My knee aches immensely. Exacerbated by that my bandage around my knee is ALWAYS slipping off my knee. I hate that like I hate you.
Decide for me; should I do a straight serious recap or the kind of crazy crap I usually do? I should sleep on that. See you tomorrow.
Okay, am back, exactly 25 hours later.
Video recap of last week. Worst weekend of my life? Close to it.
Mick Foley comes out. I'm sick to fucking death of that "6 Hour Power Energy" logo that's been whoreishly printed on the center of the ring. Fuck WCW.
Mick Foley feels naked. He's going to try his best at Wictory Road to make himself no longer naked. Somehow he attributes the TNA World Champion with completely controlling the direction the company goes. Suddenly the TNA Championship gives you Commissioner powers. He calls out Kurt Angle. Copypasta virtually every opening segment for the past several weeks by TNA.
I think I can confirm that TNA has completely given up on having entrance videos, as everyone thus far has entered to a series of words and repetitious pictures. Angle's is his name, the Main Event Mafia name and logo, and two roses.
Mick Foley loves the TNA Championship, mentions some sort of "mind games" the MEM has clearly not been playing at all the past few weeks, then notes that Eric Young Montrealing Mick Foley was his breaking point. History lesson---happened to him at 1998 Survivor Series as well against The Rock. He brings up an example from 1990 or so involving Dory Funk Jr. Mick Foley says "If you're thinkin of me tappin', it just won't happen". Foley can get away with it, but no one else can.
Foley wants the match at Wictory Road to have no main event mafia and no morbidly obese security guards. Cue hysterical laughter from me if I could. Kurt Angle talks boring shit, using some kind of mind-blindingly wrong logic behind why the MEM hates the TNA originals. Because apparently TNA "accidentally" survived failure from 2002 to 2006, and the originals just sort of did things like jerk around in the ring, poking one another and taking falls for big-ass cha-- OH WAIT, NO THEY DIDN'T! YOU HEAR THAT, NASH?!
Sting randomly comes out. He points out that Kurt Angle says he was doing "it" for Mick and Jeff and everyone who isn't a real TNA superstar. Sting screams that it's all a bunch of bull. Sting has an agenda for Sunday, and starts to pimp his own match against Joe and The Taz. He then gives a philosophical nugget in the form of "Sunday is Sunday". Or maybe he meant "Sundae". His face looks like vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup on it.
Mick Foley thinks Stinger, but Kurtle says WHOA WHOA WHOA, then he answers for Foley saying "yes". To what? Did I miss something? I swear I missed something important. Nipple tweak, six sides of steel tonight, against the greatest wrestler of all time. HULK HOGAN?! Oh no wait, Kurt Angle. They accidentally play Sting's music instead of Angle's. Or maybe that was intentional for some reason.
Amazing Red will job out to Samoan Joe. Sarita debuts. Main event is actually Sting vs Kurdle.
Backstage, Samoa Joe is further burying Amazing Red backstage without even a match. Creative has nothing for you Red, ca next year maybe.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I'm jealous of Neilius McGilloway's job. He gets to see hot (mmm... hot) young guys wrestling on a taut hour-long, likely bordering on 35-40 minute show with a minimum of shenanigans and retardation. I get twice that length with half the wrestling. So to restate, Neilius McGilloway is jealous of my job.
Back and Samoa Joe is beating Rod down the ramp. I'm startnig to feel a little better. Samoa Joe does a clothesline that makes Red flippy upside down and such. Tenay Retard calls it decapitation clothesline, which means Joe should go to jail for involuntary manslaughter. But no, Red still has his head---Hahahaaaa... "head". Joe shoves Rudy Charles and gets disqualified. He musclebusterizes Red, then punchys his face. TNA-FCW guys come down with nightsticks, pretending to be security guards. Face-off with Samoa Joe. Rather than killshit them and further solidify his evil monster status, he just leaves and walks off.
Video package for Samoa Joe. He will cum. I mean, be cum. "Become".
