stuff on Roode against the ropes. They then hold Roode on the ramp with Shelley and Sabin goes up to the top of the ramp and... runs and dropkicks him! That sounded as nasty sick as it looked.

Shellith then jumps off the ramp and steps on Roode's face. ROode, however, is fine just fine, fine just fine, and gets up to beat on Shelley some. Shelley gets on the apron through and kicks him down. Storm beats on Sabin on the other side and tosses a trash can into the ring. The Murder Guns do a double team thing to kick Storm off the apron. Shelley then bounces onto the apron to hold the second rope down so Sabin can suicide dive right into Roode's chair. Roode then smashes the chair into Shelley.

ONLY NOW does The Taz mention it's a Best of 5 tournament. Fucking TNA. Beer Money double teams on Shelley a bit but he reverses and tosses Roode into the steel chair set up in the turnbuckle. But Storm puts his ass down, pin gets 2, and gets up to punch him up against a turnbuckle, while Roode punches up Sabin on the other side. They then irish whip Shellith into Sabin, and he holds his hands up so Sabin can use them to flip over onto the apron. Shellith then beats off Storm and Roode, throws the chair to Roode, and Sabin springboard dropkicks it into his face. Pin gets 2.

Shelley tries to springboard body dive on Storm, but he just steps aside, then comes int os pit beer in Sabin's face so Roode can take over and pin gets 2. Shelley returns to the ring with a kendo stick, and hits Storm with it to break up a double team. Roode chokes from behind but Shelley wraps it around him and drops with the stick onto him, then smacks his face in it. Antics on the outside happen, and Roode tries to attack Sabin, but clotheslines the referee instead. Sabin then chucks the trash can at him, and tries to baseball slide Storm on the outside, but hits the other referee instead.

Now Beer Money in the ring with Alex Shelley, and they put him on the top rope turnbuckle and both climb up on it to double suplex, but Sabin appears to knock Storm off, and so time for perpetual buttmonkey Roode to be put in a double team thing, with a Sliced Bread + Powerbomb, and needless pin as the referees aren't around. Sabin goes to wake up one of them, while Storm smashes a beer bottle on Shelley's face and drops Roode on it, then superkicks Sabin, and drags the referee over himself for to being of winpin.

WINNAR: Beer Money

Backstage, Brother Ray is... wearing an LAX shirt. Brother Devon walks into the room he's in to bitch at him about ECW guise or something, wondering if they have their back, cos they're family. Brother Ray says WHY WOULD I HAVE THEIR BACK? We have nothing left to prove, we have done more than they ever have.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thought: I am pissed off that Shaka Zulu was not even included in the list of votey warriors on their website for DLC new warriors. I WANT TO PLAY AS SHAKA ZULU, MOTHERFUCKING RACIST BITCHES! They include fucking William Wallace, who'd just be a fucking Pallete-swap of the Knight with a bigger sword, but they didn't include the GREATEST WARRIOR KING IN THE HISTORY OF BLACK AFRICA?!

To answer my previous question, here's Rob Van Dam with the TNA World championship. I remember now. I think he won it by disqualification back when he debuted in a 30 second match, followed by 5 minutes of Sting murdering him with a baseball bat. YAY STRONG CHAMPION!

Christy Hemme INCORRECTLY STATES that ECW made Rob Van Dam a big star. He's all like he's proud of his ECW career, and he honed his craft back then, and have it come to the present day is like having everything all at once and he's very happy. No one knows what's in Dixie's crazy little head, so Hemme asks if Rob Van Dam has any idea. Even if he did, you think he'd remember?

He says the hardcore fans are with him now like they were before, and he's gotta go find a monitor to watch Dixie's stupidity. And APPARENTLY Abyss wants the TNA World Championship. NEWS FUCKING TO ME! NOT ONCE has he ever even mentioned that shit in ANY of his past month's promos!

The Taz is apparently used to cryptic company owners, saying Dixie doesn't owe anyone an explanation for why she invited the ECW guys in to make the TNA guys look like bitches. Video recap of ECW Guise coming around to sit in the crowd and watch TNA, up until the day they actually make use of their paid money to do stuff.

I also feel that this whole "OMFG ECW INVASION" is cheapened by the fact that pretty much all of them except Tommy Dreamer have been associated with TNA more often in the past 9 years than with ECW.

Random Deadliest Warrior Thought: Ultimately, one Warrior is notoriously missing from the game...


Dixie Carter gets her own asinine entrance music. She says she has always said TNA has the best fans in the world. Noisy does not equal quality. She apparently wants to hear what we want to see in TNA. No. No you don't. She says what has been brought up time after time after time is their love of extreme, hardcore wrestling. They then proceed to chant "ECW" badly off-key and out of sync with one another. Morons.

So the ex-TNA guys appear, Rhino, Raven, Doctor Stevie, and Mick Foley, as well as NEW GUY Tommy Dreamer. They all go and hug Dixie and stuff. EVEN MICK FOLEY! Despite the fact that she did fuckall-nothing when Bischoff fired Foley for petty reasons of jealousy and personal vendetta. Foley points out that this is the first time she's gotten into the ring and done a promo thing.

She talks about what they did in ECW and how they did it out of love and passion for the bidness and not for fat paychecks, and how they'll be doing the total opposite of that now. Well, not really, but CLOSE! Last time Mick Foley was in the iMPACT Zone, he was fired, and Foley is grateful that she's giving him another chance to make a lasting impression.

He then gives the microphone to Tommy Dreamer, who lies out the ass saying he has watched TNA since the beginning from the Asylum in Nashville. Dreamer says he was scuuurrrred to join TNA cos he was a dad and being paid assloads by WWE to do nothing or occasionally job. He lies out the ass saying he saw similarities in TNA with old ECW. Long before Samoa Joe was dumping people on their heads every week, The Taz was doing it everywhere as the Human Suplex Machine.

What Ric Flair did for Jay Lethal, Terry Funk did for Tommy Dreamer and Mick Foley. I don't quite remember Terry Funk talking shit about they momma's and talking about how wet he gets them at the mere mention of his name. Before the Beautiful People, there was Francine and Beulah McGillicuty. And before them was Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah. My point; There is no fucking point, or connection.

Tommy Dreamer then says he had his closure at ECW One Night Stand 2005, but then they brought it back (fans boo) and he got to watch his friends get fired and destroyed, and for what? Someone in the audience shouts something incoherent, and he says "Exactly", until it bothered him so much he had to quit his own job at 38. And he seriously sat out at the crowd, and the other guys would talk to him and show him all the similarities, and they put a plan together, and the only person who can put it together... is you, Dixie Carter.

This is not about an ECW invasion or them taking over. It's about men and women who lost their jobs, teh fans who chant it, the friends who lived it, that their legacy is not destroyed. For one night, give them one night to show the world what they had and their legacy can live forever. He begs of her!

She say she believes in you guise, and you guise wanna do this; one stipulation. YOU, and you guys plan this, you plan everything about it, you have complete control over it, nothign that has to do with TNA. People chant "SABU", and Tommy say "iMPACT Zone, we're going extreme!"

TNA YAY: The tag team match with the Beer Money and Motor City Machine Gunnaz

TNA BOO: The other matches were timewasting shitballs

TNA WTF: Surprisingly, nothing! At least, nothing major, just the pitter-patterings of a whole bunch of stupid things said and done that were inconsequential and forgettable.

Blame Daniel Somavilla for this one:

"Battle not with Halo, lest ye become her; and if you gaze long into the rant, the rant also gazes into you, sucka."


Feedback if you want: phenomynouss@hotmail.com

Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.


Bookmark and Share


November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).