Sarita backstage interview, where it's revealed her spicitude is a total lie. Someone else called "Alyssa Flash" is debuting as well. Sarita's gimmick is one of boring plain genericization. She then speaks in Spanish, which thanks to me being awesome, I can tell for you:
"All I can say is I didn't come to play, I came to demonstrate who I am, what I'm made of, and"
Okay I crashed there. I don't know what "con su apollo/apoyo" means. But she ended with "nothing is impossible" Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I hate Clark Howard. Fucker's boring. CNN Headline News needs him to away.
Jenna something? Who is this person? THey show some recaps of her apparently in the ring and backstage and stuff. I swear, I've never seen this person before. She was on some Survivor show, where she apparently posed for pictures wearing a fishnet top and showing off massive amounts of cleavage. More clips. Apparently her money helped them recruit Samoa Joe. Seriously, who--- Oh, I know. Yeah, I remember her. Jenna asked how much of a wrestler Sharmell is.
Backstage thing with Don West interviewing a handful of knockouts. Asks Sharmell why she hates Jenna. Her reasoning is she wants to be the only girl being gangbanged by them all, which is what I assume "respect" is code for in black talk. Jenna is called skinny by Don West, and she says she was invited by Kevin Nash. She sayts she conducted herself like a lady, which means obviously Sharmell has no competition in the MEM gangbangs. Jenna calls her a slut for that, but not so explicitly. Who is this random black girl beside Sharmell? Jenna keeps talking shit, but Don West is on top of them all. Hahahaaaa... on top.
OOH SNAP RACISM! Sharmell says Jenna is writing checks her anus cannot cash, and Jenna says "At least I can write checks!"
Jenna thinks being trained by Awesome Kong means she can wrestle. Raisha Saeed gets into a shouting match with Sharmell.
Backstage thing with Suicide hiding in an emo dark area.
Random Commercial-area thoughts: BRIAN BLESSED
Backstage with Jay Bee saying he followed Angle's career since the Olympics, then questions why Angle makes himself fight Sting in a cage match. TNA rule. No wait it's not TNA exclusive. I'm calling it AAW, meaning "Anterograde Amnesia Wrestling". It refers to the idea that no one in kayfabe can remember anything in short-term history unless a storyline DIRECTLY involves it. It also causes them to think anything happening NOW is the greatest thing ever in their business's history. Tony Sciavonte had it.
First match of the night comes some 25 minutes into a 1 hour, 24 minute commercial-less broadcast.
Suicide vs Chris Sabin
I totally missed this part where Suicide's music advocates Hope and not Finality. This goes completely against what his song actually says, as well as his name. Sabin and Suicide trade arm-stuff. Suicide does a nifty rope-bounce armdrag thing where he seems to dropkick the second rope, then flip and armdrag Sabin. Sabin ends this with a knee to the guts, irish whips, then distracts refereee for Robot Shelley to just sort of try to trip Frankie Kazarian.
Sabian comes back and starts kicking on Suicide, and shoving at his face with his boot on the turnbuckle. Then he does a submission hold against the ropes, and when the referee pushes him off, Shelley does a nifty rising kick to Kaz's masked face.
Now Sabin doing a arm wrench on Suicide at the turnbuckle for no reason, whips him to the other turnbuckle, and runs at him for a crazy smishy-shmoo. He tries to do a springboard attack but SUicide steps away, then does some clothesline, whips him, does some sneaky-ass weird sort of Russian leg sweep move without the leg sweeping. It looks better than it sounds. Slingshot neckbreaker/cutter thing from the ring ropes onto Sabin.
Suicide tries to pick him up, but Sabin gets a spinning Enzuigiri on him. Now he runs but Suicide catches him in a DVD position, does a rolling thing, then swiftly rushes and jumps onto Shelley ont he outside. He attacks Sabin before he can knock him off the apron, tries to do some kind of nifticles move, but Sabin catches him in a spinning neckbreaker thing on the rope. It really looks a lot better than my shitty description.
Kaz does something but Sabin stops that shit, and kicks him at the turnbuckle. Tree of Woe position, and tries to attack him but Kaz lifts his upper body up, catches Sabin, and does a stunner-type thing where he smishes his face on the turnbuckle. Advocation of Suicide finality and he wins.
Robot Shelley sneaks up on Suicide and does a weak-ass punch, followed by a kick, and now some beating-up. Now he bends Suicide's leg like in a Mexican Surfboard thing, but then sits himself on Suicide's foot and poses. Lol. For some reason which pisses me off, they compeltely forget about this whole "DANIELS IS SUICIDE, LET'S UNMASK HIM".
ZOMFG HOMICIDE ARRIVES, using his briefcase to killshit the Murder Guns. Of course he's going to cash it in, stupid. He got money in the bank---I mean, Feast or Fired. People chant "Cash it in!" showing just how many people don't give a shit about shitty video game characters. Homicide starts a match
Killing vs Self-killing
Pin on Suicide fails. Suicide starts to fight back. Homicide goes for a Gringo Killer, hits it, and pins for teh win.
WINNAR + X Division Champion: Homicide
The Horrible People backstage with Angelina Love dressed in a beekeeper's outfit suit.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I silently cursed Disco Burge for mocking Brüno but I have to honestly say it was unimpressive. The sort of thing you laugh at the first time, then never laugh at for subsequent re-watchings. I join the party wagon (free drinks?) in saying Borat was better. NO! Proper title. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
Backstage interview with HOMICIDE, and amazingly I spelled that correctly despite my crappy fingers crapping out on me and hitting several letters at random. Lauren's first question is "Congratulations". Idiot. She then asks if he thinks the way of getting it was rather lame. He proceeds to butcher English worse than any other wrestler ever. "I didn't made the rules, the rules was dat you could bring in yo fire feast case at any time, an das what I done." He says stuff in Spanish, does his R thing, then accuses Lauren of racism against hispanics for not going to drink and fuck with him. He then does his own racist act by dragging her along forcefully.
The Horrible People come out, and Angelina Love has filed a formal complaint with PETER against Tara, for trying to endanger her with a big freaking spider. Don West hopes this PETER guy gets to the bottom of this. Mike Tenay claims it's PETA, and Don West clearly knew that, as he said "I knew that". Fucking Tenay. You're stupid.
The Horrible People do not recognize Tara beating her last week, and call it a fluke. People chant "You suck". Love's logic here is reaching Andaralian levels. That means me, Andariel Halo. Tara comes out to her pseudo-goth music.
Jee whiz, Tara looks even older than last week. She basically confirms Angelina's claims for claiming she will face her at Wictory Road for the championship, then says that Poison, her tarantula, basically snuck into Love's beekeeper outfit for a nap. Love basically guarantees she'll kill it by rolling around and ripping off her suit, but I think it's obvious Tara lied, especially since she came down to the ring to beat up Love and do a Widow's Peak.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Anyone who thinks William Wallace could kill Shaka Zulu because of his fucking CLAYMORE should step up in full armor and big-ass fucking sword to a Zulu warrior. Swing that big-fucking thing. Ohh you missed! And now your guts are piling at your feet because ZULU dodged your fatfuck sword and just eviscerated you with his short spear/sword. Win.
This Alyssa Flash person comes out, looking very familiar. I'm pretty sure I saw her on SHiMMER volume 1. I'mma wiki her. Considering how Sarita got weeks of buildup and such, and Alyssa was only mentioned ONCE. TONIGHT. I highly doubt she will win. Sarita is Sarah Stock.
Sarita vs "Future Legend" Alissa Flash
FUCK. No fucking wonder. "Alissa Flash" is Cheerleader Melissa. D'OH!
Melissa takes advantage of Sarita, but Sarita catches her from an irish whip, runs to the top rope for a series of useless bullshit culminating in a generic arm drag. She rushes for a suicide dive on Melissa outside. A whole lot of fast shit I just missed, not sorry. Sarita gets slammed into the turnbuckle by Cheerleader Melissa outside. She picks Sarita up for a scoop slam, then breaks the 10 count by rolling in and out. Kicks Sarita onto the guard rail.
Alissa throws Sarita inside after a short time, then crawls in for some stomps. Scoop slam again on Sarita. Pinfail. Sarita tries to punch Alissa's stomach, but is stupid because that doesn't work. She puts the boot to Sarita's face. Then she punches at Sarita at the turnbuckle. Cross body springboard by Sarita on the yellow one. Rush with a clothesline by Cheerleader Melissa on Sarita. Hair pull-chinlock tingy on Sarita.
Alissa is basically dominating. Sarita returns with some punches and kicks, then does a nifty roll-through thing into an armbar, but Alissa turns that shit around and just dumps her out of the hold. Now for a Mexican Surfboard, but instead just boots her face into the mat. Pinfail. Flash slams her again, pinfail. Picks her up again, irish whip fail, and Sarita does a clothesline and kicks at her. Tries one of those Rey Mysterio bulldog things but Flash just slams the back of her head onto the turnbuckle. Pinfail.
WAY TO BURY THE TALENT YOU'VE BEEN HYPING FOR WEEKS, TNA! Attempted scoopslam fails and Sarita basically just rolls up Cheerleader Melissa for the win. That was the complete opposite of "impressive", Don West. Cheerleader Melissa just dominated the fucking shit out of her. Sarita played the role of John Cena, or as evidence in SHiMMER vol1, Daizee Haze. Yeah, that bitch gets shitkicked for 20 minutes, then just randomly wins for no reason.
WINNAR: Sarita. By fluke.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Anyone want to trade places in recapping shows for a week? It would be fun for the fish out of water insanity "what happened to John Cena's WWE title reign and when did Triple H return from having his knee be destroyed?" See, because I was REALLY heavily watching in 2007 for some dumb reason, and so it sticks out to me like 2000 did as a child, in which it were the era where I have the most lucid memories about. And what ever happened to that Wolverine guy?
Backstage with AJ Smiles and Lauren. While AJ says some boring shit, I wonder if ODB will ever return to the Knockouts Division, or forever be trapped as TEH DEANER's valet. AJ says they were better off without people like the MEM, because they took advantage of companies, making it all about the money. STOP SHOOTING, AJ! AJ says Wictory Road will be their last paycheck. If only.
The MEMers get introduced separately. Gay.
Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner and Booker T (the black guy last) vs Beer Money and AJ Styles
Anyone remember when James Storm was feuding with Rhino involving beer? I do. It starts with AJ and Scott. Tie-up, Steiner does an arm wrench thing, twice. Now a headlock. AJ shoves him, but Steiner shoulder blocks. Now AJ shoulder blocks, and stomps on Steiner, then does a jumping move on him. Arm wrewnch by AJ, and he tags in Robert Roode to punch Steiner and attack him at the turnbuckle. Kadoosh-type punches. Whip Steiner at the other turnbuckle, then does a running neck snap thing where Steiner is sitting and Roode jumps over him and drags his head down. James Storm is tagged in as Booker T is tagged in, and they double suplex him.
Kevin Nash randomly appears inside for some reason, and AJ Styles is tagged in to do his superhero punch on Kevin fromt he rope. Steiner is thrown out, and now everyone except Nash and Styles are fighting on the outside. Nash pokes AJ's eyes, then does a jackknife for the win. Lol---
Oh wait, it's an elimination match. And they just eliminated the BEST TNA SUPERSTAR EVER first. Burial.
Roode starts running around Nash, but gets caught in a sideslam. Pinfail. Steiner comes in to kick Roode, and pick him up for a few chops against the ropes. Tenay's just been handed a note by Jim Cornette (lolwut?), that Jeff Jarrett will be on commentary for the main event. Scott Steiner and Booker T come in to beat on Roode, then Booker alone, and chops at Roode. Boy, they ain't even trying anymore now that AJ's gone.
whip on Roode and Booker fails a jumping kick, so Roode whips, but Booker kicks Roode int hef ace, fails another kick, and gets his leg caught in the rope, and manages to tag in Steiner while Storm is also tagged in and fights Steiner and does a neckbreaker and attacks Booker and Nash. Nash barely even tries to sell. He just sort of collapses on top of Storm when he pins Booker.
Storm charges at Nash, then hits an Enzuigiri from the apron, and Roode does a running clothesline on Nash. Booker attacks Storm from the top rope, so Roode and Nash brawl outside while Steiner beats on Storm, and pins him. Lol eliminated. Way to bury the good guys.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: I roleplayed as Luna Lovegood in a Harry Potter roleplay online, and was said to be amazingly accurate to the character. It helps to be retarded, sometimes. Or "autistic" as they say. As an autistic person (sure, not the FUN autism, but the LAME "you're an internet troll" Ass Burger autism) it's still funny to have it be made fun of. By the way, there was a fun autism joke in Brüno, amounted basically to it being stated "Autism is funny". Autistics like me agree.
So I feel a personal connection to Luna Lovegood, one that goes beyond the double-dildo connecting our butts together. It's like she's a Mary Sue extension of me. Also, since she was MINE in that RP, she had sex with Draco Malfoy. You had to see that coming. Hahahaaaa.... coming.
Return and Roode is beating on all three of his enemies, until Booker Rock Bottoms him. Lolfail. Pin on Roode fails because Booekr just pulled Roode's head up mockingly. Arm wrench with side kick by Booker on him. Both Nash and Steiner want in, but Booker tags in Steiner. Now Steiner stomps at Roode while Booker holds him on the floor. Now Steiner chops and then does a belly to belly suplex on Roode. He pins him using one finger, and it fails, but Steiner's okay. Tags in Nash.
Nash does knees on Roode in a turnbuckle. Now elbows on the turnbuckle. Nash seriously has to be a genius to have gotten as far as he has in wrestling without the actual "wrestling" aspect. This goes way beyond even John Cena levels. Roode lowblows Nash and pins for the elmination.
Steiner rushes in and beats on Roode some more. Belly to belly suplex. Pumpy elbow fails and Roode punches on him. Now Nash trips up Roode as he tries to do a running move. Don West justifies that one low blow entitles you to one cheap shot. James Storm comes down the ramp with a chair, but BLUEPRINT OF FAILURE intercepts him and attacks him. Lol way to bury the non-MEMers. Roode attacks both Booker and Steiner as they try to double team.
Roode punches on both of them, then makes Steiner clothesline Booker, and Roode does a high dropkick on Steiner's face, then whips Booker and clotheslines him. Catches Steiner in a spinning neckbreaker. Booker T and Steiner try to SvR09 it up, but Roode is kind of holding his own. Seriously, this is just like a Smackdown vs Raw 2009 Career mode match---the two big-ass heavyweight fucks DO NOT STAY THE FUCK DOWN.
Roode on the top rope after knocking Steiner off him. Now a top-rope neckbreaker onto Steiner. BOOKER SVR09's it up and tries an Axe kick but it fails. Roode hits a Fisherman's Suplex, which is called the "Payoff" but SHARMELL distracts Slippery Penis, and now Steiner waits and catches Roode in a double team thing, holding him up like in a spinebuster while Booker kicks him out of Steiner's grasp. Pin and Roode and company are buried.
WINNAR: The old guys
AJ sure showed them just who's in trouble this Sunday with regards to paycheck retrieval. Sharmell and Jenna fight in the ring during the celebrations.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: "My Immortal" is either the greatest Harry Potter fanfic ever, or the greatest Trollfic ever.
Backstage with idiot Jay Bee pimping Twitter TNA Online. Team 3D randomly appear with their FUCKIGN TINY Jap tag belts. Devon talks. I think they're going for a heel turn thing, saying that Beer Money doesn't have respect or class. Says they will go to school Sunday night, and they will learn to obey Team 3D's rules. Buh Buh Ray ... oh wait, I think they're still face. They may have been talking about the British this whole time. Brother Ray talks about revenge on Sunday, and suddenly A BRITISH INVASION!
Brutus Mange-us mentions them getting back from Foley's office, more nipple-tweaks, and the IWGP Tag Titles on the line in a tag match of some kind. The Steroid shows off his muscles, and Team 3D attack them and the security guards.
HAHA, some thief left a note for a guy he robbed, telling him not to worry about his credit card or driver's license. Apparently he didn't steal the car. Ended his note with "Seriously, though, lock your car in the future". Idiot.
Also, the world's oldest man, a WW1 veteran, has died. And he just became the world's oldest man a few weeks ago.
Throughout that news recap, they were running down the Wictory Road lineup.
Sting promo backage for becoming.
Backstage with Lauren and Chris Abyss. Some idiots on WrestleZone said Chris Abyss was the greatest gimmick in wrestling today. My only justification for this is that they never saw Mankind circa 1996-1998. Because it's pretty much a total ripoff of that, only dumbed down and made more generic. His promo is just terrible. He pokes thumbtacks into his arm, saying he likes pain. Zzzzz. He says he wrote a prescription for Dr Stevie for one major ass beating, with no refills. I laughed because of how lame it sounded and how poorly it was delivered.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Someone please confirm to me: is the general Zulu warcry "Usuthu!" or are they prone to shouting their own names "Zuuuluuuu!"?
Back and Jeff Jarrett gets hiw own big-ass pyro entrance for his commentary time. Ppppppppppppppppptttt. Don West asks Jarrett how his hidden hamstring injury is, and Jarrett basically threatens to fire him.
Kurt Angle vs Sting
In the match they fight, and sting is irish whipped by ANgle but he turns and catches Angle anyway. Angle catches Sting from behind, but Sting turns around and catches him. They do this again and again until they're on the ground with arm wrenches and such. Now Angle is behind Sting iwth his arm wrenched back. Jarrett fails as commentator. He's boring and he yells at Don West. Sting punches on Kurt, Kurt kicks at Sting, irish whip and ANgle runs into Sting's boot.
Sting does a suplex. Pinfail. Angle rakes Sting's face, then throws him into the cage wall. Music plays, indicating a commercial.
Random Commercial-area Thought: I got some Blu Ray movies. "Stargate" Ultimate Cut and "The Dark Knight" and "Zulu". They fucked us on the DVD release of The Dark Knight. Also got Star Trek season 1.
Back and Angle is stomping on Sting. Punches exchange. Sting does some running clotheslines. Angle kicks Sting in the face, but Sting drops Angle onto the cage wall. Pinfail. Sting does a weak-ass Stingar Splish on Angle, but Angle shoves Sting into a turnbuckle, does some shoulder thrusts, tries a running one but Sting moves away. Sting slams Angle's face into opposing cage walls, three times, then a clothesline. Pinfail.
Angle gets behind him for a German suplex. The straps come down. Olympic slam fail and Sting armdrags, then does a Scorpion Death Lock and ZOMFG Samoa Joe just attacked Jeff Jarrett. Now Samoa Joe attacks a random referee for no reason. Oh, to jack his keys. He opens up the cage door, gets inside, and locks it behind him. Lol. Fatty can't climb is why. LOL Sting is standing over Joe, and DOOSH, punches and chops at him. FailJoe. Scorpion Death Lock on Joe. Lights go out. Blatant as fuck Taz promo on the screen. "13", "FTW", "If I Let You", Angle is up and Joe now has Sting in a cockinaclutch. Angle has a nightstick to keep Jarrett and Foley off the cage. Nash attacks Jarrett on the outside. Booker goes after Foley with Steiner.
WINNAR: No one? Certainly not me. This match was boring.
Outlook Good: That Suicide/Sabin/Homicide matches were dynamite in action.
Outlook Not So Good: The main event sucked, the Sarita vs Cheerleader Melissa sucked, the elimination tag team sucked. Everything involving booking seemed to completely fail to realize that this is the last iMPACT before Victory Road, and compeltely failed to realize that maybe it's a good idea to NOT make the MEM look like they could sit on all their opponents and beat the fucking shit out of them with no trouble at all.
Ask Again Later: Who books this shit and why?
Conclusion: My head hurts. Worst weekend of my life? Maybe.
You've just been Halonic Death Ray'd, and like I say every week, if I'm not back within two or three weeks, consider me dead.
Feedback if you want: firstname.lastname@example.org
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